The Journey to the Woman I am Today.............Part IV, the finale

Amish Horse & Buggy
Amish Horse & Buggy
Amish wives & mothers
Amish wives & mothers
Amish precious.
Amish precious.

Pondering and Wondering ....

Driving through Amish Country, which I do quite often, never ceases to give me time and reason to entertain some pretty deep thoughts. In all seriousness, for me, it's as spiritual an experience as I would hope for.

The breathtaking scenery, in spite of or because of the simplicity everywhere, and the powerful aura of serenity, immediately begin to hypnotize and soothe the senses. Whatever web of anxiety may have weighed you down, it all appears to dissipate with ease, in these seemingly sacred surroundings.

This is when my mind drifts into a realm of possibilities, had my fate, played out much differently, thus far in life.....What if I'd been born into an Amish family and lifestyle......if I'd been raised and groomed by a community of this staunch religious sect that shuns the outside world? ........

The moment I emerge from this foreign, yet captivating environment, abruptly replaced, by the crossroads of two busy rural towns......I am rudely awakened by that outside world and back to being of that world. Fortunately, no one is any the wiser, for my private day dreams.

Wisdom & Truth
Wisdom & Truth
My love for you will see us through.
My love for you will see us through.

Reality of the Outside World

Positive affirmations have their time and place when they are useful and encouraging. I have been grateful for the comforting words of inspiration, spoken and written by those with compassion and deep understanding of grief and heartbreak.

There most surely have been times in my life when I've reached out for comfort.....groping for a hand to hold or perhaps a shoulder to lean upon. Those times when words could soothe me and give me hope.

The sudden and unexpected loss of the Love of my life, was not one of those times. Brutally ripped from my very essence, I could not use my senses......I could not see in total blackness, sounds merely echoed through my hollowness and the stench of death was sickening.

As I would embrace my babies, I knew they felt my lifeless arms...saw a head, without a face. The sorrow that I felt for boys had lost their loving Daddy.......I had a need to be for them, all things I could not be.

Although the storm raged all around me....flooding out my strength.... from somewhere very deep within, I'm sure I heard a whisper.... "get up, sad girl.....learn to dance in the rain."

Sunrise greets the dawn
Sunrise greets the dawn

Time will not be pushed ahead nor forced to stand still.

It's true, so true. Time marches on, to it's own beat, consistently, with no unique regard. It passes by and waits for no one. Move along or be left behind. Few choices, I know, but it is what it is.

How many times have you pulled yourself up and brushed off the dirt and looked straight ahead? Did I hear you say, you've lost count? That's quite all right, for there's no time to look back or go over the past. It just doesn't matter. We're moving onward and upward, so, shake off the trance and breathe in deeply of fresh new air.

Alone, I learned to live again and throw my all into moving forward. My journey, after all, awaited my particpation. I had no right to self indulgence nor self-pity. My body moved, my mind in tow, to heal my heart, so that wholeness might return.

The blessing of my friends and family, a constant presence and source of strength, were priceless to my quest. My sister, so supportive, patient and vigilant was a vital connection between myself and sanity.

For seven years, we lived and loved and carried on, to find the joy of growth that belonged to us. Focusing on happiness and building toward a life of value, my sons and I had walked through walls of steel, that served to strengthen our resolve.

On some occasions, I was forced to see that children often guide the parent. Maturity has a way of setting in, long before expected, when young ones realize the need for independence and responsibility. Our bond became one of allegiance to one another and protection of our progress.

As fate would take the helm, once we'd sailed along those seven years....we met and welcomed a new Captain aboard. Would he be the reward we deserved for years of steadfast hope? He fit right in and gave his heart and chose the role of hero.

It was time I took the steps to allow us to be a blended family, and pool our goals and dreams. No one was more surprised than me, to find I could believe again....and release my heart to someone else......that I could be a wife again.

