Accidental Jewish Bigamy

A lost De Greek Masterpiece

I have just found something I wrote for Hubpages a very long time ago and which for some reason was not published. I hate to waste used brain cells, so here it is:

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Jewish Bigamy

It was not my fault Your Honour! It was all a mistake anyone might make, a genuine misunderstanding easily explainable to the meanest intelligence (not that your intelligence is mean Your Honour) and I shall be pleased to explain how I - quite innocently I hasten to add - ended up being married to two women at the same time.

However, if Your Honour will continue to stare at me in that overly critical fashion, I fear that I shall not be able to give of my best by the way of an explanation. Well Your Honour, since you ask, what I mean is that Your Honour looks at me as if I normally reside under a flat stone in the middle of an inaccessible part of the Amazonian forest, where illegal logging is not only unknown, but impossible due to the terrain.

This, I don’t mind telling you, hurts and might cause lesser men to falter. It is one thing to be stared at sternly by the unblinking eye of blind justice and another to be given the look which implies that a cat of less than perfect discernment found one under that Amazonian rock and having dragged one into your court, now has second thoughts as to the wisdom of its choice.

And Your Honour will perhaps admit that a face like Your Honour’s is intimidating. I would not myself call it dauntingly ugly, but I suspect that such a face would generally tend to disqualify a man for high honours in a beauty competition and, combined with the look, it tends to overawe. The De Greeks are sensitive flowers Your Honour, known for their preference for living amongst beauty and harmony, Your Honour, and also we do not take criticism easily. Nor can we think clearly under pressure.

Speaking of thinking Your Honour, may I just mention in passing that though there is not an ounce of conceit in our composition, the De Greeks generally wear size 8 hats and this is necessary to accommodate their huge brains? In fact a Spartan helmet found in an ancestor’s tomb recently, had the number 8¼ clearly stamped on the inside rim. Nevertheless, even a De Greek brain sometimes does not fire on all cylinders and the simple misunderstanding which brought us into your court, was due to such an unfortunate instance. Please let me explain, leaving out no detail, no matter how trivial:

It all started when Cris A, I am sure you know Cris A, wrote a nice hub about me. A number of nice people came along and made nice comments – though some so called “friends”, including Tomymac4, Nellieanna and Zsuzsy Bee shone brightly with their absence - and one of these was Pam Roberson. Of course you know Pam Roberson, Your Honour, she is the funny one. Anyway, in her girlish enthusiasm, Pam got carried away and symbolically smashed a glass underfoot in a ceremonial manner. Regrettably, Your Honour, this happens to be part of the Jewish marriage ceremony and it was a rush error of judgement on the part of Young Pam, as we then became married.

Though Momma De Greek appeared to be out of harmony with the joy bells of marriage in this instance, she had been married to a Jewish man prior to marrying a De Greek and was a stickler for custom. Even though Pam, in supposing that Momma De Greek liked her had been altogether too optimistic, Momma De Greek insisted that I make an honest woman of “this Mifletzet, Lilit, Talit-Shkula-Thelet, Lamedvavnikit, Nudnikut, Neshama - Tova, Zeresh, Vashti, Rahav, Oy - Abroch, Oy Vey Zmir, Meshigene” as she called her, though my Hebrew is not up to this translation. If anyone can provide a translation to this, I would very much welcome it Your Honour.

There are times when even the De Greeks cannot think deeply without having a headache and so Your Honour in the excitement inseparable from the process of getting married in such a hasty manner, I had unfortunately forgotten to tell my wife and that is where the matter became slightly complicated.

However, I think that I had better let Pam Roberson tell you the facts, here: DE GREEK AND ME: TILL DEATH OR POWER OUTAGE DO WE PART

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11 comments

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 22 months ago from TEXAS

Hahaha! I remember the Pam Roberson - DeGreek marriage in the making. What can I say? This is hilarious. I've not left this page to check on Pam's hub about it, written back then, I suppose? But I shall click the link and see to it.

Hugs!


Lee B profile image

Lee B 22 months ago from New Mexico

Ah, memories! The De Greek and Pam Roberson marriage! Too much fun!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 22 months ago from California

LOL. Flashback time.

Oh, and, just bwhahahahahaha at:

"In fact a Spartan helmet found in an ancestor’s tomb recently, had the number 8¼ clearly stamped on the inside rim."


De Greek profile image

De Greek 22 months ago from UK Author

Nellieanna, my lovely girl, I came across this as I was sorting out old files on my computer. I originally thought that it was something I had downloaded to read later at my leisure, but as I was reading I began to laugh and then found myself surprised by the realization that I had written it myself. Thank you for taking the trouble to read. :-)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 22 months ago from UK Author

My sweet friend Lee B, I thought that I would share this with you as it made me laugh after all this time. I had forgotten all about it and I was pleased at the memory of the fun we had at the time. Thank you for passing by once more ;-)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 22 months ago from UK Author

Friend John, I am shameless in taking advantage of friends by urging them to read my nonsense, even if they are successful and famous authors. Thank you for taking the trouble to read. I was honestly surprised to find out that I had actually written this myself, some way into the text. I was laughing as I read, thinking that it was by someone else, and you can imagine my surprise when I realized that I had actually written the stuff. My wife is a lawyer and she found the idea of standing up in court and calling the judge an ugly so and so hilarious. :-)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 22 months ago from California

I am with you on that, man. While I admit that I read a lot of my stuff and cringe and think, "Ugh, I need to rewrite this, or at least clean it up," I also get that writing is this unending continuous progression; it's a way of living, an approach to life, rather than a "thing we can do." (go look at my "endure vs. perdure" post on my site if you are interested ... if you didn't already ... I wax on and on as I often do about this kind of thing there).

I also think that the whole concept of "the muses" is embodied in what you say here, that thing that, when we read back through our stuff, that, while yes, most of it is garbage (at least to us) some of it is like ... "Damn, I wrote that? Really?" ... that's the muse.

As the legend Flannery O'Connor once wrote: "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."

That is so true. Yes most of it is crap, but in there, somewhere, when the muse decides to inhabit us and align our experiences and skill set, to "order" us in a way that the Greeks understood so perfectly ... well, yes, you, we, get some cool sh!t made too.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 22 months ago from UK Author

John, the fact is that YOUR crap is so well hidden that I have not been able to find it, and I have been reading you for almost five years! :-)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 22 months ago from South Africa

Well, Pam is no longer around to show us her ring. Where did you hide her? Let me guess - under your #8 hat?


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 22 months ago from South Africa

Well, Pam is no longer around to show us her ring. Where did you hide her? Let me guess - under your #8 hat?


De Greek profile image

De Greek 22 months ago from UK Author

Martie, but we had some fun with that joke, didn't we? :-)

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