falling father

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   Lecieposted 14 years ago

   my father just had a hip replacement. although i have been there for him and gone through hell and high water for him he treats me like dirt. i go into town everyday to care for him. every time i try to help he yells and verbally abuses me. but when his physical therapist is there he's sweet as can be.
   should i continue to put up with this abuse or not show up and risk him taking a nasty fall?
   i don't want him to be hurt but at the same time he hurts me a hundred times a day. what should i do? i can't take his yelling anymore. i've even talked to him about it and he started yelling that he hasn't been yelling. should i be the abuse victim or the careless daughter who let him fall?

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      IzzyMposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      He is not going to change. He will continue this way and continue to use you, and you know something? You will let him because he is your dad and because you understand his frustrations.
      Normally when older people get a hip replacement they get a new lease of life, is this not happening with your dad? He should be walking and getting on with his own life, better than before.
      One thing I can suggest is that you contact your local social services department and see if you can get any form of help in the form of a Home Help or other such person that can just keep an eye on your dad and maybe do a bit of light housework for him, or cook him a meal or two.
      Gives you a break if nothing else.

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      sunflower1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      This is probably the worst accepted advice anyone is going to give you WALK AWAY and let your other siblings and your father know what life without you would be. It will only take a weekend retreat, no phone, no contact to see if anyone else steps up to the plate. Then say I am here but I need your support...good luck!

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      2Tonyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Go and see him one more time, if the abuse stars again tell him that your are not prepared to put up with his abuse any more and unless he apotheosizes you will let social services take over.
      You might mention it's not your fault he had to have a hip replacement.
      
      As your walking out of the door tell him you will be there for him but he must apologise.
      
      That puts the ball in his court; he can get you back there at any time if he apotheosizes.
      
      If he dose great, but remember what happen in the future.
      
      If he doesn't bother, his really telling you something.
      
      Live your life first.

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      awareposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      falls kill the old ive seen it many times its odd

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   lynnechandlerposted 14 years ago

   If he is anything like my dad, he is extremely frustrated right now and is taking it out on you. He is going to be nice when someone that is not family is there, that is what we do. You don't let the outside world see the bad, so there again you get the brunt of it right now.
   
   I would say, if you have talked to him then he knows what he is doing. Maybe go and check on him do what you can but don't coddle or push him to extreme. He needs to work to get back on his feet and either of those can make him feel like a failure. It's that male pride thing.
   
   Be patient with him and just show him how much you love him. Big hugs to you for helping out.

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      Lecieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      thanks for the advice but i only go in when he calls me. i've had to make about six trips a day. it seems like almost as soon as i get home he's calling for help again. when i get there all he can do is yell some more as i try to help. i even told him that if he doesn't like the way i'm helping he can call one of his other daughters to do it. (i have 4 sisters)
      he still calls me. because of the way he treats me when i help the others have refused to help him. they have put the burden of his recovery on me. he has put the burden of his anger on me. my agent has put the burden of needing my script right away. my cat has been ill. it just seems like one thing after another. if you have anymore advice it would be greatly appreciated.

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         Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Does he live by himself?

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      Hauntyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hardly. Loved ones always come first.

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         IzzyMposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Loved ones should always come first, but when dad is being a grumpy old B, loved ones get in the neck!

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   shazwellynposted 14 years ago

   Pain makes people really grumpy.  Its rotten being in constant pain. 
   
   He is probably feeling 'dependant' on you... remember you are still his child (in his head you are still 14!) and is used to being the role of you being the dependant.
   
   He is also disappointed in himself and can see a decline in his health.  This is very depressing for him.  Anger is one of the symptoms of depression.
   
   A resolve?  Well, try and bring in extra carers to do some manual caring if you can.  I know money can be a problem, but the extra help might help you.  Try taking him out for something he likes to do.. maybe share something special?  This quality time might help with the dynamics of your relationship.
   
   I dont know if this will help, there are no hard and fast rules, but you need support too and this can come in a practical way.
   
   Good luck x

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   Hauntyposted 14 years ago

   Talk sense into your father. Being a parent is still no grounds for any kind of abuse.

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   west40posted 14 years ago

   Is there some way to record him abusing you - my guess is that he is so frustrated and in pain that he has no idea how he is actually treating you.  If you record his abuse and in a few days when he is calm and relaxed, play it back for him - He may be very surprised and wake up to the reality of how he is actually treating you.  HANG IN THERE

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   Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

   This thread caught my eye because I took of my mother, and I'm of the generation that now has elderly parents, so I know a lot of people who've taken care of elderly parents.  There's no doubt it's challenging for family members, but people who are in pain and dealing with what they can no longer do (or worried about never doing it again) can, as someone else said, be grumpy.  They often have to deal with well intended people who don't really know what the person wants/needs. Some can develop clinical depression, which can affect how reasonable a person is.
   
   For now, I think you may need to find a way not to let his words hurt you; and just try to understand that once/if he feels better he'll probably go back to his old self.  Since you don't live with him, that gives you that much of a break from it.  Since he'll probably get better eventually, that's something to look forward to.  Being in pain and discomfort for a long time can turn people into someone they really aren't.
   
