Being Estranged From A Parent - Estrangement From My Mom

One of the saddest things in my life right now is my estrangement with my mom. I don't hate her, no I don't!! In fact, I love her so very much; so much that she'd never ever know. It’s not an estrangement from my side and not quite from her side either, yet circumstances have made our relationship sour and grow distant. Dealing with this situation has been tough. She lives with me and we cross paths every day, yet we can't communicate with each other, without the risk of getting into an argument. When we do communicate, things seem to go awfully wrong, more so because she misunderstands my intentions. We don't think alike. We are just as alike as two people can be and there's nothing unique in that. There are always differences, aren't there? The saddest thing is that she can't appreciate that fact. She'd like me to do things just the way she would. Also, she just can't help making sarcastic remarks, the type that gets me so upset. She doesn't respect my choices, including the person I chose to spend my life with. So, we have arguments all the time and it really breaks my heart.

When you know you are right and she's wrong, how do you deal with that? Do you, for instance, stop communicating to avoid any unpleasant arguments/conflicts? Not ideal, is it? I have actually taken this approach, i.e. stop unnecessary communication. It works and we don't argue as often as we used to, but it doesn't feel good. There is an emptiness in my heart. I feel guilty. She's not getting any younger and she'd be feeling lonely, without her daughter to talk to. Yet, if I start talking, as is her nature, she'd start pushing her point of view on me, and as hard as I try to ignore, sometimes I can't handle it. I've tried various things to deal with this situation, none has worked.

I wish...................If only wishes were not wishes, but reality!!

 

I wish she could understand me better. I just wish so much she knew how much she really means to me and how much I really do care about her. Somehow, we’ve come to a situation now where if I do demonstrate my love for her – it comes across to her as being disingenuous or made-up. Even if she doesn’t quite think like that, I can’t quite seem to break through to her and know how she really feels. We just don’t seem to connect anymore.

I have immense appreciation for all that she’s done for me. I’d be eternally grateful to her for playing an important part in shaping my character and making me the person that I am today. She was a good mom to me and I have no complaints. I’ve tried to be a good daughter and believe I have been. Just wish somehow we could connect to each other as we used to in the past. Wish I could be a part of her life and she mine.

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22 comments

Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 6 years ago from India

Yours is not a unique dilemma Shil. So many of us live with people, invariably close relatives, who don't fully understand us. And while it's natural to feel guilt, sometimes the best way to deal with it is to avoid unnecessary confrontation. I'm sure in her heart your mom knows that you care. Perhaps she finds it as difficult to communicate as you do. Hang in there. :)


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 6 years ago Author

Thanks FP for dropping by and for your comforting words, really do appreciate them. I'd like to believe she knows I care, but I do wonder at times. The most difficult thing though is not being able to share and demonstrate my love for her. Thanks again FP :)


DiamondRN profile image

DiamondRN 6 years ago from Charlotte, NC USA

It takes two to fight. Love yourself first. Then love your mother as yourself. This may not make sense at first. Read this passage and then think about it. I mean really think about it. Matthew 22:36-40


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 6 years ago Author

Thank you DRN for your suggestion. I agree, it takes two to fight and that's why I have been avoiding to play my part in recent times. The problem is that she has a very fixed view of most things. Her inflexibility and inability to view a different point of view is what is the source of most of the problems.

I haven't had this issue with my dad for example, so its just something that I've been trying to work on and hopefully will manage to resolve!!!


fishskinfreak2008 profile image

fishskinfreak2008 6 years ago from Fremont CA

It's tough. We're in the same boat as my mom and I fight repeatedly about the TV. It's like she has a serious TV addiction which I have just given up trying to talk her out of now because every time I do, she just explodes or carries on. It's puzzling and sad


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 6 years ago Author

Thanks FSF for sharing your story. Yes, it can be tough and puzzling too at times, but I guess its just coz we think differently and have different priorities.

As long as our parents understand that and let us be, don't think a lot of conflicts would happen. My mom at least is very fixed in her views, so I can't talk her out of anything. She just thinks she's right all the time!!


