Parenting; 10 tips to ensure that your child becomes insecure and develop a low self esteem!

  1. Let your children daily and all the time get the message that they are a burden to you!
  2. Criticise your children every time they make a mistake while they learn new things. Or even better; laugh at them when they fail!
  3. Focus only on your child’s behaviour! Make them understand that the most important skill in life is the small things such as; to sit right on a chair at the dinner-table, eat in a perfect manner etc.
  4. Criticise their personality in front of others.
  5. Spank them when they do something wrong.
  6. Never listen to what they have to say! Their opinion doesn't count!
  7. Teach them that the opinion of others is the most important thing in life!
  8. Teach them that they shouldn't show their feelings. If they cry they are week, if they are afraid they are regarded as a sissy, and we all know that children are not allowed to show anger!
  9. Have so high demands on them that they get a constant bad conscience for never being good enough.
  10. Treat them as adults. Expect an adult behaviour from them. In that way they will fail all the time.

By following the advices above your child can become a perfectionist, a bully, an abuser, a liar, a controlled freak, a human without empathy or a person that always performs and must assert himself/herself in all positions! And they will know that the only way to feel good is to make others seem bad, worse or wrong.

But as you might have guessed, I sure hope no child is brought up in this way!

No, this isn’t the way we help our children to become secure and happy adults. I don’t say it is easy be a parent. In fact, it is very difficult and if you read my other hub about how not to be a perfect parent you will see that I don’t have all the solutions.

Even if we have a better life these days, materially, it doesn't look like humans of today feel any better! On the contrary, many people live their lives constantly focus on being dissatisfied!

They can be dissatisfied with their life, their work, the society, the authorities, the school system, the politician, their wages, their children etc. There is always something to be dissatisfied about!

But you don’t hear people talk so much about that they are dissatisfied with their own personality, their insecurity, their low self esteem, or with their ability to help others, to see others, to accept others for who they are and so on. Instead we focus on material things; we want a better car, a bigger house, more clothes and expensive clothes and of course a more glamorous job which will give us more money.

Humans may be good at inventing tools and great technology, infrastructure and other useful things. But we seem to be less good at the development of human behaviour! Generation after generation struggle with almost the same problems on human behaviour and there seems to be no learning along the way! The question is if we have developed at all from the time humans started their journey on Earth! Evolution is indeed a long-term development that can’t be seen during a lifetime but behind our house walls and our fancy clothes I doubt that we are more sophisticated than the Stone-Age man! As for the human behaviour we have a long way to go and we must start with our children!

Watch the video below and you will understand where I am going with this!

Let your children try!
Let your children try! | Source
Encourage your childrens goals!
Encourage your childrens goals! | Source
Your children will be successful in their own way!
Your children will be successful in their own way! | Source

So, how do you give your children a harmonic personality with strong self-esteem, self-security and curiosity on life and curiosity on new things?

1. Let them feel they are special!

Tell them for example; I love you so much because you are you! I am so lucky to be your parent and have the possibility to live with you because you are so kind and funny! Let them know you like them simply because of their personality and not because of what they do or achieve in life! Praising them for their personality will do wonder for their self-esteem. Take a few moments daily and look straight at them when they talk to you or when you see them after school. It is so easy to let our daily shores get in the way and only listen to what they say while you do something else. By giving them your attention you give a signal that they are important and that they are interesting to you.

2. Let children fail and try again!

Childhood is about learning, and if we are going to learn we have to fail. It is part of the package! To fail isn't the end of the world and they learn something vital from each time they fail. Give them suggestions of how to do things in another way if you have the answers and let them try again. To fail isn't a failure - it is a necessary part of the learning process!

3. Behaviour!

I wish that less focus were put on the behaviour area! No, I do not mean that children should be allowed to behave as they please! It is important to learn how to behave since we need to be accepted and live in a society. To show gratitude, to be polite and know good manners is important in life. You will get nowhere as an adult with bad manners. But small children don’t need to behave as adults because they are not small adults! It isn't natural for a child to sit up straight at the dinner table and eat with a fork and knife, it is not natural for small children to sit still and behave like grown ups. Let them have their childish manner when they are children and hopefully they will maintain some of it when they get old! You do not need to worry, even if they spill food at the table and don’t sit still as children they will learn how to be social acceptable in a restaurant as adults! To learn this kind of trivia doesn't take a lifetime if you do it when they have better ability to learn.

