Adoption isn't always a good thing.. Until that first meeting...

If you have already read this hub and are looking for the full update , skip to the bottom and then check the comments as well... :) I will get a pic of me, marg an lzy over the next few weeks, man they look like me haha

Everything Happens For A Reason, & There's A Reason For Everything!!!

Erin - Twists of fate and possibly lies suddenly have become clearer through my sister's eyes...

There isn't reall a lot I know about it except the fact not just 5 minutes before starting to write this Hub, I opened a letter I had previously ignored from an unknown address, a PO Box.. Well I chose to open it and inside was a message saying, my birth mother wants to contact me and give information.. I'm sure she wants to just explain why I was sold instead of growing up with the rest of the family, I was number 6 of 7.. the last as far as I know probably given up too, but I don't know.
I'm not angry, nor even hurt, 42 years is a long time to get over that shock. I'm not completely sure what the aim on this hub is although, there are millions of people in this world that were adopted OUT.. others adopted IN..

For me, I wish I had the choice of where to go, see, my mother told me when I was only 8yrs old that she hated me and later when I was 10, told me I had been adopted, my world fell apart because if she had softened the blow with love instead of telling me the only reason they got me was for more money. Then Perhaps my life would have been different, I don't know...
My brother was adopted too, but from Wellington, we were so different, I stood up for myself! We no longer talk, and I want to keep it that way. But the most part.. dad used to beat us I can't remember the days I went to school without bruises, only always having to hide my arms and legs and never go swimming in summer, and he yelled all the time and shows mum no respect, he hit her too

I don't know how I managed, to get through this life and I'm stronger now than I was back then, reguardless of how hard my life is sometimes but I find happiness in myself, well 90% of the time. I don't keep track of the punches and slaps nor the name calling or anything else. I managed to deal with it, I got through it, and I told none of my friends, but one seemed to know, yet we aren't friends anymore. I often wondered if we were related cos we looked very similar and her mother hated me on the netball team. She was the coach and wanted her daughter as Centre, I didn't really care, I only played sports so I didn't have to go home.

One day when I was feeding my son, I was 22, mum came in and picked a fight with me.. fists and all.. I hit her over the head with my sons bottle, the old man came in, he threw everything off the bench to the floor and my son was screaming as his bottle went flying too. I barged past this jerk and gently put my son in his bed, then walked back to the room and let rip. I gave some home truths that shocked the old lady and the old man's face was the colour of dead!
He stood and somehow flew across the room, he punched me with all his force yet I caught him mid-drift and sent him sailing back to the couch. I stormed out of the room and he followed yelling and screaming, but when we got to the kitchen I just turned and grabbed him.. I had hooked my finger into his eye, I pulled and pulled with all my might, he buckled to his knees and never to this day, spoke of what happened nor got in my way. He's dead now, and I never did it. there were many times I so wanted to tho. He was the only person in the world who made me fly at them like so.

That was my Adopted life!

I'm strong, I use my brain completely well ok, within the realms of my ability, yet, there are things about adoption I still don't understand, for being a mother is wonderful, trivial and devilishly hard but the most part a beautiful reason to live..
Often I wear my heart on my sleeve, my adopted mum right now is asleep on the couch she has no idea i've read this letter or even responded by saying damn right I want more info.

For those who already know, i'm in New Zealand, Christchurch to be exact, but I haven't always lived here, I grew up in a different town. I wont say where because I'm still keeping myself hidden. In 1980 my school was part of the South Island School Sport Competitions, and I got to go.. I was awesome at table tenis back then, known in most countries as PingPong, totally silly name that, but anyway, I had won my singles comp and my lifetime friend from back then and I won the pairs, so I was pretty happy.

No idea what happened, cos I really hate sport now. But anyway, back to 1980.. Schools were asked to Billet childred from the other towns, and a place I stayed at I have NEVER forgotten..

