the great butt war of 08

The great butt war of 08 happened in my house, Thanksgiving weekend of 2008. What is a butt war you may ask? Well you will have to read the rest of this story to find out.

Thanksgiving for my family is usually a quiet holiday. Most of my husbands and my family live in Colorado and New Mexico so it is difficult for everyone to get together for holidays. My family, meaning my husband, me and our three children usually spend this holiday by ourselves. This is the way it has been for about eleven years so it really doesn't feel abnormal for us. We have the traditional turkey dinner with all the trimmings and when our dinner is over we go watch a movie or play board games and have a generally nice time together.

This year would be a little less traditional for us. My husbands cousin decided that they would come to Oklahoma to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with us This was a great surprise and we were very excited.

I got busy making plans to make a traditional meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, yams, homemade dinner rolls, a vegetable tray, pumpkin pies, pecan pies, deviled eggs, green bean casserole, and so on. My husband decided the day before his family was to arrive that we needed to add a ham to the already hefty menu. My daughter then went to buy a ham.

My daughter did not return with any ordinary ham, no, this was the king of hams. A ham like I had never seen before, a monster.I just knew that I did not have a pan big enough in my arsenal of cooking paraphernalia to hold this monstrous ham but I looked anyway, of course without any luck. I then remembered a gift I had received a few Christmases ago, an electric roaster. I dug the roaster out of the closet it had been stored in, cleaned it up and proceeded to place the humongous ham in it. After wrestling with the ham I finally got it in the pan at a slight angle because that is the only way it would fit.

Thanksgiving dinner went on without any problems. The meal was nice and the company was even better. We ate and laughed and talked and had a great time.

Now here is when the problems begin to happen. What are we to do with what's left of this ginormous ham? When you have a house full of people and a lot of left over ham the only logical thing to do is make a huge pot of ham and beans, and that is exactly what I did. This is what started the great butt war of 08.

I should have thought the idea through a little more thoroughly before making the pot of ham and beans, but I think I was high on pie and sweets. It never occurred to me that when you feed a house full of people beans that the end effects will not be good. And so the war began.

My son started the war and then my husband joined in, then his cousin and then his nephew, and pretty soon we were all passing gas to the tune of silent night, holy night. Ironic isn't it? The night was most definitely not silent and after many farts and many more squirts of air freshener it was bed time.

I knew that I was probably in trouble going to bed that night, I am after all no match for husband and his gas. I thought about having another bowl of beans before hitting the sack but my poor little chihuahua who sleeps between us looked up at me with her sad little eyes and pleaded for mercy. I knew I couldn't put her through more of the horror she was already going to experience, so I went to bed without the second helping of ammunition.

My husband had won that battle of the great butt war of 08, but the war is not over. My husband stated that I brought a BB gun to a gun battle and of course me and my chi paid the price, but there is still a bowl or two of beans leftover in the refrigerator, and I will eat them as soon as the dog let's me near the refrigerator and round two will commence. This time I will be more heavily armed and I will win, I am determined.

 

 

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Comments 49 comments

G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Sounds like a good time to me...LOL nothing like beans "The musical fruit...the more you eat the more you toot" the better you feel "so eat eat beans at every meal"... We had a great time too with some relatives we hadn't seen in a while,,God Bless...G-Ma :o) Hugs


Princessa profile image

Princessa 8 years ago from France

LOL for the first time I am glad I was not invited to a party LOL

Had great fun reading this, imagining gwendyglamourmom figthing with a ham. Did your chihuahua survive?


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

I'd come over to help negotiate a peace...but I can't find my gas mask. :) You are on your own. (Just remember "dutch ovens" are a good way to get revenge)


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

I would suggest a direct pipe line of bean chellupa's delivery from the taco bell to keep the ammunition rounds well supplied(to win the war over your husband). Btw also need the constant pipe line of air freshners going too (poor doggy with its extra sensitive nose is having quite a rough day)..hehe


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

I bet every window in the house is open, the termites, roaches, and other varmin have packed up their bags and headed to your neighbors. The mosquitoes can be seen twitching on the floor, their little legs kicking, and someone in the neighborhood, called the gas company, reporting a possible leak. Great story.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

G-ma, It was fun, except for the butt wars of course. They really are the musical fruit. Hugs to you :)

Princessa, That fight with the ham just about did me in, but I won at last. The chihuahuha did survive. I found her shivering in the corner of my bedroom and she seems to be afarid of the bed now. She might need some counseling, or at least a bowl of beans so that she can defend herself.

Spryte, the battle is never ending and we sure could use someone to negotiate peace around here, so get to looking for that gas mask.

CW, you are brilliant. That is exactly what I need, a direct pipeline from taco bell! I could win the war easily with that!

