Feeling Of Guilt By Keeping A Parent Alive

Have you ever had such a feeling of guilt even when you thought you were doing the right thing? Have you ever had a feeling of guilt by keeping a Parent alive? I have, and I feel I have to write this as hard as it may be to do, just for me. I have to express my feelings on paper and let this out in the open once and for all.

As I have written on previous Hubs regarding what a great childhood I had with such terrific parents. I couldn't have ever ask for anymore than they gave me and that was nothing but the best. We were a very close family just the four of us. My Mom and Dad and my little Sister. They taught the two of us the true meaning of life, love and respect, and to love as you would want to be loved.

As we all know, our parents do the very best they can to bring us all up in a world that has many ups and downs. They try to teach us what is right and wrong, (at least my parents did)

Being a parent myself, I can tell you it's a tough job to raise children the way we brought up. Our world today is a little different than it was back in the 60's and 70's. More crime, more murders and violence and so many other things that have changed in our world today.

Our parents take care of us all though our young years until it's time for us to go out on our own. They comfort us through all our childhood illnesses. They protect us and love us like no other.

Then, there comes a point in our lives that the tables are turned and we now have the responsibility of caring for our parents when they become ill or just not being able to care for themselves anymore due to their age and declining health.

This is my story and my feelings of guilt, of the unnecessary pain and suffering I had put my Mom through because of me being selfish.

My Dad passed away back in 2002. My Parents were very close and when Dad passed away my Mom began to get very depressed. We had a shore house in which we were always there every summer and they were together pretty much of the time, even at home.

When a spouse passes away, it is so tough for the other parent to get through it. My Mom continued to go down the shore with my sister for about two more years, but it became difficult for her to keep it up due to missing her husband. She really lost all interest in the shore and pretty much everything else.

She stayed home most of time alone being very depressed and continuously crying. My sister and I always kept a check on her many times a day by phone or just stopping over to the house to spend time with her.

One day my sister called the house from her job to confirm their lunch date later in the afternoon, and there was no answer. So, she called a few more times and still the same, no answer. She left work and went to the house finding our mom on the kitchen floor, bleeding and a broken hip. She apparently was lying on that floor for hours and not in reach of a phone to call for get help.

Mom was a very strong person, the kindest and most giving person you could ever know, wanting nothing in return, but love.

She was rushed to the hospital where they confirmed the broken hip and ran some blood work. What the blood work results said that she had an infection of some sort. My mom was a very healthy person, going to the Doctor's office often to make sure she was in tip top shape, which she was until her fall.

They gave her a large dose of antibiotics for the so called infection. One of the Doctors came in to talk to me and my sister regarding some false readings in the blood work. They explained, that they didn't understand how one vile of blood read positive and the other negative.

I worked in a hospital for 10 years and I have seen many things. What I witnessed when the lab tech drew the blood is that she dropped one needle on the bed sheets, picked it up and continued with drawing the blood for the second vile. As we all know, that dropped needle is no longer sterile anymore due to being dropped on bed sheets. So, I told the Doctor what I had witnessed and she could not believe it.

I told her, "believe it because I saw exactly what happened". Well guess what, they had already gave the antibiotics to my mom prematurely. She was sent to a room being shared with another patient.

Little did we know that this roommate had (C-Diff). My moms phone rang and that patient picked up the phone and handed it to mom. Well, there you go, it's the start of a long and painful journey to survive for my mom.

She got (C-Diff) from that patient that should of been in quarantine. The hip surgery went terrific but the infection took over very fast.

It was the start of months of suffering for her, getting some what better for a little while and then relapsed and began down hill again. It was so bad that she had two cardiac arrest because of the severe strain her body was going through because of the intestinal infection called (C-Diff).

She finally was released to a nursing home when they saw much improvement and continued her medication to cure the infection.

She was put into her room and you will never believe it, that roommate had (C-DIFF). While my mom was heading in the right direction to being healed, she got it again from that patient,but this time worse than the first.

Apparently what I had been told is that this infection was running out of control in our state.

She had another cardiac arrest, but this time she headed to ICU and put on a respirator for days. She overcame it again and weened off the respirator a little at a time until breathing on her own again, thank God.

The meaning behind this story, is that all of these months she suffered and getting better and going downhill, like a roller coaster was my fought because in her Living Will it specified in writing and by my Mother's words, "Please NO Resuscitation".

There was even a time that they had to keep her on the ventilator while scanning her abdomen as it was getting larger and larger as the hours went bye. My sister fought with me, crying and screaming, that mom didn't want it this way, PLEASE let her go, PLEASE!

I didn't listen to her and I signed the papers to keep her alive a due what the have to do.

Why? Because I was greedy and selfish, I just wanted to have her in my life for a little longer, not thinking of the pain and suffering I was making her go through time and time again. And after all the selfishness on my part, in the end she passed away anyway in pain.

I can't help but feeling I'm the blame for her suffering, but I know deep down she knows I meant well.

GOD BLESS TO ALL and MY MOM!



                      A TRIBUTE TO MY PARENTS "LOST WITHOUT YOU".

© 2010 Mark Bruno

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Comments 4 comments

angel115707 profile image

angel115707 6 years ago from Galveston, TX

That is so sad. Perhaps at the time ,you were under alot of stress and had hoped she would come through it better off. It's hard for anyone to make a clear headed decision in those moments, usually.

I still have to hold my mom sometimes, after she lost her parents. Her father refused to quit smoking after the cracked his chest open the first time, and then lung cancer got to him and he died slowly on hospice, he refused to go back to the hospital and get chemo.

After that, her mom was depressed and would not do anything, my aunt and mother went through alot to get her to want to live outside the nursing home, but she refused. She was afraid of death or dieing alone, so she wanted a nurse on becking call and to not move from her bed, this went on a few years. Quite a few lung infections, and heart attacks in there, before one day she told my aunt, she saw my grandfather saying "come on Gene lets get ready and go." and the next day...she went in a coma and cardiac arrest, and died withen a few days....my mom was so angry..."why couldn't she wait till I got there before she lost consciousness" she said she stayed by her moms side for those few days of her coma, and was pressured to leave for sleep one night, then the call came...my mom rushed and her hand was still warm, but gone....My mom lost her mom right after Hurricane Ike destroyed my parents home....I feel so bad for her....I cry sometimes just thinking about it.


6hotfingers3 profile image

6hotfingers3 6 years ago

None us truly know how we will react when under severe pressure to do the right thing. That's because the right thing becomes cloudy and murky. We have a difficult time separating the emotions from the facts. Finding a way to forgive ourselves is the blessing given to us by the loved ones that passed on. If you did the best you could under the circumstances, that is all they wanted. They've already moved on to a better place. Now you must move on and live the life you're blessed with.


RTalloni profile image

RTalloni 4 years ago from the short journey

It's so difficult to deal with the circumstances you describe. "No resuscitation" wasn't quite so clear cut when your mom was so sick due to "unnatural" causes. You probably would have felt differently about the situation if she had been dying of old age, but the specific series of events changed the face of things, and clouded the whole picture. I've been there and know that under those type circumstances it is hard to know what to do.


the clean life profile image

the clean life 4 years ago from New Jersey Shore Author

RTalloni- Sorry it has taken so long to reply to your comment. Thank you for your comment and I am sorry to hear you too had to go through such a horrible thing. As time passes I do feel less quilt but it will always linger in my mind.It is so hard to lose someone in your life that you love so dear and especially a parent that brought you into the world, but I am sure we will meet again someday.

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