I have a friend that is 3 months pregnant and has been drinking alcohol like a fish! I haven't said anything to her because it is her body, her baby, and her choice. But I can't help but be angry with her every time I see her do this. I also feel guilty that by not saying anything, I am just as guilty as she is....almost like I am endangering the welfare of this child. Should I say something to her??? If so, what do I say?? How do I say something without coming across like a pompous ass?
OMg yes I would prolly flip out on her. Now thats just wrong to do!!!!!!!!!!!I would say someting and if she dont listen to you call your local Child Protection Services. They might beable to do something. The baby could come out having fetal alcohol syndrome.
I think I would say something if she was drinking to excess. You don't want her to think you are judging her, just make sure she is aware of the danger. Does she make her monthly OB appts.? If she does, then she is aware of the do's and don't's of pregnancy.
Once the baby was born, if you saw her injecting said baby with drugs or feeding it alcohol, would you say anything to her? Would you report her to the authorities? There's no difference in what she's doing now.
Child abuse is a choice. And the consequences are pretty horrific for the child, not to mention the consequences to the perpetrator. It's her body, but she's committing a crime. She needs to be reported as a child abuser. Fetal alcohol syndrome is absolutely a life of hell. Her child doesn't deserve this. If you don't have the courage to confront her, report her. Scream it to everyone until someone in authority takes this by the horns.
all they can do is wait for the poor sap to be born and then be taken from the mom. That's if the baby survives..and then you'll need someone with a heart and sould like the Florida couple that was murdered to take the kid in...
...wow, personal attack? if I did that to every comment I didn't like, there wouldn't be a lot left in forums...all I said to Misha was that he needed to understand my point of view...from the line of work I do. I NEVER tried to attack anyone...be careful Misha, I didn't post half naked pictures and say threatening things...
I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that the "authorities" are not the traditional police that many people think of but rather the local Family Protective Agency that deals with these types of special issues--child abuse and such. I believe they are legally required to investigate all complaints made.
That is an interesting point. I have talked with my husband about this a lot as she and her boyfriend are friends with both of us and my husband tells me I should mind my own business. Keep my noise out of it were his exact words I believe. I guess the issue now comes down to "how" do I broach this subject with her--not if I should.
If it makes you feel guilty by being quiet, you need to say soemthing. My mother drank heavily while pregnant with me, I was born a month early. My sister inlaw got real drunk, once, when she didnt know she was pregnant, and her baby was born with only 2 chambers in her heart. NOW, there is no way of knowing these happend cuz of alcohol, but if you thought something was dangerous, why risk it? Just let her know you are saying this becuase you care, not that you are judging, you only want whats best for her and her baby. After youve said your piece, its up to her to make the right choice.
I wish we could do without these insults in the forums. It's completely counter productive. If you don't agree with Misha, well then alright. It's a forum, people have the right to share their opinions.
I'm not sure if you've ever been pregnant, but any doctor will tell you NOT to drink ANY amount while pregnant. There is no research that can conclusively state that any amount of alcohol is safe. Any thing you eat or drink during pregnancy passes from you to the baby via the umbilical cord and being that the baby is not fully developed he/she can't properly digest the alcohol. It can have very serious consequences!
Any AMERICAN doctor. And I am not a complete idiot, and know a few things about babies and such, both from my own experience, my wives, my friends, and from a vast amount of literature I read on the topic, thank you
That said, looks like you really want to go ahead and say it - and this is all that really matters at the end, so just do it.
Very well said no doctor that i know in my country would advice drinking in pregnancy. I would say this is not the time to leave her to her fate. Talk about it make her understand what is at stake; she may initially shun it. In the long run she will appreciate the help, do it for the new life that is yet to be born.
I was a bartender while in college. I ran into this problem alot. I would refuse, no way not in my bar. Those women shoud be ashamed, fetal alcohol syndrome in a newborn is crucial and life threatening. She should of though about that before she got pregnant. Not in my bar is all i say. Tell her your concerns, if you dont you might as well be an enabler.
I'm glad you took a stance against this : ) I am really leaning towards saying something to her I just don't know who to approach the subject with her. I once jokingly said "Wow! I never took a sip of alcohol when I was pregnant. You are brave." I thought she was going to punch me in the face.
