I Am Always Late

I'd love to say that my lack of punctuality is because I'm a mom, but truth be told, I was never on time before I had them either. However... since I have become a mom, and a responsible adult, I've been able to look at where I had gone wrong in the past and make adjustments. I'm still late, but without those adjustments I'd be really, really late. As it is now, I'd be on time of it weren't for those pesky kids.

Other adults without children wonder why I'm so late all the time. They wonder what on Earth could keep me from arriving on time every single time. Let's take a look, shall we? Here is a typical Wednesday. Jayden has an ABA appointment (applied behavior analysis: it's to help him read, organize and socialize) at 3:00 in the the next city over in Beverly. It is 15 minutes away. He's had this time and day for 2 or 3 years now. Here's why I haven't shown up on time for this appointment all year:

12:00pm "All right girls lets get dressed and eat some lunch. We are going to be on time today."

12:04 "No Laney, my heels, knee socks, a bikini bottom, and your Bruins jersey does not an outfit make. You are not Lady Gaga, you must wear pants."

12:12 "Peanut butter or grilled cheese, those are the options every day. I didn't set these options, they are your own and they don't change, chose one or one will be chosen for you... grilled cheese it is."

12:25 "I don't waaaaaaaaaaaaaaant grilled cheese!" One cold grilled cheese for for the dog.

12:30 "Jacinda!!! Smashing peas on your shirt is The Worst choice. Upstairs. We must change."

12:32 "Hmmmm. This poop trash is full. Crap! It's trash day! Crap! I hear the truck.

12:33 I've got a baby naked from the waist down under one arm and I'm holding a 60lb bag of smelly poop trash out at arm's length in the other as I sprint downstairs, out the door and out to the trash barrels that are thankfully already placed curbside.

12:35 I'm chit-chatting with an old lady neighbor, naked baby still under my arm.

12:36 My leg suddenly feels warm.

12:37 Back in the house, upstairs, finish diapering baby. Put the dirty diaper into the poop trash. Shit! There's no liner.

12:38 Downstairs for a liner.

12:39 Upstairs finishing this diaper three act play

12:40 "What was I doing? Oh yes, pee on my leg, I need to change."

12:41 All of my good clean underwear are down in the basement in the laundry room. All that's left up here are ugly granny panties that fit in my 9th month of pregnancy, or the lacy stringy things that fit two children ago.

12:42 Back on with the pee-leg pants, all the way downstairs we go. I'm changing in the basement, here's to hoping that the neighbors aren't in our shared driveway.

12:45 "Mama, can I go outside?" "Yes, but don't get dirty, we're going to be on time today."

12:46 Oh hi, Pinterest.

1:10 Shitballs! I have to take out something for dinner.

1:11 7 Frozen things fall onto my foot trying to get a package of chicken.

1:15 Jacinda falls asleep in her play yard. Score!

1:20 The little boy next door rings my bell setting off a catastrophic chain of events including the dog barking and freaking out which leads to him pulling his muscle, the baby wakes up ferociously, and I need to hunt down my daughter, because the girls are not letting the little boy play.

1:23 I locate Delaney in the little girl's house, she is wearing the little girl's fairy costume (without her previous outfit) and is covered in freeze pop. I tell her to go back in, and change while I wait at the gate discussing the current events with the little boy.

1:30 "Laney, did you get lost? Come down here NOW!"

1:33 Laney saunters out and I walk her back home to be cleaned.

1:34 Jacinda has climbed to the top of her play yard. She's babbling "yayayayayayayayayaayayayaayayayyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee" and looking like she's playing Medea in some community theatre. She's convincing. I grant her her freedom.

1:36 Laney is cleaned and her shoes are on. But she slips back outside. I hope that she remembers we are trying to be on time today.

1:37 I should probably eat some lunch. We gotta be outta here by 2:30. Sharp! ... Where's the baby.

1:38 I find Jacinda, she has found a bag of paperwork and has spread everything all out on the floor. "No! No!" Back in the play yard you go, baby. I can't handle paperwork not facing the same way, so that takes some time to clean up. Hopes of a delicious lunch are dashed.

1:45 I get up off the floor onto the computer chair. Hello Facebook.

1:53. Uggggggggggghhhhh. I gotta find shoes, eat something, take out the dog, pull out the recycling, and wait for Jayden.

2:03 Bus comes. "How was school, Buddy?" "Ok." "What did you do today?" "Nothin'."

2:04 "Don't take off your shoes, we have ABA-" "NOOOOOOOO!" "Yes. You may go on the computer for 15 minutes, AFTER you put away your back pack and lunch bag, and then we are leaving. We are going to be on time today."

2:05 Jacinda is screaming, and dragging her plastic tea cup along the sides of the play yard like a prisoner. "You know what? You are going in your high chair for a snack."

2:06 Ollie is pacing by the door. "Yes I see you. Hold on. ... Jayden, can you please give Jacinda a snack please? I'm taking Ollie out and wrangling in your other sister.

2:08 "Good boy! Ok, inside... Laney? (pause) Laney? LANEY???" I walk around the other side of the house. She is playing in the driveway with sidewalk chalk, and is a hot mess. "LANEY!!!"

