jump to last post 1-34 of 34 discussions (82 posts)

I'm ticked off. What would you do?

  1. lrohner profile image83
    lrohnerposted 7 years ago

    Long story that my friends on here know a little of. Anyway, I was asked by my son-in-law to accompany my daughter and newborn baby (one of 13-day old twins) to Philly on Saturday to help them and their critically ill newborn in the hospital here. The stay will be 30 to 45 days. Of course I did it. We left on Saturday. My son will take care of my house and dogs (3 of them) while I'm gone, but was out of town and couldn't get there until this afternoon (Monday).

    All I asked of my son-in-law was to go to my house (6 blocks from his house) once on Saturday, 2x on Sunday and 1x on Monday to feed/walk the dogs. Bastard never showed up while I'm down here taking care of his wife and kids. Can you tell I'm ticked off?

    He stopped taking my calls or my ex-hubby's calls. But he is taking my daughter's calls so I know he went to have dinner at Chili's with friends on Saturday night (while my dogs went hungry and were probably terrified at being left alone...), and on Sunday, he hung out with his brothers watching movies, and God knows what he did today because he didn't work. I finally called a friend this morning to go to my house and check because I hadn't heard from my son-in-law, and turns out he never showed up at my house. Thankfully I had left enough water, but the dogs were hungry and my house was filled (as she put it) with dog poopie.

    I know this is all about my sick grandbaby and nothing else, and my daughter can't do this here by herself, but I want to drive the 5 hours home and punch that a**hole in the face. What would you do?

    1. frogdropping profile image85
      frogdroppingposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      That's where I'd have been worried Irohner. He couldn't handle it huh? Well tough shit. He's a father, end of. The fact is - he didn't want to.



      He didn't give a thought to his wife and children. He was always going to give less to your dogs.



      Honestly? I'd knock the living daylights out of him. Man or not. Take a break from your daughter. Take that drive and leather that waste of skin from here to whenever you feel better smile

      But ... seriously, be careful about what you do. I'm with Darkside and Misha. You need to think about what you do from here on in. If you're not careful you could end up shoring up what your grandchildren and daughter lack for ever more.

      A very tricky situation.

      However- you really do need to factor in your daughters' responsibility too. I know about pp blues, how she must feel, physically, emotionally and mentally so you'll have to walk a careful line.

      But she is a mother now, and as much as it's difficult (for all of us) our children depend on us to do the right thing. And as you're adding more background history to the guy and his character - it's even more apparent that she needs some kind of awakening. And pretty damn quick.

      If he could do that to her (the injuries he inflicted on her), and all hiding under the alcohol umberelaa, what else is he capable of.

      Alcohol is no excuse. Some just like to pretend it is. Their behaviour is already baseline. They just wait until alcohol is in the mix. Your daughter needs some serious empowerment, before this gets any worse.

      Gods Irohner, I really do feel for you.

      What an awful bloody mess.

      1. lrohner profile image83
        lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Well, geez Frog, where the hellya been? Sitting here all night waiting for the great green wisdom! smile

        Okay, we all agree the guy is an a**hole, self-centered and immature. And we all agree that this could get ugly at some point. I agree that my daughter needs some empowerment (eerie in and of itself, because before she met him, she was SOOO type A like me, she stood up for herself and nobody pushed her around -- and she is extremely intelligent). So how does she get it without waiting around for 15 years and having a few more kids before she figures it out? Or is that just  the way it works?

    2. 61
      jenns writingposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      I can tell your mad. Anyone would be and to make it worse he is you "son-in-law". Everyone hates there in-laws. Do you think maybe he might be upset and in a state of depression due to the baby. Everyone handles stress in different ways. Some do it in more healthier ways than others. I would try to talk to someone hes talking to. Tell them that your worried about him and want to know if hes okay. He'll think that your concerned about him and then he might talk with you. After that you can either lay into him about the dogs or talk with him on hows hes feeling. Its up to you.

  2. Jane@CM profile image60
    Jane@CMposted 7 years ago

    I'd be kicking some ass when I got home.