Goldentoad, you know now that I think about it we never have had a problem wirth vermin at our house. Hmm, interesting. Maybe I should open a pest exterminating company. It would only cost me a pot of beans a day and we could make a fortune! BTW, the neighbors still don't know where the gas leak was, so don't tell them.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

You certainly have a good sense of humor and offer up a good story. Let your tiny dog have a few beans so she can join in the fun.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Patty, Thank you, I think I have to have a good sense of humor, living with my family. Next time she will get her own bowl of beans, she should be able to defend herself too.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Really funny picture this conjures up in my imagination Gwendy. I guess I am one of the lucky ones, as Beans don't seem to have any negative effects on me at all. :)


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

Misty- In gwendy's case negative is positive (as she wants to defeat her husband)...LOL


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Very true CW, LOL


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

Gwendy- Misty wants to have your company to create the Jacuzzi effect.

Spryte- We need a backup of several gas masks here : http://hubpages.com/literature/Mr-Evilpants-Goes-T...


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Misty, I just don't understand how that is even possible. It just seems unnatural for beans not to effect you. You got a strange stomach.

CW, I don't think I have a chance, even with the taco bell pipeline!

CW and Misty, I'll be right over!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

B.T. That is absolutely hilarious. I might have to try it. Actually my chihuahua insists that I try it! Thanks for the link, everyone should check it out! really!


Just_Rodney profile image

Just_Rodney 8 years ago from Johannesberg South Africa, The Gold Mine City

Great hub Gwendy, beans are always great , however this is a first time I have heard of a war, it only used to be a bit of a roof raising contest in our house, I think that some tmes I won, a round otr two.


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

GM your hub is hysterical - I think your dog needs help to stay in the fight - probably couldn't win but should at least get a guernsey to try and stay in the race but i have to say I have heard of farting in time to "silent night" or as per the hub "on command" - rofl....


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

GM Pays to re read one's comments ! sorry I left out the very important word I had NOT heard of farting in time to "silent night" or as per the hub "on command" - still laughing though.......


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Beans beans the wonderful fruit.

The more you eat the more you toot

So eat your beans at every meal and everyone can have a hoot!

QM great hub. Very funny!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Just Rodney, it has gotten way out of contrl here. When you have this many people locked into one house together it becomes a war. I swear that my husband and two of my children really can fart at will. It's crazy. That is the gift my husband has chosen to pass on to them.

Ajcor, My chihuahua really can keep up if given the right food. The bad part about it is you don't even know she has farted until the horrible stench reaches your nose. Those silent but violent ones. As for the farting to silent night, it might become a new tradition around here. Really we never missed a note, we might even be able to take the show on the road.

Sixty, yes they are, and I have proof if anyone needs any.


Lgali profile image

Lgali 8 years ago

very nice one


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks Lgali.


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

GM that's a great gift your husband has given your children - one that they too can pass on to their children and so on - your family may even go into the guinness book of records for their musical butt achievements - i noticed you said that your little dog is as a girl - well we all know that girl farts are not so numerous but are often worse in the "silent but deadly" department - she has my support in all her future endeavours in the great fart wars to come....


DrJim profile image

DrJim 8 years ago from Oklahoma

Great Hub. And people think that all we do in Oklahoma is tip cows. Huh! You showed 'em girl.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Ajcor, Of all the traits my husband has, I would not have chosen the farting at will our with perfect pitch, but if it gets us in the guiness book of world records I guess it could all pay off. Pretty soon we will be playing in concert halls all arouind the world. Just a little inside tip, invest in gas masks now. My chi Bella can hit the high notes maybe, you know the ones only dogs can here and it will be the greatest show on earth.

Dr.Jim, I was wondering when a doctor would be stopping by. People should know that cow tripping is strictly reserved for special occasions like baptisms and prom. People just don't understand how the okie mind works, we are sophisticated people with discriminating tastes, ha, cow tipping as am every day event. That should be saved for peole from arkansas or kansas.


TheMoneyGuy profile image

TheMoneyGuy 8 years ago from Pyote, TX

As bona Fide Born and raised Okie (Eufaula).  I can attest to the Veracity of the Previous comment of said Fellow Okie.  Cow tipping is very special event indeed.  Very much akin to the rites of Passage of the Ancient Mysteries of the Far East.

TMG


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

Hey Gwendy you changed the picture. I guess when a beauty dressed like that passes gas very few guys are gonna complain..LOL


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

TMG, no truer words have ever been spoken, or typed. Can I interest you in some beans, a baptism and some cow tipping?

CW, your right, I better get some more of those, just in case they have a blowout.


TheMoneyGuy profile image

TheMoneyGuy 8 years ago from Pyote, TX

Seeing How there are Plenty of Baptists there I would say I have had plenty of Saving for one LifeTime, However the Beans sound delicious.  They just don't quite do them right Here in California.

TMG


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

TMG, I have my share of saving also. I am not sure how anyone can screw up a pot of beans, but I have seen lesser things screwed up. You need to get your butt back to Oklahoma and eat some real ham and beans, my treat.


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

and then will TMG be able to join the fart fight??????


