Not My Will

My life


Children of Alcoholics

This is the most vulnerable hub I have posted yet. I have sought to open my heart and let you peek in to witness some of the most excruciatingly painful times of my life.

Were they wasted years? No, absolutely not! Get ready for some trauma and tears and a testimony of a God who hears.

Many of us have grown up in less than perfect circumstances right? We have all been influenced and shaped by the people who surrounded us during our formative years. I was raised in an alcoholic home where no mention of God existed except as a swear word.

As I have grown and sought to understand my world and the way people tick; I have learned that children of alcoholics have control issues. We seek to control because our home lives were so chaotic. The child of the alcoholic seeks to bring order and stability (control) to their own lives. I am no exception.

Home Sweet Home?

When I was about 10 years old, my Dad was in a horrific accident and was paralyzed from the waist down. I am still amazed that I did not shed a tear when it happened. I remember feeling guilty and thinking.. "what is wrong with me, this is my father?" Instead I had a sense of relief thinking 'now I'll never have to worry about my Dad hurting my mom again .'

There are many stories I could tell you about the raging and screaming arguments I was subject to. Stories about me, as a child, pulling my mom out of a room, bloody and broken as my Dad screamed ... 'get her out of here before I kill her' with emotions so raw and suffocating I can still feel it today.

After one such incident I pulled my Mom into my bedroom and then we crawled out my bedroom window as I led her Grandpa's house just around the block. I can still see her small frame stumbling down the road next to me .. Her eyes were swollen and black, blood covered her delicate face where tears washed grooves in the blood as they coursed down her cheeks. Her vulnerability and defeated visage shook me to the core. I felt like I was seeing something meant to be private ... something I was never meant to witness - like pulling back a curtain and wishing you never saw what lay behind it. It was a glimpse into my Mother's private Hell and it hurt me so deeply to see it. In fact my eyes fill with tears as I write these words. I tried to protect her from my Dad ... but I was only 10 years old. Something was very wrong with that picture and I knew it as a child. I always wondered why someone didn't step in to rescue me.

As a teenager bedtime, for me, was not an opportunity to wind down and drift off to sleep. No, for me bedtime was waiting for the drama to stop and then listening carefully for silence. Next, came the series of little trips sneaking out to the living room to check on my Dad. You see my father would go to sleep each night in a drunken stupor. I was always afraid that he would burn the house down by dropping a cigarette on the floor as he dozed off. Many nights I would find a cigarette still burning on the carpet beside him. I have no clue how the rest of my family; mom, sister and brother could drift off to sleep. After my Dad was in a deep sleep I would take his wheelchair to him and lift his heavy frame into it. Next I wheeled him into his room and help him to get into bed. Only then could I sleep.

Protected and Accepted
Protected and Accepted

Protected and Accepted

All during my growing up years, my life and future seemed hopeless to me. In fact I dreaded the thought of growing up myself. I did not want to grow up and live the life my parents lived.

When I was fourteen years old it occurred to me that if there really was a God, there must be a way I could 'know' Him. After-all, I reasoned, if He was the creator He wouldn't just create me and then drop me off on this earth-place to fend for myself now would He? The next thing I remember is laying prostrate on the floor begging God (if He were real, if He could hear me) to reveal Himself to me. God answered that prayer within a year.

One day, upon visiting my best friend Debbie, her Dad told me he had something very important to tell me. He was so kind and as I looked into his eyes, set in crinkled frames, I was deeply moved by an ocean of love radiating from within. He opened up the Bible explaining that the book he had in his hand held the very word's of God to His creation.

As Mr. Haworth explained that God had used holy men of old to write His message to mankind, he said that the message in this book was relevant to me and that it was alive; unlike any other writing. Through the holy book he showed me that there was a God in Heaven who loved me. I learned that God had created mankind sinless but Adam and Eve (the first man and woman God created) turned from God and chose to indulge in sin.

As I listened to the Word of God, I heard verses that explained that God is so Holy that He cannot accept sin (any action, thought or word that is NOT holy) into His Heaven. My heart skipped a beat as I thought, WHAT .. why tell me this?