    Jerk!

    I'm surprised he wasn't at the hospital during the weekend with wife and daughters.

    1. 0
      sandra rinckposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      The guy sounds like a dead beat. yikes

    2. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Nah, he told me he couldn't handle it. He's planning on coming here weekend after next and then for the surgery later on. He's a union carpenter and they all took up a collection so that he could take time off to be with his family and not worry about the bills. He probably spent the damn money at Chili's. Or on some hooker. Or both.

      I want to punch him dead smack in the face.

      1. 0
        dennisemattposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Ill punch him for you. You shouldn't have to be worrying about anything else right now. Stay there take care of your babies, have your friend take care of your dogs. Wow, so ..."it was to much " for him to be at the hospital? I am so sorry. I have known guys like that. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

    3. candice5 profile image61
      candice5posted 7 years ago in reply to this

      That was my thoughts, wierd.
      People can choose their friends but not their family ya know. I remember when I was a kid I was in a Youth Group, and we mowed old peoples lawns, they were meant to be needy, and have no nearby rellies. So I was astounded when one of the old ladies said, Thanks, and I wish one of my 9 kids, could help more.
      I said Oh they don't live here She says Oh Yes, Just round the Corner, but they all have large families as well.
      I just couldn't believe the mentality why do those types breed so prolifically?

  3. 0
    sandra rinckposted 7 years ago

    I would punch him in the face too.

  4. lrohner profile image83
    lrohnerposted 7 years ago

    Dead beat? That, coupled with a little bit of white trash and you've got him pegged.

    1. 0
      sandra rinckposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      I feel for you whole family, seriously.  Men... I mean boys like that need to get a good kick in the arse.

      1. lrohner profile image83
        lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        No kidding. So how do I deal with this crap, not become the doormat of the family and still  make sure my daughter is taken care of?

        1. 0
          sandra rinckposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          Don't allow him to see your daughter or the kids. 

          I know it don't sound right but from experience, this is something that I had to do in order to kick him in the arse without physically touching him. 

          Albeit, it was a tough call at first but eventually it worked. Definitely not an easy thing to do.

          1. lrohner profile image83
            lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

            Can't do it. They're married and live together and, go figure, my daughter loves him. But good idea nonetheless!

  5. Eaglekiwi profile image73
    Eaglekiwiposted 7 years ago

    Sending Kiwi Warrior Zena over my friend!!a little discipline is in order!!

    You stay calm and relax for those babies smile and for your own well-being, that being said ...what an total assshole


    http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/3900000/xena-xena-warrior-princess-3962510-599-537.jpg

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Luv ya, Kiwi! Send over the Kiwi Warrior Zena!

    2. candice5 profile image61
      candice5posted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Lucy looks about to loose it smile

  6. Aqua profile image78
    Aquaposted 7 years ago

    Wow - after reading this I want to go kick him myself!

  7. Jane@CM profile image60
    Jane@CMposted 7 years ago

    If his union buddies took up a collection, your daughter should have it to help out in Philly.

    I'd gather all the men-folk in the family & have them pay your dear son-in-law a visit. 

    Off topic: warrior man very hot smile

    1. 0
      sandra rinckposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Oh that sounds like a good idea.

  8. Chris1|Chris2 profile image61
    Chris1|Chris2posted 7 years ago

    Damn, that guy sounds like a douche! That sucks, man. I'm actually about to start house-sitting for family friends tomorrow. With all their pets, I can't imagine how anyone could leave them alone!
    It' so surprising how selfish some people can be...pets may be very different from us, but in many ways they are like humans, they still deserve food and company!!

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Good assessment of him. It doesn't make a difference to me whether I asked him to watch the dogs for two days or take in the mail for two days. I'm taking care of his wife and two babies on VERY short notice and uprooting my life to boot and he couldn't have cared less.

  9. darkside profile image79
    darksideposted 7 years ago

    I think talking to him would be like trying to get through to a brick wall.

