Should an Adopted Child Contact Their Birth Mother or Father?

Have Realistic Expectations

The question asked was, "What advice can you give to someone who is adopted and would like to find his or her biological mother or father? (including legal procedures)

As an adopted child I can only speak from my own experience. Unfortuately, I can't offer legal advise since I'm not an expert in that area.

First before you consider searching for your birth mother, birth father or biological family, it's very important to have realistic expectations. What are realistic expectations?

Your biological mother, father or family may or may not want to meet you and get to know you. Don't set yourself up for disappointment, if things turn out different than you hope.

If your birth mother or father are open to meeting you that's great. Keep in mind that your relationship with them could become very special but they will never be "your parents". That title and honor only goes to the people who raised you. No matter what type of realtionship you have with your adopted parents, they will always be your real Mom and Dad.

If your birth mother or father don't wish to meet you and have a relationship with you, let it go and move on with your life. (It's their loss!) Don't take it as a personal rejection as you have no idea what is going on in their life. What challenges they live with, how their family is or other personal issues. All you can do is respect their wishes and live every day of your life with out regrets.

The Adopted Child

Years ago a new born baby was adopted and brought joy into someone's life.
Years ago a newborn baby was adopted and brought joy into someone's life.

Should You Contact Your Biological Parent?

"Should I contact my birth mother or father?" is probably the question you are asking yourself. A simple question that only you can answer.

If you want to contact one or both of them and you have realistic expectations; go ahead and do it. It may change your life and again, it may not but you have satisfied your need to know.

Are You Adopted?

If you are adopted do you know one or both of your biological parents?

See results without voting

My Adoption Story

I was adopted when I was over a year old by a wonderful, older couple who knew my birth mother through friends. I was very lucky to have great parents who loved me and taught me about all the important things.

My parents kept in touch with my biological mother and introduced us when I was 16 years old. We have delveoped a wonderful relationship over the years and she has always been a part of my children's lives. After my parents both passed away I believe she had some unrealistic expectations that strained our relationship. I'm working on it and things have gotten better, because she is important to me.

When my second child was a baby my biological half sisters from my father contacted me. I enjoyed a good relationship with my father and his family until he passed away. Unfortunately, I haven't seen or communicated with my two half sisters since his funeral. No problems that I'm aware of, we just lost touch so I hope we can connect again one day.

My adopted parents were very supportive and welcomed my biological family in to my life. I have no idea why I'm telling you all this, but maybe it is in hope that it will some how make a difference....

Comments 150 comments

worddsplaytoday profile image

worddsplaytoday 8 years ago from NC

Thank You for sharing! There are alot of reasons for adoption I glad you were happy with your adoptive family!


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 8 years ago Author

Thank you and you're most welcome! I hope this hub helps someone else who was adopted.


Motherhood Trials 7 years ago

Very good advice about who your "real parents" are. It is so sad to see the way adoption has been treated in the U.S. by our own court systems and those whose salaries are paid by us. It is my own personal belief that any judge ruleing over such a case should be required to be from a home to which he/she was adopted into and loved OR have a child at home who has become a part of his/her own family through adoption. Many families would rather travel to a third world country than risk some U.S. court reuniting their baby girl or boy with a birth mom who changed her mind in a few months or even years. It is hard enough raising a child knowing you have atleast (in most cases) 18 yrs to teach them all they need to know . I could never imagine a fear of the possibility,a total stranger in my childs life could take over at any time to replace me. Adoptive parents are the absolute toughest and most remarkable people I have ever met !! They have EARNED their title as real parents which none of the rest of us have had to do. I am proud to say that my parents earned their title as yours did and I could not respect anyone more than a devoted adoptive parent. Thanks for your page, I enjoyed reading your story.


mary 7 years ago

I think my adopted mother is lyingto me about my birth mother she gave me a name but i dont believe it;. she is very hurt my adopted mother this is causing problems between us. what do I do., she says she told me everything she knows. The birth mother uses my mothers name on the birth certificate. said this is what the woman wanted to do.


Lisa HW profile image

Lisa HW 7 years ago from Massachusetts

Watkins Lady, it's nice to see an adopted person's reasonable, rational, thoughts on adoption issues. I'm an adoptive mother, and these days it seems as if there are a lot of "non-cool-headed" opinions about adoption (from all angles).

Mary, as I mentioned above, I'm an adoptive mother of one of my kids (now grown). When my husband and I adopted our son the court/city clerk's office automatically changed the name of my son's parents to my name and my husband's name. It's a standard practice. Neither I nor the birth mother had any say in the matter. I don't know what's going on between you and your mother (obviously), but I do know that, as an adoptive mother, I was more than understanding of my son's possible wish to meet his birth mother. I did, though, hope he would be of an age when he was ready to deal with some things I knew he'd discover if he met her (and her family). Your mother (your adoptive mother) may not be hurt. She may be concerned that you're not quite mature enough to handle meeting your birth mother. There could be things that went on that your mother may not quite want you to have to discover right now. If your mother gave you a name of the person she says is your biological mother the chances are good she's telling you the truth. There's no guarantee that someone is not lying; but, in general, mothers wouldn't lie to their child about something like that. (Adoptive mothers may withhold information out of concern about whether the child is ready to deal with it emotionally, but most wouldn't lie.) When a person adopts a child from infancy how much s/he knows about the birth mother can often be quite limited, depending on the situation.


Cheryl 7 years ago

Our son found his Birth Mother about five years ago. We were always so close to him but after he found his BM she everything to him. We are hurt over this but I always told our son when he was older if he wanted to find his BM we would help him. He was five weeks old when we adopted him he was and still is the light of our life's. Sadly, if I had it to do all over again I would have never talk with him about finding his BM. But, I felt I was doing the right thing for him. I only wish the BM and our son would include us in their life's.

I now watch when the adopted child and the Birth family find each other the adopted parents almost always are left out and never given any support. I would love to find a support group for us adopted mothers. I love both my children I never felt like they were adopted they were just my two wonderful God sent children.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 7 years ago Author

I'm sorry to hear you feel your son's relationship with his birth Mother has strained your own relationship. It's normal for a parent to feel a twinge of jealousy when your child is in a close relationship with someone new, even a girlfriend. But you must push that feeling aside. You didn't love the first child less, once you got the second one did you? Well I bet your son loves you as much as he always did.

I noticed you don't mention how, "you do everything you can to include your son and his BM in your life." Try to look at the situation from your son's perspective and the mother's too. How would you feel if you were them? Be the hero, put your own feelings aside and welcome your son and his BM into your home and your life. Have you gotten to know her? Did you thank her for the wonderful gift she gave you?

With the up coming holidays, it the perfect time to invite them to join you to celebrate and enjoy a family meal together!

Keep in mind, when our children grow up they get busy with their own lives and have less time for their parents adopted or not, so this could be a contributing factor too. His relationship with his BM may still in the honey moon phase, (new & exciting) so his interest in her may even out with time. Tell him how much you love him, how proud you are of him and how much you appreciate him. Make sure he knows you will always be there for him and I'm sure he will come back to you.


Dempsees 7 years ago

My husband has recently found his daughter that was put up for adoption 16 years ago. She is 16 and they have been building a relationship through email and facebook. She has told her adoptive mother that she has been contacted but not the extent of the contact. She is concerned with hurting her mom's feelings, which we understand. Our concern is that we want to make sure that we are not doing anything wrong in establishing this relationship while she is just 16. The only thing we have done other than the email contact is to purchase a phone which will be delivered to a store near where she lives (she lives half a country away). She was without a phone and wanted a way to talk to her "daddy" - that is what she is calling him. Have we done anything wrong?


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 7 years ago Author

Since the child is still a minor, I think the right thing to do it to contact her adoptive parents. They know her and whether or not she is mature enough to handle the relationship. In the long run, things will go more smoothly if your husband makes friends with the parents.

Keeping secrets is not good for any relationship and I think you sense this already. Respecting her parents wishes and standing behind their decisions regarding what is best for her is generally the best policy.

At 16 we think we know it all, but we don't! It's a challenging age, and some kids go off the rails at this age. A lot of mental growth and maturity happens in the next few years. Your husband has the opportunity to be a positive influence in her life, the first step being, to engage in open and honest communications with her parents.

I wish all involved lots of luck and love.


alexie 7 years ago

when you say what do i do i think that you should beleive your adoptive mother she is more than likely telling every thing she knows

i hope this helps


DJ's mom 7 years ago

Cheryl, I know how you feel. We adopted our son 11 years ago when he was 7. We adopted from the foster care system. He has always known his birth family and had visits several times per year. He has 3 older sibs, two who were adopted by their maternal grandmother and one who was not adopted so he grew up in foster care. We were told that it was important for our son to maintain his relationship with his birth family. We believed that this was best for him. I think that I still agree with that, except I'm concerned about the influence they have on my son.

Everyone in his birth family has dropped out of high school. He's on target to graduate in the spring. He will be the first person in his birth family to do so. His birth mom, maternal aunt, maternal grandfather, and a few others have substance abuse issues. That is the reason he came into foster care. His birth family also has participated in illegal activity and several have spent time in jail. They discuss their drug use with my son. They have a very different way of life and very different morals than we do. When he was younger, we supervised all visits and were able to prevent this king of talk.

Now that he is older and has a cell phone, he is in contact with his birth family a lot more than before. They call and text each other all the time.

Of course his relationship with his birth mom concerns me. I think he has idealized how things were when he used to live with her, but he was only 5 years old.

I feel like my husband and I have a good relationship with our son. He has always been able to talk about his birth family without any judgement on our part. But, sometimes I wonder if he now has an unrealistic view of them. He doesn't seem to understand that his birth mom made some very bad choices and continues to make bad choices. I don't know how to get him to understand that without him thinking that I'm critizing her. Her choices are her choices; I just don't want my son to make some of those bad choices. I believe that he will just get hurt in the long run. I beleive that she will let him down as she has done in the past.

Any suggestions?

Also, does anyone know of a support group for adoptive parents who are concerned about the affect their child's birth family is having on them?


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 7 years ago Author

DJ's Mom that is tough one, but hopefully you and your husband's influence and good values will stick with your son. You've done all the right things, and given him the tools to be a healthy, contributing member of society.

I understand you don't want your son to be hurt, at this age we can't protect them from real life. Unfortunately, he may need to experience some hurt and disappointment from his birth family. It's part of life but you can be there for him when reality bites.

Keep the lines of communication open with DJ, and make sure you tell him how proud you are of him! Keep him focused on his future and goals. What are his plans after graduation?

The good news is he's on the home stretch, you got him this far, within a few years he'll be wiser, more mature and fully competent in making good decisions for himself.


Jessica 7 years ago

My 15 year old adopted daughter recently found her birth mother on facebook. When she told me this, i thought this was a joke but then her "birth mother" had my daughter's real last name on her profile.Her birth mother told my daughter that she would pass by town and that she wanted to meet and have lunch. I talked to her birth mother on the phone found out the it was really her birth mother. I am very worried about how the lunch will go and how the realtionship withh end up! Any advice?


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 7 years ago Author

If it was me, I would want to attend this lunch meeting with my daughter since you don't "know" the birth Mother or what her personal agenda is, and your daughter is only 15.

If you are comfortable with the idea, why not invite the birth mother to your home so everyone will have a chance to get to know each other?

No matter where they decide to meet I think your daughter will need you to be there and all the love and support you can give her. Even though they may communicate on FaceBook the meeting could have uncomfortable moments and be emotionally trying for her.

There will be plenty of time in the future for your daughter and her BM to spent alone or one on one time, when she is older and more mature.

If you are welcoming, friendly and on good terms with the birth mother it can only benefit your daughter.

I hope the BM is open to your suggestions or requests and that the meeting goes smoothly for all involved.


SmilerBrown 6 years ago

Hi

My birth daughter recently contacted me and we have been chatting online and by text. Her adoptive parents are not happy and have asked her not to contact me. However we are still in contact and chat regularly, I am always encourgaing her to talk to her parents but she is adamant that she does not want to. She is only 15, Im worried I am breaking the law, am I? What is the legal age that she contact me?

Please advise...

Thanks


Found Them 6 years ago

I was adopted. Found both Biological Mother and Father. Was good at first, then things started to change. Did not have a good relationship with adoptive parents. Found out I had brothers and sisters. Very difficult watching them talk about their childhoods and growing up together. I am in my 40's and would not recommend this for anyone adopted. Especially if you came from a good happy home in the first place. It will ruin your life!


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

SmilerBrown I can't speak to legality as I'm not a lawyer but ethically I think the right thing to do is respect the adopted parents wishes. They know the child best and her level of maturity.

You are suppose to be the mature adult in this situation. Put yourself in the parents place and ask yourself how you would feel if your 15 year old was talking to a stranger?

You might consider contacting the parents if you are going to continue communicating with your daughter. This will give them a chance to get to know you and you can ask about their concerns. When they know you are interested in their concerns and want to what is best for her, they may change their mind and allow or even encourage communications between you. Other wise it would be best to limit communications for a few more years until your child is older and more mature.

Being open and honest is the best thing you can can do, for your daughter.


SmilerBrown 6 years ago

Hi

Thanks for your reply.

I know what you say makes sense, but I am so very happy that my daughter contacted me.

