Do You Know Where Your Car Is?

Do You Know Where Your Car Is?

CAPITAL: OMG!!!

Yesterday, the hubby and I decided to go see a movie; a matinee of course. Matinees are for "smart" consumers (translation: po' folk) who can't afford the night-time movie fees. Matinees are also for old folk who actually want to SEE the movie and not just hold hands, steal kisses, and cop a feel from the person sitting next to you. Also, you've got to love the new "Movie-Size" candy they sell in all the supermarkets and drug stores now, which saves you about 50% on that crap that they sell in their showcase. I always bring a CAN of Soda from home (no watered down fountain Pepsi with more ice than- well...watered down fountain Pepsi)! Besides that- I'm a Coca-Cola girl! Sometimes I will even stop by the Golden Arches and buy us a couple of Fish Sandwiches to go with our Cokes and forget about the candy altogether. The key is: carry a big purse and let HIM buy the tickets, lest the ticket taker gets wise and thinks something "fishy"...if you know what I mean.

Anywhoo...before leaving for the theatre, our grown up daughter (who lives with us, along with her 2-year old son), casually asked, "Where are you going?" PEOPLE, Listen Up! This is a RED FLAG! When a child asks "Where are you going", they do not particularly care one stinking bit where you are going or what you are doing...rather, they are "fishing". Fishing to find out if they are missing out on something that they might like to be invited to, or fishing to calculate how long you will be gone and how much time THEY have, to do what they probably should not be doing whilst you are away. REMEMBER THAT!! "Where are you going?" is NOT an innocent question, idle chatter, or a show of concern. Right away, that question, "Where are you going?", when posed by a kid, should tell you that some covert mission is about to go down.

So- why did I fall for it again? It's not because I'm stupid, because I am not- a little forgetful maybe, but not stupid. It's not because I trust this kid, because I don't. But sometimes you have just got to believe! You've got to believe that your kids will some day grow up, GET JOBS, move out, and visit you only on Sundays for dinner (every third or better yet: 4th Sunday!) So you believe that you can talk to your "adult child", as an adult (without the word "child" tacked on the end of that). Therefore, for most parents- telling a 25 year old that you are 'going to the movies', should be innocent enough and not something you have to lie about. Now don't get me wrong here- I'm a big believer in lieing to your kids: a HUGE believer, GIGANTIC!! For instance, I would NEVER tell my kids that I've smoked dope, done uppers (or were they downers?), had sex before marriage (in a park on the grass), that I once stole approx. 37 cents that was sitting in a CHURCH basket (now that could bring bad luck down on your family for life!), and I'd never tell them that I once dreamt that I made love to a sheep. OF COURSE I'M NOT SAYING I'VE DONE ANY OF THOSE THINGS STILL, for heavens sake!! I'm just saying that "IF" I had ever done those things or things like them, that I would NEVER tell my kids the truth! You know, things like: a little tiny smidge of "hit-and-run" on a car(s)....3x; or giving the old man an old "up and down" in the movies; or stolen a Rita Coolidge 8-track tape from a store. You know what I'm talking about. If I did crap like that (and again...I'm pleading the 5th on all of this stuff, because if you would lie to your own kids...why wouldn't I lie to you?) Naw.... I don't need to lie to you...the Internet is private, right?

STOP! STOP! I have to apologize here. I got off on a tangent and forgot what the heck I planned on writing about to start with.....

Oh...okay, I've got it! So lie to your kids about almost everything (not about the good stuff you or other family members have done- heck! That's filed under the category of "Encouragement"! All that bad crap would be filed under "Lead By Example" and the aforementioned (hypothetical examples?) would not be good examples for your kids now- would they? Okay, so here we are, back to where I started: the "Movie Story". What movie? We went to see, "Just Go With It", Adam Sandler and Jennifer Anniston. It was crappy and not even worth a Redbox dollar, never mind the cost of a matinee ticket. (That's another thing I have to learn: No more Sandler movies! I don't care if he's a New Hampshire boy and I'd like to support him, it sucked. He wears a Yankees Hat for God's sake! That should tell you something, right? And yes, I said: for GOD'S sake...my apologies to the government for using that word...NOT! ) Anyways- my recommendation is that you don't see the movie, unless you are a TWEEN...then you'll love it cause you get to see a few girls in bikinis. Oh yeah...it might be a good flick to go to at the higher nightly showing, because we know you are only at a higher nightly showing for one reason...hubba hubba....am I right? You KNOW I'm right! Don't lie to me! This is like cyberspace or something and no one will ever know who you are!

Okay, so we come home from this crapola movie and my husband says, "Your car is gone." I say, WHAT?!!!" And he says, "Your car is gone." And I say, "I FRIGGING HEARD YOU!" (I know, I know...he was probably thinking, then WHY did you ask me what I said if you heard me.... But come on! Men are soooooo dumb!! The WAY I said "WHAT?!!!" was just a term of disbelief! I didn't mean, "What?" See the difference? Exclamation points were added!!! It's called "INFLECTION" idiot!

