Babysitting on Acid
This is a chapter in something called Oldies 103.9
Keith Mitchell had been asked to babysit. His younger sister, Lorraine, twice divorced, unhappily single, had a date. Or at least she could have one if someone would watch her three kids, aged 11, 8 and 4. She'd been asked out the night before by this guy who knew a friend of her friend. On short notice, neither of her regular rotation of sitters, nor anyone else she could fathom, was willing or able to watch her kids. She literally begged Keith Mitchell.
“Don’t be a selfish shit.” He was being noncommittal, grunting, saying Oh, shit. I don’t know. Your kids have issues. I like being alone.
It occurred to him that she was being at least as selfish as he was. (Aren’t we all selfish, he mused.) Then he remembered he didn’t want to be the kind of shitbag who kept score emotionally.
Sure, sis. Knock your socks off. Stay out till last call. Get trashed & laid twice. I’ll watch your brood. We’ll have fun.
I love you!
I know you do.
Keith Mitchell’s determination to do good for others was checked only slightly by his unabashed hedonism. He meant well. Still, he had two tabs of acid that Wally’s friend Tara had sold to him at a party two weeks ago. Tara said this shit would change your life. Mitchell said it had better.
So, babysitting huh? Why not? He checked the clock and dropped one tab of acid. It should kick in about an hour after Lorraine left for the night. He ate almonds and waited. The kids accused one another of all manner of atrocities, normal stuff. He made them a dinner of Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee ABCs and 123s along with crunchy pb&j sandwiches. How could humans eat like this? They were consuming the worst kinds of processed garbage laden with chemical preservatives.
Then the acid kicked in.
If the irony of any of this resonated with Keith Mitchell, he hid it well.
He railed against Spongebob Squarepants as annoyingly pointless but the Beyblade that the four-year-old, Kenyon, spun with flashing lights and wooden-floor noises, completely held his attention. He asked the child to pull the cord on it again and again and even though it was basically only a modern version of a spinning top, Kenyon wondered why his uncle kept calling it a majestic UFO.
His sister never asked him to babysit again.