I have asked her numerous times to give my contact information to her parents as I would like them to contact me and then realise that I am not tryingg to take their daughter away. I am forever grateful for the role they have played in my daughters life, they gave her the love, care and guidance that I was not able to.

I would like them to see the grown mature adult I have become.

I know I would find it hard to stop communicating with my daughter, she has asked to meet me and I have refused this until her paraents know and are happy with the situation.

It is so hard.


pinkcheetah 6 years ago

Hello,

I was removed from my mother's care and adopted against my will at the age of 10. My mother had her parental rights terminated due to a technicality that the state jumped on. She had been in treatment for an alcohol problem 5 years prior. That's all it took for me to be separated from my mother who I loved more than anyone else. My new adoptive parents refused to allow me any contact whatsoever with my mother. At the age of 16 I was able to find her and establish a close relationship with her again. With her help, I was able to emancipate myself and I moved back in with her. I never considered my adoptive parents my real parents at all. They were not. They adopted me for the money and benefits I brought to them. It takes more than raising a child to be a parent. I never want to see my "adoptive" parents again. Ever. I am 17 now and have contacted an attorney to file a lawsuit against the state that did this to me. They ruined my childhood. I grieved for my mother for 6 years and neither the state nor my "adoptive" parents cared because everyone was getting money through me. Everyone was happy but me, and my mother of course. Sadly mine is not an isolated case. Adoptions of this nature take place EVERY DAY here in the U.S. More and more children are forcibly adopted and taken from loving homes to be placed with strangers. People need to wake up and realize that the state wants to take your child and adopt them to strangers for money. Yes they do.


eman 6 years ago

i have a lot of words to say but the problem that i cant write english , go on in ur life no matter how many problems you have . i'm saudi student and i'm gonna write essay about you

pray for me > ^_^


marydr 6 years ago

I am a mother that placed a child for adoption and for me after my daughter was able to contact us a year or so later she wanted nothing to do with our family and believe me it is as heartbreaking as the day I placed her for adoption


Cheryl 6 years ago

Dear Watkins Lady,

My son is 33 years old he found his BM five years ago.

I always told my son and daughter how wonderful their BM's were for giving them life and how thankful we were for them.I did tell my sons BM thank you. I did try to welcome her but she doesn't want his adopted parents in his or her life. They meet and do things together that never inclue us. Our son had a very loving home and a family that adored him. We gave him a wonderful education (he even has a master degree) he has a great job and people really like him. His BM's three other children don't really have much education or good jobs.

Our son was very easy to raise and was a very loving child.

He knows we are always here for him. We never say good-bye without say "I love You"!

I found out today he had his BM and her husband over to visit his wife and boys. They see each other all the time she even writes on Facebook about her son and has pictures of him and his boys. We aren't inclued in this part of his life.

Beleive me I have done everything to get close to this woman. I sent her Christmas gifts bought her pictures of MY son growing up...she didn't seem to really care. She acts as if she is his mother now. Did she thank us for rasing such a fine young man? NO! Our son has done very well has a lovely large home her children don't.

Do I sound upset? Well, yes I am as Idon't think my husband and I deserve this.

We have friends that have adopted children the same ages as our children. Their children have never shown any interest in finding their BM. I now tell them be thankful for that and if I had it to do all over again I would have never talked with my children about locating the BM.

My daughter's BM doesn't want to meet her however, I do email and talk with the BM. I feel for our daughter as I know this had to hurt her. Her BM does email her and does sent BD and Christmas gifts to her at our address.

I would suggest to anyone who has a child with a closed adoption to keep it that way. Unless your child really pushes to contact the BM. Don't do like I did and tell your child if they ever want to find their BM you would help them find them.


me 6 years ago

Cheryl, please read the book called "The Primal Wound", this may better help you to understand, also the real culprits as sad as it is to say is The adoption industry, they fail to tell folks who adopt about the bond between mother and child that never breaks, it is a very strong bond , please do not feel bad it's not your fault , sorry the Bm isn't more open. Please read The Primal wound I think it will help ease your worries and bring a greater understanding to all of this .


Creaminizer23 profile image

Creaminizer23 6 years ago from New York, Usa

You have enlighten parents on how to deal with the adopted children. I am glad to inform you that your hub is included in my list of the most child friendly hubs across the hubpages.


cheryl 6 years ago

I don't agree with The Primal. I also don't agree that all adopted children and the Birth Mother have a bond that never brakes between them.

There are some BM's out their that really don't want or feel they have a bond with the child. I also know many adoptee's that don't want any thing to do with the BM.

There are children that aren't adopted that feel abanded from their mothers. We are seeing that with so many children in day care.

None of us had a choice who are parents are.... parents were given to us by a much higher bing.

Thanks me says..by the way are you adoptee?


ninapoet profile image

ninapoet 6 years ago from Pittsburgh

Cheryl:

As a person that was adopted at just five days old, I can tell you that you were right to be opened to your son finding his biological mother. I think every situation is different. I understand your frustration regarding the BM, but this is not always the case. My BM was very happy that I found her but she also gave credit to my mother for raising me. There is no easy answer that I have for you. I would just encourage you to discuss this with your son and possibly the BM if you have not done so. You are allowed to feel what you are feeling. I wish you happiness.

And thank you for sharing your story.


Cheryl 6 years ago

My husband and I aren't inclued in our son's life with his BM. I know they both know what they are doing. We have told him we are happy he found her. She didn't want to give him up and now has him all to herself. She has three other chldren of her own. But we have to not only blame her. Sadly, our son has changed so much we can't believe this is the same child we raised. It brakes our hearts he was the light of our eyes. We shouldn't have to have feel the way we do as after all the years of love for our son he shows no respect for the mom and dad that raised him, gave our all for him.

He was always a happy and loving child and adult. A person couldn't have asked for a better father then the father that raised him. I watch my husband suffer with sadness. Do you adopted persons understand what you do to the people that have loved you so much that they would die for you.

How do you adopted parents deal with you having a relationship with your BM.

My daughters BM is very different we do have a good relationship.

If I knew what I Know now I would have never told him he was adopted. That's pretty sad.

I hope you let your parents know how much you love them and remember they are the people that loved you and cared for you for many years.

We adopted parents deserved more then we get after the BM come into your lifes. What are we parents supposed to do forget you really are our children?


Ted 6 years ago

I looked up my biological parents at the age of 18.I was very happy to see that they got married and had to lovely daughters but my situation was a little different then everybody else's.See when i was born as soon i was born I went directly to my adopted parents they were much older then my birth parents My adopted parents just lost the boy they adopted he was hit by a car in front of my house so my parents being heartbrokened decide they wanted another boy actually the lady who placed adopted children told my mother about me.but then my biological parents decided they wanted me back I must have been a real cute bundle of love ha the trial lasted 3 years my old man lost everything trying to keep me they even had to park a car at the neighbors in case some one from my biological side was going to kidnap me.I wasn't told about this whole fiasco till i was 16.So my adopted parents won me back the trial lasted 3 years so i was 3 when it was over it took that long because people got sick etc... But anyways i decided when i was 18 i would look them up. My adopted parents had my dad's last name found out they live up in a mountain town two hours away so I called and my biological mom answered she was overjoyed and I couldn't beleive they got married and had two daughters.So i invited them over and we sat down with my both group of parents and had lasanga by the way no one is italian.So anyways my adopted mother cried it bought up a lot of raw emotion for her.so i tried to build a relationship with them i could relate to my biological dad he liked the same things i did horseracing football eating.But my biological mom was a totally differrent story she told me i had two sisters which made me feel disapointed to no that i was a love child.Well I would call them every six months me and my biological dad would do things like go to football games and to the track we were cool but my mom had trouble excepting a relationship I've hung out with maybe two times in the past twelve years she always to busy to be with me which sux cause my biological dad lies to me my biological mom won't let me meet my sisters which is a bummer she keeps them guarded from me for some reason.If anything came out positive is thatI got my medical history found out diabetes and heart problems are preveliant in my genes.And my heritage,So I'm thirty years old now and I want to give out a warning think twice think three times actually cause you might be disapointed in what you discover or how your accepted by your biological family.


Aurea Gonzalez 6 years ago

I'm about to hit 18, and I was adopted when I was 11. I was put into foster care at 2, because my mom was on drugs and alcohol, and i was put in my current home at 4. My birth mom was in and out my life, but she happens to be my best friend. She's given up on drugs and alcohol over 3 years back, and she tries so hard to be consistenly in my life. I appreciate her and she's wonderful. My adoptive parents are older, traditional parents are very strict but were kind enough to allow my birth mom in my life. However, I feel that my adoptive mother feels as if I prefer my birth mom over her, or that I love her more because she knows more of my personal life than my adoptive parents do. However, the relationship I have with each mom is completely different. I've learned discipline and respect, right and wrong, with my adoptive parents, but with my birth mom I've learned much more personal things and I'm comfortable talking about the sensual and other sides of myself with her. I have love for both, but they're different. There isn't one I love more, and I will continue to say I've been fortuante to have two moms, and one dad.


angela_michelle profile image

angela_michelle 6 years ago from United States

Wow, thank you so much. I just adopted a five year old girl, and it's been fascinating to me to read others story. I wonder if she will want to see her biological mom when she's older. She keeps in contact with most her father's biological family, but he passed away, hence her being placed up for adoption. We love her, and I can tell she loves us too. The adoption has been surprisingly seamless. It's been amazing!


heartbroken 6 years ago

I gave my daughter up for adoption at birth, 12 years ago. She meet her real brother on Facebook and the talked for weeks the adopted mom found out. And called me angry and attacking me .I had no idea the were talking. My daughter knows now that I'm her mom and the boy she was talken to was her brother . The adopted mom won't let her have any contact with us . She took us off Facebook and blocked our phone numbers .I don't understand she knows I'm her birthmom and that she's adopted so what's the promblem. At least I care enough to try to have a realionship with her. Why is the adopted mom acting so scared and selfish ,I gave her a gift and this is how I'm treated. It's not fair. I love her too!!!!!


lisa smith 6 years ago

To me i think no, but at the same time yes because then they won't know their own parents and then when they grow up their gonna be sad and will be mad at his or her real parents.


ashley 6 years ago

i am a mother and i haven't did anything to hurt my little girl that she is adopted.


angela_michelle profile image

angela_michelle 6 years ago from United States

I see that I read this awhile back and commented, but now I look for other reasons. I think the first time I clicked on this article, was because I just wrote out my own adoption story, but now I have different reasons. I went to find an encouraging youtube video from a child who is adopted, and discovered there isn't one out there, that I could find. Instead I found many bitter angry adults who were upset that they were adopted. Some even would say that they are anti-adoption/pro abortion. Some of what I have read and seen has been really upsetting, especially since I know all of my children will come to me through adoption.

How do you feel about your adoptive parents? With my daughter, we have a very loving relationship. She has many opportunities, and she is very stable secure child. But many of these adults claimed they were too? Is it typical for adult adopted children to be bitter towards life? It felt that way, and my heart just broke. My husband thinks my fears are ridiculous, but after all this fun and rewarding childhood, are we going to raise unhappy adults, because of a fact that we cannot change?


Cyndi S 6 years ago

I had a baby boy when I was 16 years old. He was in my life until he was 6 mos old when my parents made the decision to give him up for adoption. I had no choice in the matter and actually didn't even get to say goodbye to him. It has effected my life in many ways...ways that I can't even explain. I didn't choose to have another child until I was 32 years old...he's a healthy, happy 12 year old!! April 10th, 2010 my son that was given up for adoption made contact with me...needless to say, I was beyond thrilled and very open to seeing him and being in his life. He came to visit/stay with me for 3 nights and 4 days with his fiancé and baby girl and we had a WONDERFUL visit; talked about the adoption, what & how it happened, my life, his life/childhood, etc. We hugged, kissed and told each other we loved one another...as I've loved & missed him every day of his life...celebrated every birthday and holiday with him in my heart!! My problem now is that I so desperately want to be a part of his life and be his mother...I know he has "parents" that raised him and that love him but he's my child and I love him with all of my heart & I want him to know that...I want us to have a special bond and relationship but I don't want to be overbearing or too aggressive but its very hard not to call or email him every day. We've already planned a trip to visit him (we live in FL, they live in TX) in 3 weeks & we've planned a "family reunion" and we're also talking about another possible visit in June or July...plus he's getting married in August and wants me & the rest of his entire family (his blood relatives) at the wedding. I just need some advice on "my role" as his mother. I'm so afraid of getting my feelings hurt at his wedding with his adoptive parents/family so I desperately need some advice on how to act, treat him; what should I expect from him, what kind of relationship should I seek with him ... so many questions as his mother ... someone who NEVER wanted to give him up for adoption and someone who has loved him every day ... please help me if you can!! Thank you!!


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Cindi S, how wonderful and fortunate for you that you've finally been able to connect with your son. I think it goes back to having realistic expectations, expect small steps, become friends first and you'll be less likely to be disappointed.

Don't let your emotions and desperation cloud your decisions. We can't change the past so let it go, and focus on enjoying every precious moment you spend with him. It sounds to me like he has welcomed you into his life. He knows your story and history so now you can both focus on your future relationship.

My advise to you is to treat your son like a new friend, this is the same advise I give to all parents of adult children, no matter what their birth circumstances are.

You have a new friend, a relationship that can develop into something very close and loving over time. Sounds like you might have a whole lot of new friends when you include this adopted family!