The house was huge, two story, white and beautiful, massive dinging room and a huge lounge where we all sat and talked and laughed a lot. I think there were four bedrooms upstairs, and a huge stair case that split the house, I loved this house and would one day, like to buy it myself. I was made welcome by this family of 7 who made me instantly part of their family. I loved meeting Elizabeth, we spent hours laughing and talking, I think she loved horses as much as I do because she showed me a horse she knew, Chokito, The rest of them were nice but I really only remember Elizabeth and a couple of boys, there was another sister, I remembered her name because it sounded strange, Flo they called her, she was nice to me when I had swalloed a fish bone. The other's names, I can't quite remember, but soemtimes a boy called Dale pops ito my head, I remember a boy with clurlyish hair and he smiled a lot, no idea what that's about, nor do i remember what the rest of them look like. The parents were intruged of my height saying I was tall for someone from Blenheim, and when I told them I was adopted they asked where I was born, they were suddently shocked when I had told them I was born in Nelson. I remember clearly their faces that night, it was stormy and Elizabeth and I were scared out of our witz, Neither of us liked lightening and really wanted to hide. Their mother was really nice, I can't even remember her name, but she treated me with hugs and hot chocolates, I wasn't so scared after that, I felt like I belonged in this house that week. I always wished I had written to them as I grew up, but none of us ever did.. But I NEVER EVER forgot the time i shared with these beautiful people full of love and warmth.. And to this day, the tears still form.

Now all through the years in between these times.. Many things had happend wchich all tie in.. 1990 I was in a motorcycle club and a group of friends and I went for a trip to Murcheson. We had stayed at Owen River in our make believe cheateu an awesome old shack with no doors or windows. We drove to Murch an went for a drink, a littl eold pub on the main street. As we walked in, a lady walked out, we looked at each other but said nowt. As we walked in, the locals stared and when i went to the bar to get our drinks, he said 'hey pam what you doing back?; then looked around and appologized an said, 'you're not pam.' I just replied, "no, i'm not" i took my drink back to the table, and each of my friends noticed everyone was watching. I thought it was my height, but no, it was the fact I looked like a local they all knew well.

In 1994, my beautiful daughter Sharnella-Gaye was born, then along with my two horses, for a while we had moved to timaru.. 1996 instigated a move to Ashburton, and along the way I placed my horses at a little town called Hinds, Next to this sweet middle aged couple that were caring and giving and really neat. they reminded me of someone who I should have known, but back then, I had no idea at all. All I remember was the names of these two, but by their surnames.. One day I'd be schoked as to who they were.. but after a few months i then moved to Lauriston, Not far from Methven, to a Standardbred Stud.
My life took a change for the better it seemed. I was educating horses, this is just an upgraded name for breaking them in, which is no longer done the old fashioned way.. anyway, I hadn't kept in contact with this lovely couple in Hinds, but thought of them often, yeah they intrigued my mind. Sometimes I wished I contacted them again, but I let it slip by years and years by... But in between, I had met a lady around 1998, her Name was Erin, we talked and talked and talked some more, She was lovely and I felt like she belonged in my life, We were great friends despite the fact she was 40yrs my senior.. then one day she died, I felt like I had lost a bit of me, and wished so much I'd know why we had met and why we had been connected.

My career in horses was set, weanlings and broodmares I was exstatically happy! Until I moved to Christchuch in 2000, then many things began to change again...
I moved for a job in Real Estate, but I lost my car to my Ex, my job and well, one of my horses. I was miserable for some time, because of my 'parentr' I lost my daughter too. Memories of Erin came back, and other things tht I had missed out on, including that family I had met in my youth.. I had no idea why Erin mattered so much not until one day in 2001 when a friend of mine in Auckland made me take the plunge, she got the envelope and even paid postage, I sent away for my Pre-adoptive birth certificate..

Weeks passed and my letter came back, but I wasn't allowed to receive the certificate by post, but had to go and pick it up from some woman's house, When I opened it, and I read the name, a weight lifted and I felt more comfortable and content with me.
Something about this name had always been alluring and suddenly, I knew why.. Becuase it was MY name.. thoughts of my dear departed friend came back, and tears flooded my eyes, I could not believe how much life could be twisted.. Giveing us a drop of hope now and then. It didn't matter, I was strong even then.

In 2003 I met a man from Nelson, NZ we became great friends then later much more, but it didn't last long although we still talk, we're friends even now, but thats as far as it goes... Of course it was through the Internet.. And not long after our liason started, I began to search my brothers and sisters finding all their names and realising many things. I was scared at this point because all of the names were of people I had already met.. I cried. then once I was composed, I began my search, The Election records was my first stop and what did I find.. ? Their former address of course...
I waited a while before contacting my friend in Nelson, because he's a Tiler and always busy, but one day he called me on the way to a job, Karaka Street.. I was shocked.
I asked him to do me a favour and he obliged.. I asked him to go to a house and tell me the number, I described in detail the house I stayed when I was 11, and he told me it was 33 asking why, I said it's ok, it doesn't matter.

