Nobody Cares About Your Horrible Kids
Just a Child
Sorry, We Just Don't Care
Don't get me wrong, I actually like kids; in fact, I love them. There's nothing more enjoyable than seeing the pure joy and innocence of a young child, and knowing that they haven't been corrupted by the world and, in particular, we emotionally crippled adults.
The thing is, I just don't want to see about or hear about your children all of the time. This may be a newsflash to some of you folks, but there have been billions of children born throughout human history. There are hundreds of millions that are born on a daily basis. Hell, just look out on the street. You'll probably see a few of them there. And if not, have a knock on your neighbor's door. There's a good chance that a child will answer it, or tell their parent that someone is knocking.
This may be hard to understand, but your children are boring to hear about. And not just boring, they're likely annoying.
Would You Please Just Stop?
Stop Sending Me Photos of Your Crummy Children
I don't want to see any more photos of your kids. I really don't. Most of us don't.
It's bad enough that you're throwing photos of your kids onto Facebook and Twitter every 11 seconds. It's even worse that you're emailing and texting me photos of them, as if I care what they're doing, that you're proud of them, how they're dressed, or what they did for homework. And please, don't just text me a photo of them without saying anything. At least give me something to respond to.
I don't know your kids, I've ever had interactions with your little snot-noses, I have no love for them, and I've no relation to them in any way, shape, or form. Randomly texting me a photo of your child is not a starting point for a conversation, nor is it a centerpiece for one. Maybe if I were their father or uncle it would be, but I'm not. So stop! I don't feel pride for them.
I'd rather see photos of your animals. Honestly, if you have video of a barking pug, or a photo of your dog staring proudly at nothing, that would be a lot more interesting than seeing your child waiting to get on a school bus.
Your Children Are...Spoiled and Annoying
Here's the thing, I know that you know that your children are some of the most annoying creatures in the world. How can I tell?
Well, aside from the fact that you can go grocery shopping with the bags under your eyes, you have a look of desperation on your face as if you're about to go for root canals on all 32 of your teeth. Your children are driving you insane--so guess what? They're going to drive everyone else out of their minds too. The difference is that we don't love them, they are not ours.
Oh, tee hee hee, yes, isn't it so cute how little Johnny just barfed up half a pound of cheese doodles, kicked another kid in his shin, then ran bellowing up the hill with drool dangling from his maniacal little face.
It's also adorable how little Janet screeched orders at her withering, unprepared, ghoulish parents until she got her way; instead of the parent maybe--oh, I don't know--putting little Janet on a time out until she stopped throwing a temper tantrum.
Why in the billions of processes made by your great ape brain would you ever feel that others want to be around kids that behave this way? It's not a privilege and it's not cute; it's simply annoying.
Oh, You Live For Your Kids? Don't Care.
I always hear parents utter some idiotic variation of the above subtitle as if it's the most profound thing anyone has ever said, or as if they're the first one to have ever said it or felt that way. You'd die for your children, and protect them at all costs? Congratu-damn-lations, you're just swell.
Newsflash, we're a social species and are very protective of our own ilk. As a matter of fact, many of us are protective of people we don't even know. I'd die for a kid that's not even mine, so don't go around spewing this prattle as if it's the most significant thing anyone has ever said. You see it throughout the animal kingdom. I'm not impressed.
Try getting close to a mama bear's cubs; now that is a protective parent. They put us wee humans to shame with their protective instinct. You so much as wander near one of her cubs, and you'll become strewn body parts within a matter of minutes.
And another thing in regards to "living for your children." I hope you don't actually tell them that. It's quite a burden for a young child to bear. They might feel responsible for your stupid adult happiness.
9 Year Old Discusses The Meaning of Life and The Universe
Let me Finish On a Positive Note
Like I said at the beginning, I actually love children. Many of them are amazing.
One of these amazing children is in the video to the right. They sometimes say the most profound things, and it almost brings a tear to your eye. For me, it's because I know this brilliant little kid is in such a harsh world and that he'll have to deal with it in many ways as he grows up. I can only hope that his brilliant little mind will be cultivated and nurtured properly.
This piece was mostly satire. If you took offense to it, label me a scoundrel and cry me a river in the comments section. I'll drink glassfuls of your tears if you want me to. I still don't want to see photos of or hear about your kids.