Our Parents, Their Influence and Impressions

A Time to Remember A Time to Forgive
A Time to Remember A Time to Forgive

Realities behind who we are

To hear some people tell it, they are who they are and have what they have, as a result of their own talents and drive. That is of course, if all in their life is positive and wonderful. On the other hand, when things haven't gone quite right, their journey has been difficult or peppered with failure, their finger will point away....in an outward direction.

These unfortunate souls sing a pitiful song of a dysfunctional family, abusive parents, a life void of proper necessities. Excuses are endless and the truth is, they're also fairly useless. There are any number of tales people will spin to explain who and what they are and why.

The reality we should be aware of is that no sole individual makes it to the top of the mountain as the lone champion. Likewise, all men who rape and murder do not do so because they were beaten in childhood. How we get to where and who we are is a whole lot more complex than we can even imagine. It's just not simple.

In the span of a lifetime, it is not unreasonable to suggest that countless people,circumstances and situations touch us in numerous ways and play their part in contributing to the pieces that ultimately becomes our image.

Each of us are influenced in unique ways and to varying degrees by this puzzle-making process. Our genetics certainly are key to directing how when and why we absorb and assimilate everything that happens every moment we exist.

As adults, if and when we take the time to think back to our younger years, it may strike us as easy to understand how and why we got where we are. By that I mean quite simply, if we can recall our parents having been supportive and consistent in terms of our education, we can be sure we gave our all throughout our school years. This strong basic foundation is/was the vital boost to every step taken thereafter. My children grown and on their own for some time now, I've yet to meet the loving parent who does not want that their children surpass our own achievements. This concept is so Universal and constant, it is the shared but silent understanding among parents the world over. We want for a children an even better life than we may have had.

Parents, Our First Loves

Mom and Dad, two simple three-letter words. But oh the powerful overwhelming meaning of these words....the visions, sounds and emotions these two words create within our mind. One man and one woman who brought us into the world and held our helpless being in their hands. We begin our life with a mere pair of human beings who represent our entire world. They are our original and adoring caregivers, without whom we would cease to be. In order to thrive in every way we are dependent upon them as they unselfishly oblige.

Throughout our years of growth and development, they fulfill their responsibilities and faithfully perform parental duties. We do not know them as the man and the woman they have always been. They are our mother and father, our providers, guardians, teachers and source of comfort. It remains this way through the years while our differences and similarities clash or blend, bringing pride as well as disappointment. The bond is constant but the road can be rough with twists and turns... moments of peace throughout years of battle.

We argue and rebel and our parents demand and insist. They criticize our choices. We criticize their judgement. As we're searching and groping to reach adulthood, we look to Mom and Dad to support and encourage us. Often they fulfill our wishes and needs and just as often, they may not.

Miraculously, it somehow progresses to the day we take wing to enter the big bad world, with the fruits of our upbringing tucked under our arm.. Now we suppose, we are our own person. We are certain we carry within us only the best of qualities and characteristics of our parents. We refuse to think we will do many of the things they did that we disliked so much. We were careful to pick and choose only those traits and habits we wanted. That which would make us shine like a star.

Difficult as it may be to accept, not all children and parents love one another. Many are incapable. Some were never meant to have children. Whatever the case may be, sadly, far too many people hold bitterness and blame within their hearts. It happens. With maturity and experience these hurts may be resolved. In the meantime, adult children begin to wonder why they do what they do, or catch a glimpse of their flaws and feel inadequate.. The natural reflex is to look for approval, at every turn.



Parental Influence: Nurture or Nature?

We're different, but we can be friends.
We're different, but we can be friends.

Coming Face to Face with the Truth

Once we reach adulthood, hopefully we're intimately familiar with our basic nature. We know our strengths and weaknesses and perhaps, can admit to a few quirks. Without a good deal of soul-searching and some effort thrown in as well, we may or may not be completely pleased with the person we see. Knowing what talents we possess is a positive force we can work with to our benefit. Facing our faults or shortcomings is not such a treat.

By pure nature there comes that moment we begin to question how we managed to allow flaws to invade our personality. "We are all fallible humans, after all," doesn't bring much comfort. Depending on what stage we're in, this self-criticism can result in looking to place blame. I'm afraid the first people who come to mind, are our parents. Poor Mom and Dad....yes, it must be their fault that we're not perfect. They may have been wonderful, loving and supportive, but apparently something they did or did not do, must be responsible for the fact that we're quick to anger or slow to forgive. We reason we must have been stifled by an overbearing and demanding parent. A tragic reality may be that in fact, you were quite neglected and abused.

