Divorce happens long before the papers are signed. The first real sign that your destin for divorce is the communication that you once had is gone. The long talks you use to have turns into one way conversations. Secondly, the time you get to spend together is time you would rather be somewhere else. Little things that you looked past turn into baggering arguments. Making love went from passion to prison. The long kiss goodbye turns into the peck and run. The way you would feel getting a phone call or when you knew you were going to see your spouse goes from that exciting,giddy,happy feeling to the dreadful thought of oh it's you again. The way to save it is to look to see if it's there not ignore it and hope it gets better. If you notice things are changing talk about it, change things up,strike the match that relights the flame, be who you are not what you have become. Love takes effort.
It starts with selfishness, every time. How it develops from their depends on you (both). The surest way to stay out of divorce/seperation, is to WANT to make it work (often at any cost--within reason). Once you reach the point where on (of you) gives up on trying, it's all but over. I'm coming up to my (our) 30th, and this attitude has worked for us. There's a LOT more work to do, but that has to be the starting point, or the rest is wasted energy, time and money.
Lgali, I would say to you that many are divorced on paper ,yet one partner (ex) is still not divorced in their heart. Likewise, many are married yet one partner has already moved on and is no longer emotionaly committed to his or her marriage. You can only commit YOURSELF as to how long it will be befor you allow your heart to accept the emotional changes that your spouse may be having toward you and your committments you once made together. Once you are able to define WHERE YOU STAND to your partner, I think the rest will take the proper course. Either way it goes, please try to always remember this.." Being loved (truely loved) has absolutly nothing to do with how YOU FEEL about a special person, but instead, How that special person makes YOU FEEL about yourself and alot of those feelings will come from how you are respected and treated and even admired as a person." If you are not being truely loved or respected, I would sugguest surounding yourself with those will treat you as such. Sometimes it is wise (not selfish) to concider how you are treated ABOVE how you would like to treat another...Just my opinion from many years of life, I hope it has helped you.
I am doing exactly the same... stay longer outside, return home and just sleep (after dinner, of course). But our husband-wife relationship is as firm as steel... or even gold. Till the children grow up, we discussed everything very intimately and now, she not even cares me and discusses everything with children, relieving me most of my burden. That is the typical family life in our society. Even after having grown up children, if we discuss things with our spouse, it will certainly create problems. In every family, children are the binding or bridging force between the couple. There is no place for sex for those having grown up children. There is no place for divorce in a model & disciplined family.
I am trying to understand what your advice here truely is ? I am not sure that I do however. Are you saying that your role is to be absent as much as possible driving your wife to only have her children to communicate with releaving your role as a partner to her obsolete until it is her duty to feed you? And then you can escape your other responsabilities by simply going to sleep? Please tell me if I understand you correctly or not. And could you please explain how you can be partners yet not Discuss things that deserve your attention as a unit without it solving problems instead of being the source of how they were created? One last question that I would like for you to answer so I can understand better from your prespective is did I understand you to refer to her once carring for you and talking with you as "most of your burdens" ? Just for the record..I will save any comments and bite my tounge until I know for sure that I have understood you properly or not. A quick response would be greatful as bitting my tounge so hard is begining to become quite painful !
I think we've worked out that you're asking, what is the sign that your marriage is heading for divorce?
Almost everyone says that the first sign was that something in their partner's behaviour changed. It may only have been a small change, and they probably didn't realise what it meant at the time.
For one poster, it was when they stopped sharing tea. For me, it was when my husband started complaining about my housework (or rather lack of - I've always been a hopeless housewife, he knew that and had never complained for seventeen years!). Those are two good examples of a typical warning sign.
Well, I'm not sure what the first sign is. I kinda knew when I got married that it wasn't going to last, we were just too different, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and even our interests were different. Still we lasted 10 years. I stayed so my kids would have a father and not be raised by a mother with a dysfunctional family.
No surprise we grew apart over the years, both of us regretting our lost youth and yearning for true love. The final straw came when my ex decided not to show up at our appointment with the marriage counselor. I started the divorce ball rolling the next day!
It's not so much a sign as a feeling. You don't suddenly think 'RIGHT! D.I.V.O.R.C.E'. It kinda creeps up and, if the measures needed to put things right aren't taken, are ignored, then you're beginning to swim without a paddle.
When that happens, the only thing I can say is a kind of whirlpool effect kicks in. Somehow - despite swimming against the current - you're sucked into a horrible, dark and miserable hole.
Now, I'm speaking from MY experience, but I think others' will say its a similar process.