    You need to talk to your daughter about it. And she might feel that now isn't the best time, but if you're bending over backwards to help and all you expect is a little bit of help in return to allow you to do that, then she needs to listen to you and make some tough decisions.

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      As usual, Darkside, very good assessment. But she's young, in love and still struggling with what's going on with one of her babies, plus caring for a healthy newborn plus recuperating from giving birth. But I get what you mean. I actually considered just getting up tomorrow, packing and going home and letting the two of them find maturity on their own. But the risk is that they DON'T find maturity and my grandbabies don't get good care. I still vote for punching the a**hole dead smack in the face. smile

      1. darkside profile image79
        darksideposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Punching him in the face gets my vote!

        You are in a predicament though. Unfortunately I'm seeing a similar situation played out here with my mother inlaw.

        No! I'm not the imbecilic son inlaw!

        My wife's mother has a similar situation with her other daughter. Who's likely a few years older than your daughter. Situation is now that the father of the child is not quite on the scene, but on the fringes, and the daughter can't do anything on her own now, her mother doesn't trust her to do the right thing. O won't go into details, but I think your situation is in the embryonic stage of what's happening here. And I'm not saying that yours will end up like this. What choices you make could determine all sorts of different outcomes. And while I love my mother inlaw I don't think she'd ever have looked at the situation as you do. So I know you'll sort it out. It's just a shame that things need sorting out and the mess we've got to get through to get there.



        PS: Upload the video of you punching the a**hole dead smack in the face to youtube, I reckon it'll get hundreds of thousands of... hits!

        1. lrohner profile image83
          lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          LOLOL! You bet!

  10. Tamarii2 profile image61
    Tamarii2posted 7 years ago

    Forgive him.Sometimes we have to kick ourself.You chose him to take care of your dogs.Re evaluate choices.Before we do anything
    we have to think... is this a good choice.Start kicking yourself first.He was your choice.Enjoying the journey. Peace.

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Good God, Tamaril. I know this is the obvious solution. But I didn't really choose him to take care of the dogs. There simply was no one else. I had very little time to prepare to leave, couldn't reach anyone except my son who couldn't get home right away. If I didn't leave when I did, my daughter would have lost her place at the Philly Ronald MacDonald house (free housing for parents with critically ill kids), and a hotel expense for the period of time she'll be here would be astronomical. Or maybe I was in denial of the guy being an a**hole? Regardless, the obvious solution is the hardest.

  11. kmackey32 profile image83
    kmackey32posted 7 years ago

    well I want to say kick his as but in reality you cant because your daughter wouldn't forgive you, it would make things worse. She will have to realize for herself what an asshole he is....
    I was in a bad relationship and the more my mom got involved and even said things the longer I stayed. Weird, I know.

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      No, not weird at all, K. I think all women are kind of built that way. We start out loving our Moms, then we hate them and ignore them and think they're stupid, and then eventually we love and respect them again. It's in our genes!

      1. kmackey32 profile image83
        kmackey32posted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Yea and we want to control our own lives also...

  12. Shirley Anderson profile image84
    Shirley Andersonposted 7 years ago

    I feel for ya, Irohner. It's no wonder you're so pissed off.

    I've been through something similar.  It usually takes awhile but one of two things will likely happen: either he'll smarten up (odds are pretty much nil) or your daughter will get fed up and kick him to the curb (more likely).

    If his union buddies took up a collection so he could be with his wife and babies, don't they wonder what he's doing home alone?

    I think Darkside is right about talking being futile.  Sad but true.  Your son-in-law is very immature and self-centered.

    Regarding that beautiful little granddaughter of yours, I hope all goes well and she improves daily.  I've heard that twins need to be together, so maybe having her sister there (assuming she's allowed in the room) will help.  I hope so.

    Best of luck in both situations, Irohner.

