Long story. But I've been banned from seeing my new grandchildren. Yup. Banned. My son-in-law has become Frankenstein, and is looking at these babies as some type of power-wielding tool. His mom has already called me complaining, as has my ex-hubby about the same kind of "I don't need your stinkin' advice" stuff.
Evidently I said something to him that offended him. And I know what it is. I proffered the advice that when his newborn had major surgery, he just might want to be at the hospital with her that night. Yup. That was it.
And so now I am banned from seeing my grandchildren until I apologize. And I'm not quite sure why. But I do know that if I buy into this madness, it sets a precedent. If I don't, I really don't want to think about it.
What would you do?
Aww Ironher i am so feeling for you, man no wonder they say relationships are complicated. I guess your son in law is too overwhelmed by the new responsibility of being a parent and is not thinking straight. Give him time to cool and let no one come in the way of you meeting your grandchildren. Congratulaltions for having grandchildren celebrate the joy and he will know you were right in heart and intention. Good always gets paid back. Cheers.
Thanks, Charanjeet, but the guy's just an arse. Too long a story to go into here. But seriously, the guy's just an arse. Overwhelmed by the responsibility? He hasn't worked since July, my daughter is footing the bill (because she knows how to save), and I wound up taking his place when one of his daughters was critically ill because he had a "cookout that he was looking forward to".
Be that as it may, he could be ticked off at me all he wants. But to keep relatives apart? Can't figure.
that's just wrong. he should be there for his baby and to support his wife. i would definitely get to the bottom of this and clear it up.
If they are your daughter's children then screw him, you don't have to apologize for nothing, especially if he acts like the way you described above. I would just tell him in his face that he can't prevent you from seeing your grandchildren and if he doesn't like it then he can leave when you are present.
Grandkids need their grandma's too. Speak with your daughter and let her know that you love her and respect her decisions but that you can't allow for some idiot to step all over you like a doormat.
The problem with this is, the jerk CAN prevent her, legally. Laws vary from state to state, as far as grandparents' rights, but bottom line, the parents basically call all the shots in these situations.
We've been in a similar position, with our son's girlfriend, after she had their daughter--our granddaughter. My son broke it off with her, but of course, she had custody, and she decided who could see their child.
I had row after row with her, but I finally had to swallow my pride, and make an effort to get along, because I wanted to see our granddaughter(our son was living out of state at the time).
To this day, I cannot stand this girl, but seeing my granddaughter is more important to me than my pride...so that's what I sacrificed.
I know how hard it is, but believe me, not seeing your grand-baby/babies is even harder...
i would apologize and mend fences, even if i knew i was right and he was horribly wrong, for the sake of the children. they need their grandma.
someday if and when i become a grandma i want to be a huge part of their lives. good luck.
I think your son in law is a stupid guy. You don't have to apologise. He does. You should set things straight through a lawyer.You should be able to see your grandchildren.
Tantrum, glad you're back. And with good advice as usual. I'm not quite sure I want to get the courts involved, but at the same time, it's not about the apology (whether one is deserved or not). It's about the precedent. If I apologize, does that mean that for the rest of my life, I live under his thumb? If I say or do the wrong thing, do I get banned again?
That's what I mean. With this type of guys ,you have to show who you are. I don't think he would like to go to court. If he's a little bit sensible, he'll forget all that nonsense
I would try to sit down and talk with them first, and see if there isn't some underlying problem that could be ironed out.
Lots of underlying probles that can't be ironed out ,I'm afraid,by what Ironher said abour her in law.
As usual, you hit the nail on the head, Tantrum. His Dad believes that women should stay barefoot and pregnant, and that kids mimic that. Women are subservient. That's it. It's okay to treat me like sh*t. That's how I'm supposed to be treated.
Youneed to sreaighten this up with the help of a lawyer or some powerful man. Maybe your ex, or a relative or good friend ?
Did you not know this about him before he married your daughter?
Yes. I did. Like I said, long, long story. But when a suitor comes into my house and makes my daughter cry in front of me and uses the f*** word like it's nothing, that's a clue. And when I confront him about it, he proceeds to tell everyone in his family and my daughter and everyone he knows in town that I'm, well, I won't use the word he used.
Question of the year. My family, my ex's family and all of my other daughter and son's friends and family ask the same question. I actually get stopped on the street when I'm walking the dogs asking me that question. Yeah, medium-sized know-it-all town. But still don't have an answer.
I'm speaking from the other side of the equation. When a man and woman plan to marry, you have to respect the relationship. Just apologize if you hurt his feelings and move on with your life. Seriously, if you hurt him in some way and that was not your intent, then what do you loose? That doesn't mean you will have to apologize for the rest of your life, rather that you are big enough to admit when you make a mistake, no matter how small it is. If you do this small thing, it remove your responsibility of guilt in the matter because you have done you part for the resolution.
