Do You Have a Narcissistic Mother?

I came to the realization not to long ago that I have a narcissistic mother. Please be aware that I would never have come to this conclusion on my own. A friend was describing her mother and struck by the similarities between her mother and my own, I felt compelled to say so. My friend turned to me and said: "Welcome to my world; you, too, have a narcissistic mother."

What exactly is a narcissistic mother? At the risk of sounding simple minded, one suffering from narcissistic disorder. The disorder is perfectly named, bringing to mind Narcissus, the figure from Greek mythology who fell in love with his own reflection. Anyone stricken with narcissistic disorder reflects everything (or so it seems) on to other people. This is most applicable when it comes to narcissistic parents. A narcissistic mother may only care about herself, but if their child achieves (despite great odds) any measure of success in any area, she will automatically claim credit. For example, I was recently published under a pen name and made the colossal blunder of mentioning this to my mother. Rather than congratulate me, the first words out of her mouth were: "Of course you were published. You get that from me." Get what? As far as I know, the last time my mother wrote anything was an essay at school. But to listen to her, if I had another mother, I would never have been published.

Sound extreme? Probably not if you have a narcissistic mother. And narcissistic mothers have other, equally endearing qualities. One overriding characteristic is that they are highly critical, never of themselves, just everyone around them. They, of course, are blameless. My late father expressed irritation in an unusually candid moment that my mother would never accept responsibility for anything. Nothing ever was, or ever will be, her fault.

This criticism extends to everything, including celebrities. According to my mother, not one is talented and very few good-looking. She hates Angelina Jolie. As you might have guessed, she attempted to become a professional actress, but did not make it. Instead of accepting that she may have lacked the talent and will to succeed in this highly competitive field, it is preferable to criticize others. My own attempts to act met with little maternal support. When nothing came of it (I was probably no more talented nor driven than she), all I heard was "I told you so."

Does any of this sound remotely familiar? Did you grow up with a permanently ill-tempered mother who attempted to negate nearly everything you did? For example, getting straight A's was never good enough. Did you attempt to become as perfect as possible to please her, only to be criticized, as always, in return? Did she start to make negative comments about your body as you entered adolescence? Your weight? The way you dressed or wore your hair? Does she continue to do so today? Then I'm afraid that you, too, have a narcissistic mother.

Please realize that I am by no means a mental health expert. But I have spent a lot of time lately researching the topic and wanted to share what I learned with an audience in the hopes of helping others. As I understand it, there are two basic types of narcissistic mothers: the ones who ignore their children, wrapped up in themselves, or the ones who attempt to take over completely. Since I have no experience of the former, I'll restrict myself to the latter. These mothers spend most of their time, as I've indicated, criticizing you. And it's seldom, if ever, constructive criticism. A reason these mothers are so critical is, because in their view, you not only reflect upon them (ever hear that growing up?), but are actually an extension of them, which they seldom if ever admit. But they believe it all the same, which is why such an emphasis is placed on your appearance. There is an ever-present demand that you to look your best always; after all, what would the neighbors think? God help you if you ever leave the house looking anything other than perfect. I was once told that an acquaintance of the family (a friend would have known better) thought my parents had two daughters very close in age. According to my mother - visibly irritated while relating the incident - the reason was because I had dared to leave the house with no makeup. "Naturally, she didn't recognize you without it."

But enough about me. Having a narcissistic mother is a common problem, so I've provided a checklist for you to refer to below:

  • Lack of empathy (this is a key characteristic of all narcissists)
  • Charming to others (you usually don't matter at all)
  • Self-obsessed (again, a key characteristic)
  • Any emotional episode you mention will almost always produce a comparison to themselves
  • Further to the above, constantly brings herself into the conversation
  • Refuses to discuss anything that does not relate directly to her or at the very least interests her
  • Automatically expects you to share her interests and tastes
  • Thinks nothing of ridiculing your body (there's usually a part she really dislikes, and makes that perfectly clear), weight (you're usually too fat), height (always too tall or too short), complexion, makeup, hair, clothes, friends, and perhaps above all, your significant other
  • Is embarrassingly flirtatious, so much so, you dread introducing her to a new boyfriend
  • May think she is far more intelligent, talented, or beautiful than she is, to the point of being delusional
  • It's her way or the highway
  • Everyone walks on eggshells around her, afraid of an outburst or worse, a tantrum
  • When you lived at home would open your mail, try to read emails and text messages, would pick up the telephone extension, read your journal
  • Married to or living with a man who is an enabler or equally as narcissistic
  • Expects you to drop everything to see her or speak to her on the telephone
  • May call several times as week or even several times a day, without having very much to say

While your mother may not exhibit all of these characteristics (and this is by no means a comprehensive list), she is bound to exhibit several. Getting down to brass tacks, if you suspect that your mother is narcissistic, what should you do?

First of all, please be aware that she will almost certainly always be this way. Generally speaking narcissistic mothers do not change. These women truly believe they are perfect and equally, believe that everyone is in complete agreement. Even if she were to admit she had a problem (which is unlikely), medication will probably be of no use. Again, what should you do?

I've found that the key to dealing with a narcissistic mother is limiting the amount of time you spend with her. If you still live at home, do everything you can to leave. You must. Leaving may involve moving to another city, or even another country (I moved from London to New York). Secondly, limit telephone calls. If she is calling non-stop, substitute 'Do Not Pickup' for 'Mom' into your caller ID, both cellphone and home phone. Do not feel guilty about this. The narcissistic mother relies on guilt (as well as her favorite tactic, criticism) to manipulate you. And never allow her to call you at work! This could easily affect your credibility with your colleagues. If necessary, say it is against company policy. Whether it is or not does not matter in this case.

Some adult children of narcissistic mother opt for no contact at all. Most, however, do stay in touch. Keep both telephone calls and visits to a minimum. Do you really want to hear, yet again, how popular she was before she married? Odd, she didn't keep any of her friends. Or listen to her talk behind your sister's back for the umpteenth time? Narcissistic mothers view child rearing as an opportunity to experiment with the military concept of 'divide and conquer'. Usually, there is a favored child, one who can do no wrong, as well as a victim, the proverbial scapegoat for all of her frustrations.  This child may be abused physically as well as emotionally. Any money spent on them is spent with obvious reluctance.  This child will be told to grateful for everything.  And Heaven help you if you complain. The narcissistic mother will usually become livid, but perhaps just seethe while telling you how ungrateful you are.

The child of a narcissistic mother may find it unbearably painful to dredge up such memories and it is an excellent idea to seek professional help.  That may present a challenge financially, but really, there is no better investment. Ask your doctor for a referral. And make certain that the therapist specializes in this problem.

Once you confront the problem, whether in therapy or not, you may go through a period of mourning, that your mother was not the sort of mother who had cookies and milk waiting when you got home from school, then helped you with your homework before staying up late to sew your costume for the upcoming ice skating competition. My grandmother was exactly this sort of mother (and grandmother) which may have been the problem. My mother was so spoiled as the youngest child, that she has never learned that the world does not, in fact, revolve around her. But more narcissistic parents were the child of at least one narcissistic parent.

One very effective thing to do is silently forgive your mother for not being the mother you needed.  You will have to do this more than once, but as you forgive, you release tension. And in dealing with her, I would avoid mentioning that you believe she may be narcissistic. Not only will she almost certainly deny it, but will most probably fly into a rage. You don't need that. Besides, it accomplishes absolutely nothing. Just keep contact as brief and infrequent as possible as well as establish boundaries. One technique I use on is to say, almost as if speaking to a sulky child: "Let's have a conversation in which neither of us criticizes anyone or anything." Since having a conversation under those circumstances is impossible for her, she'll get off the phone rather quickly. By the way, if your mother insists that she is not critical, don't waste time arguing. Remember, she knows everything. Just change the subject.  And if she wants an argument, calmly tell her you'll hang up. Your heart may be pounding as you do this, but you'll feel so much better afterward!

Recovering from a lifetime with a narcissistic mother may be challenge, but ultimately, will be rewarding. It's essential that you learn why your childhood was so unhappy, and more to the point, you're not to blame.  And by doing this, you not only improve your life, but lessen the chances of becoming a narcissistic parent yourself.






Comments 510 comments

Helen 6 years ago

Thank you - I wanted to cry when I read your article, but I find it difficult to cry. I am 49 and have just realised that my mother is a narcissist. I have always thought there was something wrong with her as she wasn't like other mothers. I left home at 18 and have very little contact with her now even though she only lives 7 miles away. I want to detach myself from her completely but haven't got the courage to do this yet. My father is a very weak man and has always given in to her. They are both in their 70's and even though I know now how she treated me and still does treat me is so wrong I feel guilty about wanting to cut them out of my life.


laitaine profile image

laitaine 6 years ago from San Diego, CA

Thank you for your article. It's hard to read it without crying, because I too have a narcissitic mother, and reading about it brings up painful memories. The thing that must always be remembered when dealing with mothers like ours, is that they are the ones with the issues. They are trying to take their issues and put it on us, which isn't fair, but that is how they know to function. I have only recently found the courage to separate myself from my mother. It is, to date, one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. The benefits for me though will more than make up for the pain. The trick with making the seperation is to surround yourself with people that love you, and really truly remembering that it's not about you. The hardest thing in life can often be to love yourself first. That doesn't mean continuing the selfish behavior we learned from our mothers, but loving yourself enough to shine.


survivor from manila 6 years ago

I'm so glad to have read this article. I am happy now because it's clear to me that there is really some psychological basis to my mother's cruel behavior. I hope that I will be able to heal my heart from all the pains that she had caused me and ultimate forgive and let go. I am still very confused right now on what action I have to take, whether a low contact or no contact. This is a long painful journey but I know that this will soon end.


Veronica 6 years ago

Nice article. I too have a NM. I realize this now and deal with it. As suggested in the article I stay away as much as possible. I never initiate phone calls, and minimize talk time. One thing though I became very aggressive in my 20's I believe this was when I felt old enough to stand up to her. I still stand up to her and never listen to what she says anymore however she still tries to control. Except now it is to get me too feel sorry for her because she has high blood pressure. Sad thing is I don't care. I have disliked my mom since I was young and continue to do so. I never want to meet this soul again. Like I say to my sister when she dies I hope her funral doesn't take up a whole day because I have stuff to do.


survivor from manila  6 years ago

With lots of research and coupled with my discovery from my parents annulment paper wherein the psychologist described my mom as self centered and lacks empathy and as such is narcissistic, I would say that I'm still struggling. Probably still hopeful that she will change. For the past days that we have communication, all i feel is pain. I opened up to her about my feelings and asked her if she loves me as a daughter, and told her that if the answer is no then I will just settle far away. She began to text me that she cares for me and text me that she loves me. I felt really happy because it's been a long time since I remember that my mom told me that she loves me even though I tell that to her often. But after three days, shes back to her old self. There was an incident where I felt how SELFISH SHE WAS, so I felt even more pain. I told her that I feel that she was not sincere to me and she never responded back. Im still hurting but I know I will heal soon. I am 35 now and just discovered last week that I have a narcissistic mother. There's a bit of relief in knowing that, since all my questions and doubts about how my mother has treated me all these years is beginning to make sense to me....that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT THAT MY MOTHER DID NOT LOVE ME...


survivor from manila  6 years ago

September 2, 2010

I feel so lonely and angry with my mom. Just this evening, I realized how EVIL my mom is. Im tired of hating her or buying her love. I am determined to be happy and let go. I should accept that she can not give me the mother's love that I long for. I should not let her ruin my happiness because I have my own family now. I must focus and be happy with all the blessings that God has given me. A very supportive partner, a gifted child, a very successful business and a loving brother. Its painful but I have to accept that I can no longer change the way she has treated me all these years. What I can do now is build a loving family. I HAVE MY OWN LIFE/ FAMILY WHICH I WILL LOVE and BUILD and CHERISH.

I will be HAPPY


Nikki 6 years ago

I too have a NM, what a horrible, confusing life i had. I have a sister who my mother dotes on, always did. I was her scape goat. Now i know that Iam loveable, not confused any more, but it took a lot of suffering and tears, but i made it. i am now 47, believe me NM's never change. Be strong and know that she does not own you, she was only an incubator. Best of luck. x Live your life to please yourself.


SURVIVOR FROM MANILA  6 years ago

Hi. It's been 13 days since I've last posted here and since the last time I saw my mother. Well, I've been really ok for the past days of not having any communication with her. I am focused with my family and work. today, I got an invitation from my brother. He said that my mom was inviting my family over for dinner and over night at her house. My brother said that my mom misses me and will prepare for our visit. I am not sure if I believe my brother since I never got any text message or call from my mom that she wants us to visit. And then so I asked my brother if HE IS INDEED SURE AND NOT LYING AS I DO NOT WANT TO BE OUT OF PLACE when we visit and my brother confirmed and I believe him. I will visit my mother although 13 days ago when I last saw her was really a strained moment. But I miss her, my plan is to be there once in a while when I can sense that she will be a good mother and not to contact when I feel otherwise. Wish me luck.


Shauna 6 years ago

Veronica 2 weeks ago

Nice article. I too have a NM. I realize this now and deal with it. As suggested in the article I stay away as much as possible. I never initiate phone calls, and minimize talk time. One thing though I became very aggressive in my 20's I believe this was when I felt old enough to stand up to her. I still stand up to her and never listen to what she says anymore however she still tries to control. Except now it is to get me too feel sorry for her because she has high blood pressure. Sad thing is I don't care. I have disliked my mom since I was young and continue to do so. I never want to meet this soul again. Like I say to my sister when she dies I hope her funral doesn't take up a whole day because I have stuff to do.

That is the excatly right of this woman has the same feeling as i do towarding to my Narssiastic mother! Im in 25's and i tend to do arrggestively toward to my mother by not letting her try to take control everything, she sees me like im a stupid person but im very intelligently. What most saddest part that i have no merecy or love to my mother. I hoped she would one day die with her mother. Her mother has the same Narssatstic personality. It really evil inside a mother's mind.


jamie f 6 years ago

Many of you are really lucky you appear to have recognized this at a fairly early age. I also had an Nmother, a pretty extreme case I'm finding out, and it took till I was 60 to realize it. I'm now 64. She was a complete control freak when I was a child, toilet-training me at 6 mos, singing/dance/drama/auditions at 2, forcing food in and out of me, ridiculous bedtimes, you name it. My younger sister got none of this and could do no wrong. I was the scapegoat, but she always told me secretly (between her criticism) that she loved me best... but I was too independent, rebellious, ungrateful. Thru out my adult years she'd rage & have tantrums if I failed to call, made a decision on my own, many times totally made up crazy spaghetti drama. I carried around tremendous amounts of fear, anxiety, guilt and shame w/o realizing it. She'd scream at me as if I was about 7-8. Finally one day I just told her that, and it stopped her cold - just for that moment. But actually most of the time, she thrived on creating total havoc within the family, like a pivotal whirlwind, lying to one about the other, denying it all, pivoting other family members against... mostly me, actually; trying to wedge her way between me and my daughters, even me and my friends. One day my older daughter shouted back at her, "How dare you call me up and put down my mother to me!" Thank heavens for my daughters.

By my 50s, I was starting to feel anxiety throughout the day, I'd panic if I lost track of when I'd called her last even tho I dreaded her company, and after making a normal adult business decision on my own, I'd feel sudden anxiety. That's pretty amazing to think about... and once I realized that I was experiencing some very serious symptoms, I finally decided I had to move outside her driving range and limit contact with her. But I still didn't "really" get it.

When I moved, she went fairly nuts and her rages & demands got worse, and she began attacking my daughters as well.

Then something really CRITICAL happened. All this time, in spite of all my agony dealing with my mother... if someone asked me about my childhood, I'd think only of my father (great, supportive, no drama, but passive) and describe my childhood as ideal. The description only involved my father. Suddenly one day - I realized that I'd been blocking out my mother... repressed memories in order to maintain this warm, cozy image of childhood. So I'd had this perfect childhood, but "I" was bad, rebellious, ungrateful. Suddenly - I looked at my life, my college degrees, my need to achieve, etc, and asked myself, "Where's all the rebellion?? I got good grades, I went to college, I created a great career... yet she still calls me rebellious and ungrateful, and I believe it???" I suddenly remembered close family friends who were abusive, my early friends were victims of abuse... why had I been drawn to them? In that moment - my reality literally flip-flopped, felt turned inside-out... and I suddenly realized that if I included my mother in my childhood memories, I could clearly see I'd been the scapegoat - a victim of emotional abuse - I'd just never been hit. I told my close friend (since high school) my realization, and she said, "Your mother is a narcissistic, like mine" and explained the syndrome.

at first, it felt like a burden lifted - suddenly realizing I'd spent my life trying to find "just the right approach" that she'd "finally" understand... and to finally realize why nothing I'd done had ever worked, when all the while, it was impossible (she was really extreme, down to full dulusions of grandeur). Amazing to think about now in retrospect.

Then I started feeling a repulsion and a numbness toward her. Upon the onset of her next rage (over the fact that I'd chosen a different insurance company than she had), I cut all communication with her, promptly panicked, & went into therapy, then joined CoDA, also started mindfulness meditation practice - the 3 together very helpful. During therapy, I went thru a period - just as someone else described here - of deep, deep mourning of loss... mostly of this hope I'd kept my entire life. Being my age, I was very determined to get past this, and on with my life - my therapist was very supportive, but very confrontational, pushing me to recognize MY part in the whole drama cycle with her... and to take responsibility for MYSELF. It was basically a year of emotional trauma, confronting ME... rather than HER. I felt terribly duped, and she explained that my childhood force-feedings, enemas, etc were similar to sexual abuse and total powerlessness - I had no power - she had it. Publically she "loved" me and showed it. Privately... I was bad, shamed, and repressed this to survive.

So, therapy was really good. But after 1 yr I got tired of running to my therapist every week like a little kid complaining about my hurts. I felt like it was keeping me tied to it, so I stopped therapy and CoDA and stayed with mindfulness practice alone - which is very good stuff. I try to stay aware of what I'm feeling - in my body - what my motives are when I'm interacting with others, and try to stay in the moment - and just live. No more emotional spaghetti.

Back to 2006-7. Gradually I let my mother email or call under clearly stated rules & boundaries (learning boundaries has been my biggest challenge). If she misbehaved I set a 2 month timeout, which I did twice, so she finally got it that I meant business. No talking about others permitted. If she couldn't manage that, I'd end the conversation. Eventually we had 2-3 limited visits over about a year, and finally a family Thanksgiving dinner - with my "golden child" sister, & mother, our kids, and everyone behaved and it was actually pleasant.

That was 2008. A week later, my mother (87) invited me over for dinner with her "boyfriend" - who was 4 yrs older than me. Uhhh, yes. Then I realized she had an agenda. She wanted ME to meet HIS brother, who she thought I might like... I had to pinch myself - it couldn't be real... BUT, she continued, "since he thinks I'm only 73, how could YOU be 63??" After recovering from disbelief, I told her I was uncomfortable lying about my age, even said it nicely, and turned down her offer. It was our last conversation.

A week later she had a severe stroke. She died the following week. I am specifically including this next bit because it may help some of you with feelings of guilt.

When I got the news of the stroke, as I was rushing around to find my purse, keys, etc., I kept getting these surges of joy, excitement... specifically like the day I was a kid and was about to go to Disneyland for the first time, unable to believe the day had finally arrived. This same feeling came up, right out of my subconscious, 3 separate times as I was rushing searching for my purse and keys so I could leave for the hospital. Each time it stopped me cold... I sort of acknowledged it (something you learn in mindfulness practice), said a little, "wow I actually just felt excitement", and continued on trying to gather my stuff and leave. The moment my mother did die, I felt this deep deep sadness, like the last drops of hope running down a drain... a final giving up.

Even now, 2 yrs later, I mostly feel relief that she's gone, but the hatred I once felt so intensely is also gone.

Once my mother died, my sister and I tried to heal our wounds and build a relationship with each other. It's difficult for her - because she still supports everything my mother did and still believes we had the ideal childhood. It's difficult for me, because I have a need for my sister to recognize what actually happened, instead of still feeling the bad, ungrateful one. A few months ago I suddenly recognized I might be wanting to somehow magically gain my mother's approval thru my sister. Weird. So I'm just trying to stay aware of my motives, yes, even now. Putting the responsibility on myself and trying to stay aware of hurts, fears and anger is hard, but it's better than being deluded by guilt and shame as a victim.

I know this has been long and somewhat detailed, but I know much of what I went thru is typical. So I'm hop


jamie f 6 years ago

So I'm hoping bits of it will ring a bell with some of you who read it, and will hopefully help you to recognize and help yourself heal just a little bit faster.


Alum 6 years ago

At the age of 63 I finally discovered that there is a name to this behavior that my mother has demonstrated all her life to me and others. The best thing I ever did was move away from my hometown and parents when I married at the age of 20. Needless to say that marriage ended in divorce but not until after 26 years. Despite not living near her after that there were still many opportunities when I was hurt by her comments and actions. And I always hated being around her negative critical self. But at least I didn't have to deal with it on a day-to-day basis. And that is what helped me to improve my low misearable low self esteem I had always had. I found that I could achieve things on my own, do well as a mother, wife, student, and employee and receive recognition for those things, all of which helped me realize that I was better than I ever thought I could be.

What changed and made me now search to find out what was wrong with my mother was instigated by her now living near us after a move here just before my dad died 2 years ago. Since that time I have been primarily responsible for handling her finances, getting her to her doctor's appointments, helping her run errands, etc. She does NOT live with us (and never will!!!) but does live on her own nearby(at the age of 90). By carrying all these reponsibilities I have been enduring her company and phone calls on a regular basis and the hurt of realizing how self absorbed she is has become even more obvious and oh so hard to tolerate. It has made me realize even more so that all she is interested in is herself, her looks, what's going on in her life. She really isn't much interested in anything else and doesn't listen, doesn't ask, and quickly changes the subject whenever the conversation changed to something I bring up, even if related to a health problem I might be having. If I mention anything like that it the conversation she quickly turns it back to her own health. It really hurts when your own mother doesn't care about your health! Yet she wants me to listen to her continuous complaints on a daily basis about her health issues and wants me to run her to different doctors all the time (which I don't as I am a nurse and am able to problem solve and keep myself from running wild). In addition she complains about everything, is critical towards everyone, even people she sees on the street. Even complains about the number of french fries she gets on her lunch plate!!! If she gets a lot she complains about too many but if it were less she would complain about too few. I asked her one day after hearing this everytime we went out to lunch "what is the magic number of french fries they are supposed to give you because they don't know?"

Although I am strong and speak up and have set boundaries with her, it still hurts that I have a mother who doesn't care. My Dad was a wonderful man who was generous with everyone including us kids and THANK GOD! But rather than incur her wrath he let her behave this way. In his final years he was more patient with her and he would tell me that "You know your mom was a really good mother...she tried her best...she kept a really clean house, I knew I could always take anyone home at any time and know that it would be clean." Now when I leave her after spending a day with her and feel like crying because it's apparent she does not REALLY care about anything even that I have health issues or about anything else related to me, I will look up to heaven and say to my dad "Now do you see what I have to deal with...she is NOT a good mother." I feel bad that I do not even like her and do not like to spend time with her but because she moved here from her hometown so there would be someone to help her (ME)I feel obligated. So I do the best I can and set boundaries. Best of all, I have a wonderful husband who I can talk to and who gives me support and who is NOT afraid to speak to her if necessary.


Nikki 6 years ago

Hi every one,hope you're coping ok.

On fathers Day, my sons who are now adults and I, went to visit my good old Dad and give him a present. Guess what, the NM reared her ugly head and tried to get all the attention away from Dad. She wanted something fixed by my boys, she cried, she made fun of my Dad,tried to make my sons' girl friend read the Bible, she complained about her sicknesses, joked about other people, said i was getting fat and after that tire some hour and a half, we had to go. My Dad did not say one word, only thankyou for the gift. We all know she needs attention, so we play the game. Little does she realize that we think she is one sick, self absorbed twit.My older son knows he'd better compliment her on her looks to keep her happy. My younger son, just says hello and good bye and treats me like the queen in her presense, so she resents him for that, she still hasn't congratulated him for graduating after 5 years of Uni. NM's never change, forget it, remember you have a right to be happy, she doesn't care about you,she only cares about her self. Let go Emotionally!

talk to you soon

Nikki


Carol 6 years ago

Im so angry at my mother its hard to function. Ive recognised that my mother is a NM as well and have cut her off as its the only way I could survive. Problem is my dad died recently and because of my mother I didn't go to his funeral because I couldn't deal with his death and My mother taking all the attention playing the grief stricken widow. My mother never loved my dad and told me so. She also said I was concieved out of love. That was when I cut her off. Problem now is she is telling everyone dad was an abusive husband and it has upset me more than I can say and I feel I want revenge. Im finding it all to much.


Derek 6 years ago

Everyone who has commented here has been females... So allow me to introduce myself.

I'm a 16 year old male. I suffer from depression and I am currently home-schooled because of my anxiety around people.

I KNOW I have a narcissistic mother. She wants to control everything, tell me I'm nothing and she's everything, yell at me even when I'm crying etc... Her mother is even worse, however. I'm living with her 24/7 and my dad is never around because he works so much. I don't have my driver's license yet because, frankly, I don't have the energy. There is no way for me to escape. It sucks.

The advantage of being home-schooled is that I can graduate earlier than age 18. I just can't seem to muster up the energy to do my work and sometimes even get out of bed. All because of one person. I was looking at myself and my life vicariously through someone else, and I realized how weak I am. I should be able to ignore her or whatever, but it's so hard when she's yelling at me to answer her whether it be physically or actively. I want to escape, and I know that is the only way to survive this, but I don't know how. I am literally stuck at the house.

In writing this, I have found that I should just take it one step at a time. Start doing SOMETHING everyday. Maybe take a bunch of walks down to a local park. Start doing some work whether it be 30 minutes or 3 hours. I am very dedicated with what I do in the present tense, so if I start setting some daily goals for myself to keep my mind off of her, then I should be okay until college.

My step brother lived with her just as I'm living with her now. He used to physically abuse her when he was my age and that lasted for about 3 years. I used to be so mad at him for doing that. I was, most of the time, right there to witness it as well. I didn't know what he was going through until now. He is getting his master's and he is looking to be pretty successful. He even got a scholarship for doing so well on the GMAT. The reason he has, for the better part, healed from an unjustified childhood is that he blocked her off... Literally. He used to literally ignore her and stay in his room, do his homework and then play video games. I now see what he was doing and to realize that he was being raised wrongly at such a young age, I commend him. I only wish to be as successful as he is and I know I can do it.

I just want to say thanks to the author of this article and to the commentors that have added to the amazingness of this article. I really do think I can turn this negative in to a positive now. As soon as I start nearing the end of my high school career, I will be sure to apply to as many universities as possible and get out of this house as quickly as possible. I think my dad has a straight week off (the first in 3 years) soon so I will be sure to do as much as I can with him.

Thanks, once again.


Nikki 6 years ago

Hi every one, hope things are going ok.

Just read the last 2 comments and felt for you Carol and Derek.

Carol i know about the revenge feeling, it consumes you,you know i've been there, feeling the same hatred. I wish you the best, i used to punch my pillow and make believe it was NM, made me feel better for a while. Hi Derek hope you're ok. It must be really hard for you, but like you said, do something every day, take baby steps or small steps to a goal you want to achieve. It can even be a hobby or stuff you're interested in. I find music is great, hows about taking guitar lessons.

Any way remember you're not alone we all have NMs on this site thanks to the article. God Bless


Autumn 6 years ago

Thank you for this post. Wow! This hit me so hard. I'm 32 years old & just seeing my mother as she is. I can barely cry or feel. I've talked w/ my sissy & we shared together our expriences. I idenified w/ Helen & also have a weak father who never protected me. My mother wouldn't feed me properly ,she made me sick & got attention for it. She tried to turn my sister & I against each other with comments to my sister when she had me: (my sister was grown then) "I don't need you I have a new family now"; & to me always saying" your sister is my favorite daughter"... why would a mother say or act in these manipulative ways?? it is all making sense & I don't know what to do w/ it??

I always tried to please others... putting myself down or aside to make others happy. I was trying to please HER. It makes sense but I don't know what to do w/ it??

I'm glad I'm not alone & want to thank everyone for posting their comments... You're all very courageous. I hope to find my way through all this & come out of it a stronger person.


Estranged Daughter 6 years ago

My mom is also a narcissist. I finally made a decision not to have anymore contact with her.


Jamie F 6 years ago

Hi again, everyone. Man, I just read the recent entries, and I feel for all of you so much... it's not easy, because it's the most primary relationship in life - the one we normally use to model other relationships, that is all screwed up. It doesn't get much more basic than that.

Two points: dropping contact, and (Autumn) "what to do w/it?":

For those of you dropping contact - my therapist was very firm with me - to stay out of contact so I could remove myself from the reactive cycle, and begin to see life more clearly, outside of the cycle. I found myself fighting all sorts of guilt, but mostly FEAR during this time, because my Nmom was trashing me to my family, and specifically my daughters, and I feared losing them as well. When I expressed this, my therapist said, "Your daughters love you and see thru your mother's motives. And as far as the rest of the family... so what? do you really care what they think?" She added, "You are driven by huge amounts of fear & anxiety. Can you see this?" She had me practicing just focusing on where the tension was in my body, and just feel it. It helped - it would gradually subside.

Hang in there - use your "no contact" time to cultivate self-awareness and acceptance of the feelings that come up for you, w/o judging them.

Regarding "what to do w/it?"... I'm currently taking an 8-wk course in "Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy" which is amazing. It's for people who have repeated bouts with anxiety or depression. The most valuable thing I'm getting from it is learning to take a short "3-minute breathing space" throughout the day, to stop - breathe a few times, feel what's going on in my body, my emotions, my thoughts. The idea is: to become aware of your changing states, so you don't automatically react out of emotions you're not even aware of, and to stop your mind from spinning a whole story about it. Instead, just note the physical tension, the fear, anger, whatever it is, and stop and breathe through it. It actually calms down once you stop your mind from spinning things out of control.

I found this course because - even tho my Nmom died, I started noticing that certain simple things/events that were only "associated" with past Nmom episodes, could trigger the same anxiety in me now... years later, and it really confused and scared me. The techniques I'm learning - especially that 3-min breathing space - have been very helpful. It seems to stop a simple "feeling" from developing out into full-blown anxiety or depression. Instead, it subsides, and I actually feel good, and am finding I can allow myself to feel happiness... finally!

Hang in there! Become your own best friend, your own loving mother, treat yourself and all your flaws with love and compassion. Best wishes for all of us!


Jamie F 6 years ago

PS: Derek, you are AWESOME! Your insight and maturity are quite extraordinary. Hang in there, I know it's really hard for you, but you're doing everything right. I wish I'd had your awareness when I was 18, or even 28 or 38. Hang in there, and continue treating yourself kindly. You deserve it.


Nikki 6 years ago

Hi everyone hope you're ok.

My 26 year old son is getting engaged soon to a lovely girl. I have no choice but to keep in contact with NM, or she will prevent my aunties and herself from attending the reception. It's like she has got me stuck to keep seeing her, or else! The reason i'm worried about people attending, is that the girl friend has so much family attending. I'm single and i always have to crawl to NM so things will go smooth in family stuff, i have no one else. I don't want my son to be unhappy for his engagement. This sort of stuff has been going on for years. I raised my sons on my own, but i wanted them to have grand parents. I can't wait to completely go away from NM. Funny thing, she really does not know who i am, she sees me like she wants to see me.It's been a hard slog, but at least i know that she is a Narcissitic mother, it took me 40 years to realize that. Talk soon.

Nikki


candis 6 years ago

I too have a NM, I knew she had a mental disorder, but did not know the name of it. Now I know. I decided to leave her alone over 10 years ago. That was the best decision I made. As for the poster Derek; I wish I had your intelligence and maturity at age 16, you are far ahead of the game...the future is very bright for you.


6 years ago

I realized that i had a NM about 6 months ago at the age of 31. It was the saddest thing ive discovered in my life. I always knew her ways were not normal and that she suffers from some psychological disorder but to actually know exactly what she has was very devastating specially to know that there is absolutely nothing i can do to help her. Ive struggled all my life to find out why she would treat me that way? why she was always so difficult? but no matter what she will always be my mother and i forgive her for everything. As long as i have God everything will work out for the best.


6 years ago

After last years explosive Christmas holiday I had had enough. She actually tried to get me to hit her so that she had something to hold over me. It was very strange, she was reliving a scene from Christmas at age 8, but now it was my son and I. I wouldn't let her do it. Long story short I decided to put her on visitation with my son for only 2 hours. After a year she doesn't even try to see him anymore.

After reading about this and seeing everyone's perspective I find it easier to accept that she will never love or care for me the way I love and respect my son. It's sad for her, but she finally beat the empathy out of me that I had for her.


Josh 6 years ago

All of this has helped so much. I feel fortunate to realize my situation at the early age of 20. Its amazing how many other people I can identify with on this subject. The nature of it makes you feel like its a unique indescribable thing between you and your NM. Seeing these accounts helps me to demystify the whole thing. The amount of feelings rushing through me is intense and hard to describe. I am gratefull for this insight and will use it in my personal path to self realization. All of a sudden many things are making much more sense, especially my downfalls with personal relationships with other. I just realized that I emulate the same emotional manipulation with my friends that my mother does with me.. like paying for something then expecting admiration or a favor. Or feel like my friends owe me something or should be what I imagine them to be. It has caused me much anxiety in social settings. This new perspective is already calming my nerves. It was so hard to put my finger on now it feels control is coming back. Thank you all and continue to open your minds to new perspectives as you have helped me open mine. and may I suggest being the source of understanding and loving communication for others who are going through something similar once you have come to terms with your own situation. The joy of helping others is as selfish as it is selfless, everyone benefits!


Beth 6 years ago

I am 49 yrs old and just discovered in June of this year what was wrong with my mom.It seems she is typical as NM. She reminds me of Sylvia Plathe. That was when I was 4 and she was 20. She took an overdose while I was in the house, it was a rage response. The state took me for 6 months, my grandparents got me back, if it had been up to her I would have been left there. When she got married to my brother and sisters father I was 7. W was born when I was 8.5 yrs and J was born when I was 10. When she took me back at 7, it was so typical, she only did it because of how it would look if she didn't. I was ignored if I was trying to be a good girl, I was slapped in the face or hit with objects, verbally abused, or threatened with being left if I behaved like a normal demanding child. I grew up very fast because I was given childcare and household duties at 8 yrs old. In each post I see myself and Im so grateful to each of you for telling. My sister is of course the golden child,she looked exactly like our NM growing up. When she "came out" 15 yrs ago NM took her baby, threatened to take her to court as unfit. I am trying now to help J get it. NM still has my niece at 16, and manipulates J unmercifully. Now its " oh see how I have this burden, see how wonderful I am". I have cut all contact with NM. I expierienced the grief, the anger, the resentment, and still do at different times.Hate. This just makes us stronger, when we're all so strong to begin with. Thanks for the site. talk again soon.


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 6 years ago

Alum and I have lived a very similar life. I realized I had a NM around age 40. I'm 52 now and she is 89. She needs my help with doctor appointments, groceries, etc. Since I have no siblings and I consider myself a good person...I can't turn my back on her completely. But some days, the rage and frustration I feel is overwhelming. Not that the tasks need to be done...it's dealing with her, exposing myself to her. I have to put on mental "armor" as I drive to her house because every boundary will be challenged. By the time I leave I am so exhausted from defending myself. She literally sucks the life out of me. I call her an emotional vampire. She is SO not worth all the kind things I do for her...when she never once went out of her way to be kind to me as a child. I do it for myself. Because I think its the right thing to do. I too had a wonderful father (deceased since I was 24). I too look up to heaven and ask him "when are you coming to get her?" LOL


ENDOFROPE 6 years ago

I have read many stories posted here and can relate to all of them. I am in my mid forties dealing with an NM that is relentless in her ways. I am generally a quite person, but can become explosive when she pushes me too far. Thank god I live about 100 miles away so she can't just drop by. We recently got into a huge argument because she said "When your father dies, I'm not going to be as sad as I should be". As you can well imagine this set me off. I never came so close to choking a person and scared myself because for one second, I really wanted to do it. I calmed myself down and told her to leave. I spoke to her on the phone later and warned her that I will no longer play games or listen to her nonsense. I told her that I will not speak to her again if she disrepects me or my father. So far she has been an angel, let's see how long this lasts.

Well my point is taking the passive approach is not always the way to some of these NM's. They use a lot of the same methods that bullies use to get their way and control with people. Good luck to everyone.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

This has been a very cleansing article, as well as reading the postings from others. I have been coming to grips with my mother for years, and she is now 84 and I'm 54. She lives with my aunt who is 87, and I'm all they have. I can't cut off contact for my aunt's sake, and decided long ago to "lead a double life." Every contact that I have with them when I take them out two days a week to food shop, etc. is all about them. I talk about everyday things and never share much of myself, because my mother gets jealous, cruel, and impatient if she's not the center of attention. I also noticed that one person mentioned their mother was the baby in the family. So is my mother, and my other aunt who has since passed away, stated many times that she felt my mother was the way she is because they doted on her. I'm fortunate to have a wonderful husband who keeps me from taking her too seriously (I can be very hyper-sensitive to her comments), and two grown sons who we have a wonderful relationship with.

I have found that as long as I set boundaries with my mother and are consistent about them, she doesn't like it but she lives with it. She knows I am a means to an end to get out, so that has improved the leverage that I have with her. Also, I have forgiven her and accept her as she is, and that has helped me to detach from her even though I love her. I just have to make sure that she doesn't manipulate herself to be first in my life, and stick to it. My husband and sons and close friends are deserving of my attention first and foremost, even though she tries to use guilt to suck me back into it.

As someone else stated, it's the right thing to do to help her and my aunt, but now it's on my terms. Having faith, a sense of humor, and a strong support system does help.

I wish you all the best!


lost 5 years ago

It was so hard to believe that there are other mothers like mine I am 40yrs old I moved back in with my parents because they were going to loose there house so I figured instead of paying rent else where I would help them. That was a mistake I regret to this day. My mom has 5 kids 4 boys and myself a girl I got stuck in the middle. Ever since I remember I was more like a slave to her and her boys especialy her eldest all of them at one point or another beat me left me with busted lips, brused, bloody. I never understood it but she enjoyed watching them do it she would never stop them. And of course her beatings for me were never far behind! Since I can remember I started seeking help with a phycologist thinking I was the one with the issues so I tried to forget it all and try and move on with my life, and my mom would say I was the one with the problem and that I have such a horrable personality . Then I had my children I would get sick to my stomach when ever my oldest brother would be around them and started having weird driems but I kept trying to keep the piece with all of them I even let him baptize my son but all the time with this sick feeling. Well finally in Thanksgiving of 2007 I finally had some kind of breakdown

they all started in on me and one of my brothers started in on me and grabed me by the hair, mind you these are grown ass men. Anyways we started fist fighting and the older one comes in and of course sides with my other brother and grabed me in a head lock so I blanked out and went wild and kept socking him on his testicles and kept repeating over and over this is for all the times you abused me you pig it was all so clear he had sexualy abused me, and the brother I was fighting with and I told him you idiot dont you remember crying to me to get him to stop doing things to you? But he says he dosent remember. So finally I let it all out told my mom and everyone there what her precios oldest son had done to me and my younger brother. She of course called me a lier but its all so clear and of course her precios son denies it to. So forward to today 2010 they all hate me and curse the day I was born she said what was the point of saying anything now but I tried to tell her back then I remember she would always tell me to shut up with my crying at nights because when ever I fell asleep it would happen so I had to learn to not sleep and watch out for me and my younger brother so know of course I hardly ever sleep. I haven't for years but didn't know why and so many problems with my husband. So do you think she feels bad for any of it? She dosent know how to feel any thing for me never has. Im so stupid because just today I cried again asking why She hates me so much why did she have me.She has turned all my brothers against my father he is the only one that believes me because he says he caught my brothers once and whiped them and told my mom about it so she knew and still left me alone and made me sleep in the same room with them how could she do this to me? Why didn't she abort me when she knew I was a girl she hates me and loves her sons why? My dad has always been there for me I feel so bad for him so thats why Im still here at home he has asked me to stay. My mom use to prtend to have heart attacks whenever my dad and her use to fight when we were small it was an abuse relationship anyways he would leave she would start wailing and faint fake a heart attack so her boys would run to her aid the reason Im mentioning this is because, she know dose have real heart problems and need a kidney transplant so she is even meaner you would think she would change but nope. Just this past Thanksgiving she started telling me that I was the reason her presious sons dont come and visit her often but I stay in the back part of the house I hardly come out, and said Im turning my kids against her but they see the way she is and the hate it I would never put any ideas in there heads they see it all first hand. Im glad I turned out nothing like her my daughter and son are all to me and would never treat them the way she treated me. Each and every day I tell them how smart,and wonderful they are, and that I am so lucky to have them and that what ever they put there minds to they will accomplish. Something my mom never told me to her I was and still am very stupid! So why dose it still hurt why wasn't I worth her love!!!!


1rummy 5 years ago

Wow, all of these stories really hit home for me. I am 45, and I’ve recently realized my mom is a NM and quite possibly my father is a narcissist too. Before I go into some of the raunchy details, I must honestly say my wonderful husband of 22 years saved my life. I also have two of the greatest boys 13 and 18 which help me get through every day with a smile. They tell me every so often, I am not anything like my mother. I am actually the total opposite, by being very loving and nurturing to them. Unlike my mother, I would do anything for them. They labeled her crazy grandma a long time ago. She also messes with their heads. I feel horrible about my past. I am mostly mad at myself for leaving her control my life and taking away my childhood. My mother got pregnant at 15 so she could quit school and get married. She ditched my real father and married my step-father when I was 3. She constantly tells me how she could have aborted me but she didn't. She acts like I am indebted to her for her pro-choice decision. My step father abused me physically and emotionally. Then to top it off, I was sexually abused by my step-dad's sister. I was never as good as my younger brother and I never will be. He was the real problem child. I was always told I was such a bad kid. I guess being a straight-A student wasn't good enough for them. I tried committing suicide several times in my teens, became bulimic, and very depressed later on in my life. Talk about head issues! My parents kept me away from my real father and told me I could never be a part of his life or they would disown me. Now I will never know my real father or my half-sister. My mother is always using her health as her ultimate weapon. She’s been dying since I was 5. When I had cancer 2 years ago, she told me every day about someone else who had some other illness worse than mine. She kept telling me I would need nerve pills during my radiation treatments. I did great without any drugs! I had wonderful friends and close family as my drug choice. My friends and co-workers said I had such a great attitude during this difficult time in my life. She always took pills for everything. She likes being numb through life. On my birthday this year, she insisted I wrote a nasty letter to my brother. She told me my brother was stressing her out so much for years by ignoring her and that his wife was such a bitch to her. She then told me she was having immense chest pain, and she was probably going to have a heart attack in the very near future because of them. Once again her manipulating ways drove me to dropping him a not-so-nice email. Needless to say, it has been months and him and I still don't talk. She talks to him every so often and tells me how terrible it is that we can’t make amends. She threw me right under the bus without any hesitation on her part. I am sure she most likely lied to him to get him to forgive her. She manipulates me into doing all of her dirty work or else she will make me pay dearly for going against her wishes. Oh the guilt trips are awful!! This all came to a head when she crushed me again two days before Thanksgiving. She accused me of not taking the time to smell the roses all because I didn’t call her back the night before when she left a message on my answering machine. She accused me of being too busy for anyone in my life. Actually, I have been very distant with her for a few months now. I feel she acts so fake around everyone. I can’t stand to even be around her anymore. She is so delusional at times. She hangs with people way out of her league. She always puts a ton on my shoulders. Her illnesses, her poor relationship with my step-father and everyone else, the list goes on. My step-father would be devastated to know she was cheating on his butt 2 years ago with her high school bud. I got to hear every detail about the affair. He would drop her like a hot potato if he knew this. To top it off, she just sent my kids a Christmas card with her and my step-father all cozied up by the tree. It makes me sick! When I called her before Thanksgiving to ask why she was telling me to smell the roses and saying terribly mean things to me, I asked to talk to my step-dad. She refused to give him the phone. She insanely laughed at me and made me feel like a creep so I hung up. I knew right then and there I was done. She will never change. She is only getting worse with age. She knows she is screwed because my brother will never take care of her. She would better hope that she never really gets old and sick because she will go right into a home. LOL She threatened me every day with putting me into a home during my childhood. She even threw me out on the front porch in the dead of winter at 5 years old. She claimed the people from the home were coming for me since I was so naughty. At one point, she was being watched by neighbors and social services for her terrible parenting skills. I guess she talked them out of it just like she always sweet talks everyone into believing she is a saint and a wonderful mother. I even convinced myself of this over the years. Anyways, I would get myself up for school every day at 6 years old, make my own breakfast, and leave for school on my own. When she was at home and not working, I would still do the same routine because she needed her beauty sleep and her private time. At 12, I worked as a waitress in my grandparent’s restaurant so I could buy all of my personal and toiletry items. My parents never had the money. They had enough money for my brother, their new homes, and their new cars. I paid room and board at 18, along with doing all of their wash and house cleaning. I was an ungrateful slave to them. There is just so much more to write about. I forgave her for 45 years now but the scars will always be there. I can’t let her in my life right now. She will never admit to her ongoing disease. She continues to try and go through my kids to reach me but they brush her off. They see my pain. I am so thankful I broke the legacy for my boy’s sake. I now have a great job and a terrific marriage because I fought for everything I have. It wasn’t easy, and I am quite sure she envies me for all of it. She never gives me any credit for my accomplishments. I have the self-esteem I need to become the person I should have been years ago. Life is too short to have this black cloud hanging over me. I think I will go with the NC method. It hurts but the abuse hurts worse. God bless all of you! You are way stronger than you think. : )


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 5 years ago

Dear lost: Your mother's lack of love for you is not about you. It's about her. The deficiency lies within her not you. Could you make a tree love you? No--its not possible. The same for your mother--not capable. Give up on her love. Cut ties with these abusive people who have used you as the family scapegoat your entire life. Meet your father for lunch. If they are going to lose their home, let their precious sons help them.

Spend your time and energy on your children and husband and most importantly on yourself. You must become your own mother. You must love yourself like you love your children. I know it hurts, but what you want from your mother will never happen and YOU will be the one who suffers. God bless you.


lost 5 years ago

Dear OnlyChild:

Thank you!! For your encouraging words, some times it helps to hear alittle kindness to, understand that it's not you it's them! I have recently come to terms with my mothers sickness. I know this is awful to say but, she is dead to me thats the only way I can go on with my life! She is just a person living under this same roof. I just cant leave my father behind. So as long as he needs me, I will be there for him. He has told her that it might be best to sell the house get what ever they can and she go live with one of her precios sons, and that he will be living with us. You can imagine how that went she begged for us not to leave to understand that her medical problems mke her this way and to please let her die in her house! I haven't talked to her since Thanksgiving and dont plan to. So as long as my dad need's me I'll be here for him. I am no longer concerned with her. I live for my children, husband,father,and most importantly my self! To everyone out there who knows & understands what it's like. Hang in there, let go, love those that truly deserve your love!! LIVE,LAUGH,LOVE! GOD BLESS


Val 5 years ago

I recently realized after almost a year of therapy that my husband is a narcissistic personality - after 31 years of marriage. I started thinking about my mother who is 83 years old and lives with one of my siblings and his family. After the last time that my mom was with me for a day and she started in on me with her criticism and I realized that her only focus is herself -- I've taken her for rides on beautiful days with white clouds and mountains in view and I cannot get her to stop and just enjoy the scenery-- and I also realized that she does better when she doesn't see me (because I am the scapegoat and she gets negative, attacks my brother verbally who cares for her) so I have limited my visits to occasional. I am going to go see her this afternoon but only for a limited time - I have my armor on and hope that I can dodge the darts.


azure_sky profile image

azure_sky 5 years ago from Somewhere on the Beach, if I am lucky :)

Wow....powerful piece! Happy that I had a wonderful Mom that was the best cheerleader a daughter could ask for. I truly was blessed to have her.


Me 5 years ago

I asked my mom once to help me take my son to the doctor. After meeting her one time, he told me she seemed narcissisitc. After meeting her once for like 15 minutes! I had to find out more about this condition but wasn't expecting the answer to be so accurate. I could write a book on the pain, the guilt, and how our whole family has been torn apart by not just her, but also her mother AND grandmother. I am now scared to death that this trait that seems to have been handed down will affect me as well. I'm glad it has a name, that I'm not just throwing off on my mom. Their actions, threats and lies have resulted in multiple divorces in the family, and other severed relationships. I just turned 30 and my son is almost 4. I am terrified now because mental illness runs high in my family and I have caught myself being too hard on my son. I hold him and apologize for being a "grumpy mommy". Is it too late or can I keep from morphing into this narcissistic maniac?


MovedOn 5 years ago

I don't know where to start, I realized things revolved around my mother at a young age and would try and tell my Dad (enabler) and sister (the good girl) that she was wrong or not nice. My Dad understood but was of little help and my sister just kept trying to make Mom happy and in the process me the scapegoat.

I left home at 15...they never forgave me for rejecting the family they thought was perfect (except me). They convienced a lot of friends/relatives I was the issue. Fast forward, I got a job, an apartment and put myself through college and have had a good career. During the process I saw how other Moms treated their children and family and learned alot. My husband, he and his family are wonderful...when we were engaged they wrote me a beatiful letter telling me how happy they were I would be part of the family. I kept the letter until my NM going through my memory book, saw the letter and took it. Part of me wanted her to know that others loved me when she couldn't.

When we started our family I wanted my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents so I tried to change so my children would have grandparents. Big mistake. When I flew to FL (from NJ) to tell family I was expecting the first thing she said was it wasn't to late to abort. Over the years when I would visit she never had one picture of my family up only of my sister and her kids. When I took vacation time and made the family visit my parents she would find a reason to go off to be with her friends. Her daughter and grand daughters weren't what she wanted. The most common refrain I heard from her was that she wasn't the kind of grandmother who wanted to spend time with her grandkids...she was too old (not) and didn't like to cook anymore (never did).

For years I tried to connect but over the last 30 years I would try less and less and limit contact...part of it was my husband who said he did not want to see me upset and hurt by her.

A few years ago my sister started to bully me and then she became unstable and would call me up to tell me what a bad sister and daughter I was, I told her she was wrong and that I wouldn't hear her lies. She started therapy but she continued to fall apart and ended her life 3 years ago after several sucide attempts. I tried to get her help but she was certain that it was not depression and psychosis.

After she died I thought it would be best if my Mom was in NJ and when I told her she should move up near me she said she couldn't because she had given everything to my brother-in-law.

After my Dad died my sister and Mom ran off and had papers created to give my sister and her husband all her assets. I was upset because my Dad had given me a copy of his will with everything going 50/50. For 7 years my mom and sister where not honest with me about what they did or why.

I told my mom how I was hurt and she proceeded to tell me what a bad daughter and sister I was. She didn't know my sister ended her life so all I heard about was how we lost an angel (got stuck with the devil child). I left told her I would never see her again. She never called, sent cards and neither have I.

Over the holidays a few good things happened, I heard from family and friends who understand. I know they had tried to reach out to me over the years but I could talk about it without sounding like a bitter or greedy daughter. A friend of my parents called, she was always very kind to me and my family. I couldn't get the strength to talk to her to tell her I had a falling out with my mom. My dear husband said he would since she was always kind to us. As soon as he said 'she had a falling out' the lady said she had always seen how my Mother treated me and 'our beautiful girls' and told my NM that she needed to treat both of her daughters and grandkids the same and that it wasn't right how she treated me and my family. A few days later I called her and she said told me that she loved me and my family and that she also had a falling out with my mom.

Two days later, I get a call from my Aunt (her sister) and she invited us for a visit. My girls and I went and spent an afternoon with her...she never brought up my mother. I felt relief and some joy that others saw her for who she is and have reached out to me.

I will never talk to her again and I have come to terms with this decision. I do think my mother is part of the reason my sister fell apart after my Dad's death. I think in some ways it was easier for me to be the scapegoat and realize that and run away then to be the golden child and have to with a NM. My sister was a good person who was damaged by a NM. Me too, but I'm feeling stronger this article and comments have helped.

My husband and girls always tell me I'm nothing like my Mom...I have tried hard but I sometimes see things that she did and I have to catch myself and think about a heathy way to deal with something.


MovedOn 5 years ago

I don't know where to start, I realized things revolved around my mother at a young age and would try and tell my Dad (enabler) and sister (the good girl) that she was wrong or not nice. My Dad understood but was of little help and my sister just kept trying to make Mom happy and in the process me the scapegoat.

I left home at 15...they never forgave me for rejecting the family they thought was perfect (except me). They convienced a lot of friends/relatives I was the issue. Fast forward, I got a job, an apartment and put myself through college and have had a good career. During the process I saw how other Moms treated their children and family and learned a lot. My husband, he and his family are wonderful...when we were engaged they wrote me a beatiful letter telling me how happy they were I would be part of the family. I kept the letter until my NM going through my memory book, saw the letter and took it. Part of me wanted her to know that others loved me when she couldn't.

When we started our family I wanted my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents so I tried to change so my children would have grandparents. Big mistake. When I flew to FL (from NJ) to tell family I was expecting the first thing she said was it wasn't to late to abort. Over the years when I would visit she never had one picture of my family up only of my sister and her kids. When I took vacation time and made the family visit my parents she would find a reason to go off to be with her friends. Her daughter and grand daughters weren't what she wanted. The most common refrain I heard from her was that she wasn't the kind of grandmother who wanted to spend time with her grandkids...she was too old (not) and didn't like to cook anymore (never did).

For years I tried to connect but over the last 30 years I would try less and less and limit contact...part of it was my husband who said he did not want to see me upset and hurt by her.

A few years ago my sister started to bully me and then she became unstable and would call me up to tell me what a bad sister and daughter I was, I told her she was wrong and that I wouldn't hear her lies. She started therapy but she continued to fall apart and ended her life 3 years ago after several sucide attempts. I tried to get her help but she was certain that it was not depression and psychosis.

After she died I thought it would be best if my Mom was in NJ and when I told her she should move up near me she said she couldn't because she had given everything to my brother-in-law.

After my Dad died my sister and Mom ran off and had papers created to give my sister and her husband all her assets. I was upset because my Dad had given me a copy of his will with everything going 50/50. For 7 years my mom and sister where not honest with me about what they did or why.

I told my mom how I was hurt and she proceeded to tell me what a bad daughter and sister I was. She didn't know my sister ended her life so all I heard about was how we lost an angel (got stuck with the devil child). I left told her I would never see her again. She never called, sent cards and neither have I.

Over the holidays a few good things happened, I heard from family and friends who understand. I know they had tried to reach out to me over the years but I could talk about it without sounding like a bitter or greedy daughter. A friend of my parents called, she was always very kind to me and my family. I couldn't get the strength to talk to her to tell her I had a falling out with my mom. My dear husband said he would since she was always kind to us. As soon as he said 'she had a falling out' the lady said she had always seen how my Mother treated me and 'our beautiful girls' and told my NM that she needed to treat both of her daughters and grandkids the same and that it wasn't right how she treated me and my family. A few days later I called her and she said told me that she loved me and my family and that she also had a falling out with my mom.

Two days later, I get a call from my Aunt (her sister) and she invited us for a visit. My girls and I went and spent an afternoon with her...she never brought up my mother. I felt relief and some joy that others saw her for who she is and have reached out to me.

I will never talk to her again and I have come to terms with this decision. I do think my mother is part of the reason my sister fell apart after my Dad's death. I think in some ways it was easier for me to be the scapegoat and realize that and run away then to be the golden child and have to with a NM. My sister was a good person who was damaged by a NM. Me too, but I'm feeling stronger this article and comments have helped.

My husband and girls always tell me I'm nothing like my Mom...I have tried hard but I sometimes see things that she did and I have to catch myself and think about a heathy way to deal with something.


Trying to just "get-a-long" 5 years ago

I am not 100% sure she is a NM but she shows a lot of characteristics, I guess I spent a lot of time next door to my grandmothers house. I just could never seemed to get along with her, she was always putting me down every time I though I did something good, always giving my sister praise and telling her how great she was doing even though me and my sister were only 2yrs apart we were inseparable playing all the sports and doing several activities together. I didn't know their was something wrong with her until I went to college, she was soooo happy for me at first and then I would come home on the weekends she was always pissed at me so after 3 months I stopped coming and just came every other month. Although the drive was only 3 1/2 hrs. Since high school. I had a lot of friends growing up and she was always nice them at first, she was super sweet and always about giving them anything she had, but after 2-3 times she would show her real side screaming and yelling all the time and always trying to down me about anything. I went through college with multiple scholarships and pretty much paid my way. What I am confused about is although she didn't pay for my schooling and I had 2 jobs and working hard, she took all the credit for it saying that she put me through college. And when it came time to take my national board exams she refused to help me pay for it so my fiancée helped me without even being asked and then later she took the credit for it. I can remember when I was in clinicals I had a little incident with my car and she started screaming at me and making fun of me telling me that I was going to fail out of college. I can remember though throw college when I came home she would always tell me " You'll never make it in college I just don't know why you don't go ahead and quit." I am soon to be married and I told my fiancée to not trust her to not be overly nice to her just to keep your distance. He understood and listened. Right now for my job I am stationed in Texas and she wanted to come and see what it was like here, I agreed and she flew out here for a week. She hated everything from my apartment, to the city, to the multiple interstates to the food I cooked. She even was telling my fiancée that he was making a big mistake, that i would leave him in a heartbeat. And then told him that is was holding me back from finding someone else and that he was using me. She had gone completely off her rocker! Every chance she got she just wanted to tell me how wrong I was doing. She opened up all my mail and even snuck out to my mail box with my fiancees keys to check it!! Nothing I ever buy her is good enough, she always tells me why couldn't I have one of those istead. Anything I wear is not pretty enough, I don't even think I hear her tell me that she loves me until I was in college and mentioned it to her, me and my sister did. She calls NON STOP ALL DAY LONG and then has nothing to say or if she finds out about "something" she has 100 questions. She is the most nosiest, jealous, crazy person I know. Another thing when I was in college I had only one loan which was 10,000 dollars and i knew i used 6,000 for school fees and the other 4,000 disappeared out of her safety deposit box, when I went to confront her I was being stupid, and I couldn't calculate and I was wasting time arguing over nothing and that I spent it which I knew I didn't I never had access to it! I am just going nuts with her, I don't know if she is NM but she is driving me crazy!


Linda Morden 5 years ago

I too, at 50 realized I have a NM. I hope everyone feels better in time just as I do now. It does feel horrible to have a mother who doesn't love you, but you are stronger because of it. You will learn to love yourself. You are worth it. Love feels good, joy and happiness are normal, not rare feelings. The guilt is gone now, but I know how hard it is to make it disappear. One day she hung up on me, and I took that as the perfect way to just let go. Her complaints about my Christmas gifts were another method for me to just not buy any anymore. I'm pretty sure she won't contact me again, just like that.

I'm starting to be the real me. It's amazing how hard it is just to make a decision. It's equally exilerating to feel myself starting to grow. I take baby steps healing myself and I hope everyone does the same. You will have bad days when feeling sorry for your lost childhood seems over whelming, but that is normal. You have to be your own mother now. She was just someone who showed you how not to be a parent. Take a little time everyday to give yourself a hug. Tell yourself a compliment everyday. SMILE at other people. Everyone has burden, we just can't see it. Life is feeling joy, you have a right and a responsibility to yourself to bring that joy on! Life is good, don't let someone who has a disorder steal your power. You need all your strength and all your energy to get yourself on the path to healing and moving forward. She is small and weak. Her screaming won't affect you anymore. She will never change...you will. She is going to see the real you and she will just have to deal with it. It really is true that emotions manifest through physical feelings that you can control once you are aware. That tension in your neck and shoulders is your body telling you something. Our bodies and minds are wonderful tools if we learn to listen. Please, please try to let go of that image of 'mom' loving you...she doesn't. Just know that you won't do that to your kids...ever.

Linda


Nemira  5 years ago

Thanks for everybody sharing experience. It is helpful to know that you are not alone in this misery. Now I am adult which can stand up for myself. I still can catch moments of guilt but my feelings tell that it is not my fault. Just I can not change her. It takes time, some work with myself, but I now conscious that is going about. Thanks again for article and comments!


pauline 5 years ago

my husband of 34 years died suddenly recently. my mother wouldn't go to his funeral because as she put it "i would never ever understand how SHE felt about losing him". thank you for the article and comments.


JenTDK 5 years ago

I just came to the realization that I have a NM. I am really sad today and have not gotten off the internet looking as to why she is the way she is. I guess there are no answers. I have been wrestling with the idea of cutting off all communication with her but the only things stopping me is my children. I am 28 years old and I am tired of being the one to feel like a failure. I have felt this way all of my life and only recently has it gotten worse. I am six and a half months pregnant and the only thing my mother said to me about it was, "I can't wait until you are not pregnant anymore so you're not such a f-ing bitch." Thank you. I have read every single post by all on here and it is nice to see we are not alone. I go out of my way with my son to make sure I am never like her. I also am pregnant with a little girl and I am terrified about it...just praying that I do everything right unlike my mother. My biggest argument now is her with my son and her quickness to parade him around but never have anything to do with him any other time. Always she is creating some false reality to others around her. Never happy with how wonderful my life turned out. Thank you for listening to me....feels nice to be heard and not alone.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

To Jen TDK in particular:

I think that once you come to grips with the fact that your parent is a NM, then you do have to go through a grieving process and finally accept her for how she is. If you do want your mother to have contact with your children and it's healthy for them to do so, then you have to set boundaries for them and also for you. Be consistent.

Build up your self-confidence, and remember that for the most part, your life should be happy to YOU, first and foremost. My mother is very jealous of my life, so I don't talk about myself when I'm in her presence. She's so busy talking about herself that she doesn't even notice.

Surround yourself with people who DO make you feel good about yourself, and don't take your mother too seriously. There is no changing her, but you can change how you react to her. You are not alone, and now you need to gain the strength not to allow her to manipulate your happiness anymore. Be the mother you wanted and needed for your own children, and you will find great satisfaction in that.

It's not like you won't have sad days over this. Everyone wants the love and approval of their parents. I was fortunate to have my husband's mother love me just the way I am. She's gone now, but there are many other people in my life who love me unconditionally.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers to find the answers that bring you peace and real happiness.


Carol 5 years ago

You just described my husband's ex-wife. We are still dealing with the fallout she has wreaked on my three step children. Her antics are unbelievable. A selfish, self-absorbed head case who is completely wrapped up in her own problems. Everything, and I mean everything, is all about her. She is engaged to be married and I pity her husband-to-be. I can only hope that someday her kids will recognize what a callous, selfish person she is and heal from the damage she has inflicted upon them.


kaydan 5 years ago

I am a 39 year old nurse with two smashing children and a loving husband of twenty one years and after all these years of hurt from my n mother i have got the answer here which i can honestly say now my mum does not love me.I am the oldest of six children and may dad left the country to get away from the mess. I left home at sixteen and married young i now now it was the best thing thats happen to me it saved me and made me who i am now.I was basicaly my mothers slave never had a child hood did not go out after school as housework and looking after children ect i was stuipid, useless also saying sorry for things that i never understood why,i was fat ugly why cant you look pretty if i stood up to any thing when i got older i get a thump. I was always seeing my mum have rages with my outside family we wasnot allowed to see my grandad ect than we was it was sad and emotionaly cruel. She is a women who dresses nice hair done nicely and known round the village as does she do well with her children she so lovely and charming which confused the hell out of me and it felt like i was going mad. At the age of thirteen i was told to enter a carnival princess competition knowing she was going to be a carnival queen as no one entered and i had to go in competions against her which was cruel and horrible if she did not win i was in trouble, any way one day after school she told me i was bad and that the man in charge of this carnival show was going to sort me out well he did and touch me in places he should not of done i spoke to mum afterwards only to be told i should not of been bad in first place.

I have lost contact with family in the years apart from one of my brothers who is doing well and got lovely children the rest are on welfare ect and she showers them with gifts and one of my brothers has even gone to prison for touching his step daughter and he is my mums favourite.

If me or my brother contact our siblings they are brought back with her cash and we become nothing again or we are they for them when she has rages but they go back over the years and she makes stories up so its uncofortable for us to the rest of family.

My sister lost a boy to a car accident and i phone my mum to say me and my brother will come round with flowers and card she said fine but when we turn up she would not allow us to do this which was so painful.My mother is also trying make sure the boys dad is not coming to the furneal and threating him that she will say nasty things about him as my sister has spilt with him and i know she helped with this.

But some one that knew me told me i have a n mother and i would like to say thank you to my nephew as i would not of got this help and i am going to do my best and stop this pain and carry on loving my family and move on the best way i can and i am going to be a nan this year a fresh start and new beggining.I do feel the pain for you all with n mothers its the cruelest thing in the world to want to be loved by your mother and never will.


Ellen 5 years ago

I'm a 60 year old woman with a narcissistic mother, and after reading the above comments, I have one piece of advice for those of you who are young enough to do something about your mother: move as far away from home as you can and don't ever go back for more than a few days. Not to the next town or 100 miles down the road - but FAR away, at least 1000 miles, making it difficult for any face-to-face visits. I always knew there was something odd about my mom, and it wasn't until my sister and I were in our 40s that we could put a name to it. You will never have a close relationship with your mom, and you will never be able to talk to her about it. Lying, denial, criticizing...it will never, ever stop. You can do nothing to change her or make things better, so simply get away. I did, and have no regrets. I will not miss my mother when she's gone. Just stay away...and if you can't, then distance yourself emotionally, do not discuss anything with her other than the mundane, and always remember that she has no clue about her personality. No amount of explaining will make her understand. Give yourself a chance at a normal life and get away.