  13. AsherKade profile image77
    AsherKadeposted 7 years ago

    okay, so the guy who was to take care of your dogs was the daddy of the twins, who were born to your daughter,right....and I'm a little confused, is he away for a good reason? Why is he not there with her?
    confused in tx,
    asher

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      More confused in Philly,

      Lisa

  14. kmackey32 profile image83
    kmackey32posted 7 years ago

    Right Asher. My hubby can be a jerk but he would NEVER do that if something was wrong with me or my kids. Theres no way he wouldnt be there even if I beat him up and called him every name in the book just before. lol

    1. AsherKade profile image77
      AsherKadeposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      so the son in law has no reason to not be there....he needs a kicks in the face and ass...but since you're daughter married him, and she is happy with him, and it's better for the most part that he has a part in those babies lives,maybe you should do the politically correct thing and not get involved in it, perhaps talk to your daughter about your concerns when things blow over and she has recouped from birth a bit, and by all means DON'T let the jerk take care of your dogs again!!

      1. kmackey32 profile image83
        kmackey32posted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Oh yea most definitly don't get involved for your own good with your daughter. I used to hate my in laws for getting involved and it kept my husband from talking to his mother as much too.

  15. yoshi97 profile image86
    yoshi97posted 7 years ago

    I would remind myself that I was doing something for my grandchildren and that knowing my puppies were not being cared for would not have staved me from such an important duty.

    Then ... being the pacifist that I am ... I woulda went to his house and kicked him in the shin ... once for each day my puppies suffered and once more in the caboose for all of the anguish that I suffered.

  16. 0
    wordscribe41posted 7 years ago

    Irohner, I don't think I can add anything of value to what's alredy been said, other than to say that sucks, it's the last thing you need to be worried about your pooches, and he sounds very selfish.  I cannot imagine NOT being there with my baby now.  I'd find another job if I had to.  I wouldn't be able to stay away.  I know that's easy for me to say, I know money is a serious issue for everyone now, and even more critical for them in their situation with medical bills.  But, I'd sure as Hell be bending backwards helping out my mother-in-law with ANYTHING while she so selfishly helps out.  I am appalled, frankly.  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else.  I'm sure I'd feel like kicking his a*s, too! 

    How are you?  The baby?  Your daughter?

    1. AsherKade profile image77
      AsherKadeposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      gosh I am so lucky to have the angel mom in law I have. She has truly bent over backwards for my spouse, kids, and me. Having an autistic son didn't help matters any. She takes him every other weekend so we don't kill him tongue
      lol
      anyway, he obviously doesn't know a good mom-in-law or a good thing when he sees it and will miss it when he loses it...if ever...

      1. lrohner profile image83
        lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Wow, I didn't realize you had an autistic son! No wonder you chose the Avatar that you did! Just kidding. I give you a lot of creditd because I know from friends that it is an everyday challenge. Although I have to say that I've met several autistic children who are really very, very gifted.

  17. lrohner profile image83
    lrohnerposted 7 years ago

    So, it seems that everyone is in agreement that:

    1) He's a jerk

    2) Kick or punch him somewhere...and several times....and hard.

    3) Don't keep any high hopes that he'll straighten up, but be thankful if he does.

    4) Other than that, just wait for my daughter to wise up.

    I will definitely respect your collective wisdom and will follow your advice. Thanks all SO much for talking me off the ledge! smile

  18. lrohner profile image83
    lrohnerposted 7 years ago

    Shirley and Wordscribe -

    Mommy is struggling. She's suffering a bit of postpartum, while wondering why her hubby dumped her with her mother, and trying to recover from a c-section and double mastitis.

    Cara, the baby, is struggling as well. Pending one more test, it is expected that she will have surgery to remove most of her pancreas (99% removal expected)sometime next week. That leaves her with a lifetime of medical problems. It's too early to tell if she's suffered any brain damage, but the folks here are doing everything they can to make sure that she's not developmentally delayed from the long NICU stay.

    Thanks for asking. I'll keep you updated.

    1. AsherKade profile image77
      AsherKadeposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      let me refresh myself, as I am not on Hub Pages a lot now, those gorgeous twins that were on the Hub Forums are the cuties we are talking about? I really thought they were doing so well...didn't appear to have a thing wrong with them...

