Adopting Your Grandchild, Without Losing Your Child

Our Family

"A better view at the zoo"  Vivian, Christi and Dad
"A better view at the zoo" Vivian, Christi and Dad

Can This Really Work?

The answer to the question above is, YES!

Not only can it work, it can enrich the relationship with your older child and create a bond stronger than the one you had previously.This is our story, this is our success. This hub is being formed today to provide encouragement and hope to those who may be considering adoption of a grandchild or those who have adopted a grandchild and it is not the blissful experience you had envisioned. It's my sincere hope you find some comfort, techniques, or just plain encouragement from our story.

Our miracle began in June of 2004 as our family was preparing for the graduation of our oldest child.  None of us had any idea the events that would unfold in the next few months that would test the very foundation of kinship we had built through the years.  The miracle that was about to be bestowed upon us was not planed but as with most miracles, God knows  when there is a need. 

In July, Christi began complaining of side pain and cramps. I decided she was 18 if she needed to see a doctor then she must make the appointment herself. She went to her appointment and discovered she was pregnant and entering her 2nd trimester. They informed her that she had a very narrow window left to end the pregnancy. Christi knew immediately that she wouldn't abort, she did not believe in abortions, but she was also concerned about informing us of her pregnancy. Several more weeks passed and Christi was able to hide her pregnancy under the hoodies and large clothing that had been her normal attire.The only clue I would have had to suspect her pregnancy was the tired feelings she was having and the fatigue that just seemed to increase. I assumed it was mild depression and let down as she knew she now had to chose a career path and start schooling or working.

When she felt she could no longer hide her pregnancy, she informed us and it was quite a shock, not only that she was pregnant, but that she was VERY pregnant. I began talking with her about the plans she had for raising a child. Who was the father? What would she do for employment? She answered my questions in a very mature manner. She expressed that over the last several weeks she had given all of this great thought and this is what conclusions she had come to. The first thing she wanted to explain was the "Who dad was". She cried as she told me that she doesn't remember how it started or how it ended but she does remember bits and pieces of having sex with this boy who was a guest of a fellow classmate, at a graduation party she had attended in June. She didn't even know his full name. I inquired as to whether she thought she was drugged with something at the party. Tears streamed her face as she expressed she indeed think that someone laced her drink. It took all the strength as a mother not to become a one man lynch mob and search out to destroy the boy who had harmed my child. I managed to hold back my maternal rage, this was a feat in itself. We just held each other for along time before I inquired as to what she was going to do with the baby. Knowing I was not comfortable with adoption must have made her choice even more difficult but she informed me that she felt there was no other choice. She did not see another option as she knew in her heart that she just wasn't ready to be a mother. She was right in some aspects, I was against adoption as far as it being of a grandchild or close family member, myself being adopted by horrific people, left me never wanting to wonder if a child was truly given a loving home, but in general I believe adoption to be a grand thing, just not for anyone in my family. At that time we decided we needed to think on this and revisit the subject at another time.

Upon thinking of the quandary we were in I began to form a thought that was quite rewarding and I decided to broach the subject with my husband. I had been divorced for many years from Christi's father and remarried in 1998. My husband had also been previously been married but unlike my first marriage that produced 3 wonderful children,his ex-wife and him had not yet had children. When we married Brian was accepting and pleased to become the stepfather to my 3 children. He had come to accept that my children would be the only children he would ever have. We had never thought or dreamed that we may one day share the miracle of raising a child together. We discussed my idea of adopting Christi's baby at great length weighing the pro's and con's and in the end decided to approach Christi with the idea of us adopting her baby.

We brought up the subject of us adopting the baby with Christi. All of us discussed this in great detail. Our feelings were all over the map for this was my daughter I was discussing adoption with, not a person with whom I shared no history or previous contact. I was very unsure if this was even the type of conversation one should have with their child. Surprisingly it was a very relaxed conversation with a positive response from Christi. We discussed the pro's of her letting us adopt the baby, explaining that we felt this would ensure the baby was being raised by parents who indeed would love the baby and there would be no room for doubt of the baby's well being. The other positive in this would be Brian and I having a child of our own, something we never consider a possibility. It was like a miracle to us.

We also discussed the con's of us adopting her baby, which included my fear of losing Christi's friendship and company out of her inability to be around the baby. I expressed my concerns that she would not be able to handle being around the baby without assuming a natural role as mother and that this would bring conflict between the two of us. She understand and validated my feelings and fears We addressed the possibility that if she changed her mind and wanted to raise the baby later on, this would become a family argument for we would not allow the baby to be bounced back and forth. She also acknowledged those concerns as well. We all had allot to sleep on and decided to discuss and address all the pro's and con's after we had let it all sink in and given it some more thought. I suggested that we all write down what we did and did not want as an outcome of this and what stipulations we should put in place to protect our emotional selves if indeed we proceeded in this direction. We all agreed to discuss this again in a week.

