Bad Parenting verses Good Parenting
Parenting a child requires great commitment, love, patience, and a backbone to discipline. It is not an easy job, but it is the most rewarding job.
Most parents do some things right and do some things wrong. We usually learn a lot with our oldest and feel much better with the youngest, but there is no denying that each child is different and must be dealt with on an individual basis.
We want our children to grow up to become descent, productive members of society.
Good parents must guide them and discipline them along the way, so children’s experience growing up is filled with learning for success and the knowledge that their parents are going to be there to love, support, and advise them. Good parents understand the different ways to discipline a child appropriately. They understand that behavior with children comes in stages, and are able to deal with each stage effectively.
Bad parents give into their children and don’t step up when their children need them the most.
Do Not Negotiate with Your Young Child
Babies and toddlers are born wild. An outrageous statement? No, they are born to do what they are guided or not guided to do. If you do not take your role as a responsible parent, you are going to have major problems. You must be strong, and you must give them guidance. It is a difficult task.
When a child is doing something wrong, the parent must let them know on the child's level that it is wrong. I have seen parents negotiate with a child: "If you stop doing this, I will give you that." WHAT? A reward to get your child to stop misbehaving? When was the last time you saw an adult receive a reward for stopping an action that was wrong. I haven't heard any judge say, "Oh, if you stop robbing banks, I will give you some money."
Parents should not confuse children by negotiating with them when they are little. Children need to know the black and white of right and wrong when they are little. Trust me, when they get older, they will learn about the gray areas. When they learn the gray areas, they will either argue because they expect you to negotiate and want to wear you down, or they will possibly argue then listen to your advice on how to handle those situations that are unclear.
You must show your child that you are the parent, and he or she must mind you. Establishing your authority through love and discipline is what they need.
Toddlers will test their limits with you. Sometimes it is down right funny, even the things that are wrong. For instance, your toddler has picked up a curse word: "I don't want the 'damn’ thing," she yells. Oh my gosh, this little beautiful girl just said "damn." It was pretty stinking funny to hear that word come out of her mouth. What do you do? Laugh? Tell her to say it again? Tell her to shut up? Smack her mouth? Put a bar of soap in her mouth?
Even if we think something our kids do is funny, yet we know it is inappropriate, we should not laugh. In the case of the bad language, the parent should, on a toddler’s level, ask, “Where did you hear that word?” She heard it from an older sibling or an adult, etc. “That is not a nice word, and ‘your big sister’ was wrong when she said it in front of you. If you hear her say it, you need to tell her it is a bad word.” The toddler usually understands this type of talk. They understand you are asking for their help in ridding the world of bad words when you ask them to tell another person that “damn” is not a nice word. You also need to express to the toddler that she cannot say the word again, or you will have to wash her mouth out with soap. I am not talking the Lava scene from “A Christmas Story”; just a dab of soap on your finger to her mouth. It taste terrible, the toddler will know there is a consequence, and hopefully you will not have to worry about being in church and the toddler yelling, “Would you give me the ‘damn’ thing?”
There are always going to be times when you feel like crawling in a hole when your toddler does something shocking or that reflects poorly on your home life (you will laugh about it later), but letting them know there is a consequence at their level will help prevent this type of behavior.
Discipline by Spanking Does Not Mean Beating
Many disagree with a spanking or a swat. It is not cruel. It is not teaching your kids it is all right to hit others. Sometimes it is the only way to startle a child out of doing something destructive or harmful to himself or to others. For instance, if your son goes over and, without any reason, hits his sister with a stick leaving a big, red welt. Telling him, “You shouldn’t do that” is not enough to persuade him he did something wrong. There needs to be a consequence. He sees his sister is crying, he sees you are upset, but these things to do not register. You have to tell him what he did wrong in a stern tone and give him a swat on the leg. Not a swat that leaves a mark, but one that has a little sting and lets him know that there are bad consequences for bad actions. Most times it hurts his feelings more than his bottom or leg. That is usually when, as a parent, you want to cave in because his shaking bottom lip and sad eyes nearly do you in... Be strong. He loves you, and the spanking shows him he does not want to disappoint you again.
Spanking should be used sparingly and never with anger. Many people will disagree with this form of discipline. That is fine. Spanking teaches them they cannot hurt others without a similar consequence. It usually only takes a few spankings during their toddler years to teach them about the connection of bad actions to bad consequences.
Know When to Say "No"
Do you know parents who just can't say, "No," to their kids? They are doing irreparable damage. When a child receives approval for everything: "Oh, isn't that cute that he is tearing the stuffing out of Aunt Sissy's new pillows," or "Oh, he is throwing a fit in the middle of JC Penney. Everyone understands and won't mind listening to his blood curdling screams. He’s just a toddler," etc. - the child is not going to grow into an acceptable member of society, and the parent who allows their child’s disruptive behavior is a fool for not disciplining and saying, "No, you cannot do that; it is not acceptable." The child goes through life from baby to adult thinking the world revolves around him.
It doesn't matter if your child gets mad at you for saying, "No." It is your responsibility to teach the child. Do not think for one minute that people in public are lauding your parenting skills as a "patient, suffering parent," when you have the power to do something about it. Commit yourself to having the backbone to discipline the child.
Parenting Takes a Strong Person
If you want to be a good parent:
- you must balance love and discipline
- you must have the strength to make tough decisions
- you cannot let your child wear you down
- you need to stay calm during the heat of the moment (walk away if you cannot do this)
- you must convey what is right and wrong to your child in a reasonable way
If you want good children who are going to be good members of society, you must start raise them with consequences that fit the action, whether it is positive or negative. If you want a child that is dependent on you and who no one else can stand being around, always let the child have their way and endulge them all their life.
Raising children is not about being "politically correct." You are investing in the future. Use your time well because it goes by quickly. Make an impact in your child's life. They will love you for it.
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© 2012 Susan Holland
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