      1. lrohner profile image83
        lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Yup. Those are the cuties. They are fraternal twins, so only one got handed the bad genes. They were fine at first. Cara went into severe medical distress very quickly at 23 hours old. So one's in NICU facing surgery. The other is in the Ronald MacDonald House in Philly with us missing her twin.

    2. darkside profile image79
      darksideposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Before getting to the rest of it, that there is a sticky situation to be in.

      My heart goes out to you.

      Keep yourself sane, even if it involves fantasising about how many bones son inlaw can have broken before passing out from the pain.

      1. lrohner profile image83
        lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Okay, NOW you have put a big, huge old smile on this old lady's face! Bless your heart, Darkside!

  19. 0
    wordscribe41posted 7 years ago

    I can't imagine what your daughter must be going through, I simply cannot.  C-section recovery is hard enough, no doubt.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are such a fantastic grandmother to avail yourself as you have.  Thank goodness for you. 

    I'm so glad Cara's in the right hands now.  That, at least must be a relief, huh?  I do pray she escapes any brain damage.  It must be very difficult not knowing how she fared with the NICU stay.  No doubt, there are a lot of unanswered questions for you all. 

    Let us know how the surgery goes.  Of course I have a million medical questions, thinking I'll Google it.  But, I have thought of you all everyday, Irohner.  So glad to see you posting here.  Hugs.

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Thanks WordScribe. Yup, too much insulin results in hypoglycemia which, in this particular type, starves the brain of all fuel. 20% or  more of kids with this disease are at best case learning disabled or worst case brain damaged, plus a host of other problems. Here's a good resource:  http://www.congenitalhi.org/congenitalH.php. Cara suffers from KATP-type Congenital HI. Plus, she's going to battle the results of a NICU stay from 23 hours old until 30 to 45 days old.

      1. 0
        wordscribe41posted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Actually I know a lot about Juvenile Diabetes as I worked in a pediatric endocrinology clinic for a long time as a therapist.  But, as you said, this is RARE.  We didn't have any kids with this polar opposite disease while I was there.  Naturally, I counseled families on dealing with glucose pumps, insulin shots, eating, and the ways in which having a chronic condition affect the lives of the kids and their families.  So, endocrine disorders are quite interesting to me and have a special place in my heart.  We also counseled quite a lot of hermaphrodites.  No doubt, it's interesting to me.  But, certainly not very fascinating if it's one of your own. 

        Thanks for the information.  I will check out your link.

        1. lrohner profile image83
          lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          Then you'll understand how ironic this is. My other daughter is a Type I diabetic and has battled severe hypoglycemia most of her life. As a matter of fact, they are now sending her in for testing and rethinking her original diagnosis. Stay tuned.

          1. 0
            wordscribe41posted 7 years ago in reply to this

            Whoa, that is interesting.  Suspicious genes, wow.  Maybe she'll learn something of benefit, huh?  I will stay tuned.

      2. Shirley Anderson profile image84
        Shirley Andersonposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Geez, I didn't know what was wrong as I haven't been around here much lately and didn't want to ask.  Poor mommy and grandma!  Your hearts must be hurting.

        Lots of good thoughts and prayers headed Cara's way.

  20. AsherKade profile image77
    AsherKadeposted 7 years ago

    OMG.
    I was terribly lucky. We both have a lot of diabetic/insulin issues. Both boys were born with very low blood sugar, but did well despite it all....my heart aches for ya'll!

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Wow, chances are they suffered from Transient Hyperinsulinism (which is much more common but also misdiagnosed quite often). Glad they did well, and thanks for the thoughts.

  21. AsherKade profile image77
    AsherKadeposted 7 years ago

    http://www.graphicsarcade.com/glitter_graphics/christian/christian_graphics_a3.gif

    i thought of you irohner when I saw this...