Karline 5 years ago

My heart goes out to all of you with NPD parents. I read each persons' story, and completely relate! No one truly understands the torment of our souls, except for the victims that have lived through it.

I'm a 25 y/o female; I've always knew that something was not quite right with my mother, but I never could have pinpointed her mental disorder up until now. My friends throughout my life would joke alongside me that she was "crazy". I'd always be puzzled with disbelief at how other peoples' parents treated them with love and acceptance; I secretly wished that I had other parents, even to this day. Both of my parents are narcissists. Undergoing therapy for over a year has really helped, and I discovered through my therapist that my mother has NPD. I never even knew that this disorder existed! My parents divorced before I hit the age of 3. I was the scapegoat, while my sis was the golden child. I was sent away, at 6 years old, and separated from my sis, to live in another state with my abusive and neglectful stepgrandma; I also lived amongst foster care children and was maltreated alongside them. I was also diagnosed with depression at an early age of 8-11 years old. My mother up until today, plays the role of a sacrificial mother,victim and rescuer. She is a broken record; throughout my childhood she'd constantly remind my sis and I how she "sacrificed her life" to raise us, and how marrying our father was a mistake. She has fought plenty of times with me, and used to constantly throw it in my face how she "brought me back" to live with her again, after I contemplated suicide at the age of 11. Secretly and sadistically, she enjoyed my suffering at the hands of my cruel stepgrandma and step cousin's abuse. My mother made me the scapegoat because I "looked like my father". She'd make mean comments such as, I had a "pig-nose". She use to call me names such as "butch" and "dike" because I was a tomboy who didn't date in high school.

My mother never taught my sis and I how to manage money,date,dress properly, or anything about sex and menstruation. I starting working at the age of 15, and had to buy my own clothing, and took it upon myself to help with household chores and responsibilities. When I finally did hit puberty, she would make fun of me that I was a "grown" woman, and make me feel ashamed that I menstruated, instead of encouraging me to embrace my bodily changes. I also internalized my anger and depression of her by overeating, and when I put on weight (I was about 30 pounds overweight), she would make fun of me and say that I "put on weight" or that I was getting "chubby". And that's not all... she would try to make my sis and I jealous of each others' looks, or constantly try to instigate fights. One time my mother physically attacked me, and sent me to jail, because I stood up to one of her abusive boyfriends. She also made me sleep out on the hallway floor, so that she and her bf could have privacy, and she also had no shame in dressing provocatively and having loud sex in front of my sis and I. To this day, she is a hypochondriac, addicted to valium, and not one conversation does not revolve, or get diverted, back to her problems and issues. She likes to talk about her health constantly, and how she suffered with no mother (her mother died when she was 18 y/o). She never apologizes,but places the blame on others and her "health problems" and sometimes she will have crying spells just so she can get sympathy from my sis and I. She will talk behind my back to my sis. When I became a nurse (on my own) she tried to take credit for it, but never came to my graduation. Both my father and mother talked bad about one another to my sis and I. Basically, my sis and I grew up to only exist to live for them, to cater to them, and to "take care" of them. When I visit my mother, she acts as if I'm not even in the room! She will sometimes talk in third person, which is creepy. Basically, I'm her whipping boy child. My mom would even talk about her fantasies of her living with me forever so I could take care of her, and wishes i'd be single all my life, lol. She has no empathy or soul, as I don't see any warmth or emotion in her empty eyes. She never expresses happiness in my achievements. My mother also tries to make me feel guilty in that my life is "better than hers" because I went to college and achieved more than her. She will never, nor could, be the mother that I wish I had. My sis suffers from PSTD, and I suffered from depression, stemming from cruel, heartless parents. I'm just discovering who I am as a person, instead of just surviving, and I'm learning how to love myself and receive and give unconditional love. I'm going to re-parent myself.

People, the only way to deal with these toxic, critical, empty, jealous souls is to run, not walk, far away. Their mind is so twisted, that you can never believe what they say. It's always a different version of a story every time you speak with them! They can never express true happiness or empathy for another person. When I decided to move to another state recently, crap hit the fan, and my mom tried so many manipulative tactics to make me stay, but I'm glad that I will be far away from her crap. My mother even stated that "Im leaving her", and that it's "not right for people to be independent".

Limit your time on the phone with them, and DO NOT divulge any pertinent information about your personal life to them, for they will use it against you, and always compare you to somebody else. They'll never feel happy for you; they'll constantly try to "one up" you. They try to instill fear, and suck you dry of any self confidence or positivity. They want their victims to be in a catatonic state of helplessness, where they can control and dictate your life to no avail, because you serve only to reflect upon them their false selves of what they'll never amount to in life. All their insecurities and issues will forever be projected unto you.

Now that I'm mentally and emotionally freed from both of my parents, I can truly live my life, and I have learned to provide the love and acceptance that they never gave me. I used to feel guilty that I do not love my parents, but I'm not anymore, after I realized all the traumatic mental, physical and emotional abuse they inflicted upon me.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. May all of you find your own happiness and self worth, because you all deserve to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated as special individuals.


Karline 5 years ago

My heart goes out to all of you with NPD parents. I read each persons' story, and completely relate! No one truly understands the torment of our souls, except for the victims that have lived through it.

I'm a 25 y/o female; I've always knew that something was not quite right with my mother, but I never could have pinpointed her mental disorder up until now. My friends throughout my life would joke alongside me that she was "crazy". I'd always be puzzled with disbelief at how other peoples' parents treated them with love and acceptance; I secretly wished that I had other parents, even to this day. Both of my parents are narcissists. Undergoing therapy for over a year has really helped, and I discovered through my therapist that my mother has NPD. I never even knew that this disorder existed! My parents divorced before I hit the age of 3. I was the scapegoat, while my sis was the golden child. I was sent away, at 6 years old, and separated from my sis, to live in another state with my abusive and neglectful stepgrandma; I also lived amongst foster care children and was maltreated alongside them. I was also diagnosed with depression at an early age of 8-11 years old. My mother up until today, plays the role of a sacrificial mother,victim and rescuer. She is a broken record; throughout my childhood she'd constantly remind my sis and I how she "sacrificed her life" to raise us, and how marrying our father was a mistake. She has fought plenty of times with me, and used to constantly throw it in my face how she "brought me back" to live with her again, after I contemplated suicide at the age of 11. Secretly and sadistically, she enjoyed my suffering at the hands of my cruel stepgrandma and step cousin's abuse. My mother made me the scapegoat because I "looked like my father". She'd make mean comments such as, I had a "pig-nose". She use to call me names such as "butch" and "dike" because I was a tomboy who didn't date in high school.

My mother never taught my sis and I how to manage money,date,dress properly, or anything about sex and menstruation. I starting working at the age of 15, and had to buy my own clothing, and took it upon myself to help with household chores and responsibilities. When I finally did hit puberty, she would make fun of me that I was a "grown" woman, and make me feel ashamed that I menstruated, instead of encouraging me to embrace my bodily changes. I also internalized my anger and depression of her by overeating, and when I put on weight (I was about 30 pounds overweight), she would make fun of me and say that I "put on weight" or that I was getting "chubby". And that's not all... she would try to make my sis and I jealous of each others' looks, or constantly try to instigate fights. One time my mother physically attacked me, and sent me to jail, because I stood up to one of her abusive boyfriends. She also made me sleep out on the hallway floor, so that she and her bf could have privacy, and she also had no shame in dressing provocatively and having loud sex in front of my sis and I. To this day, she is a hypochondriac, addicted to valium, and not one conversation does not revolve, or get diverted, back to her problems and issues. She likes to talk about her health constantly, and how she suffered with no mother (her mother died when she was 18 y/o). She never apologizes,but places the blame on others and her "health problems" and sometimes she will have crying spells just so she can get sympathy from my sis and I. She will talk behind my back to my sis. When I became a nurse (on my own) she tried to take credit for it, but never came to my graduation. Both my father and mother talked bad about one another to my sis and I. Basically, my sis and I grew up to only exist to live for them, to cater to them, and to "take care" of them. When I visit my mother, she acts as if I'm not even in the room! She will sometimes talk in third person, which is creepy. Basically, I'm her whipping boy child. My mom would even talk about her fantasies of her living with me forever so I could take care of her, and wishes i'd be single all my life, lol. She has no empathy or soul, as I don't see any warmth or emotion in her empty eyes. She never expresses happiness in my achievements. My mother also tries to make me feel guilty in that my life is "better than hers" because I went to college and achieved more than her. She will never, nor could, be the mother that I wish I had. My sis suffers from PSTD, and I suffered from depression, stemming from cruel, heartless parents. I'm just discovering who I am as a person, instead of just surviving, and I'm learning how to love myself and receive and give unconditional love. I'm going to re-parent myself.

People, the only way to deal with these toxic, critical, empty, jealous souls is to run, not walk, far away. Their mind is so twisted, that you can never believe what they say. It's always a different version of a story every time you speak with them! They can never express true happiness or empathy for another person. When I decided to move to another state recently, crap hit the fan, and my mom tried so many manipulative tactics to make me stay, but I'm glad that I will be far away from her crap. My mother even stated that "Im leaving her", and that it's "not right for people to be independent".

Limit your time on the phone with them, and DO NOT divulge any pertinent information about your personal life to them, for they will use it against you, and always compare you to somebody else. They'll never feel happy for you; they'll constantly try to "one up" you. They try to instill fear, and suck you dry of any self confidence or positivity. They want their victims to be in a catatonic state of helplessness, where they can control and dictate your life to no avail, because you serve only to reflect upon them their false selves of what they'll never amount to in life. All their insecurities and issues will forever be projected unto you.

Now that I'm mentally and emotionally freed from both of my parents, I can truly live my life, and I have learned to provide myself with the love and acceptance that they never gave me. I used to feel guilty that I do not love my parents, but I'm not anymore, after I realized all the traumatic mental, physical and emotional abuse they inflicted upon me.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. May all of you find your own happiness and self worth, because you all deserve to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated as special individuals.


Karline 5 years ago

I just wanted to add one more comment to my above post, lol.

My mother still treats me indecently by belittling me, and speaking in a condescending tone, as if I'm still a child. One time, she stated that I needed to "learn and grow up", but in the back of my mind I was thinking that she had never grown up, lol. She asked me today how old my boyfriend is (she referred to him by saying, "how old is this kid"), and I replied that he's a grown adult man, lol. In her eyes, I'm not a mature grown woman, who has been a victim of her and my father's abuse, but I'm forever a child that had no right to a voice, opinion, free will, or be able to experience love and acceptance.

People, just know that your narcissistic parents will never recover, they get worse as they age, and mostly they will try to monopolize on their ailments, because they love the attention and sympathy. They are sad and pathetic, bitter creatures, with no heart.

Peace.


blaqcheri profile image

blaqcheri 5 years ago from Greer, South Carolina

I am new to this hubbing experience but I want to thank you. I am not the only person that has a mother like that. I am 39 yrs old and still to this day I am not good enough. I am about to take a job that isn't high pay & out of character for me and she thinks I think dowm on myself because I am settling. She doesn't even realize I am this way because of her. I try to oblige her in so many ways but in the end i run and stay gone for years at a time. Funny there has never been a time when she was supportive in anything i did or said. Either she throws her ambitions and thoughts in or she throws God in my face. No one has a relationship better than hers. I wonder even to this day how my father has lasted this long because she is not bias to anyone she puts down. We are only here to serve her needs financially and nothing more. But again I want to thank you for allowing me to learn i am not the only person that seems to be dealing with this issue.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

One thing we need to realize is that we have to take back our power. Reposition our thinking and feeling that anyone has control over us, and start operating on our own behalf. The most important person we have to consider is ourselves.

We will never have the approval of our NM, so factor that out. We can still love the NM, but have to do so with the level of contact that works for us.

Take ourselves seriously and be able to speak to ourselves in a way that supports success and goals that make us happy. Surround ourselves with people who DO love and accept us. Live the life we deserve and earned. It takes practice, but it can be done.


Judy 5 years ago

It's so good to know that we are not alone. I am 63 years old and my elderly 93 year old narcissistic mother lives with me. No one else will deal with her. It took many, many years to figure out what the problem was because as you all know the problem is never their problem and always our problem. It wasn't until she moved in with me four years ago that I actually started researching mental illness and have come to the conclusion that she is a full blown narcissist.

I live day to day and we no longer speak to one another. We pass each other like two ships in the night. She constantly does little things to irritate me, but I will never let her see that she has, once again, hurt my feelings. I am learning how to avoid her and thankfully have a full-time job. I hate going home and do not look forward to the weekends any longer.

I pray everynight that she won't wake up in the morning, and am disappointed when I hear her steps above. I have two sisters. She lived with my younger sister for six years, but that did not work out. I believed all the lies she told me about my sister and invited her to move in with me. My sister begged me to reconsider and told me that I would regret my decision, but I did not listen to her and believed every rotten lie my mother told me. Needless to say, I have huge regrets about my choice and now I am stuck with this horrible creature.

She has spent my whole life ripping us up and tearing us apart. We were fortunate though because she left when I was 15 and I had very little contact with her until I was 26. Since then we have lived under her reign of terror. She tried to break up the family and succeeded in doing so for many years. However, my sisters and I are now back on track and my mother knows it. I have not confronted her with my belief that she is, in fact, a narcissist, but she knows something is different.

I would love to ask her to leave, but she is 93 years old and I have a heart even if she doesn't. If she leaves on her own I will not object, but I will not ask her to leave. I will continue to pray for her death and will embrace it when it happens. She is trying to make my life as miserable as she can, but she will not succeed. I no longer need her approval and am aware that she is incapable of loving me or anyone but herself. I have mourned the loss of the mother I will never have.

If anyone out there reads my comment, my advice is to never let your elderly narcissistic mother move in with you. She has tried to turn my life into a hell on earth. I can never let that happen and I won't. I am stronger than she realizes and not as weak as she thinks. I have learned to be strong as a result of having to deal with her abusive behaviour for most of my life. She has twelve grandchildren and nine great grandchildren and not one of them has anything to do with her. My sisters never call her and visit rarely. I suppose most of you know though that this is my fault because it sure isn't her fault.

It helps to rant and I thank you for the opportunity. I am stuck with this lost sole and she is lucky I am.


JoJo 5 years ago

I am soo glad to see this site and to read what you have all written. It is like reading my own life story. I always knew there was something "not right" with my mother but it was only when I became pregnant myself at 36 that I went into the mouring period for the mother I wanted.

I left home very early as did many of you on here. I left at 17 to work in a hotel and never came back. My sister left at 17 too. We couldn't wait to get away but didn't really know why it is soo difficult to put your finger on.

I have always stood up to my mother. It was like my role in the family. My dad and my sister dont really. So I was painted as the rebelious one. I think from what I have read on this site that my mum was much more the kind that tried to control us rather than ignoring us. Even when we were adults other people have commented on how she speaks to me like a child. It is very annoying.

One of my earliest memory is of her being horrible about my dad. But as a child I didn't see it for it was and decided that my dad was the problem. It is only now at my age that I am starting to have a great relationship with him. Divide and conquer is their moto. My dad at 79 has finally had it with her. Her old age has been a nighmare of made up health problems and extreme attention seeking which now has rendered her so unbearble I can hardly be around her.

What is soo hard is that she colours people 's perceptions and it is not unusual for me my sister and my dad to be told by "well wishers" that we dont "care enough" about her. However I dont know if anyone else feels like this but my mum has become soo awful that I honestly feel like she is trying to suck out my soul if I spend too much time with her(ie a few hours !).

It is not in my nature to be cruel so I find it so hard that I dont "care" about her. Sometimes I wish she was dead as i wonder how many more years she will inflict her misery on us all. I feel like our family was an experiment for her to take out all her bad feelings on. She wouldn't care if anything happened to me she is the last person I would tell if I had a problem.

so sad. I am a mother now and I so dont want to be like this. I hope I am not. I really dont think that I will push my son away when he has a problem or sufficate him so that he feels that he has to leave.

One of you mentioned that you have had a problem with boundaries in life and that is definitely my issue. i have only just realised it and I am working on it. There have been a few NP in life since mum and many I have not recognised until it was too late. I think I would now tho.

There is healing I think. When she is gone I will try to remember the good things that she did and that she was not always like that. I think as she has aged the essence of her has stayed and that is all that seems to be left.

I wish I could just walk away and I admire people that do but i feel it is my duty to still see her although I hate it to honest.

lots of love to you all. It was not our fault xxx


me too 5 years ago

Is the reason we 'don't care about them actually a good sign for us?

I have just managed to emotionally detach after 55 years, I thought it would never happen then suddenly one incident transformed all the trying to get her love into 'not caring'.

The reason I put inverted commas is because I don't believe we don't care. If we didn't care would we read or comment or even write.

I think it's not that we don't care, look how many find some way not to abandon them by even tenuous links, I think it's the beginning of acceptance, after all, there is no one there to care about, just a construction, a facade. And if anything like mine a very shallow one.

We operate in the real world, once you see there is no one there how could we continue to care. For my part I keep in touch but now I have relinquished any hope of being mirrored by her, she can't. I just wish my sister would not keep up the family myth so I felt someone who was there understood, but hey at least I can see a future now, just wish I'd realised it's not been me all these years but her and my emotionally abusive father who were to blame.

I found an excellent description of people like me from the work of Conrad Baars and Anna Terruwe. So I know where I've been, now where to go!!!

Warmest thoughts to you all.


Anna 5 years ago

This is the first time that I even knew this type of behaviour had a name!

I am 44 years old and two years ago I cut my mother off completely.

I have not been in as bad a position as some of the stories that I have read because my dad did manage to run some interference. But they got divorced some 20 odd years ago.

And now I add it all together-

My whole childhood I can only remember 1 or 2 incidents where she actually did something for me - and it was small things but I was so pathetically gratefull for what I got. My dad was the person who always did things for us, heated our clothes on winter mornings, fixed us breakfast etc. But he was working full time and studying as well, while she was supposed to be the full-time mother.

My friends were never allowed in my house, oh they were not chased away but I continiously had to listen on how pathetic they were, I was too afraid they would hear what was being said.

Incidents that happened that she now flat-out denies ever happened. The only problem is that we were more than one person at times eg. when the divorce was going badly she tried (key word) to kill herself using her handgun. My sister and I wrestled it away from her and thank goodness no-one got hurt as we could both have been shot. My sis tried to talk to her about it once and she denied the incident ever took place.

My achievements always got trotted out when she wanted to impress people and my faults and shortcomings when she wanted the sympathy.

The smallest headache would turn into a brain-tumour etc.

The crux came when she was nearing retirement and the month that she was supposed to retire, she wanted to join some of her friends on an overseas trip. The work refused to give her leave as it was her last month - she resigned. She told us - my sister and myself, who told her not to do it - that she did the sums and it would be financially a better advantage to resign. We were also told that our brother agreed to this. Yes well, who can guess, she was worse off financially and then decided to try and take my 68 year old father back to court for more maintenance, while he is getting a very small pension. I told her that this was the last straw, and until she takes responsibility for her own actions, I have had it with her. I also told my brother that as he gave her such bad financial advice, he can look after her when the money is gone (don't think for a moment that this has stopped her from spending a cent less on herself) He was very surprised as he answered that he also told her not to do it.

I am still polite to her at family functions, but I spend my time there speaking with my dad. She gets a lot of sympathy from her friends when she tells them what a horrible daughter I am, and what has she done to deserve this.

Of course she tries regularly to drive a wedge between me and my sister (who still has regular mother/daughter contact with her) but as we know the drill we check with each other before we believe a word she says.

I still allow my son to visit her - he was 16 when the break happened and I believe he knows the difference between us but he used to come back in the beginning very worked up as she tried to poison him as well. Unfortunately that tactic bit back as his general disposition is to talk back when he percieves a lot of nonsense. She went crying to my sister who told her she is doing it to herself.

In general my life is a lot calmer now that every little thing does not get dramatised or I get dropped at the last minute from an arrangement as one of the boyfriends snapped his fingers.

As for al the other courageous people I have read here - it does get better. I felt so guilty in the beginning and the recrimations from the family and friends that did not understand was hard, but it was worth it. And real friends do see the truth, but do not be afraid to tell it to them. The rest was not your friends in any case.


Christine 5 years ago

thank you


Christine 5 years ago

Dear all,

wow! What testemonies and life stories and to think we have all been through this and had no idea when we were young that such a thing existed. I am one of four sisters, the third, ha! The troublemaker. Unfortunately at least three of us should have been boys, you can imagine what my younger sister has had to go through. Of course it was my poor (inadequate, my mother's term for him)father's fault that she did not have a boy. So, four daughters (loved by dad, hurrah! - that saved us from complete mental breakdown but not from damage)and we have all felt as if we were either inadequate acolytes, or insufferable employees of the great goddess MOTHER who could do no wrong, and who could never utter that word that begins with s, ? That word s-o-r-r-y, goodness me no. So, four daughters, we looked after each other from the days we could walk, not realising we were known as the "neglected children" by neighbours. My mother meanwhile worked full-time, even Christmas Day (I HAVE to be on duty!) and when not at work was chairwoman for various committees etc. We meanwhile had unwashed hair and clothes. Poor dad, worked long hours but still played with us - lots of engineering toys I remember, but he hadn't got a clue about bath times and the importance of favourite dolls, and squabbles about who's pyjamas were whose. This tale could go on and on, but it isn't going to because my story has been written above by all you wonderful people. We have all reeled - aghast at what has been said, done and not done. Now my mother is alone, my three sisters live abroad and I have little contact. Her grandsons (my boys, how jealous my having sons makes her)less. What a shame for her. We had a meal at Christmas (ghastly) where she told us that My brother in law had told her that his son had landed an important job with a secretary (I knew of course, but she doesn't think we talk to each other)but hreaction wasn't how wonderful for him to have had this success, oh no! She said "He wasn't the first one in the family to have a secretary you know" ??? He is, and was. His success was something she could not bear. She can't stand her neighbours,talks behind her friends backs, and on and on. Do I forgive her for my lost childhood? No. Am I sorry for her? Yes. Her world is empty of everything except that which money can buy. A tragedy.


Hal 5 years ago

I think my mum is a MN. I can relate to so many of your posts. I always felt things were not right and was often scared of saying or doing the wrong thing at home when I was little, mum would explode with rage if I spilt something, or the house wasn't to her absolute perfectionist standards or if I would ask if a wee friend could come over for tea. I was always making life difficult for mum, putting her on the spot. I have never beaten, but the verbal she used on me was hard. As I grew up I had no privacy, she would read my diary, go through my waste bin and hand bag. I left home when I was 16, I needed space and managed to get myself a studentship and my life turned out pretty well. I met a man who was N and so was his father. Again, not knowing the signs fell into a very submissive role. I tried to keep relations with my mum and dad over the years. At the age of 34 I decided to do an undergraduate degree. I suddenly felt free and left my N partner. It was as if I was awakened. Within a year I met my now husband who has absolutely no N traits, in fact, I sometimes find it strange to be cared for when ill, or picked up from the train station with love and affection. When we announced to my parents we were getting married my mum went crazy. Nothing was right; my choice of man, the venue, the town the venue was in, it was all so unfair on her. The year running up to the wedding was terrible with demanding and abusive phone calls, tears every weekend from her and sobbing that I was so selfish and unloving and I didn't care about how she felt or her family (sisters). All I wanted was for her to say it's ok and it will be an amazing day. I invited her to my hen night where she told all my fiends what a bad choice of man I had made. This was the last straw. I would do anything for my mum to just accept me, but when I try and accommodate the goal posts change. My husband has seen her in full flow and she is so critical of him. My husband’s family have been and so have my friends...all in the past year. Before this it was much hidden and she would be charming to the point of sickly to others. Before my wedding in December I had a breakdown, I went to the Dr as I was sad all the time, crying at work, in the supermarket on the train etc. I have since been for counselling. I haven’t told my folks what happened and both I and my husband smiled through gritted teeth on our wedding day. It was a shame, but I'm feeling safe and stronger and I'm working though it. I have cut off from mum for the time being although get texts all the time asking me to call her. I just don't think I can face her...not just yet xxx


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Most of us would probably agree that we were molded to be defenseless and insecure, always looking for love and approval so they could get their own way and manipulate. Now is our time to turn the tables, and put ourselves first. This blog has given me the strength to finally act on what I want and pull back from the insanity. I can't cut off contact with my mother because my aunt would be alone with her, and they are both starting to suffer from dementia. However, I can stick to boundaries, and not buy into ridiculous demands. When the time comes and they need more care, there are plenty of options since I researched it on my own. For the first time in my life, I am setting the rules. It's like a weight has been lifted. No amount of whining or complaining will change my resolve. I wish all of you the best, and keep searching for the happiness you deserve.


nikki 5 years ago

Hi every one, my NM is doing the attention seeking thing.

She makes out she has all these ailments. When i visit, it's all about her. My life is non existent to her. Recently i've been thinking about my dad and how he emabled my NM to treat me the way she has all my life. I always favoured my dad, but i would never be like him, enabling such behaviour to my children. I grew up 2 sons, who are now in there 20's, they had all my love, protection, acceptance and a home to come to and have their space. I did the exact opposite to my NM. Reason being, the pain i went through all those years, i wouldn't wish that on any one.These NM are cruel beings. De tach emotionally and be careful not to be sucked in again, they manipulate and say things so you go back to them, for the next round of abuse. Be Aware on how NM speaks to you and keep your wits about you, or she will suck you in. POWER TO ALL OF YOU SCAPE GOATS x x x


reeltaulk 5 years ago

Narcissistic parents can only try that with the children that are more insecure. As a matter of fact they make it their business to make them feel insecure so that they can indulge in this type of abusive behavior. Any child that is confident and is aware of this game that their parent plays will not tolerate it.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello reeltaulk, you are so right.

thank you.


AVW 5 years ago

Oh my goodness I read this and died!! Like I am going through so much unnecessary stuff right now! And you're right they try to make you feel guilty Oh my goodness my mom is always like so you're just going to be like the rest of them and leave huh? just leave me here and I'm like what the heck!! I have to grow up!! I am so tired of it every single day we argue I don't understand and yes she is always right!! She cursed me out when I was on the phone with a client yesterday saying she didn't care if I was on the phone w/ God she is the mother and I do as she say..It's just crazy and I can't do it any more! She whipped out my account because she knew I was saving up to leave. I don't know what to do. smh Love the article it spoke to me.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

It is not clear how old you are and what kind of job you have, but if it is possible to move out asap, it would be a very good option. Setting boundaries and limiting your time with her is very important. You need to become more secure in yourself so you can love her and live your own life. She should want that for you, but NMs want what they want and they want you to get it for them.

I wish I had realized that when I was young. I went through many years of making her happy (over and over because it never lasted), at my own expense. For the last 20 years, I have slowly detached and live almost a double life. Because of her criticism, I rarely tell her much about myself. She has lost the right to comment on my life, since most of the time she is jealous and insensitive, cutting my off most sentences.

I'm 55 now, and thank goodness, met and married a wonderful man whose family taught be how a family should be. The only way I can spend time with my mother and her sister is to do it on my own terms. They are older and need help, but I do what is rational and don't give in to her unrealistic expectations of me. Never will she ever live with me, either. My husband would never stand for it (and he's a great person), and I would never ask him.

She gets mad when I don't give in to silly demands or ideas, but gets over it. I'm their transportation and entertainment, so she doesn't want to alienate me completely.

When you think about it, who is the only person who thinks badly of you? Your mother! There's something wrong with that concept, and it's not your fault. What mother grooms her child to be insecure so she can run your life?

Once I had children, I never wanted them to feel guilty or controlled, and my sons are grown and we have a great relationship! Both of them, though, see how their grandmother is and although respectful and loving, don't have a real relationship with her. She doesn't even realize it.

You need to examine what is going on, and decide what is and what is not working. There is no reasoning with a NM (don't waste your time), so you will have to make your own plan and stick to it when you are ready. You are an adult, and have your own life and achievements to pursue. You can love your mother, but stay detached from the insanity. After a while, she won't play those tricks on you, and if she does, you will have the strength to see it and put it in perspective. It really is true that you teach people how to treat you. Good luck, and put yourself first.


crystolite profile image

crystolite 5 years ago from Houston TX

Great work with wonderful question that needs urgent answer.


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 5 years ago

"When you think about it, who is the only person who thinks badly of you? Your mother! There's something wrong with that concept"...boy you can say that again!

I'll add to that. Who is the only person who you can't please? Your mother! Who is the person you can't trust? Your mother! It is the exact opposite of the relationship you are supposed to have with a mother. But you don't know that until you're older and start to talk to friends and see other mothers with their children. Especially when you have no siblings to share the experience.

My mother did nothing to prepare me for adulthood--a parents job. I was so naïve and lacking boundaries that I made many mistakes in my 20s. The biggest was that I married my mother! The man I married mistreated me for 12 years. And why didn't I "run for the hills" when the first abusive comment came out of his mouth? Because it was familiar. I was used to trying to get HER to love me and now I wanted to rectify it by trying to get HIM to love me. Guess what...I failed bother times! It's not possible for them to love you. There's no room for them to love you, they only love themselves. I agree with ALL who have commented on this aspect especially-- you just have to give up on their love. Not ever going to happen, no matter what you do, say, buy, achieve.

Now I'll say something positive about this experience. Having spent a lifetime trying to please my mother has made me a very successful person. I am very intuitive and know what makes people happy. Having jumped through all my mother's hoops has made it easy for me to succeed in business situations. LOL other than that, it sucks.

There is a tiny part of me that will grieve when she dies. I will grieve for the mother in my head. The one I dreamed up. The mother who asked me about school, who wanted to teach me how to cook, who wanted to spend time with me (I can literally not think of one thing I did with my mother as a child. She did her thing and I just ran around in the background), who listened to all my fears and comforted me instead of laughing at me. I'll cry because the hope of ever having THAT mother will be gone. And that's it. I won't miss the woman who calls herself my mother.


reeltaulk 5 years ago

Hey Nikki....... thx


reeltaulk 5 years ago

Man Only Child 2 I feel so sorry for you! I can relate some what to your experience. Only difference is I didn't seek the approval of those that were negative towards me. and from that I learned to developed a backbone from a very young age. (Didn't grow up with my biological family) But I will say this when you have a good heart as well as good intentions, it doesn't matter what your mother or anyone does, you'll overcome it. Look at you now, you are with someone that loves you as well as you're loved by your inlaws (that doesn't always happen) lol Best believe that you were fortunate enough to see through the madness sooner than never. Best of wishes to you and yours! Thx for the comment, even though this isn't my Hub lol CIaO btw Hey Nikki

Vonda G. Nelson


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello Vonda, you are welcome.

I'm in Oz, where are you from?

You come across as highly intelligent and i like reading what you have to say

ciao x


reeltaulk 5 years ago

I am from NYC, where is OZ. All of my information is on my profile just click on my name are you a writer as well


Nikki 5 years ago

Hi Vonda I'm in Australia.

I'm an amatuer writer and love my art.

I will look up your profile


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Boy, what a day! I try never to let my NM get the best of me, but today she was gunning for me. She got mad when I asked if she would like to food shop on Mon morning before I took her to lunch at a friend's (to save gas). She got mad at my aunt when my aunt asked her a question at the store, and said, "Listen, we're focusing on me right now."

Then she got mad when a woman who was obviously troubled kept talking to me in the coat department, because it took my attention away from helping her. She started to yell in the store that I made her feel like a second class citizen, and I told her calmly that we would take the conversation outside. Once there, she started to tell me how hurt she is and holds it in, and I let her have it in a calm tone. I told her that I had helped her, staying in the store with my aunt, going to help her find a coat, but nothing is ever enough for her. I put them in the car, and by the time I got back from returning the cart, they were talking about something else.

Despite the most careful person's setting of boundaries, keeping conversation harmless, etc. NMs just go off on occasion because it makes them feel good. I have enough self-confidence to let it go, but it's not any less distressing at the time. Like Only Child, although I love my mother, once she is gone, it will be difficult to miss the anguish she has put so many people through over the years.


reeltaulk 5 years ago

Wow, these comments and experiences is educating me in ways you guys would not believe. It is explaining so much, as I am doing the math in my head as I read..


graceomalley profile image

graceomalley 5 years ago

You've hit more than one nerve with this very well written hub.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello every one, hope things are going well.

I had a quiet, blissfull week. Kept away fron NM.

Have enough problems with depression, don't need her to remind me that i'm not worthy and the stupid box she keeps me in. She doesn't even know who i truely am, she sees what she wants to see, to make her feel better.

i think another week without her would benefit me and remind myself who i am, not what she thinks i am. You know keeping away, you get your identity back.

Talk soon x


reeltaulk 5 years ago

Very Good Nikki good for you, it is about that time to know who you are caring less what anyone thinks. If that individual is of any worth to you, they will take the time to know who you are. You're too grand to be put in any box.....ciao


Nikki 5 years ago

Hey Vonda, how are you?

Thanks for your comment. Every kind word helps a scape goat.

Thank you aml x


regret 5 years ago

But the legacy, what do we do about it. Has anyone got any ideas how to let go of the regrets caused by them. I'm not talking about the loss of them but about what they condition us to go without or feel we don't deserve. Lots of things have gone that way but my biggest regret is the freeze I experienced when encountering what I believe was my soulmate. We were so strongly drawn together but I just froze and gave the impression I wasn't interested when things looked like they would blossom, not because I didn't want it, I very much did and at that point in my life it would have meant so much, no I froze because I heard all these negative voices telling me bad things about myself and how it was stupid to think I could attract this person, or he would eventually realise how bad I was and would leave anyway or maybe he would be like them because I'd not made the best choices before and didn't want the pain. It all came at me at once and I couldn't move or speak and the window was gone. That was 5 years ago and whilst it's not so bad now I can't get rid of the regret that the conditioning was so ingrained that in middle age it prevented me from ending the solitude I longed to end. It was the thing I needed to finally make all the thoughts from my whole life about my parents not being quite right come together and demand to be addressed but the regret won't go away, especially as time runs out and the hope of returning opportunities diminishes. I must have looked like a statue for the longest time but inside I was racing listening to all these voices, trying not to show the very strong emotions as I'd always done as they were used as opportunities for ridicule and blame if they were ever seen. Any suggestions how to eliminate the last vestiges of regret since there is no way to fix it?


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Dear Regret,

If you were me, I would consider sitting down with a counselor to sort through your feelings, and learn how to have a positive dialogue with yourself. Accept the past, and make every day count from now on. Find happiness for yourself on your own terms. Also, once you feel better, think about joining a group that you can meet with that you enjoy, volunteer, and get involved. Maybe baby steps first, once you feel like you can join in. Can you have a pet? They are very therapeutic and love you unconditionally, but do involve a commitment. Think about it this way: you have the rest of your life to find peace and joy. What happens next is up to you, no one else. I wish you and everyone the very best!


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 5 years ago

Hmmmm...letting go of regrets. I think that is about forgiving yourself.

No matter what we have gone through as children, at some point in our adulthood we have to take responsibility for what we do NOW. If we've taken time to reflect on our childhood (as we all are doing in this hub) we'll be self-aware and realize what childhood experience causes us to react to situations in our adulthood. This is key for the children of narcissists.

If we don't take that time to figure this out (you're probably not reading this hub) and you're probably well on your way to becoming a narcissist yourself!

So from your comments you're aware of the negative voices in your head (your mother's voice), the fears of opening up and then having it used against you. That's good. Now YOU need to take control. You need to become your own mother. The mother you didn't have. The one you always wanted. You have to replace her voice in your head with your own voice. I think of it like the old devil on one shoulder, angel on the other.

When I hear myself thinking "Bad mother" thoughts (something negative or limiting as an adult) I replace it with my "Good Mother" thoughts.

A good mother would tell you that you are very worthy of being loved. You're not a bad person--you know you're not. You would make a wonderful partner. It's normal to be afraid when your doing something you've not done before. You need to do it because it is what's best for you. It will give you what you want. Your bad mother's not in control anymore. You've picking up where she left off. And a good mother would tell you not to beat yourself up for what you did yesterday when you were fearful and not as aware as you are today. Go forward knowing that you won't make that same mistake again because your eyes are open now and you'll be able to trust.

A good mother also says to not trust blindly. As children of narcissists we do not have good boundaries. I have learned to "filter" people until I know they can be trusted. I no longer ignore the uncomfortable feeling, red flag or intuition I get when getting to know people. Trust yourself. I have learned that people will tell you exactly who they are--listen to it. Don't give them the benefit of the doubt or think you can change them. If you don't like what they present, walk away. You will find someone you DO like.

You need to do this for love of yourself. Ever hear the saying "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else"? You must open up to find your true love. I know you can do it.


reeltaulk 5 years ago

Only Child........no one could have said it better! You hit the nail right on the head! Yes Indeed we all go through things that even as a child makes you go hmmm, wait a minute something aint right here. But as adults it is for us to know better, it is for us to do better, that's the whole reason and purpose some of us are fortunate to be successful, grow, mature and live longer than most do. Experience life at levels some aren't fortunate to. But for some, they do not take the initiative that you have Only Child, they would rather appease their parents for whatever insecure reason for false acceptance....Hell a false reality only to come into the world and take their frustrations out on those sent into their lives to help them heal. Thx for that Oh so refreshing comment Only in letting us know good parenting, mentors, guardians and friendships aren't formed through ones. Nothing is demanded, requested or ordered in order for one to be happy and mature.

P.S. Yes YEs Yes! I agree people Do tell you exactly who they are. It never fails, do the math

Vonda G. Nelson


Nikki 5 years ago

Hi all hope you're all good.

I have had another great week with out NM.

It's true that keeping away from her has many benefits.

Life is exciting when you realize that you're the only one in control and you have free will. I'm about to start an art course and redecorate my house. Finally!!!! letting go of NM is the right thing for my life. I have tried numerous times over the years to fix things with NM but it never changed, it was fruitless. No more guilt for me, it's time to let go and live.

talk soon

Nikki


Holly 5 years ago

I totally agree with everyone above. After some lengthy psychology counseling and support from my husband and other family members (most if not all) I am finally at a stage in my life where I accept that my mother is ill and there isn't much I can do about it. She is her own worst enemy. It's almost as though she is an alien from another planet, to the point where I think she may not only be Narcissistic but also has some tendencies toward Psychopathy. My dad is her enabler. I am not 100% sure what to do, but the fact that they live two provinces away from me helps, and I have blocked their phone number so they can no longer call me. It doesn't matter anyway, because even though both my parents are on the line, it is my mother controlling the conversation and my dad doesn't seem to have a thing to say to me. He always let her get away with any type of behaviour and never stuck up for me, or took my side, or his own side, or any side except hers. For a long time I knew my mother was sick, and felt 'oh she doesn't know any better' and because of this was easy to manipulate out of guilt. Trying to reason with her is like talking to a person with an addictive personality (you CAN'T reason with a drunk person or any person whose perceptions are filtered in such a way as to create fact out of fiction) or talking to a wall. She may appear apologetic or remorseful, but how can a person who doesn't understand what they are doing wrong be truly sorry for something they did? What she really feels is resentment and frustration and anger when she creates those very same feelings in other people. At some level though, I think she DOES know what she is doing. Sometimes she behaves as though she is clueless, but at the same time there are levels of conscious effort to deceive or hide truth or undermine. I am not sure what to think anymore, but I can't let guilt rule me anymore. I'm tired of feeling badly about myself after talking with her, or trying to defend my ideas and actions and way of life. Basically any time we talk it is like a collision of forces. She is the immovable force, always, because she never relents, never bends, never tries to compromise. It is usually me who ends up doing the compromising. I'm constantly biting my tongue because if I protest something she says, it's an instant argument. Constant struggle. Always a battle that you're never going to win. No peace. Well she no longer has any power over me. She never really did. It just took me a long time to figure it out for myself.


reeltaulk 5 years ago

Good for you Holly, you've come to learn where your true power lies....In You!


regret 5 years ago

To only child2 and only child.

Thank you thank you for your comments and good and wise counsel.

I was afraid to return here as I feared ridicule or being ignored, can you believe that even a community like this where I see so much support I still feared what I might find....I know you are the only people who will understand.

Your responses and words have been eloquent and kind, thank you again.

I will keep reading here, I wish you all very good things.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

The people on this site have helped to calm my fears, bring peace to chaos, and given me a voice to express the lessons I have learned in dealing with a NM. I first came here confused and feeling alone, but now know that I can gain strength from this community. Many of us have regrets, but we have to forgive ourselves and others, to move forward without the regrets. Each of us makes the journey as individuals, but support each other as a unique population of those who are striving to survive and overcome NMs. We'll have good and bad days, but hopefully in time the good will outnumber the bad. Taking back our sense of self and power helps us deal with the NM in our own way, and accept what we can live with. I come here for insight and inspiration, and am never disappointed by the kindness and support. This site has been a blessing, and I'm thankful for everyone here, and gloria, who started this hub.

We must become the change we want to see-Mahatma Gandhi


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello every one, hope all is well.

Hi Vonda how are you? Like your new pic. You have a great smile.

Still not seeing NM and life is free. I have decided that i haveto cut ties for good, no guilt at all, in fact i've decided to love myself and treat myself like i would a great friend. We all want love, so lets give it to our selves. We really deserve it. It's time.

Alot of you fellow friends that are new to this hub and can't get started on what to do, i suggest to read self help books, they are great. I suggest books that help with insecurities and the like. I'm sorry but i have to say this again, i feel free and great without nm in my life. Talk soon

Nikki


reeltaulk 5 years ago

Good Morning Nikki, I'm hanging in there.....thanks so much for the compliment! I recently came to a conclusion for myself. Even though I made a vow to stay away from negative people. For whatever reason I still entertain other negative individuals. I convinced myself that negative people are everywhere, which they are. But entertaining them is not acceptable...... I recently realized even though negative people are everywhere I don't have to entertain them regardless of whatever the situation is whether desperate or not desperate. Like negative individual NM fits in the same category. But once you remove yourself from these kind of people, appreciate the productive ones that have come into your life and move in a direction that makes sense as well as has longevity you will be A OK! For some of us we dont realize how plague-ful these people are. They bring confusion, sadness, pain, (if you are not strong mental illness), destruction, lies, deceit and division. They just want to make it everyone's business to feel the way that they feel, whether or not their actions make sense. Maybe they do try to be "Good" whatever...... but it's not sincere because they make no effort to be honest with themselves about their own issues. They would rather make someone INNOCENT suffer at the hands of whoever else has caused them pain. They are a revolving door, wanting everyone to walk through and keep walking through. I have put my foot down!!! I plan to leave these type of folks ALONE!!!!!! FOR GOOOD!!! It's always the same shit a different day! It's for them to just wallow in their misery. The fact that they rarely have anything positive to say, always thinking/behaving negatively, believe everyone is like or supposed to be like them is ludicrous. I can't even say I feel for some folk who have not been so fortunate in regards to not taking on their NM tendencies or negative whoever because at some point they know the things that they are doing is wrong, but choose to entertain and engage them. The only reward for that is to reap their ways a well as their Karma. The same applies for entertaining negative people! Before you know it you will be behaving and thinking like them! Enjoy you week Nikki and best of wishes to you and yours CiAO

Vonda G. Nelson


Kristin 5 years ago

I am the daughter of a narcissitic mother as well. After years of doing anything and everything I knew to do to try and fix the relationship with my N mother, I finally walked away back in January of 2010. Since then, my life has improved exponentially. I couldn't have done it without the support of my wonderful husband as well as my DoNM sisters over on the DoNM board. If any of you would like someone to talk to who's been there and knows what it's like to live with a narcissist, please feel free to join us on the forum over at www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. It's not my board but the ladies that run it are SUPER nice. The main board is chock full of information about NPD and the forum is full of wonderful ladies (and a few gents!) who are kind, caring and supportive.

I hope to see some of you there!

Kristin


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello every one, hope all is well.

Still keeping away from nm and i feel much better.

Does any one know why the fathers we have, become enablers of nm. I'm baffled about that, any help?

Thanks Kristin, good web site.

Hi Vonda aml x

talk soon every one.


reeltaulk 5 years ago

Hey Nikki----I believe like any other situation they themselves have their own issues and disfunction's and for whatever reason co sign on this kind of behavior to keep whatever relationship they have with this individual. If they were to work on their own issues and free themselves of that which binds them, they would in no way tolerate or encourage the behavior that the other person is exhibiting. Maybe they have no backbone or no friends and this person has "made them feel good about themselves" whatever..... Anyone that encourages or co signs on things that are blatantly wrong and unacceptable tells you so much about them......I'll say three words, Misery Loves company!


OnlyChild 5 years ago

I agree with reeltaulk and would add that (just like us) something in their childhood prepared them to "accept" this behavior as normal. Speaking for my own father and his brother, they both married demanding narcissistic women. Coincidence? I don't think so. All you have to do is look at their mother and you will see who set the stage for them to accept the behavior of this kind of woman.

It is really amazing how we two types of people can find each other in the midst of all those other choices. How many of you know women who's fathers were alcoholics and then they go and marry an alcoholic? We gravitate to the familiar. It's human. It's amazing.

Unless you make a conscious effort to look at a problem in your family's past, I believe generation after generation will repeat the pattern.


reeltaulk 5 years ago

It's funny how you say we gravitate to what's familiar. .......you made me think about how we gravitate to what's familiar Even when if it is hidden under a thick facade! Ugn, and refuse to "try" anything "new"


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello every one.

Thank you for the above comments.

My father knows what he condoned was wrong.

He showed me alot of love and care, through all those years of hell with nm. I remember back when i was 7 years old and nm cursed me, saying "i hope you get a heart disease, i should of killed you when you were a baby"

I remember my father getting very angry with nm.

I turned out to be a strong woman and i know that takes the guilt off my father.

He really sticks by nm, especially more so now.

He is not allowed to talk to me or call me. he just does what nm says.If i look back, he did let nm abuse me in lots of ways and that hurts.

On the brighter side i cut them off for good and slowly notice myself changing and realizing that the things i have done in my life were because of me being the scape goat for nm. It's like you start to see reality without nm. talk soon my friends x

Nikki


Katelyn 5 years ago

I have a NM and a terrible father. Even my brothers are cruel. After years of cruelty I finally said no more contact except via a therapist with my mom. My Grandmother died and I called to offer sympathy and she was so weird and mean that I think even now that she has a mediator, I don't want anything to do with them ever again. I'm practicing some spiritual beliefs as an experiment and maybe they could change. But I doubt it. I think, overall, I'm going to leave forever. And it feels good! Yay!


Only Child 2 5 years ago

You are wise to work with a therapist, and to put yourself first. What I have learned about the NM is that although I could not (and am not responsible for) get her to change, I could change the way she treats me and how I react to her; should have done it years ago. I have removed most opportunities for NM to manipulate, argue, insult, etc. If she starts in on me, I either come down on her so swiftly and calmly that she stops, or I remove myself from the situation and limit contact until she is more respectful. If she were worse, which she used to be, I would go NC, but for now, LC works pretty well. Since my NM is now showing signs of senile dementia, it is effecting her cognition, judgement, reasoning. In some ways, it is good, in other ways, not so good.

Adding the spiritual component is of great help, for those who acknowledge that they need to change, and you seem to be open to it. It's my foundation and how I cope with my NM and the memories. Be with people who are supportive, and find peace and happiness from within. It DOES feel good!;)


nikki 5 years ago

Hi every one

Have cut off from nm for a while now.

had a call from nm yesterday for the 1st time since i cut off.

i cut the call short and asked her what does she want in a bad tone.

then i said some one is at the door, i have to go. i felt great and no guilt, cutting off was right for me. she wants to control again she needs her fix, but this scape goat has escaped and left the cage. talk soon x


reeltaulk 5 years ago

LmaO @this scape goat has escaped and left the cage.....good for you Nikki!


nikki 5 years ago

Hey Vonda, thank you for your support and i love that smile.

Hows things with you?

AML x


jennreed1973 5 years ago

wow - i can't believe i am posting on here but when i read all of this i finally realized i was not alone. i have been subject to this my whole 37 years on this earth. my father passed away on the 23rd of december. on the 27th of december my mother crossed the line. my 13 year old daugther was extremely close with him and it broke my heart. my father was the greatest man that walked the face of the earth in both her eyes and mine. that evening, which was the night that we had his memorial (granted emotions were high) i took my daughter upstairs to get some rest. my mother proceeded to run up the stairs at me with fists of fury screaming that i gave him cancer (he was diagnosed and passed away within 7 months) and i killed him out of my own selfishness. my husband shut the door while my daughter cried, my mother proceeded to bang her fists bloody until the door had holes in it, shouting things i can not repeat, kicking, telling me she hated me, i was a mistake, i should never have been born (heard that a million times before). but the fact that she did it in front of my daughter was the final straw. after 37 years of emotional abuse she crossed the line. my child never knew what she had done to me my entire life and in one evening (the worst evening of her life, my life and the woman who raised me and my father who protected me) it just all came out and because of her. my husband can easily walk away and my mother can as well. but i am left with my daughter wondering why her grandmother was so cruel to me, wondering why i we had to call the police because she eventually did break the door down and attacked me; and then very quickly calmed herself like nothing happened. How do you explain that to a child who has never been exposed to that? I have woorked so hard to not expose her to the narcissim that I have been subjected to and have been aware of every day of my life. almost too aware?


reeltaulk 5 years ago

You know I may say a few things that some people wont like....but Oh Well! An aquaintence of mine was randomly speaking of mental illnesses yesterday and he was trying to explain it to me. Way, because I have a hard time believing it. The fact that your mother can escalate to a level as such and then within sconds revert "back to being calm" is, I won't call it psycho. That more like wtf scary! No adult much less a child should have to endure that experience. No one should have the pleasure of having to remember that 10-20 years later while they are relaxing or "reminicing". It's crazy what some adults to children mentally only to turn around and place the burden of responsibility on them. These types of people end up suffering in ways that you would never imagine. I hope that you and your daughter will remove yourself from that type of energy. Passing the buck and playing the blame game is only done when that individual cannot deal with what they know they have done. Its a never ending case of immaturity and responsibility. If they can be "crazy" enough to "trump up false charges" they are past being a danger to themselves, but is now a danger to everyone else who encourages this.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello every one, hope things are good. I have cut off from nm for awhile now. I feel good about it. Alot of things come into my mind unexpectedly, about my life with nm. I now know i did nothing wrong, i wasn't abnormal, i wasn't bad, i wasn't a nobody. i was a victim of nm and an enabling father. Cutting off is a great way to get your true self back. It's normal for the mind to heal itself after leaving a life time of abuse.Thoughts get in your mind and you really realize how bad you have it with nm. Let go and live your true life. talk soon x


Only Child 2 5 years ago

It is amazing to me that so many of us have uncooperative, ungrateful NMs who want it all their way, all the time, whether is makes sense or not and also ruins our peace of mind with undue stress. Some of it can be related to them being older and having dementia or health conditions, but some of it is from just plain being difficult and unreasonable due to being NMs.

Such wasted energy on arguing and demanding, when there are so many proactive options and solutions that are available, and they have the money and/or the health care to cover it.

Three years ago, my NM and aunt refused to get 24 hour care for their sister in her home, even though I pleaded with them. She fell down the stairs, broke her back, and died a painful death. It was heartbreaking.

Now, my NM is 84, in the early stages of senile dementia, and trying to manage my aunt, 88, who is incontinent, wandering, seeing and hearing things, and paranoid. They live in an apartment, and I have helped them for over 5 years, taking them food shopping, doctor appts, etc., plus I work part-time. I have tried for over a year to get them to agree to have a family friend come in another day to do light housekeeping, and get meals on wheels, etc.

Last night, my NM hung up on me because I made a few suggestions to her about the situation when she called me to complain, saying I was sarcastic and rude. My husband was right there, and he said I was calm and being reasonable. It's a real shame that even though we are devoting much of our lives and love to our NMs, they make it even harder. I wish I had gone no contact long ago, but now it is an issue of trying to stay humane, keep them safe, and not lose sight of myself.

Thanks for being one place I can go to express these thoughts and to regain some strength and hope.


kelj 5 years ago

These stories ring so true. I have just read each and every one, and I am disturbed, shocked to realise I have got a NM too. I knew there was always something wrong with my mum's behavior, but now I know what. I grew up, my parents divorced, and my dad always seemed to favor me over my sister, and my mum favoring my sister likewise. Anyway, my dad left; my mum got a new boyfriend, and I was eight and he didn't like me very much. He used to say I reminded him of his brother, who he disliked. He used to dish out completely over the top punishments, getting my mouth washed out with soap for saying the word fanny, and banning me from things, grounding me for months for the most trivial of "bad behavior." My sister was treated like a princess, because she behaved. She mimicked my mum and her boyfriend's behavior, criticising me incessantly and makign me feel like the family idiot. For things I would wear, or choose, or look like. She wouldn't talk to me at school, because she said I embarrassed her. I had no self-confidence at all. I thought I was a big problem. I was also sexually abused by my cousin, and it was all brushed under the carpet, like I was a "liar" and made it all up. I didn't have a lot of cloths, and used to buy my own stuff. My sister ad everything, new trainers, new coats, new trousers for school, new this, new that. As I approached my late teens, Mum's boyfriend left, and the criticism came from her and my sister ten fold. Everything was criticised, and they used to tell me I was crazy and needed "help" when I used to suggest that I sat down and tried to talk to them about stuff calmly. I used to get shouted at, blamed for things for just being me. I used to think that I was not worthy of anyone or anything.

I finally left,after moving in with a boyfriend, pretty much went from the frying pan into the fire, going to one bad relationship into another, going out with complete jerkoffs. Screwing up jobs, and college courses, deluding myself that I just wasn't good enough.

I met my current partner of eight years, and slowly my life and confidence turned around. I started to realise things, and the biggest revelation I have had, is that I am ok, am a decent person and not the problem. It's the other people who are sick, not me. I am still loving and caring, after all i have been through. All i want to do for a career, is help other people and do some good for other people in their lives. I am about to sign up volunteering at a local centre for over 50's. And sign up for a course to do health/social care at my local college. And I am happy.:) Thank you for help in realising what I have realised.

Since I read this a few days ago, I haven't spoken to my NM. And I am debating whether I want to or not.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hi every one, hope all is well.

To the comment above me. You will know when to cut off from nm when it feels right for you. I'm in my 40's and it was the right thing to do.I feel good and feel normal and it's exciting to see your real self. All the thoughts and descicions i make, i double check, to see if it's me or nm's thinking. It's great you want to help people. also, look after your self. talk soon x


Having a moment 5 years ago

Hello everyone, I've read everything here and I usually don't talk to people about this, but I'm having a little trouble at the moment.

I've been doing pretty well for about eight months now with only a mild wobble along the way but I am having a full blown panic/depression going on about an incident on Sunday.

A little background, I'm one of those who ended up totally incapacitated by my parents disorders and became a total recluse for ten years, a few years ago I got myself straight, met up with an old friend and fell in love....whoa major narcissist, I went to spend christmas and there was another woman there. Total tailspin, just out of major depression for years and years and hit with that. Returned to my own town and a couple of months later my father died and at the same time my brother in law got diagnosed with cancer and died 2 years later.

Now in all that time no one ever asked how I was or came to visit me so I was totally alone with the odd phone call so it didn't strike me as odd when no one has ever asked how I'm doing or spends time with me.

Sorry long background.

Anyway my mother and sister go to the cash and carry about once a month and ask if I want anything, I usually stock up with real coffee there because it's cheaper.

This time they brought it in as usual so I stayed at the door because I've just recently given up asking if they want to come in to visit because they have NEVER ever said yes (major feelings of rejection and abandonment for me every time...they don't know this we don't do honesty in my family and I would be abused and told they didn't do that so I don't bother).

Well this time they said they would come in which annoyed me because my flat was a mess and I never see anyone or speak to anyone (long time as a recluse there is no one in my life and I don't trust enough to venture into new relationships in my 50's so I go the loner route, I don't like it but that's how it is) so it would have been nice to know they were coming, I always feel this keeps me in a one down position where I feel like the poor relation (I actually am but don't like to feel it) when they just decide to do that.

They wouldn't have a cup of tea and my mother just looked at me expectantly like I was supposed to carry the whole thing on her whim.

I'm so over feeling angry but I was feeling disrespected, so I told them quite calmly and honestly how I felt.

We talked for about a minute about my mum's impending move then they got up and left only having been here about 2 minutes.

Now being constantly isolated I find this deeply disturbing to have them whoosh in then go immediately, I find it really disruptive, it may be that such long illness has made me strange but this is my house and they never ever visit.

The next day on the phone to my mother she told me she was uncomfortable which irritated me so I repeated how lacking in respect it was and how hurt I was at the disruption and I wouldn't mind if they did it all the time but they have never visited me all the time I've lived alone which is about 17/18 years. I asked my mother did she not know she was hurting me or did she not understand. SILENCE. Total silence, she said nothing for ages I almost thought she'd hung up then she spoke and with great annoyance told me how uncomfortable she was!

Now all this is normal, not answering me, not listening, not caring and I'm used to it, I don't like it but it doesn't tear my heart out any more but what I'm struggling with, the point I wanted to get to was I'm falling apart a bit here because I keep feeling it's my fault and I should raise the subject again just to reassure her. I'm not going to do that and I do feel I was justified, I'm just a mess right now with the old cycle playing in my head.

I was a mess after being cheated on, full of new hope with my recovery I couldn't believe I could be so lucky to find love, I'd never anticipated that (I can't stop it now thanks to him) and I was a complete wreck but I looked after my mother for years after my father died even though I got so ill again I kept doing it but they've never acknowledged my pain or my problems and I don't expect that but this incident has just had me going on the old hamster wheel, seeing the nice little old lady and not the cruel, cold, mean, abusive mother. I hit the boards because that usually gives me the support I need when I read through them, I don't post, but I'm getting those old feelings of my fault again.

I feel all lost and alone and don't want to fall into feeling a bad person again so I found this and I think I'm rambling.

Like I say I'm doing o.k mostly and though I've had some wobbles this is the worst one since I became emotionally detached.

Does it never end.

I just keep thinking how awful I could that to my family but I know I didn't 'do' anything and what made them uncomfortable was my honesty because we've never done it and I truly believe it was that because rather than see it as truth and me being honest about how I felt they blamed me for their discomfort.

If I repeated the times they did that to me in public when I was a child, yell at me then ignore me for days and I wouldn't know if they stopped being mad at me for being me, I still don't know if they've stopped.

My sister refuses to have it that they abused me, she follows their denial willingly but I could never do it. As a child I couldn't understand why no one spoke the truth and the truth always got me punished but I like truth even if it's not what I want to hear.

I'm sorry I have rambled, I really am in that place. I'm going to go now.

Thank god you're here.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hi every one, hope all is well.

To the above person, you are not alone on your feelings, we all here on this hub, have nm. Don't isolate your self, you deserve to live your life. Baby steps are great. i have 2 dogs that i walk every day and it's fun, you could try something new. Forget your family in the way that they will never change, you can't change them, take care x


Only Child 2 5 years ago

I agree with Nikki; being with others affirms us and helps us move forward. Start small, gain your confidence, and enjoy life. We have to find peace from within, and can only change ourselves and our reactions to others. These are skills that I have gained from counseling, and friends and family who love unconditionally. I wish the same for everyone here, because we deserve it and should claim it.


lindah 5 years ago

i grew up distressed wondering what was wrong with my mum and why she did the things she did.she tortured me physically and emotionally and made sure she would rip to pieces every dream that i had since i was the tender age of five.I wished my mum would love me like she did my brother but it was only just a dream .she would throw me on walls, push me against grills and made sure to leave a mark.Nobody would believe me and thought i was delusional despite of all my scars visibly showing.My dad couldn't help he was insecure,abusive and an alcoholic he would also be cruel to me by calling me names and hurting me for very minor reasons.I was stuck all alone and had to endure this for 13yrs without anyone knowing about my dilemma.I contemplated suicide a couple of times but couldn't get the strength to do it because i figured there was more to life than what i was going through and i wanted to live long enough to know.I eventually got depression and have had a nervous breakdown three times.I finish my primary education and went to high school far away from my parents but they used this to torture me my Dad never paid my school fees till i finished and my mum never cared whether i was alive or not when i would go home for holiday my dad would get drunk and kick me out stating that he never wanted to see me ever again or hit me to get me scared enough to leave all this was enticed by my mum.My brother also grew to hate me and would often hit me when my dad wasn't around to do it.In my final year of high school.I was to be married off to a man I didn't even know but lucky for me I passed my Exam to join the university so now am working hard to discover who i really am I have grown strong enough to stand up to my mum.I have embaced the fact that she doesn't love me because she doesn't deserve a daughter like me in the first place.I made a decision that guilt is not working with me so she can take her grievances somewhere else and created boundaries not to feel hurt by anything she does because she is not worthy in the first place nobody who hurts me is including my fathers.My friends got tired of helping me,spoke about me behind my back and discouraged me from looking forward to the future because of my past but God is simply amazing He gave me the strength to come this far and am going further REM:There is no need for anyone to tell you your preety to make you feel beautiful and if they don't appreciate you its their loss and not your.I honestly don't know if they found what they were looking for in my brother but they are missing a lot.I will appreciate who i am and stop looking for comfort from my friends because they don't have a clue on how it feels to be the daughter of N/parents and how it feels to be in my shoes then am probably hanging out with the wrong crowd but one day they will look for me and regret what they did am sure because what comes around goes around.I really love me right now .Love you guys for sharing your stories and be strong enough to discover what could have been.Am 18 by the way.xoxo


lindah 5 years ago

i grew up distressed wondering what was wrong with my mum and why she did the things she did.she tortured me physically and emotionally and made sure she would rip to pieces every dream that i had since i was the tender age of five.I wished my mum would love me like she did my brother but it was only just a dream .she would throw me on walls, push me against grills and made sure to leave a mark.Nobody would believe me and thought i was delusional despite of all my scars visibly showing.My dad couldn't help he was insecure,abusive and an alcoholic he would also be cruel to me by calling me names and hurting me for very minor reasons.I was stuck all alone and had to endure this for 13yrs without anyone knowing about my dilemma.I contemplated suicide a couple of times but couldn't get the strength to do it because i figured there was more to life than what i was going through and i wanted to live long enough to know.I eventually got depression and have had a nervous breakdown three times.I finish my primary education and went to high school far away from my parents but they used this to torture me my Dad never paid my school fees till i finished and my mum never cared whether i was alive or not when i would go home for holiday my dad would get drunk and kick me out stating that he never wanted to see me ever again or hit me to get me scared enough to leave all this was enticed by my mum.My brother also grew to hate me and would often hit me when my dad wasn't around to do it.In my final year of high school.I was to be married off to a man I didn't even know but lucky for me I passed my Exam to join the university so now am working hard to discover who i really am I have grown strong enough to stand up to my mum.I have embaced the fact that she doesn't love me because she doesn't deserve a daughter like me in the first place.I made a decision that guilt is not working with me so she can take her grievances somewhere else and created boundaries not to feel hurt by anything she does because she is not worthy in the first place nobody who hurts me is including my fathers.My friends got tired of helping me,spoke about me behind my back and discouraged me from looking forward to the future because of my past but God is simply amazing He gave me the strength to come this far and am going further REM:There is no need for anyone to tell you your preety to make you feel beautiful and if they don't appreciate you its their loss and not your.I honestly don't know if they found what they were looking for in my brother but they are missing a lot.I will appreciate who i am and stop looking for comfort from my friends because they don't have a clue on how it feels to be the daughter of N/parents and how it feels to be in my shoes then am probably hanging out with the wrong crowd but one day they will look for me and regret what they did am sure because what comes around goes around.I really love me right now .Love you guys for sharing your stories and be strong enough to discover what could have been.Am 18 by the way.xoxo


Only Child 2 5 years ago

To Lindah - you are so brave, and have overcome so much turmoil in your young age! Success is the best revenge, so do your best in school and cherish your freedom and ability to make anything possible. I wish you the best!


lindah 5 years ago

realised that my aunt is also N and i fear for her children.They always hang out together till 01.00am then she comes home and goes to bed.My Aunt is jealous about anything and anyone and i honestly feel pity for her.How can you enjoy living that type of a life?They entice each other to hate on anyone who they deem is better than them.I look at them from a distance and chuckle coz they need mad help.nyway am living and loving life.mad love for you guys.


lindah 5 years ago

they refers to my mum and aunt


kelj 5 years ago

the problem is them, not you, i have realised! they are the sick ones, not you. my dad (abusive alcoholic, woman beater, selfish) i don't have anything to do with now. he is toxic, i have told him, he won't help himself and now i am pulling away from my mum slowly but surely. i no longer feel bad or guilty for things that were allegedly "my fault." my mum is toxic, but can't see it. my friends told me the other day they can't understand why i even speak to my family still. i can't fathom to understand why a mother would even let her own child be abused and do nothing about it? if i had kids, and that happened to my child, i would be straight down the police station!

my sister still tries to belittle me. the other day, she left a comment underneath a pic of me when i was 5 years old, saying "what happened!?!" referring to how cute i used to look as a child and possibly because now i have short hair and tattoos. her boyfriend is a judgmental dick too. i deleted the picture and the comment of FB because i didn't want to rise to it; negative energy is what these leeches feed off. but i don't really care what she thinks. not anymore.x


Having a moment 5 years ago

Hi Nicki and Only child (and everyone but these guys answered my post), thank you so much for your responses, I feel so silly that I wrote here but journaling just wasn't enough and it was comforting reading I wasn't alone though I'm sorry you have all been through this.

I do so agree that isolation is not the right thing to do but I still struggle with what is normal and I can't bear to see that look on people's faces when I maybe haven't go it right, I try really hard and think I seem normal but it's obvious I don't and I find the whole interaction thing so utterly wearing. I'm hoping that will change as I become more accustomed to the emotional detachment. It's not so long ago I wouldn't speak of it at all, you know how it is you get that immediate knee jerk reaction 'they're you're parent's of course they love you', have you ever heard a bigger crock!

