Adults Who Are Still Dependent On Their Parents
Oh, Harriet, When Will IT Ever Be Over!
The job of parents are raising children with the ultimate purpose of making them independent adults, emotionally, intellectually, and financially. It is the job of children to become increasing autonomous as to achieve that goal. In fact, both parents and children anticipate the latter's independence as adults.
There is nothing more fulfilling to a parent whose adult child is totally independent of them. This parent knows that by having an adult child who can take care of himself/herself, he/she was a successful parent. The average child wants to be independent starting from childhood. When a child is two, he/she strongly asserts his/her personhood as to establish his/her own identity.
Children crave and seek independence whether it is learning to tie his/her shoes and/or mastering such tasks as riding a bicycle without any parental assistance. Children feel confidence when they master tasks. By mastering tasks, children develop a sense of competence and selfl-worth.
As children enter adolescence, they strongly assert their independence as a part of their individuation process. They are becoming adults and are exploring avenues which afford their increasing autonomy. This gradual separation from the parents is part of establishing independence and is expected. It is a rare adolescent who doesn't attempt to self-individuate.
Hopefully, when the child enters young adulthood, he/she has gained the prerequisite skills to be a fully functioning adults. The average young adult strongly anticipates being independent of his/her parents emotionally and financially. In fact, one is considered to be an adult when one graduates from either high school, college, and/or technical school, finds a job, and establish their own living arrangements sans parents.
Many young adults consider it a badge of honor to be financially independent and living on their own even if they are struggling. At least, in their estimation, they are independent adults who are learning the lessons of life. Even if they worry regarding paying bills and meeting certain financial obligations, they prefer to make their own way and refuse to ask their parents for assistance unless it is an extremely dire emergency.
Then there are adults who in other words..........refuse to mature and to accept their responsibilities. Even though they are chronological adults, emotionally they are children or adolescents. They prefer to remain in the psychological comforting womb of living and otherwise being financially dependent upon their parents although they are capable of obtaining a job and living on their own.
Okay, you ask how can young people find suitable jobs which could afford them to live independently of their parents. You assert that in these postindustrial, socioeconomic precarious times with the high unemployment rate, it is near to impossible for young people to obtain decent employment. You further add that apartment and other housing costs are prohibitively expensive.
Yes, it is difficult to find jobs; however, it does not mean that one cannot find a job. There are jobs out there, sometimes it may not be the young person's dream or even desired job at the moment. However, all of us have to start somewhere regarding jobs. There are enterprising young people who even start businesses. In other words, if there is a will, there is a way. It means that one have a game plan regarding looking for jobs.
Regarding, independent living arrangements. There are young people who room with each other in order to split expenses. Also, there is affordable housing around. Even in these precarious socioeconomic times, there are young people who do find jobs and independent living arrangements. In other words, there are some young adults who refuse to let these socioeconomic times deter them from taking responsibility with their lives. They want to be independent and refuse to depend upon their parents, they want to do it themselves!
Many young adults are quite fearful of becoming financially independent and living on their own. They are actually quite comfortable living with their parents. They see their friends and associates struggling with less than desired jobs and living on their own. They portend that this is not for them, often preferring to wait until the socioeconomic times are easier to pursue jobs and living arrangements.
There was one former co-worker who was still financially dependent upon her parents although she had a job. In addition to that she also lived with them. She portended that she wanted to live in a duplex and until then, she intended to live with her parents. She asserted that she was not going to get an ordinary apartment . However,she worked at a clerical job for seven years and she did make an implications that she wanted to advance careerwise.
On a clerical salary, she brought designer and expensive clothing. She also attended college, not establishing a marketable major. She took no core courses but studied a variety of subjects, unfortunately, none of those subjects were marketable towards a career. She also indicated that she did not pay any type of rent nor contributed in other ways to the familial household. In essence, she lived free of charge. To add insult to injury, she also took expensive vacations each year. She can indulge in frivolous luxuries but she contended that "she could not afford" to contribute financially towards the household.
There was another case where co-worker had an adult son living with her. She related that he told her that he wanted his own apartment. Well, that is fine and good. However, he wanted the mother to pay for the apartment. He was not about to pay for the apartment whatsoever. He further contended that his mother had the money to buy and pay for the apartment.
