How To Deal With A Controlling Mother

All They Want Is The Best For Us

Most good mothers tend to try to control you and your actions. This is not because they are power-hungry, it's because they have been there, done that and don't want you to make the same mistakes as they did.

My mother was exactly the same. When I finished High School she begged that I go to College but I rebelled and left home at the age of 16. I had a lot of things going on in my life at that point and I couldn't take the pressure. I do regret not listening to my mother because I am now years behind and all the friends I grew up with have almost graduated College and I know that if I had listened from the beginning, I would be right there with them. There is always time and room for a second chance and I will be fixing what I have broken. My mother insisted that I go to College because when she was that age, she dropped out after 3 months because the pressure at home was too much (her father died soon after and her mother was extremely abusive and violent). My mother has never been abusive or violent towards me or any of my siblings but it does look as though I have followed in her footsteps, mistake-wise.

I noticed my mother began to become a little more controlling as I neared the end of my compulsory education and as I crept closer and closer to turning the age of 16 (which in Australia is the legal age of consent and the age in which you can be legally independent). I guess this is because she feared what I would use that freedom for and was trying desperately to prevent me from doing so. On a guess, most mothers probably fear that. They most likely also fear their children growing up and moving out, especially with their first born child because it is a new experience and they don't really know what to expect. Fear can trigger frustration and anger.

Mothers (and Fathers for that matter) want what is best for their children and sometimes they have a very weird way of showing it. Once you move out and away you will begin to realise their original intent and start to understand exactly why they did what they did and why they went about it the way that they did. We may not even fully understand until we have kids of our own and live through what they have. But just remember, our parents brought us into the world, kept us safe, helped us grow and learn and after all those years of hard work and love, don't you think it would be at least a little bit hard for them to let go? They do, but I imagine it's not easy. Respect them through the good times and the bad and love them through the happy and the sad. We only have so much time to live and only one life to give all that we wish to give. Use it.

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ebookshack 8 years ago from Canada

You are very right. I have an 18 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. Although I try not to control their lives as my mother tried to control mine, my children always hear my point of view. My dad always used to just say "because I said so" and that was not a good answer for me so I would always rebel.

I tell my kids the pros, cons, possible scenerios and then tell them that I trust them to do what is right and follow their own minds now that they are armed with some facts and possibilities. Most times, my children have chosen the right path. Sometimes they have not. I am always there regardless. They know that.

Some mothers do try to live their lives through their kids if they are unhappy with their own. Others are just controlling for the sake of always being right. But most mothers do want the best for their kids. Some just do not know how to communicate effectively. 

Even if you do not get along with your mother now. As I did not from the age of 16-24. You will cherish your mother when you get older. You seem to have turned out alright as well. You have a positive outlook and understanding of how parents can be.

Good post for all of those who may need some encouragement.


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trish1048 8 years ago

Beautiful hub, thanks for sharing :)

Patty


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bettiegurrl 8 years ago from Portland, Or

I have some ex boyfriends that are total mamas boys and Ive noticed they have one thing in common besides that; a controlling mother. I feel sorry for boys like that but most of all the mommies need to take a step back and let the kid take over their own life. There is something very wrong when "mommy" comes to visit and cleans his home, does his laundry and rearranges his kitchen cabinets, especially when he's 35!  (Probably a major reason they are X's)  :)


vacantxsyren 8 years ago

I'm 25 yrs old and I grew up with a controlling , overprotective mother which whom i still live with. Although, i understand that raising children , especially as a single parent is difficult and alot of these types of mothers do believe they want or know what's best for their children. There are those , like my mother, who are narcissists and can be extremly emotionally abusive. I could remember my mother flying into fits of rages or becoming extremly agitated by things i might not have been aware of doing , like facial expressions , the tone of my voice and the way i walk. She wouldn't just critcize but mock me . I had to rehearse what i would say to her if trying to confront her about them because of the serious negative effect it was having on me and knowing that she'd only use what id say to flip it back around on me to make it seem as though i were attacking her or worse using intimidation to keep me in line.

I love my mother and i recognize how much she's sacraficed and loves me however in my late teens when i began understanding the differences between discipline and cruelty I began examining her state of mind and the damage it did to me.

My point is, it can be extremly difficult for children to know the difference from a caring, concerned, protective parent and one who maybe doing more harm then what's being called to question, and rarely does anyone ever step in and realize what's going on ... Emotional abuse and manipulation leaves internal scarring that's carried well into adulthood by then there's no reversing it..


bee 7 years ago

I agree with vacantx...some parents use a lot of manipulation and cruelty (some is intentional, some is just due to cluelessness) and this needs to be looked at too. Telling others to value their parents and see it from their side is fine, its compassionate, but you must try to see the full picture, 360 degrees. Otherwise you are just shutting up children (Ritalin anyone?) who need to speak up and express themselves and feel like they have a valid point of view. I suppose its a fine line, you don't want to end up a whiny person who just complains all the time, but you don't want to be an idiot either who just waxes poetic over his love for his mother (when really they are full of anger).


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LatestDud 7 years ago from Gold Coast (Queensland, Australia) Author

I agree with everyones comments. There is NO SUCH THING as a perfect parent; how can there be when there is NO SUCH THING as a perfect person? I am definitely NOT saying that all parents are doing the right thing and are good parents - that would be a lie. Some parents out there never wanted to be parents but you gotta remember, they didn't have to have that child but they did. Whether it be for good or bad reasons, they still gave you life and that comes with the gift of choices. You can make your own, and in the end, that is really all that we do. Parents are there to guide, not live through you - although there is the odd parent out there that does try to live through their children - no advisable. LOL!


help my broter 7 years ago

i need help my 20 year old brother the youngest of 7 is being totally overpowered and controlled my our moter. he is still not even allowed to date. and has only kissed one girl and that was his sophmore year of high school. he is now in collage... she controlls his every move makes him call her when he arives at school work etc. we have tried to talk with her and she replys with its none of our business.... i am afraid he is going to end up resinting her and there relationship will be lost like the rest of us the 6 of us HATE our mother... she bought our love and never showed and affection to us unless it was her expecting a hug and kiss ofter she had bought us something... see he currently is trying pursue a relationship with a girl from his school and he explained to this girl that he really is not allowed to date the girl got upset not at him but at the situation... i mean come on the kid is 20 for cryin out loud. my moter knows of this girl and says she is a slut because any girl that pursues the guy first is only ofter one thing but what does my poor brother have to give he is still a virgin.. we are trying to get him to move out but if he does she will take away his car she paid for it. and if he loses that he has noting to get around in. i guess i am asking for advise do i just let her controll him and run his life or do i keep fighting with her until she understands that what she is doing is SOOOOO wrong


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LatestDud 7 years ago from Gold Coast (Queensland, Australia) Author

Help My Broter: If she is really THAT bad, your BROTHER should stand up to her. You standing up for him is good but he needs to do it in order to get the real message across. Maybe he could move in with you for a while until he sorts something out? Back him up, but make him confront her.


help my brother 7 years ago

LatesDud: YES she is that bad this past monday yesterday i called her to try to talk to her about the situation and she said the same thing that it is none of my business and hung up on me.... that night when my brother got home from school she took away hes cell phone his computer and said he is only allowed to use his truck to go to school and work.. he has tried to talk with her and reason with her. and she just wont listen most of the time he ends up crying and just goes to his room. you see my mom will Not listen to anyone she thinks her way is the only way. i wrote her a very long Email telling her exactly what i think of her and what she is doing. i don t know if she will read it or just delete knowing it was form me but either way i don't expect to be hearing from her for a long long while and that doesn't bother me one bit. like i said i hate my mothet but thanks for the advise.. wish my brother good luck


NeedHelp 7 years ago

Yeah... I'm a 19 year old college student. And honestly, my live is nothing more like a life of a puppet... and my mom is the puppeteer! Well i'd really like to have a life of my own, that's all. She doesn't seem to respect any of my decisions nor does she respect me as a grownup or her own son as a whole. All she does is YELL, wanting me to do things her way. She would yell at me to do revision which I did so everyday even without her asking. My life has become such a routine that its almost bordering boredom. Yes my life is very boring i must say. Waking up at 7am (ps : I live in Malaysia) , she would start to yell and yell at me NONSTOP. Frankly i think she's got some strange mental disease, because she is so controlling. Yes, many would say that she is a dedicated mom, but please put yourself in my shoes... She is more than dedicated, she's more like obsessed, and this is too much for me to bear. Sje would sometimes yell insults at me, saying how much she regretted giving birth to me, and sometimes even calling me a bastard! After that it would leave me suicidal... How could one live with a mom like that??? I definitely CAN'T!! Please if theres someone who could help me out...