From reading your comment, it seems like you've given it some serious thought. I'm sure you know what the right things to do are already. Let him lead this dance and enjoy this new chapter in your life.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

angela_michelle thanks for visiting and commenting again!

No, I do not believe it is typical for adult adopted children to be bitter towards life.

I do know bitter, unhappy people are more vocal and seem to enjoy nothing better than spreading their anger to anyone they can. As the old saying goes, "Misery loves company..."

I loved my adopted parents with all my heart, as did my children and we miss them very much. We are forever grateful that we had these extraordinarily, special people in our lives.

Your husband is right, don't worry about it! You are doing a great job as parents so enjoy your children.


Cyndi S 6 years ago

Thank you so much for responding!! I truly appreciate your advise...I really needed it!! I've been crying all morning b/c I guess I overwhelmed him by telling him that I love him during his visit...so your advice will be very helpful. I'll take baby steps and not let MY emotions and feelings for him effect our growing relationship. He doesn't know me but wants to know me ... of course to me, I've been his mother for 28 years & I've loved him every single day of his life!!! I didn't get the pleasure to raise my son but I certainly want to have a deep connection and bond to him and like you said, I'll let him lead this dance and enjoy this new chapter in our lives. I can't thank you enough; this truly helped me today!!!!!


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Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

You are most welcome Cyndi S and I appreciate you coming back to tell us my advise helped you!

I wish you lots of luck and happiness!


Jonna Recchio 6 years ago

I would love some advice in this matter. I legally adopted my 13 year old 2 years ago, but have been in her life since she was 3 1/2 (she is my husbands biological child). Her birthmother disappeared when she was 4. My daughter found her birth mother on facebook and has been in contact with her. I am not okay with this because this woman truly abandoned her and has been involved in some pretty bad stuff. I fear she will be a bad influence on my already impresionlable daughter. I told my daughter she could contact her when she is 18 and if she really felt the need to talk to her birthmother, it would need to be supervised. I don't want to hurt my daughter, but I don't want tohis woman to hurt her either. Any advice?


Jan 6 years ago

Hi, we adopted 3 beautiful children and then I got pregnant. In the last month our daughter moved out of our house with our grandchild and then a couple weeks later found her birthparent's. She added the extended family on facebook before I got to tell her brother's. She has met them both. I understand the curiosity but I am having trouble understanding the relationship with the birthfather. She was never overly affectionate with us and made fun of me for it. My husband is not either but has provided so much for the kids and has been a wonderful father. I even talked to the birthmom and she was very respectful as she was adopted herself.She asked me if she could textour daughter which I appreciated. I even tried meeting with the birthfather's wife as she asked me and then realized our daughter had been lying to me about meeting her other siblings and such. The birthfather has been having our daughter for dinner with our grandson now weekly. Told her on Easter he wished she was there. I have been writing him and he said he just meant he wished she was in church with his family. We have always helped our daughter out and for the first time I guess I am holding back as I feel now that is all we are good for. Sorry to ramble I just am wondering are my feeling's normal? I feel upset and hurt and decided for now maybe to let her go and figure this out. When she tells me what she and he are doing I feel worse. My husband and boys don't even want to talk about it and our two older boys don't understand. Thanks for listening.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Dear Jan, your feelings are perfectly normal and natural.

I would guess your daughter is lying to you about her contact with her birth father & family to protect your feelings. She can probably sense how upset you truly are, even if you try to hide it from her. This shows how much she loves and cares about you.

Birth Fathers usually don't have any input into the adoption but that doesn't mean they don't care about a child they helped create. I sounds like this man has welcomed your daughter into his family and that is a wonderful thing for her.

When we make new friends, our children get married and add more people to our family, we don't love the old ones less! When you adopted a new child you didn't love the first one less did you? The first child might have been jealous of the new addition, while they are entitled to their feelings you would have reassured them that they were still important and loved by you. The shoe is on the other foot now, therefore you are entitled to your feeling but you are not entitled to make her feel bad about her relationship with her birth family. You should be over joyed that she has more people in her life who care about her.

I don't know how my adopted parents managed to keep their feelings in check, they must have been green with jealousy sometimes, but they never showed it. At first, I may have been so wrapped up in my own excitement that I never noticed how they were feeling. The mature way they acted, not letting their emotions rule and not letting their feelings get in the way our relationship was a very sensible approach. The loving family bond they maintained lives on in me and my children.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Jonna it's natural for your daughter to want a connection with her birth mother and at this point in her life, 18 seems like forever. If you forbid the contact it will create a rift between you and your daughter, something you don't want to happen at this age.

Make friends with the mother, it may be a tall order, but it's quite possible she wants to do what's best for her daughter too. If that's the case you can join forces with her so your daughter can enjoy healthy relationships with both of you.

You and your husband will have to put your personal feelings aside for the birth mother X-wife, go into the friendship with an open mind, don't focus on her past mistakes, focus on the present and your common bond, the child.

Developing a relationship with the mother is the best strategy as will keep you informed of what's going on between them and enable you to supervise their personal contact.


Jan 6 years ago

Hi Watkins Lady,

Thanks for your input. No, at the point she lied I already knew she had found them. I even talked to the birthmom on the phone and we actually got along very well. The thing I am hurting over is her lack of affection she has shown us always and now is telling the birthfather how she loves him. And reminding me that she is still part of the family and we should give her *material things* like her brother. Is this normal?

The birthfather's wife also made it clear our daughter is NOT getting any money if that is what she wants and if she gets together with the birthfather it has to be with her and her children because she has a say in this. I am just trying to talk to other's who have gone through this to see if the hurt feeling's are normal. Thanks again.


Jan 6 years ago

Meant to say like her brother's.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Jan, I'm sorry you are hurting over what you perceive as a lack of affection from your daughter. But it is your own perception and you have to love and accept your daughter as she is.

You and your daughter have had two life changing events, she moved out on her own with her child and she found her birth family. Dealing with one is hard, having to deal with two is an emotional double whammy!

Moving out on your own is a big step for your daughter and an adjustment for you too. Have you considered that she may be concerned about her ability to take of herself and a child all on her own? She doesn't have her parents to depend on to take care of the financial and time requirements of running a house and being a parent, thus her worry over material things. She maybe feeling a bit left out of your family since she moved out as well.

From a parent's perspective I know how hard it is to have your child move out on their own. It creates mixed emotions, to say the least! But it's part of the growing process so we have to let them spread their wings and try to fly.

Family's need to maintain a soft, safe place for their children to land, for a moment or longer as needed. Maybe your daughter just needs to be reassured that she still has your support, emotionally and/or financially if she needs it.

As my children moved out on their own I still treated them exactly the same as the ones who lived at home in regards to gifts and treats, ie: material things for special ocassions or just because. When they added a boy friend, girl friend or spouse, they also received something too. This seemed like the right thing to do.

So if you are in the habit of buying your children material things, things they want but don't need and you still do this for your sons but stopped doing it for her, how do you think she is going to feel? I'm the least materialistic person you'd meet and I'd be upset about it!

I hope this has given you something to think about. I'm sorry if I'm being a bit harsh, I can see it from your angle as well as hers.


Jan 6 years ago

Watkins lady those weren't the only two things we have dealt with. She also told me last week on fb she is now bi sexual so this has been tough to say the least.


Jan 6 years ago

About the material things, she is the one that actually got the better car growing up etc. So I know it's not because we made a diffence in our gifts. I am sorry I should probably leave her. Thank you for your help though.


Jan 6 years ago

*here*


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

You are very welcome Jan, I hope everything works out well for you and your daughter.


me me  6 years ago

at 15 i became pregnant, my mother sent me to an unwed mothers home, this was all so painful i never ever got over it, when i finally met my son, he told my daughter he did not like me, he played alot of head games with her, then refused to take her calls, i hate to say this but i wish i never had, or ever seen him again, it was all a terrible experience.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Me me I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience. It's time to let the past go, focus on the future and all the good things in your life.


tommyc6364 profile image

tommyc6364 6 years ago from Ireland

I had many things that scared me when I first decided to search for my natural parents.I was afraid of what I would find. Had my mother been raped,was I the product of incest? That's just 2 of the fears I had. I will write a hub about this in the near future.


roxanne martin 6 years ago

my 15 year old daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last december, when the man who she says was th dad he denied it fearing criminal charges would be filed being he was an adult. okay she choose to leave her baby for him, when she brought her home from the hospital my home that is she told me that she was considiring adoption cause her boyfreind wouldn't let the baby stay with him in la . i told my daughter that i would tak care of the baby until she could. she then gave me the baby and went back to la, 6 months later she calls me and tells me that she is coming for my grandaughter and has deceidd to go through with the adoption. not even considering she would even go through with this i felt no need to get coustdy through the courts, she came and took her from my home wich has been the wrost thang i have ever had to deal with besides her runaway to be with this loser. she trys to insure me that the adoption is what they call open adoption and has legal rights as far as being a part of the babys life, ok well where do we stand as maternal grandparents aunts and uncles not to metion numoures cousins that have come to love this baby unconditionally?


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

I'm looking forward to reading your hub Tommy. I think it's a common worry, but not one you should dwell on too much. How you were conceived is ancient history, focus on today and the future.


Pat 6 years ago

I adopted my 3 girls 10 years ago. They were removed from the home because of domestic violence and being in the foster care system for more than two years. My youngest daughter who is 14 has met her BM. I have allowed her a two week visit with her BM. Was this wrong of me? But now my daughter wants to live with her BM. How do I tell her no without alienating her?


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Pat I admire you for letting your daughter visit with her BM. Can you join forces with her birth Mother? If you and the birth Mother are both on the same page, (she supports you) it will be easier to explain to your daughter why it's in her best interests to remain living with you.

You can soften the message by working out a plan for future visits with her BM. Good luck!


Linda Archibald 6 years ago

All 4 of my Sons were Adopted. their Birth (last Names)were changed through the court System and they were split up into different homes Is there a way that i can find them through Their Girst Name and Their Date Of Birth????

Respectfully Submitted

Ms. Linda Archibald

karchibald@optonline.net


eamon 6 years ago

I was adopted when I was three weeks old. 57 years later I found my birth mother, thanks to internet(three years searching)My BM was then 83 and I was 57. I went to see her with my daughter(26 then) and we spent a week together in Ireland where my BM lives. Then, some months later, my BM came to our house for a week ´We live in Spain.After that we kept in contact by phone.Over the years ,we have slowly grown apart.We really have very little in common. This was something I had read about so I was not surprised. Now,I would simply like to cut off our relationship. I am really happy to heve found my mother; I know where I come from! However, I see no future in it.Should I write her a letter explaining what I feel, or just tell her over the phone?There again,should I just not say anything, and let things work out for better or worse? My inclination is to write her a letter to my BM telling her how great it was to find her,but that I that cannot go on like this.My mother over this time has given me to understand by her manner of speech that she does not see me as her dear son,which I find normal.As to my birth father; all I know is that he died years ago.There are relations(cousins etc) but I do not in any way feel related to them. I was looking for my mother and father. Relations did not come into the picture. Neither did I want my family(wife and three children to become involved seriously. It was for me a search for my roots.My adoptive parents,who died years ago, never spoke about my BM/BF Now I know something,but I do not want to continue in this situation. I am 66 years old. Your opinions would interest me greatly.


Andie 6 years ago

im adopted and now 19 ive always wanted to meet my birth mother but wasn't sure how to ask my adoptive perants as they are very protective. at the begining of last year i went though a really rough patch and had signs of depression. i had a fight with my perants and ended up screaming at them that they hid things from me all the time. i wasn't meaning anything in patculler i was just mad but mum and dad told me to sit down so i did and this is when ive found out they had photos of my birth mum and her family and her new husband and kids. but the thing that shook me most was that i have a full little sister shes only 2years younger than me so that bought up questions about why didn't she keep me etc. I didn't realise mum and dad where talking to my birth mum they never told me and still refuse to let me talk to her my self. I dont understand why i cant talk to her or anything im old enough to look after my self but they refuse to let me have her email adress or phone number or anything. im so lost on what to do now. ive tryed talking to them and everything but the answer is no your our daughter not theres. they dont understand that i really want to know her ask her things that mum and dad cant answer and i want to met my full little sister. mum and dad had two daughters after adopting me but they are there real perants im the odd goose. do you think you could give any advice to me?


Cathy_f 6 years ago

I'm 22 at the moment and am adopted. I have always known I was adopted and its never really been a big deal for me. Its something i'm quite open about. I was only 3 months old when i was adopted and have a really good relationship with my adoptive parents. My adoptive mother is probably my best friend and I love her so much. I have always felt totally content and happy with my family. I have a younger brother who is also adopted (different BM).

However, for the past year I have thought more and more about trying to find out about my birth family. One of the main reasons for this is because I am now the exact same age as my bm was when i was born, and feel like i really really have to know why she gave me up. Its something i think about constantly - I feel a little part of my story is missing and I must know it. I also really want to know if i have birth siblings. The thing is, I am not sure if i actually want to meet any of my biological family - Mostly i am afraid that they wont like me, i wont like them or something will go horribly wrong and end up so akward. I've heard so many horror stories about when it all goes wrong. Also, my adoptive mother is a very emotionally needy person. I love her to bits but deep down i know she would be so hurt to find out i wanted to meet my bm. I know i should make a decision like this based on what i want, but she has given me the best life and upbringing and I cant bear the thought of her feeling like i've rejected that. Also,I know that if i talked to her about it she would assure me that all is fine, she supports me 100% and will help anyway she can and never say it hurt her. But i just know it would.

