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When is it right to argue with our parents on something at 18?

  1. Evane profile image67
    Evaneposted 6 months ago

    Is it right to argue with our parents when we think that what they are doing is wrong?

    1. mike102771 profile image84
      mike102771posted 6 months ago in reply to this

      It depends on your relationship with your parents. If in their eyes you are just that five-year-old that won’t do as she/he is told, then any argument without something to back it up is futile. There is a thin line between discussing and arguing. To some any disagreement is seen as arguing. This is very true in the parent/child relationship. So at 18 or any age your words may fall on deaf ears.
      It also depends on the strength of your argument (facts and knowledge trump opinion in most cases).

      In the end you may just have to accept that people are going to do what they are doing to do no matter what you think is right or not. You have to live your life and they have to live theirs (don’t get me wrong I don’t mean don’t care nor am I saying you should disconnect).

      1. Evane profile image67
        Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        We are talking about the wrong they committed here and not the relationship.

        1. mike102771 profile image84
          mike102771posted 6 months ago in reply to this

          How and what you say to your parents is directly proportionate to your relationship with them. As well as how they will take such talk.

          1. Evane profile image67
            Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

            What makes you say that?

    2. ladyguitarpicker profile image85
      ladyguitarpickerposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      No, It is not right to argue with your parents. Talk and discuses but do not argue or raise your voice. It is much easier to walk away.  They will do what they want to anyway.

      1. Evane profile image67
        Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        But what if they are allowing an immoral thing going on? Would you still not argue?

        1. ladyguitarpicker profile image85
          ladyguitarpickerposted 6 months ago in reply to this

          It would depend on what they were allowing. I would then express my opinion and let it go.

          1. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
            Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago in reply to this

            I would get out. Do whatever it takes:

            move in with grandmother,
            get a friend to be a room-mate in an apt or house
            go to school
            get a scholarship / go to school
            get a student loan / go to school
            get a job 
            do or plan to do these things ASAP
            stop talking to them altogether until they get their acts together

            If none of these things are possible I would continue to rant, rave and cry until they stop their shenanigans.
            Refer them to counselors or even family counseling for all of you.
            Read the Bible.
            Does the Bible say you can't express your feelings? To not discern right or wrong? To put up with evil in your own house? To not expect better from your parents?

            We all need as much help as we can get especially from loved ones.
            How else can we encourage Virtue?
            Maintain respect, but express how it makes YOU feel.

            1. Evane profile image67
              Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

              I believe moving out could be one great idea.

          2. Evane profile image67
            Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

            How about cohabitation? Do you think this is moral?

    3. word55 profile image81
      word55posted 6 months ago in reply to this

      It's okay to disagree with them but not to the point of arguing with them. Let them know that you disapprove respectfully of something. The Bible says, we should honor our father and mother.I've lost both, my father and mother. You may regret arguing with them especially after they are gone.

      1. Evane profile image67
        Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        I got your point. How do you respectfully disagree and talk to them about an immoral thing they are allowing?

    4. word55 profile image81
      word55posted 6 months ago in reply to this

      It will never be a right time to argue with your parents unless they are abusing you. Otherwise, honour thy mother and thy father Mark 10:19.

      1. Evane profile image67
        Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        They are abusing the person's kindness and patience.

    5. lovetherain profile image73
      lovetherainposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      You're 18/ You don't like it? Move out.

      1. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
        Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        Can an 18 year old just up and move out in today's economic climate? When I was 18 you could move out and move into an apt or even a small house in a lower class neighborhood with one friend each paying $250.00.

        NOT ANY MORE!!!! Do you KNOW how much it costs to rent an apartment? 
        Average apt. is $1,500.00 a month!!!! Are kids renting apartments? Oh yes they are, but more than two people are needed to split this high of rent. Not good when the roommates are they are all slobs and sleeping around with everyone in town!
        I know a 21 year old named Jake, (not really his name) who is sharing a room in a 2 bedroom apt. along with two other female roommates. The girls are in one room and Jake and John in another. Recently, John brought in a girlfriend to sleep with every night. Suddenly, he did not care about Jake in the least. Now Jake is on the couch in the living room most nights. Absolutely true story.

