Adoption isn't always a good thing.. Until that first meeting...
If you have already read this hub and are looking for the full update , skip to the bottom and then check the comments as well... :) I will get a pic of me, marg an lzy over the next few weeks, man they look like me haha
Everything Happens For A Reason, & There's A Reason For Everything!!!
Erin - Twists of fate and possibly lies suddenly have become clearer through my sister's eyes...
There isn't reall a lot I know about it except the fact not just 5 minutes before starting to write this Hub, I opened a letter I had previously ignored from an unknown address, a PO Box.. Well I chose to open it and inside was a message saying, my birth mother wants to contact me and give information.. I'm sure she wants to just explain why I was sold instead of growing up with the rest of the family, I was number 6 of 7.. the last as far as I know probably given up too, but I don't know.
I'm not angry, nor even hurt, 42 years is a long time to get over that shock. I'm not completely sure what the aim on this hub is although, there are millions of people in this world that were adopted OUT.. others adopted IN..
For me, I wish I had the choice of where to go, see, my mother told me when I was only 8yrs old that she hated me and later when I was 10, told me I had been adopted, my world fell apart because if she had softened the blow with love instead of telling me the only reason they got me was for more money. Then Perhaps my life would have been different, I don't know...
My brother was adopted too, but from Wellington, we were so different, I stood up for myself! We no longer talk, and I want to keep it that way. But the most part.. dad used to beat us I can't remember the days I went to school without bruises, only always having to hide my arms and legs and never go swimming in summer, and he yelled all the time and shows mum no respect, he hit her too
I don't know how I managed, to get through this life and I'm stronger now than I was back then, reguardless of how hard my life is sometimes but I find happiness in myself, well 90% of the time. I don't keep track of the punches and slaps nor the name calling or anything else. I managed to deal with it, I got through it, and I told none of my friends, but one seemed to know, yet we aren't friends anymore. I often wondered if we were related cos we looked very similar and her mother hated me on the netball team. She was the coach and wanted her daughter as Centre, I didn't really care, I only played sports so I didn't have to go home.
One day when I was feeding my son, I was 22, mum came in and picked a fight with me.. fists and all.. I hit her over the head with my sons bottle, the old man came in, he threw everything off the bench to the floor and my son was screaming as his bottle went flying too. I barged past this jerk and gently put my son in his bed, then walked back to the room and let rip. I gave some home truths that shocked the old lady and the old man's face was the colour of dead!
He stood and somehow flew across the room, he punched me with all his force yet I caught him mid-drift and sent him sailing back to the couch. I stormed out of the room and he followed yelling and screaming, but when we got to the kitchen I just turned and grabbed him.. I had hooked my finger into his eye, I pulled and pulled with all my might, he buckled to his knees and never to this day, spoke of what happened nor got in my way. He's dead now, and I never did it. there were many times I so wanted to tho. He was the only person in the world who made me fly at them like so.
That was my Adopted life!
I'm strong, I use my brain completely well ok, within the realms of my ability, yet, there are things about adoption I still don't understand, for being a mother is wonderful, trivial and devilishly hard but the most part a beautiful reason to live..
Often I wear my heart on my sleeve, my adopted mum right now is asleep on the couch she has no idea i've read this letter or even responded by saying damn right I want more info.
For those who already know, i'm in New Zealand, Christchurch to be exact, but I haven't always lived here, I grew up in a different town. I wont say where because I'm still keeping myself hidden. In 1980 my school was part of the South Island School Sport Competitions, and I got to go.. I was awesome at table tenis back then, known in most countries as PingPong, totally silly name that, but anyway, I had won my singles comp and my lifetime friend from back then and I won the pairs, so I was pretty happy.
No idea what happened, cos I really hate sport now. But anyway, back to 1980.. Schools were asked to Billet childred from the other towns, and a place I stayed at I have NEVER forgotten..
The house was huge, two story, white and beautiful, massive dinging room and a huge lounge where we all sat and talked and laughed a lot. I think there were four bedrooms upstairs, and a huge stair case that split the house, I loved this house and would one day, like to buy it myself. I was made welcome by this family of 7 who made me instantly part of their family. I loved meeting Elizabeth, we spent hours laughing and talking, I think she loved horses as much as I do because she showed me a horse she knew, Chokito, The rest of them were nice but I really only remember Elizabeth and a couple of boys, there was another sister, I remembered her name because it sounded strange, Flo they called her, she was nice to me when I had swalloed a fish bone. The other's names, I can't quite remember, but soemtimes a boy called Dale pops ito my head, I remember a boy with clurlyish hair and he smiled a lot, no idea what that's about, nor do i remember what the rest of them look like. The parents were intruged of my height saying I was tall for someone from Blenheim, and when I told them I was adopted they asked where I was born, they were suddently shocked when I had told them I was born in Nelson. I remember clearly their faces that night, it was stormy and Elizabeth and I were scared out of our witz, Neither of us liked lightening and really wanted to hide. Their mother was really nice, I can't even remember her name, but she treated me with hugs and hot chocolates, I wasn't so scared after that, I felt like I belonged in this house that week. I always wished I had written to them as I grew up, but none of us ever did.. But I NEVER EVER forgot the time i shared with these beautiful people full of love and warmth.. And to this day, the tears still form.