The actual 'day of reckoning', the day one of you ups and leaves, will either be long in coming and kinda expected, or done in haste, panic, when you, your partner or both are at your most emotive. I took the emotive/panicky route. Though it genuinely wasn't intended. I didn't get up one day and drop the bomb. The day started like any other. By the end of it I was out and gone.
I remember going back, a month or so later, to an empty house, to collect my belongs. I was there by 10:30am, out by 16:00pm. I sobbed, every single minute of it. And no, it wasn't cathartic. It was bloody horrible.
Anyway, I hope I've gone somewhere towards answering your question
I think the first sign that you're heading for divorce is when each starts going his own way, and indifference sets in. If you care enough to argue, there's still some feeling there. But indifference is a killer.
I'd say the first (significant) sign of divorce is a shutdown of communication. Once this decision is made by either spouse, it's only a matter of time for divorce to enter the picture unless changes are made fast.
Someone in my life said she and her husband used to spend their weekend mornings, drinking (lingering over) tea and talking about all their plans and life in general. She said she knew there were serious problems in their marriage when "the tea drinking stopped". It is, of course, different for everyone. In this case, it wasn't, of course, the "tea drinking". It was their not having any shared plans/dreams any longer.
I think in cases where on partner hasn't done some horrible thing, and when it's a matter of two people growing apart; it has to do with an increasing number of "empty moments" or "troubled moments" that eventually become the "only moments". From what I've seen, I think people hang in for a long time, waiting for those "empty moments" to slow down - and then one day someone wakes up and asks if he/she wants to live his one life so "empty" (and whether that's a healthy situation for the children).
Thanks for an idea of a Hub, however most people want to hear about saving relationships.
I think that the first sign of divorce is when you realize that you wake up one day and realize that you love the person lying beside you less and less until there is no love at all. The realization is intense and you know that you have been living a lie except for the love of your children. So the first thing you do is move out of the bedroom for dignity of self and you would much rather sleep alone than sleep with the enemy. You think of doing what the other commenter did when she just walked off and then returned to get her things.
All that is left is wishing somehow you had saw the warning signs years ago and acted upon it instead of enduring more anguish and pain. You wonder how could you not have seen that you were holding the relationship together for years and the person is no longer who you want to be with.
With the realization that you are loving the person less and less comes a new realization of self that you may be better off without the person. I hope that the commenter of the thirty year marriage many more but I must say that by that time, the marriage becomes almost like a holding place. You want to leave but you have to consider more than just your emotions because by that time, it is not all about you. By that time, the relationship involves children, shelter, financial security and a status in society. Divorce would rob the children of a father whose does provide family stability. Being incogizant after years of "taking it," you think that a father figure is great for the boys even if you know now that he is not for you.
It is true, but when applying for loans writing a MRS. in front of your name gives the loan officer a sense that they are dealing with a secure situation. Also in today's society, it is still easier for couples to purchase a home instead of singles. So with maturity comes an examination of the socio-economical indicators.
Therefore, you must consider the time element and sacrifices that may arise if you go for the freedowm of divorce. Your greatest fear in today's economy no matter how educated, is pushing a cart of belongings for having walked away, emotionally motivated, loveless seeking love but somehow lost yourself and found a real world of emptiness. I think that most women have this embedded fear, so they stay a little for themselves but more for the children.
Sometimes the strongest does survive and these people who wish they could forsake all reasoning and go for it; avoid the "D" word because of uncontrollable circumstances.
Sometimes it is realizing you have stopped communicating. Sometimes it is a moment when you realize you are both going in seperate directions. Sometimes it is coming up with more things about the other person that you can't stand then things that you love or admire. No one truly knows how this happens, it just does. Sometimes you realize that no matter what you have tried, this person is not the one that is ever going to truly make you happy. Sometimes it is the moment you find out about the infidelity. Sometimes it is exhaustion from having carried the relationship and finally giving up. There are so many different signs that make people realize this marriage may be heading toward its final resting place. In some cases, the marriage can be saved and in others, it is clear there is just no going back.
This post is written from the perspective of the person who makes the decision - the person who walks out. Everything you say is valid in that case.
From the other viewpoint - the other partner who, more often than not, has no clue there's a problem - the first sign is a change in attitude or behaviour. As scmedico said, it may be a strange indifference, or increased criticism or a lack of patience. It's a warning sign that we all choose not to see, because we don't want to believe our marriage could be in trouble.
Moonchild's post can also be viewed from the perspective of someone who knew there was a problem but did everything they could to work it out. My boyfriend was the man who carried the relationship until he was exhausted and gave up, but he did not walk out. When there was nothing left for him to give, his wife walked out.