I just dont know if meeting them is what i really want, and feel like i might be happy with just information. I know this is not a very nice thing to think, but what if they are utterly horrible and the fact that i turned out ok is down to nurture, not nature!

I would appreciate any advice anyone can give...obviously i know its down to me to make up my mind how i feel about this but honestly it just feels good to write it all down and i got inspired to do so after reading the other stories above!! I've never spoken to another adopted person about how they feel (my brother 100% refuses to talk about it at all, which i think is unhealthy) and just want to say that reading what other people have written has given me the courage to explore how i feel. so thanks!


ariela 6 years ago

Yes i do believe that an adopted child should be able to have communication with there birth parents , because in order for them to have closure in there life and be able to live a happy normal life they need to either close of open that chapter in there life . If they do not do this it can affect there everyday life and also affect there children if they have any .

Ariela


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Thanks for your comment Ariela.

Cathy_f I'm glad reading and writing about it has helped. You are bound to have fears about meeting your BM, it's all unknown. I can tell you are a good person who cares about doing the right thing! I wish you much happiness, whatever you decide.

Andie I think it would help you to talk with someone who isn't involved, perhaps a professional. I'm not sure what else I can say.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

eamon thanks for sharing your story. If interest is fading on both sides why not just leave it at that? Writing a letter like that to a 90 year old seems cruel.


eamon 6 years ago

Dear Watkins Lady, Thank you for your comments. I was somewhat taken aback by your use of the word "cruel". It is a word I would never have thought could be appplied to anything I have done, or could do. For me "cruel" is when you are given away to strangers and no one ever looks for you. If I received a letter from a child I had given away explaining that our relationship could not continue because it was clear the initial feelings were fading ( and I am now 66) I would probably be grateful for the honesty. My BM asked me over and over at the beginning if I held anything against her.My answer was honest;NO I did not. What I am trying to do is bring closure,not treat her cruelly.And I did ask if I should ,among other options,write to her explaing all my feelings. In no way do I want to be cruel to her. If I simply do not call her anymore,is that not cruel? If I tell her over the phone,is that not cruel? I say cruel in these questions because of your use of the word in your comment. I certainly did not think of writing a letter with the object of being consciously cruel to my BM, but a thoughtful letter giving her to understand that in spite of being happy to have met her that now it was clear that it would be better not to continue in contact,but that I would always be there for her if she felt the necessity to contact me. As you may have gathered from this reply to you,I have felt quite hurt by your use of the word "cruel". Maybe it is you who have been cruel,unwittinginly. Nevertheless,thank you for your time. Whatever the outcome,let me say that it has been very positive for me to have found out where I came from. Your blog, with its ups and downs, is a very good idea.


Savannah 6 years ago

I didn't read all of the postings, but it is hard as an adoptive mother now that my adopted daughter is very close to her birth mother. Who am I? I'm not really mother, so who am I?


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Savannah, who wiped her nose and her backside? Who stayed up with her all night when she was sick? Who kissed all her owies away? Her mother did and that's you!

I can't imagine how hard it is for you. But what if she had a new best friend? The best friend would never take your place would she? Try to think of the BM as a new close friend for your daughter.

Eamon - no, I don't think it's cruel to give up a baby and never look for it. Each person has their own unique feelings, circumstances and perspective.

You stated above, "Over the years, we have slowly grown apart. We really have very little in common."

In other words there is already an unspoken understanding between you to let the relationship fade.

Your words again, "There again, should I just not say anything, and let things work out for better or worse?" Yes, since you asked me that s what I think you should do.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Honestly, how can you say I don't want anything to do with you nicely?


sugz profile image

sugz 6 years ago from Quakeville... Christchurch, New Zealand

awesome hub.. from an adoptee to adoptee..

i contacted my birth parents in 2006 and they never wanted anything to do with me, they flatly or at least my father did.. to acknowledge my existance, it hurt a great deal, but more than that, i still felt lost. and yet, here we are 4 years later. .they want to meet me.

strange huh.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Sugz thank you, I'm glad you like the hub. I'm sorry you were hurt by your birth parents. It's hard to image exactly what another person may be thinking or feeling. We only have our own experiences and perspectives.

Remember you don't need your birth parents to complete you or make you fulfilled in life. I wish you good luck and much happiness.


angel2jeanie 6 years ago

I would really love to know where and who my birth family is. Im suppose to have 2 older sisters that I have never met. I was adopted when I was 5 days old, I love my family I wouldn't trade them for anything but I need some internal organs I need to find my birth family can any of you understand that I need some kidneys and my health is bad I have the right to know dont you think? I mean everyone else in the world has family when they need a transplant or blood donated I AM SICK and you act like finding your family is a sin. how about not ever being able to relate to you adopted family what about all the times I was called orphan annie my adopted family hasn't all been peaches and cream infact its been hard as hell and now I need some help how do I find my real parents PLEASE Im totally serious I am from Oklahoma born then shipped all over the U.S because of the air force. I think my real mother is probably dead from hepatits anyways but Id like to KNOW


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Angel2Jeanie thank you for you comment, hope it helped you feel better to get it off your chest. Wishing you well in your search for your birth family.


Linen 6 years ago

Watkins Lady, your replies are so rational, you're amazing. I am a 58 year old adoptee/adoptive parent, and I don't think I could bear to visit this hub and address so many layers of pain, as you do. I have had appropriate therapy, and I recommend it. I say "appropriate" because not all therapists are qualified to address typical adoptee issues, and most of us have already encountered inappropriate responses. Much research has been done in the last twenty years, many good books address adoptee, birthparent and adoptive parent issues. I have donated many good books to libraries where I live. There are online resources that actually help and do more than just allow members of the triangle to "vent". The dynamics are complex even when the birth family is not known - everyone has fantasies. I found "Primal Wound" to be accurate and also find its detractors to largely be adoptive parents. The views within are kind to all members. It has been my view that it is not for birth parents or adoptive parents to argue whether or not a "wound" exists - the term applies to the adoptee. And I'm definitely not an adopted "child" - so being so described my whole life, is infantalizing. To adoptive parents it seems "small potatoes" to say this, however, it is part of a mindset that adoptees encounter and too often accept without barely realizing. If my arm were hanging off my body, it would not be for someone else to judge how much pain it causes me, or whether or not they accept whether or not it is an actual "wound". Anyway: there are websites that are part of counseling entities that deal only with adoption. One is the Center for Adoption Support and Education (CASE), and another is the Center for Adoptive Families (CAF). Both post newsletter-type articles on their sites which can be helpful. It is important to find the right connections.

I applaud brave adoptive parents who can permit birth families into their lives. It can be a self-sacrificing thing. Oftentimes the birthfamilies are dysfunctional, since well functioning families generally keep their children. Living without a medical history gets harder with the passing years. In my day, the little bit of information written about you was sometimes phrased for reasons other than truth. No one thought it would come to light - perhaps it was written just to impress someone. In any case, you don't get real names, and some of the guesses possible from what is provided, don't work out either. Just knowing anything about your birth history as fact, is a gift that will be more valuable with passing years.

Good luck, all.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Linen thank you for stopping by and your wonderful comments. It is very much appreciated! You are pretty amazing too.


mgr2000 6 years ago

My story is very similar to Emons

I was adopted when I was six weeks old. My new parents were German migrants who lived 16 years in Australia. I was 2 years old when my parents decided to move back Germany. 28 years later I was able to track down my birth mother in Australia.

I went to see her and also met my sisters and grandparents. She also visited me in Germany.

The relationship was pretty good which was one of the reason why my family ( wife and son) decided to return back to Australia.

Going back to Australia after almost 30 years was very tough as our life started had to start from scratch again.

Before I continue with my story, I would like to mention that my adopter parents fully supported my move and decision to return to Australia.

The first year I even lived across the road from my birth mother and we spend some nice time together. However over the recent years we have grown more and more apart which

Is disappointing. Everyone and everything else has more priority for her. My son who loves is ‘ nana ‘ had in 9 years 4 sleep over at her place. Maybe I am asking for to much

I am bitterly disappointed with her, as we feel being treated like outsiders.

Last 15 month have been the worst in my entire life. Last year I’ve had a stroke, victim of crime ( my store was robbed and got stabbed in the leg), plus to deal with five family deaths ! However there has been ‘ nil’ support from my bm. Since my father passed away my bm has phoned me twice in 6 months, not talking longer for 2-3 minutes. It is a kick in the gut to describe it gently. We all are in an age where we can deal with problems by our self, however sometimes you wish to talk off the crap of your chest by speaking to a relative. You would think that I could speak with my bm about things like that. Nothing at all. Recently when I rung her she said after a couple of minutes that she cannot talk for much longer as her hand hurts when holding the phone..... What a load of crap.

Due to the recent events I have to see a counselor each week and being pumped up with antidepressants. In all that time I have not had once the opportunity to speak with my bm about the problems as she never has any time. It's sad to notice that I am able to speak to friends about private things but not with a mother.

I am at this stage now where I believe that I should end this contact as it is effecting my

Life in not a positive way.

Any feedback would be much appreciated.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

I'm no expert on human behaviour but I do find it interesting. People are complicated and it's not always easy to figure them out.

I don't believe there is the same mother child bond or connection when the two are separated such as in an adoption. This bond is built and grows over the years, so expecting that type of relationship could be unrealistic.

Some people, no matter what the circumstances can't enjoy warm, close relationships. This is their problem.

What ever you do, you must take care of yourself and your own emotional well being.


mgr2000 6 years ago

Hello Watkins Lady,

thank you for your reply and for your valued comments. I guess I have to accept the fact that it will impossible to gain a great bond between my bm and my person. I still do not regret that I have made the step of tracking my birth mother down. Where I struggle is the emotional part in relation to the rejection. It's very painful and upsetting. My parents in Germany were great but they and me had to deal with rejection as well. My mum's relatives as example did not accept me as family member as they saw me as the ' immigrant child '. Now being back in Australia I have to deal once again with the same type of attitude.

As mentioned before it is quiet sad I wish things would be different, however I trust it is time to move on.

Anyway it is nice to share some of my impressions and feelings with others here on this blog.


sillygoobermommy profile image

sillygoobermommy 6 years ago from Hot Springs, Arkansas

Everyone wants to know where they come from. It's curiousity.

I was adopted when I was a week old. My family who chose me told me from day one that I was adopted. They didn't hide it from me. They even saved a letter that my birth mother wrote me for when I was ready to read it. I was about thirteen years old when I read it.

I told my parents I wanted to search for her.

They understood. My real mom got sick with cancer and that's when we started searching for her. My mom wanted me to have that chance.

My birth mom and my real mom had a common friend.

We contacted that person who had given me an address to a friend of my birth mom.

Well my real mom passed before she could help me anymore.

My dad helped me out with the rest. We got her address from the friend of my birth mom and I wrote her.

I met her the same yr my mom passed.

It was hard.

I know I'm in a better place and that I have a good life.

When she was pregnant with me she had no means to support me and no place to live.

She wanted the best for me. She didn't know anyone who could help her.

Things don't seem like they have changed much.

I hear from her every blue moon. I don't know much about my birth father other than just his name.

I'm lucky to have been given a family who has been supportive and loving. Not everyone is fortunate.


Birth Grandmother 6 years ago

My daughter got pregnant last year and decided to give the baby up for adoption. We didn't want to just give our granddaughter to strangers. My husbands brother and his wife took an interest, and my daughter asked them if they would like to adopt her baby. They do not have any other children. Everything was going well until after the baby was born. My daughter changed her mind and wanted to keep her daughter and her father and I encouraged her to stick with her plan. We couldn't face the other members of our family, namely my husband's parents, and their disappointment. My husband's mother was there during the birth and said some very hurtful things. We knew we would have been shunned if the adoption didn't go through as planned. With all of the pressure, my daughter signed the papers. She had severe regrets afterward and asked her uncle and aunt for her daughter back. She begged. They could only say that if we decided to fight than it "would get ugly". After being informed by 2 different lawyers that it would be very difficult to get the baby back, my daughter was distraught. She wrote a horrible letter and posted it on face book for everyone to see. Her uncle and aunt then decided she had no place in their lives and have since excluded her from everything. This is the very reason why we didn't want our daughter to give her baby to strangers. We wanted to be a part of our granddaughters life. Now we have nothing. They've changed the our granddaughters name and we are not to be known as her grandparents. We don't speak to any of my husbands family anymore. There is a lot more to this story, but I can't say all of it here in this comment. This is first and foremost mine and my husbands fault. We accept that. We are deeply worried, however, about how all of this will affect our granddaughter as she grows up. We are all sad and grieving. We are having difficulty moving on with our lives. I'm afraid our anger and resentment will alter the rest of our own lives.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

Dear Birth Grandmother, you are right to be concerned about your granddaughter. It's too bad everyone involved can't put the child first. I'm sorry to hear everything went so terribly wrong and hope this can be made right in the future.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

sillygoobermommy, thank you for sharing your story. It's good to hear from one of the lucky ones who have been given a family who has been supportive and loving. We have are very fortunate indeed.