        Can Jake move out? No his car broke down and he just got a new job after dropping out of college since he could no longer afford it. It is not easy for kids today and they need more help than previous generations, if you ask me.

        1. Aime F profile image83
          Aime Fposted 6 months ago in reply to this

          Then don't move out and keep your sanctimony to yourself.  If they were being abusive or doing something that put her in danger then it's a different story, but what she's described is simply a difference of opinions and seeing as the situation seems to have actually nothing to do with her, I think she should keep it to herself.

          1. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
            Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago in reply to this

            Is it so torturous to one's parents to hold them accountable for living according to standards of decent behavior? They should hold off with their bad choices or lack of fortitude to set moral boundaries until after the kids move out!

                                                       A F T E R ! ! !

          2. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
            Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago in reply to this

            It is not a matter of sanctimoniousness!!! It is a matter of establishing an environment conducive for psychological health. Kids at this age still need positive role models and peace of mind to continue maturing into adulthood. Their frontal lobes are not even fully developed until the mid-twenties.

            "...emerging science about brain development suggests that most people don't reach full maturity until the age 25. Guest host Tony Cox discusses the research and its implications with Sandra Aamodt, neuroscientist and co-author of the book Welcome to Your Child's Brain."

            http://www.npr.org/templates/story/stor … =141164708

            1. Aime F profile image83
              Aime Fposted 6 months ago in reply to this

              Approving of someone moving in with their boyfriend/girlfriend (assuming they're an adult) is not detrimental to her psychological health.  It's her personal preference to not live with someone before she's married to them - it doesn't mean she has any right to impose that on anyone else or challenge her parents for approving of it. 

              Sometimes being a positive role model means teaching your kids that they're not always going to like the choices that other people make but you still have to let them make those choices for themselves.

              1. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
                Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago in reply to this

                We do not know what the details are. I am just establishing ways of thinking about the issue. I know a girl whose mother allowed her to live with a boy in her room (premarital sex is fine. roll ). Eventually, this girl got pregnant by some one else and is now raising the child in her bedroom. She is 36 and has no way to move out. Had the parents set boundaries and taught her moral behavior in her early years, the unfortunate situation she is enduring today could have been avoided.

  2. Matt Easterbrook5 profile image83
    Matt Easterbrook5posted 6 months ago

    Calm and relaxed conversations with our parents are always a great start in communicating. It is okay to have discussions with our parents and to not always agree with them. I would recommend doing your own research ahead of time so your disagreements are well founded and based upon real issues. Just some suggestions and remember your parents are always your parents and deserve to be respected as such in the end.

    1. Evane profile image67
      Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      I got your point. But what if they are allowing an immoral thing going on? Would you still not argue?

      1. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
        Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        I would reveal how it makes you feel. I would say its okay to show your sadness / anger. They should be aware of how their behavior affects you! I do not think you should just let it slide
        … at all.
        Shame on them. sad

        1. Evane profile image67
          Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

          Thank you for the comforting words. smile

      2. wilderness profile image97
        wildernessposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        You are not the moral police for your parents.  Speak your piece if you must, and then drop it.

        1. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
          Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago in reply to this

          And live with it?
          I disagree. Her rights to common decency are being violated.

          1. wilderness profile image97
            wildernessposted 6 months ago in reply to this

            If she doesn't like what they are doing, move out (even if something against her, which was not specified).  She is not their moral police nor even the one responsible for defining what "common decency" means to them.

            1. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
              Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago in reply to this

              They owe her an environment where she can thrive and continue maturing until she is capable of surviving on her own. How dare they negatively affect her psychological growth toward maturity. Everyone knows 18 yrs. old is still a child and kids are growing up slower and slower with today's average style of parenting where kids are sheltered, shielded, coddled and protected to the point that when they reach so called adulthood they are equipped for nothing! (Maybe I am wrong about that, but thats the way it seems to me. I hope to be corrected, if so.)

              If one parent is having a affair, that parent should get out.
              If both parents are having an affair they should both get out and pay their child's rent in the family home.
              And they need to help her get her wings so that she can move out / be independent by the time she's 21.