For the first time in so very long, I felt a needed sons were giddy with delight. I could not have been more elated to give them two baby brothers.....who filled so many voids we'd had. And there we were, the six of woman, one man, four precious boys.

I'm weary now, of tales of sadness and disappointment and suppose that you are too. So I'll just make this short and sweet......that's pretty much what it deserves. One dozen years of hills and valleys, paved with ruts and bumps, the Captain and I parted ways. Sad but necessary. I resigned myself to understand what hit me in the face.

To those who claimed in sympathy, so many years ago, that God had taken my precious Fred......might they now suggest it was the Devil who stole our Captain? I tend to think it's not that quaint, but it's something I might consider, as I move along.

ROARING is easy for Queen of the Jungle
ROARING is easy for Queen of the Jungle
Yes!  I can do it!
Yes! I can do it!
You GO, Mom!
You GO, Mom!

Was it I who said, "Our Journey makes us who we are?"

Step aside and guard yourself. I'm coming through with guts and wisdom this time, oh big bad world. I've a force you dare not halt. My tears are gone, my resolve is impenetrable. I'm prepared to challenge all I meet, the good, the bad, the rest.

I will sieze my share of joy and love and peace. What's rightfully mine....what we're all meant to have. You can come along and watch me soar, or turn your back and close your eyes. By the time you awaken, I'll be out of sight.....for I am woman, hear me roar. As I recall, it was my Dad, who told the world long ago, his baby daughter was a hungry lioness. A comment or prediction? I believe, my friend, the latter.

As the sole-surviving member of my original birth family, I had sat in sorrowful vigil at the bedside of my beloved only sibling, my best friend, as she took her last breath. I held tightly, to her tiny hand, as I stroked her head, talking softly of how much she'd always meant to me. I need to believe she heard these last words of mine.....although in life, she always knew how much I loved her and always would.

Just 2 days short of three months later, I found myself aside the death-bed of our 82 year old mother. Just me and my Mom, alone in a dimly-lit room, she quietly passed. I rested my head on her belly that bore me, six decades ago......and my sobs shattered the silence of her big, old house.

They're gone now, my family of origin....each one of them, gone......leaving me alone. Alone and empty, to miss them every day, with an unrelenting ache.

For every death, there is a birth, for each failure, a victory may come....and for each door that closes, another will open.

I am who I am, as my journey tells the tale. We each leave the footprints that memorialize. From the heights that we reach, to the depths we may fall, life comes full circle with numerous bends. We search for roads that lead us to our destiny. What grows and continues within the midst of this circle, creates our legacy, for loved ones to treasure.

When my life is nearing the end of my heart will be happy, my mind at peace...for I thrived through trials, with a courage to be.....clinging always to hope and belief in Love's eternal life.....

I've been blessed with so much, I am humbled and proud. I'm in awe of magnificence where ever I walk. To think of my fortunes, softens the hurts and for that which was taken, gifts come back other ways. This is reality for me and for you. The best can be hoped for....the worst, we must balance, so we land on our feet. There's no other way to take step after step, to continue the journey, that begins with our birth.


This is the final of my 4-Part series of "The Journey to the Woman I am Today."

I sincerely thank you for reading and hope it may have touched you in parts of your own life.

This series is lovingly dedicated to the sweet Memory of my Beloved Grandson, Johnathan Joseph, whose story you may read via the following link"

Free Tears & Goosebumps here

Discover Happiness

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Comments 68 comments

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 9 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Each of us, in any way possible, try to find the reasons behind our pain and suffering. We could all save ourselves the huge struggle and simply understand from the start. There are rarely reasons. Life just IS as it is.

shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 9 months ago from Texas

I can't say for sure that everything happens for a reason, but I can say that there is something positive to be gained from every experience. I think we all can choose to make life what we want. To make the best by pushing forward or to continue to suffer. You not only went forward, but became someone incredibly strong and beautiful. I've witnessed your kindness and compassion in comments to others as well as personally. And a career of helping others too. That kind of character is a positive and though it started young, I am sure it kept developing through all of the grief.