Good for you. If I was a bartender, I'd refuse to, as well. Other than that, if I didn't know the woman I'm sure I'd gape and give very dirty looks....not sure I'd say anything. If I knew her, I definitely would say something. Also seeing pregnant women smoking makes me so upset.
Some U.S. doctors are now saying that having a glass of wine is ok every once in a while, while pregnant. That is SUCH dangerous, STUPID advice! A glass of wine can mean different things for different people. 4 oz, 6 oz, 8 oz, 10 oz....every one has a different understanding as to what one glass of wine means.
I would never risk it. Anyone who has ever learned/seen a child with fetal alcohol syndrome will probably never drink while pregnant.
When I have kids someday and if my doctor tells me that I can have a glass of wine once a week, I would find a new doctor immediately.
I had two half-glasses of wine when I was pregnant, one at Christmas, one on my birthday, in March. The March one was in a restaurant with my dinner. I didn't drink more than half of each, because I didn't feel like it. Had someone refused to serve me that glass, I wouldn't have been a happy camper.
A pregnant woman is responsible for the life she is carrying. If she can't refrain from drinking and smoking for 9 months while she's carrying a child, then she has no business getting pregnant. It is just the beginning of the sacrifices she is going to have to make.
I think the world of you but drinking while pregnant is very dangerous. No credible MD would say it is ok even in moderation, at least thats the way us Southeners look at it. In this state, if you are caught drinking by an officer or a Social Worker even in a rest. you can be arrested for endanering your child and CPS could take that child at birth.
May be someone should explain these things to her. If she gets a light buzz so does the baby, if she drinks too much so does the baby, an innocent miracle.
Would you put in a baby's botttle and feed it to them, you might as well.
That's not what you said to start with!! You implied motives behind fetal alcohol syndrome - which you still haven't explained. So, what is it? No explanation for what you said. Just your random, irrational feelings is it?
No probs personally Misha, but I just don't like your trivializing this subject (which is a serious one IMHO). Fine, you have your personal views on it and I am okay with it - but why would you attribute motives to everything (without any evidence to back it up)?
I mean I just think it is soooo wrong to drink (moderate or not) while one is pregnant!! Now, its none of my business what a woman does, but I sure would tell her what I know. What she does after that, of course, is up to her. But, I sure wouldn't tell her that drinking alcohol in moderation is okay during pregnancy!!!
I would definitely say something but not in a lecture sort of way I would just be like "do you think that's a good idea? FAS is pretty scary" The woman would feel extremely bad if in 3 months she gets an abnormal amnio. FAS is a leading cause of birth defects and developmental disorders. Some doctors (even ones I've worked for) have told their patients to have a glass of wine to calm their nerves. But the truth is that there is no "safe" level of alcohol consumption if you are pregnant.
Yeah know maybe, if we began to just accept people the way they are, then that acceptance would lead that person to maybe recognize, that it is harmful to her unborn child to drink excessively. but Give that person your unwanted right and wrong living attitude, and she'll just rebel, and more then likely go get drunk again. Because Yeah know what, It is the right and wrong people that create others to feel hopeless and worthless.thanks
Thank you goodfriendiam! I don't want to impose my beliefs on her and cause her to rebel and do something harsh but on the other hand, I know what she is doing is harmful to her and her baby. I truly only want to help her have a healthy happy baby. I don't even know if she knows that what she is doing is wrong...
Know problem, I just remember how I was once on both ends of the spectrum. On one hand I was imposing what I believed and then on the other hand I had others imposing what they believe on me. And I have finally come to a place that, I am o.k with who I am and accept others for who they are. Thanks
Of course it does! I think you are very right. Although, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is nothing I would want to see happen to anyone's child. Even if the chance is slim. I would want my friend to know I care for her and the child. It is not about judgment. Although, it is easy to say what I would do, since I am not in that situation. That is a tough one.
Nicotine is a whole different subject. My mom smoked when she was pregnant with me and I have asthma. I was also very very colic-y as a baby, very possibly due to me withdrawing from nicotine that my mom had transferred to me. As far as alcohol is concerned, I already posted my comment.