DAME GREASE 7 years ago

Im 21 and i still live with my mother. she is very controlling and trys to make me feel bad for making my own decisions and trying to figure out things on my own...she always says "u need to listen to me" "that's why u have gotten anywhere in life because you don't listen"...this makes me feel like a loser..ive moved out a couple of times but things didn't work out so i came back to live with her...not to mention that she shelters me and my other two bothers..when i was younger i was so scared of the outside world that i was terrified to go to the grocery store and buy milk or bread...she doesn't trust me and sometimes insults me calling me stupid and things like that...if things are not done her way then its wrong..how do i deal with this??? sometimes i block it out and tell myself that her opinion of me dosnt matter and im gonna show her someday that i can be independent make my own decisions. She says im not aggressive enough and says im soft (meaning not thuggish)..but this is how she raised me...i just get tired of her yelling and coming down on me..if i had a child i would only bring them and help them no matter what their shortcoming were


anthony 7 years ago

i have a controlling mom. when i joined the marines she wasn't to happy about it. and now that i am unemployed and can still go back in the army. she tries to talk me out of everything but it just pisses me off and i get up and leave i am 38 for christ sake and she still thinks i am 10. its to bad to because since she is uber religious and controlling i just dont tell her anything that's going on in my life. she thinks i don't date but i would never take a girl to there house. i know she wont like the kind of girls i like so i just avoid the whole thing. if there not a born again christian then she doesn't think i should date them. oh well its her loss i have had some really nice girls that i just keep away from my mom. my 2 cents.


Liv 7 years ago

My mother is the same way she gets it from my grandmother. I am just like my mother's sister in a way when my aunt was my age. I'm 27 years old soon to be a wife to a very good man. From the get go my mother has always had control of what I wore,what I said around people,who my friends were,whom I could date,and etc. Well I got engaged last year and now here in the last few months well more like several months she has tried to stop my future hubby and I having our first dance at our wedding. She keeps saying things like "You know he isn't going to dance with you", or"You really think he is going to dance because I know he won't dance",or "He probably doesn't even know how to dance neither do you." Its the funniest thing because I loved to dance when I was little and I know how to dance. He does too a little. But,honestly she thinks she knows him when in all honestly she doesn't. Of course my dad and I are going to dance too you know the Father/daughter dance. She keeps going "Oh your daddy ain't going to dance with you." Or better yet she has used "You really think your daddy is going to dance with you I don't think he will." Then here a few weeks ago we was at my second fitting for my wedding dress the monster blurted out loud "I am really anxious to see this dance she keeps talking about." I have keep trying to tell her that its my wedding and his too not hers. My fiancé and I have planned everything together without our parents. She has butted her way into our plans trying to tell us how to do it. I am like "Mom seriously who's wedding is this.?" She is all like "Yours but I am just trying to help." I have told her and told her "He and I are planning it not you and I. Key word Mom is he and I." I am grateful for people buying he and I stuff for our wedding. She has paid for my bridal veil and earrings which I am grateful for. Of course she tried to stop from us having a rehearsal dinner and my fiance's mom got a little upset since she was going to do it. I told his mom just do it to make my mother pissed off. The day before our wedding my mother didn't even want his mom or him there to help decorate. His mother has talked to my mom and my mother keeps refusing my future mother in law's help with the wedding. His daddy and mom offered to help her pay for any expenses but she refused it. She always had such a control on me every since my dad left. I stand up to her but she goes off to her room and pouts like a baby. Anytime I do when she isn't pouting "I am your mother why are you saying such things to me. YOu don't talk to your mother that away it says so in the bible you better get on your knees and pray for forgiveness." I feel like I am in a scene in the movie Carrie. I have a hope to own my own business along with my future husband but anytime I tell her about the dream she just shoots it down. She is like "You can't right now because you two aren't fiancially able right now.," or this one "You two wouldn't even know how to run one." Of course the fiancé and I want to have kids sometime in a year and half. She keeps going to both of us "You need to wait until you've been married 2 years then have one.," or "You need to get her own birth control now," or "No body in their right mind has a baby after a year or so of marriage." Basically she doesn't want any more grandkids because anytime someone says oh you'll have some more grandkids soon she'll be like to them "Yeah I wouldn't mind having them but she has plently of time to have one." He and I have decided to wait a year and half to try and have one wither she likes it or not. She is going have to start understanding that he and I will do things our way not her way. I am not going to ruin my marriage just like she did hers. Another thing I am still washing her dirty dishes and etc for her when all she can do is sit on her fat ass and talk on the phone all night. Here I am trying to get things into boxes in my room and getting it over to my fiancé and I's apartment. She doesn't care what I am doing in my room just as long as I get her things done. I have told her and told her many times she needs to start doing it herself instead of me. Once again I get "Why are you talking to me this way? I don't understand why you have to talk to me this away it says in the bible you need to respect me" I am just like "whatever" then I walk away because I so can't deal with this anymore. The bad thing is as soon as I get in through the door I have to automatically drop my things and go do something for her well so she thinks. My fiancé has witness a lot of things she does to me and he is getting pissed off about it. Its like one night right after we first started dating I came in through the door and she was like oh "Liv go down to the car and get that cooler out please." He was like "I'll go get it." Here I was already got off from work,pulled my shoes off,about to go to the bathroom and fix myself up again for date,but in her power she was trying to make me do something she could have done her self. She has embarrassed me out in public and here recently at my bridal shower in front of his family. She needs to cut the string,learn how to let me go,or if she doesn't she is going to lose me forever. Honestly I am in the same boat as a lot of you and Idk what to do at all.


Ang35 7 years ago

I am 35 and just last week realized how controlling of a mother I have. It had been very hard on me to stand my ground and set boundaries with her, I talk with her a few times per day and haven't talked to her for two days because she appeared at my home saturday morning while my friend was there feeding my cats because I was at my boyfriends home who lives an hour away and she doesn't even know him but is choosing not to support this relationship So she was mad I wasn't there and wants to talk to me about something but says if I want to know to come to her home and talk she won't talk on the phone and I realize its control so I haven't gone there and haven't called I'm feeling sad and almost rejected as if her love is conditional. I know its not healthy to want to call her because that just let's her know she is still on control. I have not told her I have realized how controlling she is figured it out a week ago. I'm an only child too and also single mom of an 11 year old. Moms life totally revolves around us. Should I call and say if you want to talk we can talk on the phone or you can come over or do I just wait for her to call me. I'm really confused as I have been searching for ways to set boundaries with her.

Please give me your advice!


