I have a 10 yr old and 5 year old sons. I have no problem from my 5 yr old until the 10 yr old comes home for weekends. I don't understand. My 10 year old lashes out so bad and hates to mind. I have tried almost everything in the book. Any suggestions for me? It's bad. Bagging the doors, his head and yelling.
I had a lot of the same problems from my oldest son which still to this day I am having issues with him. The only thing I can suggest would be to take him to a psychologist to find out what he is angry about because he sounds like he has anger issues. I was divorced and raised him alone most of the time and then I remarried. His father would tell him one thing and then not follow through with it and this caused a lot of the anger issues you really need to try to find his trigger for the out bursts and redirect him to do something he like. For example my son loved drawing so we encouraged him to draw when he felt anger not saying it is going to work right away but after a while he will learn to put his anger in a positive manner and in the long run will help him to develop emotionally better if taught to redirect his anger in a positive manner. I hope this helps!!!
It may be that the oldest is transitioning to a different phase, while you are still "stuck" in the previous one. He could be ready for a little more freedom, for instance, while you insist on treating him almost the same as his 5-year-old brother. Or it may be that he *perceives* that there's no difference in your treatment of them, which to him amounts to the same thing. I don't know enough about your circumstances to be more specific than this, but I think you may want to consider greater differentiation in the way you treat your boys.
I think a 10-year-old boy is a little on the young side to be entering puberty, since they are usually a few years behind girls in that respect. I have two boys myself. They're now 18 and 16. Neither of them entered puberty much before age 12 or 13, but children will vary, of course.
Whatever you do, you do not want to set yourself up for a power struggle with your children, because that will practically guarantee an adolescent from hell. They need to have rules and boundaries in order to feel that they matter, but they also need to be able to see that the rules you impose make sense and aren't merely an arbitrary decision on your part.
I do not want to sound mean, but maybe the one who comes home and "throws massive fits" needs to seek some kind of counselor or therapy. It might be best in the long run for your sanity and for your youngest, since your youngest is very impressionable and the younger children seem to look up to and always mimic the older children.
I was adopted by my grandmother, along with my older cousin and my younger cousin, we are all 3 years apart..and I will say this. Grandma was sick alot after grandpa passed away, so the oldest taught the middle and the middle taught the youngest..We basicly learned by mimicing each others actions, which were not always a good thing. We had to survive the best we could and when I was left to "show" my youngest cousin the way , I got emancipated as an adult at 16...and unfortunatly with me leaving he turned to friends , and those friends were the wrong crowd of friends to turn to. He is ow an adult ( my youngest cousin ) and is almost 30.After I left , he dropped out of school at 16, moved to the streets as a runaway, lived life as a homeless man into early adulthood, and became an alcoholic. I wish I would of stayed around, but if I ws not emacipated, my life would of not fared as well as it did.I look back and wish things could of been different, I was ok learning life from my older female cousin, my younger male cousin really had no one to look up toand all he remembers is my wild teenage years before I left and that is all he knew to live by.I wish he could of gotten help as a child, I think all 3 of us needed counseling, but that goes into another story.
I guess I kind of veered off to tell you why I think a little therapy might help and give an example.He only knew what he saw, and he had no adult to mimic or really learn from, grandma couldnt control him and she had very poor health by 1992-1993. Therapy might of saved his life and made it a little better for him and made it better for grandma.
While it's difficult to know exactly what's going on in your situation, some of the things you have said remind me of ADHD; HOWEVER (and this is a HUGE caveat) ADHD is GROSSLY OVER-DIAGNOSED in the US. You may consider having your child screened by a professional who does not throw around diagnoses easily. If your son actually HAS ADHD, it would help to know it...however if he DOESN'T, it may only give him an excuse to act as badly as he is now or worse. If you would like to know more about the clinical symptoms of ADHD, write to me and let me know, I'll get them to you as soon as I can.
Other Hubbers mentioned that he needs to know the rules and the consequences--this cannot be stressed enough. Children need clear, consistent expectations (and the room to meet those expectations); a solid understanding of reality-based consequences (both positive and negative); and CONSISTENCY. If the rules change (say from house to house, or day to day) this can confuse, disorient, and frustrate the child; it can also leave him feeling a lack of security because he needs strong parents and appropriate discipline.