4. Acknowledge their personality!

By acknowledge their personality as something good, and praise them for being who they are you acknowledges their personality. I love the way you treat your friends and your sense for being such a good friend. Tell them when they have done something good as a person, when they have done a good choice, been brave, been afraid or even stubborn. Give them security in their own choices in life. You can praise your child for performance and you should as encouragement. But when you do; connect it with telling them why and make sure you connect it with a personal attribute. In this way you focus on the good things and the right way and eventually you don’t need to teach them what they shouldn't do!

5. Don’t use violence against children!

To hit or spank a child is the total failure as a parent! An adult beating a child is a betrayal, an abuse of adult responsibility since we have advantage in muscle strength. The strength that we as adults have in order to protect our children has instead been turned against them, to harm them. There is the greatest failure. You can’t beat sense in to anyone. Let them know they done something wrong and most important; tell them why, talk to them, explain to them, but to spank them doesn't solve anything. The only thing it shows is that the adult is a week person who has to hit someone so much smaller then themselves. It is far too easy and doesn't take any skill as a parent at all!

6. Listen to what children say and respect their opinions!

In our society it is vital and important that we can express ourselves and communicate with others. Without great communication skills they will get problem later on in life. So let your child practice from the beginning. You are the adult with all the experience but you do not have the answers or the right opinion in any given single situations! Let them make such decisions that are appropriate to their age and do not be afraid to compromise now and then when it is possible. It is so important that others listen to what you say and it is the same with children. They can’t have what they want all the time but they must be allowed to have an opinion.

7. Make them understand that they are unique!

You do that by practice to listen to your child. Sometimes we are too focused on helping them and give them solutions even if they don’t want it! Try instead and just be present without you taking over the responsibility or judge what they tell you or try to interpret or understand. You do not need to understand everything. If they are allowed to handle their own feelings with your support they will be able to build a strong self-esteem. Personally I think this is the hardest thing when it comes to parenting! It is so easy to just take over and swiftly try to solve all their problems since in my opinion I know best and I don’t want them to have any problem! As long as they are small children you have to do it because they can’t, so you have to show them. The difficult part is to stop when they grow up because then it has become a habit! As a parent you want the best for your children and you don’t want them to make unnecessary mistakes. But eventually you will have to let them try to solve things by themselves and your role from that moment is to stay in the background. If they need your help, they will ask you!

8. Let children show feelings!

It is ok to cry, to show anger or other feelings. Encourage them to show feelings in every situation needed. You do that by staying with them when they cry, hug them and just be there while they cry and don’t try to comfort them in order to put a smile on their face as fast as possible. As a parent you do not want your child to be unhappy or afraid but it must be allowed to show feelings if they need it! By our feelings we learn how to handle different situations in life. By showing sorrow we show that we are capable of feelings and that we can feel empathy with others. Anger shows that we can draw limits and say no when it is needed and also preserves our integrity that is so important. Fear makes us vigilant and is a sign that we can protect ourselves from dangerous and unpleasant surprises.

9. Scrap the bad conscience!

Has a bad conscience ever lead to something good or had a positive effect in any situation? I can’t imagine any such time when it comes to parenting or from a child’s perspective. Bad conscience is a feeling for not being good enough, for not living up to an expectation, for not having strength enough, for failure. Bad conscience solves nothing! It is much more constructive to learn from the mistakes and do something about it or try again. To sit or walk around with a bad conscience isn't going to get anyone anywhere!

10. Let them be children!

Of course you want the best for your child but do not put the expectation up too high. That will only teach them the opposite and they will never succeed. Help them also to set up reachable goals and teach them to climb in smaller steps from there! It is just as bad if they have to high expectations of their own. They don’t need to be the best or do everything right from the beginning! Instead teach them to take it in small steps and let them know the feeling of success. They are kids and must be allowed to be kids.

Here is a proverb for you that I love:

Don’t be ashamed because you're a human.

Be proud. Inside you, vault after vault will open endlessly.

You will never be complete and it is as it should be!

Tomas Transtromer

I realise that there are as many ideas on how to bring up children as there are parents, but this is my personal view and parenting advice! So many people live their life dissatisfied and seek for happiness where it can’t be found. I think it is time we humans give ourselves a brake and allow us to act like humans. Not like some superman chasing after hidden treasures under the rainbows! The real treasure is within us, we just need help to see it and develop the great human mind!

More by this Author


Comments 56 comments

Ingenira profile image

Ingenira 5 years ago

I like the way you started the subject with how negavities affecting the children. Cool !