The following week we all sat down and in detail discussed the issues each of us had in regards to us adopting the baby. Christi expressed that she was anxious about making the wrong decision and what if she decided she couldn't give the baby up and wanted to raise her? I smiled for Brian and I had already addressed that very questions in our private discussions throughout the week. So now it was our turn to let Christi know what our thoughts and desires were. I explained to her in the best way I could that we had come to a decision and plan and this was what we felt should happen, if she was also agreeable with out outlined plan.

Our Plan

1. We make no legal decisions until after the baby was born.

2. Christi would take on the role as mom to the baby for the first 3 months. We would help but we would not be mom and dad to the baby, she was expected to care for the baby for the first three months as mom, or until she notified us that she was positive that she was not ready to do this and did not desire to continue being a teenage mom to the baby.

3. She would be primarily responsible for the financial needs of the baby and needed to make arrangements for that. I would help her with getting assistance until she could return back to work, but that we would not provide full financial care of her and the baby. We felt that would not be in her best interest for making a life commitment. She needed to experience the full weight of parenthood without us interfering.

4. She could remain living in our home rent free as long as she continued to work until the doctors told her to stop. Her and the baby could reside her after the birth, rent free as long as she agreed to return to work after a month. She would need to make sitter arrangements and if she wanted me to watch the baby, she would have to be financially responsible for my fee. I was not trying to make things hard, just realistic. She understood and felt that was fair.

5. If at the end of three months she decided to keep her baby and was actually happy and excited about being a mother. We would help her in every way we could. She though would be mom and all that came with it, we would not be built in baby sitters for her to come and go as she pleased. She understood this as well.

6. If before the three months we over, decided that she was right about her not being ready to be a mom and had no desire to continue to try, she would inform us and arrangements would start being made for us adopting the baby. She would be allowed to remain home for 2 months and then had to find another residence as we felt that it was important that the baby have just 1 mother figure in the home. This was a hard rule to impose but one that would be necessary in order for this arrangement to have a chance at being successful. This too was understood and accepted by Christi.

So that was our plan. I was excited for the arrival of the baby, either way I felt I was going to be gaining a beautiful baby to shower love and kisses upon. We had not really thought about who would chose a name for the baby, but seeing as we all worked together so well it was a group effort of suggestions. There were so many names we had explored, when we decided to narrow down the options when Christi went in for her ultrasound. To know or not to know the sex of the baby was in fact the hot issue that month and we all flip flopped about it but in the end decided it was more practical to know ahead of time, and that would allow us to start gathering nursery items now.

Things went according to schedule and on March 2, 2005 Little Miss Vivian Rose Castleberry was born. We followed our plan and after 5 weeks of night shift duties and meeting the needs and demands of an infant Christi concluded she was not ready for motherhood. I had tried to help with as much as possible without taking over and without doing so much that the reality was no longer there. I knew it was imperative that Christi be fully exposed to her roll as mother in order for her to reach a full and acceptable decision for herself. Her decision was now made and she expressed a lack of maternal bond that she felt would be required for her to succeed as a mother. She just was not ready to be a mother and wanted what was best for Vivian.

That was over 4 years ago and these have been the most rewarding 4 years of my life. Vivian is a fantastic little girl, She is happy and active, too active. Christi has been amazing through this whole experience, having followed our plan she moved into her own place a month after deciding she was not ready to be a mother. She has been promoted at work to a management level. Christi is very active in Vivian's life and comes to visit 2-4 times per week. Some how Christi has assumed the role of sisterhood and has managed to bring that bond to an incredibly healthy level. To her credit, she does not interfere with our parenting practices with Vivian, she does not always agree with our decisions, but she accepts them as being our decisions as Vivian's parents. We now have the most perfect family with 4 great children and a warm and loving bond between us all. I credit the success of our story to the plan we developed and the backbone to make sure that it was followed to the letter in order for each of us to be emotional protected.

Can your family obtain this type of success. Absolutely. I strongly suggest an outlined plan that protects each person involved. If you are currently a grandparent who is living the role of a parent while your child comes and goes as pleases, I strongly urge you to move in the direction of closure. Your child needs to understand that there is only 1 role each of you can have in the baby's life. Parent or Grandparent. You can not be both. Make a plan outlining expectations you have for your son/daughter and stick with that plan, to love our children is easy, to love our children enough to enforce an agreement and responsibility that is expected is unconditional love in it's finest example.

