Gypsies, but sometimes Thieves! (But only Funny things!)

The things we do to make some vonga (money)

I was looking back and smiling to myself at some of the things we used to get up to. We were always broke and looking for a way to make some money. But some of the things we go involved in were not only stupid, but downright dangerous! We were living in a small dump, yes I said dump, it was a halfway house between living in the caravan and trying to get a council house, and the council decided that it was fine to put an asthmatic and a baby in a place with asbestos roofs, walls that looked like the brick walls in jail, and a 'fireplace' that looked like something out of Victorian England. You opened the doors, which were black thick marble looking things, and lit a fire, which caused smoke to fly around the room and suffocate you. When I went to bed, in the one and only bedroom, we had to share with my son who was a baby, the window ledges were very thick, like a prison, and cracked, and on the ceiling, so many times I can't remember how many, you would see shadows moving and coagulating in patches. These were not shadows. They were spiders! It was appalling. It would not be allowed now. When I called the local paper about it, they never even came out, they just reported it in the paper as 'a two bedroom flat' and what were we moaning about? Anyway, I am getting off the main story.

Vonga vonga vonga!

On a cold snow covered night in the middle of winter, with three foot of the white stuff outside our front door, Jake said, 'You know that shop through the park, the one that sells gas bottles and water tanks? I thought, 'here we go.' Well did you know that the shop is now empty? and I think he's left a few empty bottles around the back,'

Great I thought, empty water tanks were huge, and would fetch a lot of money at the scrap yard. Then I thought, 'Oh no, he isn't expecting me to go traipsing out in three foot of snow to go and help him, is he?'

Luckily he decided that he didn't need me, so pulling on his coat and gloves, he crept out the door and headed across the road. Now our 'house' was opposite a park, and to get to the shops, you went through the park, out the other side, and there was the shops.

I settled in to wait.

Still waiting.

A couple of hours later, I started to panic. where the hell is he? I peered out the window, the snow was falling in thick sheets and I couldn't see a thing. Suddenly out of the mist and whiteness, I saw a figure rush by on the road. I thought 'what the hell was that?' It looked like a mister man, you know the one's I mean, big head, little arms no neck? two seconds later, after he or it had disappeared, another man rushed around the corner, screaming his head off.

'Come back, you thieving bastard, come back!' I began to feel uneasy. This ain't right, I thought. What the hell is going on? checking my son to make sure he was asleep, I opened the front door, just in time to see Jake rush past me the other way, carrying a very heavy water tank, and in his wake, an irate giant of a man, rushing towards him, waving his arms about madly.

My blood ran cold. Well I was bloody cold anyway! freezing in fact. I hissed at Jake. 'Jake. Jake, for Christ sake, what the hell are you doing?' Then the hiss turned to a yell. 'JAKE, come inside and stop making a ass of yourself'

But of course he couldn't, the man was still chasing him. I had to cause a distraction. But what could I do?

I spotted an old bike outside, a small child's trike kind of thing, and without thinking about what I was doing, I picked it up, swung it with all my strength and threw it towards the yelling man. I didn't want to hurt him, just distract him. But I misjudged the angle, and to my horror it fell straight in front of him, He saw it, Too late. His arms started flaying about, his body pitched forward, and to this day I can still see him tangled up in the kids little bike! In the dark all I could see was a fat man, drapped around a red thing in the white snow! Funny how you never forget that! Of course he couldn't get up, because of all the ice and snow. So he just lay there yelling and cursing. Jake, by this time had legged it around the back of the buildings. I, meantime was caught like a rabbit in the headlights!

'What did you do that for?' the man yelled.

'I thought you were a burglar trying to mug someone, I was only trying to help' I stared wide eyed, using all my charm, and my skimpy nightie didn't hurt either.

He peered at me, and said 'Can you give me a hand up, that son of a bitch just stole a water tank off me!

I replied 'Sorry, no clothes on, but would you like me to call the police? I was crossing my fingers by this time. 'No, forget it, he's got well away now'. He staggered to his feet, and turned to me. ' Did you see which way he went?' he asked. 'No, I said, 'I only saw you, chasing what I thought was a mister man!' No I never said that! But I wanted to! I said instead, 'No, sorry he was too fast for me to see where he went'. Coward, lying to the poor man!,

Not sure if Jake looked like Mr Grumpy, or Mister Fussy!

Innocent my ass

I went back inside. Jake was sat on the arm of the chair, laughing. 'get us a cuppa, will you? I am knackered' I looked at him. 'you said it was empty, you said it was going to be a doddle, easy bloody peasy, what the hell happened?'