Excellent advice for parents. Good reminder for me. Voted up and tweeted.


thebookmom profile image

thebookmom 5 years ago from Nebraska

I like your thoughts on the importance of being allowed to fail safely and to try again. I also like your emphasis on knowing, respecting and raising kids for who they are, as it is true they are all unique


kerlynb profile image

kerlynb 5 years ago from Philippines, Southeast Asia, Earth ^_^

Another set of very useful tips on how to become a good parent and how to raise confident and special kids! Voted up! In the list, I like tip #1 the best. It's so good that we just have to do it like everyday. It's important for kids to know that they are loved and that they are well accepted. Somehow those feelings will help them go on with life with ease and positive attitude.


Silver Fish profile image

Silver Fish 5 years ago from Edinburgh Scotland

Excellent advice.


Ask_DJ_Lyons profile image

Ask_DJ_Lyons 5 years ago from Mosheim, Tennessee

What a great thought-provoking hub! Great advice for parents. The videos were good as well.


Cloverleaf profile image

Cloverleaf 5 years ago from Calgary, AB, Canada

Hi Tina,

What a great parent you are to share all these tips! I don't have kids myself but I will be sure to pass this on the moms and dads I know. Voting up :-)

Cloverleaf.


IS1820 profile image

IS1820 5 years ago

Great Hub with a lot of tips for parents with the idea of focusing omn letting and helping kids achieve their own identity, down life's path with trial and error. You are correct with the advice of letting kids be kids and learning from mistakes.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Ingenera, I am glad I didn’t scare people off, starting the hub like that:) We all need to be reminded now and then. It is so easy to forget the most important while we try and get the time together in our busy lives. Thank you for visiting and comment

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Thebookmom, I have knowledge from my own experience since it wasn’t ok to fail in my home. It was expected that we would do well, but not so much for our own sake as for our neighbours sake (even though I imagine that our neighbours didn’t care any way) And I see the same behavour in other parents too. So I try hard to avoid that now, being a parent myself. Kids are the ones dearest to us, or they should be!

Thanks for your kind words! From your hubname and your picture I can tell you have much knowledge in this area,

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Kerlynb, you are so right! Number 1 is the most important and we can never do it too much! It gives them the foundation and they will know that we love them and that they are ok as they are. We all need to hear that now and then:)

Thanks for the vote, I appreciate your visit!

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Thank you Silverfish for stopping by and for your comment! It is nice to see you again!

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Debbie, I am glad you like this one! Sometimes I fear that humans are totally on the wrong track since we value the wrong things like money, success and power before humanity and humans. But we can try to make difference with our children and hopefully they will create a better life in generations to come.

Thanks for reading and for your kind words. I forgot to write that Agneta and Bjorn in the second video is one half of the Swedish group ABBA! Glad you like them:)

Tina


SusieQ42 5 years ago

Excellent advise. I've seen pretty much all ends of the spectrum in my years of parenting. My oldest is 42, my youngest 23. Parenting is the most difficult, yet most wonderful experience we'll ever have in life, and I'm thankful I was blessed with 5 kids.


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

A blue-print for disaster and then a road-map for a fully realized, happy child and family. The Take Good Care of Your Children video was a new one and made me feel good. Wonderful hub Tina. What is the "Abbas" child in the vid up to these days? Reminds me too on how much I love the Scandinavian people. Skoal Tina!


Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Hello Tina, what wonderful advice here, I've known some parents be reluctant to show their kids a lot of love in case it makes them soft, in my opinion spoilt children grow up soft, children that feel totally loved grow up confident.

I love the way you have written this wonderful hub and thank you for sharing, voting up.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Cloverleaf, you are so kind:) One learns as time goes by, and much of it comes from difficulties I had as a child and a teenager and even as an adult. When you struggle with unnecessary problems you want to find a solution and therefor I have spent much effort trying to understand why and how. I also read a lot on this subject because it interests me. I probably do many mistakes myself as a parent but at least I don’t make the mistakes listed here:) It is always great to see you and thanks for the sharing!

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi IS1820, yes it is very important to help them and they will learn as they go with our help! As parent we will have to find a way that works for our children and us and this is what I believe in:)

Thanks for reading and for the great! I appreciate your visit,

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

SusieQ, you must have so much experience in this area, being a parent to 5 kids! I so agree with you, it is both difficulties and wonderful and I am so thankful for being a parent!

Like you, I see and have seen some that I wish I hadn’t. Life is difficult sometimes for both kids and grownups. We can only do the best we can. Thanks for the comment and the excellent! Your comment means a lot to me,

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Alastar, sometimes it is better to list the negative first, as a way to get attention, even though we should focus on positive things more in life. I love the video too, it is so full of love and show a warm family like I think they were then.