Don't remember the exact latin wording, but in reverse translation from Russian it sounds like "After this does not imply because of this". There are quite a few other things that can contribute to asthma and colic, like epidural, early cord cut, excessive antibiotics, formula - just to name a few wide-spread American habits
I didn't have any of it. While what I'm speaking of is correlation, you are right, it doesn't necessarily mean causation. However, since my mom is a super healthy person, minus the smoking part, and I was her first child and had lots of prenatal care, I blame the smoking. My mom breast-fed and breast milk also has a nicotine concentration.
I don't mean to say that you are not right about your nicotine withdrawal. That would make you colicky, for about three days, unless you were breastfeeding and constantly recieving small doses. You received 2% of whatever she got.
This is very true. My sis-in-law always thought that my nephew had allergies because she smoked. It turned out that she was on antibiotics early in her first trimester. Antibiotics, being taken during pregnancy, are responsible for a lot of cases of childhood allergies and asthma. This can be proven, also. All that can be proven with cigarettes is low birth weight in some babies, which is not good, but it puts things into perspective. I was sick through much of my pregnancy, and I refused to take antibiotics. I would have taken them if absolutely necessary, but fortunately my doc was in agreement with me about the dangers.
if she were my friend, you better believe i'ld set her down and give her an ear full. my step daughter is living proof of the dangers of drinking while pregnant and i don't mean that in a funny way. Believe me, I would still love to get a hold of her mother and beat the living daylight out of her. My step daughter is physically, emotionally, and mentally handicapped. If you're her friend and you don't say something, who will?
If you do mention something, I recommend you don't do it in a hostile or challenging way. Rather, take a supportive approach. Chances are the woman's heard it elsewhere and could use help rather than a lecture.
And by the way, this discussion inspired me to write a hub on the topic, my first in ages. Yay!
YES. yes i would say something. Times have changed since i was a kid. Knowledge is there now where it wasn't before. Drinking in vast quantities can hurt a healthy person. so imagine what it's doing to an unborn child, whose only source of nutrition and sustenence is from the mother. a selfish person would ignore what they saw. a selfish person would not listen to others about their drinking problems and the damage they may be inflicting on the unborn child. STOP being selfish. for the mother, the game of life is now a team sport. Stand up, walk over and remove the booze from the mother-to-be and then let her know that she's eating for two out of necessity. she's drinking for one out of pure selfishness. the unborn has not asked for a rum and coke with a lime twist. get a grip people. the knowledge is out there now. stop being a fool and use it.
It would depend on how much they are drinking. If I saw them out there getting drunk, and if I cared about them, I would feel it to be my duty to say something to them. I would however be nice about it. I feel like there is a wrong way and a right way to approach a subject.
Personally, I would sit her down and tell her flat out she is wrong. In fact I would discard her as a friend. She's being selfish. what if she stumbles (sober) and fall down and cause damage to her baby. Wouldn't she be concern and feel guilty that would be an accident and her remorse would be unbearable. Drinking like a fish while pregnant a woman know she's taking a 50/50 chance so I would tell her any damage done was intentional on her behalf.
So....this woman is physically hurting a defenseless little baby and you wouldn't do anything? The elderly guy in the scenario I gave had more of a chance to defend himself. I really just don't see the difference between the two.
Actually, I probably wouldn't call the authorities unless I had spoken with her first. If she still continued, I would speak with her again and let her know what I was prepared to do by calling the authorities. If she still didn't stop, I would call them.
I (grudgingly) admit that you are right (as usual ) in that this is not a straightforward case. The authorities will not do anything unless the drinking is excessive to the point that the baby undoubtedly will be harmed. And then they would stop her, even if she had to be jailed to do it.
I guess that I just have a hard time sitting around and watching defenseless beings like babies/kids, the elderly and animals being needlessly harmed.
Oh no, I am wrong quite a few times, but thanks for the compliment. I too don't like a sight of helpless suffering, and try to help as much as I can. But I think this case may fit, or may not, depending really on the amount of her drinking, as I already said. We don't really have any way of knowing it. And no, I do not think that ANY amount of alcohol is harmful, after all some regular drinks contain a small amount of alcohol.
