Getting By After a Divorce

During these times, in the 21st century, there seems to be more people getting divorced than any other time in history. Why do we think this is so? Is it because too many people are casually getting married before they are ready and therefore leads to divorce? I know there are too many young girls getting pregnant and the statistics of unmarried young mothers without their “baby’s daddies’ in the picture is even more staggering. But that’s another hub. So my point is people are getting divorced more now for various reasons. In this day and age, there are a lot more temptations out there than there used to be. People are spoiled like they weren’t before and they have grown up in families where they either come from a broken home themselves or come from a home where family is not that important and they weren’t shown the ways in which a real family should act.

 

Parents haven’t had control of their children for quite some time now and you see that everywhere from the supermarket to the mall. Children are definitely in charge. I witnessed a girl get so angry at her mother and made her feel so guilty at a mall once because her mother wouldn’t buy her what she wanted. The mother finally gave in and bought the girl what she wanted. I thought, wow times have changed. In a divorced situation a parent needs to be in control of all situations when it comes to the kids because during this time children may act out even more and therefore therapy possibly may help in situations like this.

 

The American family is on the decline today and it is very disturbing. I don’t claim to know the reasons why, maybe lack of God in their lives, maybe people do not want to save their marriages the way people used to. Divorce is easy nowadays. But one problem is I don’t think that people think it through the way they should and find themselves in situations where it is hard to take care of themselves and their children, mainly woman I am speaking of and therefore end up hooking up with the next guy that comes along and you can bet dollars to donuts that the next guy has his own set of baggage to bring in the relationship.

I am the last person to give any kind of advice about marriage, (ask any of my ex-husbands) but I am an expert on divorce and how it made me feel.

I believe when someone gets divorced that no matter what the reason for the divorce, this person is in pain. I was married for many years to a man that was abusive so when I finally broke the ties and I say finally because I went back to him many times until I finally filed for divorce, and that is the case for most abused woman and men. They are in pain and in a sense they are in mourning of the death of their marriage. Even though I was so glad that my marriage was over, I still had all those years that I thought were good and felt like they were a waste and also felt guilty for so many things. So there is a mourning period involved.

Especially in cases where infidelity is concerned. There is so much pain on both sides of the fence regardless if you are the victim or not. In cases such as this, a person really needs to figure out if this is something that they can live with or if the hurt is too deep that they would only be hurting their children and their mate by staying together.

This is another reason why at this time, it is not a good idea for you to go out and look for someone new. Sometimes people have a new guy or girl before the ink on their divorce papers are even dry and this is the worst thing that you can do. A person needs time to heal inside and love themselves again, how can they love someone else again if they don’t even like themselves. There is definitely a healing period and it varies from person to person but my advice is to let it happen naturally and give yourself time to heal.

Another thing is, if you have children and you are ready to date. There is nothing wrong with that, I think it is a good idea for children to meet the people that you go out with, but in no case should you move someone into your house when your kids are small and so impressionable. There has been so many cases where boyfriends abuse children of their girlfriends and this to me is the best deterrent to not ever bring someone home that you do not know that well and move them in when you have small kids. I know times have changed and you see this happening many times but it doesn’t make it okay. A woman and a man who is divorced and dating should think about their children before they think about anything else.

Another thing that is very important is to make sure that you do not trash your ex-husband or wife in front of your kids, kids do not need to hear this and it makes them feel bad and many times they blame themselves for the trouble between their parents and also feel torn between them. Don’t expect your kids to take sides because that is just not fair to them and will only leave them embittered about the whole thing. You have to remember that your kids love their father and mother and they do not like to hear a lot of trash coming from you about them. Chances are they are way too young to deal with this kind of talk and most of the time confuses them. Their young minds cannot deal with it.

I guess what I am trying to convey in this hub is that divorce is a life changing occurrence and it will take some time to get over all the bad feelings and blame. But like everything in life, you have to make the best of every curve that life throws at you and if you just use your head a little and think about things more clearly, than you will be a much more happier person without bitterness that so many times follows divorce. The next thing that will bring peace to your life is forgiveness, forgive him or her and most importantly forgive yourself.

More by this Author


Comments 36 comments

msorensson profile image

msorensson 6 years ago

You brought up a very good point, ladyjane1.I enjoyed reading this on many levels. First that it took me 20 years to get over my divorce..lol..

Second, I do love the idea of marriage...very much..so I commend and applaud people who take the risk, again and again.

It is a sign of fundamental fearlessness to face the world alone again.

I am one of those who experienced a decline in standard of living, temporarily, but once I got my footing again, I was never the same.

Circumstances force us to adapt.

Thank you for this hub.


Sandyspider profile image

Sandyspider 6 years ago from Wisconsin, USA

My sister-in-law went through this. It is a tough time in one's life.


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 6 years ago from United States

I have been through divorce and understand exactly where you are coming from having experienced many of those things you listed. I did have boundaries for my children and they didn't misbehave like you see happening out in public today.