Jay d 6 years ago

Some 1 please help i am 22 years old and im stil living with my parents. My mother wats 2 be my friend she wants me to go club with her and party with her, i use to do that when i was stil in school but than i met my boyfriend 3years ago and than i started spending more time with im. She gets mad when he comes to me and when he leaves after a visiting she would ignor me when i speak to her. She wants to wear what i wear and she wants to be friends with my friends. I was never alowd to sleep over at any of my friends houses. The sleepovers was always at my house. My 17 year old sister has been dating her boyfriend for 5 years and my mother don't say anything about that. My father told my im alowed to date after matric and i did that. Every weekend my boyfiend has to sleep at my house accourding to my mother girls don't sleep over at boys. But my younger sister sleeps out. I cant speak to my mother about how i feel when ever i try she tels me to move out if im not happy. Pleas help!!!!!


TJ 6 years ago

im 22, lived with my mom 6yrs afetr she gave birth to me and she then went abroad to work for living, and then when i was 16 she got married, and when i was 21 i moved with here. and being with her for the past year has been a lot of ups and down, lots of fights, she has been controlling to me and to her husband. i couldn't understand her, she is so grouchy, she manufactures problem, and making small things big that leads to misundestanding or urguement. before i fought back now i just calm down because im thinking theres no sense fighting with her she always thinks she always right. and sometimes she uses me to make her husband aggitated and be mad. me and my step dad thinks she has mental problem. she's crazy in her ways, she gets mad easily on small things. i have a boyfriend and she always ask me whats going on, sometimes it's irritating and annoying, coz even if someone just text me she would then ask who's that? and if i say its my bf she will ask what he says. i don't have much privacy that i need because she always comes in the way, even my room i locked it and then she would just unlocked the knob without even knocking... we always think she has mental problem, she so jealous, she don't appreciate much things that's her husband gave her she even think negative, and that they always urgue almost everyday she always starts it by asking a lot of negative and acusing questions. i would really wanna move out as soon as possible, she way too much sometimes. i don't know what to do with her grouchiness sometimes, i can adjust but too much i don't know about that.


NM 6 years ago

my mom is the WORST. If we disagree about anything theres no talking about it. SHE JUMPS IN YOUR FACE YELLING like shes ready to fight us.She calls both me & my sis sluts, hoes. bitches, asswholes. If we catch an attitude with her & stop talking to her, she goes around to our family members spreading lies & if that doesn't work she fake cries that we treat her wrong. She searches my suff & doesn't even attempt to hide it (leaving ALL my drawers open with tousled clothes, missing things) She cusses us out about n.e. lil thing. She threatens to beat us. Im 18 & my sis is 19, She used to beat us with belts, fists, pulling our hair until the age of 12.She cuts off my cell foe no reason jus to do it. I think she has a mental disorder. If you saw her yelling & the crazed look on her face... u would swear she's bi-polar. She enjoys fighting with us, she looks to start arguments but when we stay quiet she get so angry she steps in front of us not letting us pass until she gets the answer shes looking for. She smiles when she does & start screaming at us. My dad wouldn't allow us to have frends, we couldn't bring any1 to our house including FAMILY. If we still did he would say right in front of them "u no i don't want any1 in the house!Get them outta here!(that's We were never allowed to leave the house but to only go to school. But even that he watched from the window as we walked to school. because i wasn't used to going out when i did it was a big deal. I couldn't handle it, i would get panick attacks & would have to stop w/e i was doing & breathe deep breath's. I was very anti-social in school, i only talked to 1 girl & when she was absent i was alone. Teachers always complained how I was too quiet.i also have a problem talking to new ppl to this day w/o stumbling over my words. I admit High School helped a lot, i stated enjoying being around ppl & had a clique of friends. Two boyfriends(which was ONLY in school to prevent HER from knowing)So yea they basically ruined my life. I still get panic attacks & i looked up my symptoms on line & it matches a disorder called Anti-Social Anxiety Disorder. Theres medication for it & i would tell them but iknow they wont believe me & they will use it against me later on.

So yeah tnx MOM & dad!

p.s. shes evil & when i have kids they will never know of her. I wanna live a peaceful life & with her in it they'll never be a calm day. Besides I refuse to forgive. If she died 2morrow i wouldn't flinch. Id jus be worried about the house bills. When i move out I'll let my younger siblings know of my address if they need to get away from her. & no she doesn't do n.e. of that stuff to them. if n.e.thing they treat them the exact opposite. they cuss & yell, have friends, argue with her & she GIVES IN. But there still cool they don't treat us wrong at all. the always wanna hang out with us & agrees that our mother treats us wrong.


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solarya 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I am 33 yrs old, have lived away from my parents for several years and it has never stopped, the controlling and manipulation. And No I do not see and understand why she does it, I think it is wrong, very wrong and damaging.

I think any GOOD parent, should never be controlling, they should allow their kids to make their own mistakes and learn from them, without telling them what to do.

I will probably never stop fighting with my mother until one of us dies. I can't stand her!


Amy 6 years ago

My mom is crazy! I now have a boyfriend after 6years and I've had to lie to her in order to hang out with him at his place. She wants to know street addresses and googles them. Its really hard and she makes me feel as if I'm trapped. It really upsets me and my boyfriend to see me upset. My mom told me "I've met your other make friends but not your boyfriend. What's up with him?" he wants to have a home cooked meal at my house and sit down and chat but snce he Lives far away, he has to sleep over in separate rooms. She messes with my emotions when I talk to her about my boyfriend, and one day she just really broke my heart. I think she doesn't want me in this relationship because she's doing a pretty good job of destroying it. My boyfriend hasn't called me in 2 days because I couldn't hang out with him. I felt so awful because it was out anniversary and I couldn't chill with him. He keeps saying "grow some balls..." and he's right. But I tthink my mom still lives I. The 1960s and what's me to live the life she had. Its so frustration


Still Struggling 6 years ago

I am 60 years old, and am still trying to reconcile my feelings towards my manipulative parents. At times, I feel extreme guilt over not loving them as I should and wonder what I did to deserve their constant criticism and wrath throughout my entire life. I wonder if most of the fault lies with me. I try to understand their point of view and the era in which they were raised; however, I was very close to my grandparents and they were never as controlling or manipulative, and they gave unconditional love. I try to imagine that my parents' great love for me brought about the extreme nagging, verbal abuse, and ultimate silent treatments over the many years but it wouldn't have taken days of fussing at me and years of silence to get their points across. They disliked everyone I ever liked (really fine people that any parent should have felt grateful to have befriend their daughter or son). After getting their permission to bring a friend home from college (years ago)to visit, they grounded us the next day because my mother didn't want anyone having such a good time that others would want to visit. My parents are nearing the end of their lives and are no longer in good health. At this point, understanding is of little use as far as mending our relationship. I must force myself to put my pain and confusion aside and try to make the next few years count as positive ones, although my parents are still basically the same people as am I. Sometimes you just can't fix, or even understand, everything. Now that I am an adult, married, and no longer under their thumbs I am finding my own way. I'm about thirty years behind, and I let opportunities to make something of myself slip by because I didn't believe I was capable of doing anything on my own, but my future was in my hands, not theirs, and I had the potential and still do. It's not what they did or didn't do that determines my success or failure. It's what I do with what I have that makes the difference. Standing up to them or fighting back didn't help but just smiling, agreeing or at least not arguing, changing the subject, never telling them anything of great importance, and lying or ommitting information seems to work most of the time, and as for the years of the silent treatment, I look at them as a blessing and a period of peaceful growth!