I could be wrong, but I'm betting that there's been a separation in the household? Family counseling/therapy might be indicated here. I do not recommend individual counseling for children. When children act out, they are often expressing the pain of their entire family, thus the entire family needs to be involved in the healing process whenever possible--children do not develop in a vacuum. Please do not take this to mean that I am blaming your family or any such thing--it doesn't make you a bad parent, it just means that there may be something that you are all feeling hurt over, and that this child is acting as the "voice" for that pain. I highly recommend reading The Family Crucible by Carl Whitaker and Augustus Napier.
Please seek some help for you and your son; the level of violence he's enacting on himself is of great concern.
puberty. It will take it's course and become normal again.
Single mom of three boys here. I would suggest a couple of things. First of all, be sure that he has rules and boundries. Kids that age equate boundries with love, sooo, if you let him break rules or do not give him rules, he will think you don't care. His age is the beginning of a hellish few years. About that age boys think their parents turn stupid, and about 16 to 18 parents magically become smart again. Make sure you are consistant with all the rules. If you let him get away with something one time and then punish him the next, it do not work.
Try to talk to him when he is in a receptive mood and sometimes they will tell you what is wrong...amazing...
I also found that if you tell him what a good thing he is doing, when he does something good, just let him know what a good kid he is for doing it. For example, my oldest would refuse to do chores in the kitchen. He would dilly dally, forget, tell me no, do it myself, all kinds of things. The very first time I saw him take his plate to the sink without being told, I over-played the good boy thing, told his brothers to take a look at how good he was, gave him a hug, and even gave him things like letting him stay up an extra half hour as a reward. Downplay the bad. It is a real difficult period, and they do pull through. Try to keep things calm, and keep communications open. Good luck
Wow don't think I had such problems. They were always out running amok, swimming, sports, kids group. When my one son got out of hand, he didn't like room detention or grounding so we negotiated and came up with writing lines I would tell him, write this 25X and if you do it again, next session will double to 50 lines, do you want that? he would behave. hope you are able to figure out how best to help your son.
He loves sports but having to go back and forth to two houses, his dad won't let him play them any more. I really hate that. The sports did seem to help him and make him feel like he was really doing something.
that's too bad. it sounds like playing sports was something he really enjoyed. why doesn't his dad let him play sports anymore? his whole life has been disrupted and that was one of the things he liked, and it is also a way to get negative energy out. it's probably easier to act out towards mom than dad, and he is bottling up all of these feelings and releasing them onto you, unfortunately.
i'd suggest to him that if he finds a way to behave himself, you will find a way for him to play sports at your house. also, be firm and consistent. it may take several tries, or many tries, but he will get it if you remain firm and don't back down when you give a punishment.
Take them for 30-45 minute walks every day and when they behave jab them in the neck and go TSST.
In a calm moment, later on when he's okay, have you asked him what he is feeling when he is like that, banging his head and stuff?
At ten, kids are way more articulate and in touch with complex ideas than we give them credit for. They don't manifest it often because, often, we don't make room for it.
I'd just ask him. He might give you the answer you're looking for.
Thank you for the great advice I am getting back. This has helped so much. I had him this last weekend and it went really great! I kept my cool with him and gave him for freedom than normal. He sponded very well. He only wanted to act out once this time and I didn't fight back at all. I kept my cool, voice low, and stood my ground. He actually told me he was sorry and went back to being as sweet as can be. Thank you all again. I hope we can keep it up.
Puberty and divorce don't go well together. I cannot think of 2 things that go less well together. (or a boy growing up without a good dad figure role-model)....same for a girl...
Anger issues - blame - the emotional intelligent quotient of both the parent(s) and the child - sorrow masked as anger - feelings they don't have a clue what to do with.
Lack of respect is big ( deserved or not)...But I do believe that to stay *healthy* ourselves, we MUST do everything WE can to ourselves remain emotionally healthy (or get that way) and to **NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY** which can be Da**ed HARD!!
This too shall pass...sigh...but it sure isn't easy.
p.s.//also, be careful with *rules* - Choose your Battles Wisely.
Let the small stuff slide - if not, they will Never listen. If they don't want to go to counseling - forcing them to go does not generally work well and can actually make them act out worse.
Is there ANYone else (an adult) that they like/trust that they could talk to and feel that person is *neutral?
Nothing else, again, worse than feeling * set-up*, at ANY age - you know?!