2:15 Back in the house with Laney under my arm. Upstairs to change. Again. And now I have chalk all over me. I just beat the chalk off of my clothes. But now Laney's shoes don't match. "Ok, where are your pink sneakers?" "I don't know." "Look in your shoe bin." "They're not there." *sigh*

2:20 I've ripped Delaney's closet apart. But I have the shoes. Lets see what my hair is doing.

2:27 "Ok, let's go everyone!"

2:28 "Guys?" I run down the stairs and I trip over the backpack and shoes Jayden has left on the stairs. I fall directly on my ass. It's ok, my ass is really big.

2:29 "Why?! What?! How are your shoes off right now!???" "I took them off. I forgot. I'm sorry." Jayden slinks away with the backpack. "Get those shoes back on as fast as possible, we're leaving now." It is NEVER quick or easy for Jayden to get his shoes on.

2:30 I walk into the kitchen. Jacinda is in her high chair, covered in chocolate. "holy shhhhhhhhhhhhhhnitzzle!!! What's that!? Jayden what did you give her!?" "Chocolate coins." I take a breath. I sit down next to him and help him with his shoes. "Are chocolate coins a snack or a treat?" "A snack." "Try again." "A treat?" "A treat, yes. I was hoping that you would have given her some pretzels, or Cheerios, but this one's on me. I should have been specific. Grab your homework to bring with you. Let's go we are leaving."

2:32 I'm taking Jacinda out of her high chair when the bell rings, then rings again multiple times. Ollie goes batshit, pulls his muscle again.

2:33 "Hold on! Ollie, look, good, schrt! Shush! STOP!!!" I put Jacinda down, I bend down, ease Ollie's leg back down. "In your house! House! Good, yes." It's the kids. "Can Laney come back out?" "Oh, I'm sorry, guys, we're leaving, maybe we'll see you when we get back." Front door locked. I unlock the door, open it, reach into the mailbox, come back in, and shut the door.

2:34 Jacinda has gotten her chocolate fingers all over the banister. "Ahhhg! Ffffffickle my assssssphault. Laney, please shut Ollie's door." "Why?" "Because I said so." I start walking up the stairs, I groan I walk back down the stairs. "Laney, you're right to ask. It's good to know things, never stop asking questions. I need you to shut the door so that Ollie doesn't try licking this chocolate right here. Thank you." Back up the stairs.

2:43 20 wipes and 1 new outfit later, we are leaving. I let Ollie out of his house, Jacinda is under my arm. My stomach rumbles. I grab an apple, I dip a folded piece of bread into the jar of peanut butter, and I take Jayden's half full aluminum water bottle. I have Jacinda by the hand, my keys are on my pinkie, the older two are waiting at the car.

2:44 "I forgot my homework folder." "Quick, go get it." I strap the girls into their seats. Jayden is back with his folder. "Aw! I forgot my Velociraptor, I was gonna have him for the ride." "You can play with him when we get back. We're leaving."

2:45 Jacinda slowly turns her head toward me and grunts. "Nonononononono! No!!! Ohhhhh!!!! Cinda!!!!" Jayden is pulling up his shirt over his nose. "I think Jacinda pooped." "Yep." I turn on the car and roll down the windows. "You guys sit here. Don't. Move."

2:52 Up the side stairs, up the house stairs, I'm a fast changer, back down the stairs, double check the front door, good thing I did, I pass the Velociraptor on table.

2:53 I open up the car door. "Catch" I toss Jayden his dinosaur. I strap Cinda in. I get in myself. Laney requests some Ke$ha.

2:54 I'm waiting and waiting to pull onto 1A. "Come. On. Unbelievable."

2:56 I'm flying over the potholes on Canal St.

2:57 I'm crossing onto Washington St, there is a couple of ladies jay walking with a baby carriage. I slam on my brakes, I roll down the window, "THAT IS DANGEROUS, DON'T BE DUMB WITH YOUR BABY, WALK DOWN TO THE CROSSWALK!!!" The kids are horrified. Laney says, "Mama, you louded at them." "Yes I did." Jayden says, "Did you almost hit them?" "No. I saw them in time, but someone else might not have. You must always walk in a...." Both: "Crosswalk!" "Yes. Always."

2:59 I finally pass through the punishment light at Washington and Derby. This is where the large volume of traffic needs to merge. This is where elitest Northshore businessmen and soccer moms won't let you merge. Windows down. "LET ME MERGE MOTHER FFFFFFFFFFFFFPHEASANT PLUCKER!!!"

3:07 I'm passing the bridge, passing Beverly Town Hall, I even painlessly take a left then come to a dead stop at the tracks. Sarcastically, "Oh. A train." The kids, "Oh a train!!!"

3:10 I'm pulling into the ginormus industrial park, I'm playing chicken with the 12 cars I encounter before I get into my spot,

3:16 I've got all three kids out of the car, We have to go back for the homework folder and I take the dinosaur and throw him back into the car. I head inside, sweating, my eye twitching, dangling Jacinda under my arm, and pulling Laney by her shirt collar, and I see Jayden's therapist. "I'm sorry I'm late." "No, worries." "No. I REALLY tried to get here on time." "Next week." "Yeah. Next week."


You like those shenanigans? You'll love this too: http://tallglassofsass.hubpages.com/hub/Surprise-Im-Not-a-Perfect-Mom


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