And thus, begins our journey of searching, questioning and groping for answers. For without answers, how do we grow and advance? What a gift it would be to have our own personal guru at this point in our life to advise and alert us. They would help to guide us through the open doors awaiting our arrival. Those doors that expose our inner self, the heart and soul of who we are. There is a need to expose our purest authenticity. If you've been there, you already know what I mean.

If we're willing to look deeply enough and be honest enough to understand the very core of our being, we come to the truths. Its' as though we've always known what we're capable of,but for reasons we cannot bear to accept, we settle for being less. There exists a dialogue we exchange with our own inner spirit. In our effort to always protect our heart, we build walls. Unfortunately, these walls can manifest as less than pleasant traits in our character and to harsh interactions with others. We learn to lash out or to be unkind. It means survival for us, to be first to strike down a perceived enemy.

It's time, we know, to break the bonds that keep us void of true happiness and peace. Bonds that we, ourselves created and fortified. No one else, no parent, no friend,no enemy.....just us. When this epiphany arrives, we can be freed from our demons. We can become the person, we are meant to be.

It is then we see clearly and love freely. We find it liberating to embrace tolerance, forgiveness and generosity. The walls will topple and our doubts will be gone. The ability to feel this wholeness, to appreciate life's gifts......will direct us to see that the influence of both good and bad, were gifts we were given by those the very closest to us since the day of our birth.





Parental Influence Basic & Simple(?)

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Comments 60 comments

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Wayne.....It is always a special day for me when I see you here, bearing your gift of wisdom. Having the opportunity to interact with individuals willing to share their heart and speak their mind, never fails to enrich me.

It's especially comforting to communicate with an enlightened "Boomer." There truly is no other group with whom I can relate and be certain that they truly "get it." It's just plain old comfortable.

Your last few sentences brought tears to my eyes.....tears of remembrance.

I miss you, Wayne. So good to hear from you.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 2 years ago from Texas

We live in a world where people, attempting to demonstrate their own logic, conclude something logical about acts committed by illogical-thinking people. Ironically, we embrace it because as human beings we tend to look for the logic in everything. In fact, murder and rape are illogical acts carried out by illogical people and first and foremost, we need to accept them as such. In terms of the parent child relationship, it either evolves over time or it remains frozen in time. A child growing to hate and resent their parents in their youth and carrying forward with that is a good example. At the same time, we as parents, must realize that our relationship with our children must change with age and time. When we are all adults, it certainly must be different but everyone has to understand that concept. For us baby-boomers, that is difficult because there is such a difference in the culture of our parents versus us. In today's world, we have come full circle and now the parent coddles the child well into adult life creating that expectation of continued coddling. The question is who will be the most screwed up as a result? My epiphany with my parents came when I realized that I needed to be embrace them and say "I love you" outloud. When I started doing that, they started doing that, and over time, it came real easy. ~ WB


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Paul....Thank you so much for your generous comment. I'm glad it made you take a mental walk through your childhood. I too, have been able to come to terms with some of the things my parents did, that I wasn't too happy about as a youngster. In the end, our interests were always in their hearts..........


Paul Kuehn profile image

Paul Kuehn 3 years ago from Udorn City, Thailand

Paula,

This is an awesome and very thought-provoking hub. When I look back on my late parents and home life growing up, there were certainly things that made me unhappy. Being older now, I realize that things could not have been different based on my parents' socio-economic situation. What I do remember is that my parents encouraged me to make something out of my life and helped me financially all that they could. By their austere lifestyle, my sisters and brother are now able to share in an inheritance which many other people might not have. My parents taught me hard work, and challenged me through education to better my life. Voted up, sharing with followers and on Facebook, and Pinning.


TycoonSam profile image

TycoonSam 4 years ago from Washington, MI

Yes Paula, that would be correct. LOL


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

At the very least....clean hands!! Thanks Sam.....I hope you meant to make me laugh......because you did. I'm thinking literally CLEAN hands!!! LOL


TycoonSam profile image

TycoonSam 4 years ago from Washington, MI

Very inspirational hub and I agree with you on our parents helping form who we are in the early years. I also think we are a combination of all the people who have touched us throughout our lives. As we continue this journey called life we continue to learn and grow.

May all the people who touch you throughout your life have good intentions, pure hearts and clean hands.