So we come in the house and not only was my car stolen, but whoever pulled off this crime, stole our grown-Up daughter (did I tell you she still lives with us?), they also stole our 2 year old Grandson, AND they stole the SPARE CAR KEYS that are hidden away in a small Benefiber box where my husband keeps spare change, in the office hutch!!! "That stinking thief", I thought.... "he stole my CAR!!" (It's usually always a "he"- sorry dudes). I want my CAR!! .............oh wait...."lightbulb going off" moment here. My car- yeah...who wouldn't steal a 3 year old Honda Element with a half-tank of gas? But my Grandson and....HER.....NO WAY!!! No one would steal her...that's why she lives at home still! That's when I realized that it was an inside job! SHE stole my friggin car!!! My own daughter! My freeloader! My MISS-take!

Here's a little background on WHY we hide our spare keys from our daughter (and I guess you know, SOME ONE did not hide the spare keys too damn well now, did he?) But anyways, before I got this Honda, I USED to drive a 7-passenger Dodge Durango. Aside from the car having a Cassette Deck rather than a CD Player, it was a nice comfy little ride. Back then, "Little Miss Use-A-Lot" used to drive my Durango all the time: shopping, to school, to the boyfriend's apartment, and all over hell's creation (there...I said the word "Hell" and that should even me out for saying the words "God" & "Heaven" previously). Anyways, pre-Honda Element, I would tell "Little Miss Use-A-Lot" that I wanted my car back in 3 hours and she would stroll in 4, 5, 6, 12 hours later...wheneva! She used to say crap like, "I had to pull over off the road and sleep, I was so tired." Oh okay...you pulled off the road to be safe and you "slept" because you were tired. Aren't I lucky to have such a smart and wise daughter to sleep on the side of the road rather than continue on home WITH MY CAR! Come On! That is soooo dumb, it's uber-dumb!! It's dumb to the nth! It's Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious dumb!

Anyways, on one of these days that she was out cruising in my Durango, she just so happened to stop in a Phone Store to pick herself up one of those new fancy iPhones. Now seriously here, my next question will not win you a Million dollars on that game show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", but get serious, "How do you think, that less than a mile from home, all happy, fluffy, joyful she was- probably driving with the tunes cranked loud,....How do you think that the engine of my Durango ended up in the trunk of some other driver's car?" Well, you know that my lieing daughter said that the other driver started to go at the green light & then she stopped for a second, so of course it was the other driver's fault. Yeah right...then how come the police report didn't fault the other driver and how come the insurance companies faulted ME? If you guessed that Miss Thing was probably playing with her new iPhone while driving, then....Ding! Ding! Ding! You win the ficticiousMillion Dollars!!! Cause we both know that's what really went down...come on...place your bets that is what the hell happened! Cost to fix the Durango on our own and not claim it on the insurance - $750.00; Monthly insurance increase to us - $20; Daughter gets a new iPhone - Priceless!

Okay, so now you know why this !#%#! cherub, blood of my blood, heart of my heart is NOT allowed to use Mom & Dad's vehicles anymore. So back to the discovery of the "Missing Honda".... I called that sweet little iPhone right away and said, "WHERE'S MY !#!$%! CAR!! YOU STOLE MY CAR!!!! DON'T MOVE!! I DON'T WANT YOU DRIVING ANOTHER MILE CAUSE YOU ARE NOT INSURED AND I DON'T WANT ANOTHER @!$!@%#! ACCIDENT WITH MY CAR!! WHERE ARE YOU?? YOU HAD BETTER CALL ME BACK RIGHT NOW SO I CAN COME AND GET MY CAR!!!!" (Now take note here....if you belong to one of these ungrateful pukey type of kids, you will note that they are on their phones 24/7! they are texting and sexting and playing video games and checking the weather in Altoona, and they are doing everything on these phones...did I mention that they are on them 24/7? Yeah, but let a parent place a call to one of these kids, and I guarantee that 10 times out of....hmmmm....10, you will here this, "Please enjoy the music while your party is being reached, (and then you hear some rap song about some dude "gettin booty from a cutie, taste real fruity, it's my duty"....BEEEEEEEEEP....I can't come to the phone right now...leave your digits and I'll get back to ya - if I wanna...Peace.........BEEEEEEEP).

So now, she's received my message and the jig is up! I'm on my 3rd or 9th call in a row to that freakin' iPhone and Miss Thing finally picks up. I say, in as calm a voice as I can muster up, "WHERE IS MY $!@#! CAR??!!!" And she says, very calmly but with a hint of attitude, "I'm right here at Walgreens". I reply, very calmly but with a BIGGER hint of attitude, "DON'T EFFIN MOVE!!!" (Background geography here: Walgreens is a 3 minute WALK from our front door. We live in a typical small New England town that consists of 7 pizza joints, 5 tattoo parlors, 4 nail salons- run by real Asian people, there are 3 fireworks stores...wait...they just added another last week, so make that 4 fireworks stores; and...we have a Walgreens). Hubby & I jump back in his truck and drive the 3 minute walk to Walgreens to retrieve my car.

