my field guide to old school movie monsters
my guide to old school movie monsters
my guide to the old school movie monsters
They emerge from coffins, shadows,
laboratories and our nightmares every year.
Here is my field guide to getting into the
They're ba-ack! - those enigmatic, cinematic, melodramatic
monsters of nightmares the world over. Some may seem a little
tired, some a little campy but all did their fair share of terrorizing
back in the day. Here is my guide to some monster basics and
what you can do to pay them their spooky due.Frankenstein
Perhaps one of the more revered and feared of the monster
pantheon, this large, lumbering bruiser reminds us all of the
dangers of scientific hubris.
Tag line: "He's alive!"
Strengths: Brute force, genetic diversity
Weaknesses: Screaming women, epic stupidity
Scariness rating: 3 out of 5 screams. As long as you can do
single-digit addition, you can outsmart this guy.
Other notes: Remember fire. Apparently he's afraid of this so
that could be a good or bad thing depending on how you use it.
Wall of fire for protection good. Lighting a cigarette bad.
One of the only monsters whose myth is actually based in
reality. Ol' Vlad the Impaler was enough of a bane to the
Romanian people that his likeness is the inspiration for the
fictitious blood-sucker Nosferatu.
Tag line: "I vant to suck your blood!"
Strengths: Orthodontia, impeccable attention to detail,
Weaknesses: Garlic, stakes to the heart, sartorial abuse of
cape-wearing, the "cute-ification" by "Sesame Street," excessive
Scariness rating: 4 out of 5 screams. He's enough of a
charmer that you could fall for his lines but he's just a little too
polite. If he dropped that "host with the most" front, there would
be a whole lot more punctured jugulars out there.
Other notes: Vampires in general are hot. I mean hello
who else can think of anything hotter than someone who
can mist into your room, nibble on you and then mist out.
A modern fright steeped in ancient lore, the Mummy was the
monster trailblazer paving the way for other breeds of the
walking un-dead, such as the zombie.
Tag Line: "Ughhghghghghghghrrrr."
Strengths: Coming back from the dead, strangling, sutures
Weaknesses: Museums, claustrophobia, lateral movement
Scariness rating: 2 out of 5 screams. All of the creepiness of
the zombie with none of its scrappiness. You can easily outrun
the Mummy. If for some reason you are unable, cut left and drive
for the nearest exit and you'll leave him spinning in his toilet
Other notes: OK yeah mummies are really not all that terrifying.
They are very much like zombies except for the whole evil
curse thing. I think the curse is actually more frightening than
the mummy itself. Now again if the mummy happens to look like
the one from the mummy with brendan frasier that's not scary,
that's hot. So's Brendan.
Hirsute, maligned and very much a scourge of the night owl,
the Wolfman howled his way into our nightmares thanks to a
rabid wolf bite gone horribly awry.
Tag line: "Aaaawooooo! Woo-woo-wooooo!"
Strengths: Intimidation, follicular potency, wearing of short
Weaknesses: Nair, waning lunar cycles, his conscience.
Scariness rating: 1 out of 5 screams. While the Wolfman may
be a real bastard when you encounter him, he's pretty easy to
avoid - just don't go to graveyards during full moons. Plus, he's
got that whole good v. evil conflict thing going on so he feels
remorse. Lastly, he's comically hairy -- it can be distracting.
Other notes: Wolfman sucks. Son of Wolfman sucks even
worse. I was a teenage wolfman, come on seriously.
Yes, there is a difference between the Werewolf and the
Wolfman. The Wolfman is more man than wolf; the Werewolf is
more wolf than man.
Tag line: Whatever the sound of tearing limbs out of sockets is.
Strengths: Wiliness, aggressiveness, spryness, big ol' teeth
Weaknesses: International air travel (He's always in London -
is it the quarantine thing?)
Scariness rating: 5 out of 5. This Canis Lupus Badass has all
the cunning and intellect of a human without that pesky guilt
complex. The Werewolf is violent, quick and ugly as sin. There
really is no way of outrunning or outsmarting him. You're
basically screwed if you find yourself near this little bugger.
Other Notes: Werewolves are on the same basic level as
vampires in the hotness department. I mean totally new take
on doggy. Being as how if he loses control he might actually
turn into one. Now that I think of it puts new meaning to throw
me a bone. Anywho. Werewolves are definitely the badasses
of the paranormal world and yeah if you piss one of you'll be
lucky if you get a chance to kiss your ass good bye.
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