I hope we have brought some insight into the rewarding experience this can be. I wish you and your family the best success in your endeavor. Don't ever give up hope. All things can work, if you just try hard enough.

Best of my thoughts to you,

"Chelle

 

Comments 37 comments

Tina 7 years ago

We are currently facing a similar situation with our 19 year old daughter. She considered abortion, and PRAISE GOD did not choose such a course. Now, she is considering open adoption, and my husband and I are heart sick. I am going to share your story with both of them. Maybe this can help us go in a healthier direction. Thank you so much for sharing your story!


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Call me "Chelle 7 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

Tina,

I wish you and yours great success and I will keep you all in my prayers as you go through this confusing time.

I can only wish as much success to others who travel this road as my family has had, I do attribute the success to a firm outline of expectations.

All my best,

"Chelle


Tina L. Smith 7 years ago

Hi, Chelle!

Thanks for your prayers and your words of encouragement. We have progressed a little further down the road of our journey. Our daughter has decided that she would like us to raise her baby which is due February 7th, currently. Your outline has helped us greatly in our processing.

This coming week my husband, myself, and our daughter will be sitting down to iron out more of the details. The three month trial period, or anything similar, is not even an option for us. Our daughter is confident that she does not want the baby. She wrote us a pretty clear letter yesterday outlining her wishes. Due to some scheduling issues we are waiting until next week to sit down and discuss things together.

One of the next big steps will be talking to our two boys that are still at home. They will be 18 and 16 very soon. I am not really sure how the 16 year old will take this. I am still praying about the impending conversation.

God is so good. Our plans are not always his plans. The few people around us that have known what we are facing think we are certifiable, but it only matters what God thinks. Our family is important to us. We will do whatever we possibly can to keep it intact, help our daughter through this process, and give our grandbaby a loving and secure home.

There is so much to think about. I only slept for four hours last night. Even with Melatonin, I could not get the gears to quit turning. I was even asking God to meet me in my dreams just so I could get some rest. :o)

Thank you so much for sharing your story! It has made such an impact on us. There is so little information out there that is relevant to our situation. Your story offers us some guidance and encouragement that this can be a great thing for all of us.

God bless!

Tina


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Call me "Chelle 7 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

Tina,

Our friends said the same thing. It is a very big step to under take but also very rewarding. One thing you wrote concerns me a little. I hope you don't mind me exploring this as I would hate to see it not be mentioned and then become a problem. You stated that your daughter wrote you a pretty clear letter about not wanting the baby. Might I suggest you take her at her word, but also have a contingency for that slight chance. You and I are both mothers , and we both know that child birth can really change a persons outlook on things. She may feel this way at this moment, but she is also in a situation where she is scared, unsure, embarrassed and a whole bunch more emotions. So change the 3 months of her taking care of the baby, to the first 3 months your husband and you will care solely for the baby, but no legal action will be finalized until that 3 month period is over. This will allow for that remote chance that she experiences a sudden change of heart after giving birth.

Like I said it's just a suggestion. But it's best to keep all parties interests protected. After all this miracle that is about to be bestowed upon your family, deserves to have it's future safeguarded against all avenues. Your husband, your daughter and you also deserve to have all avenues open until each has been properly explored, that way there is no regret later on.

As for your sons, don't worry to much about that. I have 4 children all together. Christina, Bradley, David and Vivian. When Vivian was born, Christi was 19, Bradley was 17 and David was 15. When we discussed our plan with the boys they had two big concerns. The first being what role do they have in the baby's life. Are they the baby's uncle or brother. I explained to them that in the aspect of how the world views things, they would each be the baby's uncle. But seeing as we were adopting the baby, that shifted their role to each being big brother. They were fine with that, they just wanted to know. The other question they had was how to explain to friends. I told them to explain as much or little as they wanted. They could simply say, This is my little sister Vivian. Or they could say, I have a little sister, she was adopted. Or they could say, My older sister wasn't ready to be a mom and wanted what was best for her baby, so my mom and dad adopted my little sister. But it was for them to decide what they wanted to say. Once I addressed those questions they were fine with it all.

I do strongly suggest that you never keep this a family secret. You don't of-course always elaborate that your youngest is actually your oldest child's child and you adopted the baby, but you also don't forbid anyone from talking about it. To do so will put a strain on your family and might divide you all as no one wants to be responsible later on for "letting the cat out of the bag". So when the situation is appropriate express the truth, don't try to act as if it's a shameful thing. This is also very important to do so that your oldest can feel safe and comfortable around you both and the baby. This will be very important to always have each of you feel in a safe emotional space or this just won't work. So honesty is never the wrong way to go.