As Dad Haworth continued, I was elated to learn that it was NOT the end of the story. In John chapter 3, verse 16 he read how God so loved the world (me) that He gave His one and only Son (who was totally sinless) to stand in my place and pay the price for His creation's (my) sin - that price was death.

As it says in Romans chapter 3 verse 23 "The penalty for sin is death BUT the gift of God is Eternal Life through Jesus Christ our Lord." I had a strong knowing that these words had power and that God was speaking to me through them. After hearing about the price Jesus paid and how He willingly went to the Cross, laid down His own life so that I could live (eternally) I eagerly bowed my head and asked for the forgiveness for my sins and thanked Him for dying for me. I accepted God's gift of salvation through Christ.

After that prayer my whole world changed. In an instant I knew, deep inside, that I was a new creation. Perhaps you've heard the term 'Born Again.' Though I had been born into this world in the natural sense, God said, by accepting His gift of Jesus' substitutionary death,(Jesus in my Place) I was now Born again into His family.

It is hard to put into words the security and peace I experienced. Knowing that God had a plan for my life filled me with hope and gave me a purpose for living. For the FIRST time in my life I felt loved, protected and accepted. I knew that I wasn’t alone anymore but that I had a friend that sticks closer than a brother. In the Book of Hebrews, chapter 13, verse 5 God says, "I will NEVER leave you or forsake you."

God Spoke to Me

Over the next couple years, I grew to love God with all of my heart. I wanted to please Him and to do His will - it was the greatest desire of my heart.

One day as I was sitting in church, next to my highschool sweetheart, I began to meditate on God's love. As I looked up at the old rugged cross, in the front of the sanctuary, a still small voice spoke to me ... I heard these words:"If any man would come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me." God was speaking His word to my heart. I silently spoke back to Him, 'Oh my Father I love you so much and I want to follow you but I am so ignorant and I have so much to learn.' Once again ... the still small voice of the Holy Spirit spoke .. 'I want you to go to Cornerstone College .. get prepared to follow me." I must admit, my first inclination was to bury it, deny it and pretend it never happened. You see my high school boyfriend and I planned to marry right after we graduated.

God spoke to me to get my attention. He had other plans for my life. The first thing I did after Church was over .. and in order to avoid the inclination to stuff it, was to tell my dear friend and mentor what God had spoken to my heart. She, surprisingly answered, 'Oh Mekenzie, I am so happy for you ... I have been praying God would lead you to a Christian College'... WHAT! ... she had never told me. The next step was to tell my Pastor who said .. you guessed it ... 'Mekenzie, I am delighted ... I have been praying that God would direct you to a Christian College.' That sealed it ... God had answered their prayers and I wasn't about to mess with God's plan for me.

Oh ... and my boyfriend... let's just say he was NOT happy.

An Education, a Husband and a Ministry

Little did I know that at Cornerstone College I would not only get a great education along with in-depth studies in God's word, but I would also meet a wonderfully strong man - specially chosen by God for me. This kind and humble man became my husband three years later.

After college God called Gary and I into Youth Ministries. Those were wonderful years as we met and ministered to many teenagers. To this day I love teenagers! Our house was the hang out for teens. We had to protect one day a week, designated as 'Our Family Time' or they would have lived with us ... LOL. We were so honored to answer questions, teach the Bible, love on all of them and win their trust. They were very special teens. We were a very happy little family. Gary and I had big dreams and were filled with hope and excitement about the life that lay before us.

As we grew as a family, I tried to read everything I could get my hand on about parenting.  I worked hard to create a safe place.  I believed that if I did everything right and controlled the circumstances around me, my family would be protected from harm and that our home would always be filled with happiness and joy. This unrealistic, idealistic belief almost ruined me.

My Dreams Crumbled

Yes, I believed that if I provided a safe place in my heart and my home, it would protect my children. You see, one of the greatest desires and goals of my heart was to be a really good mom. I honestly thought that my love would provide shelter from pain and the effects of a degenerate world. William Ross Wallace proclaimed, 'the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.' As parents we have the best opportunity to build security, values, stability and more into our child's lives, don't we?