Now if you didn't think this kid was dumb before, maybe I can convince you of it now. I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, "Why did this chick risk stealing the car to go to Walgreens when the store is right next door to their house?" And you are also thinking, "And why did this chick wait almost 2 hours AFTER her parents left to go to the matinee before stealing their car? After all, we're talking an Adam Sandler movie here...not some 7-hour Kevin Costner "Braveheart" movie." (Was I right? were you thinking that? You was! I knew it!!) Okay..back to Miss Thing...who would LEAD you to believe that she only took the car for a teeny weeny beany schmeeny drive to Walgreens, but then the bird brain decides that she is NOT going to ride back home in that car with me; so she proceeds to unbuckle the Grandson from his car seat and pulls out a great big ol' Toys R Us bag, a Sally's Beauty Supply bag, some McDonald's Happy Meal stuff, AND an Medium Iced Toasted Almond Regular Coffee from Dunkin Donuts; as she sashays her a** home!!!! OMG!! We were only gone less than 2 hours!! And in that amount of time, she drove (or FLEW) in my car way out of town so that she could do some power shopping at at LEAST 4 different establishments that I counted!! When you add to that, the time it takes to buckle & unbuckle a little one from a car seat, she was haulin' a** in that Honda!! Another accident in my car just waiting to happen...not to mention that we have had at least 50" inches of good old New England snow this winter and the roads are still slick, the snow bankings are like great white mountains and you have to practically pull into the road to see if you can get out on the road! EEEPS!!!!! She was haulin'!!

You know what- at this point, I think I might welcome a car thief to come in, get the keys (they will be in a Benefiber box in the office hutch), but don't you dare forget to take Miss Thing and the baby...it's a package deal. Just keep on driving off in a "Cloud of Dust" and don't bother to answer your iPhone if anyone calls.... Trust me...it won't be me calling.

Peace out

5 comments

Reynold Jay profile image

Reynold Jay 5 years ago from Saginaw, Michigan

You are VERY FUNNY! THis is the kind of thing written by ANdrew Heller in a weekly newspaper column and could earn you a ton of money. If you want to make real money with writting, you could do it. RJ


Anita Sue profile image

Anita Sue 5 years ago Author

Dear RJ,

What a kind and flattering thing to say! You wouldn't be related to anyone who might be able to get me a job, would you? William Randolph Hearst, Ted Turner perhaps? You know, Life is Funny. It's also sad, & stressful, tiring, and sometimes mean... but if you don't laugh as much as you can...you aren't going to make it. I truly believe that and I laugh at myself and to myself (not in a scary way - I'm truly under control), all the time. I've got a warped sense of humor which I think I get from my Dad (God rest his soul. See...I can still love and admire and put him on a pedestal, because he never cheated on me!) I used to own a small "legit" sweepstaking newsletter. I found I had lots more fun writing my "Front Page News" page, than I did with the printing and publishing of the sweepstakes. My husband consistently comments on my looooong responses to someone's email, and suggested that I write some thoughts down here. I really wanted Erma Bombeck's syndicated column when she passed away (you know what they say: a "Window never closes without opening a Door"...or something like that. But I have never even tried the handle to see if the door was locked. Then I thought that I could take over Roseanne's job when she quit her show...but no one asked me to replace her. Anyways, to make a long response not so long- I just want you to know RJ...that you are my FIRST! My First follower, stalker, cheerleader...whatever. I am honored Sir. And by the way: I love that suit & tie! Classy! xo


Reynold Jay profile image

Reynold Jay 5 years ago from Saginaw, Michigan

Heres the link to Andrew Heller http://blog.mlive.com/flintjournal/aheller/index.h...

Go there and read True Grit and maybe a few others and you will see that you have the talent to do the same thing. In that you are a unique individual, you do not need to fill another's shoes as you suggest. Start your own column and you will razzle dazzle the world. If you decide to do this, write me and I'll give you an idea where and how to sell your column. Prepare a half dozen polished pieces as samples and post them here. THis piece about the car is two or three colums, so you would need to figure out how to break it up. ( Heller does that too). Part one, part two, etc. See his new years resolutions for a two parter.


Linda Earley Kolhagen 5 years ago

This Hub was so funny I could read your work all day. Keep up the good work!! Listen to what RJ has to say, he's a very intelligent man and boy can he write as you already know. Good Luck with your endeavors!!!


Anita Sue profile image

Anita Sue 5 years ago Author

Dear Linda, I am glad you enjoyed this Hub, Lord knows, we all could use some laughter sometimes (I could probably use more than others lately, since the girl still lives with me) Wishing you much happiness, and again- thank you for commenting!

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