Ell 6 years ago

My friend was adopted when he was a baby and he doesn't know his birth name (was changed when he was adopted). He has found a list of babies born in the city where he was for his birthday month but he doesn't know which one is him. How will he go about finding out without involving his adoption parents?


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 6 years ago Author

I know there are agencies who help adopted children find their birth Mother but you don't give enough details for me to suggest anything.


Rebecca 6 years ago

I was adopted when I was a baby and never have found my Birth parents. I am now 52. WE have a son who is adopted and I always told him when he was ready to meet his Birth Mother I would help him. Very much like Cheryl. He is 23 years old now and has met his Birth Mother but not Birth Father. I don't think he wants to meet him. This is all very recent. He has met his half sisters and Aunts and Grandparents. I know his birth mother and I know it was very hard for her to give him up. But I kinda feel that she is pushing the relationship and I don't want to feel jealous or anything like that.,but I'am having a very hard dealing with this . I didn't think I would feel this way cause I was adopted. And Cheryl your right it is very hurtful you do feel left out. You were the one who took care of this child all his life. I know it is a honeymoon stage, but I still have these feelings. It is very hard to watch and hear. I need some insight on how to deal with my feelings and I agree there ought to be a support group for adopted parents who their children have found their birth parents . I m happy for my son, but I also want him to be careful too.


Rebecca 6 years ago

I was adopted when I was a baby and never have found my Birth parents. I am now 52. WE have a son who is adopted and I always told him when he was ready to meet his Birth Mother I would help him. Very much like Cheryl. He is 23 years old now and has met his Birth Mother but not Birth Father. I don't think he wants to meet him. This is all very recent. He has met his half sisters and Aunts and Grandparents. I know his birth mother and I know it was very hard for her to give him up. But I kinda feel that she is pushing the relationship and I don't want to feel jealous or anything like that.,but I'am having a very hard dealing with this . I didn't think I would feel this way cause I was adopted. And Cheryl your right it is very hurtful you do feel left out. You were the one who took care of this child all his life. I know it is a honeymoon stage, but I still have these feelings. It is very hard to watch and hear. I need some insight on how to deal with my feelings and I agree there ought to be a support group for adopted parents who their children have found their birth parents . I m happy for my son, but I also want him to be careful too.


sroberts9 profile image

sroberts9 6 years ago from Northern Virginia

Hi I am adopted and had to go through a state facility to have my records unsealed. The fortunate part of that was the laws had changed giving me access to certain information. I decided one day to find out if there was any medical history that would benefit myself and my two growing teenaged daughters (i.e., cancers, rare blood disorders, etc.) When I did go through the red tape, I got to ask some questions to the records examiner about my parents. She had information on my biological Mother and what she had told the Social Worker when she was pregnate with me. A friend of mine said it's not good to open Pandoras Box. But, when she said it I had already had my coal mining hat on and all lite up to find out the truth. Because as a young child I was told quite a few different stories and none of them added up. When I did discover her findings, it seemed like it would be a good experience - since My Mother had passed and I did not fear disrespecting her or hurting her feelings. But, when I talked with my biological mother on the phone, I discovered why I was proud my parents kept all their knowledge about her and how I got in their arms a secret. What I found was not the truth but, coverups of shame and guilt of how I was conceived to only follow up with let's keep you a hidden secret (even though her husband and children were all grown and moved on with their lives) She wanted me to remain her "dirty little secret" and I was not ready for that type of relationship. I did not intrude on her she left word for me to contact her if I ever looked her up. All she said she wanted was to see if I was ok and how I turned out. Well I told her all of that and what I wanted to know was about my medical history and she provided that. I am a product of a black man and woman who had what they use to call "jungle fever" to think about it now, only makes me bitter because there was no love there for me and she only wanted me to forgive her for giving me up. I told her that I did not want to judge her nor make any trouble for her in her life but, I had to agree with her children - Why would you look up a child that you gave up because you found out it was not your husband's child and it was a black man's child. You had an affair and the result was a child was born and she immediately gave up after the blood test confirmed it to not be your husbands - to an orphanage. She never knew that the social worker had already shared with me this information and yet she tried to tell me that she kept me for 6 months trying to decide what to do and it was so hard for her when in reality - it was quite easy for her since she had already signed the papers for me to come there if I was confirmed to be a black child and not her husbands. I guess you can say I am bitter, or not, but, in my heart, I am at peace with it. I'm sorry that she felt so much grief and guilt but, it was not by my doing. I told her that and I told her I would always appreciate the fact that the didn't abort me and that she took me back acrossed the tracks where I belonged to the most loving, kind, gentle, woman, who had no reserves on her love for me because it was always unconditional and I was raised with a GREAT WOMAN's finger print on my life and I have passed that and my own down to my own children. There was no more room for her fingerprints in my life. All had been done by my Real Mother the one who awoke in the middle of the night and cared for me and taught me all about being a good kid, a proper young lady and a beautiful woman and great wife. I only pray that I can be as half as great as she was to me for that alone I owe her my soul. Rest in peace Ma, you will always be first in my life and no one can ever replace or add to your work in my heart. Amen


Kari 5 years ago

angela_michelle

I am twenty one and was adopted when I was seven days old. My parents were always very open about my adoption and have also been very supportive. I have talked extensively with my mother about the adoption and how it affected her. She said that at first she was very scared that something would happen where my BM would want be back which would cause a lot of stress and other issues. She said that at first she did not want me to ever meet my BM or be curious but as I grew and my parents adopted my sister, she is seven years younger and was adopted at three days old from a different BM, these fears subsided because she came to appreciate what these women had done by carrying us for nine months and then giving us up to someone who was better able to care for us. My parents have always said that if we chose to meet our birth parents they would aid us and support us. I just wanted you to know that I am very thankful that I was adopted and that I have such a great and loving family and I am sure that you have nothing to worry about.

On another note I have some thoughts of my own. I have always been curious about my birth family. I knew that I was my BM's second child at twenty one and that I had a three and a half year old half sister whom my BM kept. I did not often think about meeting my borth family growing up as I knew that I was not mature enough to make that decision as a youth. However, a year ago I googled my birth name and found a few sites which stated that my birth mother was searching for me. Since then I have been contemplainting meeting her and perhaps other biological relatives. One of my biggest fears prior to finding these sites was that if I did decide to meet biological family they would not be interested so knowing this does make things easier. However, I worry about the effect this may have on any biological siblings that I have that my BM kept. I grew up very privliged, I had everything wanted from toys to ponies and horses to vehicles. I have traveled all over the world and have had many wonderful opportunities. I am currently finsihing my BA in psychology and will be done my BA in Justice next April. My parents have paid fully for my education and have purchased me a new car and a 300 000 dollar house to get me on the right track to start my adult life. That is all well and good and I am very thankful for everything they have done for me not only financially but emotionally as well. Now I think about the life I may have had and what my birth siblings likley did have. When I was adopted my birth mother had dropped out of school when she was in grade eight, did not have a job and was living on welfare with a three year old. Likley I would not have had the opportunities I did through school, I also had a nanny growing up who also turtored me before I even started school, I would not have had the world experience I do etc. My thoughts are how will my birth siblings feel about this fantastic life I have had. I worry that they may feel shafted and this is not something I want. However, I feel that if my BM was willing to give me up, I can not even imagine how difficult that decision must be, than she at least deserves to meet with me if she so wishes.

I am just wondering wether worrying about siblings is rediculous.

Kari


Polly 5 years ago

I am a birth mom - that gave up my rights to a child. He was adopted at 4 weeks. After seven years I had another child. I always thought about the son I gave away - I even celebrated his birthday every year. I always hoped that I would meet him. This year I had the wonderful opportunity to meet him. The first meeting was very challenging. Since then, we have been in contact for about 8 months and things are going well. He has not met my other children (his half sibling at this point). He knows that I want him to meet them and I am very patient with his decision. Recently, we talked about our first meeting and we both commented on how emotional and stressful it was. I have thanked him for reaching out to me. I have a new delemia coming up -I will be meeting his Mom in the near future and I want to thank her for raising a child that I could not (at that time/place). Right now I am trying to think of something that I can write in a card to give her. I want to let her know that I will never try to take her place as his Mom as I gave that right away so many years ago. I don't want her to feel left out - I would like to welcome her in my life - if she is willing. I am so thankful that I was able to meet the baby (now adult) that I gave away. I really like to have a part in his life.

For the Mom's of adoptive children - Should I even think that his Mom will even want to meet me?


derrymom 5 years ago

Could you please tell me at what age should I tell my foster daughter about her birth family? She came to us when she was a year old,6 now,and has been calling me mummy since she could talk.We are still going thru the adoption process. Thanks


huntmor profile image

huntmor 5 years ago

I recently just met my sister who my mother put up for adoption 28 years ago today, Feb 1. And I just want to put this out there for the people who feel rejected from their birth parents and for the people considering adoption or putting their child up for adoption. . . After meeting Ashley, I think my mother did the right thing in giving her away. Her adoptive family provided things for her that my mother wouldn't have been able to do. She turned out to be an amazing person who is now living in LA and making a documentary on her search for her birth parents. You can see the trailor for it online. . im not sure what the website is but you can just go to google and type in February 1, 1983 and see the things she has accomplished. While it saddens me to think i could of grown up with another older sister, I am so happy she was givin the life that even when i was born, my mother still couldn't provide for me.


 5 years ago

derrymom I believe you should always tell your child they are adopted but I think you should wait until they are mature enough to deal with it before you give them any details about their birth family. This could be 16 or even older. You don't need to rush it, trust your instincts and tell her when you feel she is ready to know.

huntmor - I love you mature and sensible attitude! What's important now is enjoying your new found sister.


LORETTA GOODWIN 5 years ago

MY NAME IS LORETTA GOODWIN I AM LOOKING FOR MY SONS TWIN SISTER THAT WAS STOLEN AT BIRTH. HER BIRTHDAY IS JULY 25TH,1973 SHE HAS A TWIN BROTHER STEVE.WE ARE IN BIRMINGHAM,ALABAMA.SHE WAS BORN AT MERCY HOSPITAL.PLEASE IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR YOUR BLOOD PARENTS AND BORN THIS DAY CONTACT ME AT LORETGOODW2@AOL.COM I AM PRAYING AND WILL NOT STOP SEARCHING.I AM 57 NOW.


Deborah 5 years ago

I am SO happy I came upon this site!

My husband and I are in the process of adopting a soon to be 18 year old child from foster care. The adoption will be final in a few weeks. Two nights ago he came running down the hallway with his laptop, and said Mom, My "Mom" has found me on fb, and she says that my brother and sister are there! I was shocked, as he was to say the least.

He was in foster care since the age of 5, and has been with us for a few months. His Mother was very young, and her parental rights were terminated when he was 8. He has been in care since then.

She got his contact information, and called him within a few minutes. It was a very emotional call on her part. He was very happy to get to talk with her, and his siblings. He will be turning 18 in a few weeks and wants very much to go visit his family.

I have had 2 phone conversations with his bm in the past 2 days and she is very happy that she has found him, and happy at the response she got from him.

I do want to support this relationship with his biological family if that is what is best for him.

I hope by letting him have contact with his bm is not the wrong thing to do.

She was very grateful to my husband and myself for adopting him, but very much wants to be a part of his life.

I want to give him the happiest life, and I believe he has the right to know where he came from, and only she can give him all the answers he has been looking for.

After seeing his response, I feel that she and his siblings are part of the missing pieces of his broken heart. Do you think I am doing the right thing by letting him have contact with his bm?


eliowy profile image

eliowy 5 years ago

I was adopted as well.

I always always always wanted to find my real mother. My adoptive parents are my parents forever and i will ALWAYS love them. Flesh and blood however is different. My natural mother left me with a rosary, prayerbook, necklace and letter. I never got the letter and necklace they were 'lost' when we moved the summer before i turned 18. My adoptive parents feel very strongly that they are my forever parents not just my adoptive ones and in a sense they are. My natural mother however is my real mom. I have never met her my parents threatened to not help with college if i didn't wait until i am 21. When i get older i will look for and tell her how much i loved her and needed her. But i don't want her to feel guilty. At the time she had no choice and i can honestly say i was very happy and loved so much by those who adopted me. They just think that they have my best interests at heart when they say wait. I think that they are afraid i will abandon them and i would never do that. But i need to know my mother, i need to know my history, i need to know who i was and who i could have been. I need to know if she loved me, i need to know if she cried every time it was my birthday while i cried for her. I need to know if she loved to read and sing and loved music as much as i do. I NEED TO KNOW WHO SHE IS~ and its not out of neediness either its out of love and hope that her life got better after me that she recovered enough to be happy thats what i need to know>


Carol 5 years ago

The son I put up for adoption 30 years ago found me 2 days ago and wants to meet me today. Needless to say, I am a ball of nerves. I came to this site to learn more about what is happening and how to cope with this now. He and I have e-mailed, but not spoken.

Thank you to all who have posted here-you have all given me a better insight to my situation. If he wants to meet me, I will. If he needs answers, I will try to give them to him. If he wants a "special" relationship, I will form one with him. However, I AM NOT his mother, I am his biological one. I will forever be thankful to his adoptive parents who have raised this good man when I was not able. they are now and will forever be, his parents.

Thank you all for teaching me where I need to be in this first meeting.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 5 years ago Author

Thank you for your comment Carol, I'm glad this hub was able to give you some insight and direction. I wish you much happiness as this new chapter in your life unfolds.