He didn't need to know anyway.

You see, the years have passed, boyfriends come and gone, my life has taken many twists and turns, but the thing that has always remained was the fact my mind never forgets.. The people of my past, present and future all tie in together one way or another. My host family in 1980, the people who lived next to where I grazed my horses in Hinds, Erin the wonderful lady full of courage and strength, my friend in Nelson who proved my suspicians, a former partner who helped me make a phone call to my birth parents.. She answered the phone, with my own voice, then I made a mistake, I asked for William, when I asked if they had a daughter Erin, he said no, then changed to, "we did, but not any more, he didn't want to talk about it because it would open old wounds and bring back old pain. I was upset at this point and I passed the phone to my partner, he simply got told - they didn't want to know.. EVER!
My son is 22 in january 2011, and a year ago he dated a girl in Blenheim, he told me her dad was a cop, after our talking about my birth name, he was a bit scared cause it was his ex's surname too. I told him to ask some questions and see.. just if it's possible their family is related to me. I'm still waiting for him to find out.
I'm sure they're related somehow, the names are right, and I feel a closeness to family when I'm visiting up there, and i'm sure this is the reason I got this letter tonight..
Either my birthmum wants to know, or at least ask me to leave the rest alone.. either way, thats ok with me.

There's an unspoken feeling of love for her, hell, she gave birth to me!
I have no judgement, hate no negative thoughts, all I want to know is where I belong.

Any out there, who are reading this now, if you are adopted, or have adopted one out, be strong and have faith, that one day, it will be right for you to make that step.. not run away and hide. I don't know if others feel the same, but love isn't soemthing that you grow, or buy, it's just there within us waiting to be found... If you have been thinking about someone who was with you at birth yet isn't now because of adoption.. do something about it before it's too late, how do you know they wont be taken from you by fate?

Dedicated to my birth mum, Ann.. ty for my name, I love it; it feel like I finallyI belong. I'm looking forward to meeting you again.
And Rose, my mum who just woke up from her doze... Hardship and toil created many woes, but it's alright now, I'm here for you..


Update: 27/08/010 -

wanted to know who i am. i hesitated a few minutes and then took a plunge and a risk and searched facebook for them. i found a sister, and one of her daughter's too, it was really awesome and felt great to know they actually care enough to find out.

the thing that hurt, was they only knew since a year past and they had been told i was born dead. i guess they had their reasons but who knows. hearing it hurt more than being told i should never have been gotten.
as excited as i was earlier, i'm now not sure what to do.

Update: 23/9/010 -

Well I have been talking to my real sister for a month, man time goes fast. We haven't met yet, but we will do soon. I wanted to update this again because there are hundreds of thousands of people in this world who have been adopted, or have adopted or have given their child up for adoption... or anyone who is thinking about doing so..

My advice is, stay true to yourself, if you have a desire to find that specific person, or have for what ever reason kept that person 'hidden' through a secret... do something about it. Guarantee that one is hurting. If like me, you were a family secret for nearly half a century... then I know what it feels ike, its crap. I think there should be a law against veto's, and that if there are other children involved it should be made knowledgable to them and give them the choice to do something about it. I feel for my brothers and sisters who were never told, half of them don't want to know me, i think they blame me for their lack of knowing, Talk about small minded aye, their life is no different to mine and yet I am being judged for 'our' mother's mistakes. In someways, i don't want to meet any of them, but other ways, i do.

UPDATE 3rd oct 2010...

I JUST MET TWO OF MY SISTERS... marg an liz the twins, marg rang me on my birthday which was yesterday the 2nd hehe and her an her hubby paul came an got me an dragged me to murcheson to meet liz the terrible twin hehe was such a wicked meeting, marg an i bawled our eyes out for a few mins yeah was a tad emotional hehe and we yakked and laughed for the 3hr drive, it was the best birthday present i've ever had in my life.. 43yrs to the day.. wow! then we got to murch, oh an pauls a total idjit too, i can see we will all get along well hehe

anyway we buggered off to murch an liz coulddnt get us outa the car fast enough hahahaha she's a bottle blonde like me but we are all the same, its weird cos i feel like i belong here with this lot and its freakin awesome...

