Twenty-First Century Parents - Raising a Daughter with Character

Introduction

When our daughter was born, my husband and I decided to raise her differently than the way we were raised by our authoritarian parents. We set out to let her know that she was loved and valued as an individual person, and that her ideas are worth listening to. We bonded through play, sharing meaningful experiences, and enjoying each other.

When she makes mistakes, we encourage her to keep trying things. When she's learning how to keep safe in the city or to interact with others, we gently guide her. We accept the limits of the amount of information she is capable of taking in at any given moment, and work with that. When she is ready to move on from one activity to something else we accept that. We do not expect her to be a "mini me."

Gallery of pictures from our family life ~

Toddler with attitude
Toddler with attitude | Source
Colonial toddler
Colonial toddler | Source
With her Patriot Papa
With her Patriot Papa | Source
Alternative swinging
Alternative swinging | Source
Coloring with Mama on Mother's Day
Coloring with Mama on Mother's Day | Source
Young artist a the water fountain in the summer
Young artist a the water fountain in the summer | Source
"Flour" child
"Flour" child | Source
With our friend Jack Powers, who founded "Stone Soup Poetry"
With our friend Jack Powers, who founded "Stone Soup Poetry" | Source
Playing with a friend at a PJ brunch birthday party
Playing with a friend at a PJ brunch birthday party | Source
Sweet sheep from a Christmas Pageant
Sweet sheep from a Christmas Pageant | Source
Stopping to smell spring flowers
Stopping to smell spring flowers | Source
Playing with Papa on Spectacle Island
Playing with Papa on Spectacle Island | Source
"aaaah, water"
"aaaah, water" | Source

A Word about Empathy

In order for children to learn empathy, they must be shown such behavior by the caring adults who are closest to them. Some children may take longer to learn empathy, but it is worth the energy to teach them. It is important for adults to remember what it was like to be a child and to see things from a child's point of view, so that we can show children empathy when they are sad, hurt, frustrated, or angry.

Even unexpected, spontaneous expressions of happiness can come from a young person when other adults are serious, like at church when reverence is the predominant sentiment. But the spirit moves children in unique ways and it is important to acknowledge their present state of mind when they cannot share ours. Eventually, children learn what is expected of them in a variety of situations, but it takes time and patient guidance to help them get there.

Food = Love: Breastfeeding and Bonding

I breast-fed her from the beginning. It meant that her grandparents did not have the chance to feed her from the bottle, but there were other ways for them to bond with her: holding her, talking to her, and playing with her. They began to share in the responsibility of feeding her when she began to eat solids. In the meantime, I was committed to giving her the best start along her life's path, including the strengthening of her immune system.

While I breastfed her, I sang to her. We listened to quiet music, or to my folk radio station. When she was not eating, we moved to more energetic music together. I played guitar, mandolin, and flute for her to dance to. I walked with her close to my heart in a wrap, or in a stroller. There were many beautiful places to explore around where we lived.

When my husband arrived home from work, he played with her while I prepared our supper. When she was old enough to start eating solid food, I pureed what we ate in the blender, so that she would have the experience of eating at the table with us. In this way, she enjoyed a sense of belonging in every aspect of family life.

Together in the Kitchen

When I baked cookies and breads, I let her "knead" the dough, or roll it out for cutting shapes. I spoke to her about what we did and she responded vocally in her own baby language. This was another way we enjoyed spending time together. Over the years, she has gradually taken a more active part in more of the food preparation process, and we enjoy the time we spend making food together.

Sharing Stories and Poetry Together

I also read to her lots of board books. So did my husband. At a very young age, she began to enjoy making up stories of her own. She makes up her own stories now, and tells them to me when we are traveling in the car. It is one of many personal gifts she freely gives.

Exploring the World: Spending Time Playing Together

Once my daughter was more mobile, we did more activities together outside the house. We did not watch television at all, so we found other things to do close to where we lived, like visiting the library and local parks, attending folk music and storytelling festivals, or attending puppet shows at our local puppet theater. We also took a parent-child art class together when she was two.

