Wimp To Warrior - Chapter 13
I am on a bus with my mother. She is telling me to pay attention because this is the route I will be taking to school in the morning and I will need to remember the landmarks if I am to get off at the right bus stop. I feel worried and anxious. I am afraid I won't remember and I will end up lost in this strange world outside the walls I had grown accustomed to living behind.
I am on a bus going to school. The bus is full and there is only one spot available to sit in and it would mean facing other passengers. I don’t want to do that because I won’t be able to breathe. I sit there and spend the whole journey in distress trying to breathe. I can’t bear people looking at me. I want to be invisible. I am anxiously looking out the window trying to remember the landmarks pointed out to me by my mother the day before.
Getting used to the outside world
I remember the stop but I am unable to wade through the crowd fast enough and the driver starts the bus again after some people get off. I have missed my stop. I am in a panic. The next bus stop seems miles away and I don't know where I am. I start sobbing and the bus driver turns and asks me what the matter is. I manage to tell him through my uncontrollable sobbing that I have missed my stop and but I don't know how to explain that my world is crumbling around me as a result of this very big mistake.
He stops the bus and asks a woman who is getting off to help me. I am so grateful to him for being kind and I never forget his face. The woman points to where I must go and I see that the stop I missed is only a short distance from where I now stand holding this woman's hand. I wish she would hold my hand forever.
I say thank you and I feel happier now that I recognise the world again. I won't make that mistake again. In fact I will be careful not to make any more mistakes in my life. I am going to have to be perfect in order to feel safe always. Yes, that is a good idea. And these people outside the walls are not so scary after all.
I am standing at the bus stop after school. I am alone waiting for my bus to go home. A boy comes over to me. His name is Richard. He starts to call me names. I say nothing because I am embarrassed. I don’t like attention being drawn to me and I want him to leave me alone.
Since I am not responding he starts to hit me and he grabs my hair and pulls my face down to receive a kicking. I do nothing I don’t even try to protect myself. Eventually, someone in the bus queue shouts leave him alone. “Can’t you see he’s had enough?” Richard moves off muttering something and I get on the bus and go home. I don't care about physical pain it is the shame I feel that hurts me. I just didn't know what to do. I let him beat me up because I just didn't know what to do. That is never going to happen to me again, I vow to myself as I am on my way home.
I am worried that my grandfather will be angry with me because my shirt is torn. I run to my room (the room my grandfather, granduncle, my brother and I sleep in) I change my shirt and lie on the bed. I decide to change myself. I decide to become a terrifying person that nobody will ever do that to again. I decide this and I can make myself anything I want. I decide this because that boy made me feel ashamed of myself. I will become a warrior.
Goyakla is born
I decide to become so feared that nobody will ever do what that boy did to me, again. I train my body and I learn how to fight. I am determined and I have a strong mind. I mould myself into the warrior I created in my mind that day of shame. I learn how to harness anger. Goyakla is born.
Goyakla is the great Apache which many people know as Geronimo. I modelled myself on this great Indian who could not be defeated by the white man. He was a true master of guerilla warfare and was respected by both the men who followed him and those he fought. He was a man of great courage, honourable in all his dealings and an inspirational leader of men. He remains to this day one of the most influential figures in my life and as such I feel I have to leave a link to his autobiography so more people can learn about this great individual who no man could conquer.
Links to Connected Chapters
- Repression Release - Chapter 14
The problem with most talking therapies is that communication is through the critical filter of both the Client's and the Therapist's mind. The best way for me to describe it would be to imagine watching a...
- Who is I - A Journey into Consciousness
An introduction to this series of hubs explaining my reasons for writing them.