Just a few extra words of advice of what we have learned and what has worked so far for us. You are welcome to email me with any questions or concerns that you may have. My email address is Call.me.chelle@gmail.com and I would be more than happy to offer my thoughts if need be.

My best wishes to you and yours, you are about to embark on a journey that has rewards you never expected and joys you will forever be greatful you had a chance to experience.

My love to each of you,

"Chelle


Tina 7 years ago

Thanks, Chelle!

I am sending you an email...

Tina


Heather 6 years ago

Dear Chelle,

Thank you so much for your story. My family is in a similar situation, only I am a single mother considering adopting my daughters child. I am so pleased to see how well this worked out for all of you.

Heather


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Call me "Chelle 6 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

Heather,

I wish you the best success. It's not an easy decision but it's rewarding. Most important part in all this is too understand the boundaries and respect each person involved feelings. My best wishes and prayers are with you and your family.

All my best,

Michelle


Brenda  5 years ago

My step daughter is pregnant and her fater and I want to adopt the baby, but her mother will not allow it. She is pushing adoption but not with us. Our hearts are brokend as we have to see our grandbaby born and then given away. I am so happy that it worked out for you. My step daughter is being rewarded by her mom if she gives the baby away. We are just so torn up about all of this. We are in Texas and we have no legal rights to the baby.


kimberly 4 years ago

dear chelle - thank you for sharing your story. what does your little girl call you and what does she call your daughter. we are in simular situation - kimberly


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TamRN 4 years ago from Southern Il.

Me and my husband currently have guardianship of both of our grandchildren. They are 5 and 2 1/2 years old a boy and a girl. We raised 4 children together 2 girls from his first marriage and 2 boys from my first marriage and had no children of our own related to the fact that I had a tubal ligation after my 2nd child was born. These children have lived through a life of violence in the short time that they have been on this earth. The oldest who will be 6 in June of next year was taken from his mother and father when he was 2 1/2 years old and placed in our care, he has lived with us since. His sister was just taken back in may and placed with us, we just recently went to court and were awarded guardianship. I can't even explain what it's like to know that a grandchild is living in hell and there is nothing that you can do about it, but thank the good Lord above he intervened and had a bigger plan. Our lawyer who has been with us throughout this whole process has advised us to adopt both of the children. My husband has some reservations, me, I'm ready. We are getting ready to approach our daughter with this and this story of your life has helped. It is very important for a child to know that they belong somewhere and this will ensure that these 2 will always know that they belong with us.


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

She calls me mom... I am her mother and my daughter is her sister, she calls her sissy. It's not any different than a regular adoption, if you have her call you Nana or Grandma yet you take care of her as a mom then she will feel the "loss" of a mother. So be her mom and let your daughter be her sister. I hope that helps.

My best to you always,

Chelle


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

I wish you the best with what ever you decide.

Adopt the children if you can our gov. and

their child services is not always an easy

agency to navigate and mistakes happen.

To ensure the safety of the children adoption

is the best answer in my opinion.

All of you are in my prayers,

Chelle


Alicia 4 years ago

My husband and I are in a similar situation. The only difference is my daughter is 15. There is no way that I would have her leave our home if she does decide to allow us to adopt the baby. But we also know that with her young age and school we will be the main caregivers any way. Any suggestions?


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

You are definitely in a situation that will need allot of thought. I strongly recommend that you have counseling prior to any of you making a decision. Your situation is difficult for several reasons. First you child is still a minor therefor making her your responsibility. Second without a professional recommendation you could be accused of strong arming a decision if your daughter were to change her mind about the adoption to you. So that would be my first bit of advice. As long as the legal issues and loopholes have been covered then you are ready to move into the other difficulties that could arise if not addressed before hand and agreed upon by all involved. I understand very much as to why you can't have your daughter move. So here is what I can offer as food for thought.

You all need to outline what you expect from each-other. The first discussion about those outlines will be tense and I am sure there will be some over the top expectations brought to the table by both sides. Try not to dismiss them without exploration and open minds. If the discussions get heated, step back and realize why you are having the discussion in the first place. To give this beautiful child the best stable environment possible.

A child needs one mother and one father. Two moms can not reside in a home in harmony. It must be understood that you are the mother and your daughter is her older sister. So your daughter must never lash out with the ace in the hole card of " I gave birth to him/her". You also must not lash out and reinforce to your daughter that she is the birth mom. This is really important. Also you must not expect her to take on a motherly role with the baby. If the baby awakens at night do not call upon anyone else but you and your husband to care for the baby. This is really important for bonding as the baby has heard the voice of your daughter for over nine months. It is going to take time to bond strongly with you. Also your daughter isn't responsible for the parental duties. If your daughter wants to be mom and live with you then you must make her be mom. That means feeding baby in the middle of the night and so forth.