Hugs. Thanks for sharing your story.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

DJ......Sometimes it takes one mishap or stroke of bad luck and suddenly it simply snow balls. We can't figure out where to run to get away from the avalanche.

So, basically, things went OK for your son with a small glitch. Could have gone better, but I'm sure you're all relieved it didn't go worse. Always hope for the best. We Moms simply cannot help but worry and be concerned........comes with the job. When he really gets started, he'll be able to tell you more about the whole situation and that should make you a little more relaxed.

Yes, life can be terribly harsh......and also pretty awesome sometimes. I don't know, DJ....isn't everything "relative?" Those lucky, privileged few.......the skaters.....can it really go on forever and ever?

Good to hear from you. Do something extra nice for DJ today. You deserve it.... Paula

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DJ Anderson 2 years ago

It has been a most difficult week. Some good news came as we found out Friday, that I did not need surgery.

My son and the company talked throughout the week but unfortunately, they reduced the amount of salary offered. When he made the decision to take the job, he could not get through and had to leave a voice mail. Something is not quite right. Hopefully, more info will come forth Monday. Paula, I don't even know what to hope for. For once in my life, I don't feel like I know what is best for my son.

I have read your amazing "Journey...". I tip my hat to you and all that you have had to face, on your journey. I have often wondered why life

has to be so difficult......and even more difficult for some. Others seem to go skating through life, never knowing a hardship or a heartbreak.

Thanks for giving me some time to get my head screwed back on.

You should feel proud of this work.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Jaye.....You have taken my breath away......Bless you, wise and sweet woman. I clearly hear the voice of "experience," in your words. There is such comfort and gratitude in a kinship.

It is impossible to deny that each and every individual who comes into our life, at any given moment, by any means......leaves their footprints next to our own.....Peace, Paula

JayeWisdom profile image

JayeWisdom 2 years ago from Deep South, USA

Paula - A survivor is one who endures the knock-out punches of tragedy, gets up off the floor and finds the strength deep within to go on...even re-learning to embrace life and the joys it still holds. You, my friend, are a true and awesome survivor.

I read the segments of your life journey (so far), smiling in places, but weeping in far too many others. You faced so much adversity, some of it at a young age when most of us still felt invincible, yet you found the courage you needed to carry on--for yourself and your sons. I have no doubt that you will continue to meet life on its terms with that same bravery. Being courageous does not mean that you never shed tears or feel depressed, only that you do not let despair take over your life.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Of course they did. The Universe makes no mistakes.....nor does it allow for "coincidence!"

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 2 years ago from Orlando, FL

Our angels brought us together for a reason...SFAM.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

You have succeeded in bringing tears to my eyes.....You are the amazing one. I am in awe of your tenacity & loyalty.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 2 years ago from Orlando, FL

Amazing. Your journey. Your words. Your strength. You.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

suz....I thank you, sincerely. There's no magic map that takes us through our journey, is there? We all, each and every one of us, travel the roads, hills and valleys with only so much knowledge and direction. What happens from our birth to our death is how we learn, change and grow....and because it's a one-way trip, we only get so much time and so many chances to pave the roads we travel, with what we want for those following behind us. I believe that keeping this in mind, gives us all we need, to do the best we can.

suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 4 years ago from Taos, NM

What a heartwarming story of your life's journey so far. The boys are handsome and precious. You have certainly been through a lot, much more than I have. I don't know how you have faced death so many times and retained your dignity, sanity, and sense of humor. I find you amazing. This is a great article and testament to LIFE!

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Enlydia.....This is good to know. It's important for all of us to realize that no matter how dreadful we may feel life is treating us.....there is someone not far away at all, who suffers even more......

