Oh no, my teenage daughter came home at 03:30 last night! This is my strategy plan to prevent future occurrences!

This is how a felt last night!
This is how a felt last night!

So, now it has happened! After a long time of constant arguing over what time is the proper time for her to be home at night, the one thing that wasn’t supposed to happen, has happened anyway. My little darling, our beautiful daughter came home at 03:30 last night! And believe me, it’s really not okay! And now, what remains, is to try to understand why it happen and to develop a strategy plan to prevent it from happening again!

Why must they grow up and become teenagers?
Why must they grow up and become teenagers?

Why did it happen now?

That and many other horrible thoughts is what cross my mind during the long hour’s terrible hours in the night. Up until a few weeks ago, I have always felt that I could trust her. She has been where she has said she should be, (or at least I have thought so). And even if she has been out at evenings she has always come home on the time that was agreed or shortly after time. My daughter have always been careful, thorough, kind, careful to be fare, managed to keep track of her homework without help etc. And I am afraid that she is a little bit spoiled by us, she does not help that much in everyday task. Her only task is to keep her room tidy, and that isn’t a problem. Other than that, she does her homework, keep up in school, plays soccer, which means training two nights a week and a match at the weekend. She also attends fitness training ones a week and goes to confirmation class one night a week. Because of her busy schedule we have thought that it is quite enough. Personally, I think it is to much activity, but she has chosen it herself.

But the worst part is that she and her friend have developed to fast, none of them look like fourteen years anymore. And they attract older boys; it started with a few timid pimply guys a few years older than them. But now, the latest boy is at the age of nineteen! And he has a friend that is twentytwo years old! So, from thinking a few months ago, that boys on mopeds where exiting, they quickly switched over to guys with a licence! Neither I nor my husband has met those guys yet And until a week ago we didn't know they existed. But one can not help but wonder why boys at that age want to run around with two girls at the age of fourteen! My daughter says that they just look at a movie and hang out together.

I figured it out a week ago, when I talked to the mother of my daughter’s friend, and we realized that we both were deceived. We had been fooled by the classic trick; to believe our children when they say that they spend the night at their girlfriend’s house. We figured out that they must have been sleeping somewhere else! When confronted, we ended up with different answers about where they were that night. So, after that we have forbidden her to associate with the older boys until we have met them.

But, back to last night. When leaving in the evening, she said that she was going to a nearby village by bus, for a girl’s night with friends. She said she would go home with a friend’s mom. And the agreed time was 23:00. At 23:30 I text her, asking why she wasn't home yet. And she answer that the mom couldn't come and she had to stay the night. Oh, no I said. You will not stay the night! Unfortunately, me and my spouse had been drinking vine to dinner and couldn't drive and pick her up. So, the solution was that she took the late night bus with some friends, and came home at 03:30.

The strategy plan!

We have done the talking strategy. We have tried the forbidden strategy. So, now we have another plan! Since she cant be trusted until she have prove the contrary, the following applies:

  • She would have to "pay back" the hours she was late last night, by that she must come home one hour earlier than before the entire upcoming month.
  • We will at all occasions make arrangements where I shall pick her up, and decide the time.
  • If she is late, I will come and pick her up, where ever she is, and the time she is late will be added to the pay-back time.
  • If I cant find her, and I am forced to drive around looking for her, she will have to pay for the gasoline that is spent from her monthly allowance.

If this doesn't work either, we go for the money strategy!

What I really would like to do, is to lock her in, until she is older and wiser. Or does anybody have another tip?

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Comments 24 comments

Wife Who Saves 6 years ago

You are facing what many parents have faced. Maybe you could explain to your daughter that if a boy does not want to come home to meet mom and dad, then she should assume that he is hiding something. She could invite him over to play basketball, video games or for dinner. Best wishes.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 6 years ago from Sweden Author

Wife Who Saves, I hope she will bring a boy home soon,it would feel so much better if I know who he is. And as you wrote; otherwise he is hiding something, is a good point! I am grateful for your adwice and good wishes!


