The 10 Types of Parents-UNRELENTING PARENTS, Part 4/5
What TYPE of Parent Are YOU
In Parts 1/5-3/5 of this hub, I have spoken about the ultramodern, moderate, and traditional parent types. Now in part 4/5 of this hub, I will describe in detail, the unrelenting parening types.
IV. UNRELENTING PARENTS
(7) The Unbending/Autarchist Parent-Unbending/autarchist parents believe in the traditional parent-child role in its oppressive extreme. They as a parents are the LAW in their households. As parents, they believe in the strict hierarchy of the family. They as parents are the head and masters of their families while children are at the bottom. Children are viewed as commodities and possessions, not individual beings with their own minds, desires, and beliefs.
Unbending/Autachist parents view children to be in an inferior status to that of the parents. They maintain that the family has a preordained,hierarchical order to it with the parents being at the top while the children are at the bottom of this hierarchy. They find that the quasiequal relationship that exists between parents and children in more modern families to be totally absurd. They further assert that this quasiequal parent-child relationship is unnatural. They staunchly believe that there is no equality between a parent and a child. In their estimation, they are the adults who have wider life experience and knowledge than the child who is there to just listen and learn from them.
Unbending/Autachist parents see children as blank receptacles to be inculcated according to the former's wishes. These are parents who staunchly believe that their children are their property. A child to them is someone they can mold. The concept that children are individuals with different personalities and/or characteristics is a total anathema to such parents. They subscribe to the notion that as long the children are in THEIR home, they had better obey and abide by THEIR rules if they want to live there. In other words, their way or the highway.
Unbending/Autachist parents are the parents who believe in blind and unquestioning obedience. They contend that as parents, they know and their children should follow their guidance. They maintain that children are not cognizant enough to have an opinion or to make decisions for themselves. There is no concept of democracy and/or freedom in such homes. The home environment resembles a totalitarian regime. In their estimation, that is what parents are for. Parents are to be the protectors, teachers, and initiators in the relationship.
Unbending/Autachist parents believe that the function of children are to be as inconspicuous as possible. They believe that the best child is a untroublesome child who does what he/she is told and is otherwise pleasing and compliant to them. They contend that children do not have the right to question what they do. After all, they are the parent and the dominant one in the relationship. They further maintain who does the child think he/she is and he/she should stay in a child's place so to speak. They have taken the old adage that a child should be seen and not heard to a whole other level. Children who ask questions and/or exhibit an assertive or independent nature is often viewed as defiant and/or rebellious and this is not tolerated at all. Such children are seen as extremely troublesome by these parents.
Unbending/Autachist parents use EXCESSIVE and INORDINATE CONTROL as means of raising their children. The phrase excessive and/or inordinate control is not a bad phrase to such parents. They feel that this type of control is a good thing. In their eyes, children must be controlled and be made to fit into the former's paradigm. They contend that the household has to have organization and structure. They assert that parents are the CEOs of this structure and they make the rules that children are to comply with. They also believe that children's instincts have to curbed in order to make them more acceptable and/or befitting to the particular family structure. They maintain that if children given some leniency, they will subsequently be uncontrollable and ultimately detrimental to a well-functioning family unit.
Unbending/Autachist parents see unadulterated power as another afterthought of this control. They are not above using upmanship, gamesmanship, and/or other means of emotional, psychic, and/or psychological means in order to have their children comply to their demands and wishes. They believe that unadulterated power is one of the components of being a parent. They are of the school that parents in one way or another use this power regarding interacting with their children. They assert that this type of power is a given and second nature in the parent-child relationship. They maintain that any parent who do not use unadulterated power regarding their relationship with their children is either lying to themselves or totally amiss.
Unbending/Autachist parents maintain that if they do not enforce power and establish hegemony over their children, they will lose respect in the eyes of their children. They assert that it is the duty of parents to garner respect from their children in any way they can. Regarding the issue of respect, they believe that their children should give them the utmost respect; however, it is seldom or never reciprocated to their children. They feel that parents do not have to respect their children whatsoever. The thought of that in their minds is totally perplexing to say the least. While their children must defer, obey, and respect them, they believe that as parents, they have total carte blanche over their lives.
Unbending/Autachist view parenting as akin to running a corporation or the military. They believe that they as the parents are there to teach and inculcate their children regarding their particular paradigm. They believe the parents are first class citizens while their children are their inferiors whose function is to listen and obey them. They maintain that their children are merely appendages of them and do not possess the prerequisite knowledge to be considered to be individuals in their own right.
Children raised in such an environment do not have a closeness with their parents. They feel as if they are in the military. They are often insignificant in the family. They are not self-starters because they were inculcated with the premise of strict adherence to authority and any form of dissension is not tolerated. They learn to be overly attached to those in authority. They also learn that they are powerless over their own lives. However, there are other children who rebel against these severe parental strictures. They strongly assert their individuality and independence to their parents at every opportunity. Many also leave the parental home in order to fully express themselves and to be the individuals they were meant to be.