Voted up and awesome!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

I would be the last person to ask.....but if someone is "following" a certain hubber......their newly published hubs should definitely appear in our thread. That is how I am notified of every hub written by everyone I follow.....as well as when a hub-buddy of mine "shares" a hub by anyone. Then I am notified of that as well.....

I can only say I will TRY, somehow to let you know, but it may not always happen.


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

I want to know why I don't get notified when you write something. How am I supposed to know???? Can I count on you to tell me? NOOOOOOOOOO! This just won't do!

Great hub....you and I pretty much feel the same way about the parents we had.


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

I heard my name!!! I was right!! Yes we are SFAM!:)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Pamela....borrowing a comment I heard first from our Sunshine625...."We are all Sisters by Different Misters!"

Have a wonderful night.


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 4 years ago from United States

Thank you and I think you are right. Our story is not uncommon.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Pamela...I must tell you. Your comment, word for word, could have easily been written by me! (and I'm sure, many more women out there, reading this!!)


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 4 years ago from United States

Life wasn't perfect for me growing up either, and I made some bad choices when I was young. My mother is a strong woman, kind and resourceful. I feel she taught me those traits, plus I reached out to others to learn to deal with problems. I am happy most of the time today and there is not much that stresses me. It has been a process as I've aged, where I've taken a look at myself and worked on the parts I didn't like. My sons all grew up to be responsible, hard working men that love their families, despite whatever shortcomings I had in their youth. This hub really makes you think and it is very well written.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Eliza.....I must say you had to deal with a difficult way of becoming your own person, but it's apparent you're a total success at doing so.

"Nurture can cloud your vision"......this is a powerful statement, Eliza. I thank you for giving me some serious food for thought...Quite a concept to study. Bless your precious heart, and your beautiful spirit.


ElizaDoole profile image

ElizaDoole 4 years ago from London

Wonderful hub Fpherj48. I'm an orphan so based on my life experience - orphaned as an infant - my driving personality is genetic. I've had to shake off all the nurture. I never thought I was worthless, which is what I've inherited from my genetic parents. As an adult, I've been able to live in society with more freedom to find myself, free of the influence of other carers. Just my view. Nurture can cloud your vision, ultimately, your genetics shines through.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Coge...so good to see you with us again! Thanks for reading this hub....you must have a ton to catch up on!

You are lucky to still have your Mom and wise to spend as much time as possible with her. Often, we get so busy with life, we tend to let these things fall by the wayside. But they're really important.

Please take it from me.....I am the lone survivor of my birth family. It's an empty, empty feeling..!! Peace...have a super week-end!


Cogerson profile image

Cogerson 4 years ago from Virginia

Awesome hub. Sadly we are coming up on the one year anniversary of my father's passing. So he has been on my mind even more than normal. My dad had such a positive influence on my life....and it seems like his lessons are still ones that I use. As a child I picked up on lots of the things he enjoyed....from baseball to particular baseball players to playing golf to movies....yes you can blame him for my movie love....lol. My father was always there for me and I miss him very much.

Luckily my mother is still around. And I have tried to make sure I spend as much time with her as I can.....and appreciate the time I get to spend with her.....so yes those 3 letter words are indeed some powerful words....Mom and Dad.

Voted up and awesome.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

My family is very much the same, Vinaya. We believe in "family first" and are all very close to each other. I'm glad you liked this. Thank you for stopping by.


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

I was brought up in a culture that gives much importance on family values.

We are here because of our parents.

I liked your point of view.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

teaches.....I am often amazed at my own actions and reactions, that are at least 90% based upon the strong influence of my unpbringing and relationship with my parents. Those moments when I am fully aware that a belief or opinion stems from precisely what I learned through heeding and or experiencing the attitudes of my mother and father.

Strangely, I notice this much more as I am aging as opposed to the time during which I raised my own children. Yet, I have little choice but to realize I parented very much like my own...(consciously?)

This subject is so interesting and important IMO....perhaps more so for those who may have negative feelings and memories.

Thank you for stopping by and adding your comment. I appreciate it.


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 4 years ago

Our parents are the most influential people in our lives and they do role model for us what is to be expected from us. Some parents do not always give us the best examples to live by, but we must at some point consider what is best for us regardless. Thanks for the wonderful message and the challenge to talk with our parents about our impressions.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Comparejuniorisa.......Thank you for your lovely words. This is so true. No one can give us the unconditional, constant love of our own parents....Peace!


comparejuniorisa profile image

comparejuniorisa 4 years ago from United Kingdom

Our soul and our mind is formed from our families and that's why we became better persons, they are and will be all for us.