Anyway we always have to ignore any problem so nothing is ever addressed and now she's doing the punishment thing, didn't like something I said on the phone and started to blab nonsense loudly over me to drown it out....wtf! It's like having a 4 year old around all the time with absolutely no hope they will grow into the age of reason, but I've had it....why does she imagine this is a punishment. She won't call me and I'm sooooo tempted to just leave it now, I can't see no contact could be so bad since she brings nothing to my life. Any one done this and how is it going?

Thanks again guys your input is sound and appreciated.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Maybe it's me, but since I hit 40, I really don't worry about what anyone else thinks, except for those who I trust and are respectful and decent to me. I am very fortunate to have a small group of trusted friends, family, and my husband and sons who don't mess with my mind or heart.

This could sound rather silly, but I have gone no contact in my heart, even though I still help my mother and aunt two days a week. By this, I mean that I have closed off the biggest part of me to them, since it's too risky to let them in. They would tear me down if I let the guard down, and I've learned that their kind of love (or whatever it is) is poisonous to me. Out of respect and love, I do what I can, but they don't even know me or want to. They are too consumed with themselves.

If your mother hasn't called you, maybe it's time to try no contact and see where it goes...

It's a shame that we have to look to each other for strength, but I am ever grateful to be able to do so.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hi Having a moment, you're welcome. Hi to all, hope all is well.

Been cut off from nm now, for 3 months. She called me and i told her firmly that i'm not her daughter any more and not to call again. She made my father come over, to do her dirty work for her. I didn't answer the door, because it sickens me that he enables this shit to carry on. I'm expecting her to use some one else to do her stalking and to get me back into weird world. I know this is all about controll, it's not about love, remember that. I am never going back. I am so much better without her. To Having a moment, don't be hard on your self because you don't like socializing, it's understandable. You have put up with so much abuse, that only us with abusive families can only understand.Take care my friends, talk soon x


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hi, Nikki.

I admire your strength! Each of us does what works best for her in the particular situation. You can feel when what you are doing is right, because the peace within is incredible.

I was thinking about something you said in an earlier post, about why the spouse enables. I'm not sure about that exactly, because my parents split up, and then my mother has lived with her sister since then. My aunt is the enabler. She does try to assert herself, but there is no winning with the NM. So, my aunt gives in and enables to get by. The ironic part is that now my NM is caring for my aunt, and she is no caregiver. The focus is not on her, and she is not a happy camper. But because she won't accept in home care or consider senior housing, she has created her own hell. Kind of ironic, huh? I have walled off my life and emotions, as I mentioned earlier. I know that is passive aggressive, but that works right now.

Thanks for all of the insights and understanding. It is priceless.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hi only child 2, thank you for your comment.

I used to do what you are doing with nm. The caring, the bringing to doctors, ect. You have strength as well to put up with all that. You are a survivor. Make sure you do something every day for your self. Something you enjoy.

I'm dreading this week, knowing nm wants to talk. She'll do something so that i will go back. I have large front windows at home and i can see who is at the door. so that's an advantage he he.

You're right about the timing of leaving nm for good.You know what you're doing and you know what works best for you. Just remember nothing ever stays the same. This is a season you are going through, it will end and hopefully Spring will come for you. I gave nm too many chances over the years. She is so sick mentally, but she knows what she's doing to people. It's like she's evil or posessed. It's great to be rid of that. Now i can live my life. New chapter but this time no dragon.

Take care special one, talk soon x


Nikki 5 years ago

Hi only child 2, thank you for your comment.

I used to do what you are doing with nm. The caring, the bringing to doctors, ect. You have strength as well to put up with all that. You are a survivor. Make sure you do something every day for your self. Something you enjoy.

I'm dreading this week, knowing nm wants to talk. She'll do something so that i will go back. I have large front windows at home and i can see who is at the door. so that's an advantage he he.

You're right about the timing of leaving nm for good.You know what you're doing and you know what works best for you. Just remember nothing ever stays the same. This is a season you are going through, it will end and hopefully Spring will come for you. I gave nm too many chances over the years. She is so sick mentally, but she knows what she's doing to people. It's like she's evil or posessed. It's great to be rid of that. Now i can live my life. New chapter but this time no dragon.

Take care special one, talk soon x


Only Child 2 5 years ago

This prayer has helped me to concentrate on today, and make the most of it:

http://www.nhal-anon.org/Just4Today.html


Nikki 5 years ago

Hi every one, hope all is well.

I'm doing really well without nm.

I feel like i have grown up.

Only child 2, thanks for that prayer, i saved it.

How are things going at your end?

Take care

Talk soon x


lindah 5 years ago

hi life is simply amazing.i created an activity everyday that i loved as a child but never got the chance to do so like my birthdays were always horrible coz they were always ruined but this time i buy myself a piece of cake and sing happy birthday to myself n end up feeling wonderful or on valentines day i buy myself a bouquet of flowers just to celebrate myself.i am not yet in a relationship coz i believe am not ready the heartache i have gone through needs to heal and the thought of getting that wound open is just unbearable.I give all the glory to God ,every time i cried in a dark corner coz of this he knew that someday i would be strong enough to move on and for HIM make something out of my.people we are so beautiful if we could only stop seeing ourselves from a NM point of view and see ourselves the way God sees us.He did give us the strength to go through it and to write on this blog today.ever asked why you've never given up and killed yourself?coz so many have done it....its cause He was with you every step of the way even if you didn't realize it.so celebrate yourself.No mistake is too big to pick up the pieces and move on.We might have done something damn cause of them but we can forgive ourselves.I rem i was kicked out and was homeless for months then got raped,i was so hurt but i was strong enough to forgive myself and decide which direction my life would take.The most painful part was coz i was saving myself for my husband.....but i had to take a stand and say enough was enough.I would stop feeling pity on myself coz i may have had a bad start in life but i will have a great finish.I hope i have encouraged some of you cause we are all in this together.Hope and pray God will give me the grace to persevere coz i still live with them any way....i believe that its their loss and they don't know what a wonderful,beautiful,smart and talented daughter they have and am sure its the same with all of you.REM:LIVE,LOVE AND CELEBRATE YOURSELF COZ THERE'S NO ONE LIKE YOU ON PLANET EARTH AND THEY WILL NEVER BE ANYONE LIKE YOU EVER NOT EVEN IN CENTURIES TO COME......think about it!!!!!


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hello!

I agree - life is amazing! We need to see the beauty of the moment, take back the joy that is ours, and make new memories. I like the idea of doing things for ourselves that our NMs didn't do. Only we know the void that needs to be filled. I had never thought of it this way. But it is very true. We have to rethink our idea of seeking it from our NMs. Sadly, we didn't know they couldn't give it to us. And, when you think about it, our NM didn't know it, either. I think if we live every day celebrating what we have, we will find peace within.

I wish that for every one of us.


Lindah 5 years ago

we all try to seek it from others like boyfriends,friends and neighbours cause our NM are so cold and cant give us the love and appreciation we deserve and just because they don't see what wonderful and beautiful daughters they have it doesnt mean that we dont have it or are less than perfect i know most of us here like me have done stuff to have that feeling and we have compromised who we are and what we have to offer in society cause of our past,insecurity and self esteem but you will feel most contented when you realize that you are and were perfect all along and all you had and have to do is look in the mirror every morning tell yourself your beautiful, wipe your own tears and tell yourself that its gonna be okayand you love yourself.if you love shopping go shopping,exercise and eat healthy just coz your nm couldn't take care of you doesn't justify that you cant take care of yourself.hit the gym if you love exercise and be what she never thought you'd be.she wanted you to turn out a mess please be the complete opposite .compliment yourself everyday when you look in the mirror,tell yourself how cute,intelligent,talented,hardworking you are what she never told you and slowly you will start believing it.be your own mum,when you achieve something tell yourself how awesome and proud of your self you are,and take care of yourself and pass it on to your children esp our daughters so that no one ever makes them feel like trash without their permission,we shouldn't be bad role models go shopping with them tell them how preety they are,go make your hair and nails together and tell them how talented they are be a mother of two,your children and you...wish you all the best,your perfect...your special..so wipe your tears...your one in a million...to all of you


Only Child 2 5 years ago

I just thought of a quick reminder to all of us when we think of NM - No More!


lindah 5 years ago

thats it girlfriend


Michelle K 5 years ago

Just stumbled upon your website and read definition of N mother. I have one. I moved well away and avoid contact. I never call her as she is too draining and full of herself to bother with. I don't miss talking with her as I could never share anything positive about my life without her loading on a guilt trip or abruptly changing the subject. She is telling my younger (and becoming more aware and assertive sister) that she is too scared to ask why I never call her coz she's scared I might hate her. Im hoping she asks so i can be honest with her, even tho i know it will entail her breaking down "coz she only wants me to be happy " yeah, right. Will check out this sight when I have more time soon. Cheers


mmk 5 years ago

Only Child...thanks for that...I will remember NM as "No More". My mother went on a narcissistic rage on me when I went down to Florida with her...Big mistake on my end for going with her. She is 65 and single. I'm 40 and married with one child. She flipped out on me while I was driving down the highway at 75 miles per hour. I pulled off and was ready to call 911 on her ass. I drove her back to my house where she had a flight home the next day...we haven't spoken since. It's been 3 lovely months for me!!! She just sent me an e-mail yesterday TRYING to apologize...I will copy the e-mail here as there are soooo many things that she said that are so classic Narcisstic Personality Disorder. I don't want to have a relationship with her at all at this point. I think we are going on a family vacay with my 2 brothers and their families and yes SHE is going also...its going to be uncomfortable...I'm going to stay away from her!!


lindah 5 years ago

remember when i was a child and had to do anything and everything to please my narcissistic mother it was so damn hard it was like i was always between a rock and a hard place.i would do anything and it brings me to tears to realize how much of my energy,childhood and life have been affected.this behavior later moved on to my friends then later to other people who were just selfish and wanted to drain me of my pride and joy.i wish i couldn't have let them but the damage is already done.i have to move on for my own good


LINDAH 5 years ago

always felt like i was a really bad person and thought that it was all my fault and cried myself to sleep.this memories hurt but i now know that what happened is not my fault even though i blamed myself for years.i still live and see my nm everyday and these memories hurt me even more but am glad and happy to be alive and share this story.She knows am hurt and she can tell but i never let her hurt me anymore.This affected my health especially mentally because i did believe my mother sometimes when she said i was delusional and didn't know what i was saying.I even stopped believing in myself but am stronger now.it took me a lot to where i am and am not looking back.I actually thought i was but deep down i knew i was not.i was just like any other kid.low self esteem followed close by because of her strong comments .I believed that i was selfish,flawed and worthless.Lived my life in a cocoon scared of the world but am stronger now.therapists really do a good job i must say.accepting myself is still an issue because i still don't know who i am but am still working on it.I pray for grace and mercy from GOD.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Moving in the right direction will bring us peace and happiness. We're not perfect, so we have to embrace that, too. I try not to have any regrets about the past, and to keep my conscience free, so I can live the life I should have if my NM had not tried to kidnap my life. As we take our lives back and become stronger, there are no limits as to what we can accomplish. It's very inspiring to hear all of your stories, and keeps me focused on creating and living the life I want from now on. I think of you all everyday, and pray for peace on earth, health of mind, body, and soul for all of us.


lindah 5 years ago

life gets interesting by the day since i decided that i was not going to look back.God is great and simply amazing.All i want is peace of mind and happiness.I now have a different perspective on life.I have realized that now i can face and handle some situations better than i could have handled them if i had not gone through what i did .I now believe its a mental disorder and not my fault living with this is not easy but we all try because our past has shaped us to be people of perseverance and strength.my self esteem is getting better by the day and i keep on celebrating myself everyday.tough times don't last but tough people do so am going to speak life into my life like i have always done.am really proud of myself and of my life who i was and who i have come to be.cheers everybody.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hi everyone,hope all is well.

Nm called the other day, so i had to let it rip.Told her some of the things she did when i was a child. You see i cut off from nm 3 months ago. She is trying the guilt thing to get me back. Won't wash with me any more. Told her that i cut off and to stop calling me.Mind you she rang me when my dad wasn't home. I was not scared to tell her off at all. She does not own me, especially how she brought me up. I know she can't love me and accept that now. That is why i can just say any thing to her and have no guilt. Those who know me on this hub, know that i was the scape goat of the family. I have become the stronger one, the patient one, the tolerant one and a very compassionate gal to all those with emotional issues. Talk soon x


Only Child 2 5 years ago

You are also the resilient one - Bravo!


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Even when you have the boundaries in place and all of the protections that you think will keep you from harm, the NM will find a way to unnerve, guilt trip, and beat you down. No matter how much you do for them, it is never enough. You are a servant, and they expect your undivided attention and catering. They will punish you and make you the scape goat for every bad choice they make.

But I'm not playing that game anymore, and will not tolerate my mother bullying me or my family into doing her ridiculous bidding. Most ironically, she was never the nurturer herself, nor much interested in anyone other than herself. I guess you do reap what you sow.


reeltaulk 5 years ago

I think if more people will accept the things they realize at a young age for what it really is they won't become poisoned and continue a cycle that one has consciously started with the intentions of it lasting lifetimes. Unfortunately people have a problem believing, especially if the belief will make them stand out or apart from "everyone else" as well as hurt their feelings. It's sad but hey what can you say, people have choice and they will choose to do as they wish. For those that make a choice to stop the cycle regardless of whatever age they do it GreaT! Everyone was birthed for a purpose that they will come to terms with as an individual in the long run, regardless of what they choose


little one 5 years ago

I recently realized I have a Nmother. It was one of the saddest discoveries of my life. I read this article, and I'm so glad for it...I did some more research and stumbled upon a web site for 'daughters of narcissistic mothers' and thats when things really clicked for me. I'm 19 and for the most part of my life I thought I was crazy. My childhood memories are filled with moments of my mother ridiculing me, ignoring me (as the scape goat child) and praise/favoring my older brother, but most of all I remember my mother blaming me for her problems, or frustration and having both my older brother and father side with her. At first I thought it was me, maybe I wasn't good enough? maybe somethings wrong with me? I have always tried so hard to get my mother to love me... I realized I've had a disoriented self-image, and low self-esteem for a good part of my life so far. But the most part I'm just grieving for a loving mother I will never have and I know that I never ever want to become like my mother.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Little One

You are so fortunate that you have learned this truth now in your life, because you can create your own peace and happiness from this point forward. You can build a support system of people who will love you unconditionally and for who you are. I hope that you are now in an environment where you can thrive and concentrate on your own goals, and build your self esteem and image. It is clear that you are very intuitive and intelligent, and you can create a future for yourself that you will be proud of. It's not your fault that you were dealt this life, and you can take from this day forward to create the life you want for yourself. You're in my thoughts and prayers.


lindah 5 years ago

for me i decided to take charge of the situation and drew a line.she knows where enough is enough these days.i do everything discretely and never ask for her opinion and if she gives her opinion and it is obviously nasty i look at her smile and say that why i never ask for your opinion.i stopped thinking in line with her and believe that am not a scapegoat but a child of God and am loved by Him and e4ven though i had a bad start in life am determined to have a great future and this means starting my life afresh, she made me believe that i was to teach myself how to love me and spoil myself by doing what she never did,by setting new beliefs in my life and understanding myself,why am on earth and what is meant or suits me best in this big diverse world almost evrything clashes with what she taught me


lindah 5 years ago

for me i decided to take charge of the situation and drew a line.she knows where enough is enough these days.i do everything discretely and never ask for her opinion and if she gives her opinion and it is obviously nasty i look at her smile and say that why i never ask for your opinion.i stopped thinking in line with her and believe that am not a scapegoat but a child of God and am loved by Him and e4ven though i had a bad start in life am determined to have a great future and this means starting my life afresh, she made me believe that i was to teach myself how to love me and spoil myself by doing what she never did,by setting new beliefs in my life and understanding myself,why am on earth and what is meant or suits me best in this big diverse world almost evrything clashes with what she taught me


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Lindah,

That is so true. Our NMs ingrained us from early on to do their bidding, and we can rewrite how we want our lives to be once we regain our strength and self worth. It does involve a decision to take our lives back and not allow their toxic thinking to invade our thoughts and goals. You do have a great future ahead, and I wish you the very best!


little one 5 years ago

Only Child 2

Thank you, it's good to know that I am not alone in this struggle and sad that others had to have somewhat of the same experience.


reeltaulk 5 years ago

Good FOR YOU Little ONE! gOOD for YOU! Trust and know that whatever you nEEd and desire U will be given! Sooner than later CiaO


Only Child 2 5 years ago

On this 4th of July, let us all consider our independence, and how we will work to keep our own freedoms of mind, body, and soul dear to us. I wish this throughout the world and for all people!


Vladi 5 years ago

Hi. It's sad to see that this actually happens to many people and that it can take sooo long, so many years, to realize and find out about this personality disorder, if at all. BUT it is very liberating and fortunate too! Personally, I just found the daughters of npd mothers website a couple days ago, and it's been so eye-opening! It's like if they were describing my mom and all the "little" and big things she'd done and said. I may sound selfish, but I feel calmed in a way to see that I'm not the only one being the scapegoat and that this happens so often. I was not crazy or "over-sensitive", or "bitter".

Ok. I have a question though: how far can a NPD mother go in terms of lying and actually believing what she knew it was a lie? at the expense of all her children (even the golden one)? in spite of her husband memory and the love between him and the children?

My dad died many years ago. We were small kids.She told us both very bad and very good things about him and only bad about his family (well, about his family was always, that was the reason why I'd hear my parents arguing). The thing is that one of the many things she told us -in many occasions- was that my dad didn't love us enough so he left the only money he could have left to his family. My siblings and I grew up hating and even denying the very existence of them, and with 0 contact. Now I am a mother myself, and due to being the scapegoat, I've gone through a series of major fights with my mother to the point where I don't believe in most of what she says, and has made me doubt even about her "big enemies" (meaning my dad's family, who were always the bad guys for us, and also her own family -she has no contact with both families).

So, I started contacting my dad's family (which was obviously quite frightening, nerve-racking, exciting, etc), and I was received by each one of them with kindness, tenderness, and open attitude to answer any of my questions, anytime I'd like to. They told me it was all a lie from my mother, and that they didn't want to tell me everything that happened because it'd hurt me, and that they never phoned us because my mom said very rude and hurtful things, and they knew we had a lot of money my dad left us (!!). And that they never received any money, and that our father loved us all very very much.

Actually, I believe them. Also I want to experience them as family and recover the memory of my dad.

On the other hand, the money thing is still not 100% sure because it seems it's all words. I have no way to prove anything. And I know that if my siblings or mother find out what I'm doing, they'll never speak to me again. I only worry about loosing my siblings. They are sooo loyal to what my mom believes in, and they see her as a victim of this situation, they of course don't agree on how she'd emotionally and verbally abuse me, but they don't doubt at all about this story, and their emotions are quite strong about this.

Am I going too far??? exaggerating over this money thing?

Or should I forget about the money topic? (I want to make clear, it's not about the money I'm after, but the sense of who loved us and who was our enemy, and pretty much which family it's better for me to stay close to).


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hi, Vladi.

I applaud you for seeking the truth and finding peace with your situation. My NM also did many of the kinds of things you mention, going so far as to keep my father from knowing about my wedding and giving me away. Fortunately, I met with him secretly after the wedding, and before he died, making peace with him and my memories of him.

Is it possible for you to maintain a relationship with your families and still keep one with your mother? Since a NM is always right, you would gain little if any ground in addressing the issues your NM has created and your siblings support. NMs thrive on control and being the victim, and now you know better. It may bring more peace in your life to avoid conflicts with anyone, and enjoy what relationships you can develop with your families.

Be sure to set strict boundaries with your NM and siblings, since you are your own person, and not anyone's scapegoat. Do not allow any more emotional or verbal abuse from anyone, and build a life for yourself that you are happy and content with. It sounds like you are already on your way, and just need more time to put the past behind, and embrace the future's potential.

Best of luck to you!


Vladi 5 years ago

Only Child 2,

Thank you very much for your reply. I've been checking this site looking for advice, and browsing the net on the topic. I even feel bad with my daughter for not paying 100% attention to her since I'm dedicating too much time to this, but I do really feel like a need to be more and more aware of the topic. I just' don't want to be like my mother to my own children.

I guess we're not going to have contact anymore (every day I'm feeling happier with the idea) because when one day (recently) I calmly told her how her treatment towards me has hurt me, I suggested to reduce contact, and immediately she said she'd prefer to not see me ever again.

This, of course, hurt me because it was just too easy for her. Her birthday is coming soon, and I don't feel like even sending her an email, anything. I guess it's better to cut off contact, although I'm worried she'd find out about me contacting the families, and what she can do to them (they're older people now), and of course about loosing my siblings.

On the other hand, I hate to hide as if I was doing something wrong when I know it's my right to contact whoever I want, especially under the circumstances. And I really don't want anybody in my life, anymore, telling me how should I feel or act -even if it's my siblings, who I really love very much.

I hope this is not confusing, but well, I guess confusion is one of the "basic" consequences of growing up like this, uh?


Only Child 2 5 years ago

In my own experience, the NM can certainly shake one's foundation, and keep us second guessing as to what is right. Notice your NMs quick control of the situation by cutting off contact with you instead of listening to what you had to say. I have found that by surrounding myself with people who truly listen and care about my feelings, that I have gained the strength to live my own life and find the peace and happiness that was denied me by my own NM and her constant demands, complaints, etc.

You can be the mother that you always longed for to your own children, and maybe find a person who is a mother figure who will love you unconditionally. I was fortunate to have a wonderful mother-in-law and aunts who were great role models.

I have even spoken to my family physician privately about the situation (since he also treats her), and without prompting he told me that he said that my mother is manipulative and controlling.

Whenever we awaken from the grasp of the NM, it's a new freedom we can embrace. Don't worry about the past, but concentrate on yourself for today and build the future you want for yourself. If your NM ever wants to have contact with you, she should be respectful and loving. Same with your siblings. They will balk at your newly found self-confidence and self-esteem, but will get used to it if they love you and want to see you happy, too.

This site and others have helped me to find my voice again, and it's really helped so much to hear other people's stories and encouragements.


Vladi 5 years ago

Only Child 2,

Thank you once again for your comments. Normally I would say "you have no idea" but I know you have idea of how much you help me by commenting and doing it so quick. I have many dear friends who have witnessed how my mother has treated me, and would advice me but it's not the same I guess because they had normal mothers.

You are so right, I have the opportunity of being that mother I'd love to have had to my own children. And I can find that mother figure. My mother in law actually loves unconditionally her sons, and even though we can have different perspectives on some topics, I really admire her for how she treats them, and I can't imagine her doing or saying to them those things my NM has had to me.

I`m glad to also read you and learn that it is possible to live happily and free after digesting all this emotional awakening and change.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello everyone, hope things are going well.

Just read all of the above comments. It's good to see us gals getting stronger. As you know i have cut of from nm.

It's great. Still no guilt and i don't feel as if i love her any more. When i finally woke up, that nm would never change, i just had to be free of her.It was a good choice for me. When i look back at my life, i made many mistakes in relationships, i was confused back then because of nm. I'm quite confidant right now. It's true, live for the present or you may not ever get it back.

Love you all and take care of your selves.

talk soon x


Kitty 5 years ago

I have a severe NM who has abused me my whole life. My brother and I are in our 40's. Several years ago, she cajoled me out of my law career and him out of his own business to come in and "take over the family business". Then in her early 70's, she said she wanted to retire and didn't want the business to die. We could have it all as long as we provided enough for her and my dad to retire on. That was 6 years ago. She never retired, never gave us ownership interest in anything, only meager salaries barely enough to pay our bills which she threatens to take away at the drop of a hat. We have no control over the business decisions of the company. Yet, we work extremely hard and do everything like good little childen to keep the business running smoothly. She does nothing, but tells us she does everything and constantly reminds us how worthless we are. Many times over the course of the last 6 years, she has made overtures about putting a "business transistion plan" into place for the purpose of trasferring things over to us. Several times we have even sat down as a family, worked out how this would happen, left the table thinking we had everything resolved only to be told the next morning that she would not be going through with anything she agreed to the day before. No reasons ever given. This has happened time and time again and I guess the hope that it will someday happen is what keeps us hanging on. In the meantime, she has done a beautiful job of draining all the cash out of the company, stockpiling it away for her "old age". My dear father recently passed after an extended illness during which he was sbjected to horrible abuse by her as his caregiver (Munchausens). She is now completely off her rocker and utterly vindictive toward us. Calls us both greedy and tells us she doesn't trust us and is going to stop this "cancer" that we have created by suggestong that maybe it's finally time now to make this "business trasition" that we've heard so much about over the years. She is treatening to take legal action against us to "get rid of us once and for all". I know she spoke to her lawyer today. She's now telling us our father died hating us and so disappointed in us. I know this isn't true. I was there throughout his illness and during his last days and I know he loved me that way a parent should love their child, the way my mother never has and never could. It just makes me sick that she would stoop so low as to us his memory as a weapon to further hurt and punish us. I wouldn't put anything past. I fully expect the police to show up someday soon to escort my brother and I out of our office because she has fired us and and filed charges against us. I fully expect to be battling with her in court. All at her own doing. She's now 79 and alone and you would think she would want to endear herself to her children who have always done right by her and really just want to take care of her the way NORMAL adult children take care of their parents. She will never allow that. She has dedicated her existence to destroying us financially, psychologically and emotionally and will stop at nothing. I hope I can survive it.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hi, Kitty.

I feel for you and your brother. The NM can make things look so wonderful, and then you feel trapped to do their bidding in their world on their terms.

It's time for you and your brother to consider sitting down together with an outside lawyer of your own to objectively represent your interests, as you have given up so much and it could be pulled out from you at any moment. Your mother could also be in the early stages of senile dementia, and you need to protect yourselves amidst the lack of judgement and reasoning that could be occurring from it.

If you step back from the situation and discuss it with each other and counsel, you may discover that you and your brother actually have all of the leverage. For example, what would happen to the business if you both walked away tomorrow to new jobs and lives? Maybe you can negotiate and get in writing what you and your brother need to continue this business relationship, as it was originally put forth to each of you.

It's time to thoughtfully and carefully take your lives back, putting your own "business transition plan" in place. You and your brother are both talented and intelligent individuals, and deserve peace and happiness in lives that you have a say in.

You are already survivors within the mess; now you need to take that strength and use it for your own goals and interests.

It isn't easy to take that first step. The NM has shaken your very foundation, raising you to second guess every move. But if you take her out of the equation, the fog will clear and the world will start to make sense again.

Educate yourself as to traits of the NM and how to best deal with such a person. They will not change, but you can reshape how they affect you in all areas. Protect yourself and your interests, as sadly, they will not.

Put yourselves first, and find the peace and happiness that you deserve. It can and will get better!


Kitty 5 years ago

Only Child, thank you. I know this is what we need to do. We have discussed it extensively. It's true that she is dependent on us to keep things running on a daily basis, but I know for a fact that within the last few days, she has been in touch with management companies to come in and take over our jobs (we own and manage apartment buildings). I know she will do this and one day announce that we no longer have jobs, incomes or health insurance. This terrifies me because my husband is a cancer survivor and has been in remission for 5 years, but you never know. I've been having health problems myself for the last 6 months which I attribute directly to the stress of having to deal with incredibly dysfunctional situation every single day. She is not comfortable unless she is fighting with us and she thrives on chaos and confrotation. It is wearing on me. Add onto that trying to deal with the loss of my father only three weeks ago and I'm feeling about as low as I can go. She also made the last days of my fathers life as miserable and confrontational as possible, arguing with us about how he should be treated, where he should be treated, transferring him from hospital to hospital in the back of an ambulance on a respirator. I was horrifying. I always imagined, or wanted tpo believe that she would mellow out some after my father passed, but instead she has redirected all the energy she expended in "taking care of him" into fighting us to the death. She also tries to turns us against each other and has been successful in doing so at times. Fortunately, we both understand what we are dealing with and we are very united right now, something that she can't stand and takes her insanity to the next level.


OnlyChild 5 years ago

Dear Kitty:

You hope you can survive it? You have all the facts straight except one--YOU are in control of what YOU expose yourself to. You don’t have to stay there and take it. You have given her control over your life--exactly what she wants. She’s got you upset, riled up and “engaged” in the fight. She feeds off that frustrated energy. That’s how she whips up her narcissistic supply. She chuckles to herself how powerful she is and how easy it is to get you and your brother upset. GET OUT. It's sick, sadistic and abusive. No amount of money can be worth what you’ll go through before that business is yours. She’s 79. She might be around another 10 or 20 years. Put yourself first. Walk away.

Maybe…just maybe…if you walk away…she’ll hire the outside contractor…who won’t be around very long because they aren’t going to put up with her control issues…at that point, she may come back to you and you can legally negotiate the takeover of the business…with her completely out of the picture. Don't do it without a lawyer and set a time limit or she'll go right back to what she's always done. String you along. And don't lift a pencil until the deal is signed.

I’m sorry if I sound a little harsh, but I have lived this…she is NOT going to change. Do not engage with her. Take care of you and your health.


Vladi 5 years ago

Dear Kitty, I'm sorry to read you're going through this very tough experience.

I could not agree more with what Only Child is telling you. It sounds as the healthiest thing to do. And you deserve it.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello Kitty, hope you're hanging in there. I can understand your worry about your financial future. We all need that security. I feel that your probably afraid of your mothers thinking and you don't know what she will do next, concerning the business. She certainly must be jealous of the good relationship between you and your brother. I suggest for you to hang in there for awhile, see what she will do next with the business. I'm in my late 40's and understand about NMs. Make out nothing upsets you because that's her way of getting attention. I don't think she will follow through with courts and lawyers. Just hang in there, take it as it comes for now, see what she does. Don't show emotion to her, make out you have something else on your mind, that's taking up your time. BUT don't show you have any worries what so ever, things may turn around. Be strong

Nikki


Only Child 2 5 years ago

So true; NMs try to keep people off balance with whatever means they can. On your own, find out what a management company would cost, as well as all of the control they would then have over the family business. But sure to let her think she's running the show, while you and your brother gather information and create a plan. It may be an empty threat on your mother's part, and she's using the concerns that you and your brother have to emphasize it. Very cruel, but that's what they do. I agree about not showing emotion, just staying very calm and reserved. You can kick the furniture and rant when you get home.;) It takes practice, but you can do it. Having your brother for support through this will help you get through. Don't allow your NM to divide you, and hang in there as you gain ground. Take time to restore some peace and happiness in your life and make sure of your security; it will take patience and out thinking your NM, but two heads are better than one (yours and your brother's). If you really think about it, you will also be moving your NM towards the retirement she should have taken long ago. And hopefully, if she will accept it, some peace and harmony in her life. If not, as least you tried.

Only Child 2


kitty 5 years ago

Thanks to you all so much for the sound advice. The support of people who know how crazy making this is helps so much. My brother and I are consulting with a lawyer about our rights and acting very unconcerned in the meantime while she sits there fiendishly plotting our destruction. We have both agreed that no matter what the end result, we are getting out NOW salvaging as much as possible. We both want to start living OUR lives as soon as possible.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

That is awesome, Kitty! You and your brother have really made strides. Be careful to think things through clearly and rely on your counsel's advice, as well as considering you and your brother's best interests. You are both resilient and have persevered so well despite all of the obstacles of your NM. You should be very proud!;) I am ecstatic for you!

Only Child 2


Happy Now 5 years ago

I went no contact several years ago. Both my parents are now in a nursing home and I found their wills where they have left everything to my "golden child" sister. The last laugh is on them, however, as my sister is sharing everything 50/50 with me! When they were unable to use me as their whipping post, they started in on her--so they have no one and they deserve to live with nothing. They have no friends and at the ages of 85 and 83, they chose to live the way they are.


nikki 5 years ago

Hi all, hope all is well. It's been quite some time that i cut off from nm.Things are going well. There is no more burden of having all that abuse from nm. My sister is the golden child. We don't speak to each other. She has taken the advantage of being the favourite. She is nm's clone.

Glad to be rid of her as well. I know i did nothing wrong and feel good that i'm true. I feel my sister must have some gripe with me, but for no reason. KAY SERA,SERA.

I still live close to nm. I'm looking to sell in the future. We don't see each other, but it still feels too close. I want to live far off, away from all the bad memories. We are all responsible for our life. I want the rest of mine to be happy, exciting and peaceful.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hi, Nikki.

I admire your strength and conviction. As with Happy Now, you never know, your NM could turn on your GC sister (who may also be a N). Let them have each other for now. People are responsible for their actions, and you are concentrating on happiness and peace that you have deserved all along. And you have created it for yourself!;)

Always do what is right for you, and you will feel in your core that you are doing the right thing.

Best wishes!

Only Child 2


Nikki 5 years ago

Thank you only child 2.

You're great. Your advice to people on this hub is very caring and helpful.

Much appreciated

Nikki


Feel so Alone 5 years ago

From reading all of this I definitely think that I had this type of mother. She definitely loved my brother more than she did me. She be-rated me because I married and had a successful marriage. She had two marriages that ended in divorce both because she felt that her husbands did not deserve her.

My brother ended up never marrying and living with her which she gloated that he was such a great son and I was such a horrible daughter for not staying with her. She ridiculed my husband and my two children they could not do anything right. She is now in her 80's and with her strokes and dementia she has become worse. Very negative about everything. She still has enough semblance of mind to know what is going on around her she just complains about everything and everybody except my brother. She most recently has said that she does not want me to come and help her because I make her nervous and won't let her do things her way which is not the case at all I simply have gone over there to see if I could help her. This is one sick woman. As I look back at my life, and I see that I was a victim of a narcissistic and controlling mother and an alcoholic father, I can only say that perhaps there needs to be a license for having children. I would never do to my own two children or to my husband what this woman did to me, my brother and her two husbands. Thank you for all of the thoughts shared on this page.


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello all, hope all is well.

I have finally finished painting the inside of my house.

It really feels good to have a goal and then achieve it.

My next step is to declutter a bit more and more importantly go on a diet and exersise. No problems from nm at all. Having been cut off for awhile has been great. I can really focus on things. This seperation from nm, has made me realize how strong i really am. Can't believe i did that to myself, putting up with all that manipulation and abuse. Now in my late 40's, also my sons are grown up. IT'S MY TIME. So on to my next goal.

Take care out there

Nikki


Only Child 2 5 years ago

I think that you make a great point, Nikki, about setting goals and working to achieve them. It's important that we set realistic goals, like you have been doing. Taking one day at a time, taking back our lives, is so freeing and peaceful because we don't allow that albatross around our necks to stifle us anymore.

When we were in the full grips of our NMs, it was like our compass was off, and our mothers were manipulating the way we saw the world. After all, most of our friends trusted their mothers, and we felt like something was wrong with us because the NM used her dominance to control us instead of nurturing us.

Finding this site and others, and reading material related to dealing with the NM can help all of us regain our focus and decide what is best for each of us to have the life we always deserved and are strong enough to choose for ourselves. It is inspiring to see that we are not alone, can learn from each other, and move forward together in a proactive and positive manner. May we all continue to put ourselves first for a change, and look forward to how much better our lives will become!;)

Only Child 2


Nikki 5 years ago

Hi only child 2, hope your well.

You are so right about us taking our lives back.

It's good to know i'm not alone on having an nm.

It's so weird to think that our mothers are not right in the head. When i look back, her father my grandfather was a N. How great it is to be free of these cruel beings.

They will never change these nm's. I wish i knew that she was an nm years ago, but better late than never.

Only child 2, you made me laugh when you wrote that nm's are an albatross around our necks, so true. THANKYOU X

Nikki


Meg 5 years ago

Hi,

Thank you very much for your blog! It’s good that daughters of narcissistic mothers speak out and communicate. I'm still in the process of understanding that my mother is a narcissistic. I'm so angry and confused. My mind is trying to find her good qualities (trying to deny that she's a N) but her narcissistic qualities just take over. You are totally right regarding the favored child, my sister is the golden child and she’is en-route to become a full grown narcissistic herself (half way there). The worse thing about this situation - both my mum & sister are zealous Christians. My mum does so many things for the community, therefore she herself thinks she’s a saint and so does the community. Maybe, the fact that she's a Christian helps SOME of her narcissistic qualities at bay. When I hear her voice, I start to get heart palpitations and high blood pressure. Lately, I've been so sick and depressed that I haven’t come out of the house for two months. I’ve isolated myself also from my Friends and I’m scared of coming out of the house, in fear of meeting her anywhere. Sometimes I wish that all the community could see who she really is but at the same time I feel pity and guilty for her. I'm arranging to leave the country and cut my contact with her for a while. This is the only solution for me to regain my spiritual, emotional and physical health back. It's an overwhelming emotion, but you can't heal knowing that she lives close to you.


InDenial618 5 years ago

I am so happy I found this board. I am finally starting to feel like I may not be alone. For years I felt worthless and like something was wrong with me. I just wanted to share a little bit of my story for some feedback. I really think my mother has NPD but being in denial for so long and always giving her the benefit of the doubt has made me feel like I am crazy with her constant denial.

About a week ago I finally had a lightbulb moment with something she did and started looking up things on the internet for the first time in my life. I'm 32. My mother has only been quite controlling of me and putting me down, making me feel inferior and I have been terrified of her almost my whole life. Voicing my opionon or sharing how I felt would only get backlash and I was wrong. When I first started dating my husband 6 years ago (we actually knew each other since high school), I was living with my mom, or she was living with me you would say. My father divorced her when I was 16 and she has been quite uncapable of taking care of herself ever since. When hubby and I decided to move in together and buy a house it was just assumed she would live with us because she had no other place to go. She assured us she would not get in our way and would find a job quickly etc. Of course that never happend. She wreaked havoc on our relationship from the time she set foot in the house. The first week my in laws came to visit, I come to find out later all she did was bad mouth me to his mother and father, telling them I was an alcoholic (LOL) I never held down viable employment, although I had just left a job I had for years for a better one, didn't take care of my daughter who was 3 at the time from a previous relationship, that I would suck their son sry and leave him as soon as I got everything I wanted. She also told them we never let her come out of her room and she was a prisoner in the house, being used to watch my daughter while we worked. She had no problem eating our food or leaching off us for months mind you. When I confronted her about this she denied everything, said I was crazy and his mother is trying to turn me against her. She criticized my cooking in front of his entire family at a dinner I worked really hard to put together and told his mother not to smoke around me because it would make me want a cigarette and she was being rude, when in reality, I chose to quit smoking and told my mother I would no longer buy her cigarettes because she needed to get a job to pay for something that I quit doing to save money. It escalated so out of control that I asked her to leave, actually I didn't ask, I forced her to leave. She ended up leaving the state and moving to live with a friend of hers she had for years (who by the way I heard her saying untrue and horrible things to on a phone conversation in my house)

We didn't speak for over a year, I had her second grandchild during this time. I had felt guilty and sad that my mother could do this and act this way, but still gave her the benefit of the doubt because she kept saying she would NEVER say things like that, why would she? She loved me SOOOOO much. We started contact again through email, her sneaking her way back in. I eventually felt that it would be nice for her to come back and live in our state so she could see the grandkids and we could start over. She came and moved back in with again, supposedly for a short time, but I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time. Things were great for a few months, but I supposed she wasn't going to bare her claws until she got really comfortable. It all started again. Anytime we got in an argument she would run to my husband and tell him I was drinking or on drugs, imply because I didn't agree with her. The last straw came when she told my husband something unbelivable(who has been the only father my daughter has known since her bio dad was court ordered to stay away from us for being so abusive) They got into an argument about something while I was at work and my husband simply stated "I do the best I can for my wife and kids and you just don't see that" She started laughing and exclaimed "Your kids? She's not yours, her REAL father lives in (other state)" He was so extremely hurt by her comment that he cried about it. That night I told her to leave, again.

While she was living with us I had gotten her a job through my old boss. Months after asking her to leave, my old boss called me and told me my mother was saying horrible things about me, the SAME things she told MIL!!! When I confronted her she said "That's just cause these people know how you are, that's why they say the same things, not because I told them"

I let her back into our lives agian after that, after having our third child. I guess I just kept thinking things would change and she would be the mother I have always wanted. Things just kept getting worse. She would come over to watch the kids and purposely do destructive things like break a favorite dish, slice up the counters without using a cutting board, pretend that when we erer out of town she didn't see the 12 piles of dog feces in the dining room when she was supposed to be taking care of the animals.

There is so much more, but the last straw was after not talking for 2 weeks again, because my inlaws were here and she "can't stand them" for their lying, came when she wrote and email asking if my daughter and son could spend the weekend at her place. I spoke with hubby about it and we agreed it would be ok. It was been getting strained with my children because she recently coached our daughter into lying for her about losing something in our house (my mom losing something, not daughter) But like always, I try to see the good in this woman. Anyways, I called her, we had a pleasent conversation and caught up on the happenings for the past 2 weeks, never mentioning what just happend, as I have learned to just ignore it because she will deny everything. After hanging up the phone rang not even 5 minutes later and it was her. I answered "Hi" This is what I here "Sorry I had to hang up so quick that was (insert my name here) you know I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks so I was SHOCKED she called me. Same old F-ing S@#t with her Ya know" I said "DO you realize you are talking to me????" She hung up. I called her back confronted her and she denied it, teliing me that That's not how she meant it. I hung up. This is the first time I cried hysterically in a while for something she said or did. The next day she texts me like nothing is wrong. I didn't let this one slide like the rest, I asked her if she was seriously acting like nothing happend after I just caught her about to bad mouth me to someone else. Didn't hear from her until later when she writes me along email telling me which went something like this:

So, you're now mad because I said to someone you don't even know "same old crap?" I spoke to her earlier and hung up quick to take your call. Nothing else was said. Believe it or not, but I would be embarrassed to tell people how you talk to me. That's why it's only "the same old crap." She has adult children too. She also says the same thing. Nothing else needs to be said.

When you called yesterday, you acted like nothing happened too. Do you think my feelings weren't hurt by the things you said to me? But it's OK to ignore that? I do because I love you.

I'm looking forward to having the kids this weekend. Remind (my daughter) to bring some movies.

Love,

Mom

Mind you the conversation we just had was completely normal, so I don't even know why she would say that?!?! After this email, I just literally shut down from her. I did not drop off my kids as planned and she didn't even call when we didn't show up, I haven't heard from her since. I blocked her from seeing my wall on facebook, as I haven't decided yet if I should just delete her all together and proceed to go no contact. She keepd posting ridiculous fb statuses about liars, drama queens and two faced people. I'm glad this light bulb went off, for the first time in years I feel I may actually be normal and not the worthless, unappreciative daughter she makes me out


Jay 5 years ago

A brilliant article! Well done to all of us that have come to realise. It makes the difference between a depressed life and a content life (or at least a life where you can love yourself). It is fantastic that we have realised and given ourselves the opportunity to finally learn what it's like to really live.

I also have a NM. I realised 5 years ago after 6 months of councilling, when I was 27. Its been a rough ride, but thanks to the internet and forums such as this one, I'm in a good place now and I feel a hundred times the person she made me feel. I wouldn't wish a NM on anyone, ever! It's such an abuse of a sacred relationship, which makes it one of the worst types of abuse, and that much more difficult to accept and understand, hence the Cognitive dissonance that is so strong when you have a NM.

Now I can see her flaws and her sadistic thinking patterns loud and clear. They are ugly, pitiful and still painful. I have now learnt that I can "love" my mum (as my natural instincts dictate), but I dislike her as a person. She is not a good person, and if she were not my mother, I would never talk to her and want her as far away from me as possible. But hating or running away from her hurts too (it also shits all over my new found zen), so I've come to a compromise and I tolerate her, keep her seperate from my 'real' life. I don't tell her what I do, where I go, who I do it with. I keep it simple with her and buying her gifts to pacify her venom. (These people are so cheap, you can make their day by buying them some tat).

I treat her with the respect I'd treat a ill person, whilst keeping her at arms length and protecting myself from her toxic self. I have also taken to treating her like a spoilt 6 year old. When I 'tell her off' as you would a child, sickly enough, she responds. In effect I'm like the mother and she is like a child, but as I don't see her that often and don't live with her, this mechanism works for me (for now!!).

It's tough, but it's doable and I think it can make you stronger as a person. Following on from the points about goals. Having a life coach has really helped. Initially, counselling was great to understand the wrongs and rights about behaviour, but a life coach has been great to spur me on and focus on goals, whilst helping build confidence. An absolute god send and worth every penny.

P.S, my mother also 'uses' facebook, she has over 3000 'friends'. She posts 'positive', godly, well wishing, happy clappy messages all the time! She really knows how to act the saint! And she also maintains conflicts with people she's fallen out with on Facebook behind the scenes! Such a piece of work! Forgive her father, she knows not what she does.


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OnlyChild 5 years ago

InDenial618--These words are what keep us hooked--"I guess I just kept thinking things would change and she would be the mother I have always wanted." We want SO MUCH for them to be that selfless, loving and caring mother that we are willing to overlook just about anything. I'm 53 and I still struggle with this. Intellectually I know she will NEVER be a mother, but we children of NM have a bottomless well of hope in our hearts. That's why cutting off all contact works so well. You can no longer be disappointed when there are no more interactions.

Jay--Very interesting comments. You do seem at peace about your mom--being able to love her, but not like her. I too feel this way. But I still struggle to keep the anger in check when she trys to manipulate me. If she gets me upset she has won again. I know getting angry is giving away my power and it's a real battle for me to remain calm. Lately, when the conversation becomes too much I simply stand up and tell her "well, I think it's time to go" and I do. Some times I visit for 20 minutes. Other times I only make it for 5 minutes.


Jay 5 years ago

Even accepting that she will never be a 'proper' mum, there is always a hope in my heart that she isn't such an evil, nasty creature and that she is capable of loving, really loving her children. When she does display 'love' it seems as if all we are to her are glamourous show dogs and she wants us to perform or she wants us to show her love and affection. These people are brutal, yet they hide it so well when they want something.

I keep my expectations of her low and I when she does try to get a rise out of me and just say a few words in my head, 'I am better than this. I am not going to engage in a malicious exchange.'

If we rise to the bait, we feed their nasty tactics, tactics from which they get a kick out of, which make them 'happy', us sad and them more powerful. If she expects me to behave in a certain way, I do the opposite or something unpredictable. If you've never done that, try it! It works a treat, and it's worth doing just to see the look on their face, you can almost see the cogs of their brain turning furiously! It is also quite empowering to see them struggling to find a way to regain 'power'. It also breaks that mental thread which enables them to abuse us. If she is in control, we'll get further abuse at their whim and choice.

We cannot have true relationships with these people without destroying ourselves and radiating misery to those around us. One way is to be mentally detached from them, which in itself is extremely hard, but doable. They rely on the mental thread to abuse us. They also rely on knowing how to press our buttons. They have studied us from day 1 and emotionally they know how to inflict maximum pain. Another way is to change yourself so that they are confused about who you really are and instead you become who you want to be in secret from them and then humour them when you see them. I buy her small gifts she can use to show off to her friends with and I tell her very little about my life, my thoughts and my feelings. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful sister who are also on this journey with me. People who I can be 100% real with.


melodysnotes profile image

melodysnotes 5 years ago from Summerville, South Carolina

Wow. This is spot on with my mother. This is an example of our typical conversation on the telephone:

"Hi." "Me me me me me me me me me me." "Uh-huh." "Me me me me me me me me." This goes on for several minutes or longer. Then, finally..."So how are you?" "Well, I..." "Oh, I have to go." Click.

Seriously, this happens every day. When I point it out, it gets better for a couple of weeks and then back to the same old behavior. I have a million other examples as to how I have known she is narcissistic for quite some time. It's disappointing, but as long as I accept that she will never change and I can never depend on her, I can make it. And most of all, I try my BEST to NEVER EVER EVER be like her towards my kids. Sometimes it comes out, but I try so hard to show my kids I adore them, how proud I am of them, how beautiful they are, and how proud of themselves they should be. I hope I succeed in this above all other things.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hi, All.

What did people do who had to live through the NM and no one to turn to? This site is such a blessing!

Meg, my mother professes to be a Christian, but she doesn't understand what that truly is. She only does things on her terms, not in the true spirit of giving. And if she "thinks" you've done her wrong, she'll cut you in two without blinking an eye.

InDenial, our NMs are notorious for the "honeymoon period," where they will go for a while and make you believe that you could actually have a mother, then cut you at the knees when you least expect it for some small thing you did that was inconsequential.

Jay, I truly identify with mental detachment, but it is costing me. My doctor thinks that I may have an ulcer, and since he is also my mother's doctor, is actually attributing it to her. My dilemma is, do I tell her and see if it makes a difference, or keep it to myself since it may not make a difference. Any thoughts? My own knee-jerk reaction is not to bother, but a good friend, whose mother is stable, thinks I could use it to keep my mother in check. I doubt it would last for long.

Melodynotes, I also agree that my mother has taught me to love and accept my sons unconditionally for who they are, and as young adults, they are successful and happy, and my husband and I have a great relationship with them and their girlfriend and wife. Yesterday, out of the blue, my mother said that she thought my older son (29) was a "momma's boy," and I completely ignored her. Not to say it didn't hurt, but what a thing to say to your daughter after not seeing her for a week? There is no basis for her words, since my son has his own home, job, and a lovely wife. I'm sure it was payback because I had been away. My good friend who has known our sons since birth, was completely flabbergasted by the remark, and could make no sense of it.

We all have wounds from our NMs that never completely heal, and many times I wonder why I even allow myself to call or see her. My aunt, who lives with NM, is the complete opposite of my NM, and it is mostly for her that I maintain a relationship with my mother.

Thank you all for baring your souls and your stories, and I hope that we can all find peace in our own ways.

Sincerely,

Only Child 2


Jay 5 years ago

Only Child 2, if you feel that you have an ulcer from the effects of your mothers, you may not have quite got to detaching yourself. You are an only child and I imagine, the suffering/damage you receive is more intense than those of us with siblings maybe??? I think my siblings and I can work the NM in shift work, so we all get a rest from NM at some point. emotional detaching from a person that you feel unconditional love for is extremely hard. And I don't think the detaching is neccessarily physical detachment, it's more not absorbing the barbs. Like when they say something mean and spiteful, in your mind you say to yourself 'I reject that comment', reject it and its intent, do not absorb it or the hurt, because these people will never stop, even if they haven't seen you for a week. These people are not happy and they will never be happy, to see others 'happiness' exacerbates their own inadequacies, own self loathing. For instance, your mothers comments about your son probably stem from jealousy. She is looking at the sort of relationship she doesn't have, and probably envies it. She has no son, but you do. Also, if you have not seen her for a week, she probably wants to 'punish' you for neglecting her needy-self, so she is going for your son to hurt you. If you can, reject her comment because YOU KNOW what your son is, you do not need to validate your relationship with your son to anyone, not even you NM mother. You love your son and your son loves you. If he is doing well/successful, that is testament to you as his mother. If your son is happy and in a functioning relationship do not let anyone question your relationship.

Only Child 2, regarding the ulcer, if you were to tell your mother, what response would you expect? Is that something that would be useful to you or your health? Would your having an ulcer gain any sort of 'real' compassion from her? Or would it be used against you at a later date to put you down?

Like all of us with NM mothers, I think we allow ourselves to see them/contact them because we are human and we are pre-conditioned to love our mothers. And love is never a bad thing. Unfortunately they hurt us, so we have to learn to protect ourselves from the thing that should protect us in this world.

Check this really easy to read article which looks at ways of managing a relationship with an N:

http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.org/


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hi, Jay.

Thank you for the website. The info is very helpful. Detaching myself is still internalizing, and although I think I'm handling things, it still gets to me. It is true that I never feel that I get a rest from my NM, even when away. Thank you for your input, because it helps me to see the situation from the inside and out.

Because my mother is unpredictable, she might be decent for a while if I tell her that I have an ulcer, then use it later as you mentioned. I plan to think about this one really carefully before deciding what to do. I'm fortunate to have a doctor who knows what is going on, and can also give me his opinion when I go back after the tests to consult with him. He said that unfortunately he has seen this issue with families, and when the NM is older, that can complicate it even more.

I do agree that NMs can be very jealous and vindictive, and though trying to protect myself from her, probably won't truly heal until after she passes on, which is really sad.

Coming to this site has been a wake up call for me, and I am thankful to all who have shared their stories and ways to manage each situation. It is an ongoing process, but the support from all of you has changed my life for the better, and encouraged me to continue working to improve.

Gratefully,

Only Child 2


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello every one, hope all is well.

I cut off from nm 6 months ago. May i say that I FEEL FREE!

Why don't you all think about it, it's the only way to save your sanity and get to know who you really are as a person.

I have grown and don't see myself as nm used to see me.

Don't let these sick mothers hurt their daughters. Would you hurt your daughters or your sons?

Think about that one. You are so special and unique, nm was just an incubater.

Love you all

NIKKI


Daniella 5 years ago

Hi, my mother is a terrible narcissist. She drove my dear father to suicide, and she tried to do the same with me too, but I did not let her. Please stay well and remember that the person with the narcissistic personality disorder is just a piece of shit inside, so it is not worth your health and broken hart.

Love to you all

Daniella xx


Morag40 profile image

Morag40 5 years ago from New Zealand

Reading this article bought tears to my eyes. Thank you for writing this, it feels great to have reinforced it for me that I am "not crazy" and that my mother is a toxic, narcissistic woman. I am doing a ton of reading into this subject - Narcissism. I have only come to realisation very recently that my mother is a narcissist after feeling bad about myself for most of my childhood and continuing into my adult life. I am 40. I want to learn to heal and become a better person for me and for my future husband, we are getting married in 3 weeks. Thank you again for writing your article.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

I know how you feel, Morag40 and Daniella. It was only about 9 months ago that I finally put a name to what I had experienced all my life. I'm 55, and the healing and freedom that I am beginning to feel is powerful. The world seems brighter as I am able to crawl out from under the rock my mother laid on me from the time I was little. NMs have a keen way of manipulating us into thinking we're damaged. Well, I may be a fool for not seeing it sooner, but I still have the rest of my life in front of me to make choices without worrying what my NM will think or do. I keep coming back here for strength, and admire every one of you who have sought healing and help. Thank you.

Only Child 2


freeplease 5 years ago

this is awesome, I love to read all the posts. I am really low contact with my NM and no contact with my NB for a few months now but I still struggle with guilt. I never really shared my childhood with anyone because I did not think anyone would believe me. My dad was a respected member in the community... many groups, etc, city council and in the church and my mother was awful. Not only was I told I wasn't loved; both siblings are golden children. In a small community my mother was best friends with the meanest town gossip and they never got tired of "putting me in my place". The more successful I was, the worse it became. All because I look like my grandmother on my father's side. That's just sick to put that on a child not even in school yet. I thought I had dealt with all of this and then when she finds out life is handing out lemons... she sure can find the open wound to put it in. She loves seeing or hearing about me hurting.... ARGH. I have had enough and she is once again playing the martyr as I am an ungrateful terrible daughter


Nikki 5 years ago

Hello every one, hope all is well.

To freeplease just want to let you know what you are going through is one of the worst traits of nm mothers.

Stay away!! you are not ungrateful, that's her way of controlling you.

I was a scape goat and i know where you're coming from.

From one scape goat to another, be strong and let go.

Being the scape goat all your life, has made you stronger, you don't need nm, believe me.


empty shell 5 years ago

Thank you so much for this site, it has been like a light switching on in my head. I have just realised that I am a product of a NM. I am only sorry that it has taken me until 49 years of age to learn that.

Having endured a lifetime of being told/made to feel ugly, stupid and worthless how do you undo the damage and start to believe in yourself?

I really identify with 'Regret', although I have been married for 26 years to a confused husband who cannot understand why I am so down on myself and have 4 wonderful children, I am still filled with self doubt and no confidence. I have never had a career, have totally devoted myself to caring for my kids, charity work, helping others (is this a trait of all us survivors). I have never 'made' anything of myself because there is always her voice in my head.

I know I cannot change the past, but the scars run deep. I will never understand why she hates me so much, why she felt the need to tell everyone around me how bad I was. When I fell out with my friends she would side with them. I am an only child and seemed to be the scape goat for the whole family. My dad used to come home from work (a job he hated) and I could hear her telling him how horrible I had been and then they would both come up and hit the crap out of me and then go down and have dinner like nothing had happened.

I think the most damaging thing I was ever told is that I had no friends and no one liked me, if 'friends' did come over it was only because I had the best toys etc. Even when I started dating I was called a slut and all men used women. Actually nothing could be further from the truth, I was always a 'good' girl and looking back had a lot of friends. To this day I cannot see what anyone would see in me or why they would want to be my friend.

And here we are today, I am 49 and she is 75, today she told me that I should move closer to her to look after her and my father. When I said that wasn't going to happen she went into some rant said all her friends agreed I should live closer, she couldn't move to my area because she didn't want to leave her friends. When I said I didn't want to leave my friends,(or indeed uproot my husband and children) the same old mantra of 'what friends? you dont have any'.

I am also left thinking what if I have treated my own children the same way without me noticing. I dont think I have, they have all grown into beautiful, intelligent confident young people and I am so proud of them. My mother has always treated my youngest son with the same contempt she treated me, I have pulled her up over it many times, but she always plays the innocent and says its in my mind, I am sure he notices too.

I am sorry for such a long post, it must sound really self pitying, but this is the first time I have ever shared any of this with anyone, to be honest I am not sure that anyone would believe me anyway because she is so sweet and 'caring' to the outside world. The only one who has been witness to any of her bile has been my husband on occasion. I feel stuck, I can't cut her out of my life completely because my dad is sick and they are getting old, I keep conversations strictly about her and never divulge anything she can use against me. What else can I do?


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hi, Empty Shell.

You certainly have made something of yourself, by marrying an understanding husband and raising wonderful children. It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for, much of which you have created yourself through kindness and courage.

Do NOT fall into the trap of moving closer, or ever taking care of your mother and father. They have tried to groom and guilt you into it, but fight that tooth and nail. They do not deserve more of your energy, and would swallow you whole.

It may be time for you to consider talking to a counselor, and thinking about going low contact with them. I am also an only child, and have created boundaries since I realized that I have a NM. That was only about 9 months ago, and I'm 55. She doesn't like it, but is learning to live with it. I am working with her doctor behind the scenes and talking with a senior social worker for advice. I told my NM years ago that I would never want either of my sons to worry about taking care of me, and that when my husband and I need care, we will get it in our homes, or go to senior housing. That clearly gave her the message that I was not going to do it for her.

When your mother says that you don't have friends, you should tell her that you have "plenty, and by the way, it is only my own parents who doesn't seem to have a clue who I am or appreciate me as a daughter." You may need some time to find your voice, but when you do, you'll know the right words to say.

Concentrate on you, your family, and people who are kind to you and make you feel loved and safe. Keep a distance from those who are toxic and hateful. They are not worth your energy. It's time for you to live your life, without the burden of your own parents bringing you down. You don't have to cut them out of your life, but you can teach them how to treat you with respect if they want to be a part of your life.

It is a very freeing concept to have a name for what you have lived all your life, and it's like a rebirth when start to gain confidence and live the life you have always meant to.

Wishing you the best!

Only Child 2


me too 5 years ago

i tried not be what she did not want me to be, and yet as i grew older, i knew there will be nothing more extreme than being the complete opposite of what she has in mind about me. i did not expect to be supported by the many comments here that there is actually nothing wrong to keep away from a mother who has emotionally, sexually, physically and verbally abused me, but culturally speaking, it is so common in asia. what is not so common is the opportunity to leave home and be given another chance at a life full of love away from her. that i have this chance to say out loud how sick with NPD my mother is, is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to my 50 years. thank you for this article, wishing you and everybody more of life's wonderful blessings!


RebeccaFoster5 profile image

RebeccaFoster5 5 years ago

I ended contact with my mum recently, and the relief I feel is so unexpected. I really thought I would be heart broken, but I wish I did it earlier.

My mum was one of 17 children from an Irish catholic family. I know she did not have it easy, as she had to look after the younger ones, but I think her treatment towards my sister and myself and has been cruel and unkind. She never has seemed interested in our lifes' especially our successes. She did not turn up for either of our graduation ceremonies. She threw me and my daughter out of her house on my daughters first christmas. I live abroad have done since I was 18, or at least 300 miles away ( I needed to be away from her) I always go to her house thinking this time it will be different, hoping and dreaming it will be. She walks away when I am talking and never seems interested in any happy news I share, but she interestly likes to hear my sad stories.

The xmas after she threw my one year old daughter and I out I got a valentines card and a teary telephone call about a friend who had died, so I decided to let sleeping dogs lie, but this this its different. I don't or never did need her, the catty remarks, the ice cold atmosphere, the lack of interest in my life.

No one has to remain so crazy, she could have broke the circle, I am by no means perfect but I am a good mum. I love my daughter and could not imagine been so cruel. My earliest memory of my mum was her saying she had just took a bottle of pills, I was 5 years old. Other fond memories are her running after me with a slipper and even stuff that I think would be improper to publish.

I am angry, but I will become stronger from it. My sister and I will be there for one another we do not want dramas or sadness we just want to bring our children up with positive experiences. I certainly know the mum I do not want to be like.


empty shell 5 years ago

Thank you Only Child 2 for your kind words, you are right when you say that it is like a rebirth when you finally are able to put a label on what you have been going through all your life, I cannot begin to say how much better I have been feeling in the last few days, its like a weight has literally been lifted.

I have long since learned that it really is not worth trying to protest about my mothers cruel words, she seems to get a kick out of knowing she has hurt me and has a spiteful little giggle that goes with it. And I will certainly not be going to live near them. I recently stayed with her for a few days while I did some decorating for her, she literally ripped me to shreds, by the time I came home I was a wreck, there is no way I would subject myself to that on a daily basis, she does enough damage on the telephone.

I do feel a certain amount of pity for her though, I get so much pleasure and pride from my children, it must be very sad not to have that, she has really missed out.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my post, and to all the other survivors, I am glad I found you.


Eliose Beda 5 years ago

An Abusive Mother’s hatred for her daughter is overwheming. This is killing the loving and caring Father. Her abusive nature has separated the Father from his Family. What scares me the most is..... that Her abusive nature is showing up in my young son’s personality.


crazylife1 5 years ago

I have spent all day reading all of these comments and it has truly been therapy for me. I'm a mother myself and my Mom still tries to control me and manipulate me. She is a true NM. She told me this week that I have no friends and that I'm the crazy one. I love how they try and deflect their mental state on us. I grew up neglected and realizing at a very early age that she was never interested in me. Everything was always about her. She did not take good care of me and never spent any money on me. She's a good Christian though and always paid a full tithe. As an adult with children of my own I get sick just thinking of the neglect while she pays her money to her church. She's proud of that fact. Of course I had the sister who was the pretty one and she let me know that I was not. She always told me that I could never live without her. She likes to be the center of the universe while causing the siblings to not like one another. You are all so right about how they like to manipulate you with that emotional thread. I have had no contact with her in the past. After having children I let her back in my life so the kids would have a grandmother. I'm realizing that's been a huge mistake. She hasn't changed. It's only getting worse. I've always had issued with other women as friends. I have anxiety and feel like I'm going to be attacked emotionally. I've suffered horrible mental and physical abuse by my NM. One of my earliest memories was at the age of 3 when she tied me up and gagged me for the day for something I didn't even do. Every minute I spend with her is a constant reminder of the bullying/abuse I suffered from her. I do feel sorry for her as she's aging. However I get tired of her telling me 'can't you just get over the past? it's a new day'. A new day for who? I'm the one that lives with the damage, low self esteem etc....These people are evil and dangerous. I'm in the process of separating from her. My best therapy has been in being the best Mom I can be to my kids. Oh and you are all right about how all they ever talk about is themselves with the me me me me me me me.......it's like a tiresome monologue not ever a normal conversation. It is sad because we all should have been loved by our mothers. It is important to know that it's not us, it's they who have the issues. Something is so very wrong with them.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hi, Crazylife.

When I read your blog, I cried for you. But they are also tears of joy that you are discovering how your life is your own, and that you are a wonderful person with a wonderful life ahead of you. As a teacher of at-risk students, I studied and taught about resilience, and am amazed at how many of us have risen above our conditions, to be something better than we were told we were. We somehow knew better. I ache when I hear what you say about being a mother, because I also take great solace in knowing my sons will never have the guilt that was laid upon me, and that we just love being together and in unconditional terms. I have been fortunate to have many mother influences in my life, which have filled the hole in my heart. My dear mother-in-law was the most positive influence in my life, and taught me how to love and be a mother. She helped to make the past fall away and the future to seem much brighter. This blog has moved us in a healing direction, and we can be the captain of that ship!:)

Only Child 2


Kylie Kelly 5 years ago

When I discovered this I realized I am not alone! I too have a NM. I chose to abandon the relationship 10 years ago. Since then I have only seen her twice. She recently has started sending myself and my daughter birthday cards with her new address and phone number in case I want to call or visit! She truely believes she has never done anything wrong.....At least now I know she will never change and that I need to forgive and get on with my life..


diane 5 years ago

yes,me too! glad to know i am not alone and that empathy exists in others that are special to me. learning to forgive will be hard. learning to live with someone like this in my life will be hard. once i truly understand she is the sick one refusing help, it will be easier to handle all the bs dealt to me


Chichizus 5 years ago from Sydney, Australia

I was relieved to find this forum & begin reading some of the stories here. I joined so I could give a shout out to Jamie for her story. No doubt I will find more that resonate with my own situation. I would like to add my own story, which I think will help my current grieving. I've known for a while that my horrible mother has NDP but I've only just made the link between this and my feelings of inadequacy and crippling self-doubt. And I've been paying a therapist for 10 years!


Gigi 5 years ago

Hello,

Thank you for sharing your stories. It's amazing how much it can recomfort when thinking about mine.