The worse situation you could get yourself into is the one where you become the income, childcare, surrogate parent, with no authority. One where your daughter just comes and goes as she pleases and when angry threatens to take the baby and leave. The first time she did that I would make sure she saw the door with the baby. She won't really leave but call her bluff. I think you get the picture with what I have written. Clear, concise and well planned outline will save all of you heart ache. Following that through to the letter will help as well.

I hope I have been of some help. You are welcome to email me anytime at Call.me.chelle@gmail.com . My love and prayers are with your family at this most vulnerable time. I will keep warm thoughts for each of you.

Chelle


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Thundermama 4 years ago from Canada

Hi Chelle, thank you for sharing your deeply personal and loving adoption story with the world. It is wonderful that you and your daughter found a way to make this work and that Vivian is so loved. May I ask if and how you plan to tell her that the person she knows as her sister is her birth mother?


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

Well the irony off all this is I am adopted so that influenced how we handled this much more than it might other families. With that said, we had all discussed this when Vivian was about 3 and it wasn't until she was about 5 that she asked me for the first time if she was in my tummy too after seeing a pregnant friend of ours. I explained to her that she was very special indeed because she wasn't in my tummy she was in her birth parents tummy and after she was born I became her mother by adoption. Please note that I used the word birth parent. This is very important as young children can not discern the difference between birth mom, mother etc. and mom, mother etc. So using the word birth parent keeps her from being confused as to who her mom is. It will be awhile longer before she connects birth parent with the actuality of birth mom. When that time comes I will be open and honest and answer any questions she may have. I think each of us must decide what seems best in the situation we are in. I wish you the best of luck and if I can be of further help please contact me.

My best to you and yours,

Chelle


Dawn 4 years ago

I am in a similar situation my daughter had a baby when she was 16 yrs old and now 18 and she wants us to now adopt the baby (which we will gladly do) and then she wants to move out and live her life. What procedures do I follow?


TamRN 4 years ago

Well after a long and thoughtful, thought through and thought out process I sat my daughter down to let her know that we were going to adopt her two children. Needless to say it did not go well; she immediately turned on me and accused me of taking her children away from her. When in all actuality she have them up. My husband pushes her behavior off on the fact that she feels guilty for not being what they need as a mother and not being able to care for them the way she should. Me I'm past it; my worries are with the 2 innocent children involved and we are now actively pursuing adoption. Pray for us because it's going to be a long hard road without our daughters consent. The children deserve parents who will love them , protect them and keep them safe.


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

Dawn,

Well you have a few obstacles that first must be over came.

The first is deciding what role each of you play in the childs life. If I am interpreting what you said correctly then your daughter has been in the parent role for almost 2 years. If this is indeed the case then you must establish clear parental lines. Your daughter must be praised for her courage and ability to know that she is not ready to be a parent and for her very mature decision to step away and take a back ground role in the childs life. She must be cautioned though that she is giving up her right to make parental decisions in the life of this child. She must be supportive of decisions your husband and you make and not interject her own desires or wishes unless asked to do so. I think her decision to move out upon the completion of the adoption is a fantastic idea, it allows for everyone to lead comfortable and secure lives without feeling they have to walk on egg shells. As for procedures, I get strong comfortable energy from all of you, I would suggest you follow your gut instincts and base decisions on what feels right in this situation. I wish you all the best of luck and just know that anything can be overcome with love, patience and a big dose of understanding.


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

TamRn,

I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Your husband is right in some aspects but he must get over the logical of it all and take a stand beside you in what is best for the children involved. I suggest that if you are going to pursue this avenue without your daughters consent that you distance yourself from her until she either comes to accept this decision or agrees to participate in family counseling. It sounds to me as if you have plenty of reasons that the courts would agree with behind your decision.

I am sorry I don't have any better advice but this situation was unlike the agreeable one I experienced but my prayers and love are with you all.

Chelle


StepGM 4 years ago

Chelle, I'm so glad I found your story. We're in a similar boat, but more complicated. My stepdaughter has an infant and like the young women here, doesn't think she can be a Mom. She did marry the father, and he's in the military, currently on deployment. We've currently got the child, while she thinks and seeks counseling. We just couldn't watch her distant behavior to the child. In theory, this is a short term deal, with discussion to follow, but may have to stay as is until Dad comes home.


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

StepGM,

It's great that you are there for your grandchild. Step parents are parents too and grandparents too. I am glad that you are aware that the father will have the choice as well to keep his parental rights or not. Motherhood is not easy and especially when you are young and alone. Be there for her but don't let her run your household, it's important that the baby have attachments and bonds that are not disrupted repeatedly. I wish I had better advice. I am also pleased you found some comfort in our story. My prayers are with you and yours.

