Do you think it is necessary to have a relationship with your immediate family?

When Families Hurt You

Family units have become complicated and some broken and torn to the point of no return. One in five children will lose touch with one parent forever. How can our lives become so chaotic that we have become lost souls and unable to love our families?

I often write about love, friendships, and commitment, but how has the world become so torn on the home front? With a new generation growing up without both parents, we will see more hatred, crime, and less compassion from these children, to the point that families will become almost non-existent.

So do you think it is necessary to have a relationships with your immediate family no matter what? I say that sometimes family members will all but forsake you, leaving you with feelings of doom and gloom and treat you far worse than a stranger on the street. Is love enough to conquer and forgive all in a household, when that one person makes your total life miserable and does nothing to show you love.

I don't think it is wrong to keep family members who are undesirable at arms length and not let them invade your life if they are negative and have full blown hatred towards you. I can say there have been family members in my immediate family that I have not loved and it was not because I didn't try, but because it was all but impossible. I forgave them, however the relationship was completely broken, damaged, and irreversable.

I think we all start out in life wanting to be loved by everyone in our family but sometimes the damage that is done is hard to get out of and correct it. Everyone has their own ideas of what a relationship should be, but I think if it is unhealthy then no you don't need to have a relationship with them.

Sometimes in life we just have to move on from people who mean us harm and don't care about us. It doesn't mean you can't love them but sometimes you just have to love them from a distance. If you have to do this and you tried your hardest to make amends, then move on and not let your family ruin your life.

Can you ever repair the damage?

My children and I have had strained relationships on and off during the years. They are both grown men but communication sometimes gets twisted. It is very hard when your children choose not to talk to you for a long period of time because of them just being selfish. But I am selfish I guess also but at least I can admit our down fall. When our relationship is good its good but when its bad its just bad.

We just have the I am the one that is right syndrome and I am sure there are many families that can say this also. I am stubborn and so are they. Well DUH I had them and they are part of me so this is just one trait I passed on to them.


You don't understand mom
You don't understand mom

Families do not always mean your blood relatives

I have two groups of ladies that I talk to on Facebook. The first group are childhood friends and classmates and the second group are ladies I met on the internet that all have the same connection in one way or another. I consider them my family. We have not seen each other for years or not at all and we connect like family. We pray for each other, give each other advice and when we are happy we all are happy. When one person is down we all feel it. I have learned to love these ladies just like they were my sisters and it feels good to have real friends that can relate to how I feel. Just because your immediate family does not want a relationship with you, doesn't mean you can't have relationship with a made up family. They may prove to be better then your blood relatives. We all need to trust someone in our lives with our most precious thoughts and needs.

Families who hold prejudice grudges

Here we have the family unit that won't speak to a member of the family because they are gay, or with a person not of their color, or not of their nationality, or because their partner has red hair. I have lived through the prejudice of marrying out of my race and having mixed children. I have never let this stop me from being who I am. I would rather live with my black husband and be happy then live with my family who would disown me because of something that stupid. People are people and it doesn't matter their race, religion, or natural origin that makes them who they are. It's what is inside that counts. If your family does not want you because of these reasons then you need to decide what is more important in your life. You being happy or making them happy.

Do you have a relationship with your family

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My parents

You would think this handsome happy couple would make a wonderful family but all they caused was heart ache to their children.
You would think this handsome happy couple would make a wonderful family but all they caused was heart ache to their children. | Source

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Comments 12 comments

Charito1962 profile image

Charito1962 14 months ago from Manila, Philippines

Hello, Ms. Cheryl. To answer your question, yes, I believe it is necessary to have a relationship with our immediate families.

I'm saying this because I grew up with loving parents and 5 siblings. And now that my parents have passed away, my siblings and I still get together with our spouses and kids.

I firmly believe that the unity of the family is what will bring about a society where peace and order would reign. I may sound idealistic, but I do think that if more estranged couples or broken families reconcile, a more humane society would prevail.


Charito1962 profile image

Charito1962 14 months ago from Manila, Philippines

Hello, Ms. Cheryl. To answer your question, yes, I believe it is necessary to have a relationship with our immediate families.

I'm saying this because I grew up with loving parents and 5 siblings. And now that my parents have passed away, my siblings and I still get together with our spouses and kids.

I firmly believe that the unity of the family is what will bring about a society where peace and order would reign. I may sound idealistic, but I do think that if more estranged couples or broken families reconcile, a more humane society would prevail.


wordswithlove profile image

wordswithlove 2 years ago from Pennsylvania, USA

Cheryl, great hub, and I would normally say a lot about my own feelings when it comes to family, but I would probably end up writing an essay. A lot of how people feel about family clearly comes from their own experience. Families are often torn apart through marriages gone awry, which in turn leads to some catastrophic consequences in the old and new relationships being fostered. So, we need to focus on the marriage part. I have rarely seen a family split up and have long term dysfunction if the marriage is a successful one, where both parents have learned to grow together and nurture the offspring as equal parenting partners. That is a unit that is not shaken by disturbances which can still occur. However, that "successful" marriage is quite a rare phenomenon in our times. We are raised with high expectations leading often to disappointments within marriage, leading to further breakdowns and resentment and all sorts of complications. Even in less than ideal marriages, those partners that are willing and committed to adjustments and compromise will find some degree of success in holding relationships together. I know that for people to live amicably together in any relationship at all - marriage, siblings, parents, even friends, there needs to be mutual respect. If we cannot respect each other, the relationship is lost. To hold on to it is foolish, yet we cannot always cast away families. Something in human nature binds us to those we are connected to, even if they are a rotten connection! What we need to do, probably, in my limited wisdom, is to accept and reconcile that we will have conflicts and breakdowns, but never to close the door to anyone but the most callous, because life's journey could some day bring someone back into your life you had given up for lost. We live just once and anger and hostility simply destroys the best in us.