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 6 years ago from New York

Hi Shil: I wonder why I didn't notice your hubs earlier. I was searching for some information on Google and came across your hubs and got hooked on for an hour. Loved your style of writing. Speaking of estranged relationships, I strongly believe in karmic bonds and karmic debts. We get to share our lives with those whom we have either loved or hated the most in our previous lives. That's perhaps why we feel great love or hate for someone we interact with. With some people you just don't bond no matter how hard you try. It happened with me as well and I found my answers very late in life. Its still alright...better late than never. :)


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 6 years ago Author

Hi Anjali,

I am not surprised you didn't notice my hubs before. I don't write that often and don't put in an effort to get noticed. I've noticed you, though, and have liked your work. Don't think I am your follower as of now, something that I'd rectify this instant.

Coming to estranged relationships, the karmic theory is interesting. Thing is my relationship with my mom has gone through ups and downs through the years. There have been times when she's been very close to me and then times when we've gotten as distant as one can get. I am glad you found your answers and, yes, its better late than never.

The one constant fear I have is that I'd lose her before things get sorted between us. That would be terrible if that were to happen. Her birthday is coming up, btw, so hopefully that'd give me an opportunity to set things straight. I'd like to give our relationship an honest try, at least from my side. So, let's see how it goes!! Thanks Anjali for your comments and for sharing your perspective!!!


kaltopsyd profile image

kaltopsyd 6 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

Shil1978, I'm sorry about your relationship with your mother. I'm very close to my mother, as she is all I have, so I can't relate to your exact situation but I've never met my father. I only spoke to him (over the phone) one in my life.

This is a touching Hub. Thanks for sharing.


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 6 years ago Author

Thank you Kalto for your kind words, appreciate it!! I guess we all have something missing in our lives (for me it is the relationship with my mom).

As they say, life is not perfect. You can't get everything the way you want it to be. That's life!!

Thanks again for stopping by this hub Kalto. I appreciate you sharing your story!!


myownworld profile image

myownworld 6 years ago from uk

You know I perfectly understand how you feel... and your words convey how torn you must be - between your need to be an independent person with your own choices to make and yet not to displease your mother and have her love and appreciation too. It's just a very difficult situation, but much more common than we know.... and stems from the fact that many of us are still children at heart and long for our parents to be there, to love us no matter what.

Yet, between that need to be free as adults... and the guilt at failing to live up to the expectations of our parents, we suffer a lot , especially emotionally, and I hope you find the strength in yourself to do what works best for you. And by which I hope that you'll stay strong and stand by what you believe in... and yet remain kind to your mother. Words meant to hurt are such a waste of time really... and a calm silence is sometimes the best way of replying to them. It shows you don't agree, but choose not to hurt back in return.

Take care... sending much love x


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 6 years ago Author

Thanks for your understanding MOW - appreciate it!! I just wish she understands me better and stops misunderstanding me as much as she seems to!!

Thanks for sharing your perspective on this MOW. It is wonderful to hear from another person on a subject such as this. Thanks for your love :) Love to you as well! TC you too MOW!!


Jarlene profile image

Jarlene 6 years ago

My mother is the same way. I feel as if she is so selfish. I have 11 brothers and sisters and well they don't have a relationship with her either. I guess at the end of the day all we can do is accept a person for who they are and love them regardless. I'm 22 years old now and she treats me as if she has raised me my whole life. I know that you nor I are the only ones dealing with this stepping stone in life. And believe you me I feel your pain. My mother has let drugs control her fate but I won't. I think our experiences either make or break us. I have a good feeling that everything will work out right. God bless.


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 6 years ago Author

Thank you Jarlene for stopping by and commenting. I don't feel my mom is selfish, neither does she do drugs. She is a good person - it's just that she and I don't agree on things or seem to get along.

She misunderstands my intentions. Perhaps, our personalities are such that we can't get along, but then it wasn't always like this.