Perhaps I'm a bit hyper-sensitive to the subject. I spent almost 20 years in the beverage alcohol business with the largest BevAl company in the world. We worked quite closely with the Century Council to help stamp out alcohol abuse and had a zero tolerance policy when it came to advertising to kids. (We would have worked with MADD too, but they don't want to stamp out alcohol abuse. They just want to get rid of alcohol altogether. Nutjobs...)
Bottom line, I think I'm just too close to the statistics and the unfortunate outcomes to make a really rational argument here. Sorry for any thread hijacking I might have unintentionally done.
Since she is a friend, I would point out to her what experts say about it. I really can't believe a pregnant woman would continue drinking these days with all the evidence of how bad it can be for the fetus. But...all in all, it is basically her decision.
Im with you on that Irohner ,and y'know despite whats the norm , or what authorities might ,or might not do , I would do all that I could to convince this 'friend' that she was putting her baby at risk.
If the pregnancy ended in stillbirth , I would deeply regret, not trying to help.
I've been away from it for quite some time, but I can tell you that it really wasn't fully tracked until sometime in the 90's in the US, since the long-term ramifications of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome weren't known until then. Most of the studies have shown that FAS differs with the group studied -- different age brackets, income brackets, geographic regions, etc. Right now, the incidence of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome varies from 1 in 100 live births to 1 in 2000 live births. No one to date has been able prove that there is any amount of alcohol use during pregnancy that is safe -- or disprove it either. I've given birth to three kids though, and I know I wouldn't take a chance on their health.
It's also been proven that even occasional "binge" drinkers have a chance of having children with FAS symptoms, even if it's not full-blown FAS.
Oh, and totally agreed on the MADD money machine. Century Council, however, is doing it right.
As far as my knowledge, there are no laws preventing a pregnant woman from imbibing in alcohol if they so choose. Surgeon general posted warnings in the US are required to be displayed, but a woman does not have to follow them.
You are so right, Anam. There are no laws against it. There are also no laws against a woman smoking while she's pregnant. Or smashing her belly with a hammer. Or a host of other things she could do to hurt her baby. So sad...
Of course I would speak up. I'd give factual information but leave the choice to that person. I have seen first hand how alcohol can devastate the mother and her future born child. How could I not say anything, knowing the resulting consequences??
I would say NO seriously no but please don't mind. You can wait for some time. If you do not think about your health at least think about the new life who has taken birth inside you. Let the baby come out and then you are free to enjoy...... but then also it is your wish and is in your hands because it's your baby.
I am not getting this hub now. it's about would you let a pregnant woman drink or not to drink alcohol. with the knowledge we have now about medicine, science, and just the "trial and errors" of human nature that we have at our finger tips with this internet and the 10,000 freakin channels on the idiot box - this topic should be a no brainer. if you have a friend who is drinking while pregnant you have a responsibility to tell her to stop drinking. if not for her, most definitly for the baby. The baby, whose life depends on the mother to survive the 1st nine months, needs a healthy host to be healthy itself. again... NO BRAINER. The consiseration of the mother ( the adult ) is not the concern here with a boozing mother-to-be. or the rights of the mother to drink when she wants to. Tell the mother to put the drink down. Sit down and talk to her about the reasons for her drinking, or just talk in general... what ever you talk about, it'll help as long as the drinking stops. all this chat that has been going on in this hub is "very childish" to these eyes. just trash talking each other won't help the "woman" that has the drinking problem. She can drink after the baby is born, IF she feels the want ( not need ) to drink. After the baby is born, social services can step in and do what needs to be done for BABY, and for mother, with the hopes to keep them together ( if mother wants baby instead of the booze.) please stay on topic with this. It is a good hub idea, just the banter between conflicting opinions has to stop.
are you kidding!!!!????? Misha, you name is ALL over this hub and you have yet to say anything important or even related to this hub. WHEN you become a parent ( i doubt you have any by the way you are speaking ) maybe then you can put a POV in. for now, all i see you do is flame this hub. get a life and maybe you'll save one some day.