'He came back to get something, and spotted me around the back, with the water tank on my back, and I scared the crap out of him, you know the rest'.  Have you ever seen that cat in Shrek, when he puts on that little boy lost look? Yep? that was the one. So there I was, aiding and abetting a thief, freezing cold, shaking through adrenaline and fear, and all Jake could say was,

' Lovely bit a totty, this is gonna get me at least thirty pounds, where;s me tea?'

Welcome to the world of being a Gypsy bride.

I just want to state that not all Gypsy's steal things or 'chaw' things as they call it!, only my husband occasionally got light fingered!

 

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Comments 54 comments

Arthur Windermere profile image

Arthur Windermere 6 years ago

"These were not shadows. They were spiders! It was appalling." Bah! Why? Why, Nell?! I suddenly feel itchy. ;)

Very funny story. But, uh, what's a "mister man"? haha


BJBenson profile image

BJBenson 6 years ago from USA

THIS WAS WONDERFUL. I really enjoyed this hub, but I need to know what a mister man is too! I really laughed with this one.

remember hub on mister man!


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

Thank you for a wonderful read and a very good laugh.


cameciob profile image

cameciob 6 years ago

Hi Nell, what a vivid, funny and well writen story. It makes a good start for my morning. The graphics are great.


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 6 years ago from Chicago

Spiders! Thank you for this great story, finely written. I enjoyed reading it. The nightie didn't hurt, I'm sure. :)


raisingme profile image

raisingme 6 years ago from Fraser Valley, British Columbia

That was INCREDIBLE! Wow, what a great hub! The smile on my face should last me for days!


raisingme profile image

raisingme 6 years ago from Fraser Valley, British Columbia

Sorry, got impatient and hit the button twice....maybe because it was a double good hub...lol. My apologies.


2uesday profile image

2uesday 6 years ago from - on the web, I am 2uesday.

Voted up and also funny. It is a well told tale that was interesting to read. Thanks Nell.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Arthur, Yep spiders little sods! It was because it was like living in a shed, the council thought it was okay to put people in so called 'halfway house accomodation' until a proper house came up. They wouldn't get away with it these days! imagine those old army huts, but with stinging nettles up to the roof outside! nice way to treat tax payers, eh? Oh, and the Mister men, I thought everyone knew about! ha ha they are cartoons! with big bodies and little legs, like potato men! I will try and get a picture added! thanks nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, BJB, This is only one of the many strange stories! I can tell ya! ha ha I haven't even started yet! lol And the mister men are cartoons, I thought they were American, but obviously not. they look like mr potato men, I will try and get a picture! should have added one. Thanks, and I am glad I made you laugh. cheers nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Hello Hello, thanks for the read, and I am glad it made you laugh! I am sorting out a few more funny stories about this time. thanks nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, cameciob, thank you so much for your nice comments, and I am glad it made you laugh! Even I laughed the next day, after the event! ha ha thanks again nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, James, thanks for reading, I am sure that under any other circumstance, the nightie would have been a great help, but the trouble was I think he was a little bit distracted! after tripping over the bike! ha ha thanks nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, raisingme, ha ha I have done that so many times! thanks for the great comments, and I am glad I made you giggle! thanks again nell

Hi, 2uesday, thanks again for reading it, and I am glad it made you laugh. thanks nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, guys, I forgot to say, I have added some pictures of Mister men above, so you can see what I mean!


valeriebelew profile image

valeriebelew 6 years ago from Metro Atlanta, GA, USA

What a hoot! Some of our actual experiences are funnier than a comedy series. LOL.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Valerie, thanks for reading it, it was funny after the event, but I could have killed him at the time! lol thanks again nell


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

This a nice story. You paint a vivid picture. Thank you Nell!!!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

Oh my gosh! Too hilarious, Nellie....definitely my kinda story and thanks for the laugh so early in the morning!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Mickey, thanks for reading it, I haven't even started yet! ha ha there's lots more madness to come! Nell

Hi, Audrey, what are you doing up at this God forsaken hour? It's half one in the afternoon here, so that means you are up at, hold on let me calculate! ha ha 5 30!!! Don't tell me, the dogs wanted to go out! ha ha thanks again, I will be back to comment on the others later, as it's sunny, hot and I am out for some sun bathing! thanks nell


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

I never thought that Gypsies could be like that. But, great topic. I learn much from this hub. Good work, Nell. Thumbs up for you!