The girl, Linda Ulvaeus is a Swedish actress and has done several good movies. She now has a daughter of her own. Their son, Christian Ulvaeus isn’t a public figure and I must say I really don’t know what he is doing now. There hasn’t been so much publicity on their private life. I hope they can live a pretty normal life now even though ABBA is well known and their music still are very popular.

Skoal Alastar and thanks for reading my hubs! See you soon,


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Movie, you are so right, the most important must be to give them love and to be there for them, when and if they need us. As they grow up they will be confident knowing we are still there! To love them isn’t the same as spoil them, far from it. We want them to be the best they can! Thanks movie, for stopping by again, I appreciate all the kind words and the encouragement I get from you!

Tina


naturalsolutions 5 years ago

Our child is the greatest gift we could have, they are our flesh and blood. We should take care of them in the most right way and not for a perfect way. Taking care of them is not really hard, just enjoy being with your child.


PeanutButterWine profile image

PeanutButterWine 5 years ago from North Vancouver, B.C. Canada

funny and thought provoking. Well said!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

Tina, I am so impressed with the way you've emphasized the importance of raising children in a positive way. I'm sharing this hub with all my friends.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma

Great advice, Tina. I had a mother who always pointed out my flaws and it's been hard to reprogram her damage.

It is important that we tell our kids how great they are because we have the most influence on them.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi naturalsolutions! I forgot that one! Very well said; “just enjoy being with your child”. It is fantastic to follow them on their way in life. Thanks for adding this important view!

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

PeanutButterWine, thank you so much for reading:)

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Martie, Your visits and your comments always bring a warm feeling and I am so glad you are there:) Treating children in a positive way is so important because I know how much time and effort it takes to repair the opposite. Thanks for reading and sharing,

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Pamela, I am sorry to hear that, and we both know how much damage it can make inside us. “Reprogram her damage” that is exactly what it takes! Common sense don’t have a thing to do with it and we know why we feel like we do. But it takes a constant reprogramming nevertheless. It is such a waste with human power and lives. Thank you so much for your insightful comment,

Tina


Wendy Sheard profile image

Wendy Sheard 5 years ago

nice pics and i love the article you wrote very useful to a mum like me:-)


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland

Tina, what a lovely way to show the effects of parenting on adult children. Children do live what they learn and they learn by example. My favorite was also about creating an environment that makes it safe to fail, because later on in life, we don't have those opportunities. The consequences can set our whole lives off track. What may take ten years to build can take thirty or forty to rebuild, if ever. What a wonderful hub!


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Wendy Sheard! I am glad you liked this one, as parents we try and do the best we can!

Thanks for reading,

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Erin, it is so nice to see you! You are so right in saying it can take very long time to rebuild self-confident. We need self-confident to allow ourselves to fail now and then even as adults. I have struggled with that problem during most part of my life and still do, now and then. It is really strange because not much of what we do as adults, are inborn!

Thank you for reading Erin and for your kind comment!

Tina


naturalsolutions 5 years ago

Hi thoughtforce,

It is nice to hear those words from you. I just said what I want and what I see. So I'm really thankful that you appreciate what I said.


katrinasui profile image

katrinasui 5 years ago

Excellent hub! great advice.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Naturalsolutions, to receive comments are the best part of writing and we learn from each other by doing so:)

Tina


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi katrinasul, Thanks for stopping by! Your visits are always welcome and so are your encouraging comment!

Tina


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

Outstanding article!!! I'm impressed with how you began the article and then turned it around, very clever!!! I like your way of thinking :)


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Sunshine and thanks for reading as well for your encouragement! Sometimes it is better to do it the other way around. But one never know, I guess that those who doesn't read the whole hub might think I am a bit crazy:) I am glad you liked it,

Tina


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

Then I hope they are reading the whole hub! You...crazy...no way!!! :))


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Thanks Sunshine, but one never know:)))


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 5 years ago from malang-indonesia

Hi, Tina. Sorry for late giving this comment to this hub. Children...oh...children. Every day, I am surrounded by many children. I agree with you that they totally unique, we must understand what they want, but don't forget to always give the guidance. I love your tips and I learn much from you as senior. Thank you very much. Well done, Tina. Vote up. Have a nice weekend!

Prasetio


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Prasetio, you are always welcome and it is never to late to visit!