TheMoneyGuy profile image

TheMoneyGuy 8 years ago from Pyote, TX

That really wouldn't be fair as I left Oklahoma the Reigning Fart Fight State Champion in June of 91. I accomplished this by completing a rigorous week of training eating nothing but beans, cabbage and drinking lots of Milwaukee's Best and eating Onion rings for dessert. As with all great Champions success was in the training.

TMG


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

definitely a winner TMG - all I can say is OMG......


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time! I started chuckling at the first mention of Ham and Beans, and by the end I was laughing out loud. The video was hilarious too! I watched the whole thing and by then I was crying.

I want to come to your house for Thanksgiving (not for the butt wars) for the great food, not that what I had wasn't perfectly good too, but no deviled eggs! I knew something was missing!

Really, Gwendy, this was absolutely hysterical!

P.S. Not that I'm advocating cheating or anything, but you could always slip some beano into your husbands food. I won't tell.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Ajcor,yes, TMG can then join the butt wars.

Never mind, he would blow the competition away, so to speak.

CR, you are welcome to eat at my house any time you would like to! Thanks CR, I appreciate that, especially coming from you, the God of funny. Dang, I never thought about slipping him some beano, but every thing he eats gives him gas, so I'm not sure it will work but it's worth a try.


Triplet Mom profile image

Triplet Mom 8 years ago from West Coast

What a great story!! My son would fit right in since he is into torchering his sister by holding her down and farting on her. It makes his day and ruins hers! Nice to see a family "letting loose" and having fun. Thanks for the great laugh!!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Triplet Mom, He would firt right in. That was the torture part around here for awhile, but now they just toot and walk away from the scene of the crime.

Your welcome for the laugh, stop by again anytime. BTW, those are some beautiful kids you got.


denise mohan profile image

denise mohan 8 years ago from California

you are a very good writer. Your subject matter proves that you can really find ANYTHING on these pages...between you and mistyhorizen. Come & visit me, my creative juices are growling or is that my stomach, NO MORE BEANS


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Happy Birthday Gwendy :) :)


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Denise, Thank you, that means so very much to me. I will come visit you, and gladly I might add. I'll try to lay off the beans.

Misty, Thank you, your so very sweet!!!!!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Hey Gwendy did I miss your birthday. If I did here's a big hug (HUG).

If I didn't here's another one for bein a mate. (HUG)

Very busy time of year for me and I only get an odd minute or two to drop in and say hello. Pass it on for me will ya. Ta

cu soon!

PS almost forgot thumbs up on the Hub!


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 7 years ago from Standing right behind you!

Hysterical story. I loved it. Hubpages is finally sending my emails, so I can keep up to date on everyone's hubs.

I'd hate to get stuck doing laundry in your house.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Ag, It's ok that you missed my birthday. This is a very busy time of year. I know I have been terribly busy, and sick. Heres a big hug back at ya! I love cyber hugs, especially coming from great friends like you! I hope you had a Merry Christmas and all is well with you! See you soon, I think I might actually be able to make it back on here soon.

Rockinjoe, Thank you! That means alot to me from someone as funny as you. Your hilarious! Glad your email thing has got worked out. Laundry in my house sucks, I wish I could hire a maid, but I guess I'll have to keep doing it myself for less than minimum wage pay. I might have to cut down on the bean making though.


Proud Mom profile image

Proud Mom 7 years ago from USA

Money guy--I wondered when we moved to Oklahoma what the smell was. I mean, I know the smell of Gas Refineries in NM and Cattle Feed Lots in Texas, but this was in a whole new realm.

The mystery is solved!!!!!!!!!!!


Madison Parker profile image

Madison Parker 7 years ago from California

Why is farting, (fluffing I use word rather than fart!) so hilarious? It is and always will be...except when you get a bit older, and they seem to slip out at the most inopertune times! Not so good.

Did you hear the story of the woman who frosted her cake and used bee-bee's instead of those little silver decor balls? Sad, she had gas later in the evening, bent over and shot her canary!!!

Madison


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Hey Madison, glad to see you. I often wonder why we find farting funny also. BTW, my husbands family calls it fluffing too and I had never heard it called that before I met him. Anyway, I know what you mean about them slipping out at inopportune times, I've had it happen, and it does seem to come with age. That joke is awesome, I'm gonna have to tell it to my husband, he will love it. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read this.


oliversmum profile image

oliversmum 6 years ago from australia

Hi Gwendymom.What a wonderful and very funny story,It put a big smile on my face,it also happens in our home, where a can of deodoriser comes in very handy.Thank you. :) :)


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 6 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks Oliversmum. I am sure it happens in many households around the world, and yes a can of deodorizer does come in handy. I wonder if you can get a holster for those. I can just start wearing one or two on my hip and learn to be quick on the draw so I never have to be nasally attacked.


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 6 years ago from Australia

gwendymom and oliversmum , just like women gangin' up on us poor blokes, what are we to do!

It was my mum who used to say to me: "Where ever you go let your wind go free" :-)

A "can holster" ?... Gwendymom the fastest draw in the West and "oliversmum' her trusty Sidekick!

I can picture it now. I want the movie rights lol

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