Chelle


LindaSke 4 years ago

Hello,

Similar situation for me. My 17-year-old is pregnant. Decision about who will be mom hasn't been made. My husband and I are willing to adopt, but she's not sure yet if she wants to parent the baby herself or if our adopting is the right thing. She's very newly pregnant (only 9 weeks) so we have time for talking and decision making. My question is this: How does one go about adopting? What agencies need to be contacted. Is a lawyer necessary? How does one petition the court? Is that necessary? Is there a website that helps to explain it all? And when should we start the whole procedure? Before birth or after? I'm feeling VERY lost!

Thanks for any advice you can give.

Linda


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

We consulted with an attorney and then we hired a para legal to process all the proper papers and then submitted them to the courts. I highly recommend that an initial consultation with an attorney be sought. Most are only about $125 for an hours worth of questioning and answering. Good luck to each of you... My prayers to all.

Chelle


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

I replied to your question, but didn't realize it wouldn't notify you if I didn't do it this way. My prayers are with you all.

Chelle


Just kt 4 years ago

I am so glad I was blessed enough to come across this, unlikeme one else that has comments on here, I am the one pregant, I have been struggling with keeping the baby, letting my parents adopt him, open adoption/closed ETC. all I've done is cry, I will not lie... Unforantly I do not have the support of my family if I choose to keep the baby- which is really difficult (when you read comments on Facebook about yourself from your family about how you'll never be able to take care of this child. It hurts.) my dad and step mom want to adopt th child, but I know they won't have anything to do with me after... I mean I currently live with them but they have been pushing me to get a job, which is not easy 6 months pregant (very difficult pregancy) anyways.... I'm thinking about just saying okay take the baby and move back to college... Reading your story helps, I would be a ton more okay with it, if my parents wouldn't be so negative about the whole thing...


Nelly 4 years ago

Hello everyone I need a little help my 15 yrs old Daughter is expecting a baby she is 6 month my husband and I have talked o her about adopting the baby when its born she is a kid her self they have both agreed on us adopting the baby but I don't now where to start the process can you guys give me any suggestion please


Elena 4 years ago

Chelle, my daughter is 24, with a 4 yr old son. My daughter and the baby have lived with me the entire time until last month when she moved out to start a new life with her new husband. My daughter is a good person but not a very responsible or mature mom. If it were not for me weaning him off a pacifier and bottle, she would still be giving it to him. He is 4 and not yet potty trained and she makes no effort to train him, parent him or discipline him. He calls me mom and cries to stay with me. There is an odd sort of disconnect between her and my grandson. In fact, her husband called me today because he is also concerned with her lack of interest in her son. I know that she loves him but it takes more than just a feeling to raise a child. I and my husband (her dad) are very concerned and have considered asking her to allow us to adopt him. What do you suggest?


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

I am truly sorry for all those who comments awaited approval. I have so many activities that I forget to give this site the attention it deserves. Please know your stories are important to me and I will try to answer questions when possible. My love to you and yours always.

Michelle


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

First my up most respect for researching and looking for the best solutions available to you. That is a very mature way to go about finding solutions. Second, unplanned pregnancy can cause anxiety in all aspects of a family, just as you are learning to adjust with the fact you are having a child, so is your friends and family.

The decision to give up your child for adoption is one that will be like no other you make in your life. This decision will be with you for a lifetime. It's important not to let anyone push you or decide for you.

To feel content inside about your decision is the only right decision you can make, if it doesn't feel right then most likely it's not.

I would express to your family how you feel. What your fears are and what you need from them emotionally in order to make the best decision. You seem to think you will cast away once the baby is born, I am so sorry to hear you feel that way as that would be destructive behavior for them to display. Your child is a gift to whom ever you choose to raise him/her. That gift should be cherished and you should be admired and supported through that process and for a life time. I highly encourage you to talk to them, define what you expect and what they expect. Make agreements and understandings about whose role will be what in the baby's life. BUT most of all, you all need to make each decision with the best interest of the baby in mind. If either party doesn't agree to something the other party demands then this will never work and a lifetime of turmoil is what you will all face.

I wish I had better advice. Please know my prayers and best wishes are with you and if you need someone to talk with you may email me.

xoxxo

Michelle


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Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

I would start with an Attorney and then have the paper work filled by a paralegal. Truthfully no one should expect a mother to give up her child before that baby is even born. Have the paper work ready but file after the birth and when all parties know that this is what is best. A lifetime of regret and anger will tear everyone apart otherwise.