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Grrr... Don't wanna forgive...yet! Wanna punch him first! But I do appreciate the thought! smile

  22. Valerie F profile image59
    Valerie Fposted 7 years ago

    Okay, so the guy can't handle taking care of his wife and his newborn children, and he can't handle housesitting and feeding the dogs? But he can handle being lazy and eating out with friends while his mother-in-law is taking care of his wife and babies and her dogs are going hungry and pooping in the house? The man doesn't need a kick in the pants. He needs a freakin' conscience.

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      I could not have said it any better if I tried!

  23. Misha profile image76
    Mishaposted 7 years ago

    Lisa I feel for you. Unfortunately I don't really see what you can realistically do without worsening the overall situation. Whatever you do, don't try to part your daughter with him, it won't work and will backfire. This is her lesson, she has to learn it.

    Just never trust him again. smile

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Misha, I know you are right. Quite frankly, my daughter doesn't even know any of this. I haven't conveyed to her that Colby didn't follow through, and I haven't conveyed my anger. And I probably never will.

      But how do I balance love for my grandbabies with respect for myself and not allowing some bastard to continue to treat me like a doormat (because I'm sure he will continue to take advantage of me...)?

    2. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Misha, I know you are right. Quite frankly, my daughter doesn't even know any of this. I haven't conveyed to her that Colby didn't follow through, and I haven't conveyed my anger. And I probably never will.

      But how do I balance love for my grandbabies with respect for myself and not allowing some bastard to continue to treat me like a doormat (because I'm sure he will continue to take advantage of me...)?

  24. Misha profile image76
    Mishaposted 7 years ago

    For one, your daughter needs to learn these facts. Probably not right now, but not a year later either. Or may be even right now, this will be easier to tell. Without requests to dump him or change him or punish him in any other way, just pure facts. smile

    Then, to ensure he does not take advantage of you later, someone (not you, you obviously is not the right person for the job, sorry) needs to scare him. Ideally your husband and several male family members. Like you can see in mafia movies, you know. Ideally inflicting some serious pain without bodily damage, and promising more of it if he ever allows himself to break any agreement with you.

    All this is built on a number of assumptions about his personality, that are based only on what I heard from you. Means I may be way off. Use your discretion, you know him way better then me. smile

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      LOL! You mean my EX-hubby who is still somewhat protective of me and very protective of his children. Difficult, because he's 1,500 miles away, but I do grasp your concept.

      And I also pick up what you're laying down about seeing things only from my perspective. It makes a lot of sense. So let me give you more 'facts'.

      Just before my daughter became preggers, they were on a vacay in Florida. They were walking back to a friend's house one night, and Colby (who had already lost his license at the tender age of 21 to a DUI) was snockered. He picked my daughter up, threw her over his shoulder, and dropped her on her face in the road. She spent almost a full day in the emergency room, and racked up thousands of dollars of bills that medical insurance wasn't paying for for orthodontists, braces, root canals, skin doctors, etc. My daughter started working 3 jobs to pay the cost. (Oh, and my beautiful daughter still has major scarring from the incident....not speculation, just facts.)

      Colby? Nuttin. I called him pretty pissed off and asked why my daughter was worrying about the bills and why he didn't take a second job to pay for them. He told me there were no jobs to be had. I told him to go to MacDonalds. They are always hiring. He told me he wouldn't get out of bed for minimum wage. So I told him to find a restaurant job that he could work around his primary job. He told me that he was "too tired at the end of the day to go to a second job". So my daughter worked a full-time job and two part-time jobs to fix the injuries that skunk-drunk Colby inflicted. Does that give you a better picture?

      1. Misha profile image76
        Mishaposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        LOL No doubt he is a jerk, but this is not exactly the info i was looking for. smile

        The thing to ask yourself if you would like to use the method I outlined is: will he shut up and obey, or will he try to report this to authorities and make you and your helpers guilty in a serious crime? Your nanny state will gladly prosecute you if he does, and this is not exactly the outcome we are looking for here...

        On a side note, I am really surprised she is tolerating him after that case you mentioned. Was her father abusive by chance?

        1. lrohner profile image83
          lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          No, he would call the authorities and we would all be in jail. But it was worth dreaming about, no?