We got along very well up until 3-4 years ago, so I guess it is my marriage that changed things. Perhaps, it created a distance that wasn't there before, which resulted in the misunderstandings becoming greater and more irreconcilable!!

Thanks for sharing your story - am sure things would work out well!!

Thanks Jarlene for your kind words of support - appreciate them very much :)


al_masculine 6 years ago

I am so sorry for your experience. I am happy you exhibited the strength of forgiveness and you are living fine.

Its a nice hub, keep it up.


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 6 years ago Author

Thank you, AM, for stopping by and commenting. Thank you also for your kind words and appreciation of this hub :)


EstrangedDaughter 5 years ago

I landed on your page after searching for articles about family estrangement. This is a topic close to my heart these days as I "officially" cut off contact with my mom a few months ago. In your case it seems really difficult to be living together and not getting along. Sometimes creating some distance like living separately can improve the relationship. That was the case with my mom and I for awhile. But still, it wasn't enough. Anyway, I hope you find peace, whatever you decide to do.


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 5 years ago Author

ED, thanks for your point of view on this subject. My relationship with my mom at this point is much better than it was a few months ago. I view my relationship with my mom as a "work in progress."

I wish well for you - unfortunate that things didn't work out between you and your mom. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!!


ash 5 years ago

your post almost made me weep, as I have exactly the same relationship with my own mother, and what makes it even more difficult is that the rest of my siblings get along really well with her. This makes me think sometimes that the situation must be my fault.

You seem eager to mend it, and I like that, and disagree with the commenters who are telling you to move on or maintain your distance. The problem is I don't know how you would mend it. It often takes a shattering experience like death or sickness to mend these sorts of relationships but I hope that will not be the case with you and me. The only thing I can say is be patient and forgiving and put yourself in her shoes as much as possible. Sometimes I think maybe once I have children things will be better. I don't know if that's how it works though ... do you have any?


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 5 years ago Author

Ash, sorry to hear that you are in the same situation as I am. In my case too, my brother gets along very well with my mom, so we do seem to share a similar problem. I wouldn't say it is your fault, I certainly don't think the fault is mine alone. Ash, certain things happen in our lives over which we have no control over, or at least seem to have no control over. The relationship between two people is often very delicate and it doesn't take much to strain the relationship, and once strained, it is all the more difficult to mend it and make it like it once was.

I haven't given up on my relationship with my mom - no reason to!! I know things would be fine sooner rather than later. You make an interesting point when you mention about a shattering experience probably being the factor that could bring us closer - well, that could be true. I recently had an aunt pass away, who was about the age of my mom.

Post this death of someone who was close to both of us, we seemed to get closer. However, the apparent closeness didn't last long. It is like we both want to be close and hug and love, but just can't. There is a space between us that has opened up - mending a relationship is far more difficult that maintaining one!! I certainly hope that before her time is up I can mend the relationship, so we can be as close as we once were!!

Having a child hasn't made any significant impact in my case. I do have a daughter, who is close to 4 now, but my relationship with my mom hasn't been impacted by the presence of my daughter, though at times - my daughter being around, does give both of us an opportunity to talk and interact sometimes, which might not have happened in her absence!!


courtney. 5 years ago

I'm going through the exact same thing,Cept I've done things that have resulted in no communication with my mom,and i regret it,I live with my down in FL now my choice,and she lives in MI with my two sisters,i cry almost every night wondering what i could have done better,Conclusion:I could have done everything better,This is my fault,but I know that she loves me still somehwere in her heart and so does your mom,Just be up front about how you truly feel,the pieces will fall together eventually.


Shil1978 profile image

Shil1978 5 years ago Author

Courtney, I am sure your mom loves you just as she always did. I know my mom loves me very much, but it is just that she can't express it as she used to before. The same, I am sure, is the case with your mom. Just stay in touch with her, call her up, visit her as much as you can. Do everything you can do to keep connected! Am sure things would work out just fine - I haven't lost hope. I keep doing what I can from my side!!!

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