Good Luck


Call me "Chelle profile image

Call me "Chelle 4 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

I replied to this but don't see it. I suggested that you sit down with her and discuss adoption. The roles each of you will play in his life and what each expects from the other. I would point out the benefits of letting you adopt and encourage her to do the right thing but not chastise her and make her feel threatened but make her feel good about making such a choice.

Best of luck

Michelle


saylorsgal 3 years ago

Hello, I stumbled across your blog and thought.... this is us! ( kind of). My husband & I took full legal custody of our granddaughter when she was 6 weeks old and were happy to do so. Sophie's biological father decided he wanted his "old" life back and moved across country to be back with his family when she was 3 weeks old. Our daughter (20 at the time) decided she could not be without him and also left within a few weeks. By the time Sophie was 10 weeks old, they had signed off giving us full legal custody. Unlike your situation, this drove a wedge throughout our entire family- both my husband & 22 yr old son cannot begin to understand our daughters actions in abandoning her child for a boyfriend....nor do they want to.

In the first year of Sophie's life we exchanged info about her progress frequently. However, it became apparent quite quickly that all info/photos were being used on social media sites to perpetuate the myth (by our daughter) that they had Sophie living with them & were active parents. Only our relatives knew the truth about what had occurred- her friends back home did not.

Our daughter came home to visit twice that first year and these were emotionally charged times. My son & husband could not bare to be in the same room with her, they were hurt by her actions. When Sophie turned 1 & after a long talk, our daughter decided she could not provide the emotional & financial needs Sophie would require and agreed to sign adoption papers. Her biological father followed suit signing the adoption papers and all legal proceeding were completed by the time she was 15 months old. We were now full legal (&joyful) parents once more in our lives :)

Now the troubles would hit home..... Immediate family members and our daughter felt we should not allow Sophie to grow up thinking we were her parents. Calling us Mom & Dad was Ok but only "until she could understand differently". They all hae the same opinion that having 2 mothers is OK. Our thoughts are different.... we have been the only parents she has ever really known and we will continue to fill these roles 110% regardless of the pressure around us. We have explained to our daughter she is referred to as Sophie's sister and this is the only explination needed until she is older and can begin to comprehend the situation in small baby steps. Instead of understanding from our daughter we get demands, legal threats and insults of being nothing but caregivers to Sophie. We have agreed to provide info to our daughter once a year thru photos and a written update on how Sophie is doing hoping one day sophie will understand we tried to keep things opn for her benefitd and have not kept her from her biological parents when requested. So here is the million dollar question....... how did you start explaining to your child the whole birth situation with your other daughter? I have looked for books on this subject & have found none. The ones I can find advise to refer to the "birth mother"/ "earth mother" dynamic but I feel this may not be the best way to handle this.

Please help as your thoughts & experience would be greatly appreciated.

Nancy


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Call me "Chelle 3 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

Nancy,

We refer to my daughter as Vivian's sissy. I have never shielded the fact that Christina gave birth to her and so when Vivian inquires about that we say, "Christina is your sissy and also your birth parent, but I am your mommy and love both of my little girls so much." I use the term birth parent as it takes the "mom or mother" out of it.

Unless your elder daughter is made to understand that she gave up those rights to having a "parental role" in your daughters life, you won't find any peace. I suggest you now start that "outline" of what each of you expect out of this. Let her know you don't want to loose her and you love her very much but right now this baby is the one who needs proper love and raising and she is going to get that as that is what you pledged to do when you adopted her. To love and protect her.

I do hope things work out. Wish I could be more help.

Michelle


Eileen 2 years ago

I was wondering does your daughter know who her biological mother is? I adopted my granddaughter and have had her since she came home from the hospital. I am so confused about telling her or not. She is 3 and my daughter is 25 and has 4 other children. My granddaughter was born with drugs in her system and was in the hospital for a week after she was born to detox and because of her jaundice. She has had some difficulties but we do not care she is our beautiful girl. Here is why I am so confused. I was at one point raising 2 of my other grandchildren and I am still raising one, my daughter has taken back the other one, the oldest who is 5. I am raising my autistic grandson who is 4 and my adopted grandaughter is 3. I also have another biological child who I call my miracle since we feel he was a gift from God who is 2. My daughters other children are 3 months and the other will be turning 3 in a few weeks. The soon to be 3 yr old was adopted out to a family who lives out of state but we have contact with her and talk to her and see pictures of the baby. My daughter is pushing and wants me to tell my granddaughter that she is hers and not mine. I feel this could be an issue with her since she has never been there for her and with the family dynamic as it is already it would just confuse her even more. My dauther does not live with me and has not since she was 17. She was wild to say the least and even though she has calmed down a bit she is still quite wild. My grandaughter she took back last year asks when she can come back and live with us and my grandson goes over and visits and says he does not like going there and that my daughter is mean to him. My heart is breaking and I feel as though I need to protect my daughter from knowing that her mother did not want her but could not go through with the abortion which is how she came to us. She has has physical therapy, severe asthma, and a broken leg from my 5 yr old granddaughter who does not like her and sees her as a threat. With all she has already been through do you think she should be told who her biological mother is. Me and my daughter do not have the best relationship but I am working on it. She is constantly trying to say things are my fault for her life even though she turned her life on everything to "do what she wanted".