I try to tune them out. I take away privelages and there all in counceling. I have one biological daughter and three adopted girls who are sisters and its a tough road. Between the three of them i deal with ODD, ADHD, ADD, RAD, Pstd, and mood disorder, sleep disorder . I only take away something they like for the day because if i give a week its worse for them so i take it one day at a time.
Chances are, if you go to a psychologist, you'll leave with a label (ADHD, bipolar, autism, etc.)
I'd be happy to offer you my free services (see www.lyndagary.com) The site is still under construction, but there is enough there for you to contact me.
It sounds like there is a divorce or that your 10 yo lives with dad during the week, and you on the weekend? If that is the case, it is sooo important to make sure that you and Dad co-parent in a way that works for the kid(s).
Your rules and expectations of your son should be generally the same, from house to house. Not exactly the same, but generally.
Also, if your youngest child is from a different father, and/or if there is an adult male in your home (boyfriend, new husband?), and if this adult male acts "fatherly" to your 10 yo, there could be a whole host of addt'l problems. Too many factors unknown for me to give you the best advice.
Again, feel free to contact me. I'd be happy to help.
Lots of good advice in here, except maybe jabbing him in the neck like a dog. You say he 'comes home for the weekend' I guess he is not part of your home in the week? if so - I would say this is the place to start thinking about him.
When my son was 13-14 he was diagnosed with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and I was instructed to use laughter when he was angry, whenever he said something, etc., And to laugh when I talked to him. You could look up RAD and see if the symptoms fit and check whatever advice is online.
Sorry, forgot to mention the outcome.
After a few weeks I saw a little improvement, after a few months much better but not yet the same as before. He still has anger issue, but his general humor is much improved. (he's 20 now)
He went through anger management classes as well as seeing a psychiatrist and being on medications.
We started young we laid it out good boys get good things and bad boys get bad things, you pick. If you choose to have us intervene we will gladly provide a bonus or a penalty.
I have to disagree (respectfully). It doesn't seem wise to ever say the words "bad boy" or "bad girl" to a child. The child isn't bad; only the behavior. So, something like, "Good things come to children with good behavior," gives the child the same message without stating that the child is bad.
I first expect them to comply.
second I set down simple rules and natural consequences.
third, I try to solve problems before they occur.
Last, I try to find positive things they do everyday -- catch them being good.
Christy, even though I have 5 kids, I've honestly never had a problem with them minding. Just lucky I guess or the fact that they're afraid of their mother's wrath and fear me not at all. Wish I could offer words of wisdom but I too am clueless
I was in a simular situation many years ago. My advice would be to simply put yourself in this child's shoes. When he comes into your home there's a bit of jealousy built up in him from not being a constant part of your family life. He is a bit jealous of his brother, whether he's aware of it or not, and takes it out on him. He doesn't understand why he can't be a part of it on a daily basis. They don't understand the law and terms of visitation. And since you aren't a part of his daily life and know more about the in's and out's of a five year old, you don't know how to relate as well to an older child. You are both victims of the situation. My advice would be to take time out to be with just him, to bond, to learn, to build trust. Therapy is a great option but you can also do your own therapy by becoming more personally involved. And even though your children are 5 yrs apart in age, there are things they can enjoy together, without resentment. It's just a matter of you figuring out what can bridge the 2 kids relationship with each other and bond. Nothing is more important than family. Just think for a moment what it'd be like if you were to pass on tomorrow. Would your children grow further apart or would they seek each other for comfort and always be there for one another? I know that seems morbid but that is what we're talking about here...our kids relationships with us and each other.
There is always the possibility that the older child harbors feelings connected to the breakup. A child's world is way more black and white than the adult world. Further, it can be perceived that the younger child is more favored, because younger children require more focus from the parent. If they are "step" siblings, this can also be a factor. Special attention on the older child can sometimes correct the situation. Responsibility can also help, especially if it makes them feel needed. A last factor is that the rules between households should be compatible, that way one parent isn't veiwed by the child as being "cooler" than the other.
never hurts to hit therapy, something is clearly wrong and before it escalates further an intervention with love, acceptance and kindness with a professional sounds imperative
just a thought, I am not a mother but was behaving this way at that age for very real reasons, which took 20 years to admit. Our behaviours, as you know are almost always a reaction to our emotions at that age.
Truly, best of luck! And lets hope he is going through the path he was meant to and i's just a stage that too shall pass.
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