Livia Curtis 6 years ago

I've been married for almost 6 months now. My husband and I have to still deal with my controlling jealous bitch of a mother. He and I set boundaries with her after we got married and the 4 eyed freak walked right through them. She never listens to anyone or us when we say she needs to stop. She comes in our house telling us to clean our house and etc. Of course she got her wish at my wedding which was he and I not dancing at it. I hope she is happy because she was like to my cousin "good I'm glad someone lost the cd player." It really urked me and it wasn't my cousin's fault who couldn't find a cd player at all. Now he and I are planning on having children this year and she is trying her best to stop that from happening. Right now he and I are looking for houses far on the other side of town from her. But,I told my husband it probably won't do any good because she still come into that house and find something wrong with it. She is constantly meddling into my marriage life and saying she knows my husband better than I do. When she doesn't and honestly I really don't know what to do here. I need some advice please.


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Sunshyne1975 6 years ago from California, US

Thank you for this hub. My mother was strict, but now I think she wasn't strict enough with me. lol. My mother died when I was 14 and I would do anything to have her back. She will never meet my children, which breaks my heart. I have a 15 year old daughter and I fear I might be a wee bit overprotective because of everything I have been through. Maybe I'll ease up a little :)


molo 6 years ago

I have a relative who is a controlling mother and wants to control her daughter. Today she came up to me and pleaded with me to advice her daughter. Her daughter and i are close and we talk a lot. Her daughter is about to leave for college and she is thinking of moving away but her mom is so controlling she wants her to stay near and go to a community college. Today she comes out of nowhere and tries to use me so she can keep her daughter here. I am not going to be a part of her scheme to manipulate and control her daughter. I feel really bad for her daugther cuz her mom is really manipulative the fact she would even come up to me and try to use a guilt trip on me to spy on her daughter is beyond me.


Nicole 6 years ago

I understand what has been said and agree, but I'm 25 years old still leaving at home until I move out with my significant other. I just had a baby boy and my mom has been telling how to raise my son, when I can and cannot take him somewhere, how to do this how to do that. I know that mother's have been there but I want to be able to do something with my son and his father wants to also. Sometimes she will come and take him out of my arms and wont give me the chance to get him quiet. I do remember her telling me that she didn't have me as much when I was a baby all of my family members did. So she is trying to rekindle old times by using my son. She gets mad when I want to take him somewhere, and he is 4wks old. So you tell me is she controlling or just trying to be a mother.


f-ed in the head 6 years ago

I am 38 and a complete loser: honestly, my life reads like "why haven't you killed yourself sir, you definitely exceed the criteria." I have some potetial to be a computer programmer, but unfortunately things have been rough and I had to move, much to my mother's delight back into her hmm, I supose asylum would be most accurate.

Just yesterday there was a bag of about twenty cherries in the fridge, I pulled the bag out of the fridge thinking I'd polish these off, but they had spoiled. I'm not talking about: they looked a bit odd, I should get a second opinion: "Hey do these cherries look okay?" I'm talking "holy crap those cherries are bad." They were moldy and smelled quite unlike what a cherry should, so I threw them away. Not one to miss a trick, moments later here's mommy examining for herself the cherries. Now don't miss my point, my point is not the extent to which the cherries were inedible. My point is this woman could not accept nor support her first born, 38 year old son's opinion or decision to throw away 78 cents worth of cherries. With that swing of the need for control, another chunk of my self esteem falls, that of course is my own fault in mommy's version. Anyway, I shot the cunt in the face and now I'm happy!

PS Don't be a control freak, OCD, liar


Um... 6 years ago

I'm 25, and I have much less respect for my mom now than when I was 16. I've learned to see through her lies and hypcorisy.


Um.. 6 years ago

And no, my mom did not want the best for me. She didn't care if I was cutting or suicidal as long as she could brag about my grades.


tired of torchuring myself 6 years ago

my mom is sick, she masterbates in front of her children and cuts you off if you disagree with her.


so tired 6 years ago

im 52 and finally told my mom i cannot be in this toxic relationship anymore. she told me she wishes that i would get cancer and die. sometimes leaving is your only option.


Alexis 6 years ago

My mom is sick to she would care if she messed up my life. Shes a reakin nut.


Emily 6 years ago

I a a 20 year old living with a controlling mother with anger issues. She goes off and will talk a person down into the ground in just about anything. It doesn't matter what it is, as it could be something minor and she'll go off if you don't agree with her or get tired of her grinding in the ear. She'll go on for hours than stop, then start back up again and continue where she left off. She'll also bring up previous issues or silly things to continue her controlling methods, even using personal circumstances to cut a person down. She's always blaming everyone else for everything and exaggerates on how she has to do standard life activities.

The worst part is that she wants respect so much that she refuses to respect her intermediate family but will be kind and sweet to strangers and to those outside. My mom doesn't respect others decisions and will try to control and guide what she wants out of it to the point she'll selfishly wear another person down and not care about it as long as she's angry. It has come to the point that she has threatened me with no place to stay. I work a job that pays peanuts and cannot get a better one due to the economy and companies unwilling to educate and recruit new employees. She uses this as a bar of control and doesn't care if it messes up my future or destroys the things i'm working hard for. My mom will blame me for all her woes and dislikes and make personal comments about myself when things don't go her way.

The worst part about it that it doesn't take much for her to began to complain or argue and she always tries to use her position as the mother as a throne of status. She'll use me as the middle-man and blame me for practically anything. She'll complain how she is "holding" my hand but tries to discourage me when i try to do independent activities.


Dave Wollenberg 6 years ago

My mama is also controllin'. I'm 47, and still live with her in my own separate apartment within her house,'cause she claims I can't live on my own. That could be true, but I want to do many things still independent of her. I especially wanna get my Comcast Digital Preferred cable package back. I completely CAN'T STAND Uverse TV. I make enough money in my job to pay for everything, but she gives me that same old mantra,'It's too much of a hassle to switch back.' People switch back to Comcast multiple times. She's denyin' me my right to be happy. I'd like to switch back while she and her boyfriend are on a cruise. I'll be off work that week, and I'll definitely supervise the work of both the Uverse, and Comcast techs, so she couldn't complain about any so-called 'hassle', of which there isn't any. If she needs somebody to pay half the Uverse bill, she can always ask her boyfriend. If they love each other, I'm sure he'll be glad to help her out. She says she's a Christian, but her actions say otherwise. God bless! I'd welcome any help in dealin' with her.


Jack 6 years ago

It is your own guilt that prevents you from seeing you controlling mothers for what they are - manipulative and toxic parents. As long you protect yourself from this truth by making out excuses for their behavior (she doesn't mean any harm, she just wants what's best for me, she isn't bad, she's just...) you will never be free. How many of you secretly love the false security that these controlling mothers provide? If you can not imagine your life without your mother you will never fully grow up. And make no mistake, you will also be a bad parent, and you will do harm unto your children, no matter how good your intentions are (just like them!). it is the true meaning of phrase: "Now i know how they felt, they were right to feel taht way" (controlling).


it s me 5 years ago

I have a problme with my mom, i have a great mom but I don't like it when she controls me, she has to learn to let me go.. let me have my plans and learn from them...

by the way i reall y appreciate the intelligent post from a Lady (still struggling)

Im sorry that you been through those tough times but you have created a strong character...

many people could fall to victim of bitterness and anger

of course that is what we all feel but developing strengh and patience and forgiveness...

that is hard work.. but its better to forgive then harbour all that pain..

I would n't say that im going threw a difficult time when many others r suffering actual abuse...

its just that im fed up with what is currently going on in my life right now...

and i guess i have to take what i have and make use of it... right?

but its sooo hard my situation is kinda hard... i own a house with my mom sooo meaning we share everything..

and she doesing relize how she can be too much...

i would appreciate more of a friendship rather then a babysitter...

it must be hard for her to see me acting careless but the reason why i act like i don't care is because i know what she is going to say and im annoyed!!!!!!!!

soo yeah... i 'm a very emotional person as you could probably tell,,,i let emotions control me too easily

omg i don't know what to do i guess i should just make the best of it..

i mean what else be upset still???

god help us!


