What would you do or advise a friend to do if they had NO idea that their spouse had a tiny portable spy cam and was caught with it by one of their kids? (spouses step child). When confronted he tried to deny and hide it but when that failed,He said he had it to see what the kids were doing . 2 are his step children and 1 is a girl that is a teenager. NONE of the children have EVER done anything to warrent being spied on.All good kids and never even "talk back". Plus it was being hid from the mother as well. Dont Know how long he has had it,But it is wireless and portable lense and also a hand held receiver for viewing. Dont know if other lenses are hid in the house. What do you think? Sleeping w/the enemy or not? Being spied on and not even knowing about it or for what reason is very violating but when the guilty is your trusted spouse of 10yrs What would you think if it were you and then..what would you do?? only serious replys' please.
Seriously, either leave or make him leave. That's disgusting no matter WHO he was watching...even if it was his own wife, violation of personal space and the law!
You know,Miss D, That was my first gut feeling as well. It made me sick and full of rage to! Then you wonder all the hows and whats next and what if you are wrong and so on. Its very hard to just spit out what to do when you feel that you dont have all the facts ,but since one cant know anothers head or what may be going on inside of it..all I know to do is to concider all the opinions I can get. So far,My gut answers are proving to be the correct ones by concidering everyone elses thoughts on the situation. Thank you for posting yours.
Here are my possible solutions....
1) Give them something to really watch on the spycam
2) LEAVE the house
3) Get a divorce because the trust is beyond repair
4) Check if that person is suffering from paranoia
5) Look into taking legal actions
6) LEAVE the house
7) search the entire house for more cameras
8) Place a camera somewhere to spy on him
9) Tell his mother
10) LEAVE the house
I'd DEMAND to see the footage taken. Since he already tried to deny it, something's up. If he refuses to show what he's filmed (or explain exactly what was filmed if footage has been erased), I'd tell him to leave. IMMEDIATELY.
Since he's a stepfather and one child is a teenager, I would talk to the teenager somewhere completely away from the stepfather and gently ask if she has ever felt uncomfortable around her stepfather or noticed anything else strange.
However, does he have a hobby that he's embarassed about (unknown to the mother) that might give a reasonable excuse for having it?
Wow. He may have done it because he suspects that she is having an affair, and wants to know for sure before confronting her. Or he may just be a very controlling person.
Either way, it shows a great lack of trust and it is difficult to maintain a relationship much less a marriage when there is so little trust.
Thank-you Rockwell for your honest reply. Since this is about a man I think all male responses will speak in volumes.
Thank-You Kelsey for your comment. There is no Footage (or such has been said) Only the hand held reciever has a screen for viewing but no play-backs as far as can be told by an electronically retarded woman. The advice about the teenager is very good advice and I think should be done if not already. Im not sure what kind of "hobby" could be embarassing to the husband that could be acceptable with children at home? But maybe there is something that I would not think of to be sooo bad. Thats why I ask. Thanks again.
There have been instances of men mounting tiny cameras on their shoes or the bottom of baby strollers to see up women's skirts or placing them in bathrooms... but on second thought, don't know that "hobby" is really the best word for that though O_O.
OH-Yeh, I have heard of weirdos' with such ways as that. It really make you wonder whats wrong with their heads. Could you imagine having to wonder of your own home and what exactly is on the mind of your spouse or what happened to his mind that not long ago you admired?? Such a difficult place to be. Thanks for explaining. APEKSHA is correct. #3 on the first list is really true. Thank you both. Hiding it=somethings up..that is hard to NOT believe.
Thank You also Shibashake for your reply as well. I cant imagine her being suspected of an affair. She is not even well enough to handle all that is needed in her own home. He has never seemed the controling type befor but something is very odd.His personality is more of the quiet type that never forgets and is smarter than average. Everyone Knows him as a good man and this would never be believed by anyone that knows him and the wife is between disbelief one minute and calling the police and rage the next. She has told no-one yet as this has just happened yesterday afternoon. The trust will never return if a better explaination does not surface. AND fast. thanks again I truely need to hear responses all possabilaties and advice.