Lovely this Hub.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Wonderful update....I had a feeling that the numerous moves were due to the military......which is of course, unavoidable.

Congratulations to you for such an honorable and stellar service record!


Raptorcat profile image

Raptorcat 4 years ago from North Lauderdale, FL

Well, My dad and I have overcome much of that, but I think that the fact that I was such a well respected soldier, for the short time that I was in his unit, and for the rest of my service, that it overcame much of that.

as far as the repeated moves, I ended up going to 2 elementary schools, 3 Jr Highs and 3 high schools, spread between IL, WI and Florida. Florida was the worst, but that is an issue for a different hub as THAT was a handicap instituted by a substandard schools system.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Raptorcat....I can understand why you felt as though the unwarranted put-downs by your Dad seemed to handcap you, but hopefully, as you have matured and come to a more valid realization, I will imagine you can see those issues for what it truly was.

Far too often, parents (especially Dads) hope to make amends for their own mediocre history, by holding a child to unrealistic standards.....thus using this as a diversion for their own shortcomings. Relocating every 3 years or so, can be an unsettling scenario to children in terms of repeated school changes and social readjustments.

I'm sure you are absolutely normal....perhaps even extraordinary!


Raptorcat profile image

Raptorcat 4 years ago from North Lauderdale, FL

Growing up, my worst handicap, as relates to family was my father almost always seeming to put me down for not doing as well as he had hoped in school and the fact that we never stayed in one place for more than 3 years.

It was my grandparents that were the most stable of my family. They stayed where they were and were strict enough to instill discipline and easy enough to recognize that kids are not perfect.

It didn't help me that I am the oldest and had the responsibility that always seems to come with that. Still, I think that I grew up pretty normal.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

cclitgirl....Thank you so much for your stunningly candid response. Your soul-bearing is respected and appreciated. Most children (in the process of growing up) do not show gratitude for parents/guardians. They have not matured yet to the point of refelction and coming to terms with the past. This is Universal.

The here and now is what matters. No doubt your grandparents love you very much.


cclitgirl profile image

cclitgirl 4 years ago from Western NC

Great, thought-provoking hub. I've pondered this question so many times. I was adopted within my family, and I always have to wonder what I would have been like had I remained with my real mom. My grandparents (who adopted me) weren't perfect. In fact, at times, we've had a rocky relationship, especially in my early 20s. Now that I'm in my 30s, I can see their side of things so much better. I realize that though they weren't perfect, they always did their best with me and I'm just so thankful to them. I didn't always show that I was thankful. But, as I have gotten older, I respect them SO MUCH more. I also hold them blameless for any of MY decisions. I always had a choice, though I didn't always acknowledge that. They had a choice to take me in and I hope - beyond all hope - that they never regretted the decision to adopt me and care for me against all odds. Thanks so much for sharing this.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Till...When we look intently at our blessings, it can overwhelm us....I know of what you speak. It can humble us to realize that somehow we were hand chosen to be granted wonderfully loving parents, exceptional children and the utter joy of grandchildren.

These incredible gifts have truly made us who we are....happy, loving and extremely grateful women, who treasure it all and continue to live in a way that makes us worthy. A special person like yourself, cannot help but attract goodness and grace.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Wes....Far from stupid, my friend. It takes a thoughtful and wise man who realizes the importance of his parents and the necessity of a close bond with hem. Not another soul in the world has your best interests at heart like a Mom and Dad!!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

carrie...It is surely an important role and difficult to do well. The one thing that is a constant when we become parents is that we never again make a decision that effects only us!!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

wewillmake...Than you for coming by to give your opinion. It is true that many parents put forth an incredbly heroic effort to provide us with the best options for a good and productive life.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Tammy...You make an excellent point. No matter what our parents efforts afford us, it is our responsibility and choice to make something of what they have taught us. Knowing how to pick and choose that which will benefit our life and fit with our personality! Very thoughtful reply, Tammy!


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 4 years ago from New York

I like your reference to a puzzle-making process..how true. Our parents try to fit the pieces together but ultimately it is we who have to finish the puzzle.

I was fortunate to have two wonderful parents. They were compassionate, understanding, involved, loving, nurturing...I could go on for days. They were just wonderful people and I consider myself VERY lucky.

As for my kids I'd have to agree with you and SS...I don't know how it happened but all four are wonderful adults and three of them have wonderful children. (The fourth one is trying right now.) Somehow, some way, what my parents taught and did rubbed off and though I know I made tons of mistakes my kids must've just seen the right stuff!

