I wish my dad had known about me

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Short bio of my life without dad

I was born on March 31, 1976. My life started out as a lie. My mother had been with my biological father for a short time when I was concieved. For some reason, my mom and her family decided to tell my father that I wasn't his, when he saw me as an infant with my grandmother. He was in the process of moving back to Oregon (this was Wisconsin) where he was from originally. I don't know why my mother lied to him, I can only speculate.

My first couple of years of life were horrible. My step-father beat me as an infant and toddler. He'd spank me at only a few months old, for crying. He threw me across the room for spilling my milk, and beat me from head to toe with a walking cane, when I was two years old, for trying to get my ball from the road. Him and my mother had my little sister when I was three. They finally broke up, and he passed away in a construction accident.

My mother was married once before I was born, then to my sisters father, then 4 more times in my lifetime (so far). The next step-father my sister and I had, beat my mother unconscious in front of me, brought out a rifle, threw my kittens out the back door into the air, and shot them dead. Then he molested my sister and I for several years. After many episodes like this, my mother left him, but gave him visitation of us every other weekend. She didn't know about the molestation yet. Just the beatings and killing animals, etc.

Keep in mind that my mother didn't tell me about my biological father. She told me my entire life that my father was my sisters father (the one who passed from the construction accident). My sister and I questioned it many many times as kids. It was obvious to us, and everyone else that knew us, that one of us had a different father. But mom wouldn't budge. She stuck with that story until I was 23.

Anyway, step-dad 3 was okay. He just didn't work most of the time. He did hit my sister and I a couple of times while drinking, or after drinking. As did our mother.

Step-dad 4 was a real jerk. He talked bad about us all of the time. All they did was drink. Then they'd get in a fight and we'd get kicked out of the house in the middle of the night! that happened several times! Mom was a raging alcoholic while I was growing up if that explains anything. She was a nasty person when drunk too. I hated her at those times.

She's now with step-dad 5 (she was married once before I was born so it's actually her 6th marriage). He's wonderful! When she finally told me about my biological father, her explanation was that she asked all of her other husbands if she should tell me about my dad, but they all said no. The new husband said "of course you should tell her", so she did. She only remembered his name. She wasn't sure how to spell it, and didn't remember anything else about him.

All my life I had craved for a father, a good father. I was very different from my mother and sister (and the rest of mom's family). I don't know how to explain it except that I always called myself the "white sheep". My mom and sister were both bipolar and were a lot alike, so they butt heads constantly! My maternal family is loud and obnoxious and they don't care who's watching. They never went to church, they never taught us anything about real life, etc. So the white sheep means that I KNEW even at a young age that things weren't right. I tested my mom, to see if she'd set boundaries, or show me she cared about my future somehow. But she didn't. At one point I was sixteen and living by myself! She was back with her last husband and my sister was in juvenile detention for a year. So I lived by myself in an apartment that my mother rented, but she stayed with her boyfriend all the time.

I struggled through school and I was a very lost child. I didn't love myself, I didn't know myself. I didn't feel like I fit into any group in school. I hung around drug addicts, and didn't even do drugs!

Anyway, I'm almost 33 years old now. At 23 mom told me about dad, but didn't do much to help find him. She ran into thousands of dollars, twice within 5 or 6 years of telling me, but didn't spend one dime on trying to help me find dad. I struggled with drugs and alcohol through all of these years. When I was 31 I started a job. My very first day a man came into the office and was talking to the other ladies. I overheard him saying that he finds lost people online. I wrote down the information and handed it to him. A complete stranger. All I had for info was my mom's name, his name (not sure of spelling) and where they were the year I was born.

One hour later he called me at work and had found my dad's family! But dad had passed two years prior, at age 52. He had had complications from Hepatitis C that he contracted in Viet Nam. But I also found out that I have 4 siblings!!! My sister growing up is still my sister of course, but we never got along. She's the total opposite of me, doesn't look anything like me, and is a drug addict who gave up her child. I've overlooked these things because she's my sister. But I never had a close sibling bond.