(8) The Harsh/Critical Parent-Harsh/critical parents believe nothing their children do is ever good enough. They contend that there is always room for improvement. They are of the school that children must have constant reinforcement in order to be fully functioning. They assert that their children are always doing something that needs to be corrected in one form or another.
Harsh/critical parents maintain that children ought to be as well-behaved as possible. They are askance at the fact that children will experiment and make mistakes as part of their development. These parents find any type of mistakes, especially the more minute and insgnificant ones, to be quite unnerving. They contend that their children should be reasonable and intelligent enough not to make what the former believe to be silly mistakes.
Harsh/critical parents are advocates in the constant use of corrections in order to make their children be proficient. It seems that they are only pleased when their children are perfect or near perfect as possible. Although their children may do the very best they can, to these parents, it is simply not good enough. They contend that if their children made more effort, they would do better.
Harsh/critical parents maintain that by constantly critiquing their children that the latter will always be vigilant regarding their actions. They further believe that they are toughening their children so that they can be competent in society. They contend that by clarifying out their children's shortcomings, they will become proficient people and anticipate their evolving to a higher level.
Harsh/critical parents are oftentimes highly impatient and exacting parents who believe that their children should be at a certain level whether they have the capacity to be so or not. They can be extremely dismissive and/or unforgiving if a child is unable to reach the proficiency that they deem to be desirable. They will resort to corrective actions which many people consider to be verbally abusive.
Harsh/critical parents can be very unforgiving towards their children if they fill that the latter misses their mark. They consider their children to be totally inept or worse. They cannot separate the act from the child. If their child fails at something, the child is considered to be a failure as if it is a permanent condition in his/her life. They are of the school that it is no excuse not to always be successful.
Harsh/critical parents are habitually observing more of what their children are doing wrong than what they are doing right. They feel that it is totally futile to praise children because they are supposed to be doing things correctly. To these parents, this should be automatic behavior on the part of the child. They further insist that if children are praised, they tend to become comfortable and remain in their particular comfort zone. They contend that praise oftentimes make their children conceited and otherwise egotistic so they either curtail the praise or keep it to an absolute minimum.
Harsh/critical parents often shame and/or belittle their children in order for them to correct their behavior. They believe that using harsh corrective methods are an integral of positive discipline. They maintain that if a child is shamed and/or belittled enough, he/she will have the sense to change his/her errant behavior and/or mistakes. They assert that their children, in the eyes, are not apt enough to make errors, then they will be shocked into reality by being made aware of his ineptinude.
Harsh/critical parents believe that mistakes are a personal affront to them. They refuse to acknowledge that mistakes are a part of human nature and the growth process. They want their children to be perfect as that is equated to be harmonious and easy. A child who makes mistakes in their eyes is equated to be troublesome and inharnonious. They want a child who is as self-contained as possible and self-containment means perfect and utterly competent.
Harsh/critical parents have an idealized image of their children as to what they should be, not what they actually are. They consider their children's actual image to be flawed in one way or another. They see their children's actual image as unappealing and want their children to reach their ideal of what they should be. They simply cannot accept their children as they are but are constantly correcting their children to conform to their perceived image.
Harsh/critical parents are of the school that their children are reflections of them and if they err, that means that they are inefficient parents. In their eyes, efficient parents do not raise children who make mistakes. Efficiency in these parents' eyes is equivalent to control. A child who makes mistakes is seen as uncontrollable as well as being perceived to be undisciplined. So they attempt to exercise control by correcting the child by making him/her to be as highly efficient and perfect as possible.
Harsh/critical parents view parenting as keeping up an image. They believe that their children are a reflection of them. In order to present a good image, their child must be as perfect and self-contained as possible. Part of this perfection and self-containment decrees an extreme level of competency which means very little or no mistakes. If their child makes a mistake, these parents feel that it is a negative reflection upon them. They are intolerant of mistakes because those mistakes interfere with their idealize perception of themselves as perfect parents.
Chlidren raise in such environments are quite fearful and risk aversive. They are afraid to try new things less they fail at a task. They believe themselves to be incompetent each time they make a mistake, not knowing that mistakes are a learning process and an intergral part of life. They also avoid things which they perceive to be difficult, believing that they will not accomplish the task at hand. They feel that they are insignificant because they equate themselves to the amount of errors and mistakes made in their lives. Other children ignore such parents, trying new things, failing, learning from the experience and moving on. They refuse to judge themselves by the mistakes they make. They realize that failure is part of success and one cannot often succeed without failing sometimes. They maintain that many highly successful people fail and/or make mistakes at some time in their lives.
© 2013 Grace Marguerite Williams
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