AngryAngel 5 years ago

"f-ed in the head", you post resonated so much with me. I'm also 38, living in the same house as my Mum, hold down a full-time job, run a car, but she will NOT treat me as an equal. If I go round the house at night closing all the doors and windows, she won't trust that they're closed, she has to go round and check them all herself. She complains I don't lift a finger round the house, but:

- I'm not allowed to do my own laundry (waste of electricity and water) - it has to be done with hers when she does it (while I'm at work).

- We eat what she wants, when she wants to eat. I'm not even allowed to reheat something she's cooked previously (waste of electricity). *If* I help out by preparing food, she comes and stands over me watching my every move, and making unhelpful critical comments ("you'd be quicker at that if you did it more often"). She starts the evening meal before I arrive home from work and Sunday lunch before I arrive home from church, and if I try to help, as I said she stands over me and scrutinizes how I do everything. Intimidating.

Last winter she was sick with a chest infection; one Saturday my sister was visiting, it was around lunchtime and we were going to have soup and sandwiches for lunch. She had to almost pin my mum in her chair to stop her coming intp the kitchen while I heated up 2 cans of soup and buttered 4 slices of bread!

I'm not even entitled to privacy - she invades mt privacy ALL THE TIME, treats my bedroom like an extension of the lounge, walks in whenever she chooses.

Suggestions are either met with dead silence or shot down with scorn. I've been asking her for 6 MONTHS to contact the cable company because my STB is f-ed, as the acccount is in her name; she still hasn't. I've also been on at her to get a wireless connection in the house so we can wireless network her old computer, this PC and my new netbook. She claims to have spoken to a guy that runs a computer shop where we live, but has not taken it any further. I have even offered to pay, but have been told "No".

She operates total double standards - when she speaks to me she demands my total attention or else she throws a strop; when I speak she stands there tapping her foot and looking bored. When she's watching TV, woe betide if I speak; when I'm watching TV she constantly interrupts and talks over programs (she even comes in and does this when I'm watching TV in MY room!). We both do crafts - she expects gushing praise from me for every little thing; I barely get a grunt from her in return about my crafts.

She's hypercritical; if there are 9 positive things and 1 negative thing she will focus on the negative. She rarely praises, and when she does it's always qualified with a "but...".

More examples:

My late grandmother lived with us for a while. As she was quite frail we had to have all these aids around the house - one of the was a frame around the toilet that had arms and a raised seat. One night I wanted to get the toilet brush to clean the toilet bowl. Becuase of the frame, I could only reach the brush's handle and not the holder. As I lifted it, the holder fell off making a lot of noise and some liquid splashed around (it was bleach/disinfectant). As I was lifting the frame out of the way so I could mop up, she came rushing up the stairs and DRAGGED me out of the bathroom and started mopping up herself. When I protested that I was capable of doing it myself, she fired back a scornful "YOU won't do it PROPERLY".

One night after dinner recently, I put our 2 lap trays on the dining table while I made tea, intending to wipe them and put them back while the tea was brewing. Guess what? She not only made sure she beat me to it, she did it pointedly, like she was making out I'd forgotten to do it, and she followed it up with a tirade about it being little things like that that annoyed her. I tried to point out that there are "little things" she does/omits to do that annoy me to, e.g. like not putting the cushions back on my armchair when she's stacked them for the dog when she lets him in MY room while she's using the computer, or not wiping the window where he's left smears with his nose. She shot these down, dismissing them as "irrelevant".

After she impulse-bought a new TV for the lounge, she took my flatscreen TV that I'd bought myself and replaced it with her old widescreen TV from the lounge, and put my TV in her bedroom. She didn't ask me if I wanted it, or if it was OK to take my TV; she just did it and expected me to be grateful because I was getting a "better" (i.e. bigger) TV than the one I had.

I want out; I will have to rent, can't afford to buy. But apparently my only options (according to her) are buy or stay with her; I am not allowed to rent. Then again on another occasion when I said I wanted to move out, she turned round and said melodramativally stated that she would have to sell the house if I moved out, as she would not be able to keep up the payments. Emotionally manipulative drama queen.


DEBZ 5 years ago

My own mother tells me that she wants to move in my own house with my hubby and my kids and wants me out in her house. She wants to take over and threaten's me to get to me! I'm thinking she wants to get into my hubby pants because she is now divorced and wants to experience having children. Well she is not getting into my house for that reason! If she wants a man she can go an have one and fuck him for her own pleasure, I really don't care! She is not getting to my man! I'm not jealous, but she is going to far just to get at me! She says she is faithful etc etc and goes church pretty much every day! She says she is working on going to heaven! But I really don't think she will but doing this to me! If I tell her to f*** off she will get against me and turn my life upside down and tell me I am the nasty one! She doesn't listen, she said have you finished letting off your steam and thinks all is ok! I've told her many times to leave me alone and she doesn't get it! She is to me mentally ill and she is dening it and says to me with a threat that you think I'm mentally ill, well I think you are too and you are not going to say I am! Do I look mentally ill if you know me! I'm not even close and don't try to get into other ppl's house to possibly one day get into their pants to get pleasure of my own lifestyle as mine is better than hers!


Mother too Controlling 5 years ago

I'm 18, my mother wont let me go out without me telling her where I am, what I'm doing and when I've finished, she wants to pick me up instead of me walking home with my friends. She drops me off, picks me up from college and wont let me go there with my friends. She has made me go into sciences when I prefer English based subjects, and it has ruined my education. She always tells me to revise and that I don't do any of it, when I do. She controls me going on the computer and controls the amount of time I go on it and my game console. I joined a basketball club, and got a scholarship to a college in Florida, she wants me to go into sciences and not sports. Everytime I ask 'why' she says 'Because I said so'. She called my girlfriend a slut, and I threatened to leave the house, and she broke down and started crying.PLEASE HELP AND GIVE ME SOME ADVICE


amber 5 years ago

its because the moms are jelous old women that control and sceam and are always angery cause they old and aint gettin any!!!


Liv 5 years ago

I noticed I posted months ago. Do I dare say how embarrassing having a religious control freak of a mother I have. The hubs and I have moved in our own house. She doesn't get it that it is mine and his not mine and hers. She comes in telling me the house needs to be cleaned and I'm like if you wanna clean it the broom closet is right there. She is all like to me don't sass me I'm just like leave now and thank you. Well anyways my husband has to work late some nights and she is always asking when does he work late what hours does he get off. I'm like ugh go away woman and leave us alone. If I do not call she calls a few nights later well I didn't know if you two were alive or not. I hope you're alright the hubby and I have had enough of her. She won't cut the string at all on me. We thought moving to our own house would keep her away but we was wrong. I told him I will be glad when we get out of this town we live in and far far away from her. Its going to boil more and more down to the point I won't even freaking call nor pick up the phone.


Blondie 5 years ago

My whole life I have done exactly what my mom wanted, dressed that way, looked that way, spoke that way, never swore, got those grades even pretended to love the religion she chose for me because she said I could make my own choice when I turned 13. Now I am 14, nearly 15 and she wont let me out of the religion, I have never celebrated Christmas for her never had or gone to a birthday party for her, didn't even ask to get a phone till 3 months ago, never had a boyfriend, never even had friends till last year. I have been the freak my whole life because I thought I would be able to get out of it without hurting her feelings if I waited just a little longer, but no. I need help I can't take it any more, what should I do?