Enlydia Listener profile image

Enlydia Listener 4 years ago from trailer in the country

You are an awesome writer...but such a sad story. It helped me to relook at my life. I complain so much at times, and yet am so blessed.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

You may see it as "feeling badly," for your mother.....and in some way, you do. But what is comes down to, lin, is simple, pure love.

craiglyn profile image

craiglyn 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Yes, as I have been saying since Craig was diagnosed with Cancer "we don't get to choose". It just is! I find myself in the same position with my mother right now, and even though she has been so very difficult, I still feel badly for her.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Oh, what a sweet comment. Thank you, lyn.....I had no idea you would get to read my Journey so soon! Yes, my new friend, some of us have been in the valley a few times,...but we must go on and look up and forward for the ones we love and depend on us....such is life.

craiglyn profile image

craiglyn 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Damn, I can't see through my tears. ((((Paula))))) you are one amazing woman and I am so happy to have found these Hubpages and made your acquaintance. Your strength has endured and you are an inspiration - you make me want to do better. Any more than that I can't say right now - Sincerely, I hope it's enough! Big big hugs for you!

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

True...not literally alone, Mr. Happy, just somewhat empty for a spell.........Thank you for reading and appreciating my Journey.

Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada

"for I am woman, hear me roar" - This White Wolf heard the roar and almost ran looking for cover. On a side note, I do think many women are much stronger in Spirit than most men. I respect and admire that.

"They're gone now, my family of origin....each one of them, gone......leaving me alone." - I was born alone and I will die alone. That's what I say and it simplifies things. I am attached to everything and nothing thus, letting go of anything is easy.

I do not think any of us is ever alone but I guess I am not one to really listen to because I talk to standing people (trees), ravens, ants ... of course I could never see myself alone through this perspective.

"for that which was taken, gifts come back other ways" - Wise words here in my opinion.

This was quite the journey You have taken me through in the last four articles. I sincerely thank You for the opportunity. The knowledge and experiences You have shared with the reader here are price-less, at least for this Hunter of Knowledge.

I wish You as many cheerful and joyful years ahead as You wish yourself.

May Wakan Tanka guide your path!

"Da-na-ho-we-yo." (It has been said.)

"Hoka-hey"! (It is a good day to die!)

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Maria....You must be looking at your own reflection..........................

marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Dear Paula,

I cannot write a comment more powerful than these I have read.

I send you a hug for being you. I will meet you in the Amish country (Lancaster?) and I can tell you in person how you have touched my world. You are beautiful.

Love, Maria

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

there is a link to the hub for my grandson at the end of Part IV..........I think my husband was the cradle snatcher....but I was a young Mommy.......turned just 20, two months after my first son was born......and it's ALLLLLLLLLLL behind me now!! LOL.....

bac2basics profile image

bac2basics 4 years ago from Spain

Oh cradle snatcher you LOL. All I can say is with your good looks and great smile, your lads must be just as handsome, and I just know polite and good people too. Will look out for the tribute to your Granson. Keep smiling that smile love. Anne xx

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

LOL...thank you ...but truth is....I had no pics of all 4 of my sons in my picture file.....those cute men belong to someone else.....but mine are just as gorgeous! Really......and much older, as well....44-42--33-31.......Yes, it seems we have been thru much of the same sorrow and loss.....So, it is easy for me to know your strength and determination too! Smile...

I hope you get a chance to read tribute to my grandson

bac2basics profile image

bac2basics 4 years ago from Spain

Wow Effer...your strength and courage and determination come through loud and clear..just like the lionesses roar you describe. The both of us have been through so much similar tradgedy, but if there´s one thing for sure, we have kept putting that one foot in front of the matter how much effort it took, and we will both keep on doing that until our time comes to stop making the effort. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us all. I wish you all the luck in the world deserve it. Oh and those boy´s of yours..what handsome lad´s they all are. Big hug to you all. Anne xx

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

My book? The chapters are in my head....the value, in my heart. Some things, I don't care to share....any more than the masses care to know.

