Just Average- from a series of monologues about Addiction

 

Don’t really know exactly how it started. I think I was just- and don’t judge me on this- but bored. Maybe a little curious. Tried pot first. And like all my teachers taught me “It’s a gateway drug blah blah” but they were right I guess. Because I wanted more. (He looks down). I wanted that feeling but stronger and I knew it was out there. (He looks up again. He lists these off in a monotone, boring, repetitive way.) I’m an average kid. Got average grades, average friends, average family. Average sucks. Average is anxiety, you know you’re not higher up or even below and you can’t figure out how to move out of average- it’s like quick sand, if you struggle to renew your life you sink a little deeper.

 Oh yeah my names Alex by the way. My last girlfriend said that Alex was such a common name that she had to break up with me. Yeah, she was a real keeper. Bitch. But that’s the weird thing…I didn’t do drugs because I was depressed or lonely or angry. I was just bored. Should I be ashamed of that? Is that not a good enough reason? The other day when I was hanging out with some guys from school, I tried to bring it up…I was like, do you guys think you’re gonna be smoking pot when your 40? I guess to them it came across as a joke, because they were like “yeah man, for sure!” They’re not even my friends, I just smoke with them. When they’re high they might say something about a girl they really want to get with…and I guess to them, that’s really deep, but to me it’s just like I don’t really give a shit, I’m just here for the weed.

The only thing out of the ordinary I guess I would say is that I had a twin brother but he died while we were still in the womb. My mom told me once that it was “meant to be”. “Makes the finger motions with hands.” And that’s all that was ever said about that. Used to pretend that he was actually born, and we were the coolest twins in school, that everyone was jealous because we were the only ones who could trick everyone and switch places. Now I see that was just dumb. Pause.

 But last night…that’s where my life was turned around. I was somehow convinced by my sort of friend, Samantha, to go to a fashion show. (He shakes his head). I don’t know why I went. Guess it was because I had nothing else to do. So I went. And it was as stupid as I thought it would be, just a bunch of stick thin girls walking with really ugly clothes on. Probably all anorexic or some shit because all that matters to them is how they look. Samantha looked up at them with admiration. “Oh! Look at that one, she’s so pretty, I bet she’s smart too.” She’s weird. But afterwards, when we were trying to hail a cab to get back home, I saw her. She was in the fashion show, I remember thinking she was a little better looking than the rest. But seeing her there, on the street, she looked even better. Her legs were just so…long, and she had blonde, straight hair that went down her back and touched her skin that was showing from her backless dress. (He grins.) She was talking to a shady looking guy and I saw him hand her something.

She must have seen me looking at her because her eyes then turned their attention straight at me. Quickly looked away. But then I heard clicking of heels coming towards me. When I looked up she was two inches from my face, staring me dead in the eyes. Don’t think I was breathing. The first thing I thought to do was say sorry for staring at her. Her eyes had kind of a glassy, faraway look like she wasn’t all there. But what came out of her mouth next was something I would never have expected, and… I’ll never forget it for the rest of my life. “You wanna come back to my place and spend the night? You look kinda young, but if you got the cash…” She swept her nails across my cheek, and I think I shuddered because they were ice cold. She probably saw my look of surprise and then said, “I’m expensive kid”. Just looked at her dumb founded. Like a fucking idiot. Could have said yes. I had money with me. Could have changed my average life right then and there. Could have switched personalities and been someone cool. Could’ve been my unborn twin brother. But I declined. And she didn’t wait a beat. She just clicked away. Her hips looked so sexy with every step. I stood there for a couple seconds watching her and then just walked back towards Samantha.

I know it’s not the biggest deal in the world. But to me, it’s the most exciting thing that’s ever happened. It makes me think about shit I never thought about. Like what else is out there? Who else is out there, that I just haven’t run into yet? Maybe, “what’s the point?” shouldn’t be my motto anymore because meeting her introduced something new to me. It started a new feeling in me, and that feeling was not horny, oh no, trust me; I have felt that plenty of times.

It was the idea that I’m not the only one who feels like shit sometimes, who’s confused and bored in this world. That there are people out there obviously with bigger problems than mine. I mean who else would offer themselves to a guy like me? (He laughs.) I look at myself and know that being average is something that I can change, that’s easy to change. She saw me standing there, I wasn’t invisible. I didn’t blend in with the street. She, that exquisite, sexy woman laid eyes on me. And that tells me I’m not average to the rest of the world. They don’t know me yet. I am tangible. I am substantial. And I know that I can be more than just average. I don’t need to smoke weed and be just another number in the statistics. I can be someone better than average me, and I will.

 

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