Continue Reading Together

At home, we read longer books, built with blocks, baked, and engaged in seasonal activities such as building snow people and making snow angels in the winter. In the fall, we rolled around in piles of leaves and threw them in the air together. In the spring, she walked around making the sounds of animals she saw returning to the landscape (like honking geese). In the summer, she dressed in her bathing suit and ran through water fountains built for that purpose. When she was 3 years old, she began to take swimming lessons at our local YMCA, and we took advantage of the parent-child "free swim" times that were offered there. Now she takes swim lessons at a local beach and enjoys playing in the sand afterward.

Singing Together

Eventually, she learned the words to the children's songs we listened to, so we began to sing them together as we traveled outside the house, either by foot or by trolley. Most of our playing was developed through games that she initiated. There is still one we love to play on the train when traveling around Boston. It involves shaping our hands like animals to make "puppets" that interact with one another.

Mutual Respect & Appreciation

Also, from a very young age, my determined toddler decided that she knew best which clothes she wanted to wear each day, so I let her choose her outfits and dress herself, which she has been doing ever since. She has also learned to bathe herself, tidy her room, clean up after spills, sweep around her chair, clean up toys and art materials, separate garbage from recyclables and compost, and put her clothes in the wash. She helps put her clean clothes away, too. She has learned what is expected of her and knows why her actions are important.

Poetry for Children ~

A Child's Garden of Verses
A Child's Garden of Verses

Poems to read before a nap or at bedtime. Once my daughter learned to read, she has ready many of them to me.

 

One Parent's Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood

One of the values that I wanted to imprint upon my daughter's childhood was the importance of real-time involvement with the world, which is much healthier than 24/7 engagement with media. I strolled and walked with her to local parks and brought her to age-appropriate puppet shows, music festivals, and art classes. Our foundation was the absence of a television in our home. We played and cooked together, sang together, went on adventures together. We visited our local park and puppet theater. We attended free family-friendly music concerts and storytelling circles in parks and local folk festivals. We explored our local arboretum and zoo.

One example of a cooperative effort between us at an early age is the parent-child art class we attended at the YWCA in Cambridge, MA. The teacher introduced color combinations and craft projects and my daughter had the chance to choose what she wanted to do. We worked at the table and the easel together to create lovely pieces of art together. We displayed them at home for a while, then I took pictures of them before we used them as pieces of home-made wrapping paper. Some of that art can be found in the hub featured at the bottom of the list of links titled "Resources with Helpful Information for Parents."

Making Friends and Problem-Solving ~

As she grew older, our daughter made friends at the park, and with children who lived on our street. She had more playmates to have fun with and learn from, with whom to practice her relationship skills. Because of this, there were ample opportunities for her to learn how to play fairly and to show caring to her playmates.

Since we have moved, she misses those playmates, but has the skills to make new friends. This road was not easy, since she encountered some frustrations with children being unkind to her in Kindergarten, but she has bonded with some other children around her age enough to call them friends.

Timeless Wisdom:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

This book was written in the 1970s, and the parenting techniques featured on its pages are pertinent for the 21st century.

 

Expectations and Limit-Setting ~

Expectations and Limit-Setting

Over the years, our expectations of our daughter have been age-appropriate, and have grown as she grows. We do not give her much exposure to television because we feel that most media entertainment, even those considered "educational," often give the wrong message about how to treat others, and such screen time is not good for the healthy development of her brain. Television is also a way of corporations to market to children, and we do not feel she needs to be exposed to this.

Our daughter knows that she must tell us if she changes her location in our co-housing village when we are not physically with her. She knows that there is a schedule that she is expected to follow, and knows that all of her needs will be met. My husband gives her a weekly allowance, which she saves up and spends on things that are meaningful to her. She is expected to tell the truth, even when she thinks we would be displeased with it, and we reward her for doing this, so she continues to practice personal integrity in this way. She has grown into a considerate child of 7 years and we know that she will grow further in the right direction with our attention and guidance.

Home-Schooling

Finally, teaching our daughter at home has been one of the most prevalent means by which we raise our daughter that diverges from our own upbringing. Both my husband and I have a M.Ed. in education. Mine is in elementary education and his is in adult education. We both love to engage our daughter in thinking about what she is learning. Building with Legos and wooden blocks are as much a part of the curriculum as books and other materials. My husband teaches her philosophy through books, projects, and field trips. He has also been listening to Spanish conversation tapes and she has been learning the language.