The children are our future and I wish humans could improve according to our ability. So therefore it is so important that we as adults do the best we can. I am delighted if I can tell you something you don't know when it comes to children! Thank you so much for the kind words and the voting Prasetio and I wish you the best weekend too!

Tina


ktrapp profile image

ktrapp 5 years ago from Illinois

Tina - The title caught my attention, as well as the first 10 "tips." I think so often we focus on what to do as parents, that we don't realize how devastating things can be for a child when the opposite is done. This packed a lot of power in it. Voted Up.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi ktrapp! I am glad it caught your attention and it is so nice to meat you! Sometimes we need to look at things from other sides as well, since we are used to read what and how to do it.

Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, I appreciate it!

Tina


Neil Sperling profile image

Neil Sperling 5 years ago from Port Dover Ontario Canada

Great Hub... Luv It!!!


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden Author

It is always great to see you in my corner Neil Sperling, and your comment is so appreciated by me!

Tina


kelleyward 4 years ago

Outstanding!!! I agree with what you had in this article. It is refreshing to hear positive ways parents can help their children instead of all the talk in the media about how bad American parents are. Voted up!


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 4 years ago from Sweden Author

kellyward, it is the same discussion here too, and most of the time it also refers to the good old days when the children where well brought up, as if it would be the only criteria for being a good person. There must be a balance but to me, these are the most important things. I am so glad you liked this and appreciate your wonderful comment!

Tina


AliciaC profile image

AliciaC 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

This is a great article, Tina, with very useful ideas. I especially like your statement that "an adult beating a child is a betrayal". Thank you for sharing your thoughts.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 4 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Alicia and thanks for the positive comment! Parenting isn't easy and we all do what we think is right but I would never beat a child, no matter what they have done and I have difficulty to see the benefits of it. It is a betrayal and it breaks my heart to know there are so many children that have to endure to be beaten by adults. I am glad you feel the same!

Take care

Tina


Theophanes profile image

Theophanes 4 years ago from New England

I am happy to see there are parents out there who actually get it! I am not a parent and actually don't want children, which is why when I complain about the atrociously bad parenting I see I get the remark, "You don't understand, you don't have kids!" YES! Because I chose not to! Most of these horrible parents are just that because they never wanted the kids in the first place. Either they got knocked up or got someone else knocked up. Oops. Now what? Lets make the poor kid suffer for our mistakes, that'll make everything better! This frustrates me beyond measure. I feel bad for the kids as well. They deserve to be treated as little human beings - complete with intellect and emotion - not an annoyance and burden, swatted away like a common house fly. I completely agree that if you have to resort to spanking you have already failed repeatedly as a parent by not maintaining control of the situation years before the spanking took place. Bad behavior in a young child gets worse when you as a parent are not doing your job. Its as simple as that. I wrote a somewhat similar article Plea to Parents with Daughters. It was a bit for a rant after I witnessed a little too much. The only thing that gives me any hope at all for humanity is that there are some parents who actually know how to treat a child, like the living breathing gifts that they are. Thank you for this article! Voted up!


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 4 years ago from Sweden Author

Hi Theophanes! I think the most important thing to remember is that if we show others respect we will get respect back and our kids are no different from other people around us. Children will grow up and it is up to us how they behave and how they interpret their environment when they do. It hurts me too, when I see or hear about children who is unwanted or not are loved for who they are. Being a parent is a gift even though it is a difficult task sometimes. I love your phrase about children being the living breathing gifts. They really are! Thank you for the comment and for your thoughts on this subject!

Tina


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 4 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

You hit the nail on the head about what parents do to assure bad outcomes for children. I'd like to add another point to your list: Make sure that you reward your child one day for a specific behavior, and then the next day punish them for the same behavior. This is called, politely, crazy-making. Not so politely, it's called mind-f**king. It's designed to keep the child forever in your control and consequently to retard his growth.

Up, useful, interesting, and if important were an option, I'd vote for that, too.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 4 years ago from Sweden Author

Sally, Oh, you are so right! That is one of the worst thing one can do to a child, or any human for that matter. It is really sad and will be so damaging. Thank you so much Sally´s Trove for adding to this hub, even though I would prefer that it wasn't possible. I appreciate your comment and your votes very much.

Take care and I wish you a wonderful day!

Tina


DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

It all relies on good parenting and sometimes parents fail to see the need in their children and neglect to talk to them. Communication is a key to relationships why not put into use for parenting as well?

Great hub by the way and well approached.


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 2 years ago from Sweden Author

Thanks DEE, and you are so right about the importance of communication. I am glad you liked the hub and I appreciate your comment,

Tina

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