My belief system was shaken to the core. My world came crumbling down around me when my oldest child entered into full blown rebellion at the tender age of 13. I was floored, confused and absolutely devastated. I could not process the concept of having a problem like this with one of my children. I raised my children in a safe home where they could be free to express themselves. I was there to fill their love cups and to kiss away their tears and fears. I connected with each of them and developed a deep bond of trust. Although I am in no way perfect, I know my children felt safe with me and in my love ... how could this happen?

I Can Fix This

 In my disparity I pooled together all of my resources and tried to control the situation, thinking, "I can fix this!" I was intelligent, resourceful, had many connections and I thought I had a bit of my own wisdom to draw upon. But NOTHING helped - absolutely NOTHING! My son just kept spiraling out of control. He was recklessly speeding down, down a slippery slope where danger and destruction lurked. I feared for his life, I grieved and cried every single day. My heart was broken and the pain was unbearable but I kept moving forward doing everything in my power to fix him.

I Came to the End of Myself

It took many years before I finally collapsed and cried out to God ... "Help me - please reach and rescue my son, my only son, the son that I love more than life itself. I have no other place to turn. I can't do it anymore."

Do you remember what God told Job after his time of testing was over? He said "I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten." I could tell you many stories about the years the locusts took from me ... about the raw gut-wrenching fear that gripped my heart every waking hour and through many sleepless nights, but for now I'll just skip over the traumatic details and get to the good part. :0)

After years of depending upon my own resources, oh I should tell you that I did consult God here and there and He would always bring relief to my broken heart ..but I had not been able to turn my son over once and for all .... there came a day when I finally came to the end of myself ... That day is the day that God stepped in. When I gave up trying to control and fix my son ... God took me ... one finger at a time and released my white knuckled grip on his life. It was definitely a 'God thing' because I could not do it but God, in His mercy did it for me. As God hel ped me release my son to His care and as I took my hands off - I saw miracles begin to take place in his life. It was an amazing thing to witness God's pursuit of my son. He brought believers out of the woodwork to reach out to him. At McDonalds, at his workplace, on the streets .. God sent faithful servants to let him know He was there and that He was seeking to bring him back. I have told my son, never in my life have I witnessed anyone so pursued by God as he has been pursued.

I love YOU God ... thank you for never giving up on my beloved son.

Recently I said to a friend of ours, "It seems God keeps bringing me back to the place where I can't control situations." Brian kindly asked, "Mekenzie, what do you think that means?" HELLO ... with that simple question the realization dawned. I haven't totally learned to trust and release yet .. how dull can a girl be? As Jesus said to Father God, "Not my will, but yours be done," so I strive to yield to His will and when I do that I find myself in a place of Peace.

I read a prayer in a book called Stepping out of Denial into God's Grace by John Baker and have customized it a bit to pray over myself daily:

God Works as I Release Control

Dear God, I have tried to do it all by myself, in my own power, and I have failed. Today, I want to turn my life over to You. I want you to be my Lord. I ask that you help me start to think less about me and my will. I want to daily turn my will over to You, to daily seek your direction and wisdom for my life. Please continue to help me overcome my hurts and control issues that I might be healthy and whole and pleasing in your sight.

Peace Joy Purpose

With a heart filled with incredible joy, I am happy to tell you that my son loves God with a Passion! He has a very tender heart of compassion for people in pain ... God doesn't waste a heartache - He will use it and bring beauty out of the Ashes of our lives. Though he is not perfect, Daniel is wise beyond his years. I see God's hand at work in his life and I stand in Awe.

As I surrendered my will and inclinations to control, God's power was released into my life. The process of learning to trust God completely continues to be a journey away from self-will and moving toward His will. It is there I find peace and joy and purpose

As I conclude this Hub I'd like to share a profound quote. For those who have faced dark caverns and injustice beyond description, may I encourage you by sharing that your heartaches and wounds will never be wasted if you are willing to seek God and allow Him to touch you, teach you, grow you and use your life to reach out to others.