they all have hangovers.. haha that will teach them, i stopped drinkin, it's not who i am so, im me reguardless and well... it was just freakin wicked!!!

so to follow up,... if you're adopted, or did the adoptin or let one go... its such a wicked thing to find them... my advice is... DO IT!!! ;) later gaters, im off to enjoy the sun with my sissies hehee

LAST UPDATE: 3rd Oct 2011
i finally met one of my brothers in feb this year, hes pretty kewl, an his wife, she's really nice. they have two georgeous daughters, still not met them yet. the saddest part is, i haven't heard from lzy or marg for so long, and not seen either of them since before xmas 2010, i think they forgot my birthday yesterday, oh well, i shoulda expected that. i'll text them on theirs anyway.

for those who have searched and found.. if you start that contact, follow it thorugh, cos its a let down when they suddenly forget ya exist again. it actually sux.
i've decided i am never going to meet ann, i talked to her on the phone, she's got her life, i have mine and it will stay that way. but that doesn't mean anyone else who is adopted or adopted someone out will have the same responses.

just remember.. everything happens for a reason.. and theres a reason for everything. the reason of this update is cos so many have been following this hub and i wanted to do a last update to show that its not all roses nor is it all gloom. i know who i am, i am happy with that and my BIG bro is really awesome. and so are marg n liz. the rest live in aussie and i have no intention of ever going over there.

This hub is to show others in this situation they are not alone and that if they want to voice fears or comments in the comments just to get it out there.. if it helps, go for it. Lzy that put comments down there, is my real sis, we talk on facebook and i am waiting to meet her. :)

Secrets destroy families!

Comments 30 comments

angelenastanford profile image

angelenastanford 6 years ago from Riverview, FL

Oh My Gosh, this is the most precious life story I have ever read, i myself was adopted and went through many things. I've debated and still I am debating if I should write about what I have been through, there is so much. Things that no one knows except for me. I feel if I write it those things need to be in there. I just dont know if im ready for it. Also I never got to meet or even know not one little thing about my biological father. Anyway thanks for the great hub! Hope to read more from you.

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

i hear ya. the only people that know what i went through, are those reading this hub, and none of them know me.. well not personally. if they do, then it wont take long to figure who i am, i'm close guarded with my feelings for people and wont let most of them in.

it's hard to write about being adopted, especially when it wasn't roses an chocolates.

the only reason i wrote it was because i had to let it go. i felt an amazing weight lift, and something amazing happened last night, a hour after i wrote this, mum and i won 3rd division in lotto. for real. of course it had nothing to do with this, but, we had sat all day, spending quality time and we worked through a system i found and gave it a go.

i just re-read the hub too, and there's bits i've got to add like, the house was my birth parents, so is the couple i grazed my horses near. i met my sister on a bus one day, it was like looking in a mirror. erin was of no relation in anyway, but we shared a name and thats what had connected us.

give it a shot ay, and throw it out there, once you start you will find it hard to stop, trust me, it will feel much better and you'll finally rest. i actually slept last night, from midnight to nearly 10am.. first time in 20years.

angelenastanford profile image

angelenastanford 6 years ago from Riverview, FL

that is probably my biggest reason to write it, to let it go. there isnt a day when part of my past hits me in such a sad way that i really need to let it go but not sure that i have the strength to do so yet. especially to tell it all, but that day will come! just takes time, im insppired by you to do so.

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

no on eis ever 'ready' it takes pain and courage to express an open heart and its ok to write about it, especially if it hurts, because the crying is what lets you write faster, and more openly.

i started a novel about 10years ago, and i never finished it yet it's still there, it's called A Bad Transaction ©.. it's my entire life from even before i was born. i have no idea where the knowledge came from, or the images i carried, ok still carry, but theres a voice of a woman i never knew, it's clear and open and loveing, but i lost it quite abruptly. and other things happened..

write from your heart, search deep in your soul and dont try to make it be easy.. let it be painful, let it hurt. this is the only way you will breakthrough the anxiety and hatred and wastefulness.

you're welcome to send emails if you want to discuss in private and have some real support from someone whos been through a lot too. :)

just use the contact sugz link on my profile.


sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

one thing i found angie, is that until we love ourselves.. we cannot love another. i have loved me for many many years, since letting my past go, it no longer hurts me, but i share your hurt and fear.

until you 'spill your gutts' wether it be on paper in a biography for your own private world until you're ready to share with someone you love.. or publically on a hub or just to somebody who cares enough to let you.. you will never be able to love yourself freely and have a happy contented life.

none of my friends know of my life.. not in my own country anyway.. overseas.. theres a few.