I was married to a man very, very similar to this. Your friends husband is probably a narcissist, sociopath like my ex. Those are diagnoses, not judgements. My ex looked basically normal to everyone in the "outside" world. He was so cute and charming and sweet and helpful...but I've seen what he really is. He only allowed myself and our kids to see this side of him, in order to make us look stupid to other people, for thinking he was anything but amazing and perfect! He also talked to our kids about video taping me....not good!
A friend of mine went through a similar situation only it was his wife that had planted secret cameras throughout their home. In her case, she suspected he was cheating on her and hired a P.I. to investigate. The story I was told was that he went to the public library to investigate a rash he says he received from riding his motorcycle without wearing any underwear. Yes sounded funny to me too but he was the macho type that wouldn't confide in a doctor. The P.I. located the book and it described all types of rashes including ones caused by secually transmitted diseases and this is what he reported back to the wife.
I knew my friend well and I'd say he was a bit flirtatious but not unfaithful to his wife. After finding the cameras he reacted badly and destroyed them costing the wife and the P.I. a lot of money but then the marriage desolved very quickly becasue of the lack of trust and communication.
I see some here are quick to jump to the perverted but unless you are privy to the inner sanctums that couples relationship I wouldn't be so quick to judge.
LIVEWITHRICHARD; Thanks for your kind response; It is just so hard to NOT "jump to the perverted" as you put it,when there is any chance where there are children envolved.A teenage step-daughter, saying it was to spy on the kids, I just have a hard time thinking as well that he would really think of his wife as not being faithful to him as she has endured so much just to be with him for what she believed for 10yrs,him to be.Like I mentioned earlier, this is a bright person,not one to be controlling or jealous without cause. WHAT I do know is she has never given him reason to not trust her in ANY area of their relationship in 10yrs.Would you say that to think she is cheating is odd being that he has never asked her anything or voiced a concern for such? Just searching for answers..thank you!
Not knowing anything about your friends husband, I don't know what to think, however, we have seriously thought about putting surveillance cameras in our home. It has been broken into several times (forced entrance), and we have had intruders more than once, even when someone was home (came in through an unlocked door). Oh, and we live in a safe neighbor hood.
My husband hates for me to be nervous, and if it had been him who discovered the break-ins, I think he would have tried to do his own detective work. He likes to have answers, before he states that there is a problem.
Thanks Ivorwen, How much I hope your outlook is all that it amounts to ! something so simlpe that warrents no concern. I asked him myself What do you think they are doing? (refering to the kids) he said he didnt know. I asked if he was missing anything in his room, again He said he didnt know but hasnt noticed yet if he was.I then asked,and for good kids and nothing missing..your worried about what they are up to but their mom doesnt need to know? how is that so? He pleaded it was a dumb idea,but this man is not dumb. When your robbed of your personal privacy but you dont know at what times or where in your home or if it was your daughter in the shower and not your son in someone elses room ,,,so many thoughts.how does one handle such uncertianty? It really hurts. Again Your outlook would be the best news ever! but how do you know after your trust has been robbed as well? just asking..thanks
OK - found it
Throw him out - no question. Not a difficult decision if this is true.
If this is true? I joke, but not on these lines ever. This is not a pole or wanting views to write on. This is real. Thank you for responding. You may not hear this from me often but your reply is on the same page as I feel. If we agree there must not be much more to cover. :)thanks
Yeah, I would have to go with tossing him out. I know it sounds flippant, and this is obviously easier said than done with the amount of years and of course the children involved.
This is just one of those things (to me) that cannot be justified.
Best case: he did it to spy on the wife because he's paranoid, in which case the relationship is deeply troubled
Worst case: he is peeping at the teenaged girl, hope not but if this is the case, I'm sure I don't need to offer advice for how to handle that one.
Sorry for the person in this yucky situation. I hope for the best resolution for all involved and that no further hurt is visited upon the family.
