Being the Other Woman and Why She's Not a Home Wrecker

I have been the wife, fiancé, girlfriend and “the other woman”. I have been cheated on, emotionally, verbally, mentally and yes physically abused. I have gone through hell and back. Each relationship and situation was an experience that was necessary for me to evolve into the person I am today. Am I proud of everything I have done or said? Absolutely not! Who is? We all have selfish tendencies whether we want to admit it or not. But each situation, whether good or bad, had a purpose.

Now, I have read several articles and comments referencing cheating spouses and their lovers. I have seen firsthand the toll it takes on the committed relationship and children involved. And the hatefulness and evil views on “the other woman” are sickening. Vulgarities like whore, slut, home-wrecker are tossed about. No one knows the situation like the people involved in the triangle and each of those people only know a portion of the truth.

I would like to discuss why the anger towards “the other woman” is displaced. The home was wrecked long before “the other woman” came along and in this day and age just because a woman is sexually liberated does not mean she is a slut or whore. Most of “the other women” out there were not on the hunt for a married man. They are not into destroying couples relationships and tearing a family apart. They are looking for love. In my instance, all but one of the affairs with married men that I have had was started when I was unaware of his relationship status. And as soon as I got the unexpected text or phone call from the wife, fiancé or girlfriend, I immediately put the brakes on and cut contact.

Everyone has a part in the affair but the order of accountability under society’s terms is not accurate. Let’s put the blame on the people in the correct order; not crucify one. The main blame goes to the one who is being unfaithful. The next in line is the wife, under most circumstances and thirdly, “the other woman”. Why you ask? Well my friend let me break down my philosophy.

The Cheater-This person is the one who should get the brunt of it in the blame game. This person is the one who is being unfaithful; the one who took purposeful steps and made purposeful arrangements to make the affair happen for whatever reason. It could be because he’s in a bad marriage but not willing to get out of it first, he could be on his way out but hasn’t tied up all the loose ends or he’s just a big douchebag that isn’t the loving devoted person he should be to his wife and children. Some people should never get married. If he’s in a bad marriage then he’s probably seeking validation, appreciation, love and affection; since he’s not getting it at home he finds it in the arms of “the other woman”.

The Wife-I know this is going to be a hard pill to swallow for most but let’s be honest here. The wife does have a certain accountability in the affair and it’s higher up on the list then “the other woman”. The wife has a responsibility to her husband to make him feel like a man, to let him be the leader he was born to be, to make him feel appreciated and loved; not to use him as a paycheck or general labor bitch.

As an example:

In my career of choice, I am gone several days at a time. I am the only woman. I am surrounded by committed and single men. And yes, I can control myself. The disturbing thing I noticed about the distance and length of time we are away, not one and I repeat NOT ONE wife, girlfriend or fiancé has made an attempt to see their man while we are out; to bring him a home cooked meal, to let him see the kids or get some long overdue loving. We are usually only an hr and a half away. Unless you do the job that we do you would not understand the sacrifices we make for work and family. But it’s a significant other’s responsibility to try to understand their partner’s sacrifices and help make things as easy as possible for them. These men are taken for granted and feel like they have no control over anything in their relationship. They feel like they don’t matter. When they get home they are bombarded with honey do lists and it’s conveniently forgotten they just worked 10-14 hr days for 21 days straight and that they put a roof over your head and food on your table while you sleep in your bed every night, party with the girls and do as you please. This is a set up for an affair.

“The Other Woman”-Being in this position presents its own problems and there are major battles from within. But “the other woman” does bear part of them blame. No, she should not be involved with a married or taken man. We all make mistakes and decisions that are poor. That is how we learn and evolve. “The other woman” is capitalizing on a failing relationship and acting on her need for love and affection or whatever else she needs from a relationship.

In Closing

While I have been in “the other woman” position, it’s definitely not the ideal. You are usually approached at a vulnerable time in your life and not aware of your lovers established relationship or maybe you are. You’re kept in a box until it’s convenient to be taken out by your lover and they always go home to their family. It’s heartbreaking if feelings have developed and a hit to your self esteem over and over again. I’m not delusional enough to think that he’s going to leave his wife and actually I don’t want him to leave her for me. I want him to be happy and make decisions based on what he needs out of life. That’s what love is; whether you end up in the equation or not. The happiness of the one you love should surpass your own. Sacrifice. Married couples seem to forget that the effort to love doesn’t end at the wedding and reception but needs to continue throughout the entire time that the relationship exists. And if you want to affair proof your relationship you have a responsibility to your spouse to take the steps and put the work in to make it happen.

I know my opinion of “the other woman” is not a popular opinion but frankly, I really don’t care. It is not my business what other people think of me. If they have issues with my beliefs or my actions then that’s their burden to bear, not mine. The people that play important roles in my life are the ones who matter and those people love me unconditionally. Those people know my heart. They know the me that not everyone gets to see.

Cast the first stone.

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