Jaggedfrost profile image

Jaggedfrost 6 years ago

This level of content will take you far. It is a lot more open and soft then anything I have been willing to write. Still I think that if you cut and pasted this into a Word document this account would sparkle.

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

Thanks Jagged.. it was just a spare of the moment thing, i didn't even have time to think what i was writing, it just got thrown out there. i think if i edit it in word, it wont have the same effect as being there and then. i use word for most of the others tho :) it was a instant response from a letter..

you made a good suggestion, but it feels right to leave it raw and un-prrofed. we don't edit our instant feelings in real life.. well, not straight away.. and this was instinct, direct from my feelings on the spot so, although i enjoy receiving constructive critiscism and suggestions that are made from good people like yourself. i'm going to refrain from taking yours.. this time anyway :)

lately everything i write seems to be from deep somewhere i have no control over.. so, i'm just getin it out. for soemreason, it feeels like there's a big change coming, a few already have.. but since being on HP, my writing has suddenly increased and my mind is opening all sorts or doors that i feel like i have to just sit back an wait to see what happens. :)

you mentioned, 'anything you have been willing to write' i'm never willing, i just don't have the 'wont power' to switch it off yet lol

Jaggedfrost profile image

Jaggedfrost 6 years ago

lol I understand how that goes. I have written 73 articles give or take and only a couple do I keep unpublished because they are thoughts I still haven't groomed properly. I wouldn't dream of you editing the grammar because though when I went through my work I did a bit of that I think that some of the raw colloquialisms that I indulged in were rubbed out and made my textured canvas grow plastic and unfeeling for its sterility. I applaud your digging deep. I may do a bit of that pretty soon myself. I tried once before but what can I say? I am a complicated person and the truth from me usually causes more problems then half truths that are easier for everyone to swallow. I only thought that though you were digging deep that perhaps you were in the mood to communicate while you were at it and communication usually improves when the spelling gets brushed up a bit. I understand if this too is not your desire but if it is the thought that counts, my ability to read quickly is bad enough that though I would love to take inspiration through your writing, it was hard enough to get through sometimes that this response actually did me more good. The ironic thing is that there isn't much difference between your response to my quick comment and your article it was just shorter.

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

hehe i hear ya..

when ever i use a spell checker in word, it come sup with New Zealand grammar, which is actually quite different from American etc.. and a lot of our words are spelt differently. i like to call myself the queen of typo's partly cos all my friends do and cos the faster i type, the less mistakes i make, and the only time typing that fast ever happens is in my novels. the slower i type, the more mistake i make, yes i'm weird. lol

plus rightnow, my eyes are half shut and most the time i have them closed while i type this time of night, its after 3am, i bin awake since 7am an i can sense i'm slipping into txt chat lol

yes, my dialogue in this hub is of wanting to communicate as well, as you said, to change grammar etc in the hub itself, would proably cause ti to sound flat, and listless and unemotional, when conveying something to others i like to have it to a good standard, this one,, is just out there..

in this secion tho.. i'm just lazy when it comes to comments boxes and answer boxes etc. i'm actually a very acurrate typist with 45-70wpm copied text, and 120pm free type with a error rate of around 3%, i donstantly put myself through typing tests to imporove my speed and accuracy - in here as well as my hubs i know i should capitalize and correct mytypo's but people are learning, this is unique to me.. if i lose it, i'll probably lose the plot LOL

i've found that when writing heartfelt stuff, i'm not actually the one doing the digging, my mind just relaxes and i type what i think. i have a bad habbit of doing that.. having done years of dictation for friends, they say it i type it, my mind has followed suit, but there are times it works very well other times even i think i sound like i'm prattling. but on the hole.. if you have a hidden depth that just requires that release in your owrds, it will happen when it's meant to. to force it to surface, is something detrimental to not only ones sanity but also to ones heart. we teach ourselves to close our emotions down when we force things in our lives. this is how people become known as 'hard' or 'closed off' it really isn't what is actually going on but a fear of letting the inner self open up and realise that the world is a hearing spirit that loves to share and grieve and feel joy for those who touch each individual what ever way it manages.