Over the next two years I talked to his wife Ruth, and emailed the oldest sibling, my brother Matthew. Him and I got along so well it's unbelievable! Then finally the only daughter (daddy's little girl) Heather decided to get ahold of me. We've been tight ever since.

I recently flew (for the first time ever on a plane) to Oregon to visit Ruth and the kids for five days and I can't even begin to explain the love I felt there. And they don't even need a paternity test, they know it as well as I do. I'll be posting pictures. You can't mistake us for family, that's a fact!

I already feel like a lighter, freer person. I am more confident. I feel so loved there's nothing like it in the world! When in Oregon I got to go to his house and look through his woodshop at home, and the kids gave me one of his favorite sweatshirts! I'm a sweatshirt girl, so that was so funny:)

I just have to say that if there's any women out there who are pondering on whether to tell their children who their father is or not, TELL THEM! It may not end up like my story, but I promise your children will respect you for it. I only wish I could've had my father growing up. I would've loved myself (because my father was a very loving man), I would've known how to get along in the world, and I certainly would've known men better (as a woman that is priceless)!

Please, if you're in a position where you don't know who the father is, for the sake of your child, figure it out! don't wait to tell them!!

Tell them now!

Jamie

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Comments 17 comments

MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 3 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Vimbainashe-Yes, it's a very difficult situation to go through especially as a child. That's right you have to let God lead your every decision. Thanks for reading and commenting!! I wish you the best.


vimbainashe chirimuhanzu 3 years ago

what a story that i think would help other people who are going tough time right now and i am going it right now but then it okay to tell the kids about their father and they find him and just be strong and let GOD deal with first and see who will come out and tell the story so take it easy to those have no father just be strong and you get thourgh it trust me.


jacq 5 years ago

hi! i'm in the same boat.in fact i don't have any info at all.the only thing i know is it's my foster dad who brought me home when i was newborn.and now he's dead.he loves me so much but my foster mom hates me. I wanna know if it's possible to use my foster dad siblings DNA instead to check whether we really are related to each other?God i'm dying to know.


angel 6 years ago

feel that you have the same experience as me but I have no one to tell me the truth about my father how do I find people that knew him or any record of him he died years after a serious car accident and I am still searching archives for at least the accident report which I have not found I need at least direction because I have none.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

PB--Thanks so much for sharing yours and your wifes story with me. It's always heartbreaking to hear these things. And Mormon is especially difficult to deal with in my opinion. You're a great person for supporting her:) I wish you and your wife all the best and hope she can get past some of her issues. It's tough for me but I'm doing it:) Hugs

Heather--I am always sorry to hear that anyone has to deal with these things in life. I know I've suffered deeply not having my father and my siblings in my life, but luckily for you and I both, we have something. We have those beautiful siblings...and everything happens for a reason. Good luck to you and your family. That is a beautiful story! Please, come back and share with me and at the very least, write a hub for us to share...join HubPages if you haven't already:) Hugs to you sweetie and good luck!


heather 7 years ago

I'm completely speechless. Your story is almost the exact same as mine...except I am traveling to London in December to meet them for the first time. I missed my father by 6 months. He died in Jan-I found out in July. I was raised an only child, so having 5 brothers and sisters is so overwhelming!

My question to you is- How is your relationship with your mother? Mine is in the tank. So many lies, denial, selfishness...it is so hard to even look at her for what she has done to me by lying. Just curious to hear about your relationship with your mom. I cannot believe there are so many people out there that don't even know the fundamentals of who or where we came from. How dare these women to cause this kind of pain onto their child. ya- I'm still angry! :)


PB_Smith profile image

PB_Smith 7 years ago from Southern California

Wow, tough times as a kid. Glad your healing.

My wife's father left her and her two brothers when she was young. Then a few years later due to health issues her mother had my wife and the younger brother go live with their paternal Uncle. Her father also lived in the same town and had remarried and had three kids. My wife knew who her father was but had to call him Uncle. If she ever questioned it or tried to tell anyone she was severely punished. Good Mormons got to keep up the facade of moral behavior ya know. It tore my wife up to see her dad with his new family and she was barely even allowed to talk to him, not that he had any interest in her or her brothers.