I dont want to agree with you Roo Bee but you are so correct that I see no way not to agree. Your Understanding means alot when concidering the children who know not any of this and only see him as dad. Your sympathy for the family as a whole and wishing them no further hurt is so thoughtful and kind. Thank-you for taking your time to share these thoughts with me as it helps to know that others agree and your not jumping to being unreasonable in a stressful time which sometimes people will do. This is a topic that I could never discuss with a friend or one who could know my face it is too shamefull and unless he is 100% guilty of something bad, It would be wrong to scar his name. The concerns and responses here mean everything at this point because of those reasons and I thank you for them.
I had this happen when I was foster parenting at a private child care "ranch" - a foster parent in the community had planted a spy cam in the bedrooms of the teen girls there.
I don't know if this question here is for real...but in this situation, he needs no 2nd chances. He's got problems, and deceit is the minor one. He's a pediphial waiting to happen.
He needs help, but no support from me, if he were mine, while he's getting it, the relationship would be over immediately.
Safety of kids and wife/mother first.
Thanks for your experienced advice. You dont have to wonder about the truthfulness of this it is very real and as I stated earlier I find no place for humor on such topics as this. I can only think that the reason that comment was added was because of a joke I had posted about Mark finding my dog. It was not my dog btw ,no more than he found it or ate it. We both were being quite light-hearted and a bit humorous. This however, is nowhere along those lines and I am very thankful for any of the view-points that it brings. It is a very shocking and disturbing discovery and ones mind can sometimes run rapid with conclusions. Hearing opinions of others can help keep ones focus where it need be. Thank-you for helping."No second chances and Child/Mother safty first" are also my beliefs(if in fact he is up to no good) I WISH I WERE PSYCIC or knew one that was !
I'm assuming by your description that the wife has no idea where the camera was when her husband was using the recorder. All of the receivers I know of have some sort of recording capability. It will either be internal or an internal/external drive. Your friend can discover this by looking at the recorder and looking for an SD slot or usb slot on the recorder. She should also find the make and model of the recorder and do a Google search on it. From there she should be able to get a pdf version of the users manual so she can figure out how it works, then she'd have a better idea of what he may have done.
If it turns out there is the possibility of covert recording of the kids, she should contact law enforcement. The added pressure form the police will go a long way to discovering if he recorded any of the kids. It seems suspicious that he would do this and not discuss this with his wife, especially considering the fact that two of the kids are his wife's and not his by blood. You don't make the status of the teenage daughter clear, but if she's his or not, that is no excuse for his behavior.
The fact that he did this without notifying his spouse and getting her input looks really really bad. I sell a few of these items myself and would only ever advocate them for monitoring your home while you're away. The way he uses them is not acceptable under any standard and it needs to be investigated.
As for what she should do with him, my answer is divorce. He apparently doesn't trust her enough to get her input on something this important, he probably doesn't take her marriage vows to her very seriously either. Playing it off as "a stupid mistake" isn't enough. He either did something illegal with the cameras or he did something unethical with them. Either way she's better off without him.