I stopped seeing my mother some months ago, and I posted about it here. So, it's been really good for me not having contact with her this time, and I hope to keep being strong to not yield to some guilt, but I'm happy this guilt is getting weaker with the passing of the time, and with learning how much damage can be done if one allows it as an adult.

Today I was very upset because one of my siblings, a sister who was my best friends some years ago, just told me she doesn't want to have any contact with me every again, and that she'd very disappointed on me because I "dared" and "made the biggest stupid mistake" of contacting my deceased father's family (who are are the biggest "enemies" of my mother).

I told her I contacted them because I needed to form my own judgement of who my father was (he died when we were little kids), and that their message has always being of love, but she kept saying I did something terrible, and that our mother has suffered and cried a lot about it.

I tried to explained to her that I'm free and capable to talk to whoever I want, but she wouldn't listen. As one of my mother's brothers (who also is a big "enemy" of her) told me recently "if you don't get along with your mom under her terms, eventually you'll earn your siblings disdain". To my surprise, my other siblings don't agree with me contacting my father's family, but respect and love me, so they wont' interfere nor stop talking to me.


Vladi 5 years ago

Without noticing, I changed my name here. I'm "Vladi" who wrote here 4 months ago.

Thank you all.


Vladi 5 years ago

I mean, Gigi=Vladi

Sorry, as you can see, I'm still upset.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hi Gigi/Vladi.

What is it about people that they think they can tell you how to live your life? My NM tried to keep me from my father, even to the extent of not allowing him to give me away at my wedding. But, I saw him in private and we were able to make peace with each other. I'm so grateful because I remember the good about him and the lessons he taught me before he died.

Only Child 2


Vladi 5 years ago

Thank you Only Child 2, because you always support everybody here, and your words are very kind.

I'm very glad you had the chance to talk to your father before he passed away.

In my case, that's what I'm trying to do indirectly when contacting my father's family. And well, I just found out by this sister who doesn't understand me contacting them but respects that, that my mother emailed like 2 days ago my siblings telling them the "horrible" thing I did (contacting my father's family), and asking them to not talk to me anymore (!!!) in a way to support her...

What kind of mother/person does that??!

Anyways, I'm more convinced I don't want to see/talk/contact her anymore. I've wasted too much time/energy in her. It hurts to know my mother not only doesn't love me, but also wants to separate from my siblings.

I believe we all have to be very strong, and give ourselves the opportunity of really being free.

These women... well, they won't change. We have a UNIQUE opportunity by realizing all this. I just think we should not waste it.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

The NM is the kind of person who values her control over the people in her life. I read that they don't see people as people, but as pawns and/or extensions of themselves. I'm not sure they are really capable of loving in the true sense of the word, because they are conditional and withhold the love and approval they know we want the most. That's how they control us until we finally know better accept them for who they are. Ironically, it has allowed me to still love my NM, but not expect it in return.

I agree that to live through this, many of us became strong without knowing it. People who love and understand us tell us that all the time. Now it's time to believe in ourselves and find that healing and freedom from within.

Yes, it is a unique opportunity that only we really understand, and that is why I am so grateful for each of us coming here and encouraging each other as only we know how. It has proven to be a turning point for me, and I hope that each one who has endured this pain can find the peace through their own personal journey.

Only Child 2


mmk 5 years ago

Hi All,

I posted a few months ago. Well it's been 8 months since I've talked to NM. Have any of you read the book "Will I ever be good enough?" on NM's and daughters...very good. Anyway, I'm still not at a point where I want any reconciliation with NM...my 2 brothers have been supportive but I know it's putting a bit of a strain on our relationships...not much though because we all live in different states.

God was doing something right when I met my husband...he is in the military and we've lived all over...it has made it so much easier to distance myself from NM.

It still hurts in knowing she will not admit to her last wrongdoing...she's doing her crazy making trying to make it like it is my fault. I am lucky in that my brothers have both admitted that I get the worst of it and she did a major freakout on a friend of mine so I have some validation.


loveis123 5 years ago

Part I

Hello everyone!

I stumbled upon this site and upon reading all of the comments and hearing about others' experiences with their NMs, I'm thinking I had one myself (a NM that is). I'd just like to share my experiences and maybe get some feedback as to whether I do have a NM because I'm very confused right now. This might get long.

There was a recent turn of events in the past year and a half that completely turned me away from my mother. As I was reflecting on my childhood and my life up until this moment, I realized I have a lot of unhappy memories about my mother. And I realized maybe that was emotional and physical abuse... and that maybe I never deserved that kind of treatment. Just some memories from the top of my head:

-When I was 4, I don't know the actual circumstances but I think she was fighting with my father about something because she was yelling. I was sitting on the bed facing the door, and I saw her screaming and stomping around in the hallway with a huge knife in her hands saying she was going to kill herself.

-If I were in a brawl with my sister in my elementary/middle school days (younger by a few years), she'd repeatedly yell at my sister to fight back and to tell her to use a knife to threaten me with if she wasn't able to hit me. She never sat us two down or tried to break up the fights. I never understood that.

-Constantly threatened me if I didn't listen to her and do as she says (e.g. schoolwork), she'd call the cops on me. One time she actually did when I was in middle school, and I sat there crying to these two policemen. I'm sure they expected something like a domestic murder, but all they got was a weepy 12-year-old explaining that she'd just had an argument with her mother.

-When we'd have our arguments, I'd sometimes end up with sprained fingers or bruises on my face and go to school like that. I thought everyone else was disciplined pretty much the same way because my mother was always telling me that I should be glad I was born with them as parents because "they were nowhere evil as some other parents are." Right... One of my mother's favorite maneuvers was to flail a big kitchen knife under the doorway if I'd run into my room and locked myself in. I'd have to sidestep back and watch the knife go back and forth madly under the door. She may have done it just to give me a good scare, but being young, I honestly thought she wanted to kill me.

-When I was 16, she thought I was in love with the 30-something year old contractor who was renovating our house. I'd only shared a few words with him while with my parents. All I remember is answering his friendly questions about something or other shyly with a smile as any shy teenager would, but she took that completely wrongly and accused me of "having the hots for him" as she put it. These people worked on our house for two months and during the whole of these two months, I was holed up in my room while they were working because I was afraid my mom would openly tease me or humiliate me in front of others about wanting to sleep with the men when that was certainly not the case. I was really traumatized by this experience.

There are so many other bad memories I have of her. But what I hated the most was that when she was nice to me, she'd be too nice. Like the perfect mother you know? Telling me she loved me and how much she cared about me and saying I could achieve whatever I wanted. (Of course, when she found fault in me, she'd immediately tell me I was a low-life freak of nature who would never succeed in life and that she should never have given birth to me, etc)

My father never stepped in to tell her she was crossing the line, because I know that he knew that if he did, my mother would go even more psychotic and do worse since my father's not supposed to take his children's sides ever. Heck, he's not even supposed to be liked more by his children than the mother. She'd tell us all these horrible things about my father and then immediately follow that with, even if mommy hates daddy, you kids should always respect him since he's your father. Hmm, okay. I never got too close with my father because my mother didn't seem to like how my father doted on me. Sometimes I'd feel bad because I knew my father wanted daddy's little girls and share that kind of father-daughter relationship. IMO, my mother deprived my father of having healthy relationships with his children. So, in my memory, he's always been more of a distant, apathetic father. "Run to Mommy because Mommy loves you best, unlike your obtuse father." That's how it always was in my family, and I thought that was normal.


loveis123 5 years ago

Part II

Anyway, fast forward to the present. I think my whole life I wanted to get out of my parents' grasp, more out of my mom's grasp, and about two years ago, I finally had the chance to. I'd met the love of my life and decided this man was for me. After dating him for seven to eight months, I decided I wanted to move in with him out of my parents' house. My father flipped, but my mother was all, aww, I'm glad you're happy. Fast forward, my mother eventually found out my now husband is a right-leg amputee. She fainted, told me she'd never forgive me, said I was a shame to the family (including our ancestry, whatever that means), and immediately cut off all contact with me. My husband was also very hurt because up until then, my mother had spoken with him on several occasions and had made him feel accepted, like family.

I grieved for a year about the loss of that relationship with my mother, as well as my family since she wouldn't let any of my siblings or father get in touch with me. Once I'd been the golden child doing her bidding, going to a good school, being the good child, and now I was suddenly the black sheep of the family, the evil one. And my punishment for not breaking up with the man she deemed a shame to the family was to be cut off at all costs. Anyway, I was a complete wreck... My mother who I had depended on all my life looking for acceptance and love, who had said she'd be my rock, had just abandoned me for a choice I had made as an adult. This was a low period for me full of depression and guilt.

Despite the circumstances, I managed to stay in contact with one of my sisters since we had been close. We'd talk, but any time I'd ask about the rest of the family, she'd blow me off and tell me that the only condition for allowing me to talk to her was to not ask about the rest of the family. I felt as though I was a criminal and I was only allowed to stay in contact with them only under their conditions and it upset me but I didn't say anything because regardless, at that time, little contact was better than no contact at all. Thinking about it now, I don't think my sister even wanted me to get back on good terms with my mother unless I did as my mother bade.

Fast forward again, my sister came to visit. But before she came, I found out I was pregnant. My initial reaction was horror because I knew that I'd have to climb another mountain having to deal with my sister finding out about that. I was also worried that my baby would be faced with criticism even before he/she was born, and I didn't want that. But the initial panic subsided and my husband and I started getting excited about the baby. We thought about when and where we should tell my sister.

When my sister came to my house, the first thing she asked me was if I was pregnant and that I better not be pregnant. I was taken aback and fumbled over it saying no I wasn't. Maybe I should've been honest about it at that point, but I hadn't seen her in two years and I didn't want our reunion to begin with a fight. Especially since she didn't seem very open about the idea of me getting pregnant.

She met my husband for the first time and she put on a great show of showing him respect and kindness and talking to him and treating him like family. But then after some time of staying at my house, she found my ultrasound pictures on my computer and that's when she went berserk on me. In front of my husband, she screamed and yelled at me about how she didn't want to lose a parent because of me (parents being shocked and dying), how my father was still waiting for me to come back home and "How could you do that to Mom and Dad?" She accused me of trying to have a baby so that my parents would be forced to accept my husband as part of their family. Wow. I was at a loss for words and I looked at her like she was of another species. I told her I would never manipulate a life just to get approval that I had decided in the year of grieving I didn't need in the first place. My husband tried to calm her down and tried to talk but she refused to listen to a word coming out of my husband's mouth. She screamed, shut us down, and she left abruptly after that. My husband and I were both hurt and baffled at her blatant show of disrespect and terrible accusations. At first, I thought it was because she was hurt I didn't tell her about my pregnancy, but I realized later that she was more angry because of how it would affect her relationship with my parents and how life would be altered at home because of her "trouble-making rebellious sister."

I e-mailed her the day after explaining as calmly and unemotionally as I could and asked her not to tell my mother because I wanted to do that myself. But apparently she didn't, because the following day my mother sent me a very nasty e-mail. She told me to go kill myself and that had she known that I'd end up being this kind of daughter she'd never have given birth to me in the first place. She called my husband all sorts of derogatory names, and kept asking me how much I enjoyed living with "his [disabled] kind." She said, "Do you think that your baby will want to be born? Do you think your baby will be happy to be born? I don't think so!" After this disgusting mini tirade she tried to convince me to abort. Her words, "I had a miscarriage before I gave birth to your brother, and I survived. Your aunt aborted all her girl babies before she had her son. It's fine, you'll be fine too." To my knowledge, my mother miscarried when she was five months pregnant and she was depressed for the longest time at having lost a child. I remember her describing the baby's limbs and how it tore her heart apart thinking about when they removed the child from her womb. She was definitely NOT OK. And as for my aunt, I don't believe in getting rid of a child just because it's not the gender you want. She apparently had multiple abortions until she found out she had a boy. To me, my aunt isn't human... (That's just my opinion.)

That was the last straw. I sent my mom a curt reply telling her I never want to speak to her monstrous self again. I forwarded her horrible email to my sister and told her if this is the kind of parent I'm supposed to obey and follow, it wasn't going to happen. I also told them it's not worth for my baby to get to know them. I told them all to stop contacting me and to leave me alone. And it's been about a month now, I never got a reply but I don't care. I've moved on and I'm happy with my life. I love my husband and I know he loves me. He's the greatest, most patient person I have ever encountered in my entire life and I'm so thankful for having found him. I don't know many people who would've stood by me while being openly put down by family. My husband and I are ecstatic about our baby, our friends are super happy for us, and I've learned to surround myself with good people. It feels good to have closure to a wound that was open for more than a year.

And that is my story!


loveis123 5 years ago

Just to add another tidbit... I'm terrified that I'm going to end up being like my mother. Sometimes, I see her reflected in me the way I respond to certain situations and each time I have that realization, it scares me. I don't ever want to be like her! Perhaps staying away from her as long as I can will clear me of this... eventually?


loveis123 5 years ago

Just to add another tidbit... I'm terrified that I'm going to end up being like my mother. Sometimes, I see her reflected in me the way I respond to certain situations and each time I have that realization, it scares me. I don't ever want to be like her! Perhaps staying away from her as long as I can will clear me of this... eventually?


Vladi 5 years ago

loveis123,

I really feel your story. From my own experience with a NM, I can assure you you have a very narcissistic mother. I'm very glad you found this site. Personally, it's helped me a lot, and I tell my very supporting husband about this, and he's glad for me too.

You're very fortunate you have "woke up" from this nightmare and got out of the "cult" (that's how I ended up calling my family -meaning mother and siblings, due to her twisted "rules"-).

Even though I read about the NM's, still it's very hard for me to believe people this mean can actually carry on for so many years. I just discovered my great-grandmother was a NM -who actually was in charge of my mother together with my grandmother, because the older didn't want my grandfather near since he was ill with a very rare illness). After discovering some letters my grandfather sent to my grandmother, I realized they were separated thanks to the control of my grandmother's mother (NM) over my granny. Even though these letters were written over 60 years ago and I never met my grandfather because he died young due to the illness, I felt quite sad and shocked to see how these type of women can actually change/destroy the pattern of life of so many people, going through generations.

I applaud your courage, because it's not easy. Specially when the cost is loosing your siblings.

But, as a friend repeatedly tells me, your family now is your husband and your baby. You have all the right to live your life however you consider is best. Nobody nobody can tell you how you should live, talk, think.

I also had the courage because I don't want my daughter to grow up with this kind of stress. Life is so beautiful. And one thing that has helped too is to pay attention on how other mothers (healthy/normal mothers) treat their children. Like with my husband, or my closest friends.

I am also very afraid of repeating the pattern of my mother with my children, but because I now know about the NM's, I pay attention to how I talk to my daughter, and I have asked my husband to please let me know if he sees I'm doing something like my mother.

But just the fact of not having contact with her, and instead with healthy-thinking people, helps me t sort of "re-educate" myself.

You can do it! Actually, you ARE doing it!


sjohn50258 5 years ago

Thank you so much for reminding me I am not crazy or mean. I have been trying to take care of my mother due to early dementia and she has spent her days on the phone crying and telling people I am tryng to commit her and steal her $. I have received hate mail from people I donit even know!! and she has broken up our extended family due to it. It is amazing how many people will believe an 90 year old person with dementia over her daughter. They don't even call to get the other side! I have cried myself to sleep night after night frustrated over trying to do the right thing and getting hate mail and calls. I am an only child and my father wanted me to take care of her but people are going to force me into letting her wander off or hit someone with a car before they wake up. Any suggestions????


Underwater 5 years ago

sjohn - I would suggest talking to a social worker or her doctor or your doctor about it with her present (or not).

I'm trying to do the right thing by my parents and not abandon them in their old age, but it's tough. A lot of triangulation going on and my NM & ND also raised a golden child NKid who has taken up my mother's cause throughout the last 40 yrs. At one point I did no contact. I couldn't figure out when I was young why my mother didn't like me. I knew I wasn't all the labels she or the Nkid slapped on me at a very early age.

These last 20 yrs I've been trying to build relations back up and I could see the behaviors - it was like they were under the surface of a quiet pool of water - if that makes sense - there but submersed. But I didn't really get the N reality until I became enmeshed with Nkid. That's when all the behaviors really started popping out as wrong/odd/abusive. The more I said No, the more the Nkid smothered, then the verbal abuse.

A few years ago, my NM tried to lecture me about 'seeking approval' and I just laugh at that. I was estranged and never DID do what she wanted me to do and either punished by her or some other family member - they made sure to kick me when I was down, so to speak. Sad fact is if they had loved me I would have had so much more in life because I would have believed in myself when I was young and made better choices & wouldn't have wasted so much time trying to just survive. Even though I started a nice life 20 yrs ago after some messes, now it feels like I'm starting over back there again because of the enmeshment.

I'm now on low contact with Nkid (without disclosing that) and still frequent calls to NM to keep track of her health. But since I'm on low contact with the other one, she passes it through the NM so I hear about stuff anyway. Everything I say gets passed on. So I talk about weather a lot and grass growing. NKid has a very odd competition thing if I have medical problems - like well you shouldn't have had THAT done(because I didn't when I had this other thing happen) type of thing. Always the expert with no real knowledge.

It's like a crazy dream. I escaped only to go back -only to do this slow motion realize that they're all unchanged toward me. Nothing gained in 20 years. I had sort of deluded myself that things might change. So now I'm trying to face that they are what they are and I have no options left with some of them but no contact if I want to be happy. It's really sad and their loss (since none of them cared to know the real me instead of their pretend me)and an extreme waste of my time. I've spared you the nasty details about it all, but trust me, damage done.


Marge 5 years ago

I really appreciate this article. I did not realize my mother was a narcassist until this past summer. It wasn't until then that I finally understood what it was about her. With that I have been able to find some peace. Sadly I only realized she was a narcassist after she started doing research into narcassism based on her relationship with a man and her own mother. It was amazing to hear all the things she'd say and not see herself in them. Anyway...it is almost Thanksgiving and I am dreading the holiday. As you stated, NMs are generally critical of signifigant others. I love my current boyfriend, we live together, he is a good man, but my mother did everything in her power to stop me from moving in with him. She is just always right.

Anyway. I'm looking for support going into this holiday season. Stumbling upon this article is helping me gain some much needed strength to deal with her ways and understand her. Thank you.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

The Holidays can be difficult, whether you are no contact or low contact, or somewhere in the middle. The NM can drain you like no other person.

For myself, I think of all the positives I have in my life, which had nothing to do with my NM, but everything about how I wanted to live my life.

The strength we have gained from each other can carry us through these days, and help us to have much brighter days ahead.

Happy Holidays and Thanks to everyone!


crazylife1 5 years ago

Happy Holidays to all of you! I'm doing low contact right now. My NM is in the process of moving closer to my sister which I feel is best. As usual right now she is feeling like the victim. We wouldn't let her spend my birthday with us nor will be be having Thanksgiving dinner with her. We're all agreeing how pleasant and light everyone is feeling with less of her in our lives. These NM's are so very toxic in all of our lives. Hang in there everyone! It took me a long time to realize that she is not the center of my universe like she wants to be. At least we all know in this forum that we have discovered what's going on. It took years to know that it wasn't me and that it's her with the odd narcissistic personality.Again Happy Holidays and take comfort in your new found mental freedom!


Nivynoo 5 years ago

Thankyou for this article. I am 12 years old and the oldest of 5 children annd i am constanly critized but my other siblings can do no wrong. she always tells me i have a lovely life and think of all those other children but i dont. i onece told her this and she went balistic. I am a tallented musician ( i sing and play gutaire) and i am hoping for music to be my career, but whenever i say this to her she says its a crap career chioce and i should be a science teacher which is what she was. I have only realised today that this is because i have a narcissitic mother. I 5 years i hope to move out and start my career in the music industry. I hope..........


Only Child 2 5 years ago

Hi, Nivynoo.

You are a very wise girl for 12 years old. Work hard in school, and think about joining choir as well. It is very competitive in the music industry, but with drive and ambition, you should work towards your dreams.

I was a dancer, and even though I didn't pursue it professionally, I became a teacher and choreographed for the band and musicals for the school. I still dance for pleasure and enjoyment, and I'm 55.

I found with my NM, that I agree with everything she says, and then pursue what is best for me.

Hang in there, and do your best, stay positive and resilient!


Vladi 5 years ago

Hi Nivynoo,

I agree with Only Child 2: you are very intelligent for your age. I wish I had realized my mother was a NM at your age... it would have saved me so much pain!

It seems to me that you'll be able to achieve whatever you want in life, because with this information about NM's and how/why they work the way they do, and to see that actually you are not alone, you are getting control of your life.

Life is beautiful, and you have so many chances in front of you. If you surround yourself with people that treat you well, it'll be easier to hang on.

Please remember whenever your mom tells you something mean, that she just has a personality problem, she can't harm you because now YOU KNOW.

All the best.


mmk 5 years ago

I posted 2 weeks ago and several months before that...I know this is mean but can you say sweet validation?! My NM and my oldest brother and his family stayed with my middle brother (and his fam) over the Thanksgiving holiday for 8 nights!!! I talked to him today and He was emotionally exhausted from their visit...he said NM talked only about herself nothing of the grandkids, etc. He said that she would turn everything around or just come out of nowhere and start talking everything about her. I am the youngest and only girl so I've gotten the worst of NM. I haven't talked to her in over 8 months. It does still hurt but atleast my middle brother gets it!!!!!!!


Louise 5 years ago

I am 52 years old and have thought about getting help for my NM experiences...pretty much the same as you all describe. One thing has helped me survive though......my sense of humour....I pretend to be her infront of my husband sometimes and it causes much hysterical laughter and also highlights the ridiculousness of her behaviour.


Only Child 2 5 years ago

I agree that humor is very helpful, as well as a positive support system. Isn't it a shame that we have to use these measures to deal with our mothers? My NM is gearing up to make me unsettled while I visit my husband's family after Christmas, even though I have made it as nice as possible for her. There are times when I listen to her going on and on, and just go somewhere else...


Nikki 4 years ago

Hello everyone, hope all is well. For those of you who read about me, you will know that i have cut off from NM for 7 months or there abouts. Things are going well, mentally and emotionally for me.

Physically, not so good. I had a shock about a week ago.

They discovered 3 brain aneurisyms in my head.

Never expected that to happen to me. They haveto peform brain surgery on me soon. You know what, i still don't want to see NM. Now i know that i want to go it alone if need be and not have NM in my life.

Not only that, can you imagine her getting back into my life and trying to control it, while i'm recovering from the operation. NO WAY HOSAY!

Wish me quick recovery ladies

Love Nikki x


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Hi, Nikki.

My heart goes out to you! What strength and courage you have to realize that YOU are the person you have to trust the most through adversity and in any situation. You are in my thoughts and prayers, as everyone here is, on a daily basis. Health and happiness to you!


Louise 4 years ago

Hi Nikki,

You're such a brave person...you can do this thing and I'm sure everyone is right there with you.We all want to hear from you soon.Please get well again.


Spiraldancer 4 years ago

Wow! I'm fortunate, raised by a good caring mother. Needless to say, marrying a man with a NM was a shock to my system. Six years ago, at the ripe ole age of 49 I married for the second time. My husbands family lived on the west coast, mine the east. Family is very important to me, my family gives support and unconditional love. I welcomed the opportunity to merge the two families, it was exciting and I was hopeful! I was dead wrong! Hope was never a possibility! For 2 years his mother lived in our phone, we talked daily, shared stories about our lives and talked of the day she'd move here, around the block and become a close family! How could I have known? My hubby showed real love towards his mom, I thought! Small things struck me as odd, almost every conversation he'd have with her there'd be a snap or a snarl on his part. I'd often say "hon, don't talk to your

mom like that". Little did I know that she was pushing buttons, while playing the victim. I made it clear I would never tolerate him speaking in that tone with my mom. She'd fall apart and I'd have rung his neck! things moved along with snarls and snaps, while she and I got along marvelously! A dear friend, the one whom introduced my husband and I warned me of his mother! She'd lived on the west coast and was best friends with his sister for 30 years and was well versed in her crazy hateful ways. She was shocked that we got along so well. Six months into our marriage his father and step mother were to visit for a week, a few weeks prior to Christmas. I cleaned and cooked in preparation, talked to his mom about our plans and was let down when the father didn't come and didn't let us know he wasn't coming. We found out hours before heading to the airport that they were not coming. Upset, I told his mom what was happening and how upset I was at his lack of common courtesy. I said it would be a long time before they'd be invited again. At which point I was told "no, this is way too important to D", I'll call and talk to his father. My response was no, this is not your problem! D and I will handle it. She said she understood and we hung up. Within 30 minutes she was calling to let us know that they would be coming after all, within the week. I was shocked and said, I'm not going to have them come the following week nor any week there after, until we, D and I talked. I was quickly told, oh no, they were coming, this just meant way too much to her son to prevent the visit. This was just a misunderstanding! I told her there was no misunderstanding and furthermore it was none of her business. That she should never have called his father, that I'd made it clear we would handle the situation. She went ape crazy. Screaming, that's not how we do it in this family and I was being rediculous. I tried for an hour, unsuccessfully to reason with her. Then I got angry and stated this was none of her business and she would not be allowed to interfer in our marriage again, that I'd lived 50 years without her and I could live another 50 years without her. I refused to speak to her for six months. I felt so sorry for my husband that I asked did he want me to try again. He said yes, he hoped she would mess up another of his relationships! Hmm, I told him it was up to him, he had to take a stand with me as a unit, that I'd never try to make him choose between the two of us. But, we could not let anyone run our lives no interfer with our decisions. For once he had someone that could stand up to her and he began doing the same. But, her friendliness was fake, every word we spoke was socked away to be used as a sword. She did move two blocks from us, but is a recluse, many illnesses, she says. We shop for her take her to doctors appointments, that she cancels upwards of ten times before actually going. We now know this is a way of controlling our lives. As time moves on she is more and more closed off, rarely leaving the house! But, she makes use of work, house and our cell phones! She calls twenty or so times in a day. Wanting to know any and every move we make. Who is in our home, where we go, when we will return, what street we are driving on and when will we return home. It never stops! Now, any and all of the conversations are used to twist and cause problems. Not just with us but his two sisters. She complains to them about us, and complains to us about them. A year ago it all came to a head. My mother moved in with us and now games is on. His mother says,"I'll never be he mom, I'll never bake and fix like she does, I'm not like that". We assure her no one expects that, we'd just like for her to be part of the family without interfering in our relationship. Because she lied so often we started putting every call on speaker so both could hear what she was saying. This was helpful for a while, we even told her we were doing it for that very reason. Things got worse! One evening while out to dinner, I reminded D he was suppose to take his mom to a doctors appointment the following day, she cancelled four times already. He decided to call prior to us going in to the restaurant. She quickly said she was too sick to go, that he just didn't understand, she was unable to turn her neck and she was having trouble breathing! Ok, I'm not a doctor, but is this the perfect time to actually make your appointment? D said something similar to that and she exploded! Screaming he was mean and never was like this before! Before what? Before me? I took the phone and said" look, maybe you two should go to therapy and learn how to talk rationally". At which point she said "she had talked to both of his sisters and they all agreed D needed therapy, but she would not go with him, for all he'd do is bring up the past and try to break her". I said" I don't give a rat's butt what the sisters said, not that I believed her, that they were not here living with the abuse and the insanity". D said he was not going to talk about it anymore that evening and said goodbye. By the time we got back in the car after dinner she'd racked up twenty or so calls between my cell, his cell and the house phone. My poor mom was answering at home assuring her she'd have one of us call the minute we arrived. But, when D realized she'd called over and over with my mom having to deal with the crazy woman he blocked her calls from the house, leaving her the ability to reach us by cell. We did not answer until the following dAy! She left a message for me to please call that it was urgent! After my husband And I talked we decided that I would no longer have any dealings with her, nor would she be invites here at our home nor have access to my family. I told him I wanted to explain this to her myself. I called stating until the two of them had a long term relationship that was healthy and uplifting that it was best I remain out of the picture. She said I understand! She clearly did not! When I handed him the phone she wanted to know when the phone punishment would end? She wanted to continue to call the house! He stated that would not ever change! She declared that was the day her son killed her! Killed her! Wow! So, the youngest sister, 10 years his junior calls some two months later and we start to talk. What happens next was an eye opener for everyone. She told us of the sexual abuse she received at her own mothers hands, how she lost her child at her own mothers hands. How, after D moved out at 17 she lived with this alcoholic mother that kept her either locked in the house with little food, no friends exposed to sexual perversions of her mom and all the men she brought in, how they'd lived in a seedy nudest colony where she feared for her safety. How she'd run away pleading with authorities to place her in foster care, which they did for two years. This girl went through hell, and no the other sister and my husband didn't know, they moved out and far away as soon as they could. They were aware of the alcohol and knew it was wild when she did three days of non stop boozing, but it went a thousand time worse after they left. So, I'm now putting the pieces together, the mother has always kept them apart even in the same house. She controlled


Vladi 4 years ago

Dear Nikki,

All the best luck for your operation! Please let us know how did it go.

I totally support your decision to not contact your NM even with this. Why would you have a toxic-controlling-mean person next to you in such a delicate and vulnerable time?

Hugs


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Wishing everyone some peace during this Holiday Season, and the hope and happiness we all deserve in the New Year.


Kelley 4 years ago

Hi, I have know for 5 years now that I have a NM. First couple of years were hard to realize that my life was a complete lie. I was the scapegoat while my sister is the golden child. She can do no wrong in her eyes and my sister truly is as bad as her. I want nothing to do with either of them.

I do agree to keep your distance from them and remember you will never win against them. They are emotional Vampires and feed on your pain.

I am thankful that I found this information out, so that I do not pass this trait on the my children who are late teens now. Awareness of this dsyfunction is the key to healing.

God Bless all of you and have a merry christmas.

Kelley :)


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Hi, Kelley.

That is a dead-on(pardon the pun)analogy! When I come home from visiting with my NM, I feel completely wiped out. And that's on a good day.

One of my greatest satisfactions is that although I didn't realize what was wrong with my NM until recently, I did have the presence of mind years ago to know that I wanted to mother my sons differently and better than I had dealt with. Today they are loving adults who I enjoy immensely and don't have the baggage I have struggled so hard to leave behind. They inspire and lift me up, and help me heal.

Thank you for your kind wishes, and right back at cha!


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Hi, Kelley.

That is a dead-on(pardon the pun)analogy! When I come home from visiting with my NM, I feel completely wiped out. And that's on a good day.

One of my greatest satisfactions is that although I didn't realize what was wrong with my NM until recently, I did have the presence of mind years ago to know that I wanted to mother my sons differently and better than I had dealt with. Today they are loving adults who I enjoy immensely and don't have the baggage I have struggled so hard to leave behind. They inspire and lift me up, and help me heal.

Thank you for your kind wishes, and right back at cha!


Nikki 4 years ago

Hello every one, hope all is well. Thank you for the kind words of those that responded to my comment.

Having operation thursday, staying in hospital for Christmas, will be there 7 days, if all goes well.

Still no NM and i feel stronger.

Have a great Christmas, take care of your selves and please don't let NM upset you.

Talk next year my friends all my love

Nikki x x x


Vladi 4 years ago

Good luck Nikki, and happy holidays to you as well!

Happy holidays to everyone.

Well, I just wanted to share with you something that has been helping me a lot in taking out of my system the bad messages and legacy from my NM: a book called "Will I ever be good enough?" from Dr. Karyl McBride.

What I also like about this book is that it makes you understand, and therefore, don't hate your NM because it helps you understand the pain she comes from, and why she doesn't have the ability to provide the nurturing we needed.

Peace.


Tazz 4 years ago

Thanks to everyone for posting their experiences, reading them makes me feel like I've had my brain massaged!! I only just realised i've a NM and it's been an eye opener.

I met my husband 4 years ago and for the first time I felt what love was. All was well and I was the happiest I've ever been. Then my partner told me mum rung him when I'd been out and told him something weird 'watch her she'll unfold'. My blood ran cold and he asked what it meant, I didn't know but knew it wasn't a compliment. I asked her about it the next time she phoned and she denied it, he must have misheard, and latterly called him a liar. I realised there wasn't just a wicked side to her but there was something sinister there too.

I was the scapegoat and was kicked out of town at 17, I came home one Saturday night when she met me at the door with hands flying, bashing my head of the wall and slapping me whilst repeatedly screaming get out my house. Thankfully my aunt had been visiting the weekend it happened and was so horrified took me to live with her 100 miles away. She was a marvel and I stayed with her a year before moving into my own place. And still they weren't done...

My sister's 42, still lives at home and is becoming a second NM to me. For decades they've put down my friends, re-arranged my furniture, redecorated my bathroom, came to stay when I said it wasn't a good time, given me the silent treatment in my own home, called me selfish, clumsy, nicknamed boyfriends (grant - granville, peter - peter plywood etc). And OMG the daily phone calls about absolutely nothing, mum for the first half hour and my sister from the bath (boke) they'd interrogate me endlessly and when I asked what was going on with them...'well got up at 7am, had porridge blablabla' not to mention the name calling of neighbours, family and friends. Aaaghhh enough!

Two months before our wedding she kicked off and showed her true colours to my husband. After a big scene and a horrific uncomfortable visit from her she left and then came more silent treatment. My sister came up the following weekend and I begged her for some info on what it was about she cut me dead saying 'I'm not getting involved' and gave me a wee wedding book of calm to read...sigh. When she was heading off she said she'd left her slippers in the spare room as she'd another pair at home - and it would save her bringing a pair every time she came up.

My husband works away and is home for 2 weeks at a time and they try to visit when he's home. I explained that that time to us is precious so unfortunately they couldn't stay with us - and they'll check into a hotel or stay with a family member. Not that any of them have asked them to visit at that time either, and make a point of coming for dinner.

We've now got caller ID which is a god send, I'm seeing a counsellor and nervously looking forward to setting my boundaries for the year ahead. What can possibly go wrong...?

Good luck for Thurs Nikki (your incubator comment made me lol)stay strong x


Nikki Greenfield 4 years ago

Thanks Taz for your support.

Be strong with NM, scape goats are always the stronger ones and that's what the rest of the family resents. their brains are wired different to yours. They get jealous of you, but you won't realize that. But when they try to upset you in some way, it's them trying to break you to there level of weakness. Keep your goat horns sharpened.

Nikki x


kelleyward 4 years ago

This is sad but it is in accepting who our parents are when we finally come to accept ourselves. Great article. Thanks


jussy364 4 years ago from brighton

this has been so informative and hope it will help me with helping someone I know x


caz58 4 years ago

Hi I am 53 yrs old. I have just realised I have a NM. This Christmas was so bad Mum did not even communicate with any of us. Just sat there and looked into space. I t was becoming more & more uncomfortable. None of my family knew what to say or do to make their Nanna engage in any conversation. So we all gave up. When we had Christmas lunch I tried to talk to her and asked if she liked the turkey. Her response was I don’t like turkey. I have only cooked turkey to make her happy so she was doing everything in her power to be hurtful.

I eventually asked my stepfather what was wrong and he said they had a big argument before they arrived at my place. He said that she had been unwell; mind you I go down this road all the time.

This was a difficult Christmas as my husband had lost his Mother on Christmas day 12mths ago but Mum had to make it about her. My Father in Law was at our place also and he commented on being uncomfortable in her presence.

When we started giving the presents I asked what was wrong and said I was worried and her reply was I don’t care. My Mum is not old only 72 and is a very fit woman. I was dumfounded by her reply which made me very upset but I held it together.

Today I saw the pattern I have put up with her nasty criticism for years. I have been the show pony in my family the pretty intelligent one. My sister the not so pretty not so intelligent one and my brother who will always be her favourite. Mum plays us one against the other and continues do to so.

I rang her the next day to see how she was but as usual she started to say hurtful things about my adult children. Mum even brought up things from the past and said to me you did not come to the cemetery with her when it was the anniversary of Dads passing. I was only 22 when Dad died and was devastated as he died from cancer and I visited my Dad every day. I said to her that was so nasty and that she holds on to grudges and she said she did. So I got angry and told her to take me out of the will as I want no strings attach to her love. I love my Mum very much but I have decided to have low contact and work out how to handle her because I always give in. Mum always hangs up on me and never apologises. I am weak when it comes to her but with the support of my family I will not ring her as I know now that how the pattern has been all my life.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

It is so sad that our own mothers would want to inflict such pain and put control above love. Once we realize what is going on, we know better, and can work towards healing and getting our lives back. No amount of love or attention is ever enough, so start dialing it back to a more comfortable level for you. Let her have the consequences of her actions and decisions. Remove yourself from the ridiculous behavior, and put yourself first. She will either want to improve to be with you, or you will be better off with low or no contact. Each of us is different, but the stories are all similar. Lean on your loving family, and surround yourself with people who appreciate the you with out conditions.

May each of us a Happy New Year, with newly found peace and happiness!;)


ManuelVinny 4 years ago

I´m so glad this have a name and i´m not the crazy Guy who hates his own mother

I grow up in a small town, Ialways feel like my family were my enemy, my house was a torture session, i only was happy in the street whit friends, playng football and being a kid or teenager, i have lost so many good friends because of my crazy attitudes tough, i thought everybody was rised in a family like mine so I act weird were there was a family/friend aproach, I totally run away since I was a kid of every family/society relationship, this messed up whit my public image in a small town, my mother played the ´´good mother´´ in front of others to make me feel guilty, and it worked so sickly well, i reallky did feel guilty. The worst think i did was start whit a kind of misoginist behavior, i started hate women because of my mother and mistreated my first grilfriendsin a crazy way, Ican´t avoid feeling guilty for that and i scrulled my image in small town again.

My mother always throwed in my face that i´m not the touching kind of Guy and i´m weird for that since i don´t hug and Kiss her when the thruth is she is the one Who never give me Love, she never tried to huggs me or Kiss me in a honest way nor in a fake way, she was only interest in discuss about it and make me believe i was weird

I´m 20 year old and live 100 miles away from her, it still the same thing, i still running alway and being tortured in christmas and birthdays, i don´t know what to do, suicidal was in my mind so many times.

All those NM histories were awsome, i saw a Litlle of myself in everyone´s life´s history


caz58 4 years ago

Hi Only Child.

Thank you for your very supportive words. Today I am really struggling. I have not heard from Mum since Boxing Day and now I feel I am the one who is going to give in again. My Dad always said "Never let the sun go down on a argument". My fear is if anything happened to her I would never forgive myself. I do realise this is the guilt trip that plays on my mind. My husband has told me to be strong and hold out for a while longer. My Father in Law tells me she is your mother no matter what and that I should give her a call. My sons 26 & 23 tell me to also not call her for a while. This the pattern all over again. I cant function and I am on the first decent holiday in 5yrs. I cant sleep and cry when I am on my own so my husband doesnt see me. Any words of advice. Also I have shared this with a close girlfriend for years and her comment was that my Mum would cut me out of her life because she is in control.


Sharon 4 years ago

I'm a 31 year old female who just found out last week that I have a Narcissistic Mother. I am living with her and my enabling Father and my 2 sons. I want to get out of here so badly. My oldest son (13) is introverted and acts like he has social anxiety, but he's addicted to video games. My youngest son (3) is wild and out of control like he has ADHD. My mother says I "play" with him too much, so I guess that's why he's so wild. By using the word "play" that actually means I love on him and we have fun together and we laugh and that's what is causing his behavior.

I was out of my home for 6 months but I moved back in like a idiot b/c of finances. I should have never come back. It's like I'm in so much pain and anger having to live here. My boyfriend is supportive but she has banned him from visiting me at the house so i have to sneak around (kinda) like a child to have visits with him. Everything is crazy and warped.

My father is addicted to pain pill and alcohol. I would be too if I was married to her. As she sits quietly in her favorite spot on couch watching wheel of fortune (so boring, get a life!)I walk by and look at her. I wonder how she feels about me at times. But I know, I'm a disappointment to her and I'm helpless and weak.

But I'm not! I want out, my boyfriend knows my pain but he doesn't make a lot of $ due to working part-time hours. But as soon as he gets another job we have to move in together. That's my only hope of getting out of here.

I have wasted so much time feeling worthless. I never lived, and if I did I was just on a brief escape that always ended when I would pull back up in the drive way and walk through the front door of this house.

I see that I'm not alone which is encouraging however it still doesn't help the fact that I'm still here. I want to get me and my kids out of here. It's going to be hard with my oldest son because she has spoiled him so much, basically to the point of making herself look wonderful and making me look bad. He probably won't want to go with me and she will fight me to the death over my oldest son. She told me before that I was a horrible mother. I told her to lower her voice because i didn't want him to hear her...she said "I WANT HIM TO HEAR ME, HE NEEDS TO KNOW YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER!" I hated her for that.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

For all of us, the journey is different. If I had it to do over again, I would have learned long ago to seek my own approval instead of my NMs. But at the same time, I now also realize that she groomed me for that guilt trip. Being able to refocus my direction in life has been a struggle, but with the help of counseling, supportive family and friends, and finally having a name for what I have experienced has helped me to heal and not spend as much energy internalizing everything. From my own personal situation, I can say that maintaining boundaries and distance on my own terms has lifted a great weight. I still have bad days, but am able to put it into perspective better. I also know her particular habits, so I know not to try to reason with her or talk about myself, and keep strict boundaries or I get sucked into the ridiculousness. You can't do it all without help and self-examination, as well as learning what it is that will address your own unique situation. In this new year, I hope that we all have the resolve to put ourselves first and to find the peace and happiness we all deserve. Everyone has that right.


Nikki 4 years ago

hello all, hope all is well.

Had my brain surgery 17 days ago. All went well and now i'm recovering at home.

nm rang us after christmas, but we decided not to answer. Nm doesn't know bout the operation. years ago i would of told nm, just to get some love or attention. It was a serious op, it took 4 hours. I did it on my own, i know she wouldn't care, so why bother. I feel great and more empowered


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Hi, Nikki.

It's so good to hear that you are doing well, which made my day!

I agree that it is pointless to discuss anything related to ourselves with our NMs. They turn it right back to themselves, and waste our energy. Put it towards healing and your own personal happiness.

You are truly more empowered, because you have released her grip on you, and moved on with your own strength.

Best wishes for your full recovery and happiness in this New Year and onward!


Nikki 4 years ago

Thanks only child 2

I wish you a very happy New Year and may your dreams come true. You deserve that. You're a lovely person


dotty1 profile image

dotty1 4 years ago from In my world

Can I just say?.... what a fantastic hub. Thank you for bringing to light a very sensitive subject of which you have displayed beautifully. I am saddened that so many have been 'Parented' by a NM, I just do not understand how someone can do this to their own?? You are all very brave for sharing also. X


rose 4 years ago

thankyou.

i thought i was virtually the only one who has extremely little contact with my mother for self preservation.

she is a classic narcissist!


Lilith 4 years ago

Hi all. I've know for some years now that I have an NM (and her ever-faithful enabling husband aka my father). The best advice I ever got about them is to never expect anything - and be occasionally surprised when they act like human beings. I would like to say I have cut off all contact, but I alternate between that and believing it could be better. (Hope springs eternal.)

I'm seeking the collective wisdom because we have entered a new phase - getting rid of everything. I left home at 13 and ever since then, there have been arguments about "my stuff" which is getting in their way. At least twice a year the "stuff" issue would arise - how they are trying to simplify their lives and are getting rid of my baby shoes, my grandmother's wedding album, etc. - unless I want to come (usually more than 500 miles) and get them ASAP. About five years ago, I finally extracted all "my" stuff (which includes both stuff once stored at their house and any memorabilia of my childhood).

I thought I might be done with this pattern - but we have a new practice - getting rid of money and family things. Now they send out emails that they are "downsizing" and getting rid of pictures, jewelry, etc. from my grandparents and before. I'm not even being given a chance to retrieve these as "they wouldn't be interesting to me" - having happened before I was born.

Having slowly and incompletely come to terms with the fact that I never had parents (i.e. caring, loving people who protected and supported me), I am panicking as I feel like I am now losing more family. It is just stuff - but the further loss of connection to functional ancestors is raising all my frustrations again.

Like so many NMs, my mother is a self-aggrandizer as well and she is also giving away the money she inherited from my grandfather. (Yes, it is her right and the causes are not awful, but there was no consideration that maybe her daughter would be a good recipient, either out of need or family legacy.)

Any one else with similar experiences or suggestions.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

A long time ago, my husband said, "You don't need her or her money. We'll make our own." Somehow that freed me from any of the conditions she's tried to use to make me do her bidding. Even sentimental items have lost their meaning, because they are symbols of what could have been and never were.

The people who have protected, loved, and supported me without conditions have become the focus of my life. I wish it could have been my mother, but I gave up on that hope long ago.

I read somewhere about making our own meaning in life, and that is the truest satisfaction I have found. By giving of ourselves to others in the manner in which we deserved, we can find a release from the past wounds.


Dsing 4 years ago

I too ( after reading this) realize I have a NM. I am the oldest of three children. I was the baby sitter, the house keeper, the cook and the shrink for my mom. She and my dad had constant problems and I had to hear ALL about his affairs and short comings. Funny thing.... I ADORED my dad. He always encouraged me , always made me feel like I had self worth and wanted to see me do well at everything I tried. My mom on the other hand always seemed to be jealous. She even asked me one time " has your dad ever tried to touch you?". REALLY????? I was so shocked I just said NO and walked away. My dad never ever tried to touch me!!!!!!! My mom was also jealous of my friends after I became a teenager. All my friends adored my dad and he adored them in the MOST appropriate way! But my mom didn't see it that way. I am now 47 years old and have simply had all I can take. My father and she divorced when I was 32 and my father passed away two years ago from cancer. My mom acts like they never divorced and she is the grieving widow. It is VERY strange. As a mom who is divorced from tHe father of her children, I can certainly understand that loss being painful, but she has taken it to a whole new level. I believe it is for attention!!!! She is an attention seeker. If I am working or busy with my family and don't call her, she gets mad. I GAVE HER a car ( because she couldn't afford one) and now she's mad at me because she has to pay her insurance?!?!?!?! She depends on me for everything!!!!! She has a serious gambling problem....she gambles her money away and then expects me to clean up the financial mess. This is just the VERY tip of the ice berg. I'm so exhausted. Any advice is welcome. I feel that I cannot stand her , cannot stand to talk to her and for 7 days now I have rejected all of her calls. Yet I feel guilty. Any solutions??


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Wow, such similarities. After my mother and father divorced in 78, she kept her married name and when he died in 81, she has declared herself a widow. They seem to create their fantasy, and want us all to play along. Of course, no one has it as bad as our NM, being the drama queens that they are. They love spending your time, your money, your energy, until we put a stop to it and rein ourselves in from rescuing them. We feel guilty because we were groomed to want their approval. Most mothers love unconditionally, but not the NM. Setting boundaries for LC, or NC as you have done, is a start. Each person has to work out what we can live with. Since an NM will take and take and nothing is ever enough, it has to start with you. No easy solutions, one day at a time when you have an NM. Most importantly, put yourself and your children first, something your NM never understood, and never will. Hang in there, regroup, and give yourself time to heal. It's a new year with new hope and possibilities.


4 years ago

Thank you so much for this. I am 29 and have two kids with one one the way and I am married to a man whom my mother has tried everything to get me to hate. It almost worked and i allowed her hogwash to get into my head and had her and my dad pay to move me out with my sons, into my own apartment. When I finally realizes I had made a huge mistake, I lost my job and my mom and dad of course paid my rent and did things for my boys which I could not. Now I have an eternal debt to my NM of course. I just now realized through my therapist what was wrong with my mother and now i want to run with my family far away but the guilt of taking my kids (who are little) from their grandma who they love so much (did I mention they're little...to little to see who she is yet). My brother...golden child, is extremely abusive to me verbally and called me last nighr to ask me if my husband had moved into my apartment and began to curse me out when i said we were back together saying things like...look what you did to this family and look what you did to mom. The last thing he said to me was that he hopes that I f'ING die so that my kids will at least have a chance bc after all, I'm the crazy one right? Let's not mention his horrible alcoholism...no one else in the family seems to. They say he has a problem but seem to accept it as the way he is. When.I had issues with addiction it was always 'worse' or 'different' than his. My personal favorite is my mother telling me that his constant verbal abuse against me was somehow OK because ' you've hurt him so many times with your addictions'. Are u kidding me!!!!?? My main concern now is...how do I distance myself from her when I have two kids that are so young and another one on the way (I'm just now pregnant and no one even knows yet except my husband and i). I am so hurt. I am most of all VERY ANGRY!!!! I just now discovered this in therapy one week ago and I don't know how to deal. I am especially upset by my brother telling my husband that he can have me (my husband jokingly said ...I should tell him, well thanks buddy but I.didn't know I was sharing her with you) he actually left my husband a voicemail trying to convince him to leave me bc i was unstable!!!! He said this in.the same breath as he said he hoped I died so my kids could have a chance. My mom started all of this by running to tell my brother that my husband lived here again...which he doesn't yet officially bc of lease issues and trying to get out of his...but he is here all the time. The saddest part of all is she told my brother that she heard this from my 4 year old who she claims said out of nowhere 'my dad lives with us'. Are u kidding me? She's now questioning my children??? My little boy is now being used by this woman who has used me all these years!!!! I refuse to continue this cycle. I want to stop contact with her but again....what if she takes me to court to see the kids? That is something she would do for sure. I'm just so over this. I just want to be happy and be with my family and my husbands family who, thank GOD, are wonderful. Thank u so much everyone for sharing. This means the world to me. Stay strong...you're not alone.


Nikki 4 years ago

Hello K

I went through the same thing with my kids were little.

becareful, she will turn your kids against you.take this seriously.

GET THE HELL AWAY FROM NM AND YOUR CRAZY BROTHER

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


meee 4 years ago

hi, i think i have nm, she is a drunk tooo... im 46 and dont want to talk to her, she always upsets me and makes me feel worthless... a totally unhappy childhood with far too many unhappy memories about her and the step father that she married. i really hope im not like her...


Laura 4 years ago

Oh my God, I can't believe I found this article. As a child I never liked my mother, she was cruel, physically, emotionally and verbally. She never once cared about me and receiving the basic things in life was like asking her for all the toys in the world. She would always said I was selfish and stupid, never good enough and I had little self-esteem which should would always beat me up about. I have now moved out and I am in counseling now. I still have the guilt of 'Oh she's still my mum, I still love her.' But that's the guilt and I don't want her negativity in my life anymore or my fathers, who was just passive and just walked away when she hit me. I'm still very angry at her for what she put me through, how embarrassing it was having friends over and not being cared or loved, just feeling a massive neglect inside me. Anytime I wanted to speak to her about my problems she would just make it about her and how tragic her life is. She never once cared how I felt. I'm so sick of her and my father. I know you need compassion and forgiveness to heal, I want to heal but there's a lot of anger in me. The best thing I need to do now is not see her or contact her.


free jen 4 years ago

Hi everyone.

Thanks for your incredible honesty. Just reading the stories makes me feel so much better about myself. I finally am able to accept that it's not my fault and I am justified in my feelings of hurt and anger. I feel, finally, that I'm not alone.

I'm 49, which I notice is a similar age to a lot of people posting on this site. I wonder if maturity makes the scapegoat finally say "Hey, this is not my fault! I don't deserve to be treated like this!"

My story is nowhere near as bad as some of the terrible things I've read here. She's fairly wealthy, my father is very supportive to her and my "golden child" sister while he still manages to love me. He's definitely an an enabler and she's absolutely a narcissist but luckily for me, it's fairly mild.

My sister, on the other hand, is an absolute monster and always has been. She's two years younger than me, terribly terribly jealous, addicted to gambling, alcohol, marijuana, facebook and cybersex. Because she's lost every penny she's ever earned or inherited (we both inherited about $300,000 20 years ago - she frittered it away until there was nothing left and she and her daughter were homeless), they bought her a house last year. They disguise it by saying it's actually an investment and of course she pays rent (yes, we all believe she pays rent!). It's apparently going to be inherited jointly by both of us. I actually don't mind that much that they've bought this idiot a house, I just wish they could be honest and say "We bought your sister a house because we're worried about her and her daughter as we know we can't trust her to pay rent." Why the dishonesty? Why do they keep pretending that this person, who lies, cheats and steals, is so perfect yet I, who have a very good career, nice kids, a pleasant ex-husband and a wonderful new husband, am the black sheep? It doesn't make sense, I hate and resent it but finally, after spending a day doing nothing but googling "narcissistic mothers", I can accept that it's never going to change. Thank you all so much for that. It makes me feel I can be a better person without the anger and resentment.

I've never been abused physically or sexually, been locked out in the rain or had to do extra chores. My problem has always been the "golden child" syndrome where my sister has been put on a pedestal, I think originally because she was a very sick child. She actually has a syndrome called velocardiofacial syndrome which unfortunately, her daughter has inherited. I do understand a mother needing to spent extra time with a sick child. I don't understand why the other child should be punished for that sickness. Maybe I was punished because my NM thinks I should be the one that was sick? I don't know. I had a miserable, unloving childhood because my dad was always at work. He loved me but he wasn't there much of the time.

I was apparently a "terrible" teenager who gave her nothing but trouble yet my sister, who took drugs, had an abortion, ran away, was always held up as the "good child". I was just a nuisance, still am.

Yet, every time I've tried to escape, I get pulled back in. It's almost as if I annoy her by existing but she can't live without her fix. She needs to keep in touch with me, to tell me what I'm doing wrong, to ask inappropriate questions, to embarrass and humiliate me in front of my adult children and new husband.

I need to write down the latest horror:

They live about 200km north of Sydney. My husband (who was still my fiance at Christmas time) is a chef and was working over Christmas, so the kids, my son's fiancee and myself drove up there on Christmas Eve to spend Christmas with them. I now realise we shouldn't have because we were all exhausted from working full time and getting ready for the Christmas rush and my daughter was feeling guilty as her dad wanted her to spend Christmas with him. I had suggested to my mother prior that they come down to us so my fiance could be there and my daughter could see her dad but apparently that wasn't an option as it was too much trouble and NM had already bought a ham. A bloody ham!

So up we trekked, got there and it started. "We've put menus on your beds for tomorrow's breakfast". (Oh please, just let me have a piece of toast!) "We're having a barbeque tonight, who's having steak? Who's having sausage? Who's having chicken?" (I don't know Mum, I just drove 200km and I don't care what we're having for dinner.) Then the sister and her daughter arrive and my kids and I, who they haven't seen since August, are firmly put in the back seat. Once L's there, nobody is allowed to talk about anything except L and her daughter P. "L's just had her hair cut, doesn't it look great?" "I bought P a lovely dress for your wedding". "You have to come and see L's house." (Hang on, isn't that an investment property?) "I spent ages finding an outfit for L to wear to your wedding". (This was the only reference to my upcoming wedding made over the entire Christmas.)

Christmas day was worse. I offered to cook the bacon for breakfast but was told "After last year? You cooked way to much bacon. We're not made of money, you know." L went off somewhere leaving P behind (which she does all the time - my son's fiance looked at the calendar and almost every day us marked "mind P" so I got to cook the Christmas dinner because my mother was too tired. Anyway, I didn't do it right.

The last straw was Christmas night. My terrible sister had left and Mum and Dad were watching TV. The kids and I were chatting in the kitchen and NM calls out "Can you be quiet please?" So we go outside. She calls out "Turn the outside light off, you're wasting electricity." So I said to the kids "Let's go home tomorrow". They agreed, couldn't wait to get out of there.

Then my son told me L had been hassling him for weeks on facebook to bring up some marijuana (my son had a drug habit during his teens which his fiance and I helped him through) and my daughter told me she'd caught L (who loudly proclaims she doesn't smoke anymore) stealing their cigarettes. So we agreed first thing Boxing Day out of there.

My parents found me packing the next morning, my mother started on about ingratitude and how she wanted me to see my sister's house. I agreed to go and see the bloody house. She said (aggressively) "What's wrong now?" So I told her. I said we didn't feel welcome, we felt like second class citizens, we thought it better if we leave before tempers flare. She said "Well, I find your attitude very hard to understand" and stomped off. I woke the kids up and they packed quickly. My father camne back, she told him what I said so he grabbed everything of mine he could find, threw it out the front door, did the whole "never darken my doorway again" thing, then they both started screaming at me. The kids and I screamed back, I told them they weren't welcome at my wedding and I wanted to be disinherited. He said "You already have been".

Then three days later, my fiance and I went for a bushwalk and unfortunately I fell and snapped my achilles tendon (tight muscles, anyone?). I was in plaster for my wedding but it didn't matter.

I did call them later and re-invite them to my wedding but not my sister or her daughter. Dad said "L wouldn't want to come to your wedding after the lies you said".

So they came to the wedding. NM had a scowl on all day and the only words she spoke to me were "I like that dress better than the other one" (my original wedding dress was kneelength so we had to by a long one).

Last week I had to have the achilles tendon operated on. I phoned my father to tell him but NM made him get off the phone because they were playing bridge with frends. The day before the surgery, my NM actually rang - mistakenly I thought to wish me well - all she wanted was to have "a talk" which in the past, always means telling me how badly I've hurt her. I said it wasn't an option until after the surgery. No contact since.

Oh, and we're still waiting for a wedding present. Must have gotten lost in the mail!

Thanks for readin


Nikki 4 years ago

Hi free jen, hope allis well.

Congratulations for your wedding!

My goodness you sound just like me. Hello fellow scapegoat.

When i read your comment, it brought back alot of memories.

Practically the same. I'm over all that stuff with nm.

Had decided a while back, not to have contact. Still to this day, i know i have done the right thing.

They are just incubators love. They are jealous of the scapegoat and yet want us around to get a fix. My nm knows i'm never going back, ever no matter what. May God help us always. But have you noticed you're much stronger,understanding,smarter,loving and caring tham any of your nm, dad and sis. Live your life fellow scapegoat, be happy with out nm, believe me, you just don't know what lies around the corner. Be happy with what you have in life, without nm.

Nikki x x


Tot 4 years ago

This has been a really meaningful post for me. I have a narcissistic mother. She showered me with attention but most of it I didn't need. "You're looking fat" and then when I developed an eating disorder and was 5'7" and 105 pounds- "You look great!". Ugh.

I could never keep friends my whole childhood because she made fun of them and talked trash about them so I thought I was better then them. I learned to hate people way before I learned to love and communicate with them.

I promptly moved across the country as soon as I could. She recently visited me and all those old feelings from childhood came back. Others don't understand how I can despise my mother so much. This article made me feel relieved. It's ok for me to distance myself from her. It's also ok for me to not feel bad about it. And the best part- there's no need to confront her since it won't do any good.

Thank you!


kchan6 4 years ago

I have struggled with my mother for most of my life. She is the main source of unhappiness in my life and I have recently decided enough is enough. I haven't talked to her now for about 5 weeks and while I feel tremendous sadness and guilt, I don't feel as worthless as I do when she is around. My mother is the most critical, manipulative person I've ever met...nothing I have ever done has been good enough. My weight has been a constant source of ridicule for years..while I started out maybe 20 pounds overweight..I'm now 50 pounds over, but what do you expect when your entire worth is based on your appearance and you're reminded of that at every possible opportunity? If I didn't have esteem issues before I sure do now. My mother's typical greeting was always a slow disgusted look up and down....lovely. I was always a good daughter...trying so hard to please my mom but never achieving that. I worked hard in school, completed 2 degrees, bought a house, married a great man and paid for everything myself....but still I'm not good enough. I never gave her hassles growing up...no alcohol, no drugs, I never had to be reminded to do homework...I mean, really how hard did she have it? I have developed a lot of anxiety and stress as an adult because I'm always waiting for the next assault...always preparing for it. People think I'm strange to hate holidays like x-mas, but really....why would I enjoy those? It's like an invitation to abuse. My dad is great, but in all those years he has stood by and watched while I got the brunt...and while part of me is sad..I can understand because she would have just given it to him worse. So while all this is sad and depressing and so bloody hard...I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Thank you guys...and stay strong.


free jen 4 years ago

Hi Kchan,

Me too! It's just so wonderful to have found this group. We're all the same, just the degree of abuse changes. I hate xmas too, always have done.

I showed this to my daughter today, she was completely unsurprised by all this, apparently she and my son have known their nana was a (can't say the words) for years! So wonderful to have my kids' support.

Thanks Nikki for your kind comments too. We may not be the most abused but it still hurts terribly.

Don't know any of you personally but I feel such a strong bond. Don't let the bitches get you down! And btw, I know we're meant to be at the beach all day in Sydney but it's pouring with rain and has been all summer!

Jen xxx


tot 4 years ago

I decided to write a few more thought on my NM since she is of a unique variety.

Growing up my father had a job that took him away from the household for extended periods of time. She always insinuates that she raised me and my younger brother by herself while working full time (although I recently learned she worked part time for many many years when we were young). She loves being the victim so much that she brings hardship on herself for no reason. She would swing between catering to me and brother hand and foot to screaming and yelling for us to pick up after ourselves. I always thought she was bipolar. I was instructed by my dad at a young age to "walk on eggshells around her" and just let her be right because it's not worth it. That is....until the big falling out happened.

When I was 23 she called my dad (while he was far away on work) and told him she was leaving him for another man and he "should be happy for me as I'm finally in love". WTF? Anyway, I became my dad's rock and pretty much avoided her for years. I'm now 28 and have slowly let her back into my life. It was hard at first as she would cry for no reason at all. If my brother or I would say something slightly sarcastic she would break down in tears because she always thinks people are talking about her.

Now she is on her best behavior because I think she is afraid of losing us again. When my parents first separated, my dad and I read a book about narcissists and realized that is what she is. It explained so much!

She now showers me in gifts (that I tell her I don't want but she still gives me) so she has some type of control over me. But she doesn't ever supply the emotional noursihment of a mother...or even a friend for that matter. She only talks about herself and only engages in a conversation if she can tell a story about herself. I can start telling her about a particularly difficult event at work and she'll take the first opportunity to talk about her own job. I've spent countless hours supporting her struggles at work and with her husband (who she now despises and proudly states in arguments with him "I'm always right, when will you learn that?"). Not once has she attempted to support me through anything difficult.

I bought a house recently with the love of my life and she visited for the first time. (Side note: I asked her to come for 3 days max and she booked her trip for 5 days...thanks). She spent the whole time acting as if it was her house (insisting on making all the meals, brewing the morning coffee, etc) and kept giving me all these "tips" on where to make improvements. She'll occasionally gasp "I just love your house! You have such a great life!", but then quickly cycles it over to what she would do if she lived here, etc. She made a meal with meat (we are vegetarians) and said "Oh you just have to keep reminding me you are a vegetarian. One little time eating meat won't hurt you." So I made a separate meal for us and she was pissed.

I was actually looking forward to her coming since I don't see her that much and she can be a fun person. But all the feelings I had as a child came back. And now I don't have the need to constantly seek approval from her since she's long been thrown off the pedestal. I learned to significantly lower my expectations of her after how she handled the separation with my dad.(Only once has she ever admitted she could have handled that better. Not only did she "dump" him over the phone but she refused to ever meet with him in person after that so he never was able to really get the closure he so desperately wanted.)

So, I've come to the conclusion that she is a milder version of an NM. I think she would be much worse if I hadn't forced her out of my life for that 2 year period. But now I'm at a point where I had to, again, lower my expectations of her and stop letting her into my life. She dissapoints every time.

I appreciate everyone elses' posts on here. It's made me think more critically about my mother's behavior and it's effects on my life. I'm starting to better understand the boundaries I need to have with her in order to maintain a relationship that doesn't turn me into a person I don't want to be. I spent years acting like a narcissist and never ever want to be like her. Thank you so much for sharing your stories.


GB 4 years ago

I am 54 and realized I had a problem with my argumenative, crital, always the victim (my mother) for many yrs. Finally, there is a term for it. I have chosen not to be her victim anymore and quite honestly would cry over my dead dog more than her death. Too many yrs. of mental abuse. She would write me out of her will if I dropped all contact with her - therefore, I am still in touch with this total narcisstic bitch.


Meche 4 years ago

I am so glad find this. I am 35 and have suffered my whole life with an unloving woman as my mother. I won't go into details, as I am sure everyone has suffered too. This kind of abuse can be fatal. I am almost at the end of the rope. It is comforting that it is out there and I am not alone. I am sorry that you all suffer too.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

I think I have previously posted that I have gone NC in my heart even though I have LC with my NM. Even though I love my NM, and still have contact with her because she and my aunt are elderly, I have moved away from allowing her to manipulate and control me. Depending upon your NMs characteristics, you can learn how to work around the NMm and still have some peace of mind. For the first time in my life, my contact with my NM is on my terms, and I encourage each of us here to resolve to find ways to make their lives more tolerable, whether it be LC or NC. Only you know what is going to help you to heal and move forward. I draw great strength from each of you, and that is a comfort and a stability I never had from my NM. It helps me to find better ways to manage my life, and to move the NM to the background that she deserves. It's a shame that they don't realize what they are missing out on.


Louise 4 years ago

hey GB.....that's exactly why I still have contact....don't want to miss out on the will.....its painful but I try not too take all the rubbish too seriously....its not really about me.


Jenna 4 years ago

Thank you for this post! I realized, today, after randomly finding a page about narcissism, that my father is. I've always been my own person though so he basically hates everything I do and criticise me when he can. I tried to tell my mother that he is, but she's delusional and says that he's nice "sometimes" and that he "wasn't like that in the beginning". When he's mean to me, I'm mean back and the smallest little thing becomes a huge fight and I promise myself to not forgive him, but he comes back and guilts me and manipulates me into saying sorry. It's ALWAYS my fault. And everyone BUT him are idiots, according to him. I just wanna cut him out of my life, but how can I leave him without leaving my mother behind?