Miyea 5 years ago

Hi! I was adopted 14 years ago I am know 18 years old. I have so many questions for my biological mother. My biological father raped me when I was 4. My mother abandoned me at a homeless shelter and then some one found my half brothers in a hotel room. I do not remember much except for the reoccurring nightmares about the rape and abuse. I cannot tell you how much I hate my father for what he did to me and my brothers. But they where way too young to understand they where babies but I was not. I recently found them both living in the same place as I had left them 14 years ago almost 15. I will not see my father for he cannot be forgiven for any of anything he did. I still have nightmares from that night every night. I am scared to death of walking outside at night or across a parking lot with people nearby for fear of what could happen. I will not meet with him ever and my half brother has already stated that he would beat the hell out of him if he ever found him. He has mixed feelings about our mother he also stated that if he ever found my dad that he would kill him for what he did.I want to meet my mother I mean what the hell do I do when I meet her kiss and make up for the years I cried for her and wanted her to come and get me. What do I do if I do meet her I do not want to mess this up please help me any advice would be helpful?


OrphanWorldGuy profile image

OrphanWorldGuy 5 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

I'm not typical, but not only have I met both sets of my biological family (one set in Colorado, and one in Iowa), but we all have a great relationship. Oddly enough, in my biological mother's family, I'm the middle child. In my biological father's family, I'm the oldest child. In my adopted family, I'm the youngest child. Explains a lot I guess! :)


Maria74 5 years ago

A year and a half ago my biological mother made contact with me, i found out that i had 6 brothers (two deceased in infancy), a grandmother and plently of family. I have always know that I was adopted, not because my parents told me but just because I understood it, this affected my life as I lived with a great void. I am an only child, my adoptive parents where mature when they "adopted" me, my extended adoptive family did not take to kindly to my presence. I found out that my adoption was not legal, my biological mother worked for my adoptive parents relatives in south america as a house maid, there was a verbal agreement and she gave me to my parents. This past year and a half has been very difficult, though my biological mother and I have a close relationship I struggle very much with what she did with me and also that she never gave any of my brothers for adoption. My adoptive parents do not know that we have contact,they are elderly people and I am the center of their universe. these last few months my relationship with my biological family has been a bit strained, especially with my brothers as they grew up humble and resent the fact that my life was "easier" in there eyes. I am at a crossroad as what to do, I love my biological mother very much because I yearned and cried for her all my life but her presence together with my brothers is leaving me emotionally drained..


LInda Smith 5 years ago

I would like to give another point of view, as the birth mother. I am the real mother. I got caught up in crooked legal system, as a poor, single mother. Long, horrible story. Relatives got my baby.

1. She never knew she was adopted. She found out by accident, and was met with anger.

2. She was told I did not want her, if I did I would have looked for her. This was a lie.

3. She was placed in a facility at the age of 16, then the relatives moved out of state, deserting her.

4. She was told that they did not know where family was, which was a lie.

Thank God, my baby has found me and the family which she was denied for 16 years by these people. She now knows the truth, and has the proof. I do not know what the future holds. My baby is an emotional wreck. She sits like a statue. She shows no emotion at all.

In fact the realative who claimed he did not know where family was, contacted her grandfather recently, only to put her down, and tell him how much trouble she was.

I do not know what the future holds. I do know that she has addresses, phone numbers, of her family, including me, her real mother, her birth mother. Hopefully, she will come to us and begin to rebuild her life, especially emotionally. We can only love her, support her, and accept her as she is, not what we expect her to be,as my relatives did. She is not the only adopted child they deserted after adoption either. One thing that is for sure, I loved her before she was born, and I love her still today. She in no longer an infant, but she is still my baby. But now, she is my damaged baby that needs patience and love. We have offered options to her, letting her know we want her, but we are not going to pressure her into coming with us. We do not know everything, only the bits and pieces that she has shared with us. We do not pry, do not pump, no drill her about her life. We are allowing her to move at her own pace.

So those who are quick to say the adopted parents are the real parents, think again.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 5 years ago Author

Thanks or sharing your story Linda, every situation is unique and there is no one right answer. I hope it all works out for you and your daughter.


alan 5 years ago

What do I do? Gave my child up to adoption at birth after being haggled into it. Did not want to do that but the amount of stress and negative emotions from the mother's family was incredible. They had even kicked her out during her pregnancy. I tried to marry her. I tried being friends with the mom as well to no avail as she blames me for all. I only made my choice after seeing her signature. I will not ever really understand as she, her mom, was adopted too so why would she want that to happen?

Over 17 years later, at the age of 16, the child I tried to give a good future to contacted me. It was a few months oddly after her mother contacted me via facebook. Again, tried to be friends but after the years of mental and verbal abuse, I could not take it. They slandered me in the past and I really took notice when the biological mom's adoptive parent was openly telling her kid to not say to my own child where I was or what. What kind of people do stuff like that? Trying to keep a parent away and screw up that relationship?

It was odd to me but my daughter stated she needed me in her life. I had tried to call but not even voicemail which is really odd. Only contact by email. Sent present during the holidays and on her birthday. She said I love you and I'm the greatest....Now, she says I am a liar and wanted her aborted and got kicked out of a car or something. Things and happenings that never happened. What do I do now? My own mother and girlfriend have worried that this is not good for me at all in the end.


chunky jenna 5 years ago

i was adopted. damn. wish i had a real family.


ameliejan profile image

ameliejan 5 years ago from Alicante, Spain

I think every situation is unique and there are no right or wrong answers when it comes to such a sensitive subject. Human emotion is complex. Thanks for a thought-provoking hub.


glassvisage profile image

glassvisage 5 years ago from Northern California

Thanks for the Hub! I was adopted and never really considered going back to find my birth parents, especially since it would be difficult to do so anyway. To this day, I have no desire. I think it depends on the person whether or not they should make the decision to find their biological parents. While it can bring good things, it can also mess up a good thing. I appreciate this Hub.


strongmama 5 years ago

my 23 year old boyfriend was adopted by two people who he claimed didn't understand him, after I got to know them after 6 years of us being together I noticed that they weren't mean or vindictive, he was a very troubled youngster and they did all they could to help him yet I can see how much they love him, they did everything true sacrificing parents would for their kids, seeing how he blame a lot of his troubles on being adopted, as his girlfriend I seeked out he's birth father with the help of no one and found him in 2007, they got to know each other but it wasn't anything fatherly and strong besides he was grown and his father had his own family to look after, in the mean time my boyfriend and I had a beautiful baby boy together everything seem ok when I noticed he still wondered about his birth mother and that pained him, so with my searching skills I look for her on facebook went in her school alumni profile and found one of her friends who had her contact me that way I was able to find her. I can say that as soon as they talked and met that i've never seen my boyfriend this happy so I thought finally everything was looking out not only for him but for our son and we could everything pass us and now he now know like he said his true identity. the birth mother has her own family and was very welcoming to him and our family, on the day that my son was turning 2 the adoptive mother came over to drop my son's present off to tell me that her son (my boyfriend) has abandoned her and their family and it hurt her a lot and she cried. I guess in my hurry to try to give the father of my son peace and comfort I forgot what it would do to his adoptive parents, and now I feel that God is punishing me for it. Now he moved out of the state and left his only son to move in and live with his biological mother because he never had 2 real parents to raise him like I have he stated to me once and that he is making a sacrifice and that someday our son will understand. I am so confuse... My mother explained to me that it's just a honeymoon stage and if he abandoned the woman who cared and loved him for 22 years he will do the same to anyone and that he is an ungreatful person who only cares about himself and soon the husband of the birth mother won't be so ok with this, I feel like I have destroy 3 families, the adoptive parents, the biological parents family and all the same I have destroyed mine.it's been almost 6 months since he lives there and He barely sees his son, I'm a strong mother and I'm there for my son but the other day he called me from his biological mother's house in Idaho to let me know that he's going to take our 2yr old son to california on a 16 hours drive to see his birth father's family in Sandiego and will be back in 4 days and this will be a custom for the years to come, I really feel this is carma eating at me, I have physical custody of my son and although I would love him to have a great special time with his dad which he hasn't had in 6 long months but I don't know the biological fathers' family and California is so far away and I would never see my child and be there to protect him when he needs me most. I'm angry and outraged that he dare think just because he can leave the parents who cared for him for 22 years that he can take my little boy away...any advice pleaaaase?


AgesMGMT profile image

AgesMGMT 5 years ago from New York

you bring up many good points.. I can only imagine that if I had a kid and had to give it up for adoption that it would be the hardest thing in the world and would take years to move on from. I don't think that I would want to know them as that would be so incredibly hard.


amberbraun 5 years ago

i think we shud meet our parents im 13 i lived so long with out my real paarents and everyday i wonder if they loved me or if ther looking 4 me

its harder then yu think


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 5 years ago Author

AmberBraun please know giving you up was probably the hardest thing your birth mother ever did. Letting you go so you could have a better life than she could give you is the greatest act of unselfish love imaginable.

Make peace with your soul and focus on getting your education!


Natural Mother 5 years ago

Please help keep children with their natural mothers. So much heartache could be avoided for both mothers and children if they were not separated.

Adoption agencies deceive young women. Adoption agencies and attorneys make thousands of dollars on coerced adoptions. There is a very dark side to the Adoption industry. I have witnessed it and suffer knowing my children are being raised by strangers, who do not have the same morals or values I have.

Desperate to have a child they will do ANYTHING to steal your babies.

Separate from my own experience it saddens me greatly to have witnessed a family who adopted three girls. The adoptive parents never have a kind word to say about the girls natural mother and father. This is such a disservice to the children as they know they are a part of their natural parents this must do psychological harm.

Society must promote keeping children with their natural mothers. Stop coerced, legalized kidnapping.


justin 5 years ago

Why don't some parents like there kids


Finally Complete 5 years ago

When I was 5yrs old my parents but my baby sister up for adoption and kept it a secret from our entire family. A week ago I received a strange message on facebook from a young girl stating that she was my sister and that she was adopted when she was 6 weeks old. I asked my mother about the strange message and she said the girl was mistaken. I couldn't help but to look at the girls photo because she looked a lot like me. Some pictures I wouldve thought were me if they didn't have the girls name beside it. Later that night my mom sat beside me and explain the story and told me that the girl was my younger sister. I was in complete shock that my parents would do such a thing. After talking to both my mom and dad, I completely understood why they made the decision that they made. I contacted my sisiter on facebook and told her the good news. We chatted for hours and decided to get both families together for dinner. August 27, 2011 was the best day of my life because it was the day I met my little sister. I haven't known her long but I already love her. Now that she has found us, Im never losing her again.


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 5 years ago Author

Justin being a parent is one of the most challenging things a person can do, even when they don't seem to like you or something you are doing, they do love you!

Finally Complete thanks for sharing your story, glad it worked out well for you!


Zox 5 years ago

I'm sorry, but I found your comments on who an adoptee's real parents are to be incredibly offensive.

I am an adoptee in my late 20's who has searched for and reunited with both of my biological parents as well as cultivated a relationship with several of my biological half-siblings. While reunion has been a roller coaster for all of us, I wouldn't take back a second of it. Discovering my biological identity has been one of the most fulfilling adventures of my life.

I know that this isn't the case for all adoptees and that reunion is different for everyone. There are risks and one never knows what they are going to find.

Like reunion itself, every adoption is different and every adoptee has their own story. To sit here and preach to all adoptees about who their REAL parents are is condescending at best. While YOU may feel that the title of 'mom and dad' is a special one reserved only for the people that raised you, who are you to define those terms for every other adoptee?

I consider myself to have three parents. My adoptive mother, my adoptive father, and my biological father. My biological mother does not wish to act in the capacity of 'mother' in regards to my life... But my adoptive parents as well as my biological father do and that is the dynamic of our relationship. No one else, not even you, can define who MY parents are for me anymore than I can define who YOUR parents are for you.

The term 'REAL' is subjective when it comes to adoption. We were born with 'REAL' parents (they certainly existed) and 'REAL' identities. At some point in our lives, our parents and identities changed. Does that mean that my adoptive parents aren't 'REAL?' No. Does that mean that my original identity wasn't 'REAL?' No.

I think it's important that every adoptee define their concept of family, including parentage, for themselves. It's not right for anybody, even another adoptee, to try to dictate the terms of our own families and lives to us.


LindaSmith1 profile image

LindaSmith1 5 years ago from USA

I am the mother of a child who was adopted, through no fault of my own. If people knew how most adoptions occur, they would get sick.

I am the real family. I am the real mother, the only mother.