              1. Evane profile image67
                Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

                CORRECT! I absolutely agree.

              2. wilderness profile image97
                wildernessposted 6 months ago in reply to this

                You now have children in charge of determining what is moral for their parents to do while complaining that those same children do not mature as early as in the past.  Do you not find something awry there?

                Assuming that the child is out of school, the parents owe her nothing.  That many children wish to keep the (financial) apron strings tied does not mean parents owe them that.  And they certainly do not owe the child their dream home as described by the child. 

                Look back over the thread and you will find that the OP thinks moving out is a good idea.  Presumably she hasn't done so already because she wants financial assistance, but that is her choice.  She also specifically questions cohabitation of a parent, which is absolutely none of her business. 

                From the very limited information given, then, I'd guess that the child is living with one parent because it's cheaper and doesn't like that parent sleeping with another person.  Well, too bad - if she doesn't like it then move out and support herself.  She doesn't own the home, isn't supporting that home and has even less say on what (legally) goes on there than a 6 year old does.  That 6 year old is, after all, completely dependent on the parent while an 18 year old isn't.

            2. Evane profile image67
              Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

              Then who is their moral police? I think their kids are their best moral police.

              1. wilderness profile image97
                wildernessposted 6 months ago in reply to this

                They are.  They will determine what is moral for themselves, not a child.

        2. Evane profile image67
          Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

          @wilderness What is the use of speaking to them about it and then dropping it later?

          1. wilderness profile image97
            wildernessposted 6 months ago in reply to this

            At that point you have made your displeasure known, have indicated that their morals do not match your own.  They know that, and to argue that your morals, based on a few months of semi-adulthood (just a few months past being legally incompetent to care for yourself) are superior than theirs after a lifetime of experience and learning is inexcusable.  You are arguing that their knowledge and understanding of life is inferior to yours, even with years and years of additional experience.  I understand that teen agers usually think they know far more than their parents and are quick to judge their parents as inferior and wrong, but that is a mark of childhood, not maturity.  I've also watched as teen after teen grew up and figured out that their parents were smarter than they thought; that those same "inferior" parents actually did know something about life after all!

            So say your piece and then shut up.  You are not the guardian, and indeed are just a few short months past their being your guardian.  Make your wishes known if you must, but accept that yours are likely the inferior morals (meddling or controlling is not an admirable trait) and quit trying to "improve" your parents.

            1. Evane profile image67
              Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

              I got your point. But don't you think it is an entirely different story when what is at stake is their morality?

  3. Matt Easterbrook5 profile image83
    Matt Easterbrook5posted 6 months ago

    Any parent that would allow or promote their child to do any immoral things need have their heads examined. That is not parenting that is plain stupidity and hopefully the adult child will see these poor parenting skills acknowledge them and disregard them. Hopefully, they will see how wrong their parents are and not raise their own children in that manner. i do not think this happens very often, but adult children need to learn to think for themselves and not go along with poor advice from bad parenting.

    1. Evane profile image67
      Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      I like the phrase "to learn to think for themselves" since the person involved here is already 18 years old.

  4. Aime F profile image83
    Aime Fposted 6 months ago

    What do you consider to be immoral and are they forcing you to do it or is it their own stuff?  I ask because of your answer on one of the q's where you said anything that contradicts the bible is immoral, which is highly subjective and most definitely not the yardstick for morality for everyone.

    So I guess I'm saying it depends on the situation and if it's actually negatively affecting you or if you're maybe just being a tad judgmental.

    1. Evane profile image67
      Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      It is. Because cohabitation is immoral.

      1. wilderness profile image97
        wildernessposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        According to you.  But understand that millions of people, just in this country, disagree with you; that your opinion is not automatically correct just because it is your opinion.  Understand, too, that morals vary not only between cultures but within a single culture and none are innately better than others (I except those that accept intentional harm to others, including harm caused in an effort to force compliance with a moral standard).

      2. Aime F profile image83
        Aime Fposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        That's your opinion, but definitely not everyone else's. 

        It sounds like this is between your parents and one of your siblings.  How is this affecting your life in any way?