Profound Quote: FIND YOUR MESS AND YOU'LL FIND YOUR MINISTRY ... Life Skills International

Psalm 46:1 ” God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble “

Because He Lives I Can Face Tomorrow

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Comments 55 comments

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 4 years ago from Michigan Author

k2jade31, thank you for your tender comment. God has used it all dear one .. the good the bad and the ugly to draw me close to Him and to reach out to those who have had similar pain.

Appreciate the time you took to encourage.

God Bless you!


k2jade31 profile image

k2jade31 4 years ago from Idaho

This Hub is beautifully sad, yet hopeful and inspiring. It brought tears to my eyes, well written!

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 4 years ago from Michigan Author

Kristeen, thank you for your encouraging words. God did penetrate my heart with His wondrous love .. Only HE could convince an unloved child that she is precious in HIS sight.

Since the time I received Christ as my Savior I have felt completed and loved. I have also been surrounded by love from many people. I have never doubted my husbands love for me .. he loves me unconditionally and fully! How cool is that? I have more kindred spirit friend's than one girl deserves .. How amazing is that? I have a family who loves me well .. How sweet is that? I am blessed indeed .. all because He first loved me.

I think God will continually be teaching us to let go and let God. Our flesh pulls us to do it ourselves .. But the Spirit urges us to stand back and watch God at work.

I'm so happy to meet you Kristeen and I will look forward to reading more of your hubs.

Have a Blessed Day,


Kristeen profile image

Kristeen 4 years ago from Michigan

Mekenzie, I was led to this hub because of a comment you made on one of my own hubs. As I looked at your profile, I don't know why I picked this one to read, but I am so thankful that I did. I'm sure it was God's leading. I am so thankful that you found the Lord. Maybe I should rephrase that; I am so thankful that God led you to Himself where you were able to find the peace and love you had been lacking as a child. I can see that though you were never the receiver of love during your childhood, you were still able to give love in helping your father who had been the source of much of your pain.

I was born into a Christian family. My siblings and I had our share of heartache growing up, but we always knew we were loved, both by our parents, and especially by God.

I am still learning to "let go and let God". I am just now learning that prayer truly does get answered and it does make a difference. Oh, I have always known and always prayed, but I haven't always been spiritually "tuned in" to Him and therefore I think I have missed out on experiencing His presence in my life.

Stay blessed and I plan to stop by and read more of your writings. Kristeen

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Sweet Sista Skye, Yes God Rocks and I stand on the Rock - never heard that but I LOVE it! Thank you dear friend for your encouragement and kind heart. How thankful I am that our paths have crossed as God has used you to touch many lives. Find our Mess and we find our Ministry eh? I've not written much lately, caring for Gary's 98 year old mom in our home - talk about God at Work in Mysterious Ways .. wish we could sit over a cup of coffee so I could share the strange and faithful workings of our God. I love ya Sky - Keep on writing and give your precious grandbaby a HUG from me.



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skye2day 5 years ago from Rocky Mountains

sista I saw this on my facebook. I rarely make it over there. I am so grateful I was led to read this beautiful heart wrenching bitter sweet courageous journey. You done good sista at transparency. God Bless You. This is a beautiful testimony of GODS love for all of His creation. Oh Thank God. I know about your situation My parents both alcoholic. They passed at a young age because of the demon alcohol. God Bless you girl for sharing this story. I think everyone should read it. There are so many touching, healing words that can touch each soul. The Spirit moves in you precious one.

I am so happy for you, yours and your son. Glory to God.

God can turn all things for the good for those that love him. I believe he honors a mothers prayer. In HIS perfect timing. It is painful to watch our children but you did it. You had enough. Control is allot of work!!God rocks and you stand on the Rock. He overcame for us. Praise God my sista. I love you. In Christ. Hugs Galore mekensie.

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

So nice to have you stop by another of my hubs jacobkuttyta.

May God bless you.

jacobkuttyta profile image

jacobkuttyta 6 years ago from Delhi, India

Very touching.... and useful.


Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Cindy, I know the pain you speak of .. it's more than a mother's heart can hold. It is no coincidence that you found this hub. God wants you to see that He will bring you through this and that He loves your son even more than you can imagine. As you pray and release him to God's care ... He will pursue him. I am praying for your boy right now, knowing that the Father in Heaven is at work even as I write. The "hands off" message is definitely God's way of saying .. release him to me and just watch what I will do. Feel free to write me if I can encourage you! God Bless YOU too! :0)


Cindy 6 years ago

Hi, I am in pain regarding my son and I know I need to accept things the way they are now or I will drive myself crazy. But God had given me the words "hands off" about a week ago. I keep thinking anxiously, but God keeps confirming the words "hands off".

Your testimony gave me great encouragement and I know God is no respector of persons. What he will do for one, he will do for another. Please pray that I will have peace and take my hands off and let God fix it.

God Bless you

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

pmc, so we are both survivors of a hellish environment? As I am getting to know you .. I can see that we are both MORE than survivors we are thrivers in Jesus! :0) Thanks for your insight .. You are quite the strong woman!



pmccray profile image

pmccray 6 years ago from Utah

Mekenzie: I felt your pain, been there done that. But as Christians when remembering the past, The Lord does not place more on you than you can bare. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It is so scary and hard being raised in a turbulent angry household.

I understand so well the unsafe feeling of being in bed and not being able to sleep because of the hellish ruckus in other parts of the home. Or worse you become the object of your parents anger.

Thank you God that we and others survived without too much emotional baggage.

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

I know that the sins of the parents are MOST OFTEN passed down to the 3rd and 4th generation. How grateful I am that God showed me a different life so that I could in turn teach my children the ways of God. It would be my greatest joy to raise up a Godly Generation in the years to come. Thanks for your kind comments MFB .. HUGS!


MFB III profile image

MFB III 6 years ago from United States

I am so glad you found a path away from such sorrow, a path that only led you upward, so many children end up with the sins of the father visited upon them. You ended what could have been a legacy of grief, and you will have stars in your crown when you reach heavens shore. peace to you and yours forevermore~~~MFB III

Becca 6 years ago

I know! I'm completely overwhelmed by His love!

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Wow .. this is a God moment .. I'm trying to let it set in my soul .. Becca, God SO loves you. Look at the length He is going to .. just to let you know how MUCH!


Becca 6 years ago


You aren't going to believe this but out of all the songs you could have chosen to use in your post today, "Because He Lives" is the lullaby songthat I would sing to Zachary as a young scared, unsure, single mother. I'd sing it every night as I would put my precious baby boy to sleep. He and I had a rough start and singing that song reminded me that God really did hold our future and had a plan for us.

How wonderful that God is using the same song that meant so much to me during that time to lift me up once again so many years later.

Thank you again for such a relevant post!


Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

frogyfish, thank you for your kind words... You are an encourager aren't you ... Yes you are. Bless you dear one

frogyfish profile image

frogyfish 6 years ago from Central United States of America

Mekenzie, what sorrow you express, what proof you show of the rewards of truly serving God. Your story is surely meant to help someone 'out there'...Thank you for sharing so vividly!

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Dear heart, thank you for your heart warming note. :-) Can we say control freak together now ... lol Friendship is so important .. I am glad God is bringing new friends into your life. It's hard to find a TRUE friend but once you do hang onto her .. her value is beyond great riches. Yes, and His ways are not our ways .. but as we seek His ways He gives us above and beyond what we could ever hope for. Bless You dear heart and thanks for stopping by.

heart4theword profile image

heart4theword 6 years ago from hub

Mekenzie, I too tried to control everything in my life! Then God allowed me to get to a place where, no matter how much I tried to control things, the more out of control things got. I see so much similarities in your writing with things The Lord has taught me.

I have a friend who shared with me that verse about restoration. At the time I couldn't see, that it was actually even possible, to happen to me...yet since then a few years later, things did change. God is continuing to be merciful, to restore new friends similar to friends that had hurt me in the past.