Prasetio


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 6 years ago from US

Hey Nell, great story and I was wondering about that Mister Man too, far from what my guess had been! See how much you could enlighten us all? Polly


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

I usually start work (groan) at 5:30 a.m. but it lets me be done early afternoon so this is good?? Unfortunately lately I've been waking up at 4:00 a.m. because it is summer and the sun comes a'calling a little after. I love summer and spring but it makes me feel like I have to get up and get moving...the dogs are still curled up with Bob in bed when I leave - what the heck is THAT about! But of course I crash on my face about 9:00 or 10:00 so it all evens out!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Audrey, You are completely different to me! I crash out about 3.30 in the morning and get up about half 9 or ten! it all depends on whether I am working or not, if I am then I go in at the usual time of 9, but if I work later, then I revert back to this stupid bodyclock! I should move to America, then I would seem to go to bed at a normal time! ha ha If I ever come over to America, at least I wouldn't get jet lagged! nell


Sa`ge profile image

Sa`ge 6 years ago from Barefoot Island

oh god Nell, i am still laughing and most likely will for a while. dang god story, I loved it. :) drop me a ding when you do another one i do not want to miss it. not any of them :) ~aloha~


mulberry1 profile image

mulberry1 6 years ago

Well I would rather have been you than Jake in this little saga. Shows what a little team work will do for you though!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Sa'ge, thanks for reading it, and I am glad it made you laugh! I will give you a nudge when the next one comes flowing out! there are so many stupid things that we did, you wouldn't believe it! ha ha thanks again nell

Hi, mulberry, ha ha exactly! you got it! and there's me trying to be all innocent! hee hee thanks nell


carolina muscle profile image

carolina muscle 6 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

Very funny story... I bet you played that innocent role great!!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, carolina muscle, what me? Innocent? ha ha of course, I knew nothing about it, I said nothing....lol thanks nell


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

Wot a laff! Loved this one, Nell! Thanks for sharing. That bit about the nightie did it for me too! LOL!

How about a cuppa, then, luv?

Love and peace

Tony


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, tony, two sugars? ha ha good thing I was wearing the nightie! lol or maybe it would have been better if I wasn't...... thanks nell


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

What a funny story but not so for the man all tangled up in the bike, I'm glad Jake got away, all those spiders, yikes I hate spiders and snakes to. Great story you made me laugh and I see many others.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, saddlerider, It was a bit of a strange situation, to say the least! ha ha but that was my life at the time, and it got weirder! as you say, many other stories! thanks nell


pmccray profile image

pmccray 6 years ago from Utah

Excellent and humerous read!!! Very well written


Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 6 years ago from Los Angeles

Another great story Nell Rose; please keep them coming


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, pmccray, and Petra, sorry for missing these, I have been running around madly the last few days. thank you both so much again for your comments. nell


gypsywoman01 profile image

gypsywoman01 6 years ago from Hutchinson, Minnesota

Dearest Nell, this was a wonderful story! Oh what us Gypsies wont go through!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, gypsy, it was a very strange time! lol but it was definitely different, thanks for reading it, cheers nell


Freya Cesare profile image

Freya Cesare 6 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

Dear Nell, I read about 5 of your story today and never feel bored at all. You are great writer, Nell. You made every terrible situation become beautiful or funny. Great works!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Hi, Freya, thanks again, i really appreciate it, and I am glad you like my stories, cheers nell


akffmdm 6 years ago

so touch


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England Author

Thanks akffmdm,for commenting, nell


not white trash 5 years ago

that is hilarious.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, nwt, thanks, It was funny at the time! lol cheers nell


pennyofheaven profile image

pennyofheaven 5 years ago from New Zealand

You write excellently Nell. What colorful adventures you have. Thanks for sharing


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England Author

Hi, penny thanks so much again,I just think it goes to prove that the female of the species does tend to use common sense more than the male! ha ha


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

That is funny... not the fact that you guys were brought to that part of your life... but now I have a vivid picture of a man doubled over a trike and half buried in snow while your husband gets away. Great story and thanks for sharing! :)


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks barbergirl! lol! it was a very funny time! doesn't seem like me now!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Forgot to say thanks! haha!


neeleshkulkarni profile image

neeleshkulkarni 4 years ago from new delhi

if it was such a huge water tank where did he hide it Nell?the things we do to survive, I swear.


tsmog profile image

tsmog 4 years ago from Escondido, CA

Hi Nell , , ,Inspiring, funny, and a very good read. Reminds me of , , , ,I remember when , , , ,(thank you for sharing - smile).


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, neeleshkulkarni, we put it in the flat! haha! thanks for reading, cheers nell

Hi, tsmog, I know what you mean! I could sit here and remember all sorts of things from way back then! thanks for reading, much appreciated cheers nell


Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 4 years ago from Scotland

Bonnie and Clyde strike again. Keep an eye on your old boilers folks aor watch out for flying bicylces.

Fun Hub Nell, cheers.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Shinkicker, love that name! haha! yep, we were definitely like Bonnie and Clyde, that was the weirdest time! thanks for reading, cheers nell

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