How to deal with Unfit Parents, The Notes I Really Want To Send Home To the Bad Parents of the children in my class
I have been in education for almost 15 years. During those years I have had my share of wonderful parents who do anything necessary to help support their children and their education. These parents are the ones who always attend parent teacher conferences, help their children with their homework, make sure their children are at school on time and ready to learn, and keep lines of communication open between themselves and the school. On the other hand I have had parents who have absolutely no business being in charge of another human beings life. These are the parents who refuse to take responsibility for their own behavior and the behavior of their children, They are the ones that blame the teacher, other students, or the school for the problems or issues that their child is having. The ones that want to know what so and so did in order to make their child act the way they did. The ones that never return notes or phone calls, and don't help their children with their homework.
These are the notes that I have WANTED to send home to those parents-but couldn't. The notes that actually address the problems of the parents-not their children. The notes that I will send home-once I win the powerball jackpot and don't have to worry about losing my job.
The Importance of a Good Nights Sleep
Dear Mr. N, Your son did not have a good day at school today. In fact he hasn't had a good day in a long time. Perhaps it is because you have kept him up every night with your loud music and pot parties. He comes to school and is unable to do anything but sleep. I appreciate you having him tested for allergies and as you can see by the results of his testing he is allergic to cannabis-perhaps you don't know what that is so I will inform you. In lay-men's terms he is allergic to pot so please when you decided to fire up a blunt make sure your son is not in the room.
Pick Up Procedures
Dear Ms. K, Please begin staying in your car and using the drive-up lane when you pick B. up from school. Your choice in clothing is causing undue embarrassment to your child, her impressionable friends, and the school staff. Speaking on behalf of the staff, after a long day at work none of us wish to view your camel toe, gunt, and saggy cleavage. If you decide to begin wearing clothing that actually fits you instead of being 3 times too small feel free to resume getting out of your car and walking over to the pick-up lane to retrieve B.
A side note, when you tell B. not to tell me something, as you did with your incident the other morning when you showed your boobs to a police officer to avoid getting a ticket, rest assured she will tell me in great detail.
Your Child's Education
Dear Mr. & Mrs. E., Please homeschool your son J.. He has absolutely no interest in learning anything that is being taught in my classroom. Perhaps it is because although he is able to speak English, he has no desire to read or write it. I believe this is because after of 10 years of being in the country neither of you read, write, or speak English and have shown absolutely no desire to learn. By not trying to assimilate into the American culture and learn the language you have shown your son that knowing English is not important. I will be sure to have this note translated into Spanish for you-but I am unsure at this time if you can read Spanish either so I will not expect you to sign and return it to me.
Dear Ms. P., I am deeply disturbed by a conversation that I had with your son G.'s special education teacher. She informed me that you told her that you are trying to get pregnant. She also said you said that although you already have 5 children (all of whom have various learning, social, and behavioral challenges-and none of whom have the same father) you hope you can "GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME AND HAVE ONE NORMAL KID". Need I remind you that your youngest child is still in the local psychiatric center after burning down the apartment complex you lived in? Need I also remind you that you do not have a job and live on public assistance and social security (that you receive because of your "special" children). I would like to suggest that rather than get pregnant you take parenting classes and get a job.
Please don't wear you kitty shirt on school grounds
Dear Ms. S. today when you picked your daughter V up from school I noticed that you were wearing a very interesting shirt about cats. I know that you haven't been in our country long and don't speak much English so I would like to let you know that it is highly inappropriate to wear a shirt that has "WHAT KIND OF PUSSY DO YOU LIKE?" written on the front to an elementary school. I understand that some people see humor in the different types of pussy your shirt lists: shaved, tight, black, white, furry, bald, yellow, smelly-but please do not wear this shirt on school grounds again as we are unprepared to answer the questions the children who see your shirt might ask us.
Please Provide Contact Information
Dear Mr. R., I would like to request that you provide a working phone number to the school when you return from your 'vacation'. Had we had a working phone number it would not have been necessary to call the police in an attempt to locate you when T was hurt on the playground and had to be taken to the hospital. Had the police not gone to your apartment attempting to locate you they probably would not have discovered your meth lab.
Not In My Job Description
Dear Ms.German. Please tell your son that I checked and SUCKING HIS BALLS is not in my job description. I checked with our individual school, the school district, and the state department of education to see if I possibly missed this job requirement when signing my contract-and I can conclusively say that it is simply not there. I have enclosed a copy of our districts teacher's requirements for you to go over with your fifth grade son as he sits home with you during the next week, there will be a quiz when he is allowed to return to my classroom after his return to school.
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