A Sideshow: Home-Schooling in the Fifth Grade

Sharing Faith as a Family

Though I was raised Catholic and my husband was raised Presbyterian, we have decided to "meet in the middle" and have become members of a local Unitarian Church. The community we have joined is very active in social justice ministries and it is now our spiritual home. Our daughter has met new friends there, including one who is also home-schooled.

One thing that is part of our home-schooling experience is one thing I remember fondly from my childhood: gardening. I enjoyed cultivating and harvesting a small postage-stamp garden as a child, and encourage my daughter to take an active part in growing our food at home. This includes watering the growing plants and harvesting some of the fruits of her labor straight from their sources. Since growing one's own food organically will become an important part of providing for one's family, we want to engage our daughter in becoming active in this endeavor.


Co-Housing

Being members of a co-housing community, we are involved deeply in the community life of our neighbors, including eating meals with them. The older children watch over the younger ones and the adults work together to create self-sustaining, safe places to grow. We have community vegetable and herb gardens, fruit trees, berry bushes, and will soon be raising chickens. In May and October we host barbeques, and most Sunday afternoons there are intergenerational frisbee games on our playing field.

The idea of living in an intentional community such as we do is an idea that our parents have found hard to get used to, but they accept our decision. We believe that we have given our daughter the best place to play and grow. There is much more freedom for her here than if we continued to live in the city.


* This hub is meant to answer a question posed by Sholland, "How do you raise your children differently than you were raised?"

© 2012 Karen Szklany Gault

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Comments 10 comments

lilMissScrittore 4 years ago

This is wonderfully written and inspirational! I do not have children yet, but someday I hope to raise them with so many of the similar values in mind. Thank you for sharing a little part of your life with the hub community and thank you, thank you, thank you for teaching your daughter that she is valued as a person (regardless of gender).


Seafarer Mama profile image

Seafarer Mama 4 years ago from New England Author

lilMissScrittore - Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts! Glad that you enjoyed this hub. It was fun writing it, too. :0) Yes, the basic value of enjoying one's loved ones for who they are each day goes such a long way toward buffering us from the onslaught of what the world hands us in terms of stress, etc. Love is the greatest healer, isn't it?


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

Sounds like you are great parents and are doing everything you can to make your daughter grow into an adult you will be proud of. Sounds like you have so much patience. Great hub and great information for us parents out there who are often "too busy" it seems to really give our children the best.


Seafarer Mama profile image

Seafarer Mama 4 years ago from New England Author

Thank you for your encouraging words, barbergirl28. I am sure that you are doing your best, too. Demands on parents that seem to diminish the time we have to spend with our little ones can be great. Best regards to you! :0)


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 4 years ago from East Coast, United States

At first I thought this would be instructive, but you have offered us the opportunity to peak into the lives of a family that appreciates and honors the family bond, respects the child, and lives a life built around creating a beautiful life for that child. And you make it sound fun.


Seafarer Mama profile image

Seafarer Mama 4 years ago from New England Author

Thank you Dolores. I'm glad you enjoyed the way I approached writing this hub. :0) I tend to shy away from approaching the subject of parenting in a pedantic way. We all have much to learn from one another, and I know that I do not hold the "answers" for others. The best thing I can do is make mindful parenting and lifestyle choices and own them boldly. :0)

Thank you for stopping by and leaving kind words. Hope you are having a peaceful day!

Namaste


Angela Brummer profile image

Angela Brummer 4 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

You sound like great parents. We need more children to become adults like you are raising.. with that said it is time for you to have another one! LOL


Seafarer Mama profile image

Seafarer Mama 4 years ago from New England Author

Awwww. Very sweet, kind thoughts, Angela. Thank you.


Kathryn Stratford profile image

Kathryn Stratford 3 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

This is a very interesting look into how you raise your daughter. I like how it is hands on, and you put a lot of thought and effort into everything. I don't have kids yet, but you have given me some food for thought for when I do have kids.


Seafarer Mama profile image

Seafarer Mama 3 years ago from New England Author

Thank you so much for your kind words, Kathryn. I hope that you do have a chance to have children if you want them. They are such a joy! :0)

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