Only Child 2 4 years ago

I have the same problem with my mother and aunt. My aunt is a lovely person, and more of a mother to me than my NM ever was. And they live together. My aunt defends my mother in every situation, and now has dementia, so my mother manipulates her story so my aunt will believe that my mother is always right. I can't go NC with my NM, without abandoning my aunt, who would be heartbroken. My compromise is to not allow my NM to push my buttons. We used to have huge arguments and my mother is very quick to instigate one. But now I don't argue or react to any mean comments because you can't win a fight with a narcissist. I change the subject. Whenever I am around her, my NM gets to do all the talking and I agree with anything in reason, or parrot back to her basically what she just said. That seems to please her. I know her characteristics, and try to stay one step ahead of her. If I have to, I fabricate (nice word for lie)about what I am doing if my NM tries to manipulate me. Once I learned how to avoid a fight with her, things are more calm and I can enjoy my aunt and keep my NM at bay. If you figure your father out, you will have the upper hand in both your dealings with him and being able to be with your mother. I don't know the particulars of your situation, but if you learn about the narcissist characteristics he has, you can then set boundaries that work for you. After a while, you realize how transparent a narcissist is, and how it is not a matter of changing them, but your reactions to them. It takes time, but you can do it.


Dawn 4 years ago

Thank you for writing this. I, myself grew up with a mother who I believe is Narcissistic mother. Unfortunately, I was not her favorite... But her scapegoat as you put it.

Almost a year ago, I met a wonderful man who had recently went through a divorce. The stories he told, were incredibly close to how I viewed my fathers daily experiences as....The more I get to know his two children, I know that they are indeed experiencing the same torture I did growing up. The oldest recently went away to college, and stays there mostly ( I can understand why ), but I wish I could help the younger of the two. He is hurting. But he has those feelings of fear & wanting to please which is very evident & all too familiar to me. I wish there was something I could do to help him. The only thing that worked for me was to get away from my mom. Obviously, I can't tell him that.


Jenna 4 years ago

Make sure that you FEED him with love. Compliment him, make sure he knows that he's good enough as he is, encourage him to do what HE wants to do, support him in his choices and make sure he knows that at your house, it's okay to make his own decisions. I don't know how old he is, but the younger he is, the easier it will be for him to learn that it's actually okay to be the way he is and not constantly be criticized and stuff for having his own opinions, dreams and wishes.


Jenna 4 years ago

Make sure that you FEED him with love. Compliment him, make sure he knows that he's good enough as he is, encourage him to do what HE wants to do, support him in his choices and make sure he knows that at your house, it's okay to make his own decisions. I don't know how old he is, but the younger he is, the easier it will be for him to learn that it's actually okay to be the way he is and not constantly be criticized and stuff for having his own opinions, dreams and wishes.


ricky 4 years ago

hi guys, i guess this is a hard thing to do but i just realized i have nm also. i'm 29 years old and have to battle a drinking/drug problem for almost 9 years. my mother never even noticed even when i had to go to the hospital bc i almost over dosed. i somehow managed to find inner strength and stop abusing and my thoughts became much more clear. i knew i had something eating me alive but i couldn't put my finger on it. when i got on this site and read everyone's stories it made me feel so much better. i looked back at my childhood and the neglect that turned into anger and i realized i could never tell her this because it would be turned around on me like always. i went to my parents house just this past saturday to tell them about my empty feeling and broke down, i was told to stop crying and if i wanted a trophy for kicking my bad habits. it then dawned on me i couldn't let these people bring me down anymore, i have friends and other family who care more. from reading the post it seems like the majority of people have had to cut ties with the parent. i didn't make my decision based off that but i am going the same route and somewhat nervous but i know i will be relieved in the long run.


Nikki 4 years ago

Hi Ricky, hope you're fine.

I know what you mean, when they don't really care. When you cried in front of them, you would expect a hug or some kind words, to make you feel better. That is hoe NM's are. They will never change. I was going through the same thing as you, at 29 and now i'm 48, they are still the same. I had to cut off, because i couldn't take it anymore.

Just recently i had brain surgery. thank god all is well.

I didn't even tell NM about this serious op.

That's how strong i am now. I'm happier. I'm free.

You make sure you are 100% sure you want to cut off.

It took me 30 years to know who i really am. I was made to feel worthless, unloved, everything was my fault, couldn't speak or NM would get jealous, she always wants all the attention.

I'm glad i'm free, but i had no choice.

All the best Ricky, make sure you're ready to cut off.

Nikki


ricky 4 years ago

Nikki- thanks for responding and i think our stories are very much alike. this is day two of my healing process and the void is already gone but i know i have a long way to go. i was able to wake up at 630 and go to the gym and tell my friends about what was going on because i'm no longer ashamed and it wasn't my fault. i am 100% ready to move on without them.


elise 4 years ago

hi. this article is describing the smothering narcissistic mom. i have the ignoring narcissistic mom. shed only be too happy if i left, without a place to go or a car, because she got jealous i cleaned up her messy house and my dad liked that and she saw us getting along and him treating me like a valued family member (i just came back home after being away in another country to be near my daughter and my dog and make a go to be with my family - even though she made me an outcast.) So she got jealous and decided to spin her discontent about me and brainwashing my dad (Again) that i am wrecking up their lives and have to leave unless i admit there is something wrong with me and get psychological treatment so she can feel better about herself and enable her to continue her abuse by using this later against me by hurting my self esteem. As long as she has everything that is mine, including my dog (which she doesn't like) and power over my daughter and knowing that i will feel lonely and bad because ill have no way to see my daughter without a car, and that ill be almost destitute, then it gives her control. She is very cold and speaks in a cold tone, unless she wants to manipulate me. she made me second guess myself all my life. I fought back, and she only used it to say there is something wrong with me. She is devious and sly, and i always wanted to have her accept me and approve me. but this woman cant even compliment me. So now my father who is her Enabler, just always believe and does what she says. He can't even think for himself. SO even though i just returned home 2 months ago, found 2 jobs (though im only getting 2 to 3 days a week till business picks up) made their house better, gave them my savings (so now I have no money) and want us to be a family, my mother is now determined to label me as her home wrecker. so i must do what she says or i will be homeless and i wont have any way to see my daughter as i dont have credit to buy a car. my mother loves to make me feel completely helpless. and she loves to make digs at me - like: you are not a equal family member because we are providing you food, and: you dont have a a decent wage job, (though i just got here) and: i did my job, that's why i have a pension, AND I have more friends than you so i have every right to tell you what to do and talk about you in front of you. I want to leave permanently, but I cant until i know that i am going to have enough money from working to support myself. have a car, a phone, and a place that will accept a dog. Till then, she is determined to wreck up any efforts i've made with my return home of being a desirable family member. She is a thief, and now I am done trying. I don't have a family. I must accept that I might be living alone very soon, and forget about my family for good. But i wont leave without my dog, as she is all i have now. Till then I will have to do what the queen says and listen to them blaming and complaining about me from sunrise to sundown about anything, literally anything that bothers them.


luved 4 years ago

wow so so sad and i am 31 and just recently found out my mother has npd as well. I am so thankful for this site.


amber 4 years ago

I cried several times reading this, and you understand the pain of living with a mother like that. i need help from someone that understands. im 26 and live at home, my mom was a single mother and im her only child. at 18 i became a mother as well...something my mother has never forgiven me for. she could not have other children, and so it was as if i had purposefully had my son to spite her. now she sees it as an chance. 2 years ago i tried to leave home and take my son with me, immediately following the announcement that we were moving she filed for custody of my son. we went to court, she accused me of horrible things...but none of it was true so instead she granted court ordered visitation. after several months on our own, my job laid off everyone and went out of business. mom offered shelter and seemed as if she had changed. but no sooner had we come back then she started calling me names and demeaning me every moment she had, often in front of my son....i have a boyfriend now, a good wonderful man ive known since i was young who unfortunately made a few mistakes in his past after he left high school where we had gone to school together. we want to move into together, but my mom is threatening to take custody of my son if i even try and saying she will get him because of my boyfriends troubled past. i am scared and feeling so hopeless....please help me. no one here understands....she tells everyone such awful things about me that no one will help me escape. i dont know what to do.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

I'm not and expert, but I could not live with my NM under any circumstances, and moved out when I was 22. If it is possible, make plans to get out as soon as possible for your own healing. Get counsel (often there are free legal aid services) about your rights as a parent, and lots of these NMs make threats that they can't follow through on, but play upon our fears. If there is a family or friend that you can live with, that may be the best option. In the presence of the NM, you can barely think straight in some instances. So, get some time to yourself to think, and work towards your goals and happiness in life. Don't let your NM drag you down with her. Once you are out of there, living your own life and thinking your own thoughts without criticism, you can find your own way and decide if it is better to be Low Contact or No Contact. Each person knows what's best and will work for her individual situation. One thing to remember: an NM never changes, but you can change how you react to her.


crys 4 years ago

Wow, Thank you to all of you, especially Jamie and Nikki for their comments. I feel so happy that I have a name for my Mom's problem. I just turned 51 last month and my mother blew for the last time to me. Independently, I decided that she was not good for me to see anymore. I was feeling guilty but happen to find loads of stuff on Narcisstic Mothers. I AM NORMAL- wonderful! What a present this site has been. Thanks again.


janie51 4 years ago

My husband is the favorite child of a NM and as such has a hard time understanding the resentment of his three siblings who are constantly found unworthy of her time and attention. As someone who refuses to tolerate her nonsense i am astounded at the lengths her children will go to in order to keep her happy (she never is) and how fearful these adult children are of her nasty temper and vile behavior the moment she is challenged. My late father-in-laws mantra was always "we mustn't upset mother", and he lived by this all through their marriage until it eventually exhausted him. She refused to acknowledge the seriousness of his final illness even though we could all see just how poorly he was and was unable to recognize our grief as being of any importance. Recently her only daughter was diagnosed with having a brain tumor but that hasn't fostered any empathy or compassion in this awful woman who retorted that it would only give her daughter another excuse not to visit. She hasn't telephoned her daughter in almost two months now and is dismissive of our concerns complaining only of a pain in her leg when her daughters illness is mentioned. I can see now that her poor daughter has always been the scapegoat, never as attractive/slim/intelligent etc as her (also loved by her father to her mothers chagrin) and now that this lady is having such a hard time with her health her mother seems just plain jealous of any attention she is getting. One son has not spoken to her for 20 years now and another son suffered a mental breakdown due in a large part to his being unable to come to terms with the fact that his mother told him many times that as her last child he was a mistake and that she came home from the doctors in tears after learning that she was pregnant with him. My husband on the other hand seems bewildered by all this but like his mother he has never learned to utter the word sorry or admit when he is in the wrong. On the other hand even he has to be cajoled into visiting her and has always addressed her as "mother" and never "mom".


Michael 4 years ago

im 21 reading this article has made me realized im not alone in this world. My mother is a narccist. and i was her favorite and my brother was the scapegoat by the time i was 10 i thought everybodys mother was the way she was and i hated how she ridiculed my brother for bieng heavy and used to drag me to psyciatrist offices for bieng out of control but i never got in trouble in school and i always passed my classes i moved out when 12 when my parents got divorced and i lived happily with my dad. my brother suprisngly moved with my mom and she has made him miserble for years recently my father went bankrupt and lost his job and i took a job and went to school my mom married a rich guy who is not nice so she helped me finincaly and has suported me while im in school she never lets me forget that but i think of all the presents and stuff she gets me as a tax for her putting me through so much torment as a child. i dispise the way she is. i hope i never turn out like her. but im worried that if get rid of her ill be on the streets boke and penniless but im also worried that if i dont get rid of her that ill be miserble and have the same problems over and over.


Athena 4 years ago

I feel such comfort, that I am not alone, with this problem, I am 44, and like the majority of the postings, I always thought I had to work harder to try and get some approval, but was always never good enough. I can relate to so many of you. And yes, the only solution, is to distance yourself, and I don't miss my parents, if anything I haven't felt such peace in my heart, in the past year. Life is too short, I always surround myself with positive people, and look at being alive as a blessing everyday. The words, you will always be alone, your brother this your sister that, putting all siblings against each other, was horrible. As human beings if e can find that inner strength we can overcome anything:)


LJ 4 years ago

Just a few hours ago I was in complete rage after hanging up the phone with my mom. Thinking I was the only one with a mother who's so self absorbed and critical about every single thing I do. It's never good enough for her. I thought no one would understand. Not expecting to find anything promising when I searched for 'critical mothers'... Boy! was I relieved to find this article, after reading it and everyone's responds, suddenly my problem seemed so small! Now it makes sense why I've always been attracted to narcissistic men, sigh.

I've just moved to another city 2 mths ago and having to lie that I'm here for work. Now I'm seriously thinking of moving to another country. And will be happy to ignore the next time she calls. I'm Chinese. In the chinese culture it's not OK to move out from your parents home unless you're married or working in outstation, no matter how old you are. Worst still, if your mother is a Narcissist, Single and an Alcoholic. I have a brother, the apple of her eye of coz, who has also turned into a narcissist and an alcoholic, thanks to my NM.

It is really quite a relief to know I'm not alone. Thank you so much everyone for sharing your painful experiences so honestly and especially to gloriarubio278 for starting this thread, hope you're all on the speedy road to recovery. Much love.


Nikki 4 years ago

Hello everyone, hope all is well. Things are going well for me. I'm still recovering from my brain surgery, each day gets better.

Heard on the grape vine that NM found out i had my operation. Apparently she didn't want to see me because i cut off 8 months ago. The good thing is that my dad got upset with her. He saw her true colors. He was upset with NM because she didn't care about me after such a serious operation. Any way i don't mind my dad seeing me, but not NM. As of yet, he hasn't seen me. It's good to know that NM's can be caught out on who they really are. My Dad always believed her that she cared about me

but, her ugly rotten head raised. So NM showed that she didn't care if i lived or died. Ha Ha that rotten seed

showed the true colors in front of my dad. I found out that they had a bad arguement over this. Any ways, it's good to know that NM's get caught out sooner or later. To be honest i don't really care either way. But good wins over evil every time.

Love Nikki


Andre 4 years ago

I'm a boy. Well a man now of course. Almost 50. My mother was very extreemly obsessivly controlling but only it seems in one aspect of my life and that was controlling my clothes.

I grew up in the 1970's and boys wore short shorts and long socks but my mother made an art form out of it. Obviously as a young kid, your mother does control your clothes but I never got to choose what I was to wear. She would buy the clothes and even into my late teens, she would put out on my bed what I was to wear and if I did not wear it then she would go all quiet and tight lipped and not talk to me.

She was obsessive about my clothes. Shorts had to be short and often tight. We would go shopping and I would be made to try on shorts and she would pick smaller sizes and pat me on the bottom to make sure they were tight across my bottom. Sometimes she would even turn up the cuffs of the shorts and sew them to make them short enough. She would sew up all except one pocket and I was never allowed to stand with my hands in my posckets. For shirts she liked me to wear muscle shirts these are like a tight tee shirt with wide shoulers but no sleeves or just a quarter sleeve. All the time I had to wear long socks. My first long pants were my school uniform when I was in high school and even then it was only after the school had written to her several times telling her that shorts were not part of the uniform. I was acutely embarrassed and self conscious but she was totally oblivious to my feelings and even till the day she died, if the topic came up of my childhood, she would talk about how cute and well dressed I looked.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Good does usually win over evil, but not always in the ways we set forth in our minds. We, as children of NMs, learn to distance ourselves enough to find our own peace, even if it means LC, NC, or PC, which I'd like to call Perceived Contact. To me, it means learning how to present the contact with the NM that is, on the surface, everything she wants: to be listened to, agreed with, and focused on whenever I'm with her, but to do my own thing otherwise. I have told her that I'm at a conference when I went on vacation, and she knows almost nothing about me as a person. I like it that way, because long ago I gave up on having a real mother-daughter relationship. I found it in other people who were more trustworthy and returned my unconditional love. I try not to give her ammunition to use, or reasons to berate me. I try never to go back to the past, because each new day that I have control over my own life is a victory, ever so small that it may be.


kelj 4 years ago

I have posted before about my NM, and recently she has been happy, not half as critical because she ha s anew boyfriend. I see her still, minimal visits. Its ok, for now. My family just don't bother with me, I am the invisible one, the one they don't give much of a shit about and don't see. I am the second best, constantly my nose being rubbed in at the fact my bro and sis are really successful, and the fact that they don't care/don't bother when I genuinely love them, that is my crime. I have tried to see them and have contact with them, example ring my brother today becuase he posts on fb to day he is down, I phone him aske him hes ok and I just cut off and gotta go now, yet he is all over my sister like flies on shit. I am not jealous of the pair of them, Im just different, creative and good at art. But I get told I should do this why did I quit that, the truth is after a lifetime of put downs and criticism, and no self confidence, I always run at success. My sister has an increased inflated sense of self worth and thinks she is too good to be in touch with me, and looks down at me as pond scum, I swear. Her fiance is even worse. I know at the end of the day, that they arent' worth getting n touch with and I don't even see them socially now. If anything happened to my mum, I probably wouldn't bother with either of them. I know they are adults, but it don't half hurt and I have tried to tell them how I feel, I get told I am just being stupid and not to be so silly. I have had enough now. I do my own thing and nto abide by their judgement, I recently left a college course (equiv of a GED) because of IBS and depression, and I can imagine all the comments spilling out of their toxic gobs. I also mentioned I was getting married and the comment I got was "what are u doing that for?" as though I was tryign to upstage my sister who is getting married and having quite a lavish wedding. I do begrudge her this; I am happy for her, she can do whatever makes her happy. The same thing back does not apply for me though. Are not siblings meant to be close? Kind of accepted that my NM and me will never be close, and my alcoholic father is out of the picture, due to his own self-loathing and unresolved deep personal issues that he tried to deflect onto family through bad choices. All I see with my family, is that they all like to keep up with the materialstic life style and believe that materialism makes u happy. And because I could be regarded as poor materially, but rich in heart and spirit, I am treated like a leper, social outcast, and black sheep. But I know although I might be eccentric, I am valued by other people who value me and treat me like I am someone with a good heart and a good sense of humour! But it just hurts when I wish things were different, but it never will be. I don't know whether to drift off, and I know I certainly do not want any of these absent sometimes toxic people at my wedding.


Harvey Collard 4 years ago

This is amazing! My mother is the same way. While I feel so bad for all of you, it is comforting to know that I'm not alone! I really have repressed half of my childhood. My mother divorced my Dad (who is a great guy, but really really passive) and married a sexual predator and creep. She disappeared from my life for several years, before deciding she needed the extra help, for the new family she started, and demanded me back in her life.

I was "home schooled" and by that I mean, it was her idea to isolate me from any outside influence, and use me as labor on whatever job she had at the time (ex: taking care of all the daycare kids she took in, plus foster kids, plus my brand new baby half-brothers.) In the meantime her husband started trying to see if he could get away with sexually abusing me...not my brothers or sister...just me, cuz I was the most sympathetic, empathetic and easily hurt (I still am a very sensitive person.)

When I told my NM on him, she downplayed it and I was once again deployed to my father's house, rarely hearing from my NM, if ever...

She eventually divorced that new husband, after he became so obsessed with her that she became bored with him. She flirted with all my boyfriends, constantly made fun of and insulted my siblings and dad behind their backs to me, and expected me to call/be there for her at the drop of a hat.

I am 24 now, a full time college student, living independently, and with my wonderful partner, 3 hours away from my NM. I have discontinued all contact with her, because I am sick of her making me feel like a nothing. It doesn't matter how many degrees or achievements I get, to her I will always be the "rebellious" one. Well, she'd be right, if by rebellious she means, the one who dared to break the cycle. The one who finally saw that it was all a lie, all manipulation and no real love.

She flies off the handle if myself or any of my siblings describe our truamatic childhood as anything less than perfect. She throws tantrums where she'll call sounding nice enough, ask me for a favor, I'll mention that I am busy, she'll call me a bunch of horrible names, hang-up...then call again 2 minutes later, scream at me some more, then hang-up again.

It's really sad...it used to break my heart, now I just don't pick up when I see she's calling.

Sometimes I still feel guilty about not wanting her in my life...then I remember how she didn't take the time to give me an elementary education, didn't call or show her face for months on end (when I was 8-9 years old.) Told me I was too stupid to ever go to college, and would rally the whole family together to exclude and loudly talk about me.

I have recently accepted the fact that I am a trans-gendered person, and that it is ok to be so. My NM would always poke fun at masculine ladies, and make nasty comments about them comparing them to her...always.

I was so reluctant to come out, that I tried to live a normal straight girl existence...it didn't work.

I spent several months in mental hospitals...all because I was afraid of HER....and didn't realize it.

It's so hard to put a finger on their cruelty. It takes a sound mind, to sit back and recall all the painful times, because they are burried so deep.

Thank you all, for sharing!!

Reading this post and the following comments warmed my heart, no matter how guilty their authors may feel. Like I said, I don't wish this upon ANYONE, but it's still a good feeling to know I am not alone.

And, yes, finding real friends and real love and real support (you'll know it when you see it, and may even resist it at first,) ARE the key to taking courageous steps...those folks, and mindfulness : )


Nikki 4 years ago

Hi every one, hope all is well.

We shouldn't let thoughts of NMs come into our minds.

All the pain they caused to us. They don't even know that we dwell on thoughts about them. They are too busy thinking about themselves.

Yes we were damaged by these ugly souls, but lets forget the best way we can. Lets do other things, fill our life with other things.

Dwelling on NMs, is wasting time for us. Believe me, they only think of themselves and remember they don't even know what we are feeling, unless we show it to them.

NMs are so selfish, that's how they're wired, it won't stop.

We all had bad, sad times with these soul killers.

Thank God you're not like her. Let go of the emotional pain. At least we have emotions, lets not waste it on these parasites. Be Brave, trust your self.

Love Nikki


Only Child 2 4 years ago

My NM was overdue for a blow-up and I could tell from the moment she got in the car to food shop today that she was off somehow.

When I picked her up from the food store, I told her that my aunt, who she lives with, didn't want the new typewriter I'd bought her for her birthday which my NM had told me she wanted, and I would send it back, no problem, and my NM started in on how she thought I was buying a used one, etc. (basically saying it was my fault, although I had told her it was a new one, so I could buy replacement ribbons, but she never lets me finish and/or doesn't hear me) My NM said that it's getting too much living with her sister, and I said it's a shame (because that's about all I can say without being guilted for not doing more for them).

Then in the kitchen, when I went to give my NM some pear butter as a gift, she yelled, "Oh we have chili!" and I calmly said, this isn't chili, it's pear butter, then excused myself and went to the bathroom. When I came back, my NM was crying, and said that she's tired of me rushing and pressuring her, and it's time for her to think about her feelings for a change, instead of everyone else's (that's a laugh). I apologized, and went into the living room to give her some space. Then said I could get the typewriter out of storage or get it another time. She yelled that she wanted it out of there, and as she opened the storage, my NM told me I was completely clueless several times. I said nothing. Then she insisted that she go to the car with me, carrying the styrofoam. I again told her that I didn't mean to upset her, and that I was sorry. She just walked away.

My thought is to give her some space for a few days, and not call her today. I usually don't, and if she wants to go over it again to make her point that it's always someone else's fault, she can call me. Makes me want to go NC, but with NM 85 and my lovely aunt 89, it's impossible for me to do that and feel okay about it.

You are right, Nikki, we have to be brave, and trust ourselves, and not listen to the damaging, painful things these NMs have to say. Whenever I am not with them, I will fill my life with all of the positives, and keep my feelings to myself. It's lost on her.


Haikea 4 years ago

I have/am having counselling - I always felt odd and differents and totally defenceless against bullies - narcisistic /histrionic mother - I have put into practice the limited contact - She senses that her control is waning - so has changed her tactics to being "considerate" - The relief of knowing the rules of the "game" - levels the playing field and makes this situation easier to deflect - anxiety levels way down


Free in NYC 4 years ago

There are so many of us...it's comforting to not be alone, but we all deserved better than what we got. It took me many years to cut off contact with my NM, guilt was the biggest obstacle. Plus I spent a fortune becoming a psychologist--imagine my sadness when I finally realized I couldn't save her...that took years to accept fully. My NM has done a real number on my family, and they all rally around her b/c she plays the victim b/c I left the small town I was raised in and became a city girl...and got out of the Midwest & set up my life in NYC. I've met my own demons & fantasies of living in a world full of genuine love, with hard work in therapy & more. I learned to stop wish loved by my NM...and let her tragedy be her own. Cutting her off & then needing to cut off ties w/ manipulative siblings--doing her dirty work was the hardest thing I've ever had to live through...but I made it to the other side, but it's not perfect over here. Things linger, wishes for a better world remain, and still...the holidays and birthdays are still present...in my heart & sometimes in my tears. I return to groups like this to connect with the voices of ppl like you, to get past these dates that I can't forget...dates that reflect my family...and this month, soon, I must get past (again) my mothers birthday & feel the sadness of her being gone, but still alive. I know my enabling father will tend to her feelings, as he always does, buying her the various gifts that she expects from him. I know my siblings will make phone calls, including from their kids, and give her cards telling her how wonderful a mother she is...BUT..BUT... there will be an emptiness still in the house. An expectation and silent wish that I will call...that I will rescue her from herself...but then, alas, my parents remember that my mother hasn't ever bothered to give me the phone number to the place where they live now. No cell # has ever been provided & we all know that's now the norm...my mother. After decades of abusing me, stealing from me, and ignoring me in outrageous ways...always and forever punishing me for being my own person, separate from her.

I have these dates on the calendar, to remember...just how far I have come into myself, how much love I have given myself, how much freedom I have gained...I still feel some loss...of course I do...I'm a sweetheart through & through...

And I have become this because of what I have endured, faced, overcome throughout this process of healing. Now I celebrate my mother within myself on her birthday, and talk to the sweetheart who gives so much love to the world around her. The present I open those days are ones of forgiveness. It's my only way to feel connected to her in healthy ways...

May you all find ways to keep healing yourself as well...in what ever ways work for you.


Hebe Dean 4 years ago

Thank you - you described my mother so well- unfortunately I am living with her as she is a poor candidtate for retirement home- being so critical in nature she could not keep up the church persona for long and, thus, could receive poor care, neglect. Fortunately I speak up or walk out of the room when she is unkind - she was spoiled as a child and still thinks she should be catered to....On the plus side I certainly understand why I am the way I am and am working on valuing myself while living in the dragons den. This last statement may seem harsh, but trying living with someone who has nothing good to say to you - or if they do you know you can wait a bit and you will discover what they are trying to get from you - the stories I couldd tell about her passive agressive anger - why it is called passive I do not know as it seems quite agressive at time - she just denies it and I don't recall her every taking responsibility for anything - I understand my poor Dad - no wonder he was so angry his last 15 years of life - living with her is not pleasant but am making the best of it - doing things for myself even when she fakes not feeling well so I'll not go.....I no longer believe or trust her - and the guilt I used to feel about that is slowly fading ...now I grieve for what will never be....all part of the healing... - Again, thanks for validating my experience...


Kristen 4 years ago

This article is so accurate! It explained my confused thoughts in such a clear manner. Thank you.


mark 4 years ago

i am 19 years old, an only child and live with my narcissistic mother and mid-west, ignorant "holy roller" grandmother with denial issues who thinks jesus solves everything. my father left before i was 2 years old and have never met him although he lives 10 minutes away, he is an alcoholic and crack addict so im glad hes not around even though i have murderous hatred towards him for never giving a f*** about me. my NM was sexually molested by her father throughout her childhood and also has antisocial personality: meaning she feels rules do not apply to her and she takes what she wants. she also suffers from PTSD which amplifies her cruel guilt trips. if i dont agree with everything she says: she says i "hate" her. she uses the "love" word to manipulate me into felling so guilty i have nervous breakdowns, punch holes in walls, and hate myself. if i dont like what she likes, i am a either just like my bible toting "christian" grandmother or my crack addict father, both of whom she hates, so it feels like she hates me. as far as she's concerned. so i just lie and pretend to agree, but it makes me furious to have to walk around broken glass just so she doesnt accuse me of being on my granmother's "side" when i tell her she is just paranoid, when she thinks everyone on this earth has an elaborate plot to slowly kill her and make her suffer, its like im bowing down like a pathetic, weak puppy. she is also a severe prescription drug addict, oxycontin, morphine, demerol, valium, amphetamines, you name it. she had moved away for 6 months recently due to pulling a knife on me. she had turned me against my grandmother and great aunt(my only other relatives) telling me they were evil women that would destroy me. during those 6 months, thanks to my grandma and great aunt, helped me reallized how stupid i was to fall for her manipulation and found out how evil she was, how she only cared for herself. my NM also plays the victim role: meaning that she thinks she is the worst off person in the world, sitting and feeling sorry for herself b/c of her molestation. she constantly goes from telling me she loves me unconditionally and gives me warm hugs with seemingly genuine "love" (whatver that is)... to telling me i am a baby and to quit crying when she threatens suicide every 2 days to use against me and my grandma if i happen to disagree w/ her on the slightest thing, or even as simple as LITERALLY going to the bathroom w/o informing her if she is talking at the time. she has no concern for my feelings and goes from telling me im a wonderful, smart, handsome guy, to: a sissy boring tightwad that will never get laid. needless to say, i picked up her drug habit, i smoke weed and take pills from a to z like percocet, vicodin, valium, xanax, adderall, roxycodone, soma, fioricet, codeine... whatever i can get my hands on to take the pain of her sick twisted mind games away. i have about 3 friends, who are basically drug friends and have never even been on a date. i cannnot even talk to a girl, much less a normal person without being pilled up or drunk as hell. i have so much anxiety and around people, sometimes i want to kill myself, i hate the hell this evil woman has put me thru. yet, at the same time in a sick way i love her so much and feel so sorry for her and her sad life! i constantly confort her and get nothing but pain and criticism in return. lately i have had flashes of thoughts about beating the living sh*** out of her so she can feel the way i feel hurt like i hurt. i might sound like im feeling sorry for myself, but im almost to the point of losing control literally, i need help. no one should mess with anyones head like that. and what hurts most of all is that neither my mom nor my dad give a f*** a bout me. i dont even like my grndma that much, she is judgemental with her "jesus solves all your problems" B.S. and somewhat narcissistic herself. the only thing i have in this world is my dog and i love that dog more than i love anything b/c his comfort and accptance has gotten me thru times i thought i was going over the edge. my dog is 8 years old and his name is spike he is getting older and i dont know how im going to handle his death. more recently i have cut back on the drugs and have been studying psychology in college in an attempt to get away from this f******* up "family". i hope there is someone out there who feels/felt like me and help me please. however i do try and avoid my NM b/c she sucks me into the room, doesnt give me a word in edgewise and when she does she is completely unintersted and makes it rudely apparent. then other times she is the nicest, sweetest person i have ever met. i am so confused and lonely i dont know what to do b/c people make me so nervous and i cant apply for a job, nor do i have social skills or coping skills to get along on my own. i cant wait until she dies-- it felt so good to say that but it makes me feel like a horrible person and hate myself and do more drugs, i just want a real friend or a girlfriend that could understand how i am and y i am so shy and untrusting. days like this im depressed so much, i spill this crap out, but i think its how i really feel but i dont know im soooooo confused someone please help.


People Pleaser 4 years ago

Hey Mark,

Well I started reading a few posts then realised there were hundreds!! So I scrolled down to the last one which was yours!

I too have an NM, have only just realised this at the age of 33 :/


People Pleaser 4 years ago

Woops!I accidently posted before I'd finished.

I don't know where to begin...well I always thought there was something wrong with me..since I was about 7 thats how far back I can remember. I always felt very uncomfortable when friends/family would want to touch me i.e kiss and cuddle goodbye etc. I would shy away and my NM would label me as 'she's just shy' so I always thought I was 'just shy'. As a child the feelings were sometimes so overwhelmimg that I'd feel so nervous when people came near me I'd shake or even cry. Only now at 33 that I look back and realise I didn't know what it was like to be shown affection therefor I couldn't handle it. It was so foreign and felt wrong. Even when I gave a fake hug as I got older I hated it.

My Mother is a Nurse, she raised myself and my 2 sisters very military style...she aced everything on the outside; cooking healthy meals, clean ironed clothes, good education, healthy etc etc but she was never ever nurturing.I can never remember her cuddling us, and I cuddle my kids every day. I always believed I had a really 'normal' upbringing...until I moved back in with my NM at 33. I left home at 16 due to my NM ways but I didn't know that at the time.

My younger sister and I copped most of NM brunt. The elder sister seemed to get let off, not sure why?? My NM turned me into a 'people pleaser'. When I was about 8 I would sit in my room sewing my NM lovely gifts, I would get up at 6am to make the breakfast table just because I wanted to please my NM. I knew then that my NM didnt love me, but by God I was going to try my arse off! years went by and the pleassing made no difference. I was definantly walking on egg shells....My NM was very manipulative and cunning the way she abused us. I'd say she was a pro!!

She could turn any situation or story around so that you ended up believing you were the bad guy and the cause of it. I still question myself when I have a dissagreement with her.

This is what I tell people about my NM....'Hey did you hear my Mother sold all her encyclopedias?? "why?? You reply" and I say 'Because she fukin knows everything'!!!!

Although this is a joke, I really do mean it, my Nm knows EVERYTHING!!

My NM critisizes everything and everyone. My younger sister and I aren't her only victims. My Father is the biggest victim of all, he's been married to her forever!! and he's the loveliest kindest man in the world. He also has no balls to stick up for himself...hence why the relationship works...kind of!

Ok so here's a story.. I have this lovely man...finaly in my life, because I love myself now and know I deserve to be loved. Anyhow he gave me a long stemmed rose in a box for Valentines day...I decided to dry it out so I could keep it. I came home it was gone, box still there..and My father told me my NM threw it out :/

This sort of thing is normal for my NM, but sadly I'm living with her atm so I cant escape this crap.

I am moving out in the next few months and really want to tell her to F off out of my life. But on the other hand because I'm a guilt tripping product of a NM I feel sick with guilt about burning her from my life :( It's a lose lose situation. But I'm still going to burn her!

I think one of the worst things was my NM talking badly about me to my sisters, my Father or anyone infront of me. I suppose I never stood up for myself so she found it easy to abuse me more. Not long ago I confronted My NM about when My elder sister and her used to do bad things to me; my elder sister would pin me down and my NM would put soap in my mouth I was 14 at the time. She would burn family photos infront of me (I used to feel physically sick when she did that) I have OCD with photo keeping now thanks to her lol. She would make a hot drink and if I were standing nearby she would dab the hot spoon on my arm and laugh. The jug cord..that hurt! The horse whip hurt more :( Poor horses, I hate horse racing now because I know that pain.

Drugs, alcohol and abusive men ruled my life until I was about 19. Then at 22 had my first son to the man I loved that in return turned into a physical and emotional abuser. Anyway I lost track of my confronting my NM..about the soap and horse whip...well she laughed at me and said 'as if I ever did that'. I didn't bother arguing with a 'know all' there's no point.

My younger sister has completely blocked her from her life. She tells me I'm an idiot for not doing the same, but I feel guilty about it.

My younger sister and I have suffered from anxiety and depression on and off in our lives but our older sister hasn't. I still wonder if it's because of our NM, from research it appears that it is.

I believe that when you are used to being abused/neglected/ignored...you feel that's the only way you know how to be treated. Even though I treat people far too well..hence 'people pleaser' It has determiined the choices i've made with men and the decisions not to do anything with my life of fear of failure and rejection.

I too like Mark started to study psychology but it made me realise how f'd in the head I was from my NM and I went back to being in denial.

My new partner points out to me that my Mother isn't a 'real mother' and that hurts when he says that, but I know it's true. He continuosly tells me how unsupportive she is and honestly it just gets me down. I know he is just shocked by her and doesn't mean to upset me.

Oh and another thing.. My Nm is so disgustingly nice to strangers, new friends or boyfriends it makes me vomit in my mouth a little bit. Then when they're gone she goes back to being Nm from hell!?!? I don't know how she keeps up these apearences? Surely it's draining?? I actually thought my NM had bi-polar until I stumbled upon the word narcacist.

So anyway all I can say is move far far far away as possible from your NM.Hopefuly one day all NM will wake up and realise the are ALL ALONE with no-one, because that's what they deserve.

I hope everyone heals, I will as soon as I get my shit together and get out of this NM house. I am trying my hardest not to be a NM, because apparently my NM Mother was also one! Is it hereditary??

Good luck!!


Mary 4 years ago

I also have a NM and I was always the scapegoat. I am 50 and many of my life decisions were based on trying to please her instead of what I wanted. I'm just beginning to place boundaries so I can really live my life. Wish there were a way children of nm's could help each other through this.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

This blog is one of the ways in which we can draw strength from each other to finally heal and make decisions that benefit us. We didn't realize for many years because we were groomed to be enslaved by the guilt and insecurities that they built into us. Even now, although I know my NM is unreasonable, I still try to keep her happy within my own boundaries. When she crosses the line, though, I now have a resolve that I've gained from coming here and uniting with all of you. It's changed my life.


Vladi 4 years ago

Hi all.

Mike: I just read your post, and felt worried you might hurt yourself. Just hang on. Really, you've made a BIG-HUGE progress by realizing it's not your fault, but your NM's.

Next, it's the decision of what to do about it. But the main thing is to actually realize that. And too many ppl just go through their lives without ever noticing.

My siblings for example. I'm the scapegoat, and finally woke up from my NM's "spell".

But my siblings... oh no, I love and pity them. They think she's great, and "just has her moments of bad temper".

The woman is evil and crazy. They have many social traumas, or lack many social skills, but think I'm the "weird one" because I've worked on my traumas, and because I can't stand my mother.

The best thing she's done in the last year is actually telling me she didn't want to see me anymore because I dared telling her I was really hurt by her attitude towards me and my husband and child. At the moment, it hurt, but some months after, I cannot thank her enough.

Now, I've reconnected to my father's side of the family (he died 23 yrs ago, and his family and her own family are "enemies", so we were raised with that hate against all of them).

They are very loving people, and speak wonders of my father. My NM literally asked my siblings to stop talking to me, but they didn't do it (only one, but then regretted and now we're sisters again).

Lately, what's bothering me is that when I speak to my sisters and my father's family come out in the conversation, they express themselves with exactly the same disdain and arrogance my mother taught us. It hurts me and I asked them to stop doing that, at least in front of me.

I really love my siblings, but I have the feeling they think they've "forgiven me", when actually there's nothing to forgive. My child's baptism is coming and I've asked last year my sister to be the godmother. My husband doesn't want because my sister has done bad things towards us, she loves us, but of course she has kind of twisted opinions due to my mom's influence.

Now I'm not sure what to do... I love my sister and would like her to bee the godmother, but on the other hand, it really pisses me off she express herself like that of my dad's family, that she thinks I'm "kind of crazy" just for standing up vs my mother, and I don't want more fights with my husband due to my family's rudeness.

Opinions, please?


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 4 years ago

Dear Vladi

Do NOT pick your sister as godmother. You have listed 3 good reasons in your last paragraph. Align yourself with your husband and pick someone (perhaps from your church) who won't be part of any family drama. If you haven't mentioned it to your sister since last year, just let it lie. This should be a joyous time, not another opportunity for your family to tell you what you did wrong. Keep it simple and them uninvolved and it will be a great day.


Vladi 4 years ago

Thank you, OnlyChild.


Nikki 4 years ago

Hi every one, hope all is well.

Great advice only child 2.

Most of you know that i cut off from nm a long time ago.

Recently i'm getting alot of phone calls by nm. i have an answering machine, so i don't haveto get the phone. Nm has been leaving messages on my machine.

She talks in a real sweet voice, like she always did before, just to get what she wants.

Nm says she loves me and wants me to go back in that sweet voice and then she insists i go back in that horrible voice towards the end of the message.

I will never go back, it's not worth it.

Nm would only try her darndest to controll me and try to

minimize me again. That was her hobby.

This scape goat is free from nm and living happily and not second guessing myself.

Nm's have this agenda that we haveto conform into what they want us to be. They want to controll, belittle,punish ect. I think you all know what i mean.

I'm still recovering from brain surgery and don't need nm's poison back. Thank God it's over.

take care

Nikki


crazylife1 4 years ago

For those of us who suffer from the social anxieties it is absolutely horrible. I have it severe and I know that it's from the abuse that I suffered from my NM. Some days it can be paralyzing. Mark and People Pleaser I know exactly what you go thru. I can't take meds because of the side effects but if you need meds to get thru job interviews social situations by all means do it. In many ways we are like wounded animals that have to take things slowly. I do force myself to go out in the world but there are many days I don't want to. You have to tell yourself that it's 'okay'. I don't make friends easily. I am not very trusting. You have to remind yourself that's it's okay to be like you are because you have been thru a lot. Dr. Laura wrote a book called Bad Childhood Good Life. It was helpful for me. I recommend it to all of you. It won't fix everything but it will help you with your value and worth in the world. Our first relationship with our mothers should have been nurturing loving and kind. It wasn't what we needed or deserved. With my own two children I find myself giving everything to them. I have to remind myself that it's okay to go do nice things for myself and that it doesn't make me a narcissist to do so. Take care of yourselves. That NM wants to be the center of your universe in a bad way. Don't let her!


Scared 4 years ago

I stumbled acroos this site and after I started reading the posts I began to feel sick. I am a mother of 4 beautiful children but I tend to have high expectations. I am not the kind of mom who has cookies waiting after school. I would never critize there looks or put them down. I am, for the lack of a better word, obsessed with them being succesful. I do not want to be one of these moms please tell me if I am on that track and what I can do to stop it if I am. I am sorry to all of you for your pain and I respect your strength.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

If you are questioning yourself and thinking that you might be too hard on your children, you are moving in the right direction to get help. Talk to people who are professionals: your pediatrician, your children's school counselor, and maybe they can help you set realistic goals for yourself and your children. If you feel you need more, counseling might be a very positive consideration. I applaud you for reflecting inward and that is really courageous of you!


Vladi 4 years ago

Dear Scared,

I agree with Only Child 2, and I also admire your strength to wonder this. I'd also ask each one of them, separately, if they actually like/enjoy what they are doing. Maybe they are doing it just for you and not for them?


Rosieblue 4 years ago

I have just finished 3 and 1/2 years of counselling and it is only now that I am realising the extent to which I have been maniupulated by my nm.

I am definately going the minimise contact route. The only thing that upsets me is reducing contact with my Dad as well, but I am angry with him too because I cannot remember a single time in my life where he stood up for me. He always took her side and I am beginning to see how weak he was. He just spent all his time in the shed and left me to deal with her on my own. He is a fellow victim though, as there is a constant stream of vitriol about him spilling out from under her breath.

At the moment my mum is furious with me for exercising and managing my weight.She told me that the only thing I care about is my appearance. Truth is I have been overeating all my life to make up for the lack of love from her and since I have been in counselling I have begun to understand that behaviour and have let it go. My mother doesn't know about my counselling and I would never tell her. It would just be more fuel for her to critise me with.

Anything that any other mother would celebrate and share, she has to stamp on. She never remembers a single thing I tell her about my life. It's all about her. Most of the time on the phone I have to listen to her droning on about how miserable and ill she is. I start to shake and feel sick when I have to talk to her. I am trying to take the 'mother' aspect out of our relationship and just treat her like the mad old cow she is. I have to say it is work in progress.

An earlier post that talked about a lifetime of conditioning as a narcissistic supply is really really hard to shake off. It is great to read other peoples experiences as it can be very isolating to be in this situation. I still feel guilty about feeling this way about my nm and find it's difficult to talk about with others, feeling afraid they don't believe me and that I am the one being awful. Sound familiar?

The other day my nm was in full swing - being so horrible to me in front of my 16 year old daughter and my daughter was really shocked and I have to say that having a witness to her behaviour was really helpful. Most of the time after one of these sessions I am thinking - gosh I must have been awful to have someone treat me like that. I always think that it is my fault. My daughter stood up for me so lovingly and tactfully that i felt loved and supported in a way I hadn't felt before.

I'll keep in touch and let you know how the minimise contact is going.


Peolpe Pleaser 4 years ago

Hi,

I thought I'd check back in....and I must say THIS site is the best counselling session I've ever had in my whole life!!!

Thankyou EVERYONE :)


hunni04 4 years ago

Wow I also cried when reading this! IT NOW ALL MAKES SENSE. Thank you for this artical/ thread.

I have a sister who gets treated very differently in my family. My mother is very open when it comes to admitting she only used our dad to have children and she only had me (being the oldest) to get a given a house. She ruined all my education, dressed me in awful clothes and never wanted me in the house.I was never allowed set meal times and 1 evening was so hungry i ate tissue paper and another day it was dog biscuits :( I got violently raped when i was 15 i cried telling her (hoping she'd call the police or just even fix the problem) she said well you should have been home hours ago and then laughed!(Did she even hear me? Was she just so self obsessed?)..... I took myself to the doctor the next day to ask if i could be checked over! the doctor asked me "what was i dong having unprotected sex at 15!!?" with that i ran out crying! I begged on the street hoping to make enough money for the morning after pill- I managed it!- It doesn't hurt me any more but the lack of support from my mother does!!

Now i'm an adult with a family of my own (both i and bf working hard and move in with each other)- with this at first my mother started getting close to me (i was stupid and v blind!) I loved how she changed and was sooo sweet- i cried out of happiness- Finally i was excepted! i don't know what i had done right but I WAS EXCEPTED! :D..... A few months down the line my mother persuaded me to move over the road from her...... i thought hard but the thought of this positive change with her towards me just made me forget the bad times...... so i moved in over the road from her.

I started noticing a change in her ways with in a matter of days with her wanting money for her drink problem...... trying to takeover my parenting with my children.... then her encouraging me to try a fag because i didn't she got very abusive towards me. she likes to constantly remind me how super skinny my sister is. I passed science exam last year- her words to me were "pah i didn't think you'd do it! you only passed because of me!" and almost the same words came out of her with any successes i have made. I have learnt to listen (take it with a pinch of salt) NEVER do i tell her any positives that have happened in my life! God could you imagine! and keep the conversation very simple, gardening is a nice easy subject with her. I try and keep her away from my hubby as she flirts too and always tries to humiliate me in front of him!- he can't stand her (well she did ruin our wedding day!- but that's another story out of the millions i have about this subject) lol. When i when the lottery i will move far far away! :( until that day i'm stuck with it every time i look out the window! :'(

Thanks again for this thread it has actually made my day!


jujots 4 years ago

Hiya its wierd cos all what you are saying is true. both my parenst are narcisstic. They ( well my mum mostly) have divided the siblings up I had 3 bros and a sister. my mum never wanted us in a room together as we got older cos we would then talk. She hated that. My youngest brother the baby died 2 years ago aged 39 and this gave my mum another excuse to be centre of attention. She has no empathy and when i was quiet and upset ironing my brothers rugby shirt to wear in his coffin she said " whats the matter with you". Incredible.I knew too she was strange didnt want friends obsessed with animals she can control. She said she would have all her animals put down if she died. she thinks that is normal!! She wont come to my 2nd wedding cos of her animals although i know its cos shes jeolous of the attention. My first marriage she got a migraine at the reception.I feel sorry for my dad- the way she treats him. She doesnt care about her 19 grandchildren and doesnt see the ones who live nearby but will boast about others who visit spordically.Yet things she has created a dynasty- yet thinks we are all disposible. I want to hate her but am scared too and also my dad would disown me like he has my other sister who said she didnt love her.Its very hard she lives in a bubble goes shopping at 5am so she doesnt see anyone and wont go anywhere apart from her house and garden but says we are all wierd. Oh well best get to bed. I am releived abit but still dont know what the future will hold.

xx


Only Child 2 4 years ago

I relate to the feelings of so many here, and used to live in fear of what my NM would do or say next. We need to work on healing ourselves, knowing who we are and what we want, and dealing with the NM on our terms. When I have contact with my NM, I play to her likes, such as listening to her incessant know-it-all talking, agreeing with her, and manipulating the variables to anticipate situations to the best of my ability. I don't care if she constantly interrupts my sentences and ruins every contact by complaining and demanding. She gets what I'm willing to give, and nothing more. It wouldn't be enough, anyway. It gets easier when you feel better about yourself and don't allow her the control over your life. I still have bad days, and times when I'd like to move far away, but they are nothing like they used to be because I know my NM for who she is.

My leverage is that she needs me, and for that reason, doesn't cross the line too far or often. If she blindsides me with something, I buy time and don't commit, or firmly give her reasons for not doing it (she recently asked me if she should buy a car to drive to and from church, and is 85 and hasn't driven in over 25 years). It gets easier to read her motives and anticipate her moves, and there is a satisfaction in knowing I can deal with her better than ever before, with boundaries in place.

I wish a future of peace and happiness for each of us, that we create ourselves out of the mess that was given to us. What satisfaction in knowing we did it ourselves!


Julie 4 years ago

Not my mother bless her she was brave til the end and we all believed she had the problem, However it is my dad and my sister where I can tick all the boxes especially my sister it's sad but true


Tinker 4 years ago

Be strong


Kali 4 years ago

Dear Mark –

It sounds like your mum doesn’t really know what love is, which means that she doesn’t really know how to love herself, never mind you. You cannot be responsible for this, but you can be responsible for loving yourself. In ten years time you will look back on where you are now and see how far you have come. Drugs may seem to block out the pain, but they will never help you to move on from it.

Is there any way that you can really move on? I don’t know much about the mid-west as I am writing for the UK – but you mentioned that you are attending college – is there a pastoral centre there? Perhaps you could gain access to a counsellor? I don’t know much about welfare benefits in the US – but is there some way you could get some funding to rent your own accommodation / share with other students? Have you ever had help from social services? If so, they may also be able to help you now.

It is a shame that childhood trauma has marred your parents’ adult lives – please don’t let it have the same success over yours.

I don’t know you, but from what you said, it seems likely that your mum has worn you down into believing that you don’t have the “coping skills to get along” on your own – this is probably a reflection of how she feels rather than being true of yourself. I bet you have more skills than you think – you’ve come this far, you attend college, you look after Spike.

Don’t wait for your family to change for the better, make the first step into your beautiful future, and make the first step to change yourself.

It will be a difficult journey but paradise awaits, so be strong my love.

Bright blessings

xxx


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 4 years ago

I too can still be blindsided by my NM. The sheer determination and scheming she goes through to get her "bidding" carried out--by me or anyone else--is mind-boggling. If she had expended that much energy on actually "doing" something for herself she could have built the pyramids by now.

I realize all the little tasks she gives me are not real needs. The "need" is getting as many people as possible acting on her behalf. If doesn't matter if its watering her plants, going to the store for her, or "Here, throw this paper away for me"--she GOT you to do it. And during that time she controls you. And that is her fix.

When I produce the much-needed item she HAD to have, she just lays it aside (and of course NEVER thanks me) and goes on to the next thing that needs done, bought or accomplished. And she will ask me over and over or hint around and I should guess what she needs. 95% of the time it's the wrong thing... wrong kind of Charmin (blue not red), wrong size bottle (too big she can't lift it, too small she can't open it). When I shop for her, if you knew how much time I spent imagining what objection she will have with each item and trying to decide the "best" choice. It's like running through a mine field. There are always traps. It's a bottomless pit of needs. Imagine trying to fill in the Grand Canyon with a shovel. No matter how much you do it gets you nowhere.

I learned a lot about my mother at the Hallmark store. When I was younger, I would try to buy her the perfect Mother's Day card. I'd be there for an hour reading these verses that never fit my mom. They all describe warm, loving woman who sacrificed everything for the good of their family. Huh??

Hey if anybody from Hallmark reads this, you're missing a sizable market. Make a "Narcissistic Mother" section. The verse should read: To the Woman who gave birth to me on Mother's Day--thanks for feeding me and washing my clothes. Your daughter.

Another interesting exercise is to sit down with friends and talk about "classic" childhood moments. Compare what their mothers did on their first day of school, what their mother's did when they were sick, how they counseled them when they were scared, the little things they did to make them feel special. If you had a NM, your experiences will vary greatly from theirs.

To Scared: The most important thing you can let your children know is that you love them as they are "unconditionally." If there are strings attached to your love, then you are being manipulative. When I was a child my mother wouldn't talk to me (for days) if I didn't do and act exactly as she wanted. She withheld herself from me until I molded my behavior to what SHE wanted. There was no room for ME...just what SHE wanted her daughter to reflect to the outside world about her. I am a tool for her to gain status in the world.

She sees me as an extension of her, not as an individual. To this day she says, "WE have a doctors appt. next week." I say "YOU have a doctor's appt." She says, "Our sink is clogged." I say "I don't live there, YOUR sink is clogged." And I have said it hundreds of times. She is incapable of receiving the message.

Luckily I had a father who counteracted some of the damage she did. He had his faults, but the overwhelming feeling I got from my dad was that he LOVED and cherished me. He used to say, "Honey, you're smart. You can do anything you want." He encouraged me, not manipulated me. I knew he loved me no matter what I became in life. He just wanted what was best for me and to be happy. I always knew my mother wanted what was best for her.


Melyssa33 4 years ago

I too believe I have a NMother... Tho I think hers is very severe or she's got it with something else. I am 31 & expecting my 1st child, a girl and dread to ever be like my mother was with me.

I finally decided not to speak to her ever again, however, everyone in my close family (dad and sis) think I am wrong and nasty to her... yes, she plays victim all the time and gets away with her behaviour...

I have been living out of my country for about 7 years now. I went back last year in September because my father was diagnosed with cancer. We went with my husband with the intention of settling down and staying there for some time... As you may guess, it all got too much in the end and we left the country and came back home. After 7 years of absence, I found out my mother has badmouthed me in front of everybody I know: friends and family members. She has managed to successfully turn my sister and I against each other to the point we dont talk anymore. She is a genius at manipulating people and turning them against each other. My dad is following the same path... She told everyone I had gone back there for my dad's money, that I had been a prostitute and have travelled the world sleeping and shagging everybody, that I threat to kill her if she ever said what I had confided in her (so she said to my dad). She accused me in front of my aunts and cousins of having a miscarriage after I went thru a badly performed abortion of a previous bf (which has never happened). She accused me of hitting her!! and thank god I was there with others for them to witness that it never happened; however, she called other family members who were not there to tell them I beat her up and that she called the police!!! So I had more family members against me, including my sister.... She has said I dont work, that I live off my dad's money, (although Ive been totally independent since 24) and she's even said to my sis I've got AIDS due to my travelling and very whore-likish behaviour. Accused my husband of being a drug addict... Anything you can think of as the scum of the world, I am and I do it......

My sister is the blue-eyed girl and although she talks bad things about her when she wants to have a minute of manipulation with me, I just simply ignore her because I know her tricks too well... I had a miscarriage (as previosuly mentioned) last year, and although she calls or emails to be nasty, I just didnt get anything at all from her about my miscarriage and even when I saw her, she just didnt didnt say a thing.

We had 2 massive rows when I went back. At neither of them she accepted responsibility for anything... she would either deny things, play vicitm, cry and say I dont respect her, try to play my father agaisnt me and even blamed my aunts and cousins about our arguments, how does that sound for a Nm???

Since I am 14 I remember her criticising my friends, telling me I looked chubby with no clothes, that my sister had a beautiful body, cuz she had a big booty and I didnt... It was to such extreme I even developed anorexia, to have a beautiful body and was obsessed with having a big booty like Jlo and my sister. She criticised me from breaking up with my 1st bf who was a cheater, putting make up on (as she never wore any) so, anything I did, she didnt would be the root for acid criticism. Thank god I made some good friends and spent more time with them and they (along with their mothers) showed me I was not doing anything wrong and that nothing was wrong with me.

The list is endless, this is just some of the most recent stuff that has happened and the damage is terrible. We argued everyday with my husband due to pressure and stress from the whole situation with my mother to the point I thought about divorce. She made our lives hell. The unfortunate point is that my father says I dont understand her and even passes comments on what she has said about me via email. I've asked my father to respect my decision about never talking to her again, but he seems not to be very happy about that.

I isolated myself from my whole family when I was 17 and attended uni in a different city, so I would not put up with her and her dramas. Still she'd call me everyday to cry over the phone and ask me to sort her problems, as my dad and her are separated, not divorced and after 16 years, she still gives him grief and in my opinion my dad is a very weak man and has ended himself with no friends due to my mother. When I finally decided to start stopping her, she transformed into someone even nastier. Every time she found herself alone, not having too much attention, she made things up such as being raped or switching phones off completely, so we would all run to see her and give her attention. Every single week, she had a brand new trick. I spent long 5 years playing her games and trying to ignore her, but it's true what some people say in this board, they play on guilt and make you feel bad for trying to have your own life and enjoy it. I was without seeing her for almost my entire career (5 years) and when I visited her she kicked me out and told me to go back to my place, for then cause another drama, make up another story and throw another tantrum... so in the end I simply stopped visiting her completely... I finished a career which she takes all the credit for, when she actually never supported me about it at all. The only 2 times she visited me, she said I was wasting my time and doing 'nothing'... Now, it's been years I left and I live in another country, we dont talk on the phone, we dont email and I will make sure we never do again. I have even had an awful problem with being aggressive and very angry since I am very young, only to realise (because my husband saw me reacting to my mother and pointed it out) that I actually react like that because it was the only way I found to defend myself from her awful behaviour and ways of bullying and ridiculing me. How would you react if your mother accuses you of having abortions? or sleeping with everybody? or coming after your dad's money when he's got cancer? Now, I am at home and being conscious of all the things that have happened in my life since I can remember I am trying my best NOT to let her win. My husband has been an amazing pilar for me and I now see things more clearly. I just want to be full of love for my baby and the best part is, she gave me a life-long lesson of exactly how NOT to be with my children...

For anyone out there with a mother who has ever been anything like mine, please get away from her. I think my sister was a badly damaged child, but she doesnt realise it and she acts and behaves pretty much like my mother and I dread to think of her children.... Get away from a mother like that. Trust yourself and plan how you are gonna survive her. I've been doing it for the last 16 years, and although I never thought I'd leave my own country because of her, here I am and I feel happy about it and I am starting my own family away from her. Don't waste your time arguing with her or clarifying things with her. Surround yourself with people who love you and know you. You dont have a mother, grieve her and bury her, cuz she's a spiky, awful little thing like a 15 y/o poisonous girl who bullies all the other girls in school and thinks she's the best... Run and enjoy life away from her, cuz otherwise, she wont let you...

I am going thru therapy and once I've let all this anger out, I will move on for def and will never look back.

Good luck to you all out there. Hope this helps for you to know you're not alone and it is possible to survivve even if she plays it that well that you're blamed by others. Forget about her and live your life.

All the best


Krobe 4 years ago

I was hoping for some advice. My ex-daughter in law is a explosive, very cruel NM. My oldest grandaughter had my son go to court to get custody to get away from her mom. She is the scapegoat. She is smart and strong and got out. Now for revenge the NM is trying to get the other sibling to leave her father's home/ they both have 50/50 custody. She is turning the two sisters against each other. My grandaughter confided in me that her mother was pressuring her into feeling guilty if she doesn't do as she says regarding living with her. She is a very sensitive kid, easily manipulated and is scared to death of her mother's wrath if she doesn't do her bidding. She is being filled with guilt because her and her Dad have a great relationship and she doesn't want to hurt him but she is so scared of her mom's wrath she is really hurting. She is only 15. I did the best I could in talking with her but is there some way I could give her the courage to not be so scared of her mom?


Roxyy 4 years ago

My mum has nearly all of the traits you mention, iv always known she had npd as my nan has it also and they behave simmerly.... My mum makes my life hard cos everyone elce gets to see only the good side of her so people don't belive me when I conplain... Iv been expelled prom schhool becaus I take my anger and fustration out on treachers because if you try to speek to my mum about any thing she just puts her fingers in her ears an goes lalalaalaalalala witch realy gets to me cos it makes me feel like i'm always looking after her


Only Child 2 4 years ago

It is so perceptive of you to want to help. I wish someone had done so for me at that age. Many of my friend's mothers had concern for me, due to my NM. But I was underage, and my NM was in control. If your granddaughter is old enough in the state to ask for her father to have custody, that is really good. She may need therapy for her guilt and the NMs influence. That is how our NMs control us from early on. Bless you for trying to help, and I hope it makes all of the difference for your granddaughter. Best wishes!


Sunday 4 years ago

Reading these comments here I have every empathy and sympathy for the posters. I have a very evil mother with NPD and have gone no contact for last 3 years or so at the age of 39. We only speak via a solicitor now(lawyer). It is the best and hardest hing I ever did. Just because someone is blood related it does not give them the right to have only ill will, malice, contempt and vicious abuse for you. Believe me, no contact is the best and only way. Good luck and God bless.


Aliza 4 years ago

Reading everyone's stories is making my blood boil at how manipulative these mothers are. My NM died 4 years ago and I still suffer uncontrollable anger at how she treated me, my brother, my sister and my father. Even when she was receiving chemotherapy in the final months of her life, she would bark and issue orders at me, try to get my sister to dump her partner to live with her and set us all against each other. My brother had a complete mental breakdown 6 months ago and my poor father has had 5 suicide attempts since 1979 (caused also by his mother being NM).

In my moments of anger at 35 years of being controlled, being told how bad I am, not to do the things if life I loved ....if I could open up her grave and smash what is left of her rancid skeleton, I would. I'd destroy her gravestone in a heartbeat during those moments.

But when you realise that the hold they still have over you is not over (even from the grave) and the only way they can get to you is via negativity during your points of being vulnerable - I always remember that SHE only gave birth to me and has no rights at all over my decisions in adulthood. My mother's decision to have children was borne out of selfishness instead of love.

My advice to anyone is stand up to these BULLIES. Because that is also what they are - insecure bullies. Keep fighting with everything you've got because.... in the end - they will lose. Good luck.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

If we have anger about our NM, one way to lessen it is to forgive your NM. Not for her, but for yourself. It releases you from that sick connection she forced on you at such an early age, that you didn't know it wasn't healthy for a long time. It releases you from the past, and allows you to live in the present, where you can heal and make your own choices and create a world that you are happy in for a change.

I agree about fighting, but not with an NM. They're never wrong, so why bother? Fight for yourself, your goals, and your peace. Surround yourself with people who love and support you, and give of yourself in the ways you never were given. Know yourself and protect yourself without fear of the hold your NM had on you. Replace it with the hold you have on yourself, and the ones you love. It takes work, but we can do it.


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 4 years ago

Wow. Very well said Only Child 2.


Oz MUM 4 years ago

I read some of these posts and am saddened by the utter lack of compassion and human feeling for the mothers displayed by some adult children. You only get one Mom. Try to at least be nicer to her, you do not have to live in her pocket, but a bit of ordinary kindness?Like call her once a fortnight and ask how she is, tell her your safe news, have a laugh, bring her a little joy? Surely that would not be inappropriate? It just seems so mean to cut off from your own mother, and to enjoy doing it like some posters!!! Where is the love and kindness. You will regret it when she is gone, and then you will remember the good times and what she did for you, and it will be too late to say thanks. Really people, be kind, just a bit.


Neverfullyrecover 4 years ago

Oz MUM, I'm sure you mean well but you really don't know the destruction a narcissistic sociopathic mother can reign down on her children. This is not an instance of 'ungrateful' or selfish children. This is very, very real, and very destructive. Children of these households grow up without true love from their mothers. The nurturing love a a mother is just not there. If it were just that it would be bad enough, but children of these households also grow up feeling intrinsically defective, because every normal failure and imperfection they manifest while growing is seized upon by a narcissistic mother to codify the inferiority of the child to her - and it is blamed on the child. Everything. Narcissistic mothers are never wrong, and will never admit to mistakes. If you don't know what it's like to grow up in a household in which your mother is incapable of empathy, and incapable of healthy love, and who cares principally about how you - as an object in her life - fits into her self concept, then you don't really have any idea how much pain is involved. Most if not all of the people who have posted on this board have given much more compassion and empathy to their mothers than they ever received, even when they were vulnerable children. They've paid their dues and are entitled to try to find some happiness in life and to let the wounds they didn't deserve heal.


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 4 years ago

Wow! Very well said Neverfullyrecover. I could not have said it better myself.

Oz MUM you just don't understand. You have to have lived this to really comprehend it. We aren't mean people. In fact I would guess that most of us are people-pleasers--that is how we have been trained. Most of us have spent the majority of our lives bending to our mother's will in the hopes that we will gain the prize--her love and approval. And it is always withheld.

Every encounter with my mother is a chance for her point out what I didn't do right, how I let her down, how I disappointed her. When in reality I do everything for her. Now you tell me...would you feel like picking up the phone to brighten her day?

When my mother dies I will grieve the loss of the "idea of a mother". But I have never been mothered. Unlike my sociopathic mother I have lots of feelings and I do have empathy for her. She is a sick lady, but I can't change her. I can only change me, guard myself and have empathy for the little child in me who wanted nothing more than to please her mother and receive her love. If you run your head into a brick wall for 40 years, you learn that brick never gets any softer.

I am glad for you that you did not experience this type of childhood.


CaliforniaGirl 4 years ago

@OZmom

The reason why I will never talk to people with a "normal" childhood about my mother anymore is this. You just showed it.

You guys have really no ability to understand that some mothers don't love their children.

It must be a wonderful world to live in, but unfortunately it is not the world a lot of the commenters here grew up.

Maybe You are a NM Yourself, would actually make sense.


CaliforniaGirl 4 years ago

The article speaks of two kinds of NMs. One is ignoring her children, the other is controlling them.

My mother was both.

The first years of my life I really loved my mother, but my older sister always felt she was rejected. Obviously I was the "good" kid, the one mommy can be proud of.

My father was a drinker (so is my step-father).

At the age of 12 my mother got divorced, because the drinking and abuse was getting too much.

This was supposed to be the beginning of my happy childhood, looking back it was the beginning of the end.

My mother has all my life talked about wanting to have her own house.

A few months after the divorce was legal she met another man, who lived in another city, who had a house.

We moved there and it didn't take long until I realized that this man too was a drinker and abusive.

My mother must have some other issues, or those issues are the reason she became NPD.

