Moving Forward After Incest
She did a great job on this video
I survived 10 years of incest and abuse. I hear people say they have moved on, but I wonder what that opinion of moving on is. I can’t say I fully have or ever fully will. Even though I am living a pretty good life, I still have moments where as I fall asleep at night I think of my father getting into my bed as a child. I worry about men I see at the park while my children are playing. After years of therapy I have accepted what happened to me. I learned that harping on it would not make me a better person. That thinking about it constantly would not help me move on.
I have not seen either of my parents since July 15, 1998. That day is a day I will never forget.
I hope that what I have been through can be helpful to someone, even if it is just one person.
I have gone through a lot since that day in 1998. Those moments have led me to a pretty good part of my life. So I hope if you have found this page because you are a survivor, that you will know it IS possible to make it through the storm.
Moving Forward After Incest
The one thing I think is most important for all survivors to remember is that no matter what, it was not your fault. Typically incest is brainwashed into children. The victim is either taught that what is happening is right or scared into not telling. No matter which case yours is you should understand that you couldn’t have made it better.
The second most important thing, in my opinion, is to get help. No matter how many times you may have been to a therapist or a counselor more therapy usually can’t hurt any. Be honest with them, and tell them what you need out of them. The next thing is remember no one will ever fully understand. While I think you should expect your significant other to recognize your issues and respect the fact you may have different needs, you can’t expect them to understand.
You may be less trusting, over needy, extremely independent, or you may act like nothing ever happen. Just realize it takes a lot of love and compassion to be willing and able to be in a relationship with someone with deep issues. As time goes by I think we all learn a little more. We bring ourselves to higher levels, or we bring ourselves down further than we were.
Don’t spend life wishing you were normal. Spend life being happy that you aren’t! Love yourself before you expect other to love you. In group therapy the one thing we all seemed to agree on was that we were more insecure than we wanted to be. Learn to find things about yourself that are great.
Get the help you need to become sexual again if you aren’t. Sometimes having a happy sex life can make for a happier you. Learning that the one we are with now is NOT the person that hurt us is a great thing.
Finally be happy. Do the things that make you feel great! Live happy. Learn to deal with it and excuse the expression, but learn to suck it up. Always know that there is someone out there that has had it a lot worse than you. If need be seek out those people. Learn from them and move on in your own way!
Update Four Years Later
It's hard to believe it has been four years since I originally wrote this. In that time some things have changed and others have stayed the same. When I wrote this I only had two children, both boys. I now have a three year old daughter and I must say that my past has dramatically changed my view on raising a little girl. I must remind myself on a regular basis that I can not control everything. I have to tell myself that I can not shelter my daughter because of the things I went through! Yes anyone can do something wrong. Yes the world is full of bad people who thrive off of hurting innocent children. NO I do not need to let that control my life.
In the last four years my view on moving forward has not changed. I still know that no one will fully understand how I feel. I know that it wasn't my fault, yet still have to remind myself of it. I still refuse to be normal because I am happy with my weird self! It's hard. The nightmares never go away. The memories never fade as much as I wish they would, but I get by pretty damn well if you ask me!
Good luck to all of you out there that have to move past the feelings that come with surviving incest.
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