Child Leashes, my view
This is how I imagine the defense of using leashes on children would go...something like this.....
Hey all, my name is Kriz-Tal. Not Chrystal, Kriz-tal, well it use to be Chrystal, but I changed it. l love those names that have a line in the middle, what's it called? It don't matter. A line in the middle means you are cool. So cool. I have seven tats too; that makes me real cool. One tattoo is for my dead daddy, three for some looz-ah boyfriends, and one for my baby’s daddy. I don’t remeba his name, but boy was that a great three-day weekend. We wuz up all night rocking the trailer, if you get my drift, and par-tee-ing! Whew! Then, suddenly he high tailed it otta here, looz-ah! Said he was married, or some shit like that. And left me preggers. That's alright. My baby’s name is Purr-fect. Get it. Purr, like a cat, cuz I love, love, love cats. Me and her got at least thirty of them living with us in our trailer, and I decorated the whole thing with cats. Even got cats on my kitchen curtains. Why, I got a cross covered with real cat fur. One of my looz-ah boyfriends made it for me after he stepped on one of my cats and it died. Ain't that sweet! Anyways, I ain't no Jesus freak or nothing, but I do believe. I believe Jesus sent Purr-fect to me just like he sends me all them cats. Purr-fect is four years old now. I got a tattoo that tells me when her birthday is so I can remember all right, right there on my ankle. I got a big, purple one that says "Cat Luv-er"on the other one, ain’t that purr-fect? Get it? When Purr-fect gets older, like maybe for her 10th birthday, I am going to bring her for her first tat, and it's gonna say "Momma Luv" in big letters, right across her back, that way everyone will know she is mine. For-eva! I have a friend that says he will do it for free, as a gift. Aint that great! Anyways, hell ya I use those child leashes. They are a mother’s best friend and let me tell you why.
First of all, have you ever seen the news? I watch it sometimes when there is a commercial on Jersey Shores. Did you know, there are weirdos and child molesters everywhere! I ain’t letting some pervy wervy get a hold of my baby. No way. Plus, if that ever happened you just know those social workers and police would be all over me, blaming me for that guy's crap. They would come down here to my cat lover trailer and try to tell me how to live my life. No way. I aint’ letting them tell me that shat. Ain't no one tellin' me what to do or how to raise my child!
Second of all, how do you expect me to go to the carnival, and enjoy my fried Or-e-os, my cigs and Bud Light? I drink Bud Light on account of I am sorta a health freak. I do my A-robic video a couple a times a month, and I cut back on my calories by drinking light beer, plus I don’t want to end up no alcoholic. Bud-Light pratically guarantees you won't be no alkie. Did you know, you can drink a ton of that shit and still drive! If Purr-fect is running around, how am I suppose to get my drinks and smokes in? I need some time for myself. And what if I want to meet up with some cute carny workers for, stuff, ya know? I need to keep an eye on her, I am responsible, afta all, Jesus sent her to me. So I need the leash. She don’t mind, I just tie her to a tree near us, and she just squats right down and plays with the empties and the cigarette ash on the ground. It is amazing what she can make out of that crap. She sure is smart, just like her momma!
Third, it sure is a great way to control her, ya know what I mean? Show her who is in charge. She tries to point to a toy or a soda or something, I can give her a little yank on the leash, and she can’t get over there no more. I don’t have money for that crap. Cigarettes are expensive! And when I say it is time to leave, I mean it, I will drag her ass out of there so fast. I don’t put up with no cryin’, like I see those other parents doin.
And one last reason, it is sort of cute, ain’t it? I mean don't she look just like a little puppy on the end of that thing? All panting in the sun, and running back and forth. I love it.
So, there it is, my reasons for why child leashes are a mother’s best friend… well aside from Bud Light and cats. You should go to Wal-Mart right now and get yourself one. You will love it and so will your kid. Get them one for their birthday, that's what I did. The one that looks like a stuffed bear, but it's not really, is the best. Then you are giving them two gifts at once. It even has a little pocket on the back, where you can stuff a beer can or two. Now that's cool.
Check on me later! Kriz-Tal.
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