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Call me "Chelle 2 years ago from Oregon, Nature and Beauty Author

Eileen,

First let me say how courageous you are for taking on so much, I am sure it doesn't leave you with much time to really mull things over as your days are busy busy. I have told my daughter who her " biological parent " is. Notice I used the word parent, not mom or mother etc. Technically that is all your daughter was, the biological parent, she has in no way earned the loving title of mother, mom etc. If you do decide to divulge this information I would do so in the most unemotional clinical words possible. From what you have expressed to me it appears that your eldest daughter is pushing for the disclosure. Make no mistake that she sees this as an "ace in the hole" a card she can pull out when she doesn't agree with you or so forth. Best to make that card insignificant and take all the "power" out of her childish demands. The most loving way for your grand daughter to learn of her adoption is from you, not from some one who is bitter and disclosing the information to her out of spite or anger. With that said, I will leave you with a few thoughts you didn't ask my opinion of but that I feel might be of some help for you to hear.

Don't let your daughter hold you emotionally hostage. The simple facts are she is / was unfit to parent to begin with and once the adoption took place she lost ALL rights to make any demands on you in regards to your adopted daughter. ( I would really like you to try to not refer to your adopted daughter as your "grand child" she is your DAUGHTER by adoption. Period. ) So you have all the power to stop her nonsense. I am very lucky that my daughter is fantastic, self assured, amazing and never interferes with my parenting of her adopted sister. That is what she is her sister. She may be her bio parent but in our family that still gives her just sister status. Period. Once you make these lines clear things become much easier. Your obligation is to that little girl. You agreed to protect and love her as your very own child. If that means limiting exposure to another family member then by all means you might have too. Follow your instincts. But most of all follow what feels easy and right. Things in life are not as hard as people make them, the word no is easy when said with love for ourselves. If you can follow that logic of thinking.

Might I suggest my emotional vampire series on youtube. Just type 4mingthoughts into google search and you will find many links to my videos. Look for my Emotional Vampire series and choose the ones that relate to your situation. In the end you have all the power to make the outcome successful for you. Embrace that power and love all your children with a loving protective heart. Sometimes we have to " discipline" out of love and your eldest is in some serious need of understanding and " loving discipline". With 4 other children at home she is either going to find reality really quick or your going to need a bigger house to raise your unexpected instant family. I wouldn't "take" any of the children unless the state asks you too or she has signed you her parental rights. Any other way only hurts and confuses the child as you are seeing in your grandsons confusion as to why he can't come home. A mistake best not repeated. But these are just my opinions. I wish you the best of luck and am here if you need an ear.

Chelle


Sam 2 years ago

I was adopted by my grandparents and grew up under the illusion that they were my parents. Personally, I think it doesn't work out properly for everyone but in some situations it is the only beneficial option.

I became a young mother and originally didn't want my child. After a few months of being a single mother, although it was a difficult time I was very happy I didn't choose adoption. Today my daughter is older and I was gifted in completely my college education, I am very happy I stuck through the hard months and have my little girl. Now my little girl has a sibling and stepdad to add to her family.

Honestly, before automatically taking away your children's children: think for a minute.. A baby is hard to handle and can overwhelm someone younger but after the first year it becomes bearable. Let them stick it out, because as long as your child isn't a drug addict/convict/etc she should be able to become a great mother. It takes some time for young adults to grow to be mothers but I have a lot of friends who had babies young. About nine actually (who had children when they were 16-19), and all still have their babies.

I know my parents' biggest regrets are not raising me. I am very close to them, and they're who I call mom and dad. I appreciate and love my grandparents for raising me but since I was 12 I knew my parents were where I'd rather be. Most children feel that way.

Take some time to actually think about how you're intervening upon others' lives. Give your child a place to stay for cheap, get her setup with state assistance with will pay for formula and daycare, help her get a job, and encourage her to go to college (even a community college) those are what in 2-4 years will be why her and that child are prospering: you'll even get the wonderful role of a proud grandparent.

But what do I know? I'm only currently going to college for my phd in psychology, and I've been through all of this as a parent and a child...

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