          And yes, I'm surprised too. See my reply to Frog. Her Dad was far from abusive. He's a jerk, was big into sex, drugs and rock and roll and it's taken me 10 years to acknowledge his existence for the good of the kids. Be that as it may, his worst fault with the kids has always been that he wants to be their friend rather than parent. But abuse? Neglect? Far from it. I will definitely give him that much.

          She pretty much has led a privileged life. Her worst trauma was our divorce 10 years ago. She's smart. By the age of 17 she had 1-1/2 years of college under her belt. She's goal oriented, ambitious, meticulous with day-to-day stuff like finances, and has a spectacular personality. I don't get it. I'm not a psychologist, but would love to get their take on how someone like that could fall for someone like him.

  25. Lisa HW profile image83
    Lisa HWposted 7 years ago

    I agree she should know the facts.  I think you should calmly mention (at some time that seems right) something like, "Oh, it turned out he wasn't able to get to my house to take care of the dogs over the weekend."  If she asks what happened, you could tell her about the hungry dogs and the muck in the house, and calmly say something like, "Well, I was kind of shocked that he didn't let me know he couldn't get there."  (Let her ask him why he "couldn't get there".  It doesn't matter what answer he gives.  She'll figure it out.)

    I think what I'd do, though, (rather than using the hurting-him thing) would be to tell him (when he's alone), "I want to make it clear to you that I'm not too thrilled with the way you've handled this whole thing; and anything I do for my daughter or the babies I'm doing for them - not you."  If he tells your daughter what you said, let him.  She needs to know (and probably already does anyway) that his behavior is an issue for you, her mother.  You can agree to be civil on holidays and birthdays, and other than that don't bother with him at all.  At some point, I think I'd tell my daughter, "He's your husband, and that's your business.  You're my daughter, though, and you are my business and concern.  I'll be polite to him because you're married to him, but that's it."  I could be wrong, but I think if someone is being mistreated by a spouse it's important to have someone who loves them make it clear they don't deserve that treatment.  I could be wrong, but I don't think she'll get angry with you if you respect that it's her choice to stay married to him, don't try to undo what she wants for herself, but don't pretend you're all fine with his treatment of her either.  (Just yet some more thoughts on the issue.   smile  )  (Of course, timing whatever you do say matters with what's going on with the baby.)

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      OMG Lisa! That's really what I've thought all along! But everyone else in our family is so concerned about being "friends" with them that they overlook a whole lot. Me, I'm not concerned with being their 'friend'. I'm concerned with being my kids' mother and my grandbabies' grandmother. Full stop. Friends to me is a bonus.

      I've already gone through that speech and practice about "I don't like the way he treats you, but it's your choice how you want to live. I don't agree with it, but I will respect your decision until I see it becoming harmful to you." And I HAVE gone out of my way to be more than civil. Why, you say, have I had to do this? Read my response to Misha, and then think that this is a guy who, within 3 months of dating my daughter, made her cry in my presence without blinking an eye on multiple occasions, and never thought that saying "f**k" multiple times in my presence might offend me and my daughter.

      Thank you. You really do get it. I feel quite a bit better now, and may be calling on you for more of your sage wisdom.

  26. 0
    \Brenda Scullyposted 7 years ago

    you know whaat... i have not read everyone's comment..... but from what i have read of your comments i truly feel for you..

    I am so happy you have hubpages, it can be a wonderful place and almost a life line.... you will find a way to deal with this when the crisis is over.... my advice for you at the moment would be...


         FIND  SOME  TIME FOR  YOURSELF...

      EVEN IF IT IS ONLY A LONG SOAK IN THE BATH

          GIVE YOURSELF A HUGE HUG FROM ME

           YOU KNOW WHAT IN ABOUT 4 WEEKS
       
    YOU WILL HAVE FORGOTTON ABOUT ALL THIS
       
        BECAUSE YOU ARE STRONG.....

                       LOVE YOU....