Anyways, the childhood with my father was dominated by caertain patterns. The girls: I was the good girl, my sister was the bad girl. Parents: my father was the monster, my mother was the innocent victim. the family: We (the females) against him (my father). Generally: my mother was always the innocent, the good, the victim.

I was about to learn the truth, even though it took me decades to figure it all out.

When living with her new guy became impossible for her daughters my mother said we could go back to our father.

Yes, the one she just divorced because he was a drinker.

My father could not even take care of himself and she knew it. She never said "not without my daughters".

But she really always wanted that house.

I was so young, I was only interested in school and sport.

Within a year living with my father I failed in school, I started to take drugs, I became a runaway.

And found myself in a home for orphans.

Only that I wasn't an orphan, but my mother never came to visit.

For many years my life was survival and drugs, a scream for love as I see it now.

Ten years later I was also homeless and really needed help to overcome the addiction. A doctor asked me, if I didn't have a mother. I agreed to call her.

She refused to help me. She didn't come to see me, she didn't offer anything.

I made it on my own. With God's help and some good people I met.

(After 8 years of Heroin-addiction I am now clean since 25 years)

Over the last 30 years I have seen my mother perhaps 10 times, I didn't count. But never alone, never long enough to talk. So I still had not fully figured out what was wrong with her.

It is really hard to admit that Your own mother doesn't love You. Especially when You have loved her dearly in Your early childhood and especially with the background I have. You are used to blame Yourself.

Only recently I have had contact with my mother for some years, trying to create a relationship, trying to build trust. Phonecalls where I endured her boring talk and tried not to bring up the past, because I wanted to look her in the eyes when we talk about this.

Them she came to visit. Alone. For the first time ever.

When I wanted to talk about the past a little she said "again? we already talked about that"

Yes, when I visited her she talked about it, meaning she told me how hard she had it (LOL!) and unsurprisingly everything was always someone elses fault.

Then I said this was a chance for her, an opportunity.

She said "Ha!" in a very disrespectful way.

And I slowly started to see that this person is cold and selfish.

The visit ended with me screaming at her If she even knows what she had done to us? She started to cry.

(a pettern to avoid conflict)

A month later I wrote her emails asking to talk this over, she responded that she has heart-issues.

(that is another pattern)

6 months later she wrote me, why everything cannot be nice again, the past is the past.

She has denied me to even talk about this nightmare that she caused me and now she wants to play mommy again.

How convenient, since the children are grown up nown and she doesn't have to give or do anything.

It was hard enough for me to listen to her superficial nonsense, just to build a relationship, just to be able to tell her what I have been through, how I needed her.

It never happened, when we talked it was always her side of the story.

And slowly slowly I became to understand better what I was dealing with.

That she really didn't care, that she really doesn't feel motherly love.

And that it was always all about her.

And slowly, slowly I start to understand that what I was longing for wasn't there, so please give up and try to move on.

That's where I am now, we have no contact since four years, just birthday cards and Christmas cards.

My mother fits the describtion of a nacissist, even looking back at what I thought were the good years she was constanly manipulating me. But she didn't love me, especially not unconditionally.

She loved me as her little pet-child.

She was never there for me during the times I needed her.

Maybe it was better than to be manipulated for much longer by such a person.


ReleasingUMamaNarcissist 4 years ago

Thank you, thank you,THANK YOU! I finally can put a name to this. I have a Narcissistic mother! As I read your post I found myself moving through anger, rage and finally laughing as you talked about how to get her off the phone fast (agree to not criticize).

Now I just have to find a way to forgive myself for wanting to remain 3000 miles away from her as she's getting older. I wonder if I'll regret not spending time with her in her old age :(


Only Child 2 4 years ago

My good friend has a lovely mother who lives several states away. They see each other once a year or so, and talk on the phone every few weeks.

My NM, on the other hand, moved nearby over 10 years ago, expects a phone call every day, and tries to insert herself into every aspect of my life, jealous of my own sons and husband. She has to think she is first, and set things up to be attended to twice a week, yet considers herself "independent." I can't finish a sentence without her interruption, and she turns every conversation to herself. I am not allowed to have friends over when she visits, and she picks apart every family gathering we have each month. If you see it from that vantage point, you may not have regrets about the distance you have from your NM. It does take some forgiveness on your part, of your NM and yourself, but believe me, the controlling influence of an NM is better from a distance than 15 minutes away.


Soner Latif 4 years ago

Dude, women are like this. Do not worry, you are NOT alone.


carrie 4 years ago

amazing article. Completely on point . Thank you


Phaedria 4 years ago

I just turned 37, this past summer my NM passed away at age of 54. It wasnt until recently that I realized she was a NM. Due to my career, I had a case where a client was being accused of being Narcississtic. I had to do a lot of research to prove they were wrong..anyway as I was researching this, bells began to ring loudly. My own mother, who beat me, betrayed me, worshiped my sister, who starved me growing up..told me I was a whore..(I was a late bloomer)this women who cheated on my dad, flirted with my boyfriends, treated me like her slave...and reminded me that I was a mistake. so many times, I cried, why was I born, why me..what is my purpose. I tried suicide 2x's...obviously didnt work. Now this last July she died..She was on life support for a week and I had to decide to pull the plug. I watched her gasp and stuggle for breath for 8 hours, then she passed away. I miss her..I would give anything to have her back on this planet to be only pissed off at her..this is the only emotion I know...I am 37 years old, my NM died, my beloved father is moving away this weekend, my fiance and I split up, I lost my house, and my job is moving as well. Oh did I tell you my grief counsellor died too. (amazing person)

I dont know weather to laugh or cry, for some reason this is my path..the only thing I can sum up is "get into therapy and fast kiddo..." We may hate our NM's, we probably envision what it will be like when they die..I always thought I would do a dance and sing "ding dong witch is dead..." But I didnt...A cub lost her mother, now the cub is lost....hate them if you must, but find a small part to love and forgive...my last words to mine were "I hate you, you crazy bitch I hope you rot in hell" 2 months later she died.


Lisa 4 years ago

I came to the ugly realization this past Christmas that my mother didn't love me, and never has. All of her disturbing behavior has always kept playing back over and over again, as if trying to get me to realize something, but I always chalked it up to her being a bit crazy due to being raised in an extremely unloving household, and being disappointed that her only daughter wasn't a success. Finally realizing she has NPD put the rest of the puzzle pieces into place. There is one "good" aspect of the disorder, though. She can't really surprise me with any type of behavior now. I know why she does these things (for instance, has dozens of photos of her granddaughter on her facebook page and a few of all the other immediate members of the family- but not even one including me) and that nothing will change. I realize that talking to her about it won't change anything, but may cause even more pain for me. On Christmas Day, I left her home knowing I would never see her again. Now that I've learned more about NPD I am even more determined to cut her out of my life totally. There's just one problem: What's going to happen when my niece grows a little older and stops idolizing my mother? She's only 5 now, and is closer to my mother than her own, in my opinion. When my mother begins to behave the way she did when I began to "rebel",(she saw any type of contradiction as rebellion)my niece will surely be crushed. I live 5 hours away and only see her twice a year. Any input would be appreciated.


Nikki 4 years ago

Hello everyone, hope all is well.

Getting better after brain surgery, still have another op to go.

THIS IS FOR OZMUM

How dare you judge us. You weren't there, how the hell do you know what us women went through.

I've done what you recomend many times, but the cruelty,lies and controll were too much to take.

I have done everything in the past to fix things.

It always failed. You just don't know what the hell you're talking about.

How would you take it, if your normal mother, told you

that she wished she put a pillow on your head when you were a baby, so that you died. How would you like your normal mother to say i wish your heart stops.

No mother has the right to make a child feel unwanted,unworthy and made to feel like a nobody.

A person can only try to mend things with nm for so long

to the point you realize it's fruitless.

SO OZMUM don't make us out to be the cruel ones and make us feel worse, we had a life time from our nm for that.

I suggest you go on another site and learn about the suffering of children of NM's. So get lost.


Phaedria 4 years ago

To OzMuM, seems like you have a bit od Narssisstic tendencies, to come on here and spout your crap?! I am a child of a NM, I was the rejected child, my twin was perfect. Well the perfect child didnt do anything to help when our NM died. Going through her journals, letters, and still see it clear as day that she NEVER loved me! That is hurtful, and cruel. I was just a little girl, all I ever wanted is my mothers love. She is dead now; the emotions go from missing her to hating her, she was a sick mean, selfish person. Do us all a favour and bugger off! This website is for children of NM's not NM's to come on here and insult us. We are trying to heal...so piss off!


Cary 4 years ago

This is for OZMOM...I have been calling my mother every single day for over 7 years...since I was old enough to do for her and my dad I have. Then when I married my husband he did for them too. We worked on their house putting up paneling & and putting linoleum on their floors..this is just a FEW things we did for them over the years. We have ALWAYS been there for them. For 30 years. My daddy appreciated it. He never had an unkind word to say to me or my husband. We have been married for 30 years. For years now all I have gotten from my mother is narcissistic behavior. She fits everything gloriarubio278 wrote in this article. Last August she had breast cancer and I was with her through it ALL. I stayed with her in the hospital, took her to all her appointments, when she came home I stayed from morning till night with her until she was back to normal. When I finally decided to go back to my normal life.. that I had put aside to be there for her..I got narcissistic behavior from her. I was told that I had not been there for her, that I didn't think she had been through anything. She went into a rage. My dad also told me EXACTLY what gloriarubio278 said her dad did.."my mother would never accept responsibility for anything. Nothing ever was, or ever will be, her fault." And it was true and still is! Like I said I have talked to my mother everyday for years and all I get from her is if I call at 4 pm..I call to late..if I call early in the morning, will I call later too? If I don't then I am not being a good daughter. If I stop by to see her and stay 30 minutes..she rather I had not come at all then to stay such a short time. Is she good to me? If buying me things when she's in a good mood and then letting me know that I "owe her" is being good to me then, I guess she is. Everything she does for me she tells me she expects me to do things for her. Although I have ALWAYS been there to help her..fix things, move things etc. This January my daddy died...and I am so lost! He is no longer here to tell me not to let her bother me. He's no longer here to tell me I'm a great daughter when she tells me I'm not a great daughter. And when I am trying to grieve for my daddy, deal with other things that are happening in my life..like the fear of losing my home and having a daughter move back home because of an abusive marriage with two kids...all she cares about is what she's dealing with, the loss of her husband who for years now I have had to listen to her complain about how much he was putting her through and how she couldn't take anymore, how she couldn't go shopping cause he rushed her...not once has she even considered what I feel or what my children feel with the loss of this wonderful man! But through it all we HAVE considered her loss and have been there for her..just to be slapped in the face that we are not there for her! It had gotten so bad before daddy died so that's no excuse. Her narcissistic behavior is what makes us not even want to be there for her or to do anything for her! I don't deserve what she dishes out. Just today I called her and after the machine picked up and I said it was me the first words out of her mouth were, well, I thought you had for got me. This was said in a hateful voice. I tried to be light about it..I said Oh no..it's 2:30...I'm sorry I am so late!! And I laughed . But she went on her tirade of calling her and then proceeded to ask me what I had been doing...it just got worse. She was awful! Before she was through, I was crying. I had to finally hang up on her cause she wouldn't stop and wasn't hearing anything I said. She even told me not to call her anymore. That she had other people. And told me to go love that other family that I loved so much.. meaning my in-laws..which if you knew the history is just so ridiculous! I hardly ever see them! Now, OZMOM, I don't know why you are even on here posting. It's evident that you don't need to be posting here cause you don't have a narcissistic mom. So please don't come here and act like it's our fault for feeling this way. I do not deserve the way my mother treats me. And I am sick of dreading to call her, afraid to call her..afraid to see her. I got this treatment today when just 2 days ago I got up early in the morning and went and spent an entire day with her! By the time the phone call was over I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe which then went into a panic attack. I can't take anymore of this. I won't take anymore of this. Thanks all for listening to me!


Cary 4 years ago

I also meant to say , thank you gloriarubio278 for posting this. Until yesterday I didn't know what was wrong with my mother. But when I read what you wrote, I knew! And to the others that posted here...I could have wrote most of what you wrote too..we have such similar stories. Thank you all for sharing!


LoHoyman 4 years ago

I found this page as a result of looking for a book I thought existed. OMG. It isn't just me! This is a real thing!

My mother is a NM. I was the 2nd child, 6 years younger than my sister. I have heard stories about what she had done when my sister was growing up (i.e. no sweets, candy or soda EVER to the point of calling the parents of a birthday child to tell them that "Kathy was to have no cake or ice cream, and no candy" which made my sister's life hell.

Mom was (is) also an alcoholic, just to add to the experience. Dad, who worked 60 hours a week and traveled a lot, coddled and catered to Mom. His saying was "Don't make waves" or "Don't upset your mother". We walked on eggshells at home, never knowing when she would explode, or what would set her off. It was a lot like "Mommy Dearest" at our house. We never had friends over, since she could be drunk, or act in an improper way. She could not stand us listening to music. She continuously told us we had too much perfume on, although we never wore the stuff (she was smelling the fragrance from our shampoo) Our hair was too long, our fingernails too long, and she would complain to her friends constantly about that.

When our dad got cancer, we were shocked...then we saw the photos of the progression of the tumor in his throat! He had a baseball sized lump on the side of his neck by the time he saw a doctor! He had asked Mom if she thought it was anything, and she said no. He underwent chemo, radiation, and several surgeries, and all the while, Mom was the poor, suffering wife of a sick man. Oh, how this affected HER! Dad recovered, and life went on. My sister and I got a call that Dad was sick and asking for us, and we drove quickly to L.A. (where they lived) When we got there, Dad was a literal skeleton, could not have weighed more than 90 lbs, dehydrated and delirious. We called an ambulance to get him to a hospital, shocked at his condition, but Mom saw nothing wrong. He hadn't eaten for weeks, according to the doctor, nor had anything to drink. He was running a high fever, had pneumonia, and his throat was closed up. He had a paralyzed vocal chord, a likely result of the cancer treatment, and had to be put on a stomach tube. he lived with the tube for the last five years of his life. But Mom, used to being wined and dined, made him take her out to dinner constantly, tho he could not eat a morsel. He would sit patiently, watching her eat and drink.

When Dad died, she was the grieving widow. The story she tells of the night he died is actually funny at the same time it's tragic. Apparently, in the ICU, she had to sit on a wobbly wooden "milk stool", which they expected her to sleep on if she stayed. (this is a top-flight medical facility, BTW) She left, Dad died (the fault of the hospital, in her opinion) and a picture of the two of them she had brought to put on his bedside went missing. The terror and hysterics she put the staff through (and all of us!) was beyond description. (Turns out they had placed the pic with Dad's body) The funeral home scene was outlandish. But, after the funeral, all of their friends just sort of faded away...quickly and with great purpose. Many of them had approached my sister and I and said "I am so sorry. We knew what she was like, but we couldn't help you girls" Huh? EVERYBODY knew Mom was nuts?

Mom ended up coming up here to live in a retirement village. She is the youngest, most talented, most beautiful, thinnest, blah blah blah to ever grace their halls. But everyone else there is fat, and they use walkers! They are all lazy, and smell, and ....well, Karma may be a bitch, but She's got a great sense of humor! Mom started falling recently, and the doctor prescribed her a walker. Of course, she threw a FIT when he dared mention the walker to her, but he insisted. She needs it now, which pisses her off no end.

Afterword: My sister is exhibiting all the signs of narcissism as well. She denies Mom suffers Narcissism.


Neyra 4 years ago

My mother called on Wednesday, left a message and insisted I call her back immediately. I was busy and I did not get the call at the moment, it went to voice mail. Then she called again and again. After that she left me "messages" one after another, by just breathing loudly and hanging up. Before, she normally cursed F words if I don't pick up the phone that same second asking me in the messages if I knew that "I even had a mother". I normally call her back the same day apologizing for not being able to take the call the moment she dialed my number, and then she usually takes first five minutes of the phone conversation to curse at me again. And I listen... I am a pleaser personality by nature and not really good with confrontations either. I work with clients and I am very good at it.

One time about four years ago, I have confronted her after being verbally abused again, and I told her how she makes me feel sad and what she did to my life. She "fainted" in the kitchen and someone called 911 and she claimed that she had a heart attack and a stroke - thanks to me. Since then, my mother had at least "seven heart attacks". I try not to cause any more of her episodes now.

Now, let me go back 40 years when I was born and when my mother left me as a one month old baby. She was 18, she got pregnant with her choir teacher and they had me then. My grandma took the responsibility of me and my mom went with this guy (my dad) to live in a foreign country. He divorced her and he died soon, she was 24, still young, very successful and rich, she drove a Mercedes and my poor grandma was a cleaning lady who barely had her ends meet. You think my mother paid any "child support"? When I turned 7 my grandma demanded that my mom comes back to our hometown, that she takes me back and sends me to school. At the time, my grandparents were my "parents" but they were old and they knew I needed a real mother.

My mom came back because grandma finally lied to her to trick her into coming back about some vacation or something; she stayed for a year or two, only to find another man who she left with. She told my grandma that this man didn't want me around and I was not allowed to visit their house and their new baby son, my half-brother. I was 10, then I grew up and came to US. I found a job, I worked hard and I bought a house here. In the meantime, my mother lost all her money and started calling me saying she will "leave everything and all the bstrdz over there" and come live with me in America. Well, that would be like living with a complete stranger, wouldn't it. Anyway, I got married recently so my husband and I went to visit her, my stepfather who is now ill and my baby brother. I took my daughter with me as well. I wanted her to meet her grandma, and I wanted my husband to meet my family. I wanted to be a part of my family, finally. So we arrived to the house, she was nice and everything appeared normal. Yes my mother talks only about herself, that was "normal" as well. We set at the dinner table and there are 11 or so plates for everyone, cousins and neighbors and us guests, and everyone has a fork and a knife, she cooked a lot of food for this occasion but there was no dinner plate in front of me. I said Hey mom, we are missing one dinner plate here, where is your hutch so I can get one for myself. She laughed out loud in front of everyone, looked at me and said: "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO EAT, YOU ARE FAT". I am size 12. One neighbor turned to me and said "YOU ARE NOT AS FAT AS YOUR MOM TOLD ME YOU WERE, YOU LOOK REALLY NICE". Some people at the table felt uncomfortable, my husband asked me what did she say (he only speaks English), so I translated to him. He said to me no worries, you will eat from my plate baby. The problem was, I was not hungry any more. I went to the bathroom and sat there and cried for 20 minutes while they were having dinner. My husband was worried about me, he suggested we finish and we leave soon.

What else to add to this... In the meantime she called me not to apologize but again, to talk about herself. I accepted this relationship with this woman, I only have one mother, right? Even if she has a question about me and my family, she does not wait for an answer, she keeps talking about her. Every time we talk, I feel guilty for some reason. I asked her one time why she didn't abort me. I asked her also what was my father like. The man died 35 years ago and I saw him in pictures. The answer I received is that he was a drunken idiot and he ruined her life of course.

So anyway, I felt terrible after numerous mean messages again and I didn't know if I should just stop calling her, or if I should call and apologize again or what to do. I googled "should I call my mother" and I found this page that I'm really grateful for. I spent a whole day here reading your comments, sisters. I wish I can hold hands with you people here. Some of you suffered very much. But it takes pain to achieve wisdom.

At least and some of you were not that lucky as I was, I had my brilliant grandmother who unfortunatelly had passed away. I miss her every day.

Now I understand that my biological mother has this disorder that she probably can't control or she does not know how, or she does not want to.

But it is not my fault. I don't think I will ever visit her again. And I won't feel guilty for that.

I decided to return the call today and got cursed at again. She then asked me what was I doing. I said I was having coffee. My mother "corrected me" to say "cafe" instead of "coffee" because she knows best. I added that in the country where I live now, we say "coffee" and I'll continue calling it "coffee". And I won't call her so often, she may get information about me from my brother if she needs to, I will email him. She complained loudly "So is this all that I get now, only bits and pieces??" and I hung up saying Goodbye politely, I am not sure if she heard that because she was still talking about her anger.

Life is short. I am, again, grateful for having such mother, so I can become a better parent to my daughter. I also do counseling work with people and this helps me tremendously to understand that not all mothers are the same. This also strengthens my relationship with my husband and teaches me that praise is important, to show how grateful I am for who he is. So thank you, mother. I wish you well and I wish you make better choices from now on. May your life be full of love, money, friends, and everything you desire.

My grandma though was my actual mother. I think of her often, I light candles on holidays and on her birthdays to cherish my memory of her. She gave me everything she had, she praised me and she loved me. I learned love from her. Otherwise, I would be lost.

Thanks for listening.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Our NMs raise us to be people pleasers, so they can manipulate us to do what they want.

It's like waking up from a bad dream when you realize you're dealing with an NM. Then each of us has to decide what WE want from our relationship with our NM, not the opposite.

Some of us can carve out a semblance of a relationship, some cannot. What's most important is that we find the healing and happiness that we each deserve on our own terms.

I agree that life is short, and we can take today and make it work for us, becoming a pleaser of ourselves first, so we can bring that joy to others who truly appreciate and love us for who we are.


VanessainLondon 4 years ago

I moved to London from New York to get away from a NM and it was the best thing I ever did. I have a great husband, beautiful daughter, nice friends and am happy. This article has so many responses, because it is sooo well written and so relate-able. I started reading it wondering if this Narcissism was going to be something that would be similar to what I experienced and it was. Not only did my mother do all of these things, and single-handedly ruined my childhood- she got my abusive brother in on the act, and it was horrible. My brother was her favorite, she played helpless, and they both used to critisize and hit me almost every day. When I was 25, I boarded a plane to England, never to come back home again. It was the best thing ever- to get away from their clutches, I was able to start life again anew. Swipe clean the bad slate of the first 25 years of my life, and start a new one. I have had a blast, saved myself, and have been able to become the person I always wanted to be. Now my brother is neglectful of my mom, and I am the only one who really takes care. Now she misses me and wishes she had me there with her, but too bad (that took more than 10 years with me away until she got to that point- that does not happen overnight)- I have forgiven her, but I will never come home to that. Ill visit, Ill be nice, I'll have her over here- but will never return home. I dread to think of how I would have ended up had I stayed there. Thank god I got out. I strongly suggest if you can: go to University in another town/state, or take a job in another state/country, do whatever you can to get at least 1000 miles away. And never look back. And start to grow into the person you were meant to be, and all you were meant to achieve, away from all that lousy criticism and lack of empathy and lack of support. It wont happen overnight, it'll take a few years- but moving far away is the first step to getting on that 'happy path'.


annlyn 4 years ago

I'm 52 and knew early that my mother was different--I had no words for it so I called her crazy, but she's just narcissistic and/or has borderline personality disorder. Anyway, I'm an only child and she's the crawl-into-your-head kind of narcissist--not the ignore-you kind.

The kinds of things I would notice over time--she seemed to want me to be sick at totally random times ("does your head hurt? you need to rest") but if I actually WAS sick and she needed me to do something, it was like she didn't even hear me.

There's so much, but I've got my own life now. I don't hate her anymore. I feel really bad for her. Unfortunately she's 90 and starting to have dementia and I'm her caregiver. She lives in a facility but I check on her almost every day because if I skip too many days, I will be punished.

There are so many stories...some of them hard to believe. She threw up in the car once because I took a wrong turn and refused to turn around and drive back 50 miles to correct it at the exact point of that turn, when all I had to do was pick up the interstate where we were, no problem. But no, there had to be dire drama.


lulu1977 4 years ago

Wow, all this is so familiar. I grew up with no love whatsoever from my mother. There was my older sister, my younger brother and myself. We were all severely neglected. Dad was the one that took us to the babysitters, bought us candy or did anything that needed to be done. She wouldn't even feed us, she would send us to the store next door w/ a note and list of lunch meat and her cigarettes and stuff to charge. We were never called in to the house at night, we got our own selves up for school, etc. Once I made a school project in 2nd grade and the teacher told us to set it by the door and knock and then hide for it to be a surprise. So I put it down by the door and knocked, hid on the steps and watched as she opened the door, "What the HELL is this??" she screamed out in he witch voice! What a heartache. I laid in bed everyday after school with the worst headaches and would be crying my eyes out and have to get my own aspirin, she never once comforted me or took me to a Dr. There are NO pictures whatsoever of me and my younger brother from when we were a baby or our childhood, the only pictures we have of us our ones we took ourselves in our teenage years. I am 52 now and whenever we are around her all she talks about is herself, if you tell her of a health problem, she will cut you right off to tell you how hers is worse. She repeats the same stories over and over from her younger years of how some wealthy family wanted to adopt her, or of how her father was to her, it's all about her. The only one she cared about was our father. He was not a good provider for the family, barely worked, so we went hungry a lot! Do you think she cared that her kids were going hungry? NO!! All she cared about was having sex w/ dad. Nothing else in her life mattered, we meant nothing to her. We went to 15 different schools as small children due to them not paying rent and getting kicked out one place to the next run down apartment w/ cockroaches, rats, etc. What an awful childhood we endured, but to hear her talk you'd think everything was normal. She thinks that all the teenage kids that hung out at our house when we were teenagers were b/c she and dad were so cool, NO it was b/c they were allowed to smoke cigarettes, joints, whatever. She thinks she is the one that gave all our friends their nicknames! She even said one day "I was a GOOD mother!" yet she says she had a nervous breakdown when we were all little b/c she was having to get dad up early in the a.m. and take him to work and she had to work nights! Whippie! She absolutely hates my 50 yr old brother b/c he has had so many addiction problems and has never been stable. I wasn't able to attend full days of school after kindergarten b/c all I did was cry at school all day, never figured that one out yet. But, I cannot remember her ever comforting us, loving us, anything. I wonder does anyone else not have any pictures from their childhood b/c their NM never took any? thanks, good luck to all of you.


crazylife1 4 years ago

lulu1977 My mother didn't take pictures of me. I only had 1 baby picture and that was a cheap polaroid where my older sister was holding me so not a lot of detail. I was born in the early 70's and I've asked my mother why I don't have pictures or a completed baby book. I've heard every lame excuse including they didn't have film or a camera back then. My parents both had jobs and income but we were severely neglected, moved a lot etc... As a mother myself at each stage of my children's lives I'm in shock to recall the neglect I suffered at each year. I remember waking up on my birthday and rushing to their room and they would be surprised and say 'oh it's your birthday'? with no gift/cake etc... I'm sure I go over the top with all holidays because I really want to make sure my kids have a wonderful and happy childhood. From the young age of 9 I was shipped off to live with different people including a college room mate of hers. It was all so weird. She would act like I was getting a vacation out of it but I was sent off with nothing. In Jr. High I lived with a friend from school. My mother could have cared less. The friends mother was divorced yet my friend had a loving mother that took care of her. My mother could have cared less if I had food, clothes or anything. Looking back the one thing I'm grateful for is that I learned my mothering from all of these other homes. I know it all sounds bizarre but it's true. My mother is snide, vindictive, cold, calculationg, and extremely narcissistic. She can not stand that as an adult I have a great life with great kids. I don't love her nor do I have any empathy for her. Ozmum has no clue to the neglect and abuse so many of us have suffered. I so agree with everyone about having to have no contact or very little contact. I guess it all depends on how bad your mother is. My mother is pretty bad and the verbal abuse continues. My sister her 'golden child' calls me frequently to let me know of all the mean things Mom says about me and my family. Enough if enough and I choose happiness.


Carol 4 years ago

@Phaedria Oh Yay they are real good at making us feel the undeserved and misplaced guilt. Don't let her do that to you! I'm sorry for your loss. Mine is still alive and tormenting her chidlren that she 'regrets ever having'! LOL


Matthew Hutchins 4 years ago

Sounds just like my mother in law, horrible self obsessed woman.

Fantastic article.


Phaedria 4 years ago

Hi Carol, Being a survivor of my NM has really changed me. I am moving due to failed marriage, and I found NM's journals. To see her thoughts in writing, and knowing that the heartless B&%ch says in her own hand writing that I am a big disappointment, that all the issues I had with her were all me overeacting, makes me want to take her ashes and flush them down the toilet after No.2. LoL..gross but the women was a real piece of work. She can rot in hell. Im off to therapy and move on. My heart goes out to all children of NM's. Everyday I tell my son he is loved, wonderful, and I am so lucky to be his mother. I own up to my errors,(like snapping when tired) admit my mistakes. I am not a perfect mother, but I do my best. My NM taught me WHAT NOT TO DO to your kids.


Mark 4 years ago

I would just like to say wow! and thanks to all you people out there that posted this stuff. To find that you are not alone with this problem is so 'refreshing'. I am sure that people reading this and all of the above are looking for an answer as to how to 'solve' the problem. After extensive work and research I have come to the following conclusions: firstly, it will never get better, indeed it only gets worse, so stop believing things will change as you will be wasting your time. Secondly there are two routes to your own salvation. One is to endlessly go on forgiving the behaviour, which seems to be advocated by religious groups and the other is to sever all contact. Personally I have done the latter after trying the former for too long. All I can say is it worked for me and I make myself stay strong and not be tempted back to how things were. I hope this helps.

I am 54 years of age, so it took me quite a while to work this out!


Neyra 4 years ago

Mark, thank you for your kind words. I was at this site (my story is right above) to get some advice about if I should call my mother again or not. It is Easter this Sunday and I know that it's going to be bad if I don't call her, and bad if I do. I am still trying to find some middle solution and call but keep the conversations short. This is still too emotional for me and I am not sure what to do this Sunday.

Important thing is I believe, to forgive yourself, what ever you decide to do.

Lulu1977, I have some pics from my childhood thanks to my grandma. My mother took me one day for a photo session of her own, and it was very very awkward. I was 7 and very nervous. Having an unwanted child is tough I guess :)) and it takes us a lot of time to figure out what's really going on with our mother.

Peace.


Mark 4 years ago

To Neyra:

The best 'middle ground' solution, which I personally do not advocate, as you will stay in the loop so to speak, but nonetheless appreciate you are at a position I was a few years ago, is this: Some disaster has come up so that you simply couldn't ring, or you were incredibly busy etc. As my mother goes in to a complete state over the slightest little thing, for example a cup of water spilt on the floor becomes the whole kitchen was flooded - I am not joking or exaggerating!!! - it is easy to 'invent' your own disaster. Today I have a cold and am not feeling too bright, however as far as my mother is concerned it would be the flu with severe bronchitis, so I was in bed and couldn't get to the 'phone or talk anyway if I did. i.e. play her at her own game. Also you can get the message across that you have such a wide busy life outside of her she is lucky that you find the time to fit her in to it. Personally my own mother was so unbelievably cruel to me when my Dad was dying of cancer, that I have severed all contact. I took that action because she was making me physically ill with all the stress of it. Everyones situation is different, but I think the trick to working things out for yourself are to stop being emotional, (easier said than done, and take bold practical steps and stick to them. Again, I hope that helps.


Mark 4 years ago

There is another solution I should have mentioned: Do what my sister did and emigrate to the other side of the world!


diamondmoon73 4 years ago

After a crying spell earlier this week I found this article. Thank you so much, all of you, for helping me 'see' and define exactly what is my mother's mental illness - engulfing NM. she saw me as an extension of herself and when she realized i had my own mind & plans for the future, all hell broke loose.

Honestly, i was the girl child that did as i was told, never misbehaved in school, excelled at my studies & won several district competitions. never did drugs of any kind, suffered from low self-esteem & survived elementary school bullies. yet to my verbally and physically abusive, NMother, i was 'rebellious', 'ungrateful' and 'not humble enough' - yes i was the 'scapegoat' while my never-do-well younger brother was her 'golden child'

from the age of 4, i was terrified of my mother. at age 5 she seemed to have my life planned out for me. she told me verbatim, that i was to go to college, have a great career, live with her until i get married, quit my job and become a stay-at-home mum until my kids turned 18. i knew at age 5 i wanted to be a working mother like my kindergarten classmates' mums and told her so. she said "only bad mothers work and put their children in daycare." i knew then she was crazy.

She was a stay-at-home mum and a cheater in her marriage. She married my dad, an alcoholic who was a great provider but had issues of his own from childhood. They fought constantly and eventually divorced. Dad, despite his illness, continued to be there for me as well as my Stepdad, a wonderful, tolerant, patient man who taught me to stand up for myself. Both loved and supported my major, career choices, etc. unconditionally until their deaths.

Back to mum…she would come to my primary school and volunteer all day. to everyone else, she seemed like the caring, kind, saintly mom. she was in reality a cruel, control freak who would never take accountability for the horrible things she said to me and to her sisters. For instance, the weather changed one day and she brought a sweater to school for me to wear home. she said put it on now. i whispered, 'but mom, i'm not cold, i'll put it on when you pick me up from school.' she then beat me in front of the entire class and put the sweater on me and dared me to take it off. i was the laughingstock of my 1st grade class and an open target for bullies until the end of elementary school.

i wasn't the only one who felt the brunt of her vicious tongue. the PTA parents and several teachers couldn't stand her and she received an anonymous letter from some parents & teachers by the time i got to 4th grade. In it, they listed her faults (even using foul language to describe her) and said that she was damaging us kids by smothering us. she played the 'victim' naturally and even tried to make me side with her. it was hard for me at that tender age to understand how my teachers knew the truth about her.

stepdad dying - one of the worst days of my life. i was 14. she didn't allow me to go to the funeral. i never understood why.

senior prom - she went with me and my 2 aunts, 1 of whom was a brilliant seamstress, to the fabric shop and she 'bullied' me into picking a pattern of the dress she wanted me to wear - it looked like something that a 12 year old would wear in 1950. I never got to wear the prom dress i wanted (my own design, very age-appropriate). I was in tears and vowed that she'd never be present when choosing a dress for any future special occasion - my wedding especially. To make matters worse, my date cancelled on me a month before because i refused to go to a hotel and sleep with him (i was a virgin and wanted to remain such until i went to college). i summarily told him to p*** off and decided to go to prom by myself. instead of my mum saying "well done, love, standing up for your values" she panicked and worried what people might think if i showed up without a date. wtf???? really? thank goodness i had the support of several friends and their parents who commended me for standing up to peer pressure. To this day, she insists that I wore the dress 'that I wanted to wear', that i'm ungrateful and won't even acknowledge her role in it.

class ring - i picked out a class ring with a small diamond and had saved enough money from my after-school job to pay for half of it. she said i didn't need a diamond, cubic zirconia was what i was getting, even though i was paying for half. she said if i didn't like my ring, give it to her…i did. years later, my brother got a diamond in his class ring - she paid for his entirely.

xmas and birthday gifts - she stopped giving me gifts at 18 declaring that was my father's job to buy me gifts. i continued to give her gifts until my mid-20s and just stopped after that. my brother? she gives him lavish gifts every year.

university - when i announced that wouldn't go to university to study the major she wanted for me, but my own choice, she said she wasn't paying for college with the money my stepdad left for me. i put myself through school and Dad helped with books and such. i stayed at her house and commuted every day to uni. big mistake. i should have stayed in the dorms. my brother… she paid for him to study the major of HIS choice.

Dad- unfortunately while i was at uni, he suffered from dementia after being very ill and had to be looked after. i became his caretaker briefly before moving him to an assisted living complex.

she's always said that if i couldn't abide by her 'rules' (i.e. abusive behavior) then i could leave but i'd never make it on my own as rent is too high and i'd be better off staying with her. for a few years after uni, i believed her and stayed at home. she is a master manipulator and pits my drug-using brother and i against each other. once he hit me, i fought back best i could and i called the police on him. she told my brother to go out to the garden. when the officer got to the house, she completely lied to protect my brother and told the officer to arrest me as i started the fight while he was helping her in the garden…i was hysterical. the officer told me if i didn't calm down, he would arrest me. that was the night i left home. Feeling alone without my Dad to protect me, i stayed with a cousin 3 months until i could get my own place. i tried for years out of guilt to maintain a relationship with her only to receive more abuse. of course she expected me to run all of her errands just like when i lived at home. she once wanted me to stop at a grocery store to pick up a few items when i told her i was coming to visit before work. i agreed. 15 minutes into the trip she phoned to ask me to go to 3 other grocery stores. i told her i couldn't do that and she flew into a fit of rage. never mind i would have been late for work had i'd agreed. i told her to get my brother to do it - she snapped 'he's busy'! when i finally got to her house, he was busy alright - watching basketball on TV - unbelievable! yet i'm the 'bad seed', 'ungrateful' child.

brother - today a drug-addict, Narcissist, father of 3 by 3 different wives, philander with a co-dependent wife whose father was N. my mother swears that i'm jealous of his life - as if.

her surviving sisters don't have much to do with her, as i realized later that she was abusive to them too. she even accused one sister of spending too much money at the beauty salon -- this being the reason her daughter needed math tutoring -- pure jealousy of her sister being a working mum. she took pleasure in hearing when they lost their home and tried to turn me against them. soon after my brother turned 18, her sisters stopped inviting our family to xmas/thanksgiving dinners. i didn't understand why at first but they knew, without saying to us kids, that my mum is crazy and that we kids were welcome to visit and hang out any other time.

after a major surgery, i chose the LC option. i live 6 miles from mother and haven't seen her in FIVE years. i call her between 6-8 times a year and every time she says, 'see you soon', i reply, 'not unless we're in family therapy'. of course, she maintains there is nothing wrong with her. i swear NMs read from the same


Pam 4 years ago

Where were you m20 years ago when knowing this would have changed my life. i have spent my whole life trying to please her and unfortunately that became everything I spent my whole life trying to please everyone to the point of who could care about me like this. I never felt good enough so i always gave more. Now i am old and left with nothing but hatred for myself for always giving never wanting because I never felt i deserved it. i pray anyone that is young listen to this. You are worht it and even though its hard because you don;t feel you have a mother that really cares that in itself is hard. care about yourself. I always have felt why do I have a so called mother like this moms arte not supposed to be like this. I learned and there is nothing more important in this world to me but my son. i raised he to appreciate but I gave him so much love and always wanteds him to know he can do anything if he evers feels he cant he can depend on me to help me.


diamondmoon73 4 years ago

+++ continued from above.

After a major surgery, I chose the LC option. I live 6 miles from mother and haven't seen her in FIVE years. I call her between 6-8 times a year and every time she says, 'see you soon', I reply, 'not unless we're in family therapy'. of course, she maintains there is nothing wrong with her. I swear NMs read from the same script, "you need to stop living in the past", "you're bitter""you're ungrateful", "you just need to go to church & forget the past." I've been in therapy since age 19 (I am 38 now) and my mother says that the psychologists (all of them) have turned me against her - she refuses to see that we've never had a close relationship. Some of my early relationships were with Ns but I left them after seeing a pattern of behavior. I'm single now and I'm healing slowly and have given up on mum being any different. Mourning the fact that she'll never change… she is truly a monster. I keep our calls very topical and she doesn't know anything about my professional or personal life. She doesn't have my address and only has my cell phone number.

To the survivors here, thanks for sharing. To the 50, 60+y.o. who have only just found out what your mum suffers from...knowledge is power at any time and any age. Knowledge will set your FREE!


peacemaker21 4 years ago

Well this is all unnerving, after years of concerns with my sister in laws treatment of her children, and stepchildren (my nieces and nephews) I am pretty sure that she has a narcissist personality disorder. I have turned my head to her put downs and bad parenting over the years and pretended to buy into her "I'm the perfect person" charade to avoid conflict. I babysat their 5 children often and thought I could help build them up from the neglect and coldness she consistently projected (except on rare occations she would show interest and affection of which seemed for show). Unfortunately now my and my mothers usefullness for free daycare has expired and she has created drama over nothing and we are pretty much cut out from their family as we offended her by calling her out on her some of her self rightous crap. Anyways my oldest niece will outright defy's her stepmother to come see us and talk to us, and is close to 18 and getting out of there, she has her scars, but will probably be ok. Her younger brother we are hoping will get to move back with his biological mom once she finds appropriate housing so he hopefully can get out without too much damage. The three others kids I don't know, they already have problems with stealing, lying, and misbehaving in school. They love their mom and desperately seek her attention and approval which she does not give them much of. Now that we are cut out we can't love em up and build them up either, and I wonder what they think, I wish there was a way to let them know we didn't stop caring and a way to prevent them from the devastation that seems inevitable to come from having her as a mother...


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Since the sister who is 18 is still there, she could communicate your concern to the other siblings. I know that in my case, my mother constantly cut people out of our lives over the years, including family and friends. I don't allow her to do that now, and even reconnected with some of the relatives she alienated long ago. If the children know you care, they will find comfort in that knowledge. They are acting out because of the confusion at home, which is a cry for help. The eldest sister could alert the counselor at her siblings school, too. It won't change the situation at home, but the kids will learn it's not their fault, and tools to help them gain a stronger self-esteem.


Carol 4 years ago

Anyone else ever have their NM (she's 86) call the police and attempt to have you arrested? For stealing her haunted house and ruby slippers or something equally bizzare! I did until recently have POA(no more thankfully). She asked me for years to help her find a nice AL. I did. I found a great place. She rejected it as she does everything. She was in Rehab nursing home since October (a drunken spill which resulted in a broken leg and many 911 calls). I have been billed by the Emergency crew and the Nursing home and the AL. She is back in her haunted house and I will have NO CONTACT at this time or possibly ever again.


Carol 4 years ago

@ Phaedria, My grown son reassures often that I am and was always a good mother and the curse has been lifted! Happy new trails.


Neyra 4 years ago

Thank you Mark. I did just that recently, I moved to a different continent. :)

Easter Sunday call was OK (I am not into religion but she is and she considers it is the biggest sin not to contact HER on religious holidays, not give her greetings or not to send her a card). I asked another person to be on a conference call with us, we called her at 11 PM 6 AM her time and and we kept the conversation 10 minutes long because it was too late and we were 'way too tired'. For now, it will be 3 times a year and always conferencing with a friend.

MARK SAYS: 'Today I have a cold and am not feeling too bright, however as far as my mother is concerned it would be the flu with severe bronchitis, so I was in bed and couldn't get to the 'phone or talk anyway if I did. i.e. play her at her own game.'

I totally relate to that. In fact, this mother drama helped me recognize similar behavior in other people, especially my female friends drama and I use the same technique so to speak until the vampire lets go. ;)

A little attention greedy NM is sitting and waiting in every one of us.

We are lucky if we are able to see it, to move on and not spread this virus any further.


Realisation 4 years ago

I am almost rendered speechless. Simply that I have come to the realisation that I am not alone in dealing with a Mother who up until now I have truly felt hates me. So much of each of your stories and descriptions of your own Mothers behaviours I can completely relate to.

I am in my mid 30’s. I have two young children and am happily married. A week and a half ago I told my Mother I don’t want any more contact with her until she stops drinking. As well as now realising she is a Narcissist, she is also an alcoholic and very abusive when she drinks. My younger brother is a mess, drugs, drink you name it he has dabbled in it. He has been put through years of rehab but never stays. He has a child he never contacts and has never held down a job for more than a month. I have a beautiful family of my own, run my own business, a degree, an HNC, a house – everything any normal parent would be proud of but all I have ever been is a scapegoat for my brother’s behaviour while the sun well and truly shines from him. He can do no wrong.

My mother had a string of affairs when I was young – yet my Father has stayed with her through years of abuse. He is an enabler in my eyes, I love him so much and hate to see the way she treats him but I hate how he lets it happen. He was once a strong, proud man until he had a nervous breakdown a few years ago and he has never quite recovered.

I cannot even begin to describe the emotional abuse I have had from my Mother over the years – when your own Mother calls you a c**t, fat, useless, ungrateful, selfish, b**ch, greedy, ineffectual, and on and on it becomes very difficult to believe there is not something wrong with yourself. My self-esteem is very low; I am paranoid and find it very difficult to form relationships with people. I had a stillborn baby 8 months into my pregnancy a number of years ago – the day after I gave birth to my dead baby my Mother told me to “get a grip”. At a time when I couldn’t have felt any lower, in any more need of support she tells me that. That will always stay with me.

I am terrified that I in some way end up like her and make my own children feel the way that she has made me feel over the years. As much as I will do everything within my power for this not to be the case I panic when I see any tiny part of me and my personality that reminds me of her – good or bad! Does anyone else with children feel this way?

I am so grateful to have found this article and all of your comments. For years I have wished for a ‘normal’ Mother, someone supportive, loving and kind. I find myself envious of friends who are close to their Mothers. I HATE Mother’s day. It feels good to express this somewhere.


Getting there.. 4 years ago

Having a NM means

getting cheap gifts--given as if they cost the earth, and for years i would spend lavishly on her in part as she would talk about childhood years of not having nice things

complete conversations about her life, her hobbies, her work and how superior she is, talented

my kids have accepted that grandmother will only see them on her terms, her time

grandmother put in a pool so all grandchildren dont get any christmas gifts--visiting her twice a year they get to use the pool

critical eye on my characteristics or my kids

despite her poor upbringing, mother is last word on ettiquette

NM asked for my father in law's funeral to be on a certain day as it suited her better

NM is not physically or emotionally available to me, and despite being a stay at home mother for most of my childhood was not available-- she wouldnt know my teachers name

NM despite considerable wealth asks for money when taking my kids anywhere and wont take them for the sake of even $5

NM is now only giving gifts to certain grandchildren up to the value of $20 as they dont express enough thanks

NM called 4 days after my husband in life threatening accident, no offers to help but 'terribly wounded' when we didnt visit when she had cold

NM organises occasional family get together but asks other members to supply main meal

NM friends think that me and my kids are 'so lucky' to have her --incredible wisdom, 'totally supportive' etc-- reality is that it is one long dialogue about self and wouldnt go out of her way to assist or even be with any of us

NM thinks that other mothers- who are generous and available and supportive are 'pleasers who have no life of their own and get shafted in the end'


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Yes, I have worried for years that I would be like my mother. If I said something that sounded like her, I caught my breath. I jokingly threatened my husband to NEVER tell me that I'm like my mother, even in jest.

The mere ability of us to consciously see that our NMs are sick is a realization that we aren't and never will be them. We have the power to rise above our NMs influence, and make our own world work for us, whether it is with or without the NM in it. Sure, she's our mother, but she gave up the right to any right to have a say in our lives because she never mothered us. What a lonely, miserable existence. Let's let misery have her own company.


GoldenChild 4 years ago

I am the eldest of 3 and am 50 years old. I don't know what to do about my mother any more. She is becoming unbearable. Looking back, I can identify with so many of the traits of a NM that she has displayed throughout my life. The worst of all though is making my sister the scapegoat and our younger brother has not spoken to my sister for 15 years all because our NM decided to drive a wedge between them. Our sister and her family have been excluded from every family gathering all that time and our NM doesn't seem to feel there is anything wrong with this. Our Dad takes NM's side. A couple of years ago we invited them all to our daughter's 21st but my brother refused to come because my sister was coming. So my parents wouldn't come either and we had a big argument which resulted in none of us speaking for several months. I just can't understand how parents can behave like that. Last year my husband was diagnosed with cancer but NM was so engrossed in how upset she was that she hardly ever bothered to phone to see how we were getting on and we struggled through most of the year with little or no support from them. Last Christmas we decided to spend it with our daughter in Wales and NM was very angry that we weren't spending it with her and told me so in no uncertain terms. This Easter my brother, his wife and my parents spent the long weekend with us. We went out of our way to give them a good weekend but my mother told me when she left that she had an awful weekend because she said my sister in law and my daughter had made fun of her and now she does not want to visit us again when our daughter (her granddaughter ) is there! I can't take much more of her emotional abuse. I'm emigrating to the USA soon but she is constantly making me feel guilty for leaving her and the other day she threatened me that she would never speak to me again if we left for the states without saying goodbye to her! I had no intention of doing so, so I don't know where that came from. I believe that I and my brother were the "golden" ones but now it is a constant battle for us to keep a step ahead of her so that she can't alienate us from each other. But now it seems her sights are set on his wife and my daughter and we didn't see that coming.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Hi, GoldenChild.

Boy, so many of our lives criss-cross. My NM moves from one person to another, finding ways to say that each wronged her, and making up lies. I don't believe a word of it, and don't take her seriously anymore. I just deflect it if she mentions something, or question her until she says that she may have misunderstood. If I were you, I'd even go so far as to say that to your NM that your sister-in-law and daughter were shocked that she thought they made fun of her. Watch your NMs reaction to that. If she holds to her story, hold to yours.

Consider yourself very fortunate to get away from your NM. Have a pact with your brother to always check out anything your NM says with each other before reacting. Once she becomes less important to you, you'll have a clear head and can anticipate her manipulative moves and the less you react to her, the more healing and peace.


GoldenChild 4 years ago

Thank you Only Child 2 for your advice. The one issue that makes things difficult is that my brother is in denial. As the youngest, his upbringing was very different to ours. He was our Dad's favourite so he was very sheltered from all our NM's poison. He is now looking for other reasons to explain her behaviour - depression, Alzheimers etc and just can't seem to see what is glaringly obvious to me. Our sister, on the other hand, is in total agreement, and as the scapegoat, has opted for minimum contact as it's the only way she can find any peace. I would like to do the same but I feel so guilty because it would upset my father.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

I completely understand. My NM lives nearby, and I see her twice a week to take her food shopping and out with my aunt. They have no one but me. My NM used to drive me senseless with her ridiculous demands, etc. Until I found this site and others, I did not know how to set and keep boundaries. It was a struggle at first, but over the last 2 years, it has been more peaceful and I've gained my own world back outside of my NMs criticism and grip.

It is because of my aunt that I still have contact with my NM. It's been a blessing in disguise, because my relationship with my NM improved as I put things back in perspective. My NM really doesn't know much about my life, and I like that. When I'm with her, it's all about her and my aunt. They are contented and I use work and other things as reasons for my boundaries. You have to do what works for you and your family, and will know when the fit is right for each of you. Wishing you the best, and for everyone else working through this.


GoldenChild 4 years ago

Thank you, you are absolutely bang on. I do need to set boundaries and be firm about maintaining them. It's going to be difficult because I have become accustomed to taking the path of least resistance with her to keep the peace and my self confidence is low.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

If you think about it, the NM groomed us for this. They taught us to base our self concept on their approval. Once you have had some successes, and I'm not saying you still won't have some bad days, you will create your own self confidence, which is much sweeter than the one you were raised to have. If I can do this, so can you!:)


GoldenChild 4 years ago

Thank you:) it is such a relief to be able to communicate with people who totally understand. "Getting There...." I can totally relate to your comment about the grandchildren's gifts. My NM did exactly the same - reduced their Christmas and birthday allowances because they weren't grateful enough. One Christmas she bought me a hat. I never ever wear hats but for months afterwards she naggged and nagged me to wear this hat but I never would. I realised that she didn't care whether I wanted to wear the hat or whether I felt uncomfortable wearing it, she just needed the self gratification for buying it. Why then, do I feel guilty for denying her? I think each one of us is so damaged from living with our NM. Will we ever fully recover?


Carol 4 years ago

to: Onlychild 2 and GoldenChild. I need a 'Like' button. Thanks. :-)


Neyra 4 years ago

Golden Child,

Yes we are recovering. It takes a while though but we need to learn how to recognize these symptoms and how to set boundaries, and not feel guilty but to move on.

I play guitar and I sing like my late father used to do. You know, thinking about all those things that happen with NM and this syndrome she has, I just now realize she never attended any of my performances at the music school when I was 7 years old. My first public performance was at 9. She wasn't there. 6 PM and she couldn't make it. I participated in concerts at 12, at 14, I won awards when I was 16 and my mother was never "able to attend". My grandpa went to see me and my lovely aunt did and she always cried, one time she said she cried because it was "so beautiful and your mom is not here", which I didn't get at the time, the reason she cried.

NM never picked me up from school. She did not watch TV when I was at a quizz show on national TV. She never took me clothes shopping, ever. From time to time, she would go and buy stuff without me that she found suitable, until I started working. She bought me my prom clothes without me and it was blue cotton pants and a yellow T-shirt. When I complained, she said I was terrible and I should wear that or I won't go!

I was trying to be the best in school (and I was) only to please her. I remember once and I was 6, she told me how much she hated my long hair. I went to the bathroom, I took scissors and I cut my hair, almost all of it, so that mom finally likes me. It is funny, at the age of 40 I was still trying to make her like me. I live in US now, I worked my way up in accounting and became a Director of finance for a big firm. I bought a big nice house and I wanted her to come and see it.

My mother yelled before she even saw any pictures of my home: Why the h.ell did you buy such an ugly and big house? Director? You? Director? What kind of director are YOU?

"A director of finance, mom."

"That is ridiculous, you - director ha ha, don't be silly".

Golden Child, you are moving to US, beware she will demand that you call her and see her and only her when she wants it and when she requests it. And when you do, she will hurt you with her piercing words making you feel guilty. This is pure evel and you need to learn how to protect your sanity.

I told my mother I was coming to see the family for 2 weeks during one summer few years ago. We were gonna spend 7 days with her and the other 7 we were going to visit my husband's family in Europe.

She said if that's so, we shouldn't bother coming at all. Either we will spend all of that time with her or she won't see us at all or see us ever again. Notice the words "ever again", "never", "always"... She said she will come to the airport to wave at her grand baby and she does not want to see us ever again!!!

OK, fine, I responded (my shrink advised). We won't see you at all then mother, remember this is your decision. We'll never see you again.

She soften up after that and of course, drama followed.

Anyway, this site really helped me go back to my early life and connect the dots... I can see the whole picture now much better. I understand why half of the family don't speak to me. I understand why my first marriage fell apart because I was treating myself as a doormat. I understand now that it is not my fault that my NM hates me.

What to do next? I have a checklist for myself...

1. No contact. In the interim I will call on Xmas and possibly her birthday. That's it. If that does not go well, I'll take Mark's advice and cut off completely.

2. When I call, I won't share any personal info with her.

3. Donate all the XXLarge used pajamas she sent to me as a gift recently. Size 22 wide is 10 sizes bigger than I will ever need.

4. Stop trying to please everyone around me. It does not matter if they like me or not. Bring joy to others but without constant need for approval

5. Tell my daughter what a wonderful person she is

6. Tell myself that I am happy with who I am, not because of what I achieved, just because I am - me; I am not special, no better or worse that anyone else but I love who I am.

7. Remind myself how grateful I am for this life because how else I would learn about love and peace if I never went through this pain

8. Focus on this moment, let go of the past

9. Enjoy nature, take care of my health better and eat healthy foods

10. Try to meet other happy people and share the joy of life with them. Laugh.

...

Love and peace to you all.


GoldenChild 4 years ago

Good for you Neyra, you sound as though you have your life under control and have learned how to control your interactions with your NM. But compared to you my life has been positively charmed! As a Golden child I was not treated in the same way as you and I can only imagine how that must feel. My heart goes out to you and to all those who suffered in a similar way. Long may your peace continue.


Mark 4 years ago

First of all I realised there is another Mark who has posted on this site. He is 19, I am the old one! I came back to have a look and am pleased to have been some sort of help. Having realised that I am not alone with this problem - I always believed my mother was completely unique- has been a revelation. However I find myself in a sort of state of shock at the moment. That is because, for all that I have ended all contact with NM for several years, I have had to face the reality that there is no hope of things to change. My research for this condition shows that there is no known cause, no known cure and that it gets worse with time. That has certainly been my experience. I would describe my mother as a sadistic narcissist as she seemingly gets pleasure from emotionally hurting people. In reply to the lady who's mother called 911 (999 in England) mine tried to commit suicide with by taking an overdose when my Dad died. I got her to hospital, saved her life and managed to persuade the psychiatrists to let her go back home. However, I never received a word of thanks for saving her life, was issued with a whole list of demands as to what I must do so that she wouldn't do it again and said that if I ever told anyone, she would call me a liar and make sure that no one believed me! I am not trying to upstage anyone, merely telling my own story, the point being that I have no doubt there are peoples' lives that have been far more harrowing than mine. The problem that I have at the moment, as I see it is this: society has an ideal as to what a mother/child relationship should be. Loving, caring, etc. I realise that NMs have no empathy, conscience, are compulsive liars, and are incapable of the 'normal' behaviour. Many times my mother has said she 'doesn't do children'. She has a great grandaughter who she refers to as an ugly little brat! I have lived my life hoping and believing that something would wake her up to reality, but nothing ever has. On the positive side, I am actually very happy, I have a wonderful loving caring and supportive wife and several children and grandchildren who are devoted to me and with whom I have a very loving, close and understanding relationship. I have never had that with my mother and have no happy memories of her. There is another aspect to this however and that is the husbands of NM mothers. My father was equally unique in that he was someone who could never find any bad in anyone. Whenever I confronted him with Nm's behaviour, his answer was always the same; that she didn't mean it really. The only times we ever fell out were over her behaviour. In a way, I feel just as much a victim of his behaviour for not standing up to hers. My parents divorced and my mother remarried, my stepfather being a wonderful, kind man, but again weak, doing anything to 'keep the peace'. I spent years with him on the 'phone, threatening to leave her because of her impossible behaviour, but always ending up the same: having me there, understanding how she really is gave him the strength to carry on. So again, trying to help, maybe looking at our father's behaviour may give an insight. I have found this difficult to research as 'Wonderful Dad' does not seem to be a psychological disorder! I have not suffered the low self esteem mentioned by many here, but to those that have, be strong and walk away. Life is too short to waste time on someone who's pleasure in life will be your low self esteem. As I say, personally I feel like I am going through some sort of bereavement over NM in so far as I realise what has been missing all my life and that what I hoped and believed was never actually there. Thanks to all of you who have posted, I have found it a great help. I did think of writing a book about my mother, but only people reading this might believe it was true. I could start with the 22 house moves in 45 years...............


GoldenChild 4 years ago

Mark, my father is exactly the same. When we were children he was very much the head of the household and his word was always final. Then after he retired he had a stroke and later on diabetes. Our NM has positively revelled in suddenly being the stronger one. She insisted he immediately gave up driving so now my brother and I have to ferry them around. (She never learned to drive) She insists on doing everything for him and then complains to us that he never does anything! It's as though he has given up. She has made him feel useless but he isn't really, just can't be bothered. He spends most of his time in his study on his computer which really annoys her but I think he just wants to be on his own doing something she can't take part in.

A few years ago, NM decided that they had become incompatible sleepers. Single beds? No, NM moved into the spare room! We were all quite shocked but Dad just seemed to accept it. Probably welcomed the peace. Anyhow, the point I'm making is that I thought, like you, that our father is weak because he never stands up to her and has sat back and allowed our family to literally fall apart. Now, I just feel sorry for him because a) he has to live with her and b) he has become a shadow of the man he used to be.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

I have tried to understand why my NM turned out the way she did. More than once, and by several siblings, I was told that she was spoiled as a child because she was the youngest. She became used to having others make her happy, instead of learning to find it within herself.

My father also was indulgent of her, but couldn't take it when my mother drove a wedge between him and his NM mother. You can imagine the fireworks between them, and even in my teens I cautioned my NM to let it go, but she wouldn't.

My father died a long time ago, and then my mother turned her dependent behavior upon me until I was married, and then on my aunt, who she has lived with ever since. My aunt says the same things I've seen in other posts: oh, she doesn't mean it, see what your mother says, let her decide, blah, blah, blah. It's so predictable. My poor aunt is bullied and bossed constantly, but steadfastly supports her sister.

I went through a grieving process when I realized that my mother is an NM, and it takes time to adjust to it. There are still moments of sadness, but the feeling of freedom is much more common. Some of the healing came from knowing that I had a mother in my mother-in-law, my aunt, and many others who love me for me. Also, my sons and I are very close, and I look forward to grandchildren some day.

I read somewhere that it is very good to get your thoughts to paper, Mark, so if you feel compelled to write a book, why not? (I call goals like this part of my "bucket list!:)


anonymous 4 years ago

This was the best article I have read on the subject. Some articles are just ugly and some instances hard to believe at all. But your article has kindness and forgiveness in it, which is pleasant and nurturing. The behaviors are the same of an NM. Also,it seems there are more NM's than I had thought out there. Each case is different, but the result is the same, confusion about the role of a mother and ones self worth. Since their has to be self motivation in an NM actually thinking of anyone but herself, and the crucial roll they have in parenting, there should be a devoted career on how to be a nurturing mother as well as nurturing oneself. This could be done by educating women and hold them accountable for their behavior when a woman first sees her OBGYN. A way that does not compromise the freedom of being a women, but supports and nurtures a woman into being nurturing to her children equally as well as nurturing to herself. Thus producing competant, self confident nurturing children and families as a whole.


rachel 4 years ago

Thank you for posting your experiences. I am the daughter of a Narcissist, and have recently realised that my sister is just like her. I can no longer have a relationship with my sister who I used to get along with famously. As I've got older, my sister's behaviour seems to have got worse, but I also suspect that I have actually grown up and I can see, only too clearly,how self absorbed and ridiculous, not to mention, childish, she is.

She is currently keeping me at arms length and trying to block me visiting the family (I live 200 miles away) because her own boyfriend remarked how nice I looked the last time we were all together, and she has now decided that his comment was inappropriate and he's no longer allowed to speak to me at all.

His comment was made in front of the entire family, was in no way sleazy or salacious, and it was my birthday that day. I believe he was just being sweet and complimentary.

My mum's narcissism has been a gigantic issue for me, and my sis, all of my life. I was emotionally abused, neglected and abandoned. I was told what a pain I was and how I got in the way of my mum having a life.

I left home when I was 16.

What upsets me though, is the fact my sis and I had real commaradery when we were younger, as we were both victims of my mum's various bad moods, tantrums, wrath or embarrassing and inappropriate behaviour. And now, my sis is just like her, and has been for years. I just didn't want to believe it.

It's horribly sad.


eyz wyd open 4 years ago

thanks to all of you for sharing your stories.originally i was going to post about how bad my mom is or was,but i realize she wasn't nearly as bad as alot of the ones here.dont get me wrong she was never loving,caring or warm mom.the difference i see from my situation and most of you,is my dad.he never let her play her little mind games or let her get between me and my brother.another reason she wasnt able to manipulate us is because we are both strong men.even as boys we were always wrestling,fighting and just being wild boys.sure she would fake having some kind of breakdown or serious illness for wich my brother and i would show some concern and compassion,but after being so sick and the phone rings and your near dying mom is talking about one of her friends behind her back,it didnt take long to realize she was just looking for attention.at this point i was about 8 bro was 5,dad bailed for Younger girl and mom just did her own thing.for the most part we grew up on the streets.no supervision,no guidance,cerfew.basically we

were abandoned.

fast foward to adulthood.i get married to a narcissistic woman i realize i have narciss. traits.marriage fails(ofcourse)i have one bad relationship after another.finally i realize i need to figure out why i have a wall around me and why i cant give my love freely.

fast foward to the present.like alot of other posters here im in my early 40's,wich i feel is abouy the time you can finally let some of horrible childhood memories resurface.so i decided to write mom anote asking ber why she let my father give me weed at 10yrs why she left a 9 & 6 yr old to fend for themselves,why she never took us on vacation,no new clothes.why when the police accused me of starting fire in the school she swore for years i did it.saying she saw the shorts and shirt they described rolled up in the closet.

theres alot more but you get yhe idea.ofcourse she denied almost everything,even saying bro & i were incorrigible.lol

anyways just wanted to give youall a different perspective.life is a journey.and even though you suffered as a child doesn't mean you can't be happy as an adult.like they say the best revenge is to be happy.

cheers


lisabelle74 4 years ago

Hello everyone, i can sympathize with all of your situtations -- i too have a NM. In my case when there's a 'debate' going on my NM likes to cry in front of me, my son (6 years old) and her husband. Right away i get fed up with her emotional blackmail and poor-me-syndrome. I pick up my son and leave....a few days later her husband will be phoning me and giving me the usual 'song and dance' -- "Aww Lisa, you should dismiss what your mom said and forget it...she's extremely sad and always crying..." -- this right there, her display of crying out for attention is extremely disturbing for me. I end up hanging out with them once in a while...i don't see them all the time but i see them around the holidays, and speaking of which this i dread so much -- comes Christmas and she always claims,"why should you go to your dad's for Christmas? He's not even a good host. Remember the times he used to be cold to you and your brother and you'd come home crying on my shoulder?".

I have this extreme fear, especially since i'm a single mom and the dad is completely absent from the picture -- i'm so terrified at the thought, "what will happen to my son if something happens to me...and my family has to take care of him?". I dread at the thought of my mom raising my son...he's a special needs child and it's sad that i've not one relative i can rely on. I don't hate my brother, nor argue with him, but he has a temper, and my dad is going senile...:'(


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Hi, Lisabelle74.

I had the same issue of concern with my sons. I was fortunate to have a great sister-in-law who agreed to be guardian if anything happened. If it had not been her, it would have been my closest lifelong friend, as there was no one else.

Perhaps there is someone that you trust, even if it's not a family member. At the very least, maybe you could consider your brother, if he were to agree to learning more about how to care for your son. You may find that he could learn to have more patience. That way, you would have peace of mind.

I never let my NM know that she wasn't the guardian for my sons. I let her believe what she wanted, but knew that if something happened, my sons would be cared for by someone who was like me.