So interesting how His ways are:) So different than my ways. That is what makes things so miraculous! Great Hub, you shared from your heart! "James 5:16"

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

thank you for gracing my page dear lady. God Bless YOU!

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graceth0mas 6 years ago from Philadelphia, PA

Mekenzie, another great hub. Full of emotions! I am so glad that I have came across your page. It was very inspiring. And I definitely agree to most of the things you said. God bless you, dear.

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Micky Dee, I'm so happy you came to visit me.. :) I see you follow some of the same hubbers I read and I think they are terrific. I try to follow the BEST (of course that is from my perspective) Sometimes it's hard to follow those who follow me without doing some extensive reading to see 'who they are.' I am like you and have no wish to participate with rabblerousers. (is that a word???) :) Isn't Mr.50 Caliber Awesome.. yes, I think he is a bit older than you and I and as you say .. much wiser. It is a puzzling world - I agree. There are no cookie cutter answers in most of life situations. It is a delicate balance between doing all that you can do with the brain God gave you and knowing when to release it because God says so... Thankfully in this case - He took it from me and I knew it was Him! He is sooooo patient. Blessings to you dear Micky p.s. thanks for serving our Country - I can't tell how much it means to me to know you gave your life to defend and protect our freedom. we owe so much to you!

Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

Gee Mekenzie. I read and felt a bit of what was going on. I see myself wanting things to change, etc. You can put me down for what 50 Caliber said. I usually call him Mr. 50 Caliber. He's so much older you know. Unfortunately he's so much smarter than I am too. Actually I'm not really sure he's older- his beard's longer though. It's a puzzling world. We want to make a difference. We want to trust in God. We have to brush our own teeth and know what else to do for ourselves and then what to leave to God.I hope I can accept things I can't change more readily. I've got a long road ahead still. I think you're getting a handle on things. We've got to follow our noses or the footprints. Thanks for a great hub. I know I talk a lot without saying anything. I do think you should have just put me down for what Mr. Caliber said. Thank you very much.

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

50 Calibar, such sage words from a really likable guy! I love the prayer you shared - it just hit me as a bullet truth. I agree that the power is in the simplicity of the prayer ... and the key is in the letting go. I wish I weren't soooo like a little dumb ole sheep ... wandering from the simplicity of His truth .. far too often. Thanks for being you - your words have touched me many times throughout the forums and other peoples hubs. Blessings!

50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 6 years ago from Arizona

This is a fine testimony to our hardheaded will, I am guilty of trying to change the direction of many different things. One time a teacher of God whom I hold in high esteem told me a simple prayer "Father God, I pray today that your will be done, nothing more, nothing less. Amen" the simplicity is in the length and words, the actual letting go is not quite so simple. Your hub reminded me of this prayer and I've not prayed it in sometime, it's from getting too comfortable in one spot, I needed this message today, to push me into His Will, not mine. We often try to do the right thing for the right reasons, but we forget to ask God for direction. He has a time and a season for us and all things. If only we were continuously listening and looking with in ourselves and following His call we would be able to have the easy yoke and light load that he promises us, if only we would accept it. Seems to me that it is easier said than done sometimes. Thank you for such a private topic on an open hub. Love and Peace, may you forever find it.

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Ann, thank you for your kind words. God is Awesome! I appreciate your blessings and for stopping by to encourage and uplift. I look forward to knowing you better. :)

Ann Nonymous profile image

Ann Nonymous 6 years ago from Virginia

Beautiful and touching story...and some I can relate to. What an incredible testimony you have here, Mekenzie. It brings back memories but the verses the message, the inspiration your life is reminds me how Awesome God has been and that everything is going to be okay. You are amazing to bear your heart and soul before us and may God bless you for this. May he grant you everlasting peace, joy and love just for staying strong....Thank you seems so insignificant, but it's all I can say. Thank you for allowing me to read this!

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

drpastorcarlotta, thank you for blessing me with your enthusiastic and loving words of encouragement. You are a sweetheart! Hugs to YOU

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drpastorcarlotta 6 years ago from BREAKOUT MINISTRIES, INC. KC

Thank you so much for sharing your testimony!!!! God is pleased!!! I love yor daily prayer!!!!! Your a sweetheart! I love you and God does TOO!!!! Blessings my friend always!!!