So sorry for your dilemma. I would be devastated if I couldn't see my grandchildren. Hope things get better soon. I wrote a blog about grandchildren and grandparents here:
http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Bridge-t … andparents
hope it helps some
That truly sucks. He might be acting crazy because of the problems his baby has. As to what to do, well if he's freaking out because of stress, you might want to give him some time. Sooner or later he's gong to need your help and the best thing you can do is be there when he needs it. Hopefully by then he'll see the error of his ways and back off.
That way you don't feed into his madness and you don't compromise your relationship with him and your grandchildren.
I wish he was acting crazy because of the problems Cara had. I would actually feel good about that. But trust me -- when others gathered to help, he took the time to spend my daughter's money, party and, well basically, have a good time.
I probably should have read the following responses. He sounds like a dick. I'm not sure there is a solution to your problem. One can hope your daughter will see the light and leave him. I'm sure if he treats you this poorly I wonder how he treats her.
It sounds like he's dong this to all of his parents, so it sounds like he's messing with all of you.
Hey Irohner! Man, what a dilemma. So what I want to know is what your daughter is doing putting up with all this? Does she have any say in the matter of who gets to see her children? I don't believe that acquiescence is a good thing, because it sounds to me like this is more of a personality thing with this guy rather than a situational reaction. But honestly, you may have to grin and bear it for awhile until you get to the bottom of it. Don't get confrontational because it will just end real bad. Your grandchildren need you and so does your daughter, so make sure you can be there for them. I guess there are no real clear answers here, so sorry about that. I just know that the type of guy you are describing would probably do whatever he could to keep you away from your daughter and grandchild, and that is just horrible. Hopefully at some point, your daughter will be able to put him in place...
He needs to realize you marry a family. I was a bit of an independent and my wife has a real family. They do all kinds of family activities. At first I was like what is this all about? I learned they were just as human as I am and I got in line with the rest, and had fun doing it! We need each other, nobody has too many friends and family is a whole bunch of instant friends! He needs to grow up a bit but, don't say that it sounds like it would make him angrier.
You're the Mother of the Mother of those babies. That means your son-in-law can't ban you. Don't you have a right to help your daughter out with the kids? As the Mother of a six year old boy, I can tell you I LOVE IT when the grandparents ask to have my little guy over for a sleepover or a fun afternoon. Wouldn't your son-in-law like to have some free time too?
Good luck. Sounds like you have a challenging situation to deal with. Keep us posted.
Well i am not yet in your position but i have once heard that it's wise that the mother in law should always apologize even she doesn't know what she did like this she's okay it's than upto the son or daughter in law to c that he/she 's making a big mistake.
If you play it right you got nothing to lose..and your grandchildren will see that you are a good person and they will respect and like you
Murder isn't an option is it?
First of all, how dare you tell that young man that he should be there at the hospital for a major operation on his newborn child!
And hopefully you know I'm being sarcastic with that last remark.
Maybe now is the time to put your cards on the table and tell your daughter to do the same. Negotiating with him won't get you anywhere. He's in the wrong, and guess what, I think he knows it. He'll be the sort of person who will argue that he's right ESPECIALLY when he knows that he's wrong.
This is the tool that couldn't hold up his end of the bargain while you were attending to your daughters and granddaughters needs and feed a couple of dogs while you were away.
The only apology I would offer is one that is inspired by Mark Knowles. If I were in your position I'd draft one similar to the fantastic outburst I saw him post yesterday and contextualise it to your own situation. And ask Mark to proof-read it before printing it out and sending it to El Wuckfit.
I would apologize. I think families feud over little things all the time, and very quickly they become big things, and then nobody is talking to anybody, and in the end, everybody ends up getting hurt. I don't mind apologizing, if it smooths things over. Ultimately, the thing that matters most is being able to spend quality time with the people you love.
Just my opinion tho - many in my own family probably disagree
Wow...yea I would apologize but also ask why he became offended by what you had said. that is weird but I am agreeing with charanjeet that the stress is getting to him and he isn't thinking straight. Good luck!
Um, doesn't your daughter have something to say about this?
That is sad maybe they are suffering from the baby blues together I am certain there wasn't any harm done, I had gotten mad at my mom one time and we adopted our son but then she apologized we discussed it , hugged, kissed and made up. My mom is my closest female friend.
*HUGS* Hey if you want I can teach yuo how to be mean? lmao you are too sweet so I can give you pointers hehehe
IDK Lisa. I would think it is your daughter's call. As harsh as it can sound...
My daughter doesn't agree. She agrees to not agree with the opinion that I voiced. That is clear. (And very much accepted.) But the "ban" is driven by her hubby. And she will not stand up to him on anything.
Oh, and FYI, the "opinion" that I had was that they should have stayed at the hospital when their 4 week old baby went through major surgery. Shoot me.
Anything what you do would make things even worse. It is HER family, and HER responsibility. If her husband decides to not let you see the kids and she agrees to him, that's it. Again, I am sorry for you, but I don't see what you can do here...
