Dreaming of a Father!
Yearning for a Father's Love!
The Loss of My Father's Love:(
Dad, I had another dream about you, this seems to be the way, I get to spend time with you. It is only in my dreams I feel your caring touch, or see you face to face. It is here we can actually be true to self and honest with another.
My heart has so many scars and wounds from the lack of love with you. Yet why do I still long for a love I've never had, a love never shared, a love that should of been between a father and his child.
I guess there are many things, I will never understand about my earthly Father, who claims to be a man of God. I thank God that I have been given a Father in Heaven to understand me, to help heal my wounds. Many times my heart has grieved with pain from the depths of despair, left in my heart. I do have to ask my Father above to heal these wounds of love.
It's hard to understand a father rejecting his child, all in the name of love. I see where Jesus felt rejected, when God His Father in Heaven had to leave for a moment in time....while Jesus bore the sins of the world. Just as children bare the sins of our earthly father's. It is only God who can lift us up and restore our hearts back to love. The love Christ has for us.
There is a love we have for our father's even when they don't deserve it, even though they have turned their backs on us, and have not claimed us as their own. We as children truly want to be claimed, so that we can claim them. If only they would want to love us, so we could wholeheartedly love them from the depths of our souls.
Our very being that exists, is by the very person who has abandoned us! It is they who make us feel worthless and unwanted, sometimes from the beginning of our time. Whether you are young or old....a parent who turns their back on you can cause excruciating pain. The tears of my heart weep with sadness over the loss of my father's love:(
We want our hearts restored, but us infallible human beings can't begin to restore what we do not have. No man can restore what the God of our souls can do for us. God can fill the depths of our hurt and fill every void, every crevice of our hearts with His Living, Breathing, Cleansing Spirit of Love.
To continue in despair is to focus on our hurts. So to regain strength and wholeness we have to focus on the one who truly gave us life, not our earthly father's. Looking up to The Father above, who can give us His Strength and Love:)
The Poem of Your Life - Michael Card
update since this writing
I have had some time with my Father in 2010, it was a very hard thing for me to see him. It had been 10 years, since are last time together. What was interesting for me...is that it was him, who knew how long it had been? As if he was keeping track.
The invitation to get together with that side of my family, was last minute. I didn't know if he would be there, but just in case I was planning on going. Then it seemed allot of other factors came into play...that gave me all the reasons in the world not to go. There was a spiritual battle going on...and I was in the middle of it. As uncomfortable as it was and the anxiety I was having, it all came together to get out the door, and hit the road.
Even after we arrived, I knew if I was able to have any time to talk with him, it would be short. So I purposed in my mind and heart, that it wasn't going to happen. Well I was wrong, we did get to talk in private. (not sure if there were any ease droppers in the hall?) What was hard is that I knew this would be the only time we would get to talk freely, (again) in a long while. There is so much I wanted to share, that I didn't get to share. Writings from my journal, sketches depicting things God had revealed to me...for the purpose of healing for my heart.
With out trying to spell out the details of that night. I have to say, there was more lies in my life than I knew. Feeling like a fool, for believing things that had been said to me, that I harbored for years as truth? I came to understand that my Father does love me, yet I know the circumstances of his new life away from us many years ago...is complicated. Whether I like it or not, my siblings and I were not included as a part of this new life, and new family...that replaced us.
Since that night meeting, I know I was meant to be there and we were meant to talk. Healing has continued in my life, and that was another big part of the void that had been in my heart for so long. My Father's compassion and tears helped cleanse the dirt and fill the crevasses of my hurt.
It is interesting to me, that even when we think God has healed us in major areas of our hearts...that He continues to do a work in us:) Wanting to complete in us, what He has started. Fulfilling a purpose in and through those, who have chosen His ways and love for their life.
Thank you to my hubber-friends for being there for me, when I have expressed such deep hurts. Encouraging me and supporting the writings that have come from my heart♥
- Surrendered Ground
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