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Amber, hadn't thought about how the messages we get from society are connected. The messages do get programmed and it takes work to deprogram wrong thinking. When I catch a negative or useless thought running through my mind - I try to capture it and replace it with a positive one.. usually a Bible verse that contradicts the harmful thought. As I meditate on that verse - my feelings begin to change along with my attitudes and stress level. I appreciate your kind words and for writing them here for me. Blessings

Amber Allen profile image

Amber Allen 6 years ago

Dear Mekenzie

I was deeply moved by your story. You are not alone in your desire for control of your life, it is programmed into all of us, we are told to "get a grip" or "take control of our life" or "to make it happen". Letting go and trusting are difficult skills to learn. Your story is inspirational.


Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

awe thanks AM - you are such an encourager!

A M Werner profile image

A M Werner 6 years ago from West Allis

Mekenzie, editing just shows you have a real passion for what you are writing, and you want it to say exactly what your feel. And telling us that you edited it lets us go back and enjoy your work again. Peace.

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Winsome, I LOVE that verse .. certainly applies in this life experience.. God is Good!

Winsome profile image

Winsome 6 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

So happy to hear about your parents. Eccl. 7:8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning,and patience is better than pride. Yay God!

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Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

AM, I am once again honored to have you view one of my hubs. Your comment "Many times, letting others know the burdens we have carried, helps edify the Lord in the eyes of others, and then they in turn think to turn to the Lord." is something I hope my writing will do ... perhaps save others from holding out as long as I did. I just updated the part 'home sweet home' because I needed to do a better job of describing my walk to grandpas with my mom... I do this so often .. it makes me crazy ... lol I publish the post and edit, edit, edit and by the time I am through - most everyone has already read it. What can a girl do????

A M Werner profile image

A M Werner 6 years ago from West Allis

Mekenzie, this is a wonderful testimony of faith. Many times, letting others know the burdens we have carried, helps edify the Lord in the eyes of others, and then they in turn think to turn to the Lord. All things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purposes. We never know why the Lord steers us in certain directions, but if He is driving, we can only enjoy the ride and be thankful. Peace.

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Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Winsome - you have the perfect name to describe yourself! Your kind and heartfelt comments brought tears to my eyes... healing tears. You've got my number when you reveal my caregivers heart. I like the thought of being God's helper with caregiving. I am so grateful that I get to give my cares to a God who can handle it... Just takes me a while to get there sometimes. :) Oh, and my mother - she accepted Christ before going home to be with the Father. While she was on her deathbed she told us that Jesus was in the room with her while we were not there. I prayed every day that my mom and dad would understand how much God loved them and then someday accept His gift of Jesus... They both did! Another miracle from a faithful Father who hears and answers.

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Dear Hop, thanks for the kind words friend. God is interwoven into each part of my journey. What would we do without knowing God is real and that He cares and He waits for us to come to Him?

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Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

RevLady, the funny thing is that I thought I was inviting Him to work ... but actually, I was doing the work and didnt' GIVE it to Him. It took me awhile to figure that out. Thanks for gracing my hubs once again .. Bless YOU dear lady!

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Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Dear eng_naby, do not be concerned about your english ... I heard your heart ... and I am speechless. Your tears are precious and I thank you for caring so deeply. Your analogy of a wonderful rose coming out of hardship was beautiful and so sweet. Thank you for your kind words ... you have blessed me through and through!

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Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

loria, the prayer is one of surrender and acknowledgement of our need to release and trust God. I am glad you pray that prayer too ... you must have John Baker's book huh? Thanks sister for stopping by.