kelle 6 years ago

My daughter just stayed out all night at a boys house, she is 16. We are forbidding sleepovers indefinately and she is grounded for 2months. she used the classic, I will be spending the night with my girlfriend, AND called us from the girls home number at agreed time for her to be at that house. turns out there is an ap to phones you can plug in a "from" number, and she used that!!!!!! I say ground your daughter.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Kelle, I am so sorry for the late response, somehow I wasn´t aware of you your comment, i missed it! Sorry again! And such a useful comment, the thing with the phone ap!! What's coming next? Sometimes I want to monitore her with a GPS, but then again, now! She must make a own way, I only which her a safe way! The worst part of it is the lies. I can´t take that at all. When she lies I get absolutely furious. As I imagine you did too. One of her friend that was with her that night got grounded for 7 months. Althoug I think it was to hard, I can understand why they did it. Thanks for your advice, I sure will have it in mind, if it becomes a second time. For now, we sort of have an agreement. The paying back time and our anger did the trick for now. But I have no illusion, there will be another time! Thank you so much for your comment, it means a lot to hear about how other families solve this problems. It is a struggle, that for sure! Sometimes I wonder why every generation must go through this stadium! Thanks again for your much appreciated comment! I hope it turns out well with your daughter! We just have to watch them all the time until they do it well themselves. Take care!


meteoboy profile image

meteoboy 5 years ago from GREECE

As parents, we need experience and advices!!! Your article is very useful. Thank you.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Meteoboy, to be a parent is the most difficult and most important jobs that we do in our life! And we all do wrong now and then, because there is no right or wrong. We have to test different methods and se which works the best! It is great if this hub can be of any use! Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment!


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

Super strategy plan! My daughters are married now BUT they did give me some nights of worry but not many, luckily :)

Good luck with your plan...I hope it works!


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Sunshine! I am glad to meet you! Good that you are done with it, it is such a difficult time as a parent. I feel that it is a learning process for both teenager and for us as parents. We must let them make their own mistakes but also guard them so it doesn't get out of hand totally!

I am happy to say, that it worked out quite well. It is much calmer and better now than before even though I know it will come more nights... At least she learned that she has to come home at time or call me if she is late.

Thanks for your comment, it feels good with support from other parents that have experienced the same thing!

Tina


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

That's fantastic news thoughtforce! I'm starting from scratch again with my grandaughter...mama says no and then she comes to Grandma. It's soooo much more difficult to say no to your grandchild then it is to your child. It's a pleasure meeting you also. Looking forward to your hubs!


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

OMG, starting again! I can imagine it is far more difficult with a grandchild. Every grandparent I know is so soft with them, and the grandchildren knows it:))

Tina


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

Tina, I could not help but smile while I read this hub of yours - can’t believe I’ve missed it 8 months ago. Smile, because I remember this time in my life so well. It was a horrible time, worrying myself sick, praying, preaching, bitching... oh my, I thought I was going crazy. Those damn young men with their second-hand, roaring cars, not able to impress their compeers, then they go for the more innocent and inexperienced and evidently harm them in many ways.

Yes, we all went/go/or will go through this phase. I was just as petrified when my daughter played this one on me, and I’ve applied all the rules in the book until the very end. Today we laugh about that, and together we prepare ourselves for her turn (with two daughters). She is going to receive her investment of worries in me with dividends. Lol!

It is very clear to me that you have a perfect sense of firm, but fair, discipline, and that you will make the right decisions in every situation, although you may all the time feel incapable of keeping that wild horse of a teenager yoked :))) Fortunately, more or less at the age of 22, they enter the next phase of (wo)manhood, where they are, thanks to a couple of bad experiences, more responsible and thoughtful.

I wish you the best of strength for this phase.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Martie, yes it is a horrible time! I think I am aging in double speed some nights:)) I wish I could protect her from some experiences but she must make some of the choices by her self.

And at the same time I love to be part of it, to have the privilege to see her grow up. I look forward to the day when we are pass this phase though and it is a comfort to know that we probably will be able to laugh about it someday. The age of 22! Oh my! For now I try and focus and hope she will be out of this phase soon, and no longer than at the age of 17 or 18!

It is so good to get encouragement from parents like you, who have been there. You know how it is. It is such a comfort to hear that it will pass, that it will be all right. Even if I know it will be ok, it feels good to here it from others:)) Thanks Martie, and hugs for saying all the right words.

Tina


thelyricwriter profile image

thelyricwriter 4 years ago from West Virginia

Tina, interesting article. It appears that kids are growing up a lot faster then they use too. I don't want to say it is forced on them, but I believe technology is to blame for some. We have so many ways to communicate with one another now. Back in the days, a letter and the phone was the only way. Now, you have cell phones, text, email, ect.ect. There is so much information made available to them at this point in time. It is easy to obtain also. Computers can increase the knowledge and wisdom of a kid by a high percentage. There are ways to sneak out in articles for example. That respect level is not there anymore. The world has changed for sure. All you can do is try. You need to get the message in her head about life. They should teach a "life" course in school. My daughter is 3 but I dread the day my friend. I am sure you will make the right choice.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 4 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi The lyricwriter, Yes it is a terrible time to go through as a parent! You know they are to small, (or at least you think they are) and they are out there some where! It took me some time but now she understand that she must tell me where she is.