I'm looking forward to the hub about your story. It has got to be great! Only someone as warm and loving and funny as you could do the subject justice.

Voted this up, useful and interesting.


Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

Wesman Todd Shaw 4 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

I think I'm too fond of mine....or I'm too stupid to survive without them one.


carriethomson profile image

carriethomson 4 years ago from United Kingdom

Appreciated how you bring up the points into your hubpages and some point which shows how difficult is to be play the role of the parents and take care of our children and give them unconditional love......

salute to the parents who has done hardworking..............


wewillmake profile image

wewillmake 4 years ago from kerala-INDIA

I also think that more than half of our talents and the success only by the efforts of our parents only.


tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

This is a great an introspective hub. I believe that our parents give us the foundation of our personality in childhood. This relationship forms our ability to trust in other human beings and teaches us what we can expect from others. What we do with this foundation is up to us. This is a very thought provoking idea. Well written!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Kelly....Nice to hear from you. The books shown here are some of the best on the topic.....although there are thousands! Thank goodness being a parent is as enriching and rewarding as it is, because as you put it so well, it IS one of the hardest roles in life. Hope to see you again soon, Kelly!


farmloft profile image

farmloft 4 years ago from Michigan

Great question. A hub will have to answer it. Quite often I think about my parents and am amazed at my wonderful childhood. For instance, it took me years to realize (after I'd left the nest) that we had lived in poverty. Because of our parents, there was no "woe is me" in our home.


kelleyward 4 years ago

Excellent hub! I've read some of the books you suggested and they are great tools. Being a parent is one of the hardest roles in life. Voted up, useful, and awesome. Take care, Kelley


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

My dear Martie...Thank you for such a thoughtful and interesting comment. One little word, "Ubuntu," means an entire 10 word sentence in English? Wow!...OK. That sure saves a lot of time! Thanks for the link...I am eager to read it and learn more about the Zulu philosophy.

Yes, Martie, I think anyone who has raised a child, can clearly see the "mind of our own" principle....when a tiny tot who may barely speak yet can make a facial expression and shake their head....we can hardly deny the individuality of every single human!

Who we ultimately become has much to do with an entire world of people, events, lessons, siuations....you are so accurate to use the word, "sponge." Our parents being our first and foremost source of information about how to live, to learn and love....and how to treat others.

Perfection is an illusion of course, but to be as close as we can humanly be, requires we use our free will, and make the choices that will lead us to a place of peace and contentment.

I appreciate your wisdom and your kindness, Martie. So glad we could share personal insights! Peace.


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

I'm not surprised at all that we struck gold yet again with our similar ways of thinking. Our children raised us well :)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Nell.....So glad you stopped by to share your thoughts! I love that "Mum," that the English use as the endearing term for Mother....in fact, I like many of your expressions and terms that are so different from ours.

No doubt you followed after your "Mum," in terms of the stress and panic attacks......which might give you cause to stop and think long and hard if yours may or may not be "learned response," to situations as opposed to something you're simply cursed with?? Know what I mean, GF??

As for uppity Politicians and their unwarranted, ignorant statements.....well, now, that's another hub, right?? Peace, Nell Rose. You are such a sweet lady.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Pop...your comments of your parents are beautiful..I'm sure they are as grateful for a daughter like you, as you are for them.

You really hit on a basic psychlogical principle in terms of our choices in a partner! Whether completely aware or totally clueless....the vast majority of human beings are attracted to and often end up with, either a close replica of Mom, Dad or a combo of both. (In good as well as bad cases)

In your case, more particularly, because of the loving and solid relationship between your parents, you were pretty much destined to marry that "amazing man" of yours!!! Bless you!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Starmom.....Seems like you have a great attitude....and IMO, that's the foundation to success in anything! An awful parent to help you know what you DON'T want to do and one good parent so you know how you WANT to be! Sounds like a plan! Thanks for stopping by! Appreciate your input.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

Dear fpherj, I agree with all your views regarding Parents, Their Influence and Impressions.

The Zulus in South Africa have a word ‘Ubuntu’, which means "I am what I am because of who we all are." More detail to be read about this at - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_(philosophy)

Our unique combination of genes coming from Mom and Dad is the basis of our characters, but then, certainly, we are like a sponge absorbing the influences of our environments. But keep in mind that we already as toddlers rebel against the influence of our own parents and then later against those coming from others. So the crux of the matter is that each and every one of us has our own will – to mention but only one unique characteristic. We can strive to become the best we can be in spite of everything that had happened to us, or we can simply wash our hands and say ‘I am NOTHING; I am but only a product of my bad (or good) parents and other people.”