   After taking care of my elderly mother and being really familiar with how things were with my cousin and her 89-year old mother, I've seen that the challenges in taking care of someone aren't the time or effort or work.  We all expect that.  The "hidden" challenges are the thing that are really tricky to deal with, like the "attitude" your father seems to be showing.
   
   I don't know you or your father, but my opinion, based only on what you present here, is that you should hang tough, continue to be there for him, and try to overlook a lot of stuff for now.  If you could get a home health aid or get some emotional support from you from someone like a social worker at the hospital or senior center in your town, maybe those could help you feel less supported.  What I found with my mother was that she was free to "be herself" when I was the one around, because she felt close to me and didn't feel she had to put on a friendly, strong, front.  I'd hear her on the phone, talking and laughing with someone; and then when she was off the phone she'd seem close to despondent (this was when she was bedridden and dying, so it wasn't like she had reason to be laughing and chatting - but she'd laugh and chat when someone else called).  I guess it was a matter of "rising above it" if she felt she had to, or else a matter of having pride and dignity with outsiders; but a matter of her just feeling that I should know her well enough that she didn't have to pretend.
   
   Hope your father recovers soon; and keep in mind that it's "never pretty" when you're on the care-giving end in these situations.  If they could be "all happy" and just need assistance it would be a whole lot easier and less challenging; but what you're describing is exactly the kind of thing that makes such a situation hard on those involved.

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   Will Bensonposted 14 years ago

   IzzyM wrote:
   "One thing I can suggest is that you contact your local social services department and see if you can get any form of help in the form of a Home Help or other such person that can just keep an eye on your dad and maybe do a bit of light housework for him, or cook him a meal or two."
   
   This makes a lot of sense. You sound very stressed out from carrying the whole load. You need some time of your own needs. Definitely get some help. Your sisters should be more involved.
   
   Best wishes -- I admire your dedication.

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   Rafiniposted 14 years ago

   Perhaps the problem is he's calling you rather than you calling him or just stopping by?  Or maybe you're providing the wrong kind of help? 
   
   When I had to take care of 2 of my kids after a car accident (my daughter had a broken arm, both had concussions & whiplash) I slowly allowed them to do more, but asked them along the way if they needed help or what kind of help do they need.  Basically allowing them to direct me as to what help they needed instead of assuming.
   
   I am thinking your father might be annoyed at needing help and doesn't know how to ask for it properly.

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   B.C. BOUTIQUEposted 14 years ago

   from experience...sometimes a few months stay in an assisted living facility, "nursing home ", is what he needs to settle down and appriciate what his family does for him....they will take great care of him but not put up with the verbal abuse...he will learn to appriciate you and all you are doing for him...

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10. 61

    Ohmaposted 14 years ago

    Lecie
    I am not sure about Ohio but here in Pa. we have an organazation called York County Area Agency on Aging. When My husband came home from the Hospital the last time they paid for me to get outside help from a none relative so that I could go to work and stuff. It might be that there is some kind of organazation like that for you as well.
    
    I think they are primarily funded by AARP

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       Rafiniposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Good idea!  Where I'm at we have the Coalition for the Elderly.  Probably if she called Social Services they could help her locate the appropriate agency for assistance.

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    china manposted 14 years ago

    My father had both legs amputated in old age.  He was generally the most balanced and wise man, I never heard him use racist,sexist or any ist talk in my life, he never hit any of us 8 kids etc etc.
    
    Recovering in hospital he was SO nice to everyone, all the staff and patients loved him to death.  BUT he was absolutely foul to to the black nurse who took care of his every need, calling her a b***k b***h, why didn't she go back where she came from, etc., etc.; ad nauseaum.  I tried to talk to him about it but he refused to talk about it.
    
    I brought the nurse a gift and tried to apologise to her for him - she told me that she considered it part of his therapy to shout at someone and abuse them, it got the anger and frustration out of him when there was no answer to the terrible thing that was happening to him.  That we could all have the sight and wisdom and patience etc etc to be like her ?? 
    
    The ending was that she was the only person he insisted on going back to see (only once) and they clearly loved each other in some way.

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    Lecieposted 14 years ago

    thanks to you all. you may not know it but your words here have been some support for me. my younger sister does live with my dad. i only go in when she needs my help caring for him or a break of her own. that's anywhere from 2-6 times a day. the funny thing is most of the time he's a complete angel with her. when i rush in to help when it's needed he just yells things like "i don't care what you think would be easier. your going to have to listen and do it right." i mean he yells at the top of his lungs. i try my hardest to put things where he wants them or clean how he wants. he was a military man though and sometimes he treats me more like a soldier than a daughter. i know i'm stronger than most of my sisters but even i have my breaking point. i will take your advice and look into home care for him. thanks so much just for listening. i don't know that many people and the ones i do know don't listen to problems. they can sure throw theirs at me but could careless when i have one. you guys are the best. thanks so much.

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