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Winsome 6 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

I agree with eng_naby it is a wonder that such a delicate wonderful rose sprouted from such hostile soil. Your words "God took me ... one finger at a time and released my white knuckled grip" is my own story as well. The most touching to me was how you waited and got your heavy father to a place where he could sleep while others were oblivious. God has given you a caretaker's heart and a forgiving one. He finally was able to help you see that for most things, He has that job and you get to assist, but mostly to just be grateful. Thank you for letting us in. The only way to create a beautiful diamond is with heat and pressure and now we know how you were made. Thank you again Mekenzie. I hope your mother was able to reach a happier place. I know she has had joy watching you grow as you did with your Daniel. Blessings

Hopmoney wizard profile image

Hopmoney wizard 6 years ago from barak

hi mckenzie. excited to read you hub. my case is similar to you regarding family background that is why i could relate. I am blessed and I appreciate your openness because thru this you are spreading the gospel. Our life and relationship with the Lord and how He has done wonderful works in our lives and circumstances is best testimony for those people who doesn't know God. You are reaching out God bless

eng_naby 6 years ago from cairo egypt

first i hope u forgive me for my poor english as i can not find the suitable wards to express my feeling during and after reading the English tend to be scientific due to my study...any way..inspite of man crying in my community is not usual i admit that igot alot of tears imagining ur hard childhood and wonder how this wonderful rose come through this heavy environment..more over make u delicate enough with wonderful inner feelings appear from ur expression which indicate high humanity.iam really happy for ur being in spite of all this very strong..u really taught me many things ....finally u got the result GOD THE MOST wonderful ward in our lives keeping as safe and secure as he made with ur son when u gave up seeking reasons god willing requires no reasons and sometimes no logic god really above every thing...i am really happy for u and appreciate u telling as a real personal sure that we all have suffering in some way

i hope u wonderful life with all u are family u are great woman

RevLady profile image

RevLady 6 years ago from Lantana, Florida

A wonderful testimony to the goodness of God and how He operates in our lives.

Though He is always with us through every difficulty, He waits until He is invited to work out His will and purpose in our lives.

We praise Him for the lessons He teaches us that draws us even closer to Him. May we let Him be who He is.

Thank you for the self-disclosure. May it be a blessing to others. Love and peace!

Forever His,

loriamoore 6 years ago

That's a wonderful prayer that I too pray for myself. Thanks for sharing.

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

creativeone, it is always a joy to have you visit my hubs. You also know the pain I describe. Yes, God is faithful ... I wish I weren't so knuckle-brained sometimes. :-)

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Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Quill, thank you for stopping by and reading this hub. You are so right about putting your thoughts on paper. I had a psychology professor advise me to do that years ago and it has been so healing. Question - Have you published your book series? I'd love to read it! You are an encourager and though you are probably around my age ... I see you as a GREAT father figure! Blessings and Hugs right back at ya! :-)

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creativeone59 6 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

Thank you Mckenzie, I have been there with my youngest son of five kids and it wasn't a picnic, but by his grace,I put him in Gods hands and he's striving to do better. God is so good is so good to us all we need to do is ask and neleive with all our heart. Thank you for sharing with us. Godspeed. creativeone59

"Quill" 6 years ago

Mekenzie sometimes just writing about the horrors you were subjected to as a child do the healing for us. I know it has in many ways for me. The book series I have just completed took me back into some ugly dark times, things I had forgotten about brought the flood of emotions back and I simply gave them to God to look after.

There is something very refreshing about placing words to paper, sharing them with others that clear the air and allows us to move's a blessing to know that you love the Father...never forget that He loves you right are His child, you are a light to all who read what you write.

Blessings and Hugs

Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Dohn, oh ... now look what you've done ... you made me cry. You have such an incredibly kind heart. I've seen your comments on many forums and hubs. They are always filled with dignity and kindness. I am honored to know you here on the hubs where I have learned - not only are you an awesome man ... your writing is superb! Thank you my friend!

dohn121 profile image

dohn121 6 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

This was an absolutely incredible reflection, Mckenzie. Thank you so much for sharing such a heartfelt and personal account about your family: your father and your son. It gives me hope that your hope of helping your son was not at all in vain as your prayers were answered. The power of love shouldn't ever be underestimated. Thank you so much for sharing this with me and to all of us here at HP. I hope that things are much better in your life. You certainly deserve at least that.

Warmest Regards,


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