Now all through the years in between these times.. Many things had happend wchich all tie in.. 1990 I was in a motorcycle club and a group of friends and I went for a trip to Murcheson. We had stayed at Owen River in our make believe cheateu an awesome old shack with no doors or windows. We drove to Murch an went for a drink, a littl eold pub on the main street. As we walked in, a lady walked out, we looked at each other but said nowt. As we walked in, the locals stared and when i went to the bar to get our drinks, he said 'hey pam what you doing back?; then looked around and appologized an said, 'you're not pam.' I just replied, "no, i'm not" i took my drink back to the table, and each of my friends noticed everyone was watching. I thought it was my height, but no, it was the fact I looked like a local they all knew well.
In 1994, my beautiful daughter Sharnella-Gaye was born, then along with my two horses, for a while we had moved to timaru.. 1996 instigated a move to Ashburton, and along the way I placed my horses at a little town called Hinds, Next to this sweet middle aged couple that were caring and giving and really neat. they reminded me of someone who I should have known, but back then, I had no idea at all. All I remember was the names of these two, but by their surnames.. One day I'd be schoked as to who they were.. but after a few months i then moved to Lauriston, Not far from Methven, to a Standardbred Stud.
My life took a change for the better it seemed. I was educating horses, this is just an upgraded name for breaking them in, which is no longer done the old fashioned way.. anyway, I hadn't kept in contact with this lovely couple in Hinds, but thought of them often, yeah they intrigued my mind. Sometimes I wished I contacted them again, but I let it slip by years and years by... But in between, I had met a lady around 1998, her Name was Erin, we talked and talked and talked some more, She was lovely and I felt like she belonged in my life, We were great friends despite the fact she was 40yrs my senior.. then one day she died, I felt like I had lost a bit of me, and wished so much I'd know why we had met and why we had been connected.
My career in horses was set, weanlings and broodmares I was exstatically happy! Until I moved to Christchuch in 2000, then many things began to change again...
I moved for a job in Real Estate, but I lost my car to my Ex, my job and well, one of my horses. I was miserable for some time, because of my 'parentr' I lost my daughter too. Memories of Erin came back, and other things tht I had missed out on, including that family I had met in my youth.. I had no idea why Erin mattered so much not until one day in 2001 when a friend of mine in Auckland made me take the plunge, she got the envelope and even paid postage, I sent away for my Pre-adoptive birth certificate..
Weeks passed and my letter came back, but I wasn't allowed to receive the certificate by post, but had to go and pick it up from some woman's house, When I opened it, and I read the name, a weight lifted and I felt more comfortable and content with me.
Something about this name had always been alluring and suddenly, I knew why.. Becuase it was MY name.. thoughts of my dear departed friend came back, and tears flooded my eyes, I could not believe how much life could be twisted.. Giveing us a drop of hope now and then. It didn't matter, I was strong even then.
In 2003 I met a man from Nelson, NZ we became great friends then later much more, but it didn't last long although we still talk, we're friends even now, but thats as far as it goes... Of course it was through the Internet.. And not long after our liason started, I began to search my brothers and sisters finding all their names and realising many things. I was scared at this point because all of the names were of people I had already met.. I cried. then once I was composed, I began my search, The Election records was my first stop and what did I find.. ? Their former address of course...
I waited a while before contacting my friend in Nelson, because he's a Tiler and always busy, but one day he called me on the way to a job, Karaka Street.. I was shocked.
I asked him to do me a favour and he obliged.. I asked him to go to a house and tell me the number, I described in detail the house I stayed when I was 11, and he told me it was 33 asking why, I said it's ok, it doesn't matter.
He didn't need to know anyway.
You see, the years have passed, boyfriends come and gone, my life has taken many twists and turns, but the thing that has always remained was the fact my mind never forgets.. The people of my past, present and future all tie in together one way or another. My host family in 1980, the people who lived next to where I grazed my horses in Hinds, Erin the wonderful lady full of courage and strength, my friend in Nelson who proved my suspicians, a former partner who helped me make a phone call to my birth parents.. She answered the phone, with my own voice, then I made a mistake, I asked for William, when I asked if they had a daughter Erin, he said no, then changed to, "we did, but not any more, he didn't want to talk about it because it would open old wounds and bring back old pain. I was upset at this point and I passed the phone to my partner, he simply got told - they didn't want to know.. EVER!
My son is 22 in january 2011, and a year ago he dated a girl in Blenheim, he told me her dad was a cop, after our talking about my birth name, he was a bit scared cause it was his ex's surname too. I told him to ask some questions and see.. just if it's possible their family is related to me. I'm still waiting for him to find out.
