Words of Wisdom, I haven't Got Any.
Legal or Illegal, It Still Ruins Lives.
Smoking Canabis Causes Paranoia, Fact
Am I Banging On?
"I don't drink and I don't go out very often, what the hell do you expect from me mum"? my son spat at me yesterday. I watched his face turn white as he sat on the sofa. He looked deflated, almost as if I had burst his bubble. Rebecca didn't so much as look in my direction, but continued to peel potatoes for the potato and leek soup she was making.
My grandson had been put upstairs in his cot before I arrived, which was the routine every time Rebecca knew I was visiting. I could hear him crying and felt bewildered looking at both Craig and Rebecca. I almost whispered, not daring to rock the boat, "Shall I go up to Callum, Rebecca? "No" she replied, I glanced sideways at Craig looking for a little reassurance, but none came. I felt very uncomfortable and terribly hurt.
"Craig you can not go on like this", I sat tentatively besides him on the sofa, watching him smoke his cigarette. "Callum need his parents, you are putting his life in danger every day you do this" I just received a blank stare. "Whatever mum", Craig spat back again. I looked for signs of my beautiful son. The son I had brought into this world, loved and cherished, and protected all of his twenty three years on this earth. But he was not there, just a very faint glimmer inside his deep blue eyes, reminded me that I knew this man.
I knew I had to say more, but was filled with dread hoping Craig would not resort to violence. He had never raised a hand to me, he would not dare, I knew that much. But recently he had hit Rebecca a couple of times and shouted at Callum, before storming out of the house.
I recalled the shouting I had heard coming from the house whilst I was parking the car in the driveway. I tried to remember the three men who had come charging out of the house, one knocked my wing mirror off, and all three of them wore hooded sweat shirts. They tumbled quickly into a red car and drove away with the tyres screeching.
I knew what the men wanted, and I had warned Craig not to get involved so many times. I had tried the tough love approach and it had failed; now I was at my wits end. I was living every mother's nightmare, watching her child ruin his life.
Please God Help Me
Craig an Rebecca had their own house now, having lived with me for over a year. I had lost control, if that is the correct word, of what was happening in my son's life. Rebecca was very challenging and now that she had post natal depression, everyone walked on egg shells so as not to provoke her. It was only a couple of months ago that I witnessed her hit her own mother, I wanted to help her, comfort her and slap her all at the same time. I wanted to scream "You are ruining my son's life" and take her by the shoulders and make her understand how afraid I was. I wanted my son to come home and bring his son with him. But of course this was not an option, Rebecca needs me too even if she doesn't realise it.
"Those men wanted money didn't they" I looked directly at Craig, "how much do you owe this time"? No answer, but Rebecca shouted from the kitchen £600.00", I sat in desperation, trying so hard not to let the tears fall. I had already bought groceries, nappies, milk formula, coal and logs so far this week. I had already spent over £85.00 of my meagre £115.00 wages to help them out. My heart screamed, but my voice remained silent. "Why do you keep doing this Craig?" I offered. "Why do you think mum ..... to get money".
I questioned my parenting skill, had I been a bad influence, had I not taught my son the value of life? I could see a small box sitting under the edge of the sofa and pulled it out into sight. The box contained several clear plastic bags with weed in them. Not the garden's weed, more's the pity, but the 'hey man' weed. I thought; Oh My God what do I do now. I silently pushed the box back under the sofa as realisation that my son was dealing hit home, and the men leaving his house had been threatening his life for the money that he still owed them.
I am so short on answers, so unfamiliar with this seedy side of life and more so, scared to my wits end that my son will get killed.
I have one option, to report my son to the police. I just hope and pray that I have the strength to do it for the sake of my grand son and daughter in law. Knowing that I will lose my family, all of them for my actions.
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