Who is writing hubs on this? People ask me all the time "how do I get my ex back?" It's not my area of expertise.
Also, it made me think:
1. What is the most effective way to break up with someone?
2. What is the "right" way to break up with someone?
3. How do you bring closure to a terminated relationship?
4. What are your worst attempts at a break up?
Share your feedback!
In general it is an exercise in futility to try to get your ex back. It is probably EASIER to find someone new, in fact, than to try to repair a defunct romance. However, a person who is in the middle of a breakup is typically in such an emotional storm, that they don't have they objectivity to realize this. The best way is to find someone better than your ex and wish your ex well.
It's a surprise to find we both agree on this one, Nicky. Generally speaking, relationships don't break up without a very good reason - for most people, it's easier to stay with the devil they know than face the unpleasantness of a breakup and the prospect of being alone. There's no point getting back together unless you can identify the cause of the split and work out how to fix it. It probably isn't what you think.
The right way to break up - the most important thing is to make it clean. Make it clear the door is closed. The worst thing you can do is to "let your partner down gently". Give him/her the slightest hint you might get back together, and they'll cling to that hope for months. It's not kind!
Straight and to the point.
In private, face to face, and with at least enough time to let both parties have their peace.
I agree with Nick, wish them well and move on.
All of them. lol. But mostly the time this guy asked me to marry him and I told him I hated him. ouch! I dunno, we were having problems and I had already broken up with him so...
whateva, he threw my tv out the door and banged some girl and I got to catch them in bed together when I stopped by for an envelope. I aint buddy! lol.
The most effective way to break up with someone is to be completely honest with them and tell them at the earliest possible opportunity giving them a full and frank explanation of why it is over.
My worst attempt at a break up was the time when I was waiting at the bottom of the drive for my new boyfriend to pick me up and the old one turned up! I had a very red face and was rendered speechless.
I avoided my ex's as much as possible, but sometimes I would run into one and we would be all pleasant and phony with each other and then sometimes make the unfortunate mistake of having a few drinks with them and then... it was all good in the hood but when I would wake up the next morning, I wanted to jump in my car and head down to Mexico and just hide away in a little shack on the beach.
Envelope, CD, shirt -- there's always a reason to go back in there, isn't there?
I don't think this question is cut-and-dried simple at all. So many variables. Like is it an ex lover or an ex spouse -- breakups are on totally different planes, then!
I do think of extracting oneself from a failed or untenable relationship as sort of an uncoiling. It's like you are both orbiting in the same space and you need to start circling further and further out from the other person and create your own orbit.
It's absolutely, categorically essential to have "the transition person" to put emotional (and sexual) distance between you and your ex.
It took me 4 years to get to get myself into a far enough orbit from my ex-boyfriend that I could even have that transitional boyfriend! All efforts at breakup before that (and we had many, on both sides) were dismal failures.
Yeah, but MM, that's why a girl should always keep those 'substitute boyfriend' male friends in your book and your life. You can lean on them when you are having trouble with your significant other, and don't have to go through any sorta transitional person, lol (which I'd have a hard time 'doing,' lol, I know from experience, , anyway).
It's rough, but I am still basically friends on some level with my exes. I just find it easier not to talk to them too often.
Don't think I'd ever be interested in getting any of my exes back. We've had our time. Been there, done that... Usually, what I've found is that you are simply trading issues with one person for different issues with another person. Until you find that man who realizes that no relationship is perfect, and there WILL always be issues---the trick is how well you deal with the problems and accept each other--which I guess is a definition of love, but mature love!
O.K. ...you two poor innocent cuties in distress...Please consider I as your next "lean on" fellow, as you go dumping your dudes in the future.
I agree Lita, I have actually managed to be friends with all my ex's excluding mr. envelope cause the tv things was really ridiculous, and even with the simplest answers to the most complexed emotional ones; the answer that seems best in getting over the ex via. initatior or reciever, is knowing that there was a loving reason you guys got together to begin with but it wasn't meant to be.
And if you are lucky, they and even me on the recipients side, understand it and accept that it is better for them to find their happiness with someone else then stay with me and not be happy. ;P
It's weird though--I find my relationships are very emotionally convoluted and they last for years--so that it is hard to know who is breaking up with who.
I.E., with both the last guys I guess I was 'officially' the one to break up, and put my foot down, so to speak, but it isn't like they didn't give me lots and lots of reasons, including quasi 'we are breaking up' fights and other drama.
And why do many guys have a habit of throwing things when mad? I HATE that--I now look at it like they are interrupting my peace & my life and would never put up with that again.
Also, at the hint of cheating--bye bye.... I get that people can be attracted to others (natural), but we are also not animals, and not being able to control your urges is sooooo intellectually unattractive to me.
LOL Lita and Sandra. Way to be all normal and rational about it. Not my style -- I like to go out flaming:-). But I'm glad you both have such solid heads on your shoulders about the realities of finding Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now. I hope to be able to say I'm FINALLY with the OAO for the rest of my life. Knock on "wood." (As Countrywomen would say, he he).
Seriously, I would love go out flaming but I aint got the energy for it. But love it when others do. I am a bit of a spectator, as long as no body gets hurt...well..you know what I mean.
Lita, I have no idea why guys throw things, I think it is a macho man thing.
I never would have guessed that about you, MM--that you like to be all flame-y. You seem so level headed, compared, say...to ME, lol!
But completely understand what you are saying about current relationships.
First of all, I would not try to get my Ex back. A broken relationship cannot be the same again. I would rather moveon.
Anamika, You sound like a very sane and emotionally balanced person. Good advice.
Personally, I have never understood people who could be "friends" with their exes. Not me. I have nothing to do with mine, except the one who is the father of my son. If it wasn't for that connection, I would not want to interact with him at all.
The ex that it took 4 years to "break up with" was really a chemical thing. He had his hooks into me so deep (and I had mine in him). We couldn't live with each other, but couldn't live without each other, either. Very tragic and dramatic.
Yes, I used to be a major drama queen! In fact, at one point in my life I even had a name for my wild alter-ego: Miranda!!!
For real, MM?
You just come across in writing as diplomatic and witty--and covering all bases. Hmmmm.
Well, I mean my exes and I wish each other the best, help each other when we can, keep in touch, etc., etc., but I don't believe in real close friendships with them. That would somewhat be disrespectful of the 'current,' lol, and would not be emotionally healthy.
I think on some level, with exes, you are always in love with each other, so it would just be stupid to be too close. And some guys--sigh--have something to prove to their current gf or wife or whatever--or to the world (like a certain one of mine) so, I basically and Machiavellian-like just cut contact. Doesn't mean I still don't care for him on some level, though...
Wow, I've never tried to get an ex back. I get along with OK with the ones I have kids with, but we are not friends by any stretch of the imagination.
When it's time to go, I think, just go. That is the only message necessary when things get to that point.
Getting an ex back can be easy or hard, it really depends on why you broke up in the first place. If your partner cheated on you, then I would stay well clear. If the split was over a silly misunderstanding then there is hope, just keep things cool and don't apply pressure.
Let your ex see you getting on with your life (don't over do it) and they might begin to miss you. I would resist the urge to try and make them jealous, this method can backfire big time.
Just be yourself and always appear to be more sensitive and caring in their presence and around people who they know - there is nothing like feedback!
why would anyone want an ex who didn't want to be with you?
If it isn't mutual,you're just fooling yourself and putting off the inevitable;
Get on with your life and don't pine for someone who doesn't care.
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