I am a divorced woman who's children left the nest. This is the first time I have been exactly on my own since I left my Mom's house and I love it. I am living my life and finally its all about me. I can take a trip and don't have to worry about the kids or a husband, I can shop just for myself, I don't have to cook if I don't want, etc.
My current challenge is that I live in a community with couples. Most of the women seem insecure. The looks, the comments, the coldness that I get is unreal. Their husbands or live-in boyfriends will greet some of the time. When the women are around, they ignore me. I am totally not interested in any of them and do not date married men.
This behavior is getting on my one last nerve, as I am used to being neighborly/friendly to people who live around me. I thought to myself that maybe, they feel I am not a real woman because I am without a significant other. That's BULL! I am enjoying my freedom for now, because I never had it before, with the children and with being married.
One evening, I was sitting on my upper deck and I saw some of the couples leave together to enjoy the weekend. Later, they all came back and all hell broke loose.
One wife was arguing because her husband left her behind and she had to find another ride home. For the second couple, the husband was verbally abusing his wife. For the third couple, the husband was physically abusing his wife.
I said to myself...do these women really think any woman would want their loser husbands. While they are probably miserable in their marriages...I am content with being single. So, now maybe its not insecurity, maybe its envy!
What do you think?
A single, strong, female can be viewed as a threat. It is probably nothing personal to you, they just haven't conquered their animal instincts. Their ignorance is their problem, not your's. Enjoy your freedom. They are just jealous. Haters hate... it's what they do.
QueenBee, it's both. My wife, Pam, is a tiny redhead (five feet, 92 pounds) and currently quite disabled from many angles. Yet to this day, she can walk into the presence of other females and expect attack from total strangers.
When we first hooked up 13 years ago, before she had to struggle for every breath and take every step carefully to avoid falling, she warned me of this. She knew what she was talking about. If you'd like more details, such as examples of actual verbal and attempted physical assaults, please feel free to drop me an email so we don't clutter this thread TOO much.
(You'll note I said ATTEMPTED physical assaults. Pam is a black belt martial artist in 2 separate disciplines and a former world class athlete. Under actual attack, she can "cowgirl up" despite her incredible ailments and still take care of business. Versus men as well as women. But she pays the price after, often for months--and emotionally, for years or even decades.)
Before wrapping this up, I will categorize some of the apparent "causes" behind some of the aggression that has been directed toward her JUST SINCE WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER:
1. Envy definitely. People see her still-trim figure and totally fail to see her extreme 24/7 pain, osteoporosis, etc.
2. Jealousy sometimes. She's never been interested in married men, either, any more than you, but that doesn't seem to make any difference.
3. Fearing and hating goodness. I mean this literally. There have been times (that I've witnessed) where people turned on her because she HELPED them or sincerely tried to befriend them.
Nobody hates a person who has a Golden Heart as much as a person who does not.
4. Refusal to put out (guys). In 2001, there was a time I was away on the road, driving truck to make us a living. Pam was at a mutual friend's home when a guy "trapped" her in the hallway of the mobile home. (This guy was a strongly built 6-footer who knew us and our friend. Pam had asked my my opinion, and I'd warned her he was bad news--which I grasped instantly about him.)
To make a long story short, she instantly solar-plex-punched him with a palm strike that knocked the wind out of him and slammed him against the other hall wall. He didn't try again after that, fortunately.
And all of the above (and much more) occurred WITHOUT Pam being single!
5. Definitely insecurity. Best example of this I can give was probably my 3rd wife. She figured any female within reach, I was doing, and most likely a bunch she didn't know about.
Based on our experience (Pam's and mine) you're never going to be able to avoid those negative emotions flying at you from other (especially married) women. If they can't find a real "reason" to think badly of you, they'll invent one.
Slaves hate a free woman.
Thank you for your post. It was most definitely enlightening
It's fear I think, the base of all "bad" emotions. They are afraid to lose their partners to you. No matter you don't provoke it in any way, fear is always irrational.
Can't really give any advice on how to deal with it, without knowing you.
I deal with it by keeping to myself. I only greet when greeted to and keep going. I don't say anything to the partners because I don't want the women to think I am interested. I don't say anything to the women because of the comments. I only speak when spoken to.
Only other time I talk to them is when I am bringing goodies home from church. I share the goodies with my neighbors. My church might give the members a case of milk, a case of eggs, etc left over from a food bank. So, the church members get it so it won't go to waste. I bring it home and share with my neighbors. They don't seem to have a problem with getting the goodies. lol
My situation is different, but in some groups I think people just never warm up to me because they could tell I was not as social as they are. In my current apartment complex I really do not know any of my neighbors, and I am not sure what they do with their personal time to be honest. We have these community events that are supposed to build spirit, but I usually just get my food and go. I miss when I used to have friends in the complex, but they were usually just people I knew from work, etc. Of course if I wanted to be social I could go to those community events, but I really just have not felt the inclination to do so.
I'm not sure that it's envy OR jealousy. I think quite often it's insecurity and fear. You're divorced and free to do what you please. You obviously seem secure in yourself and that freaks out insecure women, PARTICULARLY insecure women with hubbies/boyfriends. And I would bet my last dollar that those guys know that if they even look at you, they will face hell from their spouses/girlfriends.
I faced a whole lot of this when I lived in Florida. (I was divorced then, and an empty nester just now.) I moved to Connecticut and things got better. Not perfect, but better.
Screw'em all. Enjoy your new-found freedom!
I think it is a little of both, envy and insecurity... It is how we work. I don't believe we even realize to what extent our behaviors are carried.
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