I'm sure they're related somehow, the names are right, and I feel a closeness to family when I'm visiting up there, and i'm sure this is the reason I got this letter tonight..
Either my birthmum wants to know, or at least ask me to leave the rest alone.. either way, thats ok with me.
There's an unspoken feeling of love for her, hell, she gave birth to me!
I have no judgement, hate no negative thoughts, all I want to know is where I belong.
Any out there, who are reading this now, if you are adopted, or have adopted one out, be strong and have faith, that one day, it will be right for you to make that step.. not run away and hide. I don't know if others feel the same, but love isn't soemthing that you grow, or buy, it's just there within us waiting to be found... If you have been thinking about someone who was with you at birth yet isn't now because of adoption.. do something about it before it's too late, how do you know they wont be taken from you by fate?
Dedicated to my birth mum, Ann.. ty for my name, I love it; it feel like I finallyI belong. I'm looking forward to meeting you again.
And Rose, my mum who just woke up from her doze... Hardship and toil created many woes, but it's alright now, I'm here for you..
Update: 27/08/010 -
wanted to know who i am. i hesitated a few minutes and then took a plunge and a risk and searched facebook for them. i found a sister, and one of her daughter's too, it was really awesome and felt great to know they actually care enough to find out.
the thing that hurt, was they only knew since a year past and they had been told i was born dead. i guess they had their reasons but who knows. hearing it hurt more than being told i should never have been gotten.
as excited as i was earlier, i'm now not sure what to do.
Update: 23/9/010 -
Well I have been talking to my real sister for a month, man time goes fast. We haven't met yet, but we will do soon. I wanted to update this again because there are hundreds of thousands of people in this world who have been adopted, or have adopted or have given their child up for adoption... or anyone who is thinking about doing so..
My advice is, stay true to yourself, if you have a desire to find that specific person, or have for what ever reason kept that person 'hidden' through a secret... do something about it. Guarantee that one is hurting. If like me, you were a family secret for nearly half a century... then I know what it feels ike, its crap. I think there should be a law against veto's, and that if there are other children involved it should be made knowledgable to them and give them the choice to do something about it. I feel for my brothers and sisters who were never told, half of them don't want to know me, i think they blame me for their lack of knowing, Talk about small minded aye, their life is no different to mine and yet I am being judged for 'our' mother's mistakes. In someways, i don't want to meet any of them, but other ways, i do.
UPDATE 3rd oct 2010...
I JUST MET TWO OF MY SISTERS... marg an liz the twins, marg rang me on my birthday which was yesterday the 2nd hehe and her an her hubby paul came an got me an dragged me to murcheson to meet liz the terrible twin hehe was such a wicked meeting, marg an i bawled our eyes out for a few mins yeah was a tad emotional hehe and we yakked and laughed for the 3hr drive, it was the best birthday present i've ever had in my life.. 43yrs to the day.. wow! then we got to murch, oh an pauls a total idjit too, i can see we will all get along well hehe
anyway we buggered off to murch an liz coulddnt get us outa the car fast enough hahahaha she's a bottle blonde like me but we are all the same, its weird cos i feel like i belong here with this lot and its freakin awesome...
they all have hangovers.. haha that will teach them, i stopped drinkin, it's not who i am so, im me reguardless and well... it was just freakin wicked!!!
so to follow up,... if you're adopted, or did the adoptin or let one go... its such a wicked thing to find them... my advice is... DO IT!!! ;) later gaters, im off to enjoy the sun with my sissies hehee
LAST UPDATE: 3rd Oct 2011
i finally met one of my brothers in feb this year, hes pretty kewl, an his wife, she's really nice. they have two georgeous daughters, still not met them yet. the saddest part is, i haven't heard from lzy or marg for so long, and not seen either of them since before xmas 2010, i think they forgot my birthday yesterday, oh well, i shoulda expected that. i'll text them on theirs anyway.
for those who have searched and found.. if you start that contact, follow it thorugh, cos its a let down when they suddenly forget ya exist again. it actually sux.
i've decided i am never going to meet ann, i talked to her on the phone, she's got her life, i have mine and it will stay that way. but that doesn't mean anyone else who is adopted or adopted someone out will have the same responses.
just remember.. everything happens for a reason.. and theres a reason for everything. the reason of this update is cos so many have been following this hub and i wanted to do a last update to show that its not all roses nor is it all gloom. i know who i am, i am happy with that and my BIG bro is really awesome. and so are marg n liz. the rest live in aussie and i have no intention of ever going over there.
This hub is to show others in this situation they are not alone and that if they want to voice fears or comments in the comments just to get it out there.. if it helps, go for it. Lzy that put comments down there, is my real sis, we talk on facebook and i am waiting to meet her. :)
Secrets destroy families!