Cathy 4 years ago

Hi, I wanted to say thank you for helping those on here. It does seem to me that people such as us have to have it pointed out to us what we are dealing with, and after having had to live with it for years. I am 40 now, and in 2008 I innocently sat down to watch an interesting doco about a french guy who pretended to be a doctor for years, then ended up killing his whole family. Apparently he had been paid too much attention by his mother. They just happened to mention in that that people who are paid too much attention growing up, or those paid too little attention (ie. my mother), can become narcissists. It was like a light went on in my head. It is no coincidence that I got rid of her out of my life less than a year later. I never looked back. My only sister died from her asthma in 1994. She was complacent over her illness, because my mother did basically nothing for her, and passed her complacency onto her. The last straw for me was when, in 2009, she forgot my sister's birthday. She would have been 40. TWO DAYS later, mother rings me to basically try and get me to take the blame for not having reminded her. So I was done after that. Who knows why these people have children if they are unable to love them the way they deserve, but I sent my mother a letter to cut her off. She harassed me for a year, involving the police (saying I was missing), my father (who I also don't see), and my cousin. By the way, she turned family against me behind my back for years. Had to work that one out for myself. So my father sent me a letter, I sent one back explaining just how things had been with her (he didn't believe me of course, because she was manipulating him too), and saying things like "I genuinely believe these days that the only reason I was born at all was because mother wanted someone to look after her in her old age". She is 76 now. So my father sent me an abusive letter back (being the great parent he is also). I ignored it. The last I heard from mother was xmas day 2010 she left a message on my phone, presumably so she could tell whoever she was having xmas with what a terrible daughter I am, that I won't even speak to her at xmas. So I changed my mobile number in February 2011, and have heard blissfully nothing ever since. I take my hat off to anyone here who is still dealing with their narcissistic mother or parent. For me, it was one of the best things I ever did getting rid of her from my life. I am hoping the family has found out by now how she was manipulating them into thinking I was the bad guy. I did tell her in 2009 about the doco I saw, and how it told me she's a narcissist. I don't know if it was news to her or not, though of course she acted as though she didn't know what I was talking about. But Good Luck to all of you on here, and to anyone out there who hasn't yet worked out what they're dealing with. I hope this helps somebody, as I was helped a few years ago. xx


stella 4 years ago

After reading this, I think I might be a narcissistic mother. What can I do about this? I have been picking on my daughter, feeling for guilty for every mistake, while taking credit for all of her accomplishments. Thanks to you I will do more research and try to become a better mom.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

My NM would never admit that there is something wrong with anything she does or says. I can't trust her, and have to be on guard with every phone call or visit.

The fact that you see that you could have some work to do to love your daughter unconditionally is very courageous. You seem to be on your way to becoming a better mom. Thanks for seeing things from the other side.


Dianne 4 years ago

Stella, if you really were an NM you couldn't even consider the possibility that you were doing something wrong. Just let you daughter know you're sorry & keep talking with her. You are not an NM.


GoldenChild 4 years ago

Stella, you've already taken the first step by acknowledging that you may be a NM. I think that most of us would be really glad if our moms had done that. If they had, our lives may have turned out very differently. I don't know how you fix it but I would think that you will need to be very self aware of what you do and say to your daughter. Have you talked to her about it? I think that dealing with it openly and honestly will help both of you. I didn't even realise what was wrong with my mom until my late 40's by which time our family was so damaged there was not much hope of fixing it. Also, when a daughter becomes a mother, her primary role model is her own mother and I have sleepless nights worrying just how much of my mother's behaviours I emulated when raising my own children! Now they are both adults I've asked them both to please tell me if I become like my mom. It sounds as though your daughter is still quite young so you have a good chance to have a loving relationship. I don't know what led you to this site but clearly you are self aware and care very much about your daughter. In itself, that is very positive. I wish you both the very best for the future


kelj 4 years ago

I am still recovering; this has affected me more than I thought it would. I don't have much confidence due to the NM thing and my other siblings seem to be enacting similar behavior to the NM and I always seem to be secondary in my family's books. I am constantly worrying that people see me as weird; me and my partner don't get invited to all the wedding things now, dates that would involve our whole family, friends of family etc. We just get over looked like we are not important at all. I get so sad that they don't accept me for me, but the truth of it is, they never will.


GoldenChild 4 years ago

Kelj, my heart goes out to you. My sister and her family are treated in exactly the same way and have been for years now. I find it hard, even now after all this time, to believe that a mother can treat her own family in such a cold hearted manner. My attempts to change things have been met with stony resistance. My sister, having tried for many years, to gain acceptance back into the family, has now given up and no longer contacts any of us, as this is the only way she can cope with the hurt and rejection.

Only you can decide how to deal with it, but the most important thing to remember is that it is not your fault and you need to do the best thing for you, even if that means severing contact with your family. It is highly unlikely that the situation will ever improve, indeed my NM, seems to get worse as she gets older. Not content with destroying her own family, she has now started trying to come between my daughter and I, probably because she can't get at my sister anymore and she needs another scapegoat. Listen hard to your own feeings and act accordingly. Take strength from knowing you are not alone.


Delilah Martin 4 years ago

Really thought I could find some assistance out of this forum. I'm just trying to share my story and maybe get some tips on finding support. I really hope every1 who got their comments approved is able to find some sort of peace of mind in life. It seems at least that we all have that in common when it comes to this topic. Have a great day all.


Freed Scapegoat 4 years ago

Early on in therapy (1992), my therapist informed me that my mother had two and maybe more personality disorders. He presented me with excerpts from the DSM IV. After I read the symptoms and a story about those symptoms, I knew it was true, my mother had Narcissist Personality Disorder [NPD] and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder [OCPD](not to be confused with OCD). I have since learned that my mother was a malignant narcissist because she was violent at times.

Last year, I discovered this great site for daughters of narcissistic mothers.

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

It is there that I have gleaned the most information on my mother's narcissism. There's a forum with incredibly supportive women. I think guys are welcomed there too even though the focus is for daughters of NMs. I'm not affiliated with this website. I just love the site and what I've learned. The forum started in 2009.

What helped me the most? Getting away from my disordered family. I left physically 26 years ago. In 1988, I started a "no contact" way of life for 10 years. After that, I chose limited contact. I do not initiate contact.

Thankfully my NM died in 2010 and so did most of the spotty contact initiated by my siblings. All of my family members have disorders of some type. My oldest sibling who became just like our mother, a narcissist.

My step-dad has OCPD (as my mother did).

My father has Antisocial Personality Disorder and of course NPD.


Freed one 4 years ago

I call myself freed one because I have freed myself from a couple abusive relationships the latest being my NM. I learned about my mother's issues about 1 year ago and got into therapy right away.

I have gone with the no contact due to my mother's "bad" behavior. Each time she chose to behave in a questionable manner we would set a boundary that she would cross. We would set a new boundary, but the behavior would get worse. I did not want to go with no-contact because my sons were getting married one in May and one in June.

We struggled through many family events last year. Each event had its own drama. She would act out, confront, bad mouth and always be the first one there and last to leave.

It was finally time for the first wedding and I was nervous because we had dealt with such strange behavior from her. Well, she was in rare form at this event too. My aunt has been very supportive of my sisiter and me, so of course my mother had to let my aunt know of her disappointment. As my aunt came to greet me, my mother started mocking the two of us in front of our guests. I couldn't believe she would stoop this low, but unfortunately she did. The rest of the night she spent going to each table expressing how she was not wanted there, and how she barely got into the wedding photos with her grandson.

These stunts and many others were enough for me to finally set a boundary of NO CONTACT. My sister is standing with me on this and it has given us much peace. Unfortunately for my mother, she missed the 2nd grandson's wedding. We are going on 1 year with this boundary and it was very necessary.

There's much more to my story, but my goal was to help anyone struggling with the decision to have no contact. It was a very difficult decision for me, but the right one.


Laine 4 years ago

To all who submit this God awful behavior from family, ditto, I had a n mother..no contact 25 yrs. My answer is why they do this? Jealousy and insecurity period. These people were not taught love or shown it..let them go as they WILL destroy you. Take care of yourself first..always!


Neyra 4 years ago

I was away from this site for a few weeks and I am back to read more comments. You guys are so helpful. It's a relief to know that life can be better and it is. Last time I talked to my NM on the phone was for Easter and I involved my husband on our "conference call". She likes him, even though when she talks to me she asks me "if I'm happy at all" - and I say "yes of course" - and she says "NO, no chance, now tell me the truth. You are probably miserable and have many problems with him, you just don't want to admit it." "No, mom I am happy". "I know you are NOT but never mind".

Seriously, what kind of mother could say that LOL.

Anyway, after our "conference call" that was short and sweet, an email arrived from my brother. NM asked my brother to take photos of her face: close, closer, even closer and one close up photo of a pocket on her polo shirt. ..And to send those 7 photos to my hubby. NM was wearing a polo shirt with my husband's company logo on it and she wanted specifically for him to see her in it: she apparently loves his workplace. "Mom sent these pictures and asked if John can see them, they are made especially for him to see", wrote my brother (GRIN)

My husband saw one of the pics, and rolled his eyes but did not comment. It took me a minute to realize NM is trying to impress my husband or what? She lives hundreds of miles away and has no access to email nor she speaks my husband's language. Last time we talked (now it makes sense), she asked when is he going to learn German so they can talk.

How about never?

Thank you "eyz wyd open" for a very smart comment.


Jenn 4 years ago

Ive been researching NPD quite aggressively lately as I am positive that my husbands ex suffers from this. It is my step daughter I am concerned about. Since you have all suffered as a child of a NM, I'm hoping someone may have some insight. My step daughter is 9 and has only recently started to behave in a way that concerns us. She spends 40% of her time with us and the majority with her mother who is her primary caregiver. Lately she gets upset and says she wants her mom or would prefer to be with her mom on the days she is scheduled to be with us. She pretends to be sick at school and calls her mom in hopes that she will pick her up. She often does this on days she is supposed to be with us and has a complete meltdown/tantrum when my husband ( her Dad) is the one who comes to get her. I'm just curious if anyone can relate to this in their childhood? Why does she feel she needs to be with the NM parent? We've tried talking to her about her feelings and why she is sometimes so distraught to be away from her mom but she can't explain to us why. Several times when my step daughter has tried the playing sick stunt her NM tells her that she will talk to my husband about letting her stay with her instead, however never suggests or relays this to him. I'm assuming it's part of her plan to upset my step daughter and make her dad look like the bad guy. What can we do to counteract her mothers influences?


Only Child 2 4 years ago

As a child of an NM, I can certainly relate to the NM grooming the children to be connected to her. When my NM and father split when I was 19, my mother concocted many stories to enlist me in her support, to the extent that I was not to contact my father and she did not allow him to give me away at my wedding.

Feeling something was not right, I reconnected with my father for several years without my mother's knowledge, and made peace with him before his death.

What I am getting at is that the NM can manipulate the child into thinking that she (the NM) is the end all to be all. You think that she has your best interest, but it is HER best interest that she is plotting.

I would suggest a family therapist for you and your husband and stepdaughter. These feelings are very confusing and hard to identify, and this child deserves the tools to be her own person, instead of a pawn to her NM's liking.

You need someone who has experience in with Personality disorders. The NM will never change, but those around her can learn to set boundaries and hold to them.


Old Mark 4 years ago

Back again. Here's a new angle: NM has just had a stroke and is in hospital. It's pretty serious and I doubt that she will pull through. The 'problem' is that, after that I have gone through with her in the past, I feel absolutely nothing for her. I have not been to see her, nor do I want to. The confusing thing is that I don't feel anything. I think I should feel something, even it is negative, or angry, or compassion, - something, but I don't. I'll let you know how things progress. I haven't had contact with NM for a few years by the way.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

When we were children and adults, the NMs sucked us dry by high maintenance and cruel words and treatment. It is exhausting to be around them or even the remembrance of them.

I could be wrong, but for some of us, when we realize that our mothers are NMs, we go through a grieving process to deal with the loss of the mother we never had. It may explain your feelings, or lack thereof. For me, it is what is helping me keep boundaries that I can live with until my NM is gone.

She was never at peace on earth, so maybe she can be at peace once she passes.


Old Mark 4 years ago

Thanks for that. I went through the 'grieving' process a while back, so it's not that. This is different and something I've never felt before, or rather not felt. The 'sucked dry' seems to make some sort of sense, insofar as it explains there being nothing left. I decided to cut her out of my life a few years ago and I think that I have clearly done that very successfully to such an extent that there is no relationship left. It's as if, because she has never empathised with me, having decided to cut her out of my life, I can no longer empathise with her. And yet I would say I am a very emotional and empathetic person. I am quite happy with my situation, it is just rather odd to feel nothing at all towards her.


Neyra 4 years ago

Old Mark, I am sorry for what you're going through.

"Feeling nothing" is not simple, I believe you still care about the distortion in this relationship otherwise you would not have a desire to talk about it. You care, not about your NM as a person but it seems to me that you feel emptiness, which is not "nothing". For me, emptiness rather feels like a lack of something crucial, like a big black hole in our hearts and we trained ourselves to be OK with that. People can live without water for a while. People can also live without sunshine for six months or so. It is OK. Not great, but we are OK.

I just called my NM to wish her Happy Mother's Day. What a mistake. I started my call by singing a song and saying something nice, using the words "loving", "caring", "many more", "for you". Her voice was cold and low, not even angry, just a low pitch and monotone, cold nazi voice. HOw are you mom? "TERRIBLE". She then chewed me out because I did not call her it's been a couple of weeks and she added slowly: "I was definitely not like you. I called my mother more often, probably because I was an idiot or something". At that point our conversation turned into silence and I did not have anything else to say.

Then she asked: "What is the weather like over there? It is getting hot over here and very windy. I do some gardening but not much..."

I was silent. I had a big chunk of pain in my throat and I spoke very little. We said bye and her cold voice stayed that way till the end of the conversation. Her lack of empathy, lack of understanding, lack of love, lack of anything nice... are not surprising any more. This can't hurt me any more, right?

It's nothing new. But it does hurt. It is painful that every good and warm intention on my part gets brushed off and frozen by her harsh and icy words.

If this was a friend or anyone else, it would be so much easier to draw a line. But it is my "mother".

I am not sure if I will call her again soon.

...

I sent flowers to my husband's mother who is always so nice to both of us. She sends me cards with hearts and loving messages. What a nice lady. I love her son very much and I love her for raising him this way. The lack of something nice gets replaced by something else maybe more valuable. Someone you don't even know very well, someone who does not have to love you still does, because of you and because they are kind and caring people. The world is in some sort of balance, we just need to see it.

I wish you all a good day today.

N.


Old Mark 4 years ago

Thanks for that. My motives for putting how I feel out there are simply to help other people, because reading all of other people's experience has given me a greater understanding of the problem. I, like so many of us, thought that our mother was unique. I really do feel nothing. I know what a feeling of emptiness is, but this is something different. I really do not feel anything at all. Odd, but it is not causing me a problem. Thanks again for your thoughts.


Jasmine 4 years ago

This is a wonderful article! I learned so much! I had no idea that my mother was narcissistic! I'm only 16 and have so much resentment towards my mother! She's always somewhat subtly made me feel like a stupid, worthless, and cold-hearted child, but I always knew that those words were probably just her own repressed feelings she associated with herself. I got into an argument with her today which led me to Google "my mom's never wrong and I am worthless, stupid, and evil" and found this! She clearly demonstrates 14 of the 16 traits you stated regarding narcissistic people. Not bad, huh? I usually feel like it's her goal to make sure I'm as miserable as possible, but then criticize me for being miserable.


Neyra 4 years ago

I understand Old Mark. Thank you for your input as well. It helps me re-evaluate my thoughts about it.


laurie2000 4 years ago

This was very helpful thank you though unfortunate my mother is not only Narcissistic but also psychotic (which is a well known syndrome of psychopath) and unfortunately my brothers followed in her foot steps. I made that awful mistake to see if this kind of creatures can change though the truth is they don't though it took me 42 yr to come to this realization and all it was cause more destruction to my family today and not your children away from these crazies so and from yourselves too. No matter how difficult ,break all ties, at all cost ,it took 42 yrs but God finally gave me that gift give yourselves that gift too. My sadness is psychopathic mother and brothers with a paranoid schizophrenic father honest to God you can't make this s......up!!!!

Signs of a Psychopath to: Hope this is helpful to someone

Psychopaths are often voluble and verbally facile. They can be amusing and entertaining conversationalists, ready with a clever comeback, and are able to tell unlikely but convincing stories that cast themselves in a good light.

Egocentric and Grandiose

Psychopaths have a narcissistic and grossly inflated view of their own self-worth and importance, a truly astounding egocentricity and sense of entitlement, and see themselves as the centre of the universe, justified in living according to their own rules.

Lack of Remorse or Guilt

Psychopaths show a stunning lack of concern for the effects their actions have on others, no matter how devastating these might be. They may appear completely forthright about the matter, calmly stating that they have no sense of guilt, are not sorry for the ensuing pain, and that there is no reason now to be concerned.

Lack of Empathy

Many of the characteristics displayed by psychopaths are closely associated with a profound lack of empathy and inability to construct a mental and emotional "facsimile" of another person. They seem completely unable to "get into the skin" of others, except in a purely intellectual sense.

Shallow Emotions

Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. At times they appear to be cold and unemotional while nevertheless being prone to dramatic, shallow, and short-lived displays of feeling. Careful observers are left with the impression they are playacting and little is going on below the surface.

Poor Behavior Controls

Besides being impulsive, psychopaths are highly reactive to perceived insults or slights. Most of us have powerful inhibitory controls over our behaviour; even if we would like to respond aggressively we are usually able to "keep the lid on." In psychopaths, these inhibitory controls are weak, and the slightest provocation is sufficient to overcome them. But, their actions have a “cold” and focused quality about them, and return to “normal” is quick.

A Need for Excitement

Psychopaths have an ongoing and excessive need for excitement—they long to live in the fast lane or "on the edge," where the action is. In many cases the action involves the breaking of rules.

Lack of Responsibility

Obligations and commitments mean nothing to psychopaths. Their good intentions—"I'll never cheat on you again"—are promises written on the wind. Their performance on the job is erratic, with frequent absences, misuse of company resources, violations of company policy, and general untrustworthiness. They do not honour formal or implied commitments to people, organizations, or principles.

Early Behaviour Problems

Most psychopaths begin to exhibit serious behavioural problems at an early age. These might include persistent lying, cheating, theft, arson, truancy, substance abuse, vandalism, and/or precocious sexuality. Because many children exhibit some of these behaviours at one time or another, it is important to emphasize that the psychopath's history of such behaviours is more extensive and serious than most.

Adult Antisocial Behaviour

Psychopaths see the rules and expectations of society as inconvenient and unreasonable impediments to their own behavioural expression. They make their own rules. Antisocial behaviour may consist of phoney stock promotions, questionable business practices, partner or child abuse, and so forth. Others do things that are not necessarily illegal but are nevertheless unethical, immoral, or harmful to others: cheating on a partner, emotional abuse, bullying, to name but a few.


Rearview Window 4 years ago

I know my mother is a NM.

I always knew something was wrong with her, because she wasn't normal. I thought at first it was my parent's divorce, but she just refused to get over it and would cry for days on end, making my life a misery.

I could not wait to leave, she was always trying to sabotage my happiness, as how can anyone be happy if she is miserable... forever and ever...

She had no intention of getting better but instead wallowing in her self pity as its easier to stay the centre of attention that way.

I am embarrassed but not ashamed to say, there were times when i would just cry at high school because i was so tired of the constant putdowns, plain evilness or abuse. Afraid all the time, that she would switch and today i will be attacked, smacked, told to leave, accused of being like my father, who left us with this terrible person.

I have tried with her recently but can honestly say that I am done. I am getting married, and she has attempted flirting with my fiance, which is totally gross. My sisters are living in an emotional hell hole and oscillate between hating me or wanting my help.

I'm sorry, I'm not the in case of emotional emergency person that can be discarded whenever the drama they crave has arrived and given them a full frontal.

Yes, now my extended family hate me.

I used to be the person they fell sorry for, and now I am a fully grown person who doenst need sympathy, I am a terrible ungrateful person that leaves others in the lurch. No, they just think I am the same person who was dominated her whole life and needs their crumbs of affection.

No, I'm an equal now, my NM is the problem.

How dare i think i am an equal, Im like the stepchild or something, behave myself.

I deserve to be loved and cherished, I have gone where the love is. And its away from NM

Now i just tell people she is dead, i'm sad i don't have a mother, but oh my gosh, i will never have her love, so i intend to never have contact again!

I'm free and I will never introduce her to my children...

She will merely discard them when her mood suits, and why would I put my flesh and blood through that.

Sorry Mom, sorry you missed out on the amazing person I am. You missed my greatest moments, my achievements, my laugh my smile.

I don't miss you crying or the physical abuse.

I don't miss your lies, I'm sorry you would never let me even have my sisters because you're so selfish. I'm sorry you're getting old and you wont get to meet my kids, but most of all I am sorry, so sorry that i still waste my time thinking about you.

Goodbye NM, I think i am giving you a funeral of my own!


Vladi 4 years ago

Hello everybody,

To those who remember my story, I reconnected to my late father's side of the family (who have always been banned in front of mine and my siblings's eyes as an inheritance of the hatred from my NM towards all of them, since I can remember, even when my dad was alive we didn't lie them because "they were mean to my mom" and they were "just cheap/ugly looking people").

I can't thank enough "life" for letting me go out of my NM's orbit (almost 1 year ago, no contact, thanks heavens).

My husband (very supportive) has been telling me lately that I might be a bit obsessed with the topic and the past, but I know he says this because he was lucky enough to have 2 parents who loved him for what he was.

Recently, I finally met them in person (my dad's brothers, their children who are now in their 30's as me, and even the grandchildren). After almost 22yrs we met in person again, first time I saw them for what they are, at least with my own eyes, without my NM's hatred and arrogance.

They were so sweet with my child and I. For me, it was something quite new -and at times overwhelming- to feel loved and quite respected just for being me. They even told that despite my siblings don't want to know about them, they love us very much and will always do. I mean, they even know my children and my siblings' children don't have our father's last name because of this hatred, and still my dad's brothers told me "hey, don't worry, what is in the blood can't be changed by a last name; we are family, so don't worry about that".

Today I talked on the phone to my sister, and she just said she was relieved they were not rude to me, because that was my siblings' fear since they're such "low class people"(!!!!).

I finally connected the last dots on the story -from my perspective/own experience with NM and from what finally my uncles told me- and it is so clear now that because they know my NM's true colours (and how she was with my father, who at the end, just months before dying, wanted to divorce), she not only wanted to get rid of them because of her "superiority" but also she must have thought they were like her so they would tell us all they knew. Of course, she doesn't have any idea about true love, respect, empathy for other people.

If they told me their side of the story it was only because I asked. I told them I needed to know, and to please don't worry about hurting me with it.

Of course, I love my siblings, but it irritates me more and more their disdain not only towards my dad's family but also towards my decision of having a relationship with them. Even my sister rejected to see or receive any of the pictures I brought of our father because she's so busy with her things at home.

Since my NM proposed me not to see me again (for which I cannot thank her enough), my relationship with my siblings is more like a superficial one. I don't trust them to talk to them openly about important things in life), and I don't think they trust me either. They see me as the weird one and who has "issues" (so my sister has told me in many occasions), and I see them as branches of my mother, with no possibility of ever contradicting her in these topics that are now very important for me.

I can only imagine the day my NM dies.... Ohhh, what a dram will be if my siblings don't see any emotions coming from me, but today I know I wouldn't like to be at her funeral, what for? I wish her good life, but really don't want to see her ever ever again.


Daniel 4 years ago

I was a scapegoat. It drove me to live out of state 5 times after coming home not feeling welcome. I became suscessful in the petrocemical Industry untill I was railroaded out of my profession with no help I became a drug addict and living on the streets While My mom was paying my brothers house payment. Going on crusis and lives in a 3 acre ranch her and my Angle sister bought together with a condition my mother agreed to that I would never be able to stay there. I would have to beg to get her to pay 150 for a weeks stay in a sober living home at times when I had no car to sleep in. I have a siesure disorder also. I am being screed out my inheratence dads hard work because the property and two homes are in my sisters name. My mom watched as my brother in law TRYed to bet me up and my lyed to the police who told me to stay away. My helpfull broth droped me off at Mc Donalds to sleep insted of taking me to his house.still thinking he was helping. I am 5 years sober. I know it wasnt my fault. These people are crazy and will never change. I 'm am greatful for the experiance. I have learned alot about myself and wouldn't give it up for the world. It makes life even better today. Like the guy in jail told me. When it's bad its really bad but, when it's good it's REALLY good.


hellokitty 4 years ago

WOW!!! I know guys like that. These guys think they are mr. GQ and my goodness have they put me threw hell. I somewhat disagree with you about the flirting part. If you are single mom you can flirt but just by looking at men and not thinking you are miss it. I know some moms that go over board with there looks. My mom was like that geshhhhhh, I hated her boyfriends and her ex husbands so did my brother's, we thought they were shallow men. My mom was nice and very pretty but she went over board with her boyfriends and husbands. she was to much for us kids. I am glad I turned out differant then her and I am her only daughter, thank god for that. How my mom behaved with me and my brother's, well let's just say that I turned it around and didn't do what she did. I have never flaunted a man that I dated in front of my kids. My kids have never seen or have met any man that I have gotten to know like she did.

It has been a hard life for me with lots of struggles, and stupid men in my life that have taken advantage of me with mental abuse. These men because of their stupidty and holding a high position have cost me to become even more stressed out and financialy as well. That is called a Narcisst. I don't think I am all that and I don't think I am better then anyone else. I am just a single ok looking mom trying to get better health wise. Men that play stupid games with me by approching me and behaving like an ideot, well they have issues. That is why I don't take them serious. A real man will always approch a women with dignity and will introduce himself in a gentalman way. Frankly some men are just plain ideots. Bottom line!!!!!


justthethird 4 years ago

This post, and just as importantly, the comments, have been very enlightening. I have known my mother was narcissistic since my 30's when someone introduced me to the term as I was describing her. I'm now 40, and she is a very ill 72 year-old due to chronic illness. I'm currently staying with her (I live 4 hours away) for several days to understand how her health really is, and to help her out a little bit.

I was the scapegoat, my brother and sister (twins) were both the golden children. I was the third, unplanned, child. My sister died of leukemia when I was only 10, and all of my life I have lived in the shadow of my dead (better) sister, and my brother. As I listen to my mother these days, I can't help but pity her. She has nothing good to say. She's constantly asking why she's still alive. Everything I try to say that's positive, she immediately undercuts. She is a very sad person.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here. I think my mother's narcissistic and abusive tendencies were magnified by my sister's death, and by her divorce from my father. The other night, I have to confess, I looked through her yearly day calendar (her "journals") from the year that she kicked me out of the house in 1987. She called me up one day after snooping through my things and told me not to come home from work. I was 15. My dad had to pick me up because she told me I was unwelcome in her house.

I looked up that date and the day after in her calendar/journal. There's no entry for the day she called me and told me not to come home. The next day she wrote, "Sam (my dad) and (me) came to pick up her things. I am devastated. Dear God I tried SO hard to be a good mother to her!"

Not a single mention of the fact that she kicked me out. I was so sickened by that. She's always "gaslighted" me and told me I WANTED to move out and that she never wanted to leave. I've had to ask my father and my godmother if I was crazy, remembering her throwing a suitcase at me before I moved out, and her call telling me never to come back to her home again. They all tell me I remember it correctly.

It finally struck me, she keeps these "journals" out on her desk right next to where I work when I'm here because she WANTS me to read these. These journals were never written for HER. They were written to present HER version of events as her sympathetic story after she dies. She only writes stuff imagining us reading it later and feeling sorry for her.

So yeah, I was wrong to read her journal entry for that day, but it makes me feel better to know that there will be no "answers" in this house, or in her journals, after she dies. I have always wanted to rush here and tear into her journals after she passes so I can find the answers to why she abused me the way she did. I now know that I'll just find NM's carefully crafted sympathy logs, designed to make us miss her in death.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. I don't know why. Thanks for posting your comments, everyone. Sorry mine was so long and not productive. Perhaps one day I can post more, but I will keep reading.


justthethird 4 years ago

lulu1977 wrote, " Once I made a school project in 2nd grade and the teacher told us to set it by the door and knock and then hide for it to be a surprise. So I put it down by the door and knocked, hid on the steps and watched as she opened the door, "What the HELL is this??"

BOY does this ring true to me! When I was in the first grade, we made "love coupons" for Mother's Day. The teacher told us what to write on the coupons, or asked us to think of things. I made a pouch of all these hand drawn coupons. I was excited to give them to my mother on Mother's Day. Her response? "Well, if you loved me you'd do these things without having to be asked. Why do I need a coupon for you to show me you love me?"

No wonder I need therapy.


Old Mark 4 years ago

To justthethird

I think your posting was very productive as far as I am concerned, because it highlights the incredibly manipulative behaviour, but more importantly, the way that NMs create this fantasy land for themselves. To me it gives an insight in to a side of this behaviour which is the secondary abuse of pretending the primary abuse did not happen and (in my NM's case) the extraordinary lengths she went to to 'cover things up' So thanks for posting your feelings, I think that it is by reading about other people's experiences we are able to make more sense of our own.


GoldenChild 4 years ago

Last night I spoke to my NM for the first time in about 3 weeks. Since we last spoke, she has argued with my daughter and told her that it is her issues with me that are to blame for her bad behaviour. She told my brother that her behaviour is our father's fault because she is depressed because he won't move house. She had previously told me that she had an appointment to see someone to help her on the 3rd of May but told no-one else not even my brother.

I waited for her to tell me the outcome of her appointment, I waited for her to discuss with me the "issues" which she has with me. I waited for her to tell me that she felt bad about her argument with my daughter. Instead she made small talk about the weather, about the antique tv shows that we both enjoy and hers and Dad's various medical issues. She asked after my husband and my son and daughter. I responded to her with minimal answers, I didn't want to share the daily goings on in my life with her. I wanted her honesty and some emotions but she gave nothing and in return I gave nothing. I feel like an empty shell. I am ashamed that I did not have the courage to confront her and demand some answers. What is wrong with me?


Sean1 4 years ago

Incledibly acurate. I now see what my daughter is going through in the battle withher mother.

Thankyou


Only Child 2 4 years ago

There is really no confronting or getting through to an NM. There is nothing wrong with us, but something very wrong with our NMs.

I live a life outside of my dealings with her, and keep my thoughts and feelings about most things from her. I'm glad that she can't penetrate my life other than what I allow. It seems like poetic justice after what she put me through before I realized what was going on.

Maybe the emptiness that many of us feel is that hole in our hearts where we should have had a mother's love and support. I try to fill it with people who love and appreciate me for who I am. It helps, but there is no filling it in completely.


Smallz 4 years ago

Im about to leave home for good in about 2 weeks. I'll never speak to my NM again. It's for the best. She physically and mentally abused me as a child and denies to this day. I can't say I'll miss her because she was never in my life to begin with(ignoring mother.) I'm so lucky to have a father, step mom, aunt and uncle who support me. I hope all of you can find people in your lives who will be a positive support system.

I always choose to look at the glass half full. I wish you all the best and lots of love! Thank you for sharing your stories.


justthethird 4 years ago

Thanks to reading these comments while I was in CrazyLand with my NM, I was able to emerge from 5 days of losing my identity so I could be her daughter unscathed. In fact, as I left yesterday, NM said she couldn't remember when we've ever got along so well and she's had so much fun.

How did I pull that off? I reminded myself constantly that to her I was nothing more than a mirror. When she shut down anything I said that wasn't about her, I didn't argue. I figured for 5 days I could let this pathetic woman believe she was the only one of us who was important.

When she tried to pick fights with me, or exert control over me in the few ways she has left, I didn't rise to the bait.

Now that I'm independent, married, happy and healthy on my own, she only controls one aspect of my life - stuff of hers that might be meaningful to me someday. I used to love her photo albums. I'd rush to look through them every time I visited, so naturally she told me she willed them to my brother. So on this visit, I didn't even pick them up or show interest in them.

She told me that my favorite piece of furniture, that she had always promised me, was going to my brother this weekend. I said, "That's nice." She told me the diamond ring she's been promising me since I was 5 was going to her friend because, "You don't wear jewelry." (Even as I wore 2 rings on my fingers.) I said, "Well, that's good. I've got my engagement ring anyway."

She told me she had a box of stuff for me to take home. While she was sleeping I looked through it and found it was all the nice letters I've written to her, my wedding invitation, stuff that I'd have thought she would want to keep. It hurt me tremendously that she wanted me to take it off her hands because, "It's junk I don't want around my house. You take it."

I quickly threw it all in a bag and shoved it into the trunk of my car. She came in later and said, "Let's go through that box of junk I wanted you to take home." And I said, "Oh that? I didn't have time to look at it, too busy today, I just threw it in my car. I'll trash it when I get home."

All these little mines she laid to get me upset, and I sidestepped them all like a pro. I'm glad I did. The irony for me is that she seemed to love that we had a nice visit. Why would she lay mines that (in the past) have caused us to fight and me to be upset, but then express happiness when I dodged them all? There's just no figuring out this crazy woman. I too will be glad when she and her drama are out of my life for good.


Smallz 4 years ago

^^ she's just being passive aggressive which is common with NM's. It's hard to understand crazy so I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds like you are on the right track.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

I read somewhere that some NMs are fascinated by pictures, and surround themselves with them as if they have a full life. That is so true of my NM, and whenever I give her pictures of my pets and our family, she has them proudly displayed all over her place. The same people she judges, condemns, and finds things wrong with.

Recently she asked me for a picture of my niece, who she hasn't seen in years. I happened to have an extra, so I gave it to her. She put it on the mirror on her bedroom dresser. So odd. It is hard to understand crazy, even though we are living or have lived through it.


KambingLibre 4 years ago

Hello All

I thank you all for your words of wisdom.

I found out my mother was N nearly a year ago. I had given up my life to look after her after she was given 2 months to live (cancer). In the end she lived for 7 months which were the most painful yet revelatory months of my life. If I had not had the breakdown, I would probably not have sought help - learning about NPD was like being given a map and and half of an instruction manual on how to fix yourself.

My love-life has always been imbalanced as I am a people-pleaser, desperate for approval. I ended up marrying a man with many N characteristics. I lived with his anger, disapproval, verbal abuse and bullying – I thought he loved me. It seemed normal to be viewed as a useless disappointment unless you are doing exactly what the other person wants. Our marriage broke down at the beginning of last year. On a holiday with friends he told me he didn’t love me anymore and then refused to discuss it. I was a wreck.

When I got back from holiday we found out NM had ‘two months at most’. When she got the diagnosis, I swear she was almost triumphant – now we would never be able to say no to her.

I gave up my job, shelved my marital problems and went to live at her house without a second thought – I was very well conditioned to take care of her (even though she has a partner, it was still expected that there should be two of us to meet her every need even though she was mobile and sentient).

After a couple of weeks I felt that I was circling the drain. Nothing I could do was right. She attacked me verbally, made me feel worthless, endlessly criticized and belittled me and made me feel as if I was never doing enough. Her control over my life was complete – I had to give 24hours notice to go to the shop at the end of the road. Even then I was screamed at and made to feel as if I had abandoned her. I was expected to listen to a litany of complaint followed by hours of self-aggrandizement and stories of other people’s jealousy towards her. She told me horrible sexual details of her life with (my deceased and beloved) dad and besmirched his memory whenever possible.

For seven months I fed the rapacious need-monster with my soul. NM’s partner is sweet but totally weak, my sister (who lives abroad) came over a few times and was golden child even though I had done most of the caring. At first my sister could not see that it wasn’t just because I hadn’t tried hard enough. I was in our room crying uncontrollably at some casual cruelty NM had inflicted when my sister insisted I get help. It was the best thing I ever did.

NM is gone now but I am still processing my past. I am getting a divorce. I still cannot believe I am 'free' and I nearly am - I just need to get their horrible, critical voices completely out of my head - my internal monologue can still be very negative and I need to be vigilant. Counselling and CBT have helped. I have also done a lot of internet research (esp. the DONM website) and it helps to know of all you other scapegoats out there.

My sister (she is my twin) and I are v close and she can see what ma has done to me / us and feels guilty about her bullying me at NM’s instruction. I am still struggling with her a little because the assumption is that I will sort everything out all ma’s stuff, be the family administrator, dogsbody etc… even though my sister loves me and is not N she has a lot of ‘fleas’ – behaviours she picked up through having an NM. I need to readjust our relationship so she treats me with more thoughtfulness. It has to be 50/50 now.

I am slowly adjusting my idea of ‘normal’ to something more positive. I am much less trusting of people’s motives now. I can see that I need to forgive and move on otherwise NM will continue to have a hold over me, but I still feel angry at my stolen childhood. I want to avoid attracting these people – I have been a magnet for them, maybe they can spot Nsupply from a mile off.

Most of all I need to stop hating myself for being such an idiot not to have seen it before when it was there right in front of me.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Kambing Libre,

I applaud you in what you have accomplished. You are truly free, and also have to accept that you were not an idiot at all. Our NMs groom us for this as children, and they do a very good job of it. It becomes a part of our psych, and even when we start to know better, it's hard to believe.

We are stronger than we think, or give ourselves credit for. Why would we, when we were beaten down so badly and denied our mother's unconditional love?

Love yourself unconditionally, and seek the best for yourself and from others. Give yourself time to heal, and it does take time, with good and bad days.

I wish you and everyone else the best. This blog has been a lifeline for me, and changed my life in more ways than I can express. I'm still a work in progress with a long way to go, but that is life's journey and all mine now.


LL 4 years ago

I had such a fucked up childhood, and I call my mom 2X a day, I have become her life line. What is worst I think I fucked up my children's life. I love my girls so much, and tried to praise all their efforts and acheivement, they are such beautiful women now , but can say they hate me and resent my presence in their lives. I THINK it's genetic!!! Call me crazy but I feel stuck in a life of misery. I gotta get a life, my children where my life...what do i do now


Smallz 4 years ago

@ onlychild: my mom has a whole wall of pictures in the living room plus picture frames on every table in the house. She also puts picture on her mirror. The weirdest part is she framed two 8x10's of herself and put them in the living room.

@LL:

I would try therapy with your daughters. I read that people with nm's tend to parent in the total opposite way cuz they're afraid of being just like their mom. In reality it's the same. Parenting should be about balance being too extreme on either side of the parenting spectrum is not good.


justthethird 4 years ago

@KambingLibre please don't hate yourself for stuff you cannot/could not control.

For everyone reading this, I recommend a book I downloaded on my Kindle from Amazon: The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis & Treatment. I d/l it about 5 days ago and finished it in 3 days. It's actually written for therapists, but it gives so much information useful for patients! It's like getting the "answers" in the teacher's version of a study book.

There is a lot of healing I have left to do, but this book explains how to start some of it. @KambingLibre, one interesting technique mentioned in the book is to find a photo of yourself at a young age and to frame it and put it in a place you'll see it often. You are to love the child you see in that photo, and to give her gifts and good compliments. Realize that the child you see there was never supposed to have to pick up the burden she did, and that she did the best she could with what she had at the time. As an adult, you have many coping skills that may be dysfunctional and may put you in situations that you hate, but recognize that those coping skills were learned when you were young. And respect that those were the skills that got you to adulthood. Don't hate yourself for still employing them, just acknowledge that you needed them at one time, and now that you know better, you will move forward to learn new skills.

Here's the book. A bit expensive in print ($35) but only $13 for Kindle and WELL worth it for me. I have so much to talk with my new therapist about when I meet her: http://www.amazon.com/The-Narcissistic-Family-Diag...


KambingLibre 4 years ago

@justthethird - thanks for the book recommendation, I have ordered it. @only child 2 - thanks for your wise words. You are so articulate and warm.

The kindness on this forum is very healing, I think it commends us all that, despite (or because of?) what we have been through that we can reach out to each other rather than lashing out at the world. They say ‘hurt people hurt people’, I consider it a sign of enlightenment to have avoided perpetuating that cycle.

When I read up on NPD I found it depressing to see just how much of the way I am was ‘written’ by my NM. It made me wonder how much of me is really ‘me’- whether I exist at all or am just a programmed Nsupply robot, and it made me hate myself even more because I am so much NM’s creation. Even now that she is gone I feel like her toxic legacy.

@Justthethird - You are right about learning dysfunctional coping mechanisms - lately I have been catching myself on the way I respond to potential conflict situations (Try to fix everything! Capitulate! Immediately!) and how I let people treat me. I have to take ownership for that and change it. Sometimes I feel as if there is just too much to fix, that I need to unpick every stitch of my fabric: even after counselling and self-help I keep catching myself defaulting to classic scapegoat behaviours. It is mortifying, and the eternal vigilance needed to avoid doing it is exhausting and dispiriting.

Trying to restructure existing relationships is one of the hardest things, esp when you love the person and don’t want them to be upset with you. Our patterns of behaviour are so ingrained and, even though I have changed, it doesn’t mean other people have. In the past so many people have told me to stand up for myself more, but it is clear now that certain folks never meant it to mean that I should stand up to THEM. I know I am a bit more prickly and sensitive at the moment, after being such a compulsive-helper / people-pleaser for so long it is probably a bit unwelcome that I am standing my ground and pushing back.

My NM is now dead (and I will soon have enough money to restructure my life), I will be divorced from my Nhusband by the end of the year and I am on my way to freedom – why do I still often feel so hollow and afraid of my future, as if I am going to screw it up? I wish I could trust myself not to let me down.

On a good day I can see how far I’ve come and I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes, right now I just feel like a bleating scapegoat. I am spending a lot of time at NM’s house at the mo, sorting through her stuff – it’s like she’s inside my head again. I feel like I am suffering from PTSD when I am alone there: acute anxiety, anger, depression and a suffocating trappedness. I hope these feelings will subside when her house is sold and I don’t have to go there anymore.


Only Child 2 4 years ago

KL,

I actually smile when you say that people want you to stand up for yourself, but not up to them. DH took some lessons from himself, and with a sense of humor we have made it past the precipice of adjusting to the "new me." It DOES take some adjustment, more on their part than ours, I suspect. But the real family and friends will hold fast to you, and the ne'er do wells will fall away when they aren't the center of your attention.

I have a "friend" like that right now. She spends all of her time talking about herself and correcting me, and I can hear her audible breath of disinterest if I ever talk about anything in my life, even for a few moments. I never noticed it until after I realized that my mother was an NM. It truly hit home when after a conversation with this "friend", I found myself saying, "If I need someone to beat me up, I'll call my mother." That speaks volumes.

Our NMs make sure we have a vast divide of insecurity so they can reel us in to their bidding. I think each of us has to allow ourselves the time to rebuild, and that process is excruciating because we're afraid we won't like the product. But now that I am starting to experience some peace and contentment in myself, I'm liking this product more and more because I finally trust myself to Be myself. Even if bad things happen, I can handle it after what I've been through with my own mother.

The future is only as bright as your faith...in you.

Thank you for making me think and feel about where I have been, and where I am headed.


Pyretta2 profile image

Pyretta2 4 years ago from Whitney, Ontario

Thank you for this article. My grandmother and Mother are both narcissistic. My mother will call after speaking to her Mother, complaining. All I can think of is "you do or say the same to me" We only have one mother and we can't change people. Can only change how we respond or let them effect us.


mmm 4 years ago

". A narcissistic mother may only care about herself, but if their child achieves (despite great odds) any measure of success in any area, she will automatically claim credit. For example, I was recently published under a pen name and made the colossal blunder of mentioning this to my mother. Rather than congratulate me, the first words out of her mouth were: "Of course you were published. You get that from me." Get what? As far as I know, the last time my mother wrote anything was an essay at school. But to listen to her, if I had another mother, I would never have been published"

Oh my gosh, my mother did the exact same thing, word for word!!! I have never heard somebody tell my exact experience like that.


trish 4 years ago

The one thing to avoid at all costs is hate. I have seen hate destroy people, they let the hate of the narcissistic mother or both parents take root and take over completely. It has totally ruined their lives, nothing else matters to them now. The narcissistic ones will never be any better, even when they appear to be good they are coming from the same place.


CaliforniaGirl 4 years ago

@trish

I agree.

What helped me so far was reading about NMs and realizing how predictable and textbook-like their behaviour is.

That makes it less personal and is more a symptom of a condition than a real mother-daughter relationship.

When it is less personal, it is also less emotional, and the hate goes away.

Just my theory, I'm not there yet.

But right now I find it actually laughable how my mother's behaviour is listed as typical narcissistic (mother) behaviour.

How banal.

How ridiculous.


CaliforniaGirl 4 years ago

Example for my mother's behaviour:

She came to visit me in California from Europe.

My whole story is here on this page, just scroll further up.

She had dumped me, when I was 13, didn't care anymore, even though I had very difficult times. She never came to visit alone, and hardly ever at all.

California must have sounded like a fun trip, plus she wanted to meet my new husband.

My birthday was two weeks before she came.

She gave me a "present", which was a bustier (underwear) that actually looked good, but I later identified as something she showed me while I visited her two years before. She said it doesn't fit her.

My mother's birthday present!

For the occasion she bought herself two new leather jackets, as if she expects to get an "Oscar".

And a new camera.

When I read about the cheap gifts being a typical NM thing, it made it easier to accept.

BTW She always sended me stuff (if at all) that appeared to be trash that they don't want anymore.

The bustier was actually one of the nicer things.

Right now I still hate her, but mostly I'm sorry.

What a sorry person.


MCA 4 years ago

Had my first counseling session today. There is no law out there that we need to love our mothers. They really haven't earned it. My assignment for this week is to substitute "I feel angry" for "I feel guilty". Thank you for your posts and honesty.


AngeLife profile image

AngeLife 4 years ago from Almost Heaven

So glad to have found this Hub Page. I've been a member for a few years but this is a wonderful revelation and a pleasure to find. Thank you to the original author and to all the rest who have bared their souls here. I'm a member of this club, too, and even with my mother dead, the anger and pain are still there. Distance helps you heal - if you are in contact with your NM, get away as soon as you can. I find it amazing that people put up with 90-some odd year old NMs living in their home, not speaking to them, but they put up with these mentally ill women. Get out now! Extricate yourself immediately. Stop tolerating it. Do it NOW! Get out and stay away from her forever. She doesn't deserve your love or interest and never will. Give up and put her in a nursing home or leave. But don't put up with it a moment longer. Thanks for reading this. Love to you all! You rock!!!


Debbie Steckman 4 years ago

Hi group...I think I have a Narcissistic mother. She takes my daughter without my permission and never tells me...I guess she feels entitled. She will give me a compliment every one in a while but then states she would have done it such and such a way. Every thing is I,I, I......I am so sick of it. What can I do?


Only Child 2 4 years ago

Debbie, how can your NM take your daughter without your permission? I don't know your situation, but if you believe she is an NM, start now to set and keep boundaries, and consider whether NC or LC is best. When my sons were little, I was fortunate that my NM lived far away, and never wanted to watch them when she visited because she was "on vacation." Read about what an NM is, and develop the plan that works for you and your daughter. Realize that your NM will always be more interested in herself than anyone else. Keep your life your own, and don't expect anything from your NM, then you won't be disappointed.


Aria 4 years ago

My father fit ABSOLUTELY EVERY THING you wrote here. Unfortunately, I'm still living at home, but trust me when I say I'm doing my best to leave. So thank you for your article. At least I'm not the only one who's gone through this, and that it wasn't necessarily because my best was little more than a failure.


Ron 4 years ago

Hi, I enjoy going through your hub, I wanted to write a little comment to support you and wish you good hubbing.

Ron from Fitness Tips http://www.intervalstraining.net


Nina-g 4 years ago

Hi,

I have a NM and had an ND. NM is manipulative mainly specializing in psychological warfare. He was manipulative and violent. The problem I had was I believed that it was all my dad. My mum played the victim well and even though deep down I wasn't convinced I defended her through it all.

My ND used to beat my sister and I for petty things. I remember after one of the beatings my NM shook her head in disgust at me like I had asked for it. On that occasion I had threatened to call the police because I thought my ND was going to kill my sister the way he was beating her. I got my father's 'attention' by going for the phone so I got beaten and my brother(golden child) joined in. I was about 10.

I am mixed race so I grew up with alternating 'white bastard' 'paki' comments from both parents. Ironically I now have vitiligo. So I am both white bastard and paki now...

Obviously through triangulation the family is split. She still uses this.

I went through various periods of low self-esteem through my life. I was a straight A grade student but I was talented in art but my parents wanted me to do something academic so that I 'had something to fall back on'. When I got good grades- there was silence or 'why did you get one 'B'' grade. My other scapegoat sister's nickname was 'D grader'. Golden child got money for whatever grades he got. And a deposit for a house, etc.

My father died a few years ago. Since then I have been the supply.

NM has been staying at my small flat for 6 months and I have gone from someone with a pretty positive outlook on life- despite everything I think I am a fighter- to someone who drinks half a bottle of whisky a day and sleeps until 3pm. I constantly have fantasies about death and how relaxed it would make me feel.

My NM has accused me of sabotaging her life. She has said I have kept her prisoner. Then she has said I am throwing her out. I have just been making a list of my life and everything she has undermined me with.

Today she called me a bitch. I have done so much for this woman when she has been ill and I dropped my life for her. I put her before myself, my partner, everybody.

I am 40 now. The night before my birthday I went out with my partner and she spent the whole evening texting me how nasty I am and what a failure.

I don't have children because I have been looking after her. Now I think of my age and all this going through my head- she says 'your type can't have children'. Then if I do indeed have children she has decided 'I don't want your grandchildren'.

I could go on. Oh yeah- I am also a product of rape. Amongst other things.

I only discovered this week that I have a NM and had a ND. I feel a bit weird and I cried all last night. I have been crying a lot. In my tiny flat with her dominating this is even difficult.

When my NM gave me a birthday card this year I was so shocked after the texts. But the card was one of those cards that lists all your talents on the front and then you open it and it says something like 'you inherited it all from me'. She has taken the card back anyway.

My partner and I have hired a car to take her home tomorrow. She has told me 'get out of my life!'. It's all confusing because she won't get out of my flat. Illogic. Hopefully after tomorrow things will be brighter for me although my younger sister(ignored by ND/ secondary but recently promoted to primary golden child) does not believe me. NM has already threatened to turn my damaged sibling relationships(which have only recently been healing) against me with her 'truth'.

Who knows.

Thank you for the article.

Thank you everyone for comments.

I am not alone.


guest 4 years ago

I have a very NM. SHe is narcissistic to the core. Where I come from you cannot leave the parents house unless you are married. I am 30 & still single.. My dad actually creates problems with me & my mother. My sister & my brother do understand but they live far away & are happy.. And as far as my parents are concerned they are the best. My parents tried to give me away for adoption to my uncle when I was a kid but it didnt work out. I always spend my time in my room... all my friends are married and live away. I cant make any new friends because she will think I am having affair with everyone of them. She even called me whore once. only thing keeping me going is knowing this will end... I can only hope it will soon because I am out of patience...


APG (soaptalk AT hotmail DOT com) 4 years ago

?.

Has anyone here ever encountered a person who

suffers (or causes others to suffer) from an odd

case of 'Golden Uterus' Syndrome (GUS)?

.

http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wif...

.


Chris 4 years ago

Hi. mum 89. Im 64. Just worked. out mums NPD. My sis and wife have gone through hell.


nakedfighter 4 years ago

Well... my gut wrenching, negative, destructive, despotic, manipulative, vindictive, cruel, self centered, cold as metal, indifferent, out to get me...MOMMY, is also a psychopedagogist: she "helps people, (mostly young children and teens), with their emotional problems." Talk about feeling trapped with NO WAY OUT! My mother's mad rationalizations came with a degree!!!

I had NO CHANCE.: 48,never been married, a chain of icy men-narcissists as a cruel reminder of "who's the boss". S. A. D.


GoodOne 4 years ago

Amazing. Can take an example from each post and think, same here..thats same thing happened. Left home at 16, enabler dad, tried suicide,phone calls me me me me how r u oh have to go.click. except my brother is same way. OMG two N's. But interesting how we all seem to have a strentgh to survive the cruelty. I too raised my kids opposite and with much self esteem, thing is they are grown and out of the house and memories of my childhood make me cry on the spot and even though I cut ties with the witch, it is coming back. Im sure from empty nest syndrome and have more time to think. Just dont understand how a mother doesnt have sense to pick up a crying baby( me..adopted and the caregiver even told her I am sensitive and have patience and hold alot)so she leaves me screaming til im blue and til i no longer even bother anymore. And now she gets mad we have no bond. well duh,,, you stupid witch. And all those critical statements when im just trying to grow. I get mad because I could have been so much more with a normal mom and frustrated at 48 I am still the same sad teenager. Except know Im also mad. Does it ever end?? The flashbacks of her stupidity? I never talk to her so even when she dies it will probably be the same. How do I get the stupid mean evil witch out of me head???


Kim 4 years ago

I learned my mom is a narcissist about a year ago, thanks to my cousin. Alot of things from my past now make sense to me. How can a so called mother be so self centered. My birthday was last week, she mails me a gift, of course it is a shirt, that she would like, not me. I am going back to the store and exchanging, without her knowing. I have not confronted my mother and after reading all these posts, its better that I don't. I do keep my distance, even though she lives an hour away, she only talks to me if I call her. She never calls me. And her 2 grandsons barely know her. The times that she has invited me over to her house, is when it is conveinent to her and only me. If it doesnt go her way, forget it. I could go on and on.


HEARTBROKEN 4 years ago

At age 63 I finally accepted the fact that I have a narcisstic mother. I think I always knew, but was unable to accept the fact that my mother does not love me. I have suffered so much from her selfish, mean behavior, but like so many of you, often blamed myself. I was always the "Mom" in my family and felt responsible for everyone's happiness., especially hers. Today, I suffer from fibromyalgia and a lifetime of underserved guilt and responsiblity. The last straw came today, when she told me that she has invested all her money (recieved from the sale of a condo she obtained from the divorce of her 2nd husband) in an annuity that will keep her funded until she is 100 years old! She, of course, fees terrible that there will be nothing left for my brother or I (even though we both have health issues and financial problems), but she needs the money to live on. To finally face the fact that no matter how much you have loved and tried to obtain love from someone so cold and unresponsive who has continually slapped you in the face for your efforts, is not only heartbreaking, but disgusting. I feel sick. I have wasted so many years trying to pretend I had a loving mother. Please...............DO NOT fall into this trap. You will be hurt beyond comprehension. If you know what you're mother is, stop contact immediately. Hopefully you will be spared the broken heart I have.


BRENDA 4 years ago

WOULD LIKE TO JOIN... CAN I TALK ABOUT MY NM????


BRENDA 4 years ago

I JUST DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY.... I FOUND ALL OF YOU... I AM NOT ALONE, I NOW KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG ALL OF THESE YEARS WITH MY MOM.. I AM FEELING A LITTLE BETTER WITH NOW HAVING A WORD I CAN SAY, NM.....I HAVE NOT TALKED TO HER FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS... I MUST NEVER SEE OR TALK TO HER AGAIN... SHE HAS MADE ALL OF MY LIFE VERY, VERY HORRIBLE, REALLY IT IS MORE THAN HORRIBLE...I AM 58, I WILL TAKE MY LIFE BACK. SHE WILL NO LONGER MAKE ME SAD, SICK, ETC....WISH ME WELL...


kelj 4 years ago

For those who have a an NM or an ND, it is hard work. I have ended up going NC with my alcoholic father. I have limited contact with my NM and my younger siblings who are also showing traits of N as well. I have been the family scapegoat for as long as I can remember, I have posted on here before in times of complete and utter bloody anguish; pain tearing right through my heart and crying till I thought I could cry no more. I realise now that I will never gain their approval, nor do I want it anymore. If these N people don't realise the true beauty in you, then they are not worth it. As mush as it hurts, it is soul-piercing and terrifying, and anxious all at once. Things will not change for me, my NM will not change her behaviour, she is now 53 and my ND is 54 and been drinking for years, regressing and being the victim, not being responsible for his kids for most of their lives. Things have turned out how they are, and I will spend more time thinking and hoping that things will be different, because they won't. The best thing I can do, is get on, celebrate who I am, and my friends; and the people that love you for you, they are your true family. And be yourself, be free and don't be held down by the bad voices in your head and in the N atmosphere.xxxx love to you all.


just figured it out! 4 years ago

At 51 I have just figured this out. While reading these comments, the light slowly dawns and I recognize my dear sick mom for who she is. I am the youngest of 4, definitely a people pleaser and trained at an early age to be codependent.

My mother cn be charging and delightful, and I adored her as a child. But she never had many close friends or hobbies, was terribly critical and harsh, sometimes physically abusive, and had a very low tolerance for me being different than she was. At almost 90 she has alienated 2 of my 3 siblings, because her behavior has worsened since my fathers death. My borderline mentally ill brother at 55 fathered a child by a younger woman who was addicted to drugs. The woman went through treatment, won custody of the child, and my mother believes all is well and wonderful.

The mother of his child has a long arrest record and was arrested for prostitution when she was nearly 5 months pregnant with my brother's child. The child was 8 months old and in foster care when the mother contacted my brother.I think it is naive to believe all will be well and this has a happy ending.

My mother has decided to provide my brother with the support/help she was providing me, as I moved out of my ex-husbands house quickly several years ago. I have been most grateful, express it frequently and last we talked she told me she would do it" as long as she was still able to". On Easter sunday this year, she wanted to tell my young teenagers of my brothers baby the day after I had learned of it.When I asked to wait until we knew more (paternity had not been confirmed) she flew into a rage, said things about me that left me speechless and told me she was no longer going to provide support for my rent. This hub has helped me understand that I am the scapegoat, and my brother is the GC. My other two sibs want as little as possible to do with her.

My problem is 1) I still really love this woman, and find myself forgiven g her daily. She to me seems powerless and a little pathetic. I would still like to maintain contact with her. ADVICE?

2) Is it possible for someone with a history of intractable addiction to recover after i stint in treatment? Her arrests included theft by swindle and domestic assault. My brother has an arrest record, a miner one, as well. Ugh. This hub has been so freeing!


just figured it out 4 years ago

I also wanted to add that I am under the impression that there is a continuum of N behaviors. I suspect that my experience is on the lower end. My older sibs and I figured Mom suffered from undiagnosed depression/anxiety. Her controlling, critical and angry behaviors were because that had never been addressed. I now believe she is an N.

Thank you so much for all who have revealed this painful history. It has been the most educative and validating late night reading I have ever done. I am working hard to support myself, and pay my own rent!


Heartbroken 4 years ago

I finally spoke to my NM on the phone today after avoiding her calls. I was so hurt, as mentioned previously, that she had decided to invest her entire savings into an annuity, so that she would have enough money for herself until she is 100! Of course the annuity did not leave anything, and even if something happened to her in the next few years (she is 84) the money would all be gone. When I attempted to explain this to her, she didn't seem concerned at all. Two days later she told me that she had decided to go ahead and invest in the annuity despite the fact that I am struggling and not in great heath. Her excuse............."Well, alot of people put work into this transfer, I cannot change it now." Obviously, she is more concerned about the financial manager than her own daughter. The pain I felt was so immense, I am sure you can all understand. I cried for days and realized I had to break off all ties with this woman who was continually hurting me.

Anyway, I did speak to her today and explained the pain I have been through. Of course, she told me that she decided not to go with the annuity after all, and the only reason she was going to was so she would never be a burden on me. I also told her of the pain I felt when she accused my husband and I of not loving her when we confronted her on her drinking. She told us that was the reason that she drank! As usual, it all came back to me..............."I never realized how much you hated me........apparently I am not the mother you think I should be, I just want to die now." She then hung up on me.

My God, I am a 65 year old woman and this is one of the first times I ever told her how I reaaly felt. I always felt that I had to protect her, and felt guilty if I was not always there for her. I do feel that this conversation was very freeing for me, however, the pain is still ther, and I can't help but pity her.

I hope one of you can reinforce for me that I did the right thing and that the pain will subside. I do not plan on anymore contact with her.

I am so glad to have found this site. It has enpowered me and proven to me that I am not the crazy one. Thank you all for the support.


just figured it out 4 years ago

Yes you did the right thing.

It is a classic move for an alcoholic to blame others about her drinking. You don't have to be there for someone who recreates your reality to the point where the facts you observe are denied, so the N can continue living in her world. In other words, her reality is not yours. It will make you increasingly crazy (and it sounds like it has literally made you sick) if you continue to claim it. In her mind she is a victim, and her N personality will never allow her to take one iota of responsibility. I see my own mother doing this, and it gets worse with age and money involved. Love to you, Heartbroken!!


Catinboots 4 years ago

Thank goodness for this. I am following this hub with the realisation that I am not alone and that it's not me, it's my NM.

Thankyou to everyone for sharing your experiences. I can't tell you how relieved I am to have found this site and this article. I am following with much interest and understanding that I am not alone.

Cat


kelj 4 years ago

My parents never have taken any repsonsibility; too caught up in their own lives to give a monkeys about what I am doing and how we might have felt. Never have they admitted their actions, or how their actions might have had some effect on my or my sister's emotional being. The man called my father, favoured me over my sister, and my mum favoured my sister over me. Ultimately, this has kind of pitted my sister and I against each other, and even as adults, our relationship has suffered greatly because of idiotic parenting. My mum's side don't understand what I am like, and just because I am different, I get judged because I am not like them. My dad I don't speak to, because he just abused me emotionally down the phone too much, and didn't me any emotional good whatsoever.

I feel like moving away, but I know I am not the problem, these an parents and people are. I deal with the hurt, just by getting on with what I do and being me, and living my life trying hard to ignore the anxiety and bad feelings. I have negative feelings, which inside make me feel sour and bad towards the family, in what they do and grandiose announcements they make, insinuating how much better they are than me and my life; now I try and ignore it, so it doesn't annoy me, and let them be; a kind of Buddhist approach, clear the mind, let them go, let them be. That is the way they are; they will never admit to being N people. And I waste my time trying to please them, or caring about their behaviour. I wait for the day when I can move away from the area they live in.


BRENDA 4 years ago

MAY ALL OF US WITH NM REMEMBER THAT WE CAN, AND WILL BE STRONG, WONDERFUL WOMEN.


just figured it out 4 years ago

I would like to throw out a question. Does anyone catch themselves using N controlling ways? What do you do when you see this happening?


BRENDA 4 years ago

TO HEARTBROKEN, I SO AGREE WITH YOU, DO NOT ABOVE ALL ELSE, FALL INTO THAT TRAP.... KEEP WALKING AWAY FROM NM AND DO NOT LOOK BACK....


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 4 years ago

To just figured it out: N controlling ways are something on which we all have to police ourselves. As I write this I touch my shame. It's very hard to admit that at times I may act exactly as the woman who abused me...but it is the chemistry of this disorder. Our mothers became what they became because of something they did not get as children. You can not give, what you do not get. And that is why we are all reading this now. We did not get, what we needed from our mothers. And as they say...the cycle continues. The hope lies in that we are AWARE that this exists. Our mothers were not aware. I have no children (and I would be very interested in finding out how many of you do not have children). This was my subconscious way of making sure the cycle ended. I would have done the same things to my children (had I had any) that my mother did to me. You don't figure it out until you are older (and too old to have children).

To answer your question, when I catch myself being controlling I say to myself..."Aahh there it is. There is your wound." I try to be sympathetic to myself and say "Come on, you can do better than that." I remind myself that other folks did not experience the world as I did. No need for such control. It only gives you away to them as one of the "wounded".


kelj 4 years ago

I def do not have kids, I think my parents' bad ways put me off having kids. I like my life as it is though. I think I would be a good mum, but I am so cautious about children; it's a massive decision and very heavy responsibilty.


Kayleigh 4 years ago

I have always wondered my mother has always been so cruel and cold hearted towards me growing up, never the type of mum to give you a hug or praise you when you have done right. (instead bringing up something your sister "the golden child" has done lately and completely dismissing you. I discovered that she was a NM yesterday at the age of 20 and I am so glad that I have discovered this early on in life. She has a few nice days now and then when she will ask you to go somewhere nice or out shopping. I think it is out of guilt for things she says such as wishing she had an abortion, bringing up how she hates my father & his side of the family I met when I was 16 etc etc. I would love to cut all ties her with her but my 87 year old grandfather lives with her and I love him to pieces he has always been there for me whilst growing up and is such an inspiration and I know she will never let me see him if I cut ties.


Eureka... 4 years ago

I feel so relieved knowing I am not alone in this world. I can relate to everyone's comments regarding NM. I always knew something was different with my mother at very young age. Every conversation, family get together, or any other special events/holidays MUST revolve around her. If its not about her, she doesn't want any part in it. My childhood was very painful and just plain sad living with her. I constantly pray and try to block some of the painful memories in my mind, but every so often they reappear. I'm now in my 30's and I have realized my NM will probaly never change. Its very hurtful because I love her, but not her negative and controlling ways.


Sonya123 4 years ago

I was in my 40's before I was able to accept that my mother was mentally ill -a narcissist and/or psychopath. I have had no contact with her in over a year even though we live only 5 miles apart. I pray that I never see her in public. My childhood was a living hell. My grandmother told me that my mother slapped my face when I was 2 days old. She then abandoned me and my sister for almost a year. She left us with a babysitter and just didn't come back. When she did get us back, she continued to leave us with strangers, screamed constantly, told us how worthless we were. We dared not stand close to each other because she would sometimes scream "you two are so godda**ed stupid, I'm going to knock your heads together!". And then she would. She ranted constantly and slapped and punched and hit us daily. I became a total introvert and went through most of school without ever talking to anyone. I had no friends. I felt stupid and unworthy of even one friend. I certainly couldn't have friends over. I didn't want anyone to know about my home life. My Dad was abused by her too. He was too scared of her to defend us. He would just say "don't hit them in the face". By the grace of God, I got away from her at 18. I met my husband and we are still happily together 30 years later. The only thing she taught me was how NOT to be like her. I know how to love and receive love. My daughter asked me how I could be such a good mother when I had such a horrible mother. Nothing has ever made me feel so good. The fact that my childhood didn't make me a bad parent is a miracle. When I decided to break all ties with my mother, I talked to my inner child and told her that I would never let mother hurt her again. I would give myself hugs and could feel the hurt little girl in me start to heal. I hope that doesn't sound too crazy, but it worked for me. I found the strength to never speak to my mother again. I try not to hate her. I have only sympathy for her because she is mentally ill. My sister became schizophrenic and she is still being victimized by mother. I have tried to convince her that our mother doesn't love us or anyone else but her mental illness won't allow her to see things clearly. My dad still lives with this mad woman. She is abusive to him but I can't save him. If I reported her, he would say it never happened. He is that brain-washed. It isn't easy to let go of your mother, but it is necessary to save yourself. Other family members won't understand. She seems charming and sweet to them. That's not my problem. I have to be strong and take care of myself and heal the damaged child that the monster tortured. It feels like a ton of bricks have been lifted from me. I have accepted the fact that she will die one day, and even then, I will know that I have done the right thing by staying away. There is no way to stay sane with someone like her in my life.


greatfire1666 4 years ago

I have read several of the posts here. I am not even sure that my Mother falls into this category but would appreciate some comments.