I'm a tiny dot on this Universe....full of lives laden with pain and sorrow, starvation and cruelties.....I have the right, only to count my blessings and move on. Thank you.

LaThing profile image

LaThing 4 years ago from From a World Within, USA

Your words are so vivid, and beautiful...... Had to read this one too! Life's ups and downs is what makes us strong, and, you are a true Woman! Voting up and beautiful. Waiting for you book.....

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Til...It is my privilege to have found you, sharing graciously on the hillsides of our friendly community....our moments here, for ALL of us, gives us flowers of wonder to add to our bouquets........Peace

Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

Teary and composing myself. Your Journey is a vivid example for people that drown themselves in silly problems. This is the woman that all along was ready to take that bull from life from the horns. Like many of us, we respect you more Paula, and thanks for sharing these stories, that at one moment were held private in your heart. A prayer for the departed and for your own health.


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 4 years ago from New York

You are what a woman is about! You are "strong" you are "invincible" you are woman. You have walked through the vale of tears and come out a wonderful, beautiful person. I am honored and privileged to know you.

To the life you have had you can add fabulous writer. Your heart and soul comes through and I know there isn't a dry eye in the house, seeing what you've endured and yet you are the beautiful, fun, lady you are! God Bless.

Voted across and Shared with my followers.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

rahul0324.....I am truly humbled by your generous and kind words. Strength often comes as a shock to us in times of enormous pain. So much so, that we can only realize it is a force quite larger than a mere mortal can create.

It is this awareness that moves us forward in faith and hope. There is a powerful love that exists in our Universe that surpasses our imagination. Thank you.

rahul0324 profile image

rahul0324 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

I will have to say it Effer... I respect you more... I am in awe of the strength you have... higher in volume than that of many a men

Hat's off to you

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

boomer....I DO believe that they all do watch over us.....I have to. I can't imagine that they are simply gone into a place of nothingness. We need their presence.....and I cannot bear to think they are not within reach.

TheLastBabyBoomer profile image

TheLastBabyBoomer 4 years ago from Surprise Arizona

Dear Paula,

Beauty, ugliness, pride, sadness, honesty, love, loyalty, happiness, heartache, wonder, and perseverance. Bravo my lady, I admire your strength … as I wipe the tears out of my eyes. I am speechless, and in awe of your ability to miraculously take us right there beside you, with your father, your husband, your sister, & your mother. I can feel their warmth and their pride as I am certain they watch over you and your boys.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

You are too kind, Coge, but I do appreciate your complimentary comment. Yeah, I guess I pretty much exposed myself to the world here....when you bare your soul, it's an emotional experience. Sometimes, it has to be matter how long it takes to have the courage.

Cogerson profile image

Cogerson 4 years ago from Virginia

Well I can honestly say I think I know you much better after reading all four parts in your series. You can be very proud of the outstanding writing that you have put together in this outstanding heartfelt hub series. Thanks for sharing all of this information. Voted up, interesting, beautiful and across the board.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

You have made a very true statement, sandra.....It takes a while for us to get there.......Thanks for stopping by.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Thank you, so very much, slackermom.....I appreciate your kind words.

I am a very blessed woman in terms of the wonderful people I was lucky enough to be close to. Each of them individually and together as a "family" of loved ones, left inspiring legacies....taught me so much about focusing on what is good, true and positive in our journey through life.

I can only aspire to be half as generous and encouraging to those I leave behind........."Peace & Happiness to you and yours, as well."

sandrabusby profile image

sandrabusby 4 years ago from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA

Beautifully done. As we tell our stories over and over, it helps us make sense of our lives, and learn to "live it." Enjoy.

slackermom profile image

slackermom 4 years ago from Attapulgus GA

What a beautiful and touching story. You have lost so much but I can see that you gained so much from those who have gone. They are surely looking down upon you with great pride. You are truly an amazing woman. I wish you much peace and happiness.

Voted up and beautiful..