Modern Greetings profile image

Modern Greetings 5 years ago

An interesting hub, to put it lightly. In my opinion, that old saying of 'it takes a village to raise a child' is much wiser than it sounds. An adopted child can do nothing but grow fundamentally by seeking out their roots and personal history. For an adoptive parent to find that offensive would be selfish on their part.


jeanie 5 years ago

Linda, I agree. When I read someone tell an adoptee or natural mother to "move on", I want to scream. At 58, I'm still struggling with my decision, and my D is hurting because she found out her REAL birth date. I wondered why her adopter was calling and crying to her on the phone after learning she found me and I her. Tough luck, should not have lied. Now she is finding out just a slice of the pain I've endured for years.


mtnsandrivers 5 years ago

I am currently going through this process of finding my birthparents this year. I am 37, so it took me awhile to gather up the courage to do so, and out of respect for my mom, as i did not want her to feel like i did not appreciate the life she gave me or diminish her role in anyway. What really pushed me to do so is our first son is adopted. It was an open adoption, where we got to meet the family, know some history that we can share later, and help fill in the blanks to his story. It made me realize i should start trying to figure out more of my story while i could. Also, although we had fertility issues, which is why we adopted in the first place, we were able to have a natural born son. I felt I should help try to gather genetic information and health history for both him and I to be aware of. So far I have been in contact with the birthfather and have enjoyed our conversations via email. No real expectations out of it, but it has helped fill a void, a curiousity we both had. It seems that i am close to having contact with my birthmother, as she has at least contacted the adoption agency in the state i was born in, acknowledging my request that was sent out to make contact. Hopefully she accepts it and wants to find out more. The ball is in her court. It has made me think a bit more, now that the time may be close, as to what i would say. The main thing, other than fact finding, is to let her know that I have no ill feelings, and appreciate what she did in the choice to give me up for adoption. I consider that to be an incredible sacrifice, truly from the heart, because of the pain she must have gone through to do what she felt was the best of intentions for me. I am worried a bit about making contact and not divulging too much family history on my adopted life too soon. The reason i say this is that overall the life was good, but life being what it can be, played out a bit rough...My first father developed lung cancer when i was about 5 and died on my 7th birthday. I felt like i missed a lot of the quality time/parental bonding in those years because of what my mom was dealing with, taking care of a sick husband and then mourning the loss. She admitted to me recently that she just figured we (i have an adopted sister, two years older, both of us were adopted at birth BTW) were okay because we weren't showing any outside emotional distress. Some of it is still demons i am dealing with. What i am saying is, i don't want to unload too much to the birthmother, if we make contact, and have her then think, i gave him up to have a better life, and look at the misery he had to deal with? I would hate to create a regret in her mind for such a selfless act that she did. I think it will be best to bring it out over time,and that life will deal you what it does. There are several other things that also happened over the course of growing up that aren't worth getting into here, but that made me a stronger but more jaded person...

I guess since i am just probably getting close to having a conversation in some form, i am trying to formulate what to say, how much to reveal initially. I want to really be able to open up, to say how wonderful my life has been overall and all the accomplishments i have made and experiences i have had, things i would not have done had she not set me on this course, but several of the sad events have also really marked my path and defined me a bit. What is your opinion on when it would be appropriate to bring things like that up if it is a fairly open communication?

Thanks for your advice and i have enjoyed reading the hub and the various issues/opinions.


Leaderofmany profile image

Leaderofmany 5 years ago from Back Home in Indiana

I have found my biological family and have known them for 12 years now. The beginning was wonderful, but alot of the family members had on their good mask. I soon began to see through them and realized that the same problems that were there when they gave me up at 4 were still there all those years later. I have since had to distance myself from certain members of the family. Others of the family are wonderful and I am grateful to know where I came from and who I am. Although I did realize that that finding my mother did not define me as a person as I thought it would. I decide who I want to be.


No new opinion here 5 years ago

Yes! I believe, This option of finding the biological parents, should always be a right .. no matter what, every biological parent should ALWAYS be able to seek a relationship with their child .. Every child should ALWAYS be able to seek a relationship with their biological parents if they want .. NO MATTER WHAT!!

I agree with Ariela

"ariela 15 months ago

Yes i do believe that an adopted child should be able to have communication with there birth parents , because in order for them to have closure in there life and be able to live a happy normal life they need to either close of open that chapter in there life . If they do not do this it can affect there everyday life and also affect there children if they have any .

Ariela"

Best Regards


Vants Anseth (Moore?) 4 years ago

I was adopted at birth as my Maternal Mother was just a month shy of being 15 years old. My adopted parents divorced when I was 4 yrs. old and life went down hill from there. My adopted Mother became a Mistress to their old square dance partner and that continued for years, until I left home at 14. I spent my childhood at baby sitters while My Adpt. Mother and her boyfriend took off for weekends and evenings leaving me at the baby sitters, many times for entire weekends. My adpt. Father got remarried with a woman who had a child from a previous marriage, her former husband was killed. My adpt. Father took custody of another boy two years older than me, but put him in military academy and that is where he grew up, living 24/7 at the military academy. Once in awhile he was picked up and taken to either My adpt. Father's or My adpt. Mother's home for a weekend, he grew up to spend most his adult life in different prisons. Can't expect a child that is kicked to the curb to grow up normal and he didn't.

I tracked down and located my Maternal Mother when I was 30 and she was happy about it........for the first several years. I told her I also would like to know who my Father is and she said she could not tell me as it would cause too many problems in the family!? Finally she told me that she would tell me who my Father was when my Grandparents (her parents) died. Over the years my Grandfather died first, then my Grandmother years later. After they died I again asked who my Father was and then she said she did not remember his name. She said he nickname was Lucky, he was 18-20 years old, rode a Harley, wore a black leather jacket all the time and his Mother had a wooden leg! If any of that is true I may never know! I did DNA testing on my own and found many relatives but still cannot pin down who my Father was. It appears that my surname is Moore, or that is what comes up on all my closest relatives anyway. My Mother gets upset about her childhood and thinks I don't have a right to know who my Father is, thus we broke off relations a few years ago. I am now 64 years old and still searching for my Father. My adopted parents never physically abused me, but mentally is a different story. I never had a childhood and left home and have been working as an adult since I was 14 so never had any teenage years as a child either. I still want to know who my Father is and what my surname is, I dropped my adopted name as soon as I found my Maternal Mother's maiden name and took that name and also had my children's names changed also. At least it is a blood name even though it is not the Paternal name we should all have. My adopted parents do not deserve to have anyone named after them.

So, what advise do you have for me? Get over it? That won't happen, so what else can I do? Any advise?

Thank You, Vants


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

As an adopted child I totally agree with your advice and your hub; thank you for writing about something of substance and it does matter!


Elizabeth 4 years ago

I was born with a cleft palate and lip and was basically left to die by my birth mother. When my parents found me. I was six weeks old and had lost 3/4 of my birth weight, weighing less then four pounds.

As I got older, part of my hated my birth mother for leaving me. I kept thinking, if my own mother didn't want me, why would anyone else. Then there were other times I wanted to find her, ask her why she left me. I already know why due to my birth defect but still I'd want to hear it from her own lips.

It's a struggle between hate and desire to know who she was. I don't know why, but I have this old feeling she was a teen mom. I don't know why? I just do. Maybe it's easier to believe that she was young and couldn't take care of me, instead of just leaving me to die.

P.S I was born in the Ukraine which is why I say my birth mom left me to die.


Maybach 4 years ago

Hi this is Maybach I would like to file a civil law suit against the country of Germany. I am Romanian and I was adopted and abandon. I found one of the person's in the home and she works at one of my businesses called Hanes Brand person named Amber he is actually a man with equipment. I have not received any child alimony. I would like to know which branch of government to contact today please. please visit 1116 5 Avenue Drive West Palmetto Florida 34221 off of US 301


Sue 4 years ago

I just found my son. his adoptive parents are both dead. We are trying to get my son`s birth certificate changed to the original with my and his father`s names. We do not want to change his adoptive last name because he has childern and it would really be opening a can of worms not to mention all the legal stuff to go through to do it. We are not finding any one that has ever taken the adoptive parents off the amended birth certificate and replaced it with the birth parents.

Has any one ever heard of doing this before?


carl 4 years ago

I found my birth parents, 11 years ago. They are the most wonderful people you would ever want to know. I thank God for them. I am so bless to have 4 parents who love me. Love is what we need more of in the world. I have four real parents, not two.


JenJen0703 profile image

JenJen0703 4 years ago from Cereal City U.S.A.

I just met my biological daughter on Saturday, who I put up for adoption 18 years ago. I highly recommend that birth parents and children find each other, or questions you want answers to can never be answered.


Zara McCord 4 years ago

I have just found a DNA result of my mothers and a man presumalby my birth father and myself, at the moment i have a stand in Father really and i dont know my real father i have done research but unable to frind my birth Father.

What shall i do ?


Me 4 years ago

Its nice to read from some adopted people that they have peace with both parents. My daughter is adopted. We have contact with biomom, and sometimes I don't think its good for her. Unfortunately, my daughter spent a lot of time in the systtem and when I adopted her she knew biomom very well because the state gave them weekly visits. I worry all the time that when she grows up, shell leave and go live with biomom. Biomom is very needy, uses people, and hangs out with some terrible people. She's sometimes rude and disrespectful to me.


Surprise 4 years ago

A few weeks ago, I was contacted on a social networking site by a young lady who was wondering if I was her father. She was adopted as an infant by friends of her birth mother, who I dated before her birth. Once she turned 18, her birth mother provided her with my name, but no location. Her birth mother broke up with me suddenly and moved away, never informing me of the pregnancy.

Anyway, the child lives within a few hours' drive and wants to meet me and my family. I have agreed and look forward to the prospect of finding out about our new young friend.

Has anyone been through a similar situation? I don't want to screw up our first meeting. So far, all contact has been via e-mail.


princess2012 4 years ago

hi! i found out i'm adopted since i was 16 but i accidentally just found out about it. i think my mom has no intentions for me to know. and ever since then my mom and i aren't well of understanding each other. i always think why would she ever understand since she's not my real mother at all/ i know sometimes i have mistakes too but how? how can i understand her? it's just not a mutual feeling. this past few days she and i aren't talking to each other. i think i'm getting used to it. and i wanna ask her who is my biological mother but it might hurt her feelings what should i do? thank you :)


Watkins Lady profile image

Watkins Lady 4 years ago Author

No I believe there are lots of happy well adjusted people who were adopted. Unfortunately, I think it must be the bitter people who need to express their feelings in places like youtube. The happy people are too busy living their lives!


Baby X 4 years ago

I don't normally post on these sites but recent events have shaken my core to the point where I actually started researching about adoption and adopted people reaching out to their birth parents. The reason doing so is because I don't know if it's normal to feel so heartbroken.

My story: When my parents were teens in 1972 they got pregnant with me. Both were part of large Catholic families whose siblings attending Catholic HS together. My birth mothers (BM) parents were very strict and I've always heard that my BM's mom, ran the household and was one of the those woman who were very concerned with how "people looked at her family" and was really an un-nice person. That being said, my BM tried to hide her pregnancy for months, wearing tight jeans, whatever she had to. It was a priest at the school who finally told the parents of each side of the family what was going on.

With that, my BM's parents sent my BM to a home for unwed parents and tried having me adopted out to strangers behind my dad's parents' backs. Once my grandparents on my dad's side found this out, they went to court and fought a custody battle to adopt me themselves as they had no intention of not having me in their lives being their first grandbaby. I lived in foster care for almost a year while this battle went on.

See, the parents of my BM never wanted me found out and never wanted anyone to know "the shame" of what happened. They knew that with my dad's family living right down the street, I would be very accessible to my BM. Once my dad's family was awarded custody, my grandmother never kept my BM from me. She would have to sneak over to our house to see me so that her parents would not know. I know she saw me several times in her young years, as i do have photos, although few and far between. She did this until I was around 5 years old.

I didn't see her again until I was 10. Then it was when I was 19 and we made contact again. One of my Uncles knew I had a desire to see her and he located one of my aunts on her side and passed along my contact info. She did call me, we both cried and made plan to meet. This was in 1991. I learned I had a two year old little sister and I also met her. My fiancé (then my boyfriend) always knew of my adoption story, as I was never secret and I have grown up knowing the story my entire life and how her family fought to get rid of me. He joined me during this meeting and when my BM saw me she cried and hugged me and she was emotional. I tried to be more stoic. I met my stepfather and we all had lunch.

We kept in contact via phone and they also came to visit us when my fiancé and I moved a few hours away from home, to attend college. We had house off campus and they came to visit us there. She would send Christmas presents and pictures of my little sisters (she was pregnant again maybe a year after meeting me). Our contact sort of phased out as I felt everytime I called her she wasn't interested. I tried to keep in touch but just wasn't hearing from her like I had hoped.

A few years later, we graduated from college and moved to California where I began working. I was thinking about her and knew my little sisters were older and wanted to talk to her. I mustered up my courage and called her house. Her husband answered. Figuring since I met him and my name is unusual, I casuall said this "my name, is my mom there". Long story short he acted at first like he didn't know who I was and then when realized it, he asked "what can we do for you". As if I ever, ever asked for anything. I was stunned. I simply told him "nothing I just wanted to talk to my mom". when she called me back, it was uncomfortable and defensively, before i could be rejected, I told her to never contact me again. This was in 1998.