You are so right about technology, it is so easy for them to pass on messages between friends and as a parent it is hard to catch up. The world has changed and it is really a chock to realize your child is out there without me as parent to watch out for her. It shouldn't come as a surprise, but it does! Thanks my friend for you supportive comment! We all need to hear that we do the best we can. I am sure you will do the best also when your daughter grow up!

Thanks for reading, I appreciate your visit and your comments!

Tina


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Talk about an age-old problem! I was always grateful that I had a son to raise and not a daughter, for this very reason, although my son managed to worry me on more than one occasion. There is not a parent out there who can't associate with how you are feeling right now. I love the idea of locking them up but I'm afraid the courts would frown on that. Best of luck!


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 4 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi billybuc! It is a comfort to know that I am not alone and that it will pass! We all do our best and most teenagers will be all right and grow up to great adults. I often think about that and it helps:) Thanks for the encouraging comment and for understanding,

Tina


PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 4 years ago from Dallas, Texas

Tina, These are the trying years of parenthood. What worked for us and on us doesn't work anymore. As you've said, technology and the world has given way to so many opportunities that can lead to trouble. I think you handled the situation quite well.

Peg


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 4 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi PegCole, Yes it really is! It is so difficult to know if we do the right thing or handle the situation good. I am so glad that the worst early teenage years are done now, she is now 16 and even though I can not relax yet, it is a bit easier now! I think many of us compares with our own teenage years even if we know it isn't working:) Thanks for your support and the encouraging comment. I hope my experiences can help other parents!

Tina


livingpah2004 profile image

livingpah2004 4 years ago from USA

As parents we have to take some major steps. Your pay back plan strategy seems like a good idea. I have 2 teenage daughters and fortunately haven`t faced such surprises yet.Useful hub. Voted up!


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 4 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi livingpah! I am very happy to say that it did work with my daughter. She is now 16 years old and she is much more mature in her actions. She will always tells me where she is and we haven't had any problems with her regarding our rules in a long time. I also feel that I can rely on her to look after her self better now. So maybe we both have learned something along the way. It takes a bit of learning about how to be a teenage parent and every family must come to an agreement about the way in how we treat each other. It is a balance between holding them back because we care so much about them, and letting them go since we want them to learn how to live in the world outside our home. It is not an easy taks and I wish you all the luck with your teenage daughters! Thank you so much for the votes and for the comment!

Tina


LongTimeMother profile image

LongTimeMother 4 years ago from Australia

Congratulations. Those two years between 14 and 16 can be tough. It will be interesting to hear how your daughter travels over the next two years. It seems your strategy has worked well so far. You must be very pleased.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 4 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi LongTimeMother! I really like your name! Yes, the years between 14 and 16 has been tough and it still is a struggle to be a parent some days:) But it is much easier now and we have both learned how to make this work the best way. It is wonderful to be a parent though and the love for our children makes it so worth it! Thank you so much for the comment and for the congratulations!

Tina


BigBrother 2 years ago

Saw this and couldn't help but comment. My little sister is 16 and is always out late. Just last night, she went to a concert that ended at 10pm and came back the next morning. No "I'm gonna be late", "sleeping over at a friend's", text whatsoever. My parents tried grounding her, but she would just walk right out of the house.

She also dropped out of school recently because of depression, anxiety issues and refuses to go back. My parents don't say much to her because she is suicidal (been hospitalized for self harm and overdosing before) and they treat her like she is very fragile.

At 16, she has multiple tattoos (all without permission), and is very into rock music meaning she is always around a much older crowd - I've seen 30+ year olds hit on her before because of the legal consent age here.

Sorry this is so long but I'm all out of ideas and worried sick that one day she's not going to come home. Anyone have any suggestions?


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 2 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi BigBrother, I am so sorry to hear about your little sister and I understand that you are worried. This is far to complicated for me and my suggestion is that you and your family needs som professional guidance. It sounds as if your little sister have a caring family and get support from you and from your parents but sometimes that isn't enough. Especially when it comes to anxiety, depression and self harm. It is so hard to be young these days and there are far too many temptations and standards to live up to for young girls. Keep on trying and I do hope that you will find a solution! Thanks for your comment and I will be thinking of you and your sister.

Tina

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