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Oh my, Angela.....are you one of those people who start at the end of the book?? lol......Hope you catch up on my series and find it a good read.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author sweet you are, always. I truly appreciate your kind words....for the "well of strength," as you put it, was a long time filling to capacity, Tammy.....and "resilience?"...well, that can take years of battle, wrong turns and lots of lessons-learned in order to build up.

The best news is, once you feel pretty well-prepared to face the devil and kick his butt to the curb, quickly!

Thank you, Tammy. Best of everything to you and yours, as well!

Angela Brummer profile image

Angela Brummer 4 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

This is great! I will now have to go back and read the rest of them now! Shared!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

You are a resiliant and beautiful person. You have been through soooo much yet you are so strong and encouraging. During these difficult times you must have quite a deep well of strength. I have enjoyed your series and I will leave inspired. Your resolve is admirable and I hope the final chapter of your life will be signed with all the joy and happiness a heart can hold. Deep and prolific.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dexter....It is my belief, for I have seen and experienced, that each and every one of us learn from one another....consciously or otherwise.

What we may have learned, we pass on to the world, in the hopes of causing ripples of kindness and goodness. What we lack, ...if we keep our heads up and hearts open, will come to us via the ripples sent by others.

Thank you for your sweet words........I don't know about, "phenomenal," Dexter.....The reality is, I simply refused to stop struggling.......not merely to survive......but to leave my sons, a clear and powerful understanding of the unwavering power of unconditional love. Peace, My friend....

Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 4 years ago from United States

What a remarkable story and what a phenomenal woman you have become! So many of us can learn a lot about life and perseverance through your journey. You have touched many lives. Thank you.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Skarlet...thank you for the visit and your lovely comment on my hub(s).

You would love Amish Country....all the shops they run on their huge farms....cheese, baked goods, hand-made crafts and of course, their famous Amish Furniture.....

In warm months, it's a breathtaking drive through miles of vast country-side. Thanks again

Skarlet profile image

Skarlet 4 years ago from California

I cried when I read your story. It is one we can all relate to. Your sons are wonderful, and have given you strength. This is also a very well presented hub. Great pictures and organization.

That must be quite an experience, going through Amish country. I would like to see it.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

teaches12345....What lovely things to say. I thank you ...sincerely. We learn from one another.....I believe this is how it should be.

For every mile of wisdom we are given....we must pave a mile to prepare for our fellow man's journey. Peace and happiness to you, dear teaches!!

teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 4 years ago

This was very touching to read and I have tears in my eyes and heart in reading your twelve year journey. I love your poster and also your statement, For every death, there is a birth, for each failure, a victory may come....and for each door that closes, another will open. I truly believe that with every closed door there is a reason and we must go pass on to the next which will open for us a new journey. Thanks for sharing a bit from your life experience. I know I have learned much from your sharing. Blessings and prayers.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author


It certainly seems clear that life is strictly "On-the-job-training" don't you think? We are given no promises or guarantess, nor perfect plan to follow.

What life befalls us along the way, we are faced with choices to make. We can fall by the wayside of despair & surrender....or we can hold on tight and continue on the journey.

Because life and love are the most precious of gifts, ultimately, we make the choice to move on. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt comments. *************************************************************

God is dead....( a rather shocking handle you have there)

I thank you for such a great compliment. Welcome to hubpages. I hope to see you on the tour. Good luck!


Thank you honorable Sensi..SUNSHINE.....

and how did you know that all I've ever aspired to be is an SFAM??? Is that like the premium version of in the canned meat?? Love you, girl....


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Martie......isn't life like a lucky penny? It keeps showing up, we repeatedly pick it up...because after all, "it's a lucky penny." Then we realize it's worth next to nothing and toss it over our shoulder......and it's picked up by the next guy....while you find you've snatched another.

One might think we'd get dizzy after awhile and give it up....but there's this little thing called "human Nature....."........