I have also had many turbulent relationships with some of my near and dear ones (formerly!) and have gone without speaking to them for years. But time fades many things and when you meet someone after years with whom you had sworn you would never interact, sometimes you find yourself re-opening the window to your heart. It just happens.


DeborahDian profile image

DeborahDian 2 years ago from Orange County, California

This was a fascinating article. I thought your poll should have a third option: "I'm in touch with my family and see them occasionally." I think a lot of people fall into that category. Ann Landers used to tell people that they should minimize contact with toxic people, even if those people were close relatives. I think that is wise. I also believe the old saying that "friends are the family that God meant us to have." Friends can be such a blessing.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Cheryl.....Gosh, how sad that your Mom did this. Perhaps she was merely repeating her own upbringing and knew no better. It can get complicated, dont' you think?

I have no problem believing this Cheryl, because realistically it is the Adults in each generation who help to form the family bonds. They set the example and guide the little ones. I saw this growing up, quite blatantly in my family. We were encouraged to be close......shown how to care about one another, etc. One might easily see it as a form of healthy (?) brain-washing...LOL.

This is an intriguing topic, but then, anything involving human behavior and family dynamics can fill a MUSEUM with volumes!

I'm an animal lover and applaud your rescue activity. Bless you!


Author Cheryl profile image

Author Cheryl 2 years ago Author

Thanks for your input Paula. This hub was actually started from a question someone asked. My family has been a broken family but only because my mother raised us that way. It wasn't important to her for us to stay together. I have one sister out of four that I am close to. The others we may talk once every three years. I fill that void by rescuing animals that have no voice and give unconditional love no matter what.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Cheryl....I found your hub quite interesting. It's the word, "necessary" that troubles me. IMHO, I don't believe it's "necessary" to have a relationship with ANYONE, you choose not to include in your life. It matters not whether they are family, non-family, co-workers, neighbors....Last I heard, we are not only free to make these choices, it would be senseless, often harmful to FORCE or feel forced to have a relationship with an individual we simply do not care for, cannot get along with or expressly want to avoid.

Having said this, although I know there are many many family units that have been destroyed forever and even more who remove themselves far away from one another.....in all honesty, I cannot begin to fathom the concept. In my life experience, "FAMILY" is absolutely everything. I truly know no other way of life than to be very closely bonded with and totally loyal to family.

For me and my family, this thread runs true for each and every one of us. By family, in our case, I refer to parents, grandparents, aunts, Uncles cousins and in-laws. Children & grand children being the most precious of all.

It is just the way that it is. Believe it or not, I was a teen-ager before the brick wall hit me in the head and I realized that not ALL families were tight and devoted. My only sibling was my dearest closest friend and she will be forever, although quite tragically we lost her a few years ago. The "cousins" in our family are as close as siblings and treat one another in this way......I won't belabor this. I think you can see where I'm coming from. I have known for years now, that what my family and I have is rather rare. I feel very blessed. I did write a hub on families that explains my position further.

The hard core reality that there are families who part ways, have no contact, much less fondness amongst themselves and really couldn't care less, literally breaks my heart and I truly feel a sadness for people who have such an incredible void in their lives.

Your hub is beautifully written. UP++ Peace, Paula


Author Cheryl profile image

Author Cheryl 4 years ago Author

Thanks for stopping by Eiddwen


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

So very interesting ;take care and enjoy your weekend.

Eddy.


Mardi profile image

Mardi 4 years ago from Western Canada and Texas

I think you have touched on a very important point. Work towards a relationship but it if toxic or abusive then you have to cut your losses. Forgive and move on is the healthiest option.


somethgblue profile image

somethgblue 4 years ago from Shelbyville, Tennessee

Yes, love them from a distance and show patience and tolerance, is all that you can do. After all once you love someone it doesn't stop it may diminish but the love is still there.

The sixties was an concerted effort by The Powers That Be to destroy the American family as they knew it was America's greatest strength. So they promoted promiscuity, drugs and Rock N Roll and it worked by the '70's and '80's divorce was on the rise and latch key kids became the norm.

Now by creating an economy where in the shrinking middle class both parents have to work they have continued what they started. This was not an accident but the creation of a plan by many well known think tanks in the Washington DC area to continue to break the American family up.

Now when Families need each other the most it has become far easier to divide and conquer the public, do not for a minute think this is a coincidence!


catalystsnstars profile image

catalystsnstars 4 years ago from Land of Nod

Definitely on point, thanks for answering the question in a hub.

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