You covered many very important points in this very good hub.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

Divorce is never really gotten over. I'm not over my first one. I'm not over my second. We function. We vote. We take care of things. We "live again". People get into love and marriage too easily. Our visions are better than our realities. People change. Thanks for a great hub! Oh- MFB just created a beautiful tribute to a wonderful LadyJane!


billyaustindillon profile image

billyaustindillon 6 years ago

A very strongly written personal article - thank you for sharing Lady jane


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

msorenson thank you for reading my hub I appreciate your comments and you are correct woman adapt after a heartbreak no matter what the circumstances and we gotta do what we have to do to take care of ourselves sometimes. Thanks for stopping by.

@Sandyspider thanks for reading hope your sister in law is doing well.

@Pamela thanks again for stopping by and I am glad that you survived your divorce as well. I guess that is why my motto has always been what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and that has kept me going this long. Cheers.

@Micky thanks for reading and you are right we always carry those scars that hurt our heart no matter how we try to carry on but that is the key, to carry on with life and move on. Thanks for the heads up about MFB I will have to check it out he is so sweet and I loved the poem he wrote about you. Cheers.

@billy I appreciate the compliment thanks for stopping by.


northweststarr profile image

northweststarr 6 years ago from Washington State

I'm a child of divorce and I can honestly say that it changed my life. I'm 26 and have just recently gotten married for the first time. (but I have been engaged 5 times before) I believe that most of my relationships were me looking for my father. Most of my boyfriends/Fiances were at least 10-20 years older than me even when I was 16/17. My husband now is actually a year younger than me and I finally worked through my commitment phobes to be with him, but deep down, there's always going to be that fear of divorce, right? Anyway, maybe there's a hub in there somewhere or maybe I'm just rambling, but I like your hub! Keep'em coming!


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

northweststar thanks for reading. I was not a child of divorce and I have always been thankful for that and that is why I tried to make sense of my divorce to my children so that they wouldn't be hurt, I know they were in some ways but thankfully they are as healthy an adult as they can be I guess. I am glad that you have found some peace in your life and I definitely see a hub in there somewhere about your experience, writing is an incredible vehicle to healing. Thanks for reading.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

You are such a clever, multi faceted girl :-)


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

De Greek thank you that means quite a bit coming from you. I don't think I qualify as being a girl anymore at the age of 46 but I am definitely an experienced woman. Cheers.


northweststarr profile image

northweststarr 6 years ago from Washington State

That's probably why I write indeed. Grew up incredibly underprivledged. Books and my journal were my only escape. I think it's wonderful that you are trying to lessen the impact on your kids. My mom was in such a state of shock i don't think she even really thought about our feelings.


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

I grew up much the same way, we didn't have alot of money and both my parents were terribly abused as children so they didn't have great parenting skills but they did the best they could with what they had and surprisingly enough they didn't become abusers as so many abused do. In fact I don't ever remember my mother or father ever hitting me and I guess that is why it came as such a blow when my exhusband hit me for the first time. He broke my heart in a million pieces, I guess as parents we can only do the best we can and take what we learn and apply it the way we see fit. Your mother probably was in shock, I know I was for a long time so I couldnt have been the best mother but I did the best that I could. Maybe your mother could do what she could an nothing more. Keep writing, I need to start reading your hubs, I promise I will get over there. Cheers.


Ann Nonymous profile image

Ann Nonymous 6 years ago from Virginia

I have heard of that story several times too, ladyjane! And may i say excellent hub! My parents were split up for almost eight years. It was so hard on my siblings and I even though we didn't always talk about it. my parents are thanks God back together and the family is on the way towards healing!

Thanks for sharing such a relevant hub with us, jane!


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

Ann hello how are you? Thanks for reading I appreciate your feedback always and I am so glad that your family is back together after eight years that is almost unheard of but its great. Again, thanks for visiting. Cheers.


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 6 years ago from Arizona

LadyJane, a good hub on an important topic. I've been divorced and widowed, a widower?, is that correct? I should know I suppose. Anyway in the long run the effects seem the same they both shot a hole in my heart leaving a void. one sudden and unchangeable the other a slow build up like a balloon, more pressure, more pressure until it burst. All attempts to stop it were in vain. No children in either case, that simplified matters. I have set on the outside and witnessed men cry, mostly over their children. I've heard them cuss their wives, I never joined in just because if I did and they got back together I'd be a bad guy most likely. The children are victims best I can tell. I never dated a woman with children as a rule of thumb, I just couldn't picture my self as an instant dad. Divorced mothers seemed to me to be over protective of their children stifling the growth of new love by always placing their children first in every matter. Again a view from the outside watching friends date and come moaning over a beer that they could get no time alone. Is any of it true? don't ask me. I defer to those who have been there, so lets talk about anything else. You've presented many answers for them here.


