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Just found out I "may" be a step-mom to a 20 year old

  1. profile image61
    LovelyPersephoneposted 2 months ago

    Hey everyone.
    This is more a rant/gotta get this out before I melt down, then seeking help but any suggestions would be good

    So I've been with the same man for 15 years and about a week ago his mom dropped this little tidbit  on us. He "may" have a 20 something son. I say may because no DNA test was ever done.

    *The backstory per my husband and I know this girl so I do believe him*

    When my husband was 16, he was apparently at the same house party as she was. Now, she claims he got really drunk and he blacked out, (she says she was 100% sober), had sex (more like nonconsensual sex as a blacked out person cannot consent and a penis will stay erect when blacked out if stimulated enough) and she got pregnant.. The part(s) both of us have a hard time with is 1) if he blacked out why did she have sex  with him (He hates her, she knows this. He would leave the room/house when she showed) and 2) she was known to have sex with many different partners. When she told him she was PG, he asked for a Paternity test as she was telling different people that he was/wasn't the father depending on the person/place etc. So she took him to court in our home town about 2 years after the kid was born. The date of the DNA test comes and she no shows. That Judge tosses the case as her not showing is an admission, to him, that hubby isn't the father.

    Fast forward to about 10 years ago, we're living together, moved to a different city and we get a letter stating she's going after him again in a different city which rejected the 1st Judges decision.
    So this letter shows up 1 day before the court date and we can't make it. We call the # for legal aid and they tell us they can't get anyone assigned to us. Said we should call the Courthouse and see if they can delay the case for a week. We do and they say no way. So we try to get rides arranged (we don't drive) and No one wants anything to do with it (his own mother said " I'm not going to lose my job for this". So we miss the court date.
    Legal Aid said to wait until she wants Child Support for him (which we/they assumed would be within a few weeks/ month) and then challenge the 2nd judge's ruling as its not legal to make a man a "father" if paternity is not established. We hear NOTHING for next 10 years and honestly we forgot all about it kinda assumed that she got what she wanted was a name under Father (she apparently told MIL she was doing this for that)...

    Then about 2 weeks ago my MIL decided to be nosey on FB  and creeped the mother. She sees the son is also on FB, clicks the name and the only 2 images of the kid is one with so much hair you can't see his face and the second is a horribly grainy video of a burnout (he's driving the car) in which he "kinda" looks likes my hubby in profile. That night she tells him and shows him the pics she saved off FB.. He then panics and tells me when I'm at work.. I jump on FB and find his profile.. yep it does look like him BUT looks are not everything.

    Now my husband is mad at his mom for digging it up. He's conflicted himself because if he is truly the father he did exactly what he said he never would do to his child (he grew up without knowing his own father until he was 16 and we do not speak to him because of his actions . We both don't want this kid to be his for many reasons but if he is, we don't wanna be like "Hey Child, it's been 20 years, I think I'm you dad casue my nosey mom saw a grainy video when creepin' your facebook"
    OR
    is he gonna show up on our doorstep at 25 and be like "why didn't you want me???"

    Now I sit in limbo..

    1. profile image73
      Setank Setunkposted 2 months ago in reply to this

      Mothers are mothers by creating life. Father is a presumptive term given to men in expectation of their active parenting. Your man, through no fault of his own, is little more than a sperm donor. Don't let guilt lead you to a sense of responsibility that is not there. If the kid wants to find out what is what he can go through the mother and then to you if justified paternally. Give yourselves a break and live your lives.

    2. Live to Learn profile image81
      Live to Learnposted 2 months ago in reply to this

      Don't begrudge the boy for the mother's actions. My brother had a similar situation. She said it was his and never pursued it. The boy showed up at a party when he was twenty one, met one of my brother's kids and introduced himself as my brother's son. My brother attempted to be a dad to the guy but it was rather late, the boy was already on drugs and no amount of influence could counteract the influence of a seedy mother and her family. They did do a blood test and it confirmed paternity.

      If he shows up, treat him kindly. But, if he is a bad seed don't let your husband kick himself in the head for not being there.

  2. profile image61
    LovelyPersephoneposted 2 months ago

    Thank you.. that's what I was thinking too, both of you.. I already saved the name of a local family lawyer JIC. His mom wants us to contact him and my hubby told her to butt out... not her choice and he threaten to disown Her if she does it behind his back.

 
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