I am an only child, adopted. My mother is very elderly and has been obsessed by her own health since I was a very small child. As the years have passed, this obsession has meant that she has not interest in anything or anyone else, unless they are happy to spend hours listening to her.

As a child, she wasn't too bad but she did often threaten to have me taken away if I was naughty. As I knew that I was adopted, and she often said the letter to have me collected had been sent, this did make me quite insecure.

She also accused everyone of trying to steal from her or taking things. I didn't doubt this when I was younger but this has deteriorated as I have got older and in recent years she tells anyone who will listen that I am also doing this. I am a lawyer and she has threatened to tell the police and "make sure that you never work again". Following these difficulties, I did have a period of months when I refused to have any contact with her but she begged me to get back in contact claiming that she had never intended to do this and would never do it again. Not suprisingly, she continues to repeat these accusations to anyone who will listen.

I have two children, the youngest has disabilities. She is so obsessed with her own health that she often tries to compete with him, claiming to be more deaf (he has a severe hearing loss) and so on. Otherwise, she shows little interest in him or any of us.

As an only child and as she has very few people who are interested in spending time with her, I feel obliged to continue to provide some support. I visit, but dread it, as she makes me so angry. She is so loving towards me when I am there but horrible about me behind my back, I realise because this gives her sympathy from others.

She shows no interest in the unhappiness or sufferings of other people but is obsessed with animals and often claims to cry for hours if she hears that someone's cat has died. She showed no emotion at the passing of my father and has made several pronouncements of his behaviour during their marriage claiming that he slept with hundreds of women and beat her.

Naturally, her comments create false memories of him. Any comments would be much appreciated.


Sonya123 4 years ago

My NM shows no interest in human suffering, but calls her cats "her kids". She talks to them like they are her babies.

However, when she gets agitated, which is several times a day, she will hit and scream at her animals just like she did her children. It is almost as though she had to get "replacements" once her children grew up. Now her poor animals have to suffer instead.

When one of her cats favors my Dad, who is elderly and still lives with this evil woman, she will "diagnose" it with some life-threatening disease and insist that it be put down. She then tries to call her kids to tell them how sad she is that her cat had to be put down - just to get sympathy.

She will stop at nothing. Anything for attention, she will do it. She also tries to "one-up" everyone who has an illness.

I have had no contact for one year. I am glad that I am not an only child, because all but one of my siblings have stopped contact as well. It reassures me that she is the problem, not me.

When I did visit, (before no contact) she would say terrible things about my Dad with him sitting right there. I would get angry and leave. She would then call my work the following day and tell me that if I ever wanted to see my Dad again, I had better rush right over because he was very ill. Of course, I dropped everything at work to get to their house to check on my Dad. I walked in and he was sitting in his chair, reading the paper!

I got my NM to another room and asked her why she had called me in such a panic when obviously, my Dad was fine. She said "Oh, you should have seen him a little while ago. He looked like he was about to die!" Lies, lies and more lies.

To this day, she calls me several times a week and leaves voice messages, telling me she loves me, etc., but I refuse to ever speak to her again.

She was also very bad about smiling to my face and then saying dreadful things about me to my other siblings. She did this with her grandchildren (all of whom refuse to visit or call her) as well.

I would hire someone to take care of whatever your mother needs - errands, groceries, etc., and give yourself a break from her.

Your mother's actions remind me more of my grandmother. She was a hypochondriac and suffered from paranoia and delusions. She wasn't physically abusive like my mother, but her words could cut very deep. She was also an attention seeker and constantly talked about her bad health.

You are helping your mother because you are a good daughter. I did this for a long time as well. I also felt obliged to visit her often and listen to her hours of talking about herself on the telephone on a daily basis, even though I have a full-time job and many other obligations.

I was in my 40's before I decided to cut ties with her. Her phone calls made me physically ill. Visiting her meant putting up with her verbally abusing my Dad right in front of me. I knew what I had to do to save myself.

I hope that things get better with you and your mother. If she is a narcissist, the odds are very slim that she will ever change or admit fault in any way.

It is not an easy decision for a daughter to cut ties with her mother, but for me, it was necessary to save my sanity. I feel like an adult for the first time in my life.


Dana444 4 years ago

When I finally realize my mom is a NP was about 2 1/2 years ago. I read a book that saved my life literally "When will I be good enough" I got mad sad and just hurt inside, but at the same time I found healing. I went through hell with the trauma and the pain she has inflicted on me for years. I did no contact for awhile just to get suck back BELIEVING she had changed her ways some. Not a chance. First chance she got when I was vunerable that a friend of mine tried to to kill herself by hanging and lived now has a brain injury and in a nursing home. I have known her for about 30 +years anyway I am telling her about this and she had nothing to say postive or helpful or even one thing to be supportive. I asked why no thought about me and I qoute she said " I didnt know her"// WTF. of course screw me I forgot I was talking about my feelings not hers. Her contunial put downs and preying on my weakness just to put a slinger on my shortcommings. She has traingluation with my sisters and have been through a smear campaign during a socalled family reunion she had and didnt invited me blanteley lie to me . I have drank on and off through the years (learned it from her) I drank too much last visit to her house she made a huge deal of it we got into an agrument and I fly from Palm springs back to orlando. Anyway that was 2 years ago . Mind you she has been drunk more times in family fuctions than i can tell you. But with the NP they dont have any flaws...NP take 0 resposnbility for the tornado acting in your life but for them they think they are justified in their actions. Anyway I got an email from my aunt and she told me about this email that my mom sent to everyone OMG it was so shocking to me how she went into elbrate details of her love of the family and how beautiful Beamont is (Where her mother grew up who has passed) and tjhat is where the reunmion was going to be. Well in that email were all family members email address. Yes i sent out to everyone how she lied to me and didnt tell me about this reunion. Here comes the smear campaign I got emails from her brother and sister about my drinking.. I left my mom a shitty phone call after wards I guess she saved it and played it for her brother when he visisted. Then she called my aunt and I quote "I dont want a drunk there" Are you freaken serious? So she had her over the top celbration where she could be the center of attention. I feel (I learned that word in therapy!) I feel that she lies and can talk to me right in my face and lie and the hardest part if when she saids me girts and I know its for a need to be needed and not for love. That she is incapable of love and that hurts at times. She hit the juackpot with a man she married 5 years ago all about the money and the image. I have learned alaot about myself and healing and my faith has set me free in alot of areas where as before the words she spoke killed my spirit and drove me to destruction thinking and behaving. I have made a choice once again as I heal that I have to stay away from here. I feel that is hard at times. My fantasy bonding is over and I grieved deeply over that. I had to go through the pain and feel it and it was awaful and I pray I may never feel that pain again. As I contunie on my path of healing I for myself saty away I cannot seem to have a "fake" relationship any longer. I have no family I talk to exceopt I do talk to my dad and his wife sometimes. I know my mom has slammed me with family and my sisters who I yearn for at times. The damage of us daughters and sons who have had to endure the NP destruction way of relating is all the same except we are all different people. That is why we all understand each other. I will pray for us all for complete healing of this trauma of the NP in our lives. I never though I could heal I did and you can too. Its a long journey but you are the most important person in your own lifes no matter what the NP saids. Do not look at yourself through her DISTORTED view. Cutting contact is a must for me , but I am not willing to save face any longer.

I know that NP had terribley damaging mom or dad in there life, and they are damaged themselves. But it takes courage to change. we are the lucky ones really because we want to heal and we know that the NP knows what they are doing too and chooses not to heal. But bleed on everyone else. In a strange way I feel confident in my relationship wuith God because there is no condemnation with God and I found out through him what uncondtional love is. I thank Him everyday. I stand alone and I am ok with that. (Family) They are strangers to me my sisters and they are ok with excluding me and that tells me everything I need to now. No empathy=a true narississtic and my sisters are just like her. I am so grateful I didnt turn out like them and I have had a very seriously hardcore childhood and teenage years possbile its the people who suffer so much that truly see things that others dont. And we seek the truth and seek healing.

God Bless Dana


Sonya123 4 years ago

Good for you, Dana! Breaking free of your NM is one of the hardest things a person can do. I don't even drink and my NM told my family, including my young nieces, that I am a "closet alcoholic". I can only imagine if I did drink, the lies she would spread. I saw myself through her distorted view for many, many years. When my daughter and husband refused to visit her anymore, I had to take a good look at what was going on. I didn't know the true meaning of a narcissist. My daughter was 9 when she told me she didn't want to visit my NM anymore. When I asked her why, she said "grandmother is fake". Your word exactly! It has been a year of no contact and I have never been more at peace. It makes it harder when your siblings try to make you feel bad for not talking to the NM. They can hang around her and be tormented all they want. We had the courage to get away. I hope they enjoy what she has in store for them. Hugs to you. Sonya


Dana444 4 years ago

Sonya,

Thank you so much for your response...It is inspiring to me to hear how you did it and how your feeling..I am so glad that your at peace...


Karina Fernandez profile image

Karina Fernandez 4 years ago from Buenos Aires, Argentina

I really don't know where to start.. First of all, thank you all for posting and sharing your experiences. I was sure I wasn't the only one, but sometimes it feels like it.

I tried reading the whole lot of posts, while deciding whether to post something myself or not, until I summoned the courage to do so. So here I am.

Life summary: I was born in South America and am an only child. My parents and I moved to Canada when I was about 5 where we lived until I finished high school. Then we came to SA and I have been here for the past 20 years. I am now 38 and am a single mother of a 15 year-old. Sadly, my mother is my next-door "neighbour".

I've been in and out of therapy my entire life, thinking I was the problem. Because my daughter is now a teenager and she every right to be happy, sometimes I feel unfit as a mother because mine paralyses me. It's like I let my daughter defend herself from my NM. This is why I need guidance basically.

Today, my daughter came back from a 2 week vacation with her aunt who lives in another province. Of course she wanted to go so she could have a "break" from my mother since it was her winter break. I asked my daughter why she was watching TV (because on the trip back home she made it clear that she couldn't wait to use her computer and watch her you-tuber). So she answered me, "I'm waiting for grandma to leave the laundry-room so she doesn't start going into a fit again.."

Her comment sounded so familiar. So real, so tangible. It reminded me of how I used to act when my NM was around during my teenage-hood and felt afraid.. Afraid for my daughter. I know living here is not healthy for us, but we don't have the economic means to move out.

Has anybody ever done anything legally about psychological abuse from a parent? I am so tired.. so tired. I worry about my daughter. Even though I know this is not my fault sometimes I think I'm going to crack..

I have gone through so much psychological abuse and manipulation that I find it hard to be the mother I want to be. My daughter loves me and we have the relationship I always longed to have with my own mother. But things are getting out of hand and I just don't know what to do or how.

I'm all ears and welcome any advice.


Sonya123 4 years ago

Karina,

Thanks for sharing your story. You must find a way to get away from her and cut off all contact. NM's don't get better. They only get worse. Mine told awful lies about me to my daughter. She also screamed at my daughter when I left her with the NM when she was little. I didn't know what a narcissist was. I knew she had mental problems, but when my daughter told me the things she had done to her (the same things she did to her children), that was the last straw. I thought she would be sorry for how she treated her children and would do better by her grandchildren. Not so. No more chances for her. I let her control me for 40+ years, but not anymore. For the sake of your daughter and your sanity, move away from her if at all possible. If it isn't, tell her or write her a letter letting her know that she is no longer allowed to visit or call you or your daughter.


Brokenwing 4 years ago from North Attleboro, Massachusetts

Quotes from my NM:

"I wish there had been a "Rent a Child" program before I had kids. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have had them" (I was 12, my 2 and 3 yr old siblings were also in the room.)

While I was pregnant with my first child: "You better enjoy all the attention you get when you're pregnant, because trust me, nobody cares about you AFTER you have the baby... all they are interested in is the baby."

While I was pregnant with my 2nd child (with terrible complications): "Well you better hope this one's a boy so you don't have to go though all THIS again!"


Brokenwing 4 years ago from North Attleboro, Massachusetts

Ah... one more quote: "You know, you have to EARN my love; it's not something you just get without deserving it!"

I was in my 30's before it finally began to sink in that the reason my mother never loved me stemmed from HER, and not from me simply being unloveable. I grew up FEELING unloveable. I had to become a mother myself, and experience the unconditional love for my own daughter, and witness my mother treating my daughter the same way she had always treated me, before I saw the light. I thought to myself: My daughter is the best kid in the whole world (call me biased if you will)... if this woman cannot love my daughter (her own grand-daughter), then she obviously can't love anyone!!

After I cut ties from her, she literally called every family member and acquaintance she could think of to tell them how awful I am, a compulsive liar, thief, etc. My mother is a brilliant manipulator (IQ 140's) and some people believed her lies. Our family is fractured because of her.

Presently she is dying of Pancreatic Cancer, and I hear through family members that she has no intention of seeing me, or her grandchildren, before she dies. What a sad, sad situation.


Sonya123 4 years ago

Quotes from my NM to her very young children: "I wish I had never seen any of you!", "Don't call me mother!", "I wish I had thrown you out the window at the hospital!" "What is WRONG with you?". She also said that she loved being pregnant. I'm sure she did because she is such an attention seeker and what better way to get attention? I also grew up feeling unlovable and unworthy. My job (from the age of 6), was to clean, cook, help raise my baby brothers, and do all of the things that she was supposed to do. She didn't work. She stayed in bed all day or talked on the phone for hours. I have a wonderful daughter who is intelligent and is not fooled by the NM. She was so happy for me when I told her that I was going no contact. My NM has told family members so many lies about me and my daughter since then. My aunt called me the other day and she had talked with the NM earlier. The NM told her that I was a closet alcoholic (I drink maybe 2-3 times a year), and that my daughter is extremely overweight (she weighs 120). I asked if the NM happened to mention that she hadn't seen or heard from me or my daughter in over a year. Of course she didn't. She wants to create the illusion that we still worship her. Only one of her 5 kids still speaks to her. Another quote "I am too smart for this world." "Most people are idiots". She has gone to great lengths to get us back in her life. She even drives by our houses periodically. What she gets out of that, I don't know. She has called my co-workers (complete strangers to her) to try to get information about me. I am happy to know that so many others found the courage to get away from these non-mothers. My sister, who remains brain-washed by the NM, tells me that mother calls her several times a day and tries to dictate her every move. My sister is 52! She says that talking to the NM makes her physically and mentally exhausted. But when I tell her that she needs to cut ties, she lashes out at me for not talking to the NM! I will probably go "no contact" with my sister as well. She is just another means that my NM is using to get to me and my other siblings.


alssla 4 years ago

My mother told me that she did her duty by having me and my brother and maybe it is my purpose in life to take care of her in her old age. She didn't talk to my husband for 17 years and now he helps me take care of her - what a guy he is! My brother just washes his hands of her, but instead I make myself sick taking care of her. She has confined herself to her room in assisted living and to her wheelchair. She doesn't even leave her room for food they have to bring it to her and I have to even bring her mail to her. She won't do it! She won't let them clean her room because "they" work so hard - she wants me to do it. I am trying to say no, but then after a week or so I say "yes" again. Always trying to please her. Always.


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 4 years ago

@Alssla: Give up. She wants to manipulate YOU into doing it. That is her drug. The only time my 90 year old NM is even slightly happy is when she gets me to do something that she can easily do for herself. For that short amount of time she feels THE POWER that she used to have over me full time. Stop giving your mother her drug--you. NMs are emotional vampires. They feed off us. And when they've used us up, they will find someone else. So take care of yourself. That caring mother you hope will emerge when she realizes what sacrifices you make for her is NEVER going to show up. Let the Assisted Living folks do their jobs. They are perfectly capable of taking care of her real needs.

@Brokenwing: I'll add one. "You were so bad as an infant (I had colic, or so she says...I don't believe anything anymore) that I knew I was going to kill you or myself." Thank goodness my grandmother stepped in to care for me the first couple of months. I think she just realized that all the attention had shifted to me.

@Karina Fernandez: Get out no matter what. If you are beholding to her, she has POWER over you. And that is what she wants. NMs spin webs of obligations, promises, and attached strings... just so they can get a hook into you. Your daughter is old enough now to understand how important it is for you to distance yourselves. Move to the smallest apartment you can find just to get away. You will feel better as soon as you do it. God bless


Broken 4 years ago

Test


Broken 4 years ago

Hi all,

I feel broken and lost and confused. My mum is a classic case of a narcisstic mother. I dont know what to say about dad just that he never protects me. My mum seems to be jealous and vindictive and very hard to please. She has caused major fights, even with my 2 older brothers but with me she is worse than ever.

Here is my story. I need help to get over the guilt of dad bcoz altho he is an enabler i think he loves me a lot in his heart.

My mother has always been crazy. I dont know where to start.

I belong to mumbai. I have 2 older brothers. My mom was quite nice when i was a kid. She made clothes for me,dressed me,made toys for me etc. I used to be able to talk only with her. I was scared to open my mouth in front of dad and strangers. I now look back and understand she broke my self esteem even when i was a child. She had 2 sons and really wanted a daughter, so i dont understand at all.

My mom was very badly treated my my nana nani. At a young age my mom and her sister were made to live with my nani's brothers family and her 3 brothers were sent to usa for education etc. Mom was married off. She once told me she was also sexually abused. Basically all this screwed up her mind forever.

Mom never encouraged me to excel in studies, while she got my brothers books on general kknowlege i was often given startdust magazines to read

My dads a doctor and he always wanted me to do well, to become a doctor etc.

I ruined everything by not studying, giving up, hurting them and then they openly turned against me. They would keep saying i shold be beaten up, my dad would say he hates to even look at my face.

Finally i found my wonderful husband and came to the usa where my 2 older brothers were already living and my life changed. My mom would keep instigating my brothers against me. She would tell them i am a bitch etc. She would blame me for not finding brides for them , for being jealous of them etc.

Whenever i went to india mom used to be upset, she would instigate my dad and brothers. She would tell my bros that i trouble her a lot. Sne would tell my dad things i never said, eg i gifted him a phone and mom told him i told her that the phone is very expensive etc. My dad would make a face and not talk properly with me after that. Million things like that happened. Everytime she said something abt me she would tell the person not to tell me so there would be no confrontation, just cold war.

When mom came to the usa she could not take it.she got extemely jealous of me, in fact she never visited me in my city and stayed with my brothers, when i came to visit she wanted me to just leave.

When a year after that my older brother got married again she didnt want me to come, when i came she wanted me to leave, when i cried a lot she just became cold and did not allow my husband to attend the wedding.3 months later she instigated my brother to divorce his wife.

Now coming to my main issue. We ,oved to new jersey after my husbands masters for his new job. This where my 2 brothers live.

2 ys ago i got pregnant. Again my parents said they r coming to usa for me and they came when i was 20 weeks pregnant. They totally ignored me. They didnt stay more than a day with me and when they stayed my mum just

wanted to leave. I was very hurt. Whenever i would take a train and go to spend time with my parents and single brother she would be upset. She would keep saying she wants both brothers to get married before i have the baby.

My brother wud refuse to give me his bed even tho he is young and single and i was 20 weeks pregnant. Once i got bed bug bites from his couch and woke up covered in bites and my mom kept saying not to tell my bro his couch had bugs bcoz it wud upset him. She made me sleep on the floor, airbed, couch etc and when one day my bro gave me his bed she told him he should not

I will add that my apartment is in a very expensive area in new jersey and this made mom verybvery jealous as well.

She kept comparing and creating rifts between the siblings.

My delivery was to be in winter and she said being from mumbai she and dad wont be coming for the delivery. I had a misunderstanding that my mil is not good, again it was created by my mum years ago, and we were alone during the delivery.

In the 9 th month i lost my baby boy at 36 weeks. It was medical negligence. My placenta had seperated, uterus ruptured and i almost lost my life as well.

After that i was very bitter with my parents, i used to think that my dads a doctor be could have helped if he had come.

Next,2 yrs went by.often mom realized her negligence with me and regretted not being here for the delivery.

I was upset at times but forgot and forgave and when i got pregnant again in 2011 i told them and invited them.

I wanted to give them a chance as well.

They came in march at 27 weeks pregnancy.

I was very very cautious and on bedrest. I was not allowed to move around much by the docs and we have a one bedroom apartment

They were very concerned about me and baby while they were in india. They would call daily. This pregnancy my life was in danger along with babys life. My dad genuinely loves me and i think he forced mom to come early. They have been to usa 5 times and this was the first time they would be staying with me anf first time they came for 3 months as opposed to one and a half months everytime.

Well i was very happy when they came but then it quickly turned bad.

It was march end and still cold for them. My mum feels very cold as it is. They started going out shopping and roaming around every single day. 2 times a day sometimes. I didnt mind but my mom would catch a cold and would be coughing sneezing constantly, she wold want the heater high etc and soon i also caight her cold. I would cough and sneeze and it would scare me bcoz last time my placenta had tore away for no reason n it put pressure on my uterus.

Me and my husband were so worried. We would keep telling them not to go out unnecessarily that this was a high risk pregnancy etc etc but they never listened. If they listened they would be upset and sit with a long face. It made us let them go out as much as they wanted to.

Also my mom would never sit with me talk to me etc, for her it was like she came here and i shud be happy thats all. She wud tell me my room is too ol when actually it was maybe a couple of degrees cooler than the living room bcoz of a fan on all the time.

I was on bedrest so hardly left my room. My dad wud come n sit with me all the time though.

I have one brother who lives closeby. Mom had issues with himas well after his marriage. This brother never cared much when i told him abtthesecond pregnancy he wud hardly come home etc.

When my parents came he started coming every single day.

I had a problem with that boz he hardly helped before. He would come and it woud be chaos at home n hubby wud come eferyday from work to find him sitting there in the living room.

My parents would leave at 6.30 every single day and o roaming, shopping, mall and drives and finally diner.

This was a daily routine and in the end all 3 wud ome home.

We didnt know what to do. With all this she also ignored me, showed signs of jealousy, comparisin between my apartment n my brothers whos living single these days as his ife cannot come to usa soon so his apartment is smaller and parents wud keep comparing

Amongst all this we had some arguments between parents and I and often my mum would then instigate dad and in turn he wud stop speaking properly with me.

We were just fed up of all this during such a tough time. My parents were always upset that we didnt entertain my brother much.

We wanted to get hospitalized as well bcoz of our high risk issues but doctor wasnt agreeing.

Then one day i felt some pinching pain at 34 weeks pregnant and we rushed to the hospital.

We were made to stay back.

I have to say we found so much peace away from my family. We were happy and they too were fine with everything.

The csection date was decided at 35 weeks.

My husband went to bring camera et from home and m dad asked him if he will also be allowed in the operation theatre bcoz hes a doctor. My husband said only husband is allowed.


Broken 4 years ago

We were just fed up of all this during such a tough time. My parents were always upset that we didnt entertain my brother much.

We wanted to get hospitalized as well bcoz of our high risk issues but doctor wasnt agreeing.

Then one day i felt some pinching pain at 34 weeks pregnant and we rushed to the hospital.

We were made to stay back.

I have to say we found so much peace away from my family. We were happy and they too were fine with everything.

The csection date was decided at 35 weeks.

My husband went to bring camera et from home and m dad asked him if he will also be allowed in the operation theatre bcoz hes a doctor. My husband said only husband is allowed.

I guess dad wanted to come but husband and i just wanted both of us there.

We told them come in the evening and they came. I had a baby boy. My room in the hospital was really nice.

Ok one more thing, i am supersitious and had not told anyone about this pregnancy, not my brothers wife, husbands brothers wife etc as we had a stillborn last time.

I told my parents i do not want anyome to knowwhenthe csction date is not even my brothers and the moment csection is one we can tell them. But later we involved everyone. But this hurt my parents.

Well day of the csection parents came in the evening. Mom made some faces and did not commnt at all when she saw pics of my baby, baby was in nicu.

We felt bad. That night they went n slept never called back

Next day her behavior had changed. She created million misunderstandings. She said she wont come to the hospial anymore as she caught a cold there.

She said shes not well so she cannot send me any soup etc. She said my dad and bro want to come. I said ifnthey can bring some food it will be good and she said no she cannot cook. Then she said shes not well so if they come she will be at home alone.

Well amongst all this i didnt invite my dad and bro to come as we were also hurt and my baby was in nicu.

3 days later mom started a fight with me. Kept saying she has cold and uti and imsaid plz go to brothers place till u recover as baby is weak and premature.

She felt bad and said no i will stay here its ok then she said beta be humble and down to earth..u didnt even invite papa and bro to hospital they felt so bad etc etc..and i started crying and said mom whats wrong with u what have i done to u. She said after so muvh seva if one and a half months u r crying and imsaid even u and dad had a vacation it was not just seva. Bas she went crazy. She started abusing me and my husband very badly. She gave very bad words and said hes a very bad son in law. He heard and took the phone and said what happened and she continued. She said we didnt invite them to hospital as we thot nazar lag jayegi brother ki etc etc

I hung up and wrote an email to my bros about the incident, the gaalis etc

Next day when i called them my dad blasted me. I said dad mom abused faizan yday. We r getting discharged today. Dad said hes called taxi n they r leaving for india. I said why wont he see the baby he said tum baby dikhana nai chahti ho. And went on and on.

Finally they fought again 2 days later when my brothers had come.

My older bro supported me.

I am tired writing and there is so much i can tell. After csection i hardly got any help as hey had left. My husband said after so many gaalis hes not goimg to stay with her under one roof immediately.

The end result is tat we said sorry and they said sorry but mom continues to backbite

They come home to cook for me everyday and r staying with my brother.

The problem is i am unhappy. I know how they r but i feel guilty that i troubled them.

What should i do. I have a newborn n keep thinking recalling the fight regretting my side mistakes, getting angry at moms evil nature etc etc.

Where do i go for help

Please i know thi is long and boring but help me. Am i at fault at all?

I will add my husband is a great on in law, has lwys forgiven them for their injustices to me. He is a good man, sensible educated and he says we r not at fault at ll, ll we di was to protect the pregnancy. Even after being abused he has talked to them fine.


Broken 4 years ago

Please help me


CaliforniaGirl 4 years ago

Hello Broken,

there is a wonderful website called www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

Or just google DONM.

They have a forum, I haven't been there myself, but I think it's quite active.

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/disc...


Broken 4 years ago

Yes thank u californiagirl,that forum is great i am already on it and have got some help


CaliforniaGirl 4 years ago

Hi Broken,

I'm so happy to hear that :-)


Broken 4 years ago

No responses:-(


Dana444 4 years ago

excellent book by Dr. Karly McBride "when will i be good enough" there is also her website. and she also does workshops now online...


Neyra 4 years ago

Last year, I wanted to initiate a family reunion event in Europe to try to heal my relationship with my NM mother, my half-brother and his girlfriend who is a carbon copy of my mom... What a selfish idea :)

In my dreams, we all say “I Love You” to each other, holding hands and singing something gentle and beautiful like “...I Love You, You Love Me, We’re a Happy Family, With a Great Big Hug and a Kiss from Me to You...”

Luckily, the course of events this year made me learn to let go and to face the truth: My childhood was not purple and Barney song is only on TV, possibly in some lucky people's homes. My childhood was more like a “Twilight Zone”. My NM does not get better. It only gets worse.

It is OK not to look back. It's OK to eliminate phone calls. It is OK not to have any desires to go back to my home town, to the old source of my pain. Thank you Old Mark, for helping me open my eyes. It is hard to admit it and to forgive yourself.

I do not love my mother. I feel sorry for her and I wish she was different, but I do not feel love and I forgive myself for that.

Thank you, Justthethird, for your writings as well.

Thanks to everyone else for sharing your stories and ideas, and thank you for your book recommendations. I'll check my local library and I’ll look for them online.

I wrote about five paragraphs more on what really happened this summer. The details don't matter. Bottom line is: I financially helped my family and in the end, I was labeled selfish and shameful. I was yelled at again. I am not taking it any more.

...

I don’t owe NM anything. She left me when I was 40 days old baby, she hated me all my life. She came back into my life when I was 7 because my grandma forced her to, but she left me again when I was 10.

She never helped me financially and all I remember is her emptying my inheritance bank account when my father and later on my grandmother have died.

I feel bitterness from all this and even though I decided to stick to my bullet point list I wrote earlier on this page, I still struggle with number eight.

...

Someone wrote: “...one interesting technique mentioned in the book is to find a photo of yourself at a young age and to frame it and put it in a place you'll see it often. You are to love the child you see in that photo, and to give her gifts and good compliments...”

...................

My therapist told me to do exactly that, to hug the little child inside me. Thank you for the reminder.

N


Rebel head 4 years ago

My mother wants me to believe she is always right. She tries to convince Im crazy. It's called "gaslighting".I hate it. She is the emotionally abusive narcissist.


Gail Meyers profile image

Gail Meyers 4 years ago from United States

I enjoyed your hub and my heart goes out to you. I was also raised by an NPD mother. I am going to link your hub to the ones I've done if you don't mind. Take care.


Neyra 4 years ago

I called NM today after she left messages on my cell.

...

ME: "Mom, did we tell you that Sonny's step mom has cancer? She was at the treatment center, and she went through several chemo sessions, waiting for another round. She lost all of her hair. "

SHE SAYS: "My hair is thinning. I lost a lot of hair recently".

......

Yes, I still call her from time to time because she calls my cell and leaves numerous messages if I don't call her back. At this point, I do call her but I don't talk about anything personal. I listen to her and I analyze her behavior like she is someone I know, but definitely not my mother. I managed to distance myself so I can't get hurt.

Peace and love to all.


Old Mark 4 years ago

To Neyra and the rest of you

I haven't looked at this in a while, as NM died a while back. That was an interesting experience, as it focused the mind. I didn't go to the funeral as I really couldn't stomach the idea of some eulogy from some stranger taking the funeral, going on about what a wonderful woman she was etc and seeing people who thought she was some sort of 'saint'. For to the outside world, this is the impression she liked to cultivate. I stayed at at home, half my family did not go and the half that did turned up on my doorstep later in the day to support me, so there was some comfort in that.

To try and help people further, for it is a very difficult thing to grasp, I will relay a little of my own experience: My parents divorced when I was ten, up until then there were horrendous rows and she only seemed happy when she was creating some sort of crisis. I was brought up by my father and grandparents. She had several affairs and remarried my stepfather. I was very close to my father and stepfather. My stepfather was diagnosed with cancer which was an incredibly difficult time as she hated the attention being drawn to him, spending the whole time whining on about what was she going to do when he was dead and how selfish it was of him to die before her. He collapsed and was taken to a hospice. She didn't tell me and when I found out, she refused, point blank, to tell me which hospice he had gone to. It was not difficult to find out, so I used to go and see him on my own.

She then tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose and to cut a long story short, I saved her life - the words of the medical staff. I persuaded them to let her out of hospital, but I got no thanks, all I got was that if I told anyone, she would call me a liar and nobody would believe me. However, some of my family knew what had happened.

My father then had a stroke and died and she was absolutely incensed that she wasn't in charge of everything (my father never remarried). It was pitiful to watch as she 'played her face' with everyone, demanding that she should be in charge, despite having been divorced for forty years. As my father's next of kin, major beneficiary of the will etc, this needless to say became a source of conflict, doing everything she could to undermine the situation.

She remarried again, her new husband was a kind, caring man, but pretty rapidly he started to realise what she was really like. In the short time that I knew him, I grew very fond of him, for he was a decent man. He dropped dead of a heart attack and my mother did not even tell me he had died, I learnt it from my eldest daughter.

I went to the funeral, where my mother gave me a tirade of abuse, so both myself and several members of my family left.

I relay this information to highlight the thing that, if you are still under the 'spell' of NM is hard to grasp: Read and read well:

She has not one shred of compassion or consideration for your feelings, because it is something she is incapable of feeling. Worse than this, she will get a sadistic pleasure from seeing you hurt. Such is the nature of the narcissist.

The problem that people have is that it is their mother. Something deep down wants to believe things are other than they are. But they are not. You're feelings don't count as far as NM is concerned. This gets worse if you have children of you own, as you find it incomprehensible that any parent could really behave like that to their child, so something goes on inside you searching for something to believe things are otherwise than they really are.

When you detach yourself, wake up to the reality, look at things for what they really are,rather than what you hope they will be, then you can cut free and move on. You have to face up to what you think and hope and want to believe is there, simply isn't.

You have to stay focused and strong. Personally I cut all ties and for what it is worth, that is what I recommend people do. If you do stay in contact, realise that it is a one way trip. Your feelings don't count and that you will be sucked dry of all emotion. Your hope that deep down, somewhere she really cares, simply does not exist.

There, I've had my say, and I do very sincerely hope that it helps some of you. But please do grasp the nettle, because I have done a lot of research in to this and until you do, you will never move forward.


OnlyChild profile image

OnlyChild 4 years ago

@Neyra--LOL Thanks for the chuckle. Here's one back.

I had my gallbladder removed a couple years ago and my husband and mother accompanied me to the hospital. As the surgery nurse explained what would be happening to me and checked me in my mother interrupts the nurse and says: "You know I had MY gallbladder out here 5 years ago and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

Well, the nurse just looked at her with a blank stare and my husband says, "Wilma SHUT UP. Today is not about you."

I just love that man!


Tonya 4 years ago

Hi All! Today is my first time posting however this site aas been a BIG source of comfort this year. I never knew what a narcissist was until I google mother and daughter relationships and Bam! it was like the covers were pulled offed and the secrets to my life were revealed. The who, the what and the way. I read the book "Mom Will I Ever Be Good Enough" and my life was in the first 15 pages...I couldn't put it down, sometimes I will cry, sometimes the reality of it all would be me to such sadness. There was a relief to know I'm not crazy or alone as you all know from child hood there is this feeling in our gut telling us that this isn't normal...

My life like many of you was full of pleasing my mother. She had me at 19 and both of my parents were made to get married(1974) so I wouldn't be a bastard and you know that's what I was told. SMH. So now with the task of all ways having to prove that I was worthy of being of being born since I F-up her life. My mom was a true stunner so my life was filled with witnessing different men in and out of my mom's life she was a true freak my step-father was exactly my teenage neighbor who rode the bus with me when I was in elementary school, he in high school. I know crazy, her and my dad separated when I was 5. The day that my dad left my uncle who I adored was killed in a car accident! Shit I'm left her with this bitch.

During all of her creeping session with other men on my step father I was ALWAYS her alibi so while she with whom ever I'm sitting in some strangers living room for hours waiting for her to finish her business. She would announce to my step dad that she taking me here or there to have mother and daughter time all this is what would happen. I think he knew it was a lie. The age difference is about 8-10 yrs.

My teenage years were pure hell the names she would call me and all the cursing was crazy. She would kick me out of the house often looking back at it I knew that only God kept me safe. We had moved to a different state (age 14)with no family to turn to. I was definitely a target for boys and men to prey on because of my home situation. I always felt out of place at school and some of my girlsfriends parents looked at me like a trouble kid and they didn't want their kids to be exposed to any of whatever was going on in my home. Thank God for the few that sowed into my life. By the time I graduated from high school I was living with a older guy to damn old when I look back at it. I was and still am a hard worker. I graduated from high school with my cosmetology license and diploma. In my early twenties I just wanted to distance myself from the misery of my past. When I met my husband he was close to his family so he would encourage me to be nice to Mom something he regrets now.

Anyway this year what led to this discovery. I have my own hairsalon Mom was there and my girlfriend who I've known since 10th grade (she has a NM also) we were about to have some girl time dinner and drinks. NM wanted in on some of the action cuz she has no friends of her own. I told her it's our time and I would see her later at home. So my friend went outside to have a smoke NM snatch her up for a hour ( I was finishing working) I knew NM was at wk my friend only went to smoke. So when my friend returned she proceeded to tell me NM was talking about me and my husband how he good to me and great with the kids but he has no money ( he was laid-off) and I work so hard. Y'all know. I was so sick by the whole thing cuz the reason for us to be under one roof was to work together she takes care of my elderly grandmom (who she abuses) perfect plan it seem my desire had been to take care of NM she makes little money. I confronted her of course I got the stone face and gas lightening. Instead of it going away as you know it just went to another level til she basically accuses my husband of coming on to her. Sick just sick... My husband through the years had been learned at this point that she crazy (15yrs) so he kepted his distance if I was home or not. She was jealous and wanted to come in between us for the first he and I were really working together and that was not going to happen on her watch. After this came the slander on the phone with my family out of state with her lies. It was pure hell her creeping around looking for a confrontation my nerves were shot. This was when I discover what a narc was and she in full bloom. We went about 4months of her foolishness then she left and that was too much. She took everything that was nailed down we even helped her move her stuff in the truck. At the end of the move she didn't want to return the keys. Showed up a week later in the pouring rain on a Sun with grandma in tow wanting to drop her off. Every week for about two months she would stop by unannounced and still doesn't call. Only person who I talk to is my uncle her brother on my side of the family no one else has reached out to me. It hurts but I just can't get on the phone with everyone to pled my case...it takes too much energy and I need to HEAL! I have a husband, two sons and a business to run all while rediscovering myself again. Sometimes I wish I could put the world on pause to get myself together. I now realize that I don't have to be a people pleaser. Now I notice that I ran my business that way worrying about other people budget discounting my services below other salons, while I offer excellent service and professional products. My marriage has been the same way more concerned about my husbands needs always above my own and kids,etc. I feel guilty for any thing that I do for myself and if I stand up for myself I feel bad inside for it. I have made some progress though. I go to therapy and I'm on anti-depressants for about a month now it's starting to help with the fear and anxiety. My husband and I have decided to move out of state next year (jun) we are even downsizing to a two bedroom apt to save money. I thought nothing would get me to give up my 10 year business but the thought of no contact and starting over where no one knows us (through this we realize that is mom is a NM) that's another story. There is sooooo much other stuff in between all of this but you guys and gals already now. I would read this hub during the storm of NM and it give me so much strength to keep going. But today I just had to let it out today. I feel like we need a conference or retreat because only you who walk through this really understand. I try not to explain it anymore. I give people my first 38 yrs the rest is for me and my purpose.

Thanks all


Rosieblue 4 years ago

Just spent a horrendous day with my NM mother. What I don't understand is that I even though what she is , that she will never change, that she is incapable of being nice or taking any interest in me and I have let this all go ( time and time again- over 3 years in therapy) but after a day with her I still feel so so upset.. she is just such a fucking bitch. Excuse my language - but those words are the only ones which will do at present.


Chewy Mommy 4 years ago

I feel like I am reading a description of my own mother! I had to leave the city I grew up in so I could escape with my sanity. It took years of therapy to accept that the verbal put downs and my mom's inability to mother me was not my fault. My heart still races when I see my mother's number on the caller ID. I hate that she still has the power to produce so much anxiety in me.

This was a great article. It stinks that other people have to deal with these types of moms but it is also comforting to know we are not alone.


Tonya 4 years ago

It's sad but calling them fucking bitches is to kind. More like satan's hitch men. @Chewy Mommy I definitely know of the anxiety of seeing "Mom" on caller I.D. Yet while we are still in the same city I FEAR! Blocking her out.

I really feel sad for some of my friends and people I know. When they talk about their mom's and I recognize N.traits. How to you tell someone pack up and ran far away your mother's toxic and making you sick...and it go over well????

It's like watching a pedestrian get hit by a Mac Truck that's just ran the light, drunk and high!


Rosieblue 4 years ago

Just saw my nm mum again- unheard of to see her two weeks running -I must have been out of my mind. She had invited me over - something that never happens and I was so flattered that I went! What a saddo I am! This is what I mean - I know what she is, but inside the small girl still hopes! She couldn't be mean to me though because her 'friend' - her next door neighbour, a woman about my age who lives next door to her was there. I'd heard of her of course - my mother never tires of telling me how lovely she is ,what a nice person she is , what a wonderful mother she is. Although they have been friends for years, she has never let us meet before. I expect she has told her friend how crap I am as a daughter.

Anyway - she fawned and fussed over her all evening. What did I expect? The woman said it was nice to meet the 'imaginary daughter' after so long.

My mum can only be nice to people who she is not intimate with. This woman is away from her own family who live in another country , my mum loves lonely, vulnerable people who can be dependent on her, because it gives her control of the relationship. That neighbour is welcome to my mother ... she can keep her. Manipulative old hag.

By the way Chewy mummy is so right - caller ID does that to me to - if I see my mother's name I break into a cold sweat.


Colleen06 4 years ago

I'm a 43 yo female and I've spent my entire life trying to understand the relationship with my mother. Why she hated me. Why she even had more children (youngest of 4). Why I was never good enough.

It was just yesterday that I was performing searches trying to understand yet again aspects of her personality and our relationship. Somehow, I came upon an article about Narcissistic mothers. I had only heard of the word, not truly understanding what it meant. After reading more, I realize after all these years I may have found the answer to what I've been searching for. I only wish I had known it many many years ago.

I feel like I'm now in mourning. Mourning the loss of myself. The loss of my mother. The loss of innocence and understanding.

All the years I felt worthless and ugly because that's what she told me. All the times I thought I must be crazy. All the guilt I carried for things I wasn't even sure I was guilty about but only because she made me feel that way.

It's almost overwhelming for me. I feel like I can finally let go of all the pain I've been holding in all these years. I no longer have to blame myself because I was a bad person. It wasn't me after all. It was her. I knew she had mental issues but still thought I must be a horrible child. Or she'd be a happier mother right? If I were a good daughter?

So thus the mourning. The letting go. Or perhaps I should see it as the awakening.

As a mom myself, I want to educate myself more on this behavior as I sometimes find myself being like her. It scares the shit of me. Now I know why I have certain tendencies and perhaps know some of it is learned behavior as it's all I've known.

43 is a better time to heal than never I suppose.

Thank you for letting me post. I feel like I've had a weight taken off just writting about it. It's time for healing. Here in this forum, I don't feel like I have to hide the ugliness I've had hidden but can be open with others who understand. I just don't know if others really get it.


Colleen06 4 years ago

I'm a 43 yo female and I've spent my entire life trying to understand the relationship with my mother. Why she hated me. Why she even had more children (youngest of 4). Why I was never good enough.

It was just yesterday that I was performing searches trying to understand yet again aspects of her personality and our relationship. Somehow, I came upon an article about Narcissistic mothers. I had only heard of the word, not truly understanding what it meant. After reading more, I realize after all these years I may have found the answer to what I've been searching for. I only wish I had known it many many years ago.

I feel like I'm now in mourning. Mourning the loss of myself. The loss of my mother. The loss of innocence and understanding.

All the years I felt worthless and ugly because that's what she told me. All the times I thought I must be crazy. All the guilt I carried for things I wasn't even sure I was guilty about but only because she made me feel that way.

It's almost overwhelming for me. I feel like I can finally let go of all the pain I've been holding in all these years. I no longer have to blame myself because I was a bad person. It wasn't me after all. It was her. I knew she had mental issues but still thought I must be a horrible child. Or she'd be a happier mother right? If I were a good daughter?

So thus the mourning. The letting go. Or perhaps I should see it as the awakening.

As a mom myself, I want to educate myself more on this behavior as I sometimes find myself being like her. It scares the shit of me. Now I know why I have certain tendencies and perhaps know some of it is learned behavior as it's all I've known.

43 is a better time to heal than never I suppose.

Thank you for letting me post. I feel like I've had a weight taken off just writting about it. It's time for healing. Here in this forum, I don't feel like I have to hide the ugliness I've had hidden but can be open with others who understand. I just don't know if others really get it.


Linda 3 years ago

The hardest thing about recovering from this is believing in yourself after so long of not doing that. I think that I am fairly bad at this because I only hear her voice putting me down or not being interested in any of my achievements. You start to think that no one else thinks you're any good either because its so normal for you to be hopeless or inadequate. Self-doubt is so destructive and I have wasted so much time with it. Realising that its her fault is only the tip of the iceberg.....you have to then find out who you really are and what you can do with your life. Its hard to break free of that mindset of fear of criticism or failing in her eyes...they become your eyes and your mind and thats evil.


AlexT 3 years ago

i am away from my NP at the moment. I have been healing for 2 years and I got "hook" back in and we were having good ocnversations and she was prioviding me with gift car beauty care pkgs and some $. But I soon forgot who she really is...Anyway I am working on pulling it my the roots and that is Shame. Shame is saying something is wrong with me flawed and defective and my mother instilled that along time ago. Shame drives all addictions too. Sense I am away from her I knopw I can get back on the healing track for me it can only be when she isnt in the picture. We got into on thanksgiving and I did feel guilty because she bought me things but didnt end up going to visit her in calif. I was drinking when i called and she hates my feelings specially anger. I was never allow to feel or have anger around her. i am getting sober again but for me and to heal this trauma and shame. Shame is a horrible emotional abusive thing to put on a child and then that BS has taproot into my aduult life. I know this will not happen but she never ever took one oz. of responsility for the harm she imposed on me. She actually told me she was good mother. WTF. I have learned alot about NP and I know she created the false self due to her own abuse as a child but how can I love her so much and she doesnt even love me back, I mean real love authentic love. It a pain that all of us know to well. I have had a very very tough childhood and adult life I have made bad choices for myself at times. I have been destructive as hell many times. I drank myself to oblivion to try to kill the pain. I have been drinking sense i was 13 now i am 48.

I am sober now and I have made a ocmmitment to stay sober and heal whatever that entails. We all deserve peace...


Test 3 years ago

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bluegirl19 3 years ago

(Part 1) Hi everyone. I’m so happy I found this site. I read half the stories (I come when I get time to continue where I left off), and omg, they are all so familiar to me. I’m 23 years old. My mother is 52 and my sister is 26. I’m not 100% sure she is a NM, but she presents the characteristics described here. We came to the states a few years ago after I finished high school, and that has been my salvation. Now I can spend my time working and studying and ignore her. I just don’t care about her, and I’m so happy she moved with her boyfriend a month ago (though she did it because she wanted to make my sister feel guilty for their fights and now is trying to get my sympathy…ugh). She is completely self-centered and has always been. I have recently realized that my relationship with her and my sister has severely affected the way I relate to people. My mother has exploited my sister’s and my "weaknesses" and claimed credit for our "achievements." For example she claims that we are in this country all because of her, when we were just lucky to get residence permission. She says that I'm a good student thanks to her (mind you, unlike my sister, most of my school uniforms were used and given to me by my cousins or my sister, and my mom didn’t even buy books for me. She didn’t even want me to print my assignments in our copy shop. Also, my school was totally free and its location was in front of my house, unlike my sister's school). But I became a good student just because I became self-sufficient since the time I internalized that I couldn't trust anyone to support me in any way and because ridicule is something I dread (so I didn't want to ask “stupid” questions ever).

During my childhood, my mother would always ignore me (even the things I received were leftovers of my sister), but when she didn't she would just put me down. The very few times I confided in her, she would use that information to make fun of me later on. She would ridicule me. And she would go and tell everybody in the family about things that would embarrass me and my sister. Like, if my sister peed the bed till she was 11 (Lol, I won't tell mine as it's just as embarrassing as that one), my mom would tell everyone in the family, and all of them would know our every misstep thanks to her. (But funnily, she would later remind us how everybody knew what kind of kids we were.) I remember that after my 6th birthday or so, she would often forget about my birthday's date. The excuse was that classes started by that time, so it was normal to forget about it. She would never go to any school parents' meeting, and whenever there was a celebration at my school (like mom's day and stuff), I would be one of the few kids whose parent wouldn't be there (my father was working overseas.) At least she wasn't like this with my sister at all.

When I would tell her that she was wrong (because she often was), she would go really mad and say I was a rebel without cause. In my country, they give too much importance to mothers and elders, so when someone saw me and my sister wouldn't cater to her every caprice, (according to my mom, who happens to be very charming to people) this person said we were bad kids. So, after seeing her ideas validated she truly believed that her kids, age 9 and 6, were really bad kids and things got worse. So, since I was 8 or so she was already threatening to call the cops on me and ask them to take me to some reformatory...for being "so bad." I remember she would beat me (with a belt and stuff), but for some reason I don't have specific memories about that...except for the day she was so mad at me for some stupid thing that she wanted me to bend down at my knees and ask for her forgiveness. She would also kick my sister and me out of "her" house. (She always made it clear that the house she bought with my father was hers since my father "only found the location and gave a little money" while her family helped for the most part. She has now gotten the house’s ownership and gets money as a landlord.) She would make us leave the house and close the door. She would do that every once in a while, since I was like 8 years old. After all, we were "very bad" and "someone" else has seen it herself/himself! (As for me, I would only remain outside for hours, trying to catch my sister to beg her to let me in. And when my sister was kicked out, I would look for any opportunity to open the door, look for her and ask her to come in.)

Also, she would go with her boyfriends and leave us home alone. The first time she did this (I was like 8), we were very scared something bad could have happened to her. But eventually we started liking it and longed for her to go. (Funny, but when we wanted her to go, all we knew we had to do is tell her not to go “please”; otherwise, she could decide to stay). My sister and I would watch anything on the TV, anything. So, I developed faster than kids my age (by age 9 my period had started, and at 11 I looked like 15.) Older guys started to look at me, but I was very insecure and didn't enjoy the attention. That’s when I started to disregard my diet and my appearance.

I started to look very bad. My cheekbones and teeth stuck up too much and I looked like a cadaver. My skin looked terribly, and my hair was a mess. That’s when the worse time of my life took place. In high school they called me ugly and made fun of me. Some classmates even made comments that they doubt someone would be my bf if someone bet him to. When a girl invited me to her birthday party, a couple guys asked her if she really was inviting ME! I was a good student, so that was the only thing that kind of counterbalanced the bullying. They wouldn't attempt to bring me down completely because they kind of respected that I was “the smart one”. But I was never invited to any parties. And, when the group of girls I hung out with in school made plans to hang out outside of school, they never included me. I was not only the ugly one, but also too serious. People looked at me with pity, thinking I would never be desired. It all affected me, but it didn't destroy me.

What destroyed me was realizing that I had no support at home. (In my country this is harder to bear than it is here since the “I need to look after myself first” mentality doesn't really exist there and people rely on their friends and family for support.) My mom would make fun of me about how bad I looked. She would look at me with disgust and shame. She would constantly make reference to my looks. (I started feeling fear and shame even when someone “caught” me looking at myself on some mirror.) I was (and am) a loner (I’ll explain why later. But, since my culture is not individualistic and everyone has a network of close people, this was very odd and so I was to many), so she and my sister started saying that nobody wanted me and made fun of me for that. They would constantly remind me how unwanted I was (because besides my solitude, my “weirdness” and “ugliness,” I was “the rebel with no cause” for standing up to my mother for decisions I considered unfair). Once I arrived home from school and started crying in secret, my sister caught me and started making fun of me because I was crying. She went to tell my mom the news, and my mom laughed with her. I didn't know where to hide my face and my pain. I just thought my sister was an idiot, but I started genuinely hating my mother. I couldn't conceive the idea that a mother could do that to her child, so I realized my mother was not a person I could ever trust or expect anything from. I don’t feel anything but resentment for her now. I don’t even care if she gets sick. (But these feelings had originated long time before because I always thought she made nonsensical tantrums for my not agreeing with her and telling her she was wrong instead.)


bluegirl19 3 years ago

(Part 2). But, to protect myself from the pain of having absolutely no one in my life, I started looking for ways to make myself feel better. Luckily, my mother hanged positive quotes on the walls of our copy shop (where my sister and I spent most of our time working by the way.) I would read them and try to make the most of them. When someone went to our copy shop to make copies of more positive quotes, I would make a copy for me. That was my escape, especially when I felt like dying inside. I would read any positive quote and bible’s passage that gave people strength to continue. Also, when I saw movies were the bullied ones became popular for some sort of destiny, I gained more courage and hope to change my life.

I decided, just as the movies’ bullied characters could start a new life in a place where nobody knew them and their stigma, that it was essential for me to leave my class (in my country we are a class with a distinctive letter all throughout the years, so if I end up in 1C, the next year I’m going to meet my classmates in 2C and so on). But, first, I needed to find a way to survive the bullying. I didn't want anyone to see how weak I was and how sad their attitude made me anymore. Plus, I had an extreme fear and shame to be pitied. So I learned to show a confidence façade to survive school. I pretended I didn't care about what anyone had to say about me as I had myself and that was all I needed. (As time passed, I learned to enjoy having myself only.) Also, when my sister and my mother would call me “weird” to make fun of me, I started fully embracing “my weirdness” and told them I was unique and different, "superior" to the crowd unlike them “and the rest.”

And, in the year we were living with my mother’s dad after someone broke into our house and stole our working equipment, I suggested my mother that it would be better for our economy if I studied nearby (I was also afraid she would threaten to not pay my commute to school). She was going to sign me up in a school near our new home, but then we moved to the old house again. I don’t remember what story I made up (I was never going to tell her the real reason why I didn't want to come back to my former class as she could use it against me) or how I convinced her, but she finally moved me to another class in the same school. This was in the morning (7am- 1, where most students where primary schools students and just one section was for secondary school students) instead of the afternoon (1pm-6, my former schedule), where you could find all the secondary students.

During the two years in the new class I could finally breathe better, but they all had their networks of friends and I couldn't get close to anyone. I made a new student my "friend" and we would hang out together, but there wasn't an emotional closeness, as I find it difficult to build one. As for my looks, I started trying to look more stylish and eating properly. And, when I saw my mother putting on makeup, I learned one thing or two. So, by the time I finished high school, I wasn’t “the ugly one” anymore. Now at 23 I have become an attractive girl who is “pretty” or “hot” in the eyes of many.

But, while I thought I had freed myself from the abusive relationship with my mom once I stopped giving any importance to her comments, I have just realized that my sister became my new “NM” as I have always tried to look for her approval while all she has done is bully me, tried to embarrass me, and sabotage anything I start to improve myself (ironically, it’s thanks to my mother’s latest “divide and conquer” comments that I have realized this.) And the scars are always there. I might not have harmed myself in the physical sense, but I learned to sabotage myself all the time (I think I’m addict to it because I just can’t stop). Also, I don't really trust anybody. I keep all my feelings to myself and never confide in anyone. I can’t verbalize my feelings most of the time and I can’t get emotionally close to anyone. I sabotage my friendships (except for a few great ones I met on the internet) and any potential relationship. I don't feel comfortable hugging or kissing anyone. And when someone makes things that show they love me, I see it but deep down I down believe it. I think they love what they think I am, not what I actually am. And when it is very obvious, and there's no room for me to doubt their feelings, I feel guilty...like I don't deserve their love. I also feel that I'm so damaged that I will just hurt them, so I end up sabotaging things. Or, I also think that once they realize how boring and uninteresting I am, they will leave me, so I distance myself from that potential pain. I don’t even think I could ever be a good mother or girlfriend because I feel stupid showing affection, and affection is what children and a partner need. So here I am, never having had a boyfriend, a kiss or even close friends I can talk to apart from the few I met through the computer.

Now I’m afraid I’m turning into my mother. When I’m in class, I unconsciously draw the professors’ attention with my energy (I say with my energy because as a quiet person I don’t speak, participate, or look at the professors straight in the eye), and almost always most of them lay their eyes on me while they speak. Some have developed crushes on me. I usually question why is it about me that causes this. But then I realize that the few times a professor doesn't pay attention to me, I take it as a challenge to be noticed until that happens. And I’m just thinking that’s just so sick. Why would I need to be the center of the attention! I'm also never satisfied with what others do unless I consider the results to be of excellent quality. I must admit that this also applies to myself as well since I don’t think I have done a good job if it doesn't look excellent in my eyes (lol, this text doesn't count as I haven’t even proofread it and I still do not master English). But, I come off as a bitch when people show me their efforts and I have nothing good to say because I think their work is mediocre and that they are not good enough to do it. I also hear everywhere that quiet people are good listeners, but I get bored when people are "talking and talking about themselves" "as if I cared" and telling me things about their lives I don't care about. I find myself often thinking their lives are so banal and they are so crowd-ish. It’s like I don’t care about them or the things they have to say. (That’s scaring me now that I reflect about it.) Then I wonder why I can’t get close to people!


bluegirl19 3 years ago

(Part 3). I don’t know about you guys, but maybe you also have to check out you are not turning into your mothers. I know this site is to vent a lil bit, but blaming others and acting as their victims is a very common trait in a narcissistic person, and that’s what most of you are doing with your mothers here. Yes, they have not been good mothers (in fact, they have been horrible mothers), but they are still human beings, victims of their own traumas. I think that this narcissistic attitude emerges as a defense mechanism people develop because they themselves have been neglected. I think this is their way to protect themselves from hurting; when the people they wanted love from (their parents) did not love them, they learned to love themselves to the extent they are the only thing they love (which I'm fearing is becoming my case). My mother would sometimes tell us about her childhood. She says that she lived with her grandmother and her dad and siblings. My grandmother was from a rural place, and wasn't treated well by my mother’s paternal grandmother, so she left and formed another family (all of who have contact with my mother and her siblings). Her dad (my grandfather) was never there for his kids. He was a mommy’s boy and whatever his mom did and said was right for him. But she treated my mother and her siblings badly, and while my mother’s dad gave his mother money to take care of them, she spent most of the money on her own children and gave my mom and her siblings the leftovers. My mother says her brother was an excellent student, but my grandfather didn't even notice this so instead of letting him apply for college, he made him join the military. My mom also says her father never noticed her accomplishments and didn't believe she was capable of anything even though she was a good student. This same man tried to steal “our” house twice (he feels he has that right because he lent some money to buy the house) through paperwork. So, yeah, they themselves are just repeating the vicious cycle their ancestors started (many of you have confirmed so by saying your mother’s mothers were narcissistic as well), and so could we. Just as myself and you guys, when people learn they can’t expect their mothers to love them, they protect themselves from hurting by focusing on making themselves feel better. But the thing is, just as this very fact turned our mothers into NMs, it could turn us to be one as well. Let’s not let that happen.

Sorry for the length of my story, but I needed to vent.


alex 3 years ago

I was cool reading all 3 parts of your story till I read qoute "

but blaming others and acting as their victims is a very common trait in a narcissistic person, and that’s what most of you are doing with your mothers here? end quote .

That is a very unfair statement and quite annoying. Everyone has there own journey of healing and I would truly stay on your side of the street and not analyies people here who are truly deeply traumatized. That is no way to speak about us who have had enough torture from NPD.

I highly suggest you read Dr. Karly McBride book for help. That book saved my life.


Vladi 3 years ago

Hi all,

Hope everybody is doing good, especially since discovering about nmp's, and that you're not crazy.

It's been a while since I don't write here. The past almost 2 years without all the toxicity of my nm (thanks heavens, we have no contact) , have been good.

I'm about to have my second baby (we have a girl at home, who has been enjoying true grandparents' love on my husband side, because my proud mother suggested not seeing me again since I dared to tell her upfront everything I thought about her poor treatment towards me and my family). We've been quite happy free from her. Except yesterday that I found out through a cousin that my nm is telling people she`s planning to come visit my sister (who lives in the same town) and me, and she wants to see her new grandchild.

I just felt like somebody punched my stomach just to imagine her around us again.

So, I had to ask my sister (who is the golden child). She immediately told me to not worry, that it was just for appearances, and that my nm has no interest whatsoever in contacting me again. By the way she spoke, my dear sister clearly showed me she`s completely on my nm`s side, and made sarcastic and painful comments that for a moment made me feel like a stupid, crazy, useless person., and of course terrible daughter to our "poor" mother. She even told me the whole family sees with regret the choice I made for a husband (him and myself know each other since many yrs ago, and when we were younger he cheated on me, and I told my mother and everybody, I used to tell everything always).

So, my sister pretty much told me they all hate my husband and have no respect for him (now I truly believe he`s changed, we have a very different relationship than when we were young, and we keep being together after a lot of life-episodes), and even told me that if it weren`t for us, if my husband and I weren't in the picture, my dear mother would be in contact and loving my daughter (like wtf!), but that we both were like 2 big obstacles for her to reach out on my daughter.

Of course, she also told me to stop talking bad about nm because she respects, admires, and adores her (it`s like a cult my siblings follow for my mother, I used to be like that, and I used to be terrified of her).

Of course, when the phone-call finished, I was disgusted, and now I understand more that I must be careful of my sister. I've always tried to trust her because of the sake of sisterhood, but there have been so many episodes where she is nasty to me and my family, that I can't keep looking somewhere else. I have another sister, who used to be my best friend, and who -thanks to my mom- "decided" not to speak to me again until I stopped doing "stupid things" like contacting my late father's family (whom my mother raised us to hate, and now that I'm in contact with them, I realize they are caring, sweet, and loving people, who got threatened to not look for us when my dad died 20+ yrs ago.

I'm thinking about keeping contact with my sister very low, again jst for the sake of the sisterhood, but right now I don't want to even see her face. She also tells my nm and the other sister many things of what I tell her about our family, and I asked her to stop that. She even told me my siblings and her felt shame for my "situation" of being alone, and that now they woulldn't worry that much because it sounded like I"m very sure of myself and of what I believe, and it seems I "gained" 2 new families (my father's and my husband's, who live in another country). By the way, she sounded so sarcastic and arrogant when she said this, that I just felt -again- my stomach turn.

Sorry, I had to take this out here.

What d'you think?


bluegirl19 3 years ago

Hi Alex. Thanks for replying.

I didn't want to come off as someone who doesn't understand what everybody has gone through. As a daughter of (what I think could be)-a-“narcissistic”-mother myself I know how hard that is. The effects are long-lasting and can destroy people’s lives and our whole sense of self. So, no, that wasn't my intention. But, as it is widely understood, people are prone to repeat the patterns they learn at home. And, sadly, as daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers, we are more likely than others to repeat the cycle if we do not make the conscious effort to break free. And I don't think this means we only need to cut off any communication with our NMs (for example I did emotionally detach from her long time ago, but the story didn’t end there). Maybe the healing process starts by getting rid of the main obstacle of our lives, them. But, we also need to look at ourselves introspectively and see how affected we are so far; though I do not mean with overly critical eyes, doubting our potential and shaming ourselves for being a certain way. No, that's not my point. My point is that we need to try to get rid of any trait that resembles our NMs' attitudes. For example, playing the victim is one of those characteristics (as they can’t do wrong, I’m sure they genuinely believe they’re victims). Now, I’m not saying that having the courage to openly admit our mothers have not been mothers is not right. But as you all know, a narcissistic person can't do wrong, so if there's a problem, the rest are the troublemakers and s/he is the victim...ALWAYS. The only problems that exist are their own. The only scars that hurt are theirs. Further, the others do not have a reason to be the way they are, in their eyes; they just are. (But I do think that even a criminal has a reason to have turned into one, you see. I don't know if this is the "right" approach, but I think most people who do wrong are victims of their own traumas and simply, as a protection mechanism, choose to harm themselves and/or others instead of acknowledging their issues.) So, yeah, I think that in failing to see their mothers as victims of their own monstrosity, some people here may be showing signs of the very thing we are complaining about. After all, if the NMs-who-had-a-narcissistic-parent/relative-themselves were to read this article, they would quickly recognize the traits in their parent/relative and remember how much they suffered at their hands…once again, playing the victim. But, as the narcissistic people that they are (they can do no wrong and they love their kids very much and treat them marvelously), they would totally fail to see themselves as one. And I do think that as children of narcissistic people, we have to make the conscious effort to not end up like that. Also, for those who recommend finding love in themselves instead of expecting it from anyone, look at me. To the risk of becoming a narcissistic soul, I have become extremely self-absorbed just because at some point I stopped expecting anything from anybody. So, yes, love yourselves, but don’t overdo it, because when you least expect it, you can end up loving yourself only, and thus, becoming a narcissist. So, for those who this applies (as in my case), maybe is better to get rid of the shame instilled in you that prevents you from openly giving love and showing your feelings instead of going into hiding and distrust everyone.

Now, I won't deny my mother is probably the very reason I have been having problems that have stopped me from moving forward. I also won't deny that she's still trying to incite fights between my sister and I (now that she moved out, she has been telling me my sister has been talking bad about me to our landlord, and that I should move out to a place she could get for me because my sister doesn't want my welfare. The funny thing is, before reading this blog and being reminded how she really is, I was falling into the trap). And yes, I do not like her and feel very annoyed by her presence. But, I don't know if this is because I have not learned my lesson, but when I think about her tough childhood, I pity her. I pity her because she is a wasted human being who, probably to protect herself from her own pain, has created a fantasy world where everybody must like her and love her. So, whoever threatens to make her see the reality that she is not as "good" as she thinks, is "bad." And I realize I cannot change her, but instead of acting as a victim of "my cruel mother," I prefer to move on. I'm not saying that we have to deny all the distress our NMs have created in our lives. No. But, let's see them for who they really are, victims of their own desires to be accepted, needed, admired, loved or liked (or whatever their reason is) and not get stuck in “my NM is the cause of my pain” forever. (They themselves probably just got stuck in the “I need to know others really admire me, need me or love to validate myself” phase.) Yes, they might be the cause of our pain (no denying there), but once we have been lucky enough to recognize the root of our problems, let’s move forward. For example, now that I have been able to recognize the root of all my problems (the toxic shame I have acquired thanks to my mother and my sister), I will not use that info to keep thinking about what they did and how “bad” they are. That is not productive in any way, as they are nothing but poor wounded souls with no fix and who can’t see beyond their fantasy world. (And let me tell you, how sad that should be! So, once we have emotionally/physically disconnected from them, why keep thinking about their “cruelty” when they are just being cruel to themselves!) Instead, I will use that info to heal myself by making the conscious effort to accept there's nothing I have to be ashamed of every time that feeling overwhelms me and tries to push me down.


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