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

Calber good to see you and I can see your point on many issues here and most of the time kids are the victims during a divorce. And I would hope that you are right about divorced woman being overprotective because they need to be because any good woman should always put her children before any man in my opinion. Thats why I said in my hub that woman should never move people in right away after a divorce because there will always be disputes over the children and new boyfriend. Thanks for reading Caliber and have a nice weekend.


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

I know the pain and the lostness that comes with divorce. It will take me a long time to recover. And my ex-wife too is finding things difficult.

I'm in a new marriage now and I try to focus on that and make the best of it, but the old scars are still there.

Thanks so much for sharing on this incredibly important topic.

Love and peace

Tony


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

Thanks tony for reading my hub, I think anyone that has ever been divorced can attest to the heartbreak that it leaves. It does take a while for the pain but I don't think scars ever leave us. Blessings.


dreamreachout 6 years ago

Every individual has become so strong mentally that there is no room for adjustment or understanding in a relationship. Everyone is bent on getting across his way!! India, the bastion of family values is plagued with the same situation and matrimonial cases are the highest in numbers in the courts here!! I think this cycle will last for a long period before people start thinking differently!!


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

dreamreachout thanks for reading and commenting. Im sorry that things are like this in India as well. I think our family values need to improve and people need to start putting family first. Cheers.


Hadley Earabino profile image

Hadley Earabino 6 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

There's a great article in O Magazine about this issue. (I think it was the February issue, it was red) It is the untold story about how marriages can actually get better after one partner has an affair. It's painful to survive an affair, but then so is divorce. It helps me to expect that relationships are difficult, and then I'm not surprised when it is.


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

Hadley thanks for reading and commenting. You are right it is painful to survive an affair but it can be done and I am all for saving a marriage thats for sure. Thanks for stopping by. Cheers.


whoflungdung profile image

whoflungdung 6 years ago from London, England

I like your hub ladyjane, it is always good for a man to see and try to understand the views of the female on such issues. I think that you are right on the having too much temptation.


TattoGuy 6 years ago

Well I am at the 16 month seperation stage and it still feels a bit raw, it does take a long time to heal and you do feel bitter but as you say, ya gotta learn to love yourself again and I am getting there slowly but surely, great hub LJ x


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

Thanks whoflungdung I appreciate you stopping by and you are correct its good to get a woman's perspective once in awhile. Cheers.

Tattoguy hello nice to see you. I hope things get better for you I know its hard. At the 16 month of my divorce I was still sitting on the couch in my pjs starring into space. I did this for a long time, I thought the world had come to an end. But it took a long time. I did take time for myself and my kids and I didn't remarry for 4 years and those years really helped me rediscover who I was and why I was so lovable again. LOl. Cheers and good luck.


habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

Been through a divorce and came out on the other side. I was lucky - it was the best thing I ever did. Great hub!


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

Thanks habee I think for the most part it really is the best for most marriages that are in trouble. Glad it was the best thing for you. CHeers.


Gigi2 profile image

Gigi2 6 years ago from UK

I am happily remarried, and have moved on in some areas of my life, mainly due to forgiveness. But although the past and the pain might fade, they never disappear. Thank you for an insightful and important hub.


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

Gigi2 thanks for sharing a bit of your life Im glad that you are doing well. Cheers.


J. McCoy profile image

J. McCoy 6 years ago from CA (originally)

Great hub, ladyjane. I really loved the divorce story at the top. Made me laugh. I appreciate your point about not talking trash about your ex. My mom did this for years and it completely backfired. I respected her a lot less for quite a while for doing it. I can't remember my dad saying a single negative comment about her so I had a sharp contrast. Thank God things heal. Thanks for sharing your collection of really good resources, too.


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas Author

J. Mcoy thanks for reading, Im glad that you enjoyed my hub. And you are right, thank God things heal. Cheers.


freshlaundry71 profile image

freshlaundry71 5 years ago

Divorce is a death to a bond that was once sacred. You never truly get over a divorce but you can move on and find happiness by allowing yourself time and healing and not putting a cap on when or how your life will go on. It took me 10 years to move on from my divorce and I did get involved in another relationship to soon. Take the time to catch your breath and cultivate new soil in your heart it will take time but you will find that dragging another person into the mix doesnt make you happy again.


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 5 years ago from Texas Author

Freshlaundry71 thanks for reading and for your comment, you are so right. Its weird but when I wrote this I couldn't have imagined that this would be happening in my life again.....I guess I need to take my advice as well as yours. Cheers.


acewebdesign profile image

acewebdesign 5 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

When a relationship breaks, its horrible. Divorce is worse than that. Times have really changed a lot these few years.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean

ladyjane 1, thanks for writing this article. Will vote useful and share with readers of my hub, "Confessions Of A Levelheaded Divorcee.


ladyjane1 profile image

ladyjane1 4 years ago from Texas Author

Thanks MsDora I will go over and read. Cheers to you.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working