Personally I refuse to be anybody’s or anything’s ‘product’. I consider life as an opportunity for us to be SOMEONE and to mean something worthwhile to others. I regard everything that had happened to me as courses I had to pass in order to become the person I am today. Unfortunately LIFE had not presented all the courses I wish I could have passed in order to be complete perfect today.

So the question people need to ask themselves is, “Am I really the best I can be? Or was I too lazy or self-centered or stupid to learn what I should have learned?”

Paula, you honor me with the nickname ‘princess’, and I accept it with the humbleness of a plain South African woman who know that she could have been only a princess if her father was a king. On the other hand, in spite of my parent’s shortcomings due to their genes, upbringing, circumstances and everything that had happened to them, they were/are in my eyes a king and a queen – but the proverbial king and queen, as you know many/most real kings and queens don’t meet the criteria set for kings and queens - wise, righteous, dignified and perfect rulers.

I know there are many who cannot hold their parents in this high esteem, but then I am back at my original statement: We are all born with a will of our own. We ARE who we will (want to be) in our circumstances.

I also believe our brain – intellect – plays a major role – Some people are unfortunately born without the ability to distinguish between good-better-best, bad-worse-evil, right-acceptable-wrong, et cetera…. In spite of UBUNTU, they will always be the weed among the flowers.

I’m voting this up to the stars, sharing and pimping…..


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Ruchira....I definitely hear you, my lady friend. I was fortunate to have all 4 of my grandparents into my adulthood....and witnessing how loving and respectful my parents were to their own parents at all times, was a very valuable lesson to grow up with. Thank you!!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Sunshine...after all these months of discovering how much we think alike and have in common.....I just about passed out when I read your comment about your daughters!! For years I used the statement that "my boys actually raised ME!!" and I know exactly how you feel.....I'm amazed at how wonderful my sons are, since I keep believing I was not as stellar a Mom as I really wanted to be!! They tell me I was, but I think they're just being sweet to their old MOM!!! thanks for your input!!!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Hi, first of all I totally agree with you about how some people do blame their family if it was bad, and then praise themselves if they were priveleged. I remember seeing a politition on tv saying that council house people are lazy and can't be bothered to get jobs! yet he was only successful because his parents were rich! and no my mum and dad lived in a council house, and they were the hardest workers. As for my mum and dad, they made well mannered because they were, kind, and loving, but I am sure that my panic attacks and stress come from my mum, who was always like that when she got older. I do believe we are a clean slate when we are born and pick up the good and the bad on the way.


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breakfastpop 4 years ago

So much of who I am today I owe to my amazing parents. They raised me with love, laughter and common sense. Despite coming facing to face with illness at a young age, I remained optimistic about life. I believe that I chose the most amazing man to share my life with because of the incredible example my parent's showed me. They were deeply in love and it was wonderful to witness.


Starmom41 4 years ago

first, in the area where I've been in recent years, it's essentially -all- people talk about. my POV is at some point a person makes his/her own decisions.

second, I was lucky because even though I had one parent who was awful, the other was a solid, intelligent, good person. from the former I decided what I would -not- do in life, & from the latter I had a good role model.


Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

My grand parents lived with my parents and my mom took extra care of them in all ways. I learnt to be considerate to my elders 'cause of her. Besides that I have been taught to count my blessings and be compassionate towards those who don't live your lifestyle. Gosh, there is so much they taught me but, it's making me emotional and THANK YOU for making me go on that path, Paula.

You are Gem!!


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

I've heard so many stories over the years blaming parents because a friends life wasn't perfect. Pffft! We are all responsible for our own actions. End of subject.

On the other hand I have no idea what I did right because my daughters are near perfect. Seriously I don't. I tell people they raised me, I didn't raise them!! :)


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fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Starmom41...Thank you! I hope you are encouraged to share with us!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

ALUR. You are one smart and insightful woman. To your benefit, you know what really matters. Peace!


ALUR profile image

ALUR 4 years ago from USA

Excellent, insightful hub. As a woman raised in a dual culture the parenting my folks did was very conservative as well as hypocritical at times. I found myself blaming my mother for most of her ignorant statements. But at some point and after much "searching" I have realized in mid life, there comes a point when blame has an expiration date.

My past does not equal my future.


Starmom41 4 years ago

great hub!!!

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