I have tried talking to her, telling her how I feel but it doesn't work, I know she trusts me, for 12 WHOLE years (not including before I turned 2) I did exactly what she wanted, when she wanted. I am SICK of it, help?


Anonymous 5 years ago

What if you're still a minor living with your mom? And she's controlling, abusive, AND miserable? What do I do?


Graham 5 years ago

Interesting post. I agree that it must be difficult for even the most well-balanced mother to let go when the time is appropriate. But I think it's naïve to think that mothers only want what is best for their children: parents are human too, and their own needs and fears come into play as well.

Sometimes the adult child has to take responsibility for breaking emotional ties that are no longer appropriate because the parents lacks the resources or wherewithal to do so. Being a man with a controlling mother, I know how hard this can be. You might be interested in my article from a man's perspective on How to Recover from a Controlling Mother at: http://confidentman.net/masculinity/recover-contro...

Cheers,

Graham


Michelle 5 years ago

I've always been scared of my mother. Growing up, I was rarely allowed to attend sleepovers. At least, I was, but she'd throw a fit and threaten me. It was embarrassing always having the be the girl that left early, I never got to stay behind and play.

I feel like I've been socially stunted. She gets so upset if I want to go out with friends. I had a nonexistent social life beyond the perimeters of my high school. Being home always makes me feel like I'm imprisoned. Without a car, and with my mom's paranoid disapproval of me ever going out to spend time with friends, I've pretty much lost all of my contacts.

In college, I was afraid to tell her about my boyfriend. I was so scared that she would take away the one person that truly listened to everything I had to say. She eventually found out, but I still don't ever mention his name in front of her, she hates him. Sadly, I don't see why. He's fantastic.

Now, I've almost graduated and I don't think she wants me to move away to further my career. I have a lot of ambition, but considering my aspirations, there's nothing really for me in my hometown. She constantly guilts me into thinking that she'll be left all alone and that she needs someone to watch over her. She raised me and my siblings to be very family-oriented, so I feel like I would be selfish to pursue a career instead of staying home with my family.

I feel like this upbringing has shaped me into my well-mannered and quietly rebellious personality. I feel like I'm too nice; I let things pass me by because I'm scared of the consequences. I just smile and nod and wish and hope that it'll all go away and that someday I'll be able to breath and be my own person. She never lets me say anything in return. Everything I do is wrong. I am not good enough. I can't have a boyfriend. I can't move. I can't wear this or that. I can't ever cut my hair or get it styled. Too much makeup, too little makeup. It's never-ending. I just want freedom.


Marj 5 years ago

Hi

I am 41 and in the last few years i have been having problems with my mum...It started about 3 yrs ago when she came out of hospital. Everyday i visited her in hospital and took my dad, but at this time i was going through a very difficult time myself, having just split up with my partner and having 2 very young children to look after ( 1yrs and 3yrs)...I told her that i wasn't really in a position to be able to help her very much because if i took the kids up to her house it would be so difficult looking after them and her at the same time cos she wasn't able to look after them...My dad was around then and even though his health weren't that great he could do basic things like hoover, dust, shopping and making a simple dinner...I was struggling with my own stuff at home, my house was upside down and her house was absolutely imaculate ! So i was verbally beaten up for not helping her ! I walked out the house and never spoke for 6 weeks. Since then there has been a strain and she has also gone against my wishes of her not given my oldest son cows milk products because it gives him eczema..she said she should be able to give her grandchildren what she wants ! and told me she was a better mother than me ! I slapped her ! She is still being controlling and i haven't visited her for 2 months, with the kids, and she is now threating me to take me to court so that she can see the kids when she wants !

Help !!!


Drey 5 years ago

Yeah, right. My mother lives her entire life through me. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough. I am 14 and don't know how to escape her. Help, please! She doesn't even care that I have my life under control without her. She doesnt understand that I am the most responsible kid I know. She blatantly refuses to let me get a phone with internet access, even when I offerred to pay for the plan. She has drilled into me that I have to ask her before I do anything. I can't evn buy a pack of gum on my own without her jumping all over me. I have to hide my reciepts! I dont know what to do. All the help I've found is for legal adults. HELP!


Drey 5 years ago

Yeah, right. My mother lives her entire life through me. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough. I am 14 and don't know how to escape her. Help, please! She doesn't even care that I have my life under control without her. She doesn't understand that I am the most responsible kid I know. She blatantly refuses to let me get a phone with internet access, even when I offerred to pay for the plan. She has drilled into me that I have to ask her before I do anything. I can't evn buy a pack of gum on my own without her jumping all over me. I have to hide my reciepts! I don't know what to do. All the help I've found is for legal adults. HELP!


jk 5 years ago

I'm losing the bond I had with my mother she controls everything I do and if I ever stand up for myself she takes it out on dad nearly every day. She seems to enjoy arguing with him especially when she twists words to make herself seem right. Recently I have gone along with her restrictions like not seeing my friends all summer holidays but either helping her with properties. If I tell her that I have already made plans she threatens to kick me out and them we argue and 10 mins after she forces me to admit I

wrong and if i don't i get abuse all day and she always wants to make me feel bad. The feeling build up inside as this happens every day and with no 1 to talk to coz I rarely go out without my mother interviewing me with every friend I no ( mostly from school and there's alot of people) if she doesn't recognise the name she expects a report on that person she doesn't trust me and I have never been drunk when many of my friends have. The worst part Is know 1 is willing to listen and this makes me feel like I'm inferior as they just say its me. My mother follows me round when I'm out and tells me that if I don't get a girlfriend with alot of money she will disown me but I value personality and just want to be happy not pressured into a relation ship. I feel as if I don't have a choice in life and she doesn't realise she Is pushing me away with all of her threats. It makes me so angry some times and I doubt if I'm sane because it puts me under so much pressure. I'm not a popular person at school and avoid the wanna be cool people who follow each other and have no personalities which I am always interested in because good friends seem to let me know who I am. I just which my mother could give me some space at least I know I'm only 16 but I feel like her controlling me isn't healthy and affects me mentally because it is so frequent. I'm adopted and some times I feel like I'm the one to blame because I might not be the son she wanted but I just want to be me can any 1 relate to this?


lils 5 years ago

Maybe this can help a few of you out there...

I also have had many many problems with my mother.. she tries controlling me. Right now, I am married with one daughter. My husband and I try setting boundaries. For instance, neither of us talk to her alone... so she can not attack either one of us by ourselves. We use each other as a strength. If she calls and my husband is not home, I don't answer. If she tries stopping by, I tell her to come back after my husband is home from work. And he does the same with her because she tries to attack us when we are alone with her. If she tries arguing with us while we are with her, we leave.

When I was younger, as soon as I was 18 I moved out and got away- and that was the best decision I ever made.

I also got a therapist. Therapists are not just for crazy people... they can help you to sort out your thoughts and feelings. My therapist also gave me tools to use for the moments with her that become heated or uncomfortable for me.


lils 5 years ago

One more thing... many religions will help pay for treatment. Or if you are in high school, go to your school counseler! That is what they are there for, and can help you.


bethany 5 years ago

im 21 years old and i have an almost 4 year old that my mother tries to mother herself. ive adopted my husbands 3 children and my mother wants nothing to do with them. If she doesn't get to see my 4 year old just by himself she will literally throw a fit of crying until she gets her way, not because i give in but because she will send my dad and sister over to talk to me and tell me how selfish i am for making her cry and not caring. she feels she needs one on one time with him every week and could care less about the other children who she thinks are complete brats. she hates my husband because we actually discipline our children. my father actually tried to tell me that my son will be spending the night over there and that is that. then my mother told me i better listen... i didn't listen and there is nothing they can do. my mother is actually so manipulative that she gets my dad to go do her dirty work when she throws her fits. he came over to my house calling my husband a little F#$%er of a husband in his own house... i was raised to never insult someone in their own home. my husband is very upset about all the drama, we are seriously thinking about moving away just to get away from her and her controlling issues that she thinks she can get away with.

i could go on and on about how ridicules my situation is but im sure you didn't come to this site to hear me vent. i just want to be treated like a 21 year old and not a 15 year old.


jay 5 years ago

I have a very controlling mum. I'm 31 and it doesn't improve. I'm scared of her even at this age. If she doesn't agree with me she shouts her head off and ignores me for days weeks etc. She doesn't treat my brother this way so its such double standards. I've always been honest with her but now I'll just have to lie to keep the peace. Hate lying but I don't have much choice anymore. Refreshing to read everyones stories so I know I'm not the only one.