First, it is not hub, it is a forum post. Second, the only way to finish the argument is to stop arguing. It does not guarantee the desired outcome, but if you continue arguing, argument is guaranteed to stop not.
I wonder what can you teach your poor kids if you don't understand such basic things.
Yeah social services, will get the job done. I think social services is part of the problem and don't have a clue that they are. First of all alcohol is not the major factor in this pregnant woman's life. It is the stress and emotional baggage she is carrying. She needs a friend, not a dictator. Thanks
at least social services will speak on behalf of the unborn child, unlike most of the people that have commented on this hub. CHILDREN are the future and if people are more concerned in the rights of the mother ( who is an adult and should know better ) then this hub should have been called " it is ok to allow a mother to drink while pregnant and ignore all common sense about it" no social program is perfect. that is up to us individuals to seam up the tears in the system and take control of our immediate surroundings.
i messed up on her quote, but this is the person (Eaglekiwi) i was responding to.
sorry. it is a harsh topic. re-read all the comments that followed the post. Look at where and when this hub went " left" in a hurry. I am a father of 4 and 1 on the way ( very soon ) and I find, as a father/ parent, it's quite upsetting that the fact that there are people out there that think that we should "tip toe" around the mother to be to the point of ignoring the potential harm being wrought onto the unborn child. If there is a time when a friend should step up to another friend and let them know what your thoughts are, THIS would be one of the top 5. Sure they have a problem; get my friend stressed from withdrawl or give the unborn a huge handicap even before their feet hit the ground? tough problem need tough resolutions. The withdrawl is short termed and if done early in pregnency i would think would help more than hinder the unborn and the mother. If done later, the stress would be greater on both unborn and mother. Education is a key factor for the mother of the story. She needs to make an educated decision on this problem. Ignorance and negative remarks will not help anyone. As i stated in my intial comment to this post, life is a team sport now for mother and child. so a teamate the mother must be now. in my respectful opinion
I am the person who initially asked this question and I was looking for some real perspective on this issue. I truly appreciate your opinion on this and you raise some great points about life being a team sport. I also agree that education is key and I think this is why I am having such a difficult time deciding whether to say something or not. This woman is very intelligent and I find it hard to believe that she doesn't know what she is doing is wrong. In my gut, I firmly believe that she knows what she is doing is wrong but chooses to do it anyway. So, what do you do then? Preaching, being confrontational, forcing my beliefs on her will do no good.
I do see that you care for her, but you got to let it go. Maybe she can't quit. And you don't think that that alone isn't killing her. I will tell you this she ain't dumb. But she is a person, with feelings, and needs most of all support, not a lecture. Yes maybe she will lose the child either by her actions or by the state. Also I know she loves her child. And I don't even have to know her.
I am really unsure what all that is supposed to mean. and i will appologize for my ignorance. I am pro choice. A mother... and father can decide what's best for them when burdened with the knowledge that their lives are at a crossroads unlike any they have come across before. But, once the choice is made to keep, then all rights apply to that unborn from that moment on. And the right to start life as healthy as one can be is what we all want.
I probably would not say anything because I do not want someone to hit me because they were mad I told them what to do. If a woman is old enough to get pregnant I imagine she is aware of the dangers of drinking during pregnancy.
I don't think we are being fair to the woman in question. Remember she is not here to explain herself. We don't know how much she is drinking, or what she's drinking. My doctor told me I could drink one glass of red wine, a day. I chose not to, because I am not a drinker. We don't know anything about this woman, and we have people talking about taking her kids away.
Pro 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
I posted the same thing yesterday but it seems to have been ignored. What it means is that a friend can tell a friend things like you need to stop drinking while your are pregnant because it will hurt your baby. A true friend will correct another friend when harm is likely to come to them or a loved one. If a friend cannot take it, then they are not actually a friend anyway.
I am not sure I would be hanging around someone who drinks in the first place when they are pregnant. Yes I agree with you a true friend would be able to handle the truth, but I am not sure I would want to tell someone who was drinking not too, no matter their condition. Some of them can be mean drunks, and I do not want to risk being injured.
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