i must be tired, cos i have to go back an read all that or edit it.. nah, i'm jkust gona let it sit as it is.. feels rgiht :)

went back, read it.. :) it'll either make sense to you or it wont

Jaggedfrost profile image

Jaggedfrost 6 years ago

no sense in editing. This was a pleasure to read. I could wait and probably should to be understood and to speak my mind, it is sad, however to be misunderstood and know I have none to blame but no one. I am a product of a past that was neither kind nor caring. I don't bemoan that fact other then to state it frankly. There isn't any anger that holds a sting or a flame for that any more that I can tell. Yet, even so I find that the unpleasantness of the circumstances there bar me from expecting from the world anything less then I expect from myself. I have always expected of myself perfection but not flawlessness. I have given up on expecting that of the world though I think that somehow it as an attitude still bleeds out when I find a kindred spirit with whom to discourse. I will stop trying to perfect you though and just enjoy. I appreciate being able to read your reply easily though regardless of your tired eyes.

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

:) i understand the need for perfection in the world and those around us. i did that for many years, i could never be happy because i always found fault in something, but over the years i did a lot of soul searching and realised, i'm no more perfect than anyone else. we all have flaws, it's how we deal with those and what we do to enrich the ability to make mistakes and learn from them. i admire your openness with your replies and i thank you because it shows me that although many people in this world are holding back their own pasts.. when it surfaces, such deep truths come forth that make them much more interesting ;)

i htink you have already started you rown healing process by responding to my comments, and i would be honored to read any thing that you put forth through pain and hurt of a past so haunting. i'm no shrink, and for anyone to open to a total stranger that they keep themselves hidden and have been through some sort of hurt, is a strength and a quality that is completely admirable.

when we start writing tho.. of our pasts and pain and hurt the anger does come out, but it makes our words so honest that like yourself.. cannot read without feeling what is being said.. forget about wether you will make mistakes in it's text, forget about the typo's that may lay beneath the hidden depths of your soul.. throw it onto the screen and just publish.. raw and completely vulnerable... because that is where the biggest impact sits and when the true release actualy happens. :)

my favourite quote use to be..

"I live like I type, fast, with a lot of mistakes!"

and now, the quotes i live by is one of my own..

"I am never alone, as long as I am around!"

and this one from a t-shirt i found..

"Live Life Like You Mean It.."

Jaggedfrost profile image

Jaggedfrost 6 years ago

Were I to venture such a post after all of the other posts that I have made which are sometimes wickedly cleaver and biting, I am afraid, in my way, to speak ill of the world and specific people in it in ways that may not be truthful because of the obvious taint my own perspective at the time put on people and events. Heaven knows that is why I have never ventured so far. I acknowledge as I always have that my conditions warp and have distorted both the me that observed and observes and the me that acted and participated in such a way that I can often point the finger as much at myself in some small regard as I can at some of the very human actions of those around me at the time. Their actions may not have been appropriate but I can't dismiss the possibility that those actions didn't start out as simple cause and effect.

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

its not about speaking ill of anyone, it's about healing your own emotions and finding s sense of wellbeing. stuff what others think, when they realise what effect it has has on you as a whole they will listen more carefully and see the truth it all holds.

we each speak our own minds and give our opinions where it may or may not be deserved, i am at fault for the same things. yet, i do not do injustice for the sake of it, nor put malice onto another, i do not talk about others behind their back, and never use actions that aren't based on facts. i say what's on my mind and i don't give a damn if a wrong person hears it providing it wont actually hurt someone, i'm true to who i am and refuse to change just to keep the peace..

often what is said in jest, is only a reflection of how we are feeling at that time, as i know you are aware, and it is this reason each of us have to find the balance that equals both sides of oneself.

it seems to me, you are in search of your own answers and are willing to find them yet afraid that you are going to cause an avalanche of the wall you have built around you.

i've been there an done that.. but you have already made the start by talking to me in here.

nothing of our conversation has or could offend me, and i woudl probably laugh it the conversation took a turn for the worse which i know it wont.

i have at times said things to others in forums and chat sites that i probably should have shut up, and some were provoked, others, yeah well.. lol

all of us take an understanding of things in our own way, if you have a tainted view of people and events, thats ok, because it's how you have been conditioned to react to that situation.

how ever you write what it is that comes out, would have to be true because no one else would have written it, only you. if it doesn't seem realistic to others, that doesn't matter because it's realistic to you. if soemthing has a possibility of cause and effect, that doesn't matter, if a wrong was done in the first place.. it's what bearing it has on you as a human being that justifies what is written.