In 2007, I again swallowed my pride and reached out. I had a desire to try and patch things up with her and possibly have a relationshiop. I was not expecting her to play mom, as I already had a mom, my biological grandmother and my BF was also in my life a lot since his parents raised me. I was raised in a very large family and my uncles took me in as their little sister and to my aunt i am her sister and their kids, although my cousins call me Auntie. They know the story but see me as their Aunt either way. That being said, although I had this large family, because i knew of my BM, remembered her, had started several times at having a relationshiop with her, it was something I desired in pursing and meeting my little sisters. I wanted to know what they were like. This time my BM was not emotional at all. She seemed like she didn't care. I never asked to call her mom and when we first started talking one of the first things she said to me was "well I don't know what you want from me, I don't feel comfortable with a middle aged woman calling me mom". It just seemd so cold to me. The next few years were emotional, for me, as she would not open up her heart at all. I suppose I am/was a stranger to her but I was trying to provide an opportunity to her to change that. My fiancé and I, who they met in 1991, made a trip to visit them in 2008 in the midwest over Thanksgiving holiday. I cried when i saw her, she did not. My little sisters were excited and it was a good weekend. I really thought we could continue to move forward, but still, her care was lacking. I had told her I had a desire to meet the other side of the family. i knew I had a lot of cousins and at least 5-6 Aunts and an Uncle. Our communication became less and less and i kept trying to reach out and asked her if she loved and cared about me and simply told me "i have love in my heart for you, but i don't feel a bond for you". She sends xmas presents, again, but substance was lacking.

I spoke to her last weekend and she became irritated when I told her I reached out to the cousin that was born after me. I just didn't want to continue behind her back because I know her family has always kept me a secret. She told me that i'm pursuing our relationship with much more interest than she has. She told me she does not care to put in the effort that I put in and that we should cut off communication. She was so cold, I could not believe it. I knew she was guarded but did not know she felt THAT way about me. She told me "I am NOT your mom! You had two parents (both died in the last few years), you were adopted and I can't give you what you are looking for"! I simply wanted to be friends with and at leas have a dialogue and a starting point upon which we could build, but I sure found out she wasn't interested in putting in any effort. She told me she didn't think we should talk, she couldn't tell me she cared about me and I told her there are so many BM out there would be honored to have their kids reach out to them and she yelled "well i'm sorry that i don't fit that mold for you"! She just kept saying "I'm just being honest with you, this is why I hesitated reciprocating the initial contac. I was afraid of another let down and that this would happened again". Except she wasn't saying it kindly. Again, I was shocked. I got so upset by her continued awful words that I started hyperventilating and my fiancé had to take the phone. He has seen what this has done to me for several years. He asked her if and when we have a child, since she no longer wanted anything to do with me, would she at least want to know her biological granchild. With that she told him she thought about that before and decided "no".

I feel so stupid and so heartbroken that I have tried so hard to build something with this woman and to find out, from her own words that she just doesn't care and is uninterested and furthermore uninterested in knowing about her grandchild. I just can't believe we wanted to include her in our lives and give her the privelage of someday being a grandmother. I hear so many stories about parents who had to put their kids up for adoption and many of them would give anything for their kids to welcome them to share in their life. I'm afraid how lack of interest in me will affect my relationship with my little


Joesy Shmoesy profile image

Joesy Shmoesy 4 years ago from New England

Thanks for sharing. Great Hub, and you have inspired some great discussions from all points of view. Being an adoptive mom I really appreciate hearing from all sides. Thanks Watkins Lady, and thanks to all of the people that commented!


scoobydoo 4 years ago

Hi, i've just met my adopted son after waiting 30years, he finally got the courage to find me, as i did'nt know a thing about him. He was over the moon when i sent him a mail, and we met up.Things were great we got on really well, he had told me he had always thought about me but was worried to find me in case i di'nt want to know!! I have always thought about him too, so anyway we met up, spent a couple of hours together, as i live in another country, I even got to be with him for an hour on his birthday which was wonderful. I could'nt stop hugging him and just looking at him all the time we were together. But now i am back home, he seems to be pushing me away, saying i'm getting too involved!! how can that be when i only get to see him for an hour after 3 months....he says he has other family issues...i understand that, but when i come from another country and cannot get to spend an hour with him, its just so frustrating, i thought he was so happy to have me back in his life....i feel like a used toy to be honest...he has known from an early age that he was adopted and saw his birth certificate, so knew how to contact me. He has had a great ubrininging and i have praised his parents (not personally) but to him. I just don't know how to feel anymore...i am getting to think i should of been one of these BM who does'nt want to know about her son. Maybe it would of been less painful. He says he still wants to get to know me and have me in his mlife, but how is that possible if when i'm over he doe'snt have time for me ;-( I'm sorry if i'm not making much sense, all i ever wanted was to get on, and have a lovely relationship, i give him space, i don't interefer, and yet he turns around and says we should tone it -done.....if we tone it done from and hour evry 3 months or so, how can we get to know each other? I was badly hurt over the easter, as i came over and he kept making excuses, then when he finally said ok to met for an hour, i felt as though he did'nt want to be there, that is was like an obligation, then when i left to go back home he did'nt even text me to say goodbye or have a safe trip...i felt so hurt, then 4 days after that, when i sent him a message, he wrote back saying he doe'snt have time to worry about my feelings at the moment...i don't want to lose him again, but i cannot let myself get hurt again either. It may start off rosy but then it can turn just after a couple of months, so please go careful and don't get too sentimentale like i did, because it hurts alot ;-(


4 years ago

I don't know if I want to meat them or not I'm 16 and I'm happy with my mom and dad but I still want to meat me birth parents


Karen 4 years ago

I found my birth parents four years ago. At first I only wanted to know about medical back ground. When I found out that I had a brother and two sisters I wanted to meet them since I was raised as an only child. I have seen their photos on Facebbok and have sent them messages but there has being no contact. It is killing me. I don't want anything from them. I have a wonderful family and I have everything that I need except my blood brother and sisters. I am hoping that some day that my kids will be able to meet their cousins and I can stop the lying saying that they don't have any relatives on my side.


CarlySullens profile image

CarlySullens 4 years ago from St. Louis, Missouri

I am an adoptee who sought and found both my birth mother and birth father. I experienced the phenomenon called genetic sexual attraction. It is not well known that when family members reunite in adulthood and did not have the opportunity to form those primary bonds they can be attracted to each other. Without understanding, help and support these attractions can become sexual. It happens between parent and child and reunited siblings and half siblings. It is something that people need to know before they reunite. I know because it happen to me, and I had no idea that this phenomenon existed until I found my way struggling with feelings I never thought I would have to struggle with all because of the adoption.


Me 4 years ago

Anyone have any advice for an adoptive mother trying to keep an open adoption going with BioMom, but BioMom is making is quite difficult with her rude comments and lies to my young daughter... BioMom told my adopted daughter on our last visit about how the "evil people called social workers stole" her and that's why they don't live together. Well, BioMom was abusive and refused to take care of my daughter... I've always said I think adopted children should be able to keep contact if they want, but I really wish I had made different rules...maybe only done contact later in life when my daughter is older...


Jennifer 4 years ago

Many adoptees seek to meet and develop a relationship with their biological family. Not all adoptees do, but it is completely normal for those who do. Meeting one's biological family answers questions related to identity, as well as the biological family's reasons for placing them. Discouraging adoptees from seeking their biological family is cruel and unethical. It is up to the adoptee to define the relationships in their life. They are not betraying their adoptive parents by seeking answers to questions that may be haunting them.

I understand the cautionary overtone to your post. Reunions between adoptees and their birthfamilies are emotionally charged. I would recommend seeking professional counseling to help navigate this sensitive and important relationship. However, the suggestion that the adoptees birthfamily may not want to have a relationship with them is actually unlikely. Research indicates that 96% of birthmothers interviewed stated that they WOULD WANT a reunion with their birthchild. (Ganson, H., Ph.D. & Cook, J., Ph.D.. (1986) "The open records controversy: a woman's issue" and Deykin, E., Ph.D.. (1982) "The post adoption experience of surrendering parents". American Journal of Orthopsychiatry).

What is much more likely is that the birthfamily and adoptee will have difficulty processing the emotions related to the relinquishment and adoption and that it will take time to negotiate a new relationship. Both parties must understand and use healthy emotional boundaries. Thus, my recommendation for professional counseling for the entire adoption triad.


mominnc 4 years ago

i have a 13 yr. old daughter that was gave up for adoption and has wrote me letters saying she wants to visit me but the adopted mom dont want me to have anything to do with her she just wants me to back off what should/can i do


Jean 3 years ago

I was separated from my sister for 12 years. I was 12 years old when she was born. My Mother would not let me have anything to do with her. I left home at 18 and my mother disowned me. This just about drove me insane, as I loved my little sister. Turns out my mother was schizophrenic.

Now, I am faced with another horrible situation. My 19 year old son died and left behind a baby. I knew nothing of the child until the day of his death. The baby was adopted out. I believe I could have adopted the child myself. Let's just say I had no support from my family and was told I'd be raising it alone. I had just lost my son and did not fight hard enough to get this baby. I was in terrible grief. I never want this child to think she was unwanted. I wanted her with all my heart. And I know that if we ever meet, some part of her will never trust me. I could have raised her and loved her. How I thought she'd be better off with somebody else, I don't know. All I can do now is save money for her future. Maybe she will need it for school. Perhaps somebody else can learn from this.


To BABYX 3 years ago

BABYX----I do hope you see this. You are one lucky girl to have people in your life who cared enough to raise you. I know how you feel about your mother. I have learned the hard, hard way that it's not always about me. Your mother has her own problems, and you must thank God for the wonderful people who raised you. I am sure, so sure that you must have been the light of their lives. The day will come when your sisters will want to know you. You must put this hurt behind you as best you can. This is not about you. I have been there in a different kind of way. Rejected by my mother for years. She was mentally sick. But, not knowing this, I made it about me. Not good. Just move on. Your day will come.


Clyde 3 years ago

If a birth mother doesn't want to be contacted by there birth mother.Don't pursue .If the child was giving up by choice to a wonderful set of parents ,then that is your Father & mother.Also, why would you want to tell a child there adopted.I may be old school.The past is the past,i don't live there anymore & all you may be doing is opening Pandora's box


megan 3 years ago

If birth parents get to choose, why don't adult adoptees get the same choice? I should have every right to know my birth families information. I understand that some birth parents rather not have any contact with the child/children they gave up, cool but that does not give them or anyone the right to withhold an adult adoptees personal records from them. If your not an adoptee then you have NO idea how it feels!!

Q: How does it feel to be adopted? A: EMPTY

I was adopted as a baby and do not know my birth family. I have spent many many years trying to find something, anything about them and myself but nothing. The main reason I want to locate my birth parents is to tell them, " Thank you! I love you so much and y'all couldn't have chosen a better family for me to be a part of. " - Megan Jean.


jerrijayne 3 years ago

its really sad that birth mothers refuse to talk to their adopted children. my three kids were adopted in 2001 my daughter is 15 and ill make sure i register with every adoption site so she knows how much i really love her and miss her! i was very young just 15 when i had my first and didnt really understand the parental role! and i really tried to look after them after suffering post natal depression and anxiety attacks i fought for them till nearly my very last breath! i do hope they return with the same love but i dont think they will they have a mother and i know she would have given them a good life but id like the chance to be a mother to them again the love a mother has never goes away. so if you do decide to get intouch its worth it for some because if most birth parents feel like i do for my kids! its double love good luck take care!


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Watkins Lady 3 years ago Author

I hope it all goes well for you jerrijayne!


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radhikasree 3 years ago from Mumbai,India

A touching story! Nicely put up!


Michael Schuster 2 years ago

YES get ahold of them if YOU can find them. MY birthday is JUNE-21-1959. I was found on the steps of a infant home on JUNE-24-1959. The infant home was run by the Catholic church in Lackawanna NY. IM ADOPTEE AND I HAVE NO RIGHT TO NO WHO I AM. I WISH MY birth mother would come forward to let ME no who I AM. Then MY life would be complete. THANK YOU FOR READING MY NOTE. LIKE AND SHARE


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BabyGirl Stephens 2 years ago

Comments from some of the adoptive parents here are shocking. I think this speaks partially to the incredibly poor advice given out in prior decades, but to willingly participate in a closed adoption, and then be surprised/hurt when your adult child searches and goes through the very normal honeymoon stage of reunion - I really think some education/counseling on adoption reunion needs to be sought. Infatuation is to be expected for a certain amount of time....reality will set in after a while and things will go back to normal.

I think some of you might also be surprised that although you did the expected "told my child he was adopted" and even went what you consider the extra mile with "I'll help you search someday", your unspoken fear/insecurity/negativity about their now-real reunion will still be visible to your child. Is it surprising that they would then tend to spend an increasing amount of time with people who don't give off a disapproving vibe, whether that's a birthparent, a romantic interest, etc?

I'm also a bit curious about those who openly stated they wish they'd never offered to help - do you truly feel your child would never have wondered or searched if you hadn't brought it up? Do you think your relationship with them would be better if upon expressing their needs, they'd felt disapproval from you, rather than acceptance and support?

Regarding the post itself, I do take exception to this statement: "If your birth mother or father are open to meeting you that's great. Keep in mind that your relationship with them could become very special but they will never be "your parents". That title and honor only goes to the people who raised you. No matter what type of realtionship you have with your adopted parents, they will always be your real Mom and Dad."

Each person defines the role of others in their life, and how it's appropriate to refer to them. Some may decide to refer to in-laws as Mom & Dad, some only the parents that raised them, and still others may feel that adoptive and natural parents, step parents, foster parents, etc. deserve those titles in their life. If a father died when his child was an infant, and the child was subsequently raised by another man, would you tell that child that their deceased parent wasn't a "real" parent? I don't appreciate people on either side of the debate telling me who is "real" and "not real" in my life. I happen to have four completely REAL parents in my life.

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