I'm sorry Misha, we usually agree on things but someone needs to stand up to the asshole. Blood calls blood honey and no man especially a dick like your son-in-law can prevent you from seeing your grandchildren. In the end if your daughter ever leaves that jerk of a man, she'll come running to you. You need to let her know that you are not coming in between her marriage but that NO ONE can ban you from seeing your grandkids.
It's better to stand your ground and have your grandkids in your life than to make that jerk have his way, then he thinks that he can do whatever the heck he wants and that just can't be
I agree with MISha on this one, it's fruitless to keep arguing, have your daughter work it out.
I just hope it all works out for the best. I seriously think yuor daughter made a bad choice in husband no offense, but seriously he sounds like a true arse.
I agree with Misha. Many of the kids we got in our facility had similar backgrounds. Their parents didn't deserve the title. What I would be very careful about watching would be if they take their kid to the doctor and take her to whatever treatment she may need. If they don't do that, it would be cause to transfer custody.
Normally I'd not recommend such an action, but it sounds like childcare is going to be an issue. Just keep yourself ready to take care of your grandkid. The good news is that as bad as our kids had it, the ones to went to their grandparents had a much greater chance of turning out OK. So prepare yourself for that day.
I would apologise not so much because you're hardly in the wrong but because you're doing it for your grandchildren. I remember you said a couple of weeks ago they are twin girls? That's good enough a reason and when you do that, you showing a big heart and love to them beyond what your son-in-law (or out-law more likely)can comprehend.
Thanks, AW. But what I'm trying to weigh here is apologizing and having access to them right now, vs setting that precedent and having my son-in-law lauding the grand kids over my head for the rest of my life. I mean, what if apologize today and then say or do something he doesn't like tomorrow?
you seem to get a lot of bad treatment from them don't you..... i don't think the ban will last actually, what about when they need you for something
i have experienced similar situations and have apologized just for the sake of the apology.in the end i always win because i get what i want.all you are doing is stroking his ego and if that's all it takes to get him out the way do it.just keep your eye on the prize.in the back of his mind he is hoping that you don't so have the last laugh and do it....good luck and be well
so sorry to hear, I don't have grandchildren but if something like that ever happened...... I think I would be on the front porch holding one of my son's fantasy swords...
o.k. obviously, I wouldn't do that, but I would make it clear that I would not accept such behavior from him. it's a control issue for him, as it sounds like he controls others through manipulation, such as not working and using money for his partying. if he can control you and his wife this way, it's his sense of power over his own sorry life, his failures.
take some time to think it through and you'll know how to proceed~~ good luck! I do agree with misha to the end that you don't want to hurt your daughter first and foremost.
I think what TamCor says is accurate and makes a lot of sense. Do what you gotta do to see your grand-kids, and try to avoid Mr. Sinister as much as you can. Just time your visits for when he is out.
It is best to keep the peace especially when your daughter is still married to him. If not, your daughter will be put in an extremely difficult position.
Good luck - hope things work out for the best. >>> HUGS <<<
I have to agree with TK on this. Daughter should hold some power over him, most wives do. Just get in there to see them however you can and don't tell him nuthin' now that you know how he is. Good luck.
Oh this is son-in-law a.k.a asshole right?
Sigh my friend, that is grrrrr...
Knowing you love ,pride n joy I know you will do your best to opologise n suck it in , but I see your point ,hes/inlaws are using them precious cargo as bait or control!
Ask yourself which will be more important to me today ,tomorrow and future days (milestones, smiles,first teeth ,first words, cuddles, smells ,n tears) or how you feel about HIM.
(Dont wish this , but if he is true to his nature, he may not always be in your future-if you know what I mean) but those darling girls will be ,so as much as it goes against the grain ,Id opologise ,bawl my eyes out in private, and stay focused on being in your grand daughters lives
LOL Susan, when did this one become yet another political thread?
Okay, folks, had to take a break. But thank you all for your thoughts and advice.
The guy is a control freak, is controlling my daughter and now wants to control me. I do believe that the best thing that I can do is to be a good role model for my daughter right now. And I do think that the best thing that I can do for me is to not let him dictate what I do or say for the next 18 years. Let's face it. If I apologize, this would go on and on and on.
So, when he goes back to work (as he monitors her phone calls, emails and Facebook messages when he's home), I will call my daughter and tell her how much I love her, that I miss her and the babies like crazy and that I will be here for her whenever and however she needs me. Then I will cry for a week or two or three or four or five....
You are a very brave and intelligent woman. It's going to take a lot of guts, and it will be hard, but you've obviously thought it through.
One day, and it will be sooner rather than later (because you won't prolong his stupidity by allowing him to dictate the rules) your daughter will make her move. Whether it be taking control of her life within the marriage, or her removing herself from that marriage. They say 'you reap what you sow'. And your harvest will be plentiful and the fruits of it will be sweet.
I think you are on the right track Lisa. Good luck to you, and I will keep my fingers crossed.
Thank you so much for all of your words of wisdom, Darkside and Misha. I appreciate you both more than you know.
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