Cya 5 years ago

I'm not trying to stir shit up or anything but I feel that controlling mums really are just power-tripping. bad mums can ignore their kids, OR they can engulf them, but both of these extremes are EQUALLY damaging.

My mum is controlling and abusive, emotionally, and occationally physically. But even if she wasn't violent at all it would still qualify as abuse even by itself. She looked like a good mum on the outside because at least she involved herself, right?

I'm not saying that wonderful mothers don't exist. Of course they do. But they're not the whole story, not by a long way.

Controlling mothers and society is an issue because our society, our culture, has a blind spot when it comes to abusive mothers. We have this image of the perfect mother, the smiling serene woman with her head bent fondly over her kid's.. holding the little child safely and lovingly etc. So not only did my own mother tell me that she's a perfect mother and any thoughts otherwise are down to my craziness, but society is says the same thing! This makes being the daughter of an abusive mother a very lonely path. I couldn't share my frustration even with my closest friends. Not because they're uncaring necessarily, but because they just don't understand. "I know, my mother's very annoying too." And I crave to have the words to explain to her that this is so beyond mere 'annoying' that it's in a different world.

It's disgusting but some mums don't "love" their kids, in the altruistic sense, so much as they have no identity outside of being a mum.

I have adopted an existential philosophy and I am organising my suicide bit by bit. I still have a spec of hope for a normal life, but it's not much. Thinking about my childhood never fails to bring me incredible depression and shame. I feel like god fed me to her. Because he hates me, and it amuses him to see me tormented. But I believe that life is meaningless anyway. Even if i had a happy childhood and good parents, lot's of hope, and a future and a happy life, it wouldn't matter that much because life would still be meaningless; I would just be under the delusion that it's actually meaningful.

Curiosity and hope keeps me alive, but I'm getting closer to death every day. Closer than everybody thinks I am.


Dude 5 years ago

Regardless my mom is an asshole, she controls me at 21 and basically wants to keep me as a sort of prisoner, offers me no privacy and always checks on me like I'm 2 years old. If I even decide to play video games she acts like a total bitch, as it is I go to University as well so she causes a lot of stress for me and is causing me to go crazy since I have no free will and am always told what to do. I feel like killing myself or something.


Anon 4 years ago

I liked how you began by qualifying mother with 'good', and I agree; mother's are terrifying because they want the best and most for their kids. And, yes, they can go about it in 'weierd' ways.

I too 'escaped' as a teenager becaue of the preassure; I moved 300 miles from my mother, from everybody i knew infact, and didn't return for five years.

It is my brother's birthday in two days. My mother and I decided to bake him a cake together. Today I visited my mother (at the time she had decided) to offer her some money for the ingrediants, as she told me she already had them and not to buy any.

When I bake with friends, we share the cost and effort. When I offered my mum ten pounds to cover what I figured would be half the cost, including decorations, my mother aggressively, in a raised voice, proceeded to verbally list every ingrediant, price and the items she has 'had to' buy followed by every ingrediant needed to bake a cake. After having a recipe (I was already well aquianted with) shouted at me, the total, she said was £18. Well, I'd already done that calculation (without the added dollop of rage) and wasn't that why I offered her ten pounds?

While I refrained from saying that outloud, I did say (in a very calm voice): 'Please, don't speak to me so aggreively.' After five years busting my chops in London, I'm a grown woman who would not tolerate being spoken to like that by anybody else, or as though I do not appreciate the cost of things.

Asking my mum not to speak to me in such a manner resulted in my mum really blowing up. She told me four times 'I've been at work all day. I just want five minutes to not have everyone in my face'. 'Everyone' has always been the name for me, since I can remember. What's more, We've both been at work all day. Anyhow, I told her no problem, I'd get out her hair for a bit, to which she said 'that's it, walk out, like usual'. My turn to say, 'I thought you wanted some time to chill-' Mother's time to interupt 'Don't tell me how I can speak in my own house. Don't tell me what I want. ANd don't twist me words. I'll pay for it all now I have anyway and I want to do it (still shouting, and getting louder) and I'll enjoy it.'

Who'd argue with a lady, holding icing pens and shouting aggresively that she is going to enjoy baking a cake...lol

On a serious note, there are other ways to tell someone you have had a long day. I find it hard to remain calm, but I know she's only shouting because she wants it to be perfect...an she does bake better cakes than me. I was hoping to be on icing-moulding detail...I still am.

In reply to 'Dude':

I know it is hard to be a student and support yourself...I've done it for two degrees, but

at 21 you really are a willing prisoner, Dude.

I'd consider leaving the house perminently, before I considered leaving life perminently.

I wish you luck and hope if you become a parent you never have to experience what it feels like to have the kid you've dedicated your life to refer to you as an arse hole'.


Anon 4 years ago

Reading more comments,I wanted to clarify what some of the preassures that made me move hundreds of miles from everyone I knew, with no money etc were. There's a reason I didn't give details, and equally a reason I now am.

Constant critisicim (despite being an A* student, athlete and volunteering for charity) that I was fat and unatractive - I was a size 0 (I didn't dare be anything else. I ate no more than 500 a day and was maknurished / hungry always)

She'd tell me to leave, then tell people I'd 'run away again'. People in the street would feel fit to tell me how cruel I was and the pain I caused my mother, while I was sleeping in squats or the street...experiencing flea bites, body lice, lips blue with cold, starving literally because even in her house which was full of food, I sarved. I was raped. Sometimes people chased me. I was threatened with a knife. The list goes on.

She verbally could be very harsh and on one occasion slammed my arm in a fire door three times. Then she called the police, told them she'd assaulted me and stood over me, while trying to keep my voice even (the pain in my arm was intense) I listened the officer tell me if i say what she's said is true they have to, at the very least, make a record of the incident, even if i don't want to press charges. My mum would've possibly lost her job if I told the truth, but it is a crime to lie to the police. My mum knew what he was doing and watched while, sobbing, i tried to plead with the police an convince them she hadn't hurt me and I'd made it up so she'd called the police to teach me a lesson...all the time cradling my arm and saying 'I'm sorry' while the police told me how serious lying is.

Other things went on, but I think that gives an idea as to what the preassures were.

Like someone else said, my mother too never treat my brother like this.

I've read comments in which other people are experiencing abusive situations. If you are under 16, you need to seek outside help, of course, but if you are 16 or over...it is your choice whether you endure this. I'm speaking as someone who has and who escaped...and as someone who has returned and made the choice, despite the past, to try and have a relationship with her mother.

My mother isn't evil or...I'm not even going to say the names I used to hate myself for thinking as a kid...she'sgot some very serious negatives. She also, and I think all people do, however deep they try bury them, has some very beautiful positives.