Thank-you for your help LEDEFENSETECH ! I am sorry for not responding yet to the other post but after I read yours I got busy to find out more details on the equipment. I have all she knows about in my hand now and looked for slots an the reciever and found none. I would like to discribe the reciever to see if you are familer with it and know more about it than what my eyes can tell. It is called an ASTAK, its about the size of a hand held game such as a nintindo DS, maybe a bit smaller.it is rectangler in shape with the display screen at the top. It is white in color and has the following buttons across the middle in between the screen above and the speaker below. The 1st button is on the left side and is completely round with the words cam. on/off written in blue directly beneath it. Directly across on the right side is the 3rd button, it looks exactly the same as the first but has the word channel written beneath it. NOW it is the 2nd button in the middle and slightly centered a bit lower than the left and right ones that is different to me and its function is unclear a bit. It is round and a little more oval in shape with the word auto written in blue across it.Surrounding this button are 4 arrows.top bottom and both sides much like the center of a remote control button where your arrows would be. Do you know what that is for. It only has a snow/stattic when you turn it on without that lense nearby and pushing the auto button seemed to make no difference. DOWN the sides has the following. On the left sid the word RECEIVER is written and then there are 2 tiny holes. One says, DC9V and the other says, a/v out. The right side only has an on-off switch and a place to change the brightness and perhaps sound. NO slots that I can see but does this mean it could still record? It is the exact thickness of a pack of cigarettes that you can buy in the box instead of the pack. The lense is small an round and creates an amazing picture for its size.Just like a full size recorder would. Although it came with some type of small box looking type devise,that part was found in the mans car still in the box and well hid. The lense itsself has a tiny cord about 2to3in long that attaches a 9volt to the lense making it portable to carry around yet still work. It appears that the reciever being used at the time of being cought was a seperate purchase and not the same as in the "nanny cam" box which is where the lense came from. The trust and marrage is prob. a given at this point but wanting to know exactly what has been or could had been seen If the daughter(his step daughter) was violated from this and to what degree would drive any mom insane I believe, so thank you for your help and any info you can provide. I will continue to google as well but I know very little in this area of tech. Thank you again
Sorry about not replying sooner MT, my hubitivity scrolls by so quick I have to dig sometimes to find what I want. Did it look something like this: http://www.astak.com/product.asp?serial=CM-916A. If so it looks like a baby monitor type system, so you probably couldn't record anything. Unless that is you hook it up to a TV and record to the VCR or something. So chances are good that there is no video of what he was really doing with the camera.
In the absence of hard proof, all we have to go on is the actions of the principal actor in this little play. Even if he had good intentions, which is hard to believe because he kept this all to himself, his actions show a gross lack of trust to his wife and his children. Any good relationship is based on trust and he obviously doesn't have any towards his family. So your friend needs to base her decision on that. It's not pretty, but nothing about this situation is pretty.
She might want to look for unmarked VCR tapes or other unusual tapes. If he did record something, the evidence would be there. I'm sorry that this happened to your friend. I hope I was able to help.
The bum needs to LEAVE the house immediately and for good, and then the house needs to be swept for any hidden cameras he may've left behind. This guy is bad news all around!
Very Creepy and dangerous behaviour
Leave or if you cant report him
If its possible get someone to set one up for you,turn the action on him.
Here's how I reason out that situation:
If they're your kids and my kids together, and you think there's reason to suspect OUR kids of something worthy of spying, I expect you to discuss the concerns and ideas for what to do about it with me. If you don't you're disregarding my rights as their mother. There's a good chance "out you'll be going" because of such thinking.
If you have no reason to be concerned and just decide to spy on one or more of them, I think you have mental problems - so out you'll be going.
If it's MY children (and they're just your step-children) that goes double (or triple or more) for all the above points.
So, between "all signs pointing to out-you-go", and my worries about protecting my own children, out that guy would go (at least until I got a really, really, good and reasonable explanation beyond 'stupid idea'). Since it is not likely the guy would be able to give me a good enough explanation - I suspect he'd be out permanently.
I just recently found that my husband (now my ex-husband) placed a spy cam in our bedroom. It was in the form of an alarm clock. This particular camera didn't feed into anything, but had a USB card that could just be inserted into the computer.
Needless to say, I kicked his sorry butt out and filed for divorce the very next day. He said he thought I was cheating on him, which is just laughable. We have a 3 year old daughter, and he works nights. I never gave him any reason to believe I was unfaithful. Apparently he's just a very paranoid soul. I never pressed charges, as I thought divorce was punishment enough, but I do believe it's highly illegal to place a spy cam in the bedroom (or bathroom), even in your own home.
I'm so sorry your friend is going through this. I know how painful it is to suddenly realize there is no trust in a marriage. She will be so much better off without him. It's hard to see now, but eventually she will!
I agree with Rockwell. Throw the guy out and get a lawyer..
Sounds like a perv- this dude is no good and up to no good.
Get rid of ASAP.
Sorry to say it.
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