MissMonaye88 profile image

MissMonaye88 4 years ago from New York, NY

I love your story. Even though it's sad it touches you so much. I feel s connected to you even though I don't know you. Thank you for sharing.

Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

You've done well grasshopper. Thank you for sharing your journey with all it's ups and downs. I adore the woman you are today. I couldn't have asked for a more caring or loving SFAM :)

God is dead profile image

God is dead 4 years ago

One of the best articles I've read so far. Keep up the good work.

Followed (:

Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

gosh...i was in tears while reading your beautiful and heart rendering biography. You are a strong woman, Paula and I admire you from within my core of the heart.

I am glad you found a shoulder to depend on after 7 long years. I agree children do mature under circumstances and I am sure they made you proud during those times.

Well said are 'cause of your journey. You lived a brave life, my friend! Wishing you lots of happiness and blissful years ahead...hugs!

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

I also remember a vague whisper during the 9 months I've been losing my husband to another woman.... (After the death of one's beloved, this is second on the list of intense grief.)

"Hang on girl, everything will turn out for the best," were the words I've heard, though it was so far away, I thought I was hallucinating.

Sadly, by the end of the nine month, when ALL the s@#t finally hit the fan, I was no longer the woman I was before. I was ready to start a new life all on my own with my two children. Fortunately, or actually unfortunately when I consider the damage that was done to my children by an incompetent father, it was with the same man again. Another nine years with its own set of challenges.

Fact is, here I am today.... All smiles, because everything did turn out for the best. It always does... Therefor it is important to brush off the dirt of every adversary, look forward and move straight ahead.

This was an amazing journey, fpher. Thank you so much for sharing so that it can be an inspiration for many. When we know the depths of sorrow, we can appreciate the heights of joy.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Happy........You say it, PERFECTLY. No need for a single more word. Thank you.

Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 4 years ago from South Carolina

Thank you so much for sharing your story on HubPages. So much loss and heartache, but also so much spirit, strength, love, wisdom and compassionate understanding of the ups and downs we all face in our lives.

Your story reminds us that the human spirit and heart is meant to be resilient and for the sake of those we love, particularly our children, we must find ways to continue forward.

Hub Hugs and Love,


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Vee.....Your compasion is so sweet and sincere.....I'm touched, but dry your eyes, hon......we all have burdens and heartache. It only continues to haunt us if we don't work hard to move on and keep strong. I'm grateful for my children, family and friends. Without them, I would not have made it through.


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Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

Aw, girl, you usually make me laugh, but this one made me cry. Couldn't help it. So much loss. How do you do it? You are more amazing than i ever thought. Thinking about you.

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fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Yes, Pamela....and as I said in a comment to another fellow-hubber....we all ride that ferris wheel at times....up with the thrills and down with the goes full-circle and there's such a mountain of experience between our birth and would take another whole lifetime to tell it all.........Peace

Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 4 years ago from United States

Your story could not help but make me cry as it is so touching. You've lost so many loved ones that were so important to you, and yet you are persevering with a new blended family of people to love. I'm sure they love your also. This is a tragic, yet beautiful story.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

writer20.....I share the pain of losing a sibling.....and feel how heavy this weighs on your heart. I send you a hug and a spare smile to keep in your to use anytime. Thank you for visiting. Stop by anytime.

writer20 profile image

writer20 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

This is a wonderful so sad story.

I think it touches many of us. For me it losing my close brother two years ago this September.

Voted awesome and beautiful. Thank you for writing this story, Joyce.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Gracias, mi amigo, Guillermo....Estoy mucho feliz.

You've made me feel so good about finally sharing this wasn't comfortable, but I'm feeling free.........Peace!!

billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

I don't cry often when reading words on a page but I'm crying now. Yours is a story that touches us all; I have been there, walked numbly among the living, not sure if I could go on. I have held my parents in their last moments, a flood of memories overtaking me as I sobbed.

You have done well my friend; thank you for this journey and thank you for being who you are.

I am with you in spirit, as friends are supposed to be.


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