Jaggedfrost profile image

Jaggedfrost 6 years ago

I will have to give all of this some serious thought and you may yet see a raw piece amongst my polished walled fortresses. I may have to use Raw in the title to distinguish it but who knows, that type of a title sounds more fitting of porn. I will think of something though. Words first, then titles will keep me out of too much trouble but only just.

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

i changed my title twice before i published it, then once a few days later.. the title will fall into it's right words when it's meant to.

i look forward to reading.. :)

by the way, i just found out this morning that my birthmother now lives in australia.. i wont be following lol have no desire to ever go there.. she can come here lol

Jaggedfrost profile image

Jaggedfrost 6 years ago

That is understandable. She left originally, it isn't really healthy for you to be the one to follow her around.

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

:) she sent me photo's of my brothers an sisters, none of her tho, which is what i really want. but, out of the 5 in the pics.. i know 3 of them already.. have met them on occasions, and think i've been out on plnk with one of them... i sent a message to one in facebook, why not right... lol

Lzy 6 years ago

I am so sorry to hear about your life as a young person,we also had the same sort of upbringing,with mum being an abusive mother and Dad always yelling n screaming at us.the young person that had curly hair,and always smiling was Douglas,he now lives in Blenhiem.the information that you were born dead was wrong,it was a brother that was older,SORRY.apparently you were adopted because your parents couldnt afford to have any more children,but that did not stop them from having even have seven brothers and sisters...Elizabeth/Margaret/Robin/Jannine/Douglas/Dale/ Suzanne,.I am so glad that you took the plunge to look the family up,it will be so good to get to know you and to finally feel complete.your oldest sister Liz.xxxxxx

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

:) ty liz. there's so much i need to know. and want to know. i had all the names, including suzanne's.. was she adopted too or did she live with you?

i was told i was the last of 9, but my finding's never showed that. even your name wasn't on my list, perhaps the ones i have are wrong, william(robin?), douglas, florence (janine?) dale (Tone?) myself then suzanne born in 1970.. 3yrs after me. these are all the names i had.

it was ann who had finally made contact and although i had been hurt in 2007 with our dad's response.. i feel better now having finally found you. i guess we all need to know a lot aye. and having first 'met' you and anna, i really want to know you both so well. there's something that made me contact you instead of the others, i think it may have been the memory i have. i'm not entirely sure, but it felt right.

thanks sis..

i've never had someone to say that to before.

my parent's coudlnt have any, dad put the blame onto mum but it wasn't her at all, she still had a hystorectomy before she was 18. she's old an frail and hasn't been well but i think she would be ok hearing i found my family. maybe.

Lzy 6 years ago

I was Twelve when Suzanne was born,and as mum was so sick i became her Mum until i left home at 16 to get married,biggest mistake of my life,it was really only to get away from the abuse that was going on in the house.Dad really wanted to come and meet you with Marg,but he got very sick,then it did not eventuate.I spoke to Marg last nite,n she is also lookn 4wrd to getting to know you.My childrens names are Ted Walker 33/ Blair Wanstall coming up 25/Mikala Wanstall 22/Jeff Wanstall 17/Anneliese Wanstall 16 on monday i have had the memory that we had met when i was younger.Have thought about you since i found out about you,xxx gtg as have visitors.catch you on the flip side.xxxxxxxxxxxxx

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

you have no idea how much that all means.

i knew it hadn't felt wrong knowing you were my family in 1980, thre was a connection when you an i were scared of that storm. from memory the room was top of the stairs on the left at the back of the house?

i never thought i'd ever get to meet a friend i had in the town i was born, 32years later.

elizabeth was a name that stuck my entire life, and the image of a girl who was so excited at having a billet stay, and i always wondered what happened to everyone, i wished for years we'd all kept the contact.

to this day i have never forgotten, and some strong yet vague images are coming back. but the one that stood out so strong all these years was elizabeth teling me about chokito, i've never forgot, he was dark bay and had 4 white socks but not on his hooves, they were on the pastern. like the chocolate bar she had said.

ty for the info, you're awesome.