A few years ago her mother passed away and requested to be laid to rest with her boys who had both been killed by drunk drivers a couple of years apart. When we went back, Wyoming, for the funeral these morons were still upset and worried that my wife would make a scene and upset the applecart. She also has a nephew that they have told the same crap to and her mother never got to see her grandson because my wife's brother was killed before he was born.

Luckily like you her half sister didn't go along with the bullshit and her and my wife became great friends, sisters actually. Looking at them I don't see how they could ever say those girls didn't have the same father, they certainly look like sisters!

You are not alone is the point of my long comment.

Much love and luck to you.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Trish--you gave me goosebumps:) Thank you so much for your support, you've been a great new friend!

I sure hope that nobody ever has to deal with a situation like this one, but I know it happens every day. It's a sad but true fact of life. I certainly hope I can help someone have a better life by telling my story. Of course that wasn't my goal when writing it, but I love people and I believe that most of them deserve a chance, and the truth.

I love the Locator. I cry every time I see it:) Thanks again so much for your kind words and advice. You're a peach. Hugs


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 7 years ago

Jamie,

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes.  That you have turned into this wonderful woman with a heart of gold is beyond comprehension.  You are a testament to the saying, God only gives you what you can handle.  That he chose to make your life so difficult for so many years noone will know.  I often wonder how it is some people live charmed lives, yet so many others struggle every single day of their lives.

In any case, I am thrilled that you have found your siblings, and got to know a bit about your dad.  I'm sure he's been watching you ever since you were born, how else could you have turned into the wonderful person you are?  :)

Thanks so much for sharing, I'm sure you've touched many people and have given them the push they need to find a loved one.

PS:  You may have seen it, there's a show on tv called The Locater, who does exactly that, locates lost family members or lost friends.  It's a heartwarming story most of the time, and I often cry every time I watch it.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Melissa--I myself tried everything I could do find my father online and in any phone books, etc. But nothing worked. I got lucky and overheard a man talking in the office where I worked at the time, telling another employee a couple of different instances where he found people's family members for them. They were such touching stories, so I wrote down my mothers name, my fathers name (how I knew it to be spelled), and the year I was born.

Anyway, he had used a software program on his computer that could actually listen to a name and would give every spelling for that name that it could come up with. I have no idea what program it was, I wish I did, but I researched it a little bit and here's a couple things I found: http://tolv.aastra.com/library/brochures_datasheet...

http://search.nation.com/nation_trivia/ws/results/...

I hope something you find here can help you. I've been where you are. I wish you the best of luck and please, email me anytime or come back here and let me know how things are going. I'd love to hear the good news:)

Thank you:)

Jamie


Melissa Mayle 7 years ago

What was the information you used to find your fathers family? I'm in the same situation,I know my fathers name,but my mom doesn't know how to spell it. I do know that I have another brother and I'd like to meet him.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

London--yes, I still have some anger about not meeting my father, but obviously God wanted it this way for one reason or another. If he wouldn't have had four children and been such an awesome father, I would certainly have other feelings about the situation right now.

I thank God every day, for my new sister and brothers. They just may be my Saving Grace:) Thanks for reading!


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

I'm so sorry you didn't get to meet your father, but it's great you have met up with your siblings!


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Neil--thanks for the hug:) It's much needed:)


Neil Sperling profile image

Neil Sperling 7 years ago from Port Dover Ontario Canada

A Big Hug to you - thanks for sharing!


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

My new family is amazing! They have literally changed my life and I thank God as much as I remember. HE knows I'm a little slow sometimes...lol.

Thanks for all of your nice comments. Sweet people like you, help people like me get through the day as a novice writer:) Hugs


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 7 years ago from California Gold Country

The story of your childhood is very heart wrenching. Too bad you never got to meet your real father. His family is very special in their willingness to reach out to you. The hope they have offered is very precious.

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