               BRENDA   XXXXXXXXXX

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Ah, Brenda. Happy you are back! Four weeks from now, hopefully I'll be celebrating a successful surgery on my grandbaby. Six weeks from now, hopefully I'll be celebrating a successful punch right between the eyes for my son-in-law. But I do appreciate the thought and your upbeat attitude. Can you can it and sell it on eBay? I'll buy some, for sure! smile

  27. 0
    \Brenda Scullyposted 7 years ago

    in the last few years, i have been through so much and at the end of the day.... self preservation is where i am at now... Daughters will make there own mistakes, and then mum's pick up the pieces.....  i am thinking of you.... and will watch this space for improvement in your life..... are you smiling...



                  xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  28. frogdropping profile image85
    frogdroppingposted 7 years ago

    Irohner - first time zones lol ... its just nicely morning here, that's why you've waited, even frogs need sleep wink

    And second, I emailed you. We all have crap in our closet and I'm no different. My crap is quite relelvant to your daughters'.

    And I could answer your question very nicely. Let me know if you want one smile

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Ruh, roh. I think I've offended the Frog. It was purely unintentional, as it's 3:15am here, and I didn't get to sleep until 3:30am yesterday and I've been going non-stop. I haven't checked email today, but will and believe me, I really am looking forward to your response.

      Again, apologies to all that is green.

      1. frogdropping profile image85
        frogdroppingposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        No Irohner nooooo lol! Not in the least! I'm as tough as granite and not even slightly offended, I was merely explaining my abscence!

        No apologies required, at all! smile

  29. cindyvine profile image87
    cindyvineposted 7 years ago

    I think you need to refuse to help him in the future and don't waste money buying him a Christmas or birthday present ever again.

  30. 0
    sandra rinckposted 7 years ago

    Just pretend the guy does not exist.  Take care of your daughter and grand babies first and don't waist anymore of our precious time or energy on the booger.

    You'll have to take on more responsibility, call other people in to check up on your dogs and such, a neighbor possibly. 

    Does your daughter and jerk off live together?  Change the lock! hahahhahahaha... leave that ahole out on the streets.  I am sure he has a couple of scumbags friends he can shack up with until they get sick of him.  lol 

    Play hard knox with him.

  31. Jane@CM profile image60
    Jane@CMposted 7 years ago

    I think it is so good you could write about all this in the forums and get it out...its good to do that smile You have good friends here that are so supportive of you!

    I can understand why you wouldn't tell your daughter anything at this time, could make her PPD worse & she has enough to deal with right now.  There will be a time and place though to tell her.

    I hope you have someone to take care of the doggies now.

    As Sandra stated, the time now is to do what you set out to do, take care of your daughter and the babies.  Let the jerk-face go for now. 

    Breath smile

  32. 0
    Crazdwriterposted 7 years ago

    WOW what a jerk! I would be ripping him a new one that's for sure. i got mad after reading it too. Well as they do say Karama is a bitch. I just hope it doesn't happen to his family only him like he trips when he's walking lol

  33. lrohner profile image83
    lrohnerposted 7 years ago

    My daughter's hubby, Sh*thead, remains a sh*thead. The good news is that Cara will get better.

    Okee dokee, so sh*thead took 9 days to get down to the hospital in Philly to be with his wife and kids. Why, you ask? Because he had a PARTY to go to on Friday and a COOKOUT to go to on Saturday that he had been "looking forward to going to for a long time".

    I'm not a violent person, but I would luv to punch him dead smack in the face.

    On a better note, Cara had her PET scan today and the news was good. If you can have a "good" diagnosis with this disease, hers is as good as it gets. WOO HOO! She'll have surgery next week, and will be home a month later. Prognosis is NO ongoing problems. WOOT!

  34. Uninvited Writer profile image83
    Uninvited Writerposted 7 years ago

    That is great to hear. I'm sure you needed some good news like that right now.

    1. lrohner profile image83
      lrohnerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Oh yeah, UW. I sure did. Was jumping around like a child this afternoon when I heard the news. Everything else going on is so totally irrelevant right now.

 
working