        1. Evane profile image67
          Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

          Correct analogy. It is affecting the person's life because cohabitation is immoral, sex before marriage is immoral, a sin.

  5. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
    Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago

    common decency is decency which is common to all.  Having affairs in front of their daughter, or trying to hide it is not decent. If its something beyond that, I can't imagine what it could be. Cheating, lying, stealing? Check The Ten Commandments!

    1. Evane profile image67
      Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      Correct. Very insightful Kathryn. The issue involved here is the parents allowing their child to cohabit, living under one roof w/o the sanctity of marriage.

      1. wilderness profile image97
        wildernessposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        Not everyone requires that a church OK living together.  Why should the parents - just because YOU think it is necessary?  They obviously don't share your religious beliefs - do you feel it is your task to force those beliefs onto everyone else or just your parents?

        1. Castlepaloma profile image22
          Castlepalomaposted 6 months ago in reply to this

          Oh boy, Mother was atheist, father was Catholic and brothers was Lutheran pastor.  No wonder my family were alcoholic. I'm the one with a career as an Artist I' m the one who should be getting too high.

        2. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
          Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago in reply to this

          The Ten Commandments, in fact, end up being psychologically sound principles regarding how to live, survive and thrive in life.

          1. Evane profile image67
            Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

            Correct!

  6. Castlepaloma profile image22
    Castlepalomaposted 6 months ago

    I trained my parents well and they lived a much better second half of their Iives. Yes you must confront if they are acting ethical wrong. Yet they do have 2 decades experience on you , listen more.

    1. Evane profile image67
      Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      I get you. Your ideas are contradicting. Please explain more.

      1. Castlepaloma profile image22
        Castlepalomaposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        I grew up in a house full of alcoholic bullies.

        I physically punch my father back for evey punch he gave me at age 8. I have no regrets because it prepare me to confront far greater bullies who try to run our lives unethically . The bully Government today create an delusion that they are parenting us and that they are a God with licences to kill and steal.

        I feel like the true Adult parent all over again. Luckily I can envision in my lifetime when our countries will become spiritual sided again.

        Where with my own parents they corrected themselves half way in their lifetime. Except an early death for my sister who could not survive.

  7. 59
    manofdirtposted 6 months ago

    Parents want the best for there children even if your 30 your still there kids ,that's how they see it .no one wants to see there kids in danger or trouble ,they want the best for you (i would think). You need to find the reasons they don't want you to do or stay somewhere they are expected in life and your safety would be no1 on the list

    1. Evane profile image67
      Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      What if the parents would not allow you to move out?

  8. 59
    manofdirtposted 6 months ago

    Just more on subject if you think your mum or dad is living life in a way it hurts you and there are abuses going on that are not acceptable to you or hurting you .then you need to change your situation of living .eg move out ,get help from someone close to you ,or doctor ,councillor hope this helps good luck

    1. Evane profile image67
      Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      Thank you for the comforting words.

  9. Aime F profile image83
    Aime Fposted 6 months ago

    You're right, we don't know the details, which is why I said "assuming they're an adult".  If it's a 15 year old wanting to move in with their 20 year old boyfriend then it's a much different story.  But if they're 18 and moving out and supporting themselves then "cohabitation is immoral" isn't a good enough reason to argue with someone, because not everyone believes that to be true.

    I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 18 and I'm now 27 and we got married 3 years ago and have a house and a child.  These situations aren't always scary or bad.

    1. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
      Kathryn L Hillposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      okay. smile  but its better to have more control, wouldn't you say? My neighbor's daughter was not so lucky. Her life is beyond hard ... to be perfectly honest.

      1. Evane profile image67
        Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        Yes, self-control is very important. It is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. And we should not challenge temptations.

    2. Evane profile image67
      Evaneposted 6 months ago in reply to this

      I got you Aimee but we are talking about the person's belief here and not yours or everyone else.

      1. Aime F profile image83
        Aime Fposted 6 months ago in reply to this

        Can you explain the situation a bit better then?

        From what I understood, you're upset with your parents for letting one of their other children move in with a boyfriend/girlfriend.  Are you saying the person who's moving in with their boyfriend/girlfriend believes it's immoral?

 
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