This co-worker did this willingly. She wanted to do this and saw nothing wrong with this. In her mind, whatever her adult son wanted, he got without any questions asked. However, this same co-worker stated that her son was quite immature for his age, had no life and/or career goals, and was totally irresponsible. This son had quite a sporadic school and job history to put it mildly. Almost every job he had, he was always asked to leave. In addition to that, the co-worker stated that she had to make him look for jobs as he often slept until the evening.
Yet a third case had another co-worker whose adult son was so dependent upon them both emotionally and financially that there was a rift in her relationship with her husband. The husband wanted the son to get a job and a place of his own. Conversely, the co-worker wanted her son to live with them until he was "comfortable enough" to get a job "to his liking" and to "get a very nice apartment." The son knew that he was causing a rift between his parents and used this to his advantage.
Why do some adults refuse to grow up and assume adult responsibilities such as obtaining a job and/or living independently. Many of them have been so overindulged and shielded from assuming responsibilities by their parents. Their often well-meaning parents maintain that their children should have a life as stressfree as possible. They portend that children should never experience any type of frustration ever. They do all that is possible to afford their children the easiest life possible.
There are still other parents who either were forced to be on their own before they were ready to so. Because they were on their own earlier than they expected, they endured extremely onerous situations which made them grow up fast, sometimes too fast. These parents do not want their children to go through what they went through. They feel that their children will obtain a job and an apartment when they are emotionally ready to so. They are not going to go into histrionics and force their children to do this before they are ready.
There are parents who are quite socioeconomically affluent and see no problem in financially supporting their children. It is their assertion why should their children struggle and endure "unnecessary" difficulties when the latter can have an easy life. These parents contend what is the big deal in totally supporting their children financially. They stated that they have the money, so why not- after all, that is what money is for!
Many adult children of overprotective and overindulgent parents develop risk aversive behavior. They do not have the prerequisite life skills needed to become totally self-sufficient. They believe that life should always be easy and crumble, when life presents its more negative aspects. They often refuse to realize that often adverse situations make them more resolute and resilient.
Some young adults are quite fearful of being totally independent because they have a fear of failure. They believe that life must be perfect and that there should be no rejections and failures. The process of ever evolving adulthood is often filled with small steps. In other words, one must metaphorically crawl before he/she can walk. And yes- rejections and failures are parts of the life process and there is no escaping this! Experiencing rejections and failures makes a person more mature and aware as to not what to do the next time. Furthermore, rejections and failures are learning and growth experiences. Success often comes with rejections and failures. Many people fail to realize this.
Lastly, there are young adults who have an entitlement mentality. They believe that they should never have to struggle in life and that everything should be handed to them without any effort on their part. They want the nice job now. They want to earn a lot of money now. They want the nice apartment now. Yes, there are some young adults who by their own efforts have a great job, earn a high salary, and have nice apartments, even nice houses. However, the average young adult starting out often must endure socioeconomic struggles for awhile before he/she is in a comfortable status. There are many young adults who prefer to depend on their parents and live comfortably than to live somewhat uncomfortably on their own. They fail to realize their parents had to struggle and make sacrifices to reach their present socioeconomic level.
What is the costs of young adults totally depending upon their parents? They remain infantilized regarding life and survival skills. They live such a euphoric life that when reality comes crashing in, they are quite unprepared as to how to deal with it! They do not mature as emotionally and psychologically as their counterparts who are totally self-sufficient and self-supporting. They also do not establish and own their lives but are often subjected to the rules, mores, and regulations of their parents, like it or not. In other words, young adults who are totally dependent on their parents will never discover who they actually are!
In summation, parents and children anticipate the day where the latter is totally independent and living their individual lives. It is accepted and expected that young adults eventually obtain a job and leave the parental home. In fact, this is the definition of true adulthood and maturity. However, there are young adults who are totally dependent upon their parents emotionally and financially for one reason or another. These reasons range from having a fear of failure to having a sense of entitlement. These young adults who are totally dependent upon their parents are paying an extremely high cost for their extended dependence and delayed adulthood and the cost is very expensive indeed!
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