When to know when to remove a No Contact Order

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   sd98posted 13 years ago

   After 4 years of an abusive relationship the children and I are finally out of it. My ex has been charged and convicted on more then one occassion. Although the physical abuse was only directed towards me, our children suffered greatly. After the last arrest he seemed to be very eager to go to treatment. He lied and manipulated everyone to avoid jail and succeed. After seperation the mental abuse would continue. He would threaten to only want to see our youngest. He would make plans to see them then not hear from him for days after. Our 12 year old son was hurt badly in a bicycle accident and I begged him to watch our girls so I could take him to the hospital. He agreed, then never heard from him for days, not even a call to see if he was ok. I reinstated a no contact order because I just couldn't take it. What he was doing to the children I felt was abusive. When I tried to talk to him about his actions all he ever would say the sound of my voice annoys him and he isn't abusive cause he just abuses me. Well it has been a few months now. He never arranged access through the supervised access center like he was supposed to do. He hasn't given me a penny although I was left with all the debt and a home I can't afford and face being homeless every month. We had a custody hearing the other day which he ended up just leaving. He left a message with my lawyer saying he would agree to everything, if I drop the no contact order. Now here is my problem. The past few months the children and I have been receiving a lot of counselling and treatment to recover. We are all starting to do very well. They love and miss their Dad, but they are also afraid of him hurting them emotionally. He hasn't seem to have done anything to show me that he has changed. If he wanted to see them he could have made the arrangments. It would have been a start. The holidays are coming and the only way now he can see or talk to them is if I remove the no contact order....I just don't know what to do. I don't know what is best for the children. I worry if I remove it we will all just be back where we started.

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2. 84

   KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

   You're in a tough position and my heart goes out to you.  I'm glad to hear that you have gotten out of the situation and begun counseling.  It will help you tremendously.  I really think it's going to take the advice of a trained professional that is familiar with your specifics to advise you. 
   
   My gut tells me you should stay away from him until you've all healed a bit more.  I too would fear it would just set you back. 
   
   I wish you the best.

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3. 89

   RedElfposted 13 years ago

   I agree with KCC - stay away from him until you are stronger. It may not be the greatest Christmas, but think of all the harm he has already done, and be strong for your children.
   
   Stay in counselling

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   insearchof truthposted 13 years ago

   Don't feel sorry for him, stick with the no contact order.  I have worked in domestic violence areas and from your description He presents as a classic case, and it seems he is trying to weasel his way back into your life.  The threat of aggreeing to everything to remove the no-contact order, when he has not made efforts to see the children as directed in the past demonstrates the motive for his manipulation is to have contact with you again.

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   sd98posted 13 years ago

   Well I spoke with our family services worker and they said the same not to remove it until he can at least show he wants to be apart of the childrens life. Sadly, they to believe it has nothing to do with the children, it is just to get to me. I have done everything I can to allow him access through a third party and he has chosen not to see them or contact them in any way. Really it is very sad that his desire and need to control me is greater then his love for our children.

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6. 84

   KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

   It is sad, sd98.  If it were me, I'd do all I could to make this the best Christmas ever for the kids that is filled with fun and laughter and forget about him and his obvious issues for now.  Act like he's gone away on a trip or something.  Forget about him for a bit.  I know he's their father and deep down they miss him, etc.  But, just for awhile, don't worry about righting all the wrongs.  Just enjoy the season and begin to let yourselves heal from the wounds.  In time, hopefully you'll all be stronger and maybe, just maybe, he'll get himself sorted out and you can all begin working on rebuilding their relationship with him.  Just don't rush things.  Take care.

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   sd98posted 13 years ago

   Well over the past few weeks life has been interesting. Been in and out of court etc. I did remove the no contact order which showed his intent was just what everyone said it would be. Through the holidays he keep contacting the kids and I but never really seen them. It was more of a tracking device for him. Anyways he signed over sole custody, which made the court battle end. The only thing he wanted changed was he didn't want to pay what the courts would have ordered so I had to agree with a lessor amount. Which that too, shows nothing is about the children. Anyways once the holidays were over, he has once again disappeared. He didn't show up to see the kids and we haven't heard from him since. Well the good news, now the kids know it's not me...it is him.

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