lata sista

god that feels good lol

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

ya know, liz.. the only time in my life that ever felt like it 'fit' was when i was in nelson at age 11.. i'd only found out a year before that i was adopted, my parent's didn't want me going for the sports and they argued about it, but i wanted to go. and when i was leaving, mum said.. they might be your family, i had already been thinking that myself even before she'd said it. and since then, my entire life has been in limbo.

life throw some twists and turns at us.. and i'm a believer of everything happens for a reason, an theres a reason for everything.

and now, i do feel numb but that i think is just the realization of what has happened and knowing i actually have a family that wants to know me instead of the other way round.

an yeah, it's scary. but i'm ready.

ya baby sis, xx Erin Edwards

Lzy 6 years ago

Have jst had a phone call frm Marg n tld her that have bn tlkn to you,n she jst tld me she just got all the info from cyfs about where youu live n your ph no so if it ok wth you cld i ring you l8tr,being rude to my visis so have to go...xxxxx

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

yes definately, i sent you all the details in facebook yeseterday.

if i dont get to the landline in time, then just try again a few seconds later. i'll be home all night.

tell marg she is welcome to call too, or txt or just drop in. my home is always open to 'my family' :)

Lzy 6 years ago

Well i finally met you sugz,it was so freakn awsome,what a great dae with you Marg and Paul,to finally meet the person that was taken from you at birth,is the best feeling ever,i was a bit nervous also apprehensive,but i wldnt have changed the way we all met for the whole world.i am feeling very lucky to have a sister like you,you are very special,and our friendship can only grow from here,to anyone else out there who has been adopted,and is not sure how you will be received into your new found family,i would say to you take the plunge,it is truly worth is only to be lived once,even though you cant change what has happened in your past you owe it to yourself to get on with your future.A very happy person i am today for meeting my sister.Lzy

sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

awww... it was sooooo blardy awesoem meetin you aye. i wish i had known you for years but as it says way up there.... eveyrthing in life happens for a reason an theres a reason for everything..

ann has rang me about 5 times, i'll ring her this weekend. doesn't she know i'm workin graveyard shift? LOL oh well.. its ok. off for ride on bike with mate moro... my life feels more free now, like i finally know WHO i am and WHAT i want to do in life.. i have some answers.. will get the rest of them from ann and take life from there :)

get your A'' through here on the 13th... lol

am so glad marg n paul dragged me through there aye... but i really miss my pillows... hahahaha

freecampingaussie profile image

freecampingaussie 5 years ago from Southern Spain

My sister in law was adopted, her mum was from wellington, I grew up in christchurch, lived in Nelson 80-83 had a shop Rethreads then called Fantasia , I hope things are better for you now, take care

Loveslove profile image

Loveslove 5 years ago from England

WOW WOW WOW !!! What a hearwrenching story really touched my heart,choked me up !

Take care

sugz profile image

sugz 5 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

hi, sorry for the late replies and dropping into HP, been a while... since my last visit ot HP, i have met one of my brother's doug.... he is really kewl.. and damn tall, tey're right, i am the short one haha

i'm presuming you're in aussie now free camping? lucky you.. it used to be a pretty city here, am sure you would love to come back, but not wise at the mo... ty for the kind words, and loveslove.. ty, it's completely true.. and the comments are of my real sister.. she's awesome, the twins are mirror twins, ones blonde blue eye'd and left handed, the other is brunette with brown eyes and right handed :) lucky me i'm ambedextrous.. and proud of it ;)

sugz profile image

sugz 5 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand Author

well its taken a while and i just remembered gQQd ole, hubpages... i'm hoping people still read this hub, cos well, in feb this year (2011) i got to meet doug, one of our brothers, he is awesome an although i have seen lzy an marg a few times, they're as busy as i am, but we keep in contact, it would be nice to have a lot more contact cos it leaves me feeling sad when its ages in between. i hear from doug often, haven't heard from ann again, rang her on 31st dec 2010.. never heard from her agian, and i'm ok with that.. probably cos i don't feel like i need to anymore.. but, it would be nice to actually know her. if you have read this, and have found family or even looking for family from past.. welcome to add it in the comments.. i'd like everyone to find that missing link to their life and help put all the pieces together :) even though i don't hear from liz or marg often, i think of htem all the time. i miss them.

send me your links if you have soemthing about adoption, i'd love to read an share.


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