Well, I have been there twice and for me the first sign, from the mans side of things, is simple... The tone of all things changes. An general feeling of indifference becomes the dominant sensation in the houshold. There will be points of vascillation between complete indiffernce and wanting to work it out at all costs but the former will become more and the latter will be only a symptom of withdraw from the relationship. Once one party has decided consciously or subconsciously that they are done there is little that can be done to recover from this state. Think of a conversation and how you identify it in your mind... it is filtered through different "lenses" like love, anger, indifference etc. once you make it to indifference it is hard to assign any meaningful emotion to the conversation at that point and I have never seen it move backwards into love again... I hope that makes some sence.
From the point that you feel the shifts within your intuition. That is also probably the Real Time to resolve potential issues but mostly we all approach the opportunity from the other end of the spectrum. I think from not broaching the issues then.. we unwittingly end up challenging the other party to judge, compare or recommit.. Always the wrong approach, which we find out after the heart takes over from where intuition left off, if you know what I mean.
Hope so... I'm a Stubbly Mere Male, I mean.. Check out my pic !!
I think a huge red flag is when communication ceases, or decreases substantially. We hold things in. We begin to carry grudges. We don't express our needs and desires and expect our spouses to become mind readers. That's when expectations become premeditated resentments.
High Expectations from Partner - Many enter into marriage with high expectations. One day he/she would not be able to keep up with your expectations and are going ti be criticized for that leading to differences.
My first sign was when my husband went hunting, killed a deer and called his woman friend at work to tell her, claiming she had predicted earlier that day he would kill a deer. I can't believe I was that stupid.
I agree with the failure of communication between two people. Holding back and not letting your spouse know how you feel. Communication stops and you begin to playing house like two roommates. Eventually, one will leave.
for some people,the first signs of a divorce is a server knocking at the front door. but seriously,it isn't instantaneous,there are signs for quite a while and if two people can't discuss their problems ,then it shouldn't be a surprise.
This differs for everyone, depending on their family and lifestyle, but one of the signs is more and more time away from each other; a feeling of distance; lack of intimacy, although this alone is not a sign; arguing frequently; not communicating. However, I've known dozens and dozens of married people say "I had no clue" when they were approached by their mate wanting a divorce.
the first sign of divorce? for a percentage of people, the first sign is the realization that escape is possible. and by that i mean escape from the abuse. freedom.
then you work with the fear for what he/she will do to the children, worry over the threats being made, realization that he (i'm not gender biased, just in general it's usually men who make the most though i've seen it the other way) has already moved and safely hidden all the money, and the reality that he (or she) has had this set in motion for years, a just in case "you get the idea to leave me" scenario.
but you divorce anyway because the alternative is very rapidly becoming unacceptable. so you cross your fingers and hide your fears from the children. you hope that somehow when you fall, and you will fall under this scenario because they stick it to you - debt and homelessness - and you hit the ground hard, you don't lose faith in yourself. you hang onto the concept that you didn't deserve to be that afraid for all those years, or to be hurt all those times.
divorce can equal freedom and abject poverty, but ahh, the freedom to not have to keep one ear to the ground. it's like nothing else. _
I would have to say disinterest. As soon as you see your spouse not caring anymore, no matter what, thats when I would be scared. That probably means that the mind is made up and he/she couldn't care less what you do or say! Thats just my opinion though.
My first marriage lasted 2 years, (she got pregnant with my daughter and then split). My second marriage lasted 8 months, (caught her cheating on me and I split). My current relationship has been going strong for 13 years...we've lived together for 12 of those. I don't know...with divorce rates over 60% now, maybe the secret is just not getting married?
Let's see. My parents got a divorce, my brother got a divorce, I got a divorce... so I think I can say from watching them and experience that the 1st sign of divorce is...
1. lack of open communication 2. possessiveness 3. accusations of infidelity 4. arguments over the finances (where is my husband spending the money or on who...and vise versa) 5. the blame game 6. sleeping in different rooms
maybe not in any particular order accept for number 1. They stop communicating.
The first "sign" of divorce is "your name" on a marriage license...
Marriage is an institution...and I've been institutionalized twice. Although the accommodations were rather nice, (you know...padded cells and all), the straight jacket was just more than I could take...
My parents were separated twice, divorced once, and then re-married each other! Since my mother was pregnant with me when they got married the first time, and my sister and I were witnesses at their second wedding, I am one of probably very few who can say I was at both of my parents' weddings!
I thought there was a law were the officiator was supposed to deny two people their marriage vows if one or both were three sheets to the wind... I am sure my officiator cold smell the booze on my breath, not to mention my inebriated drunk laugh at the time... It really could have saved me the money and trouble of going through a divorce.