I have forgiven her. She never said 'I'm sorry', but I can see how she is trying and that is her apology and i accept it. I don't want an apology, I want a mother...and she is that. I'm not saying anyone else should do as I have, but everyone has a choice...at least, every *adult* has a choice.

Forgivenessis not always the easy option, but I've not been an angel in my life and people in glass house etc...I just figure an eye for an eye leaves the world blind and I don't wanna' scramble through life in the vold dark...I've been there and even if life doesn't have a point, why suffer if you don't have to.

Best of luck to you all (sons, daughters and parents). I truelly mean that. responsibility for that.


Nipuni 4 years ago

hi my name is nipuni and im south asain. i was brought up very strctly bby my parents, especialy my mother. who i hate at the moment for controling my life. im the 2nd of three daughters in my family, and i was always put down by every one as i wasn't good in my studies. my parents are from an arranged marriage and thy seem to have a happy life together, i think thy want us to go on in the same path which i don't like and don't believe in. my mother is a very controlling person when it comes to everything. she did not show me love or care at all where my other sisters specialy my younger sister was favored by her always. and my older sister aswell, as they were really good in there studies and stil are. after my gcse's i was sent to london for further education. i did great in all my studies after i came to the uk. i came to uk on my own when i was 17. but a year before i came to uk i fell in love with a guy but the next year i was rushed to uk. i cried for weeks. and i was never askd from anyone in my family other dan my boyfriend how i was doing if i had eaten. my parents did pay for my studies and also my expenses as i did not have a job for sometime. after about a year in uk i was offered a job and my boyfriend came to uk beacause of me. everything went perfecet. i did not feel lonely, sad. i was very happy with my boyfriend with me by my side. we helped each other, we looked after each other. he taught me about life, what's it about. as back home my sisters and i were not allowed attend to our friends parties or even just to hang out with our friends. we have never had our own birthday party. so we didn't get a chance to learn about life, people and many things. we were only told to get a good education. this was all my mothers idea of controlling her children and making us good people which i think is just a ridiculous way. so in uk for about 1 and a hlf years my boyfriend and i were soo happy, but after few months he had to go back home to apply for visa. so i sent some things i bought for my family through him, so when he meet them they weil atleast get to know him. but as soon as my mother saw him she hated him. she did not even thank him for bringing the things i bought for them, infact they havnt spoken a word!. so now my boyfriend is back home sorting out his visa documents trying to come to uk. and when ever i speak to my mother she always talks bad things about him. she hasn't even spoken to him to even judge him that way. now i have got a chance to go back home for a week. im working very hard now since i got my job to atleast pay for my expenses. and i have been working nonstop with out a single break. but nobody really care about that other than my boyfriend. the reason im going back home is to see my boyfriend. my mtoher doesn't know that hes my boyfriend who looked after me very well when i was in uk. she very suspicious about us and told that i will be staying home for the whole week. no friends no going out to have a good time. absolutely nothing. i don't understand why shes being so heatless towards me always.


pnay 4 years ago

My mother has got to be the most controlling mom. I'm 25 and she still treats me as a 10 year old. When I was a baby, she left me living with my grandparents in another country and took me back when i turned 20. I'm living with her still until I finish college 3 months from now. It's hard. I'm supposed to get married but she freaks out and guilt trip me about things and tells me I need to marry a rich guy. She compares me to celebrity kids saying their parents are lucky coz they have children that are rich. Wtf!!! I'm a good person, I never did drugs, never slept around and only been with the guy I'm with now. She never sees it. She said if I sleep with a guy, he needs to pay me. Wtf I'm not a prostitute!! And she's talking about my fiancé!

If I'm still awake at night, she goes to my room and tells me to go to sleep. When I go get food she complains because its a waste of money. My mom is ridiculously tripping!!! I hate her so much!!! Then I try to invite her to go out so she can have fun, she said she doesn't want to waste her time. I just good her i will buy her a Christmas tree and guess what?! She got sooooooo mad because she said I'm just bringing a mess inside the house and that I buy like as if I know how to throw it after Christmas. She is such an ass!!!! She wants me to be a daughter who can provide for her but she can't even be a mother!!!!!


Rebecca 4 years ago

That is true. But sometimes it goes beyond that. My mother always wanted what was best for me. I don't deny it. But she went overboard. In high school, i chose my sophomore year classes, and had to get a signature on the final schedule. She didn't like a couple of the classes I chose because she didn't think they were hard enough, so she refused to sign it. She had a meeting with my principal and they planned my schedule for me without even consulting me. I never even saw the final result until The school year started. She was overbearing, controlling, and thought that all the disagreements I had with her I had because I was rebelling and was trying to hurt her. She is paranoid and thinks everyone is against her. I left home when I turned 16. And have never regretted it. I graduated as valedictorian of my high school class and put myself through a four year college . I am currently applying for vet school. I bought my own car, got my own jobs, chose my own classes, paid my way through college all on my own, and don't really contact her anymore. I have a loving fiancé and for the first time ever, I'm happy.

We all want to believe that mother's always do what's best for us, but sometimes it's what's best for them. My mother was trying to fix the mistakes she made with my life, regardless of what I wanted. Parent-child relationships aren't always as perfect as we'd like them to be.


Pauline 4 years ago

I found this site by chance looking for a definition of 'controlling' I can give my mother, who is 84. She just doesn't understand what it means and I don't hae the energy to try and explain how she controlled me as a child and teenager. I am now 60 and feel my life is just not worth living anymore. I can't sleep because things go over and over in my mind. I write them down in the night. She has been controlling most of my life! Our relationship has deteriorated because I am now 'standing up' for myself for the first time in my life. My father has been in hospital for 4 months and I have had to get a second opinion, deal with a complaint etc and she can't stand it, that she's not in control. My father spent two months in his room September 2011 to November 2011 and I went to help most days. One day she started screaming at me that I had 'taken over' and because I spoke to the hospital she screamed 'why can't I be involved'. I have spent more time with my mother in the past 6 months because I am taking her to the hospital. Huge cracks are appearing in family relationships - I have a younger brother (58) and have lived my life listening to how wonderful and successful he is. She accuses me of being jealous, but I am not. When my father was in intensive care after his second peration (he has since had 3 more) she started on me on the way home and said some 'evil' things to me. I wrote it all down to get it out of my head. I have tried to get on with my life for my father's sake and because I have to drive her to the hospital several times a week. Yesterday she said something on the way home, but I felt so upset and angry that I telephoned and told her so and that she should not have said something. I told her I hadn't got over what she had said to me in December and that I doubted I ever would. She then said that I deserved it and that it had been a long time coming. I feel sick, haven't slept and just cannot explain to her what she has done to me as a child etc.

Can anyone understand this or been through similar. It would take too long to explain everything, but I just don't know what to do and dread her dying so that I never resolve these issues. I've had counselling and she taks about my psychological problems (most contributable to her in some way) but she would never accept responsibility and is too old to go for counselling. She was crying that she's at the end of her life and doesn't need this upset, but what she said to me will live with me for the rest of my life. Please, can somebody help me to get over this? Thank you.


Catherine 4 years ago

I have a overparenting mother too. Things got out of control especially after my father died. I wasn't even allowed to go to the famous high school I wanted because "it was too far from home". I'm 25 and a university student and I have never had a boyfriend or anything like that although there would have been many opportunities because I was the most popular girl at school. The boy I liked most married a woman who resembles me a lot. It's sad to notice that I haven't had a normal youth (I was buried under books). Even though I am 25 my mother still tries to set all sorts of rules about things like when I can go out with my friends etc. The only thing I am happy about is that I've finally figured this out (thanks to my teacher education) so I've decided to move out next year and start legal studies at the university which is over 500 miles from home :D . I want my freedom!!!

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