Should I be mad/upset??
I don't want to complain or anything but I was wondering if this was something I should be unhappy about. Do tell.
I'm on a very fixed income and I come over to help my parents free w/ eldercare very often.
They don't pay me, I don't mind helping them and getting a few dollars here or there for gas$ or for a little treat. Nothing , not a drop in the bucket of what a real person would be paid.
So, now I've got a car repair for $600 and neither of them are giving me any $ for it, even though I've helped them and they have $$. I'm barely scraping by and lucky a couple of friends are loaning me.
Should I be mad at them when they have 100,000 in the bank?
What I'm planning on doing is not helping them anymore, not much because they have lots of other people who can.
Schoolgirl, they are your parents they raised you and if they were like most parents they sacrificed alot so could have food to eat and clothes on your back. I understand your frustration, but you will regret not helping them when they are gone.
Sorry if this sounds uncaring but actually I think you will feel much worse in the long run knowing you did not give your parent help when they needed it.
These are your parents - do you love and care about them? If yes, you help them as much as you can without complaint - whether or not they come running to your aid when you need it. If it weren't for your parents, you wouldn't be here.
On a side note - you aren't giving the full story. Perhaps your parents aren't assisting you because they feel they've already done their share of assisting you when needed - have you been 'needy' too often? (just something to think about - maybe they have a legitimate reason for not assisting you, whether or not you know what it is)
I think it's right (natural) to feel the way you do. Whoa, detractors, hear me out before the e-tasing begins...
Filial piety is one of the bedrocks of a healthy family/society. The natural development of this principle was that children would be vulnerable without support when they were young and fragile, and the elderly would "circle-of-life" be vulnerable in the elder years. It is a symbiotic relationship- in non-"mushy" (pathos) terms.
It's natural you would feel this way, but is it "right?" (Morally concerned) That depends on necessity. How much do you require your car versus how much your parents (obviously) require medical care. This determines, logically how "right or wrong" you are.
You will also naturally feel guilty, morally and scientifically. The first, because of cultural conditioning the second because of environmental factors and their effects on memory. Similar to the question: "Honestly, were you "needy" growing up?" If so and you never addressed this, your Psyche might be inducing a guilt-trip in the same way one experiences an extra-vivid dream at night.
The money part is weird (100,000) and does beg the question, there is some kind of mysterious past development that impairs our "outsider" advice from being totally effective.
If they can spare the money (dependent on their health and retirement plans) and your car IS essential for earning your fragile (I get the feeling) income, they should at least try to make a plan with you if they are properly concerned. If they really cannot afford it, dangerous expensive symptoms in their health developing, that needs to be considered too.
I'll watch this forum develop and try to help as more information becomes available. :-) Good luck and take care.
This is really kind of a tough question to answer, as I can see where your coming from on this. However, it's difficult for me to offer a full assessment of the situation without hearing both parties' point of views. However, this is exactly the reason why I try to never count on people when I need them financially. Sure, it would be great if you did have a friend or family member that can help you out like that. However, from personal experience, I found that whenever I specifically needed financial help with anything, it's often best to never rely on anyone but yourself. The sad reality is that most people (even family) are often prone to be selfish by nature, so it's never a good idea to completely rely on them. Sure, they may help you out once in a while, but it's always good to have back up plans just in case they can't help you. You get what I'm saying? Basically meaning you should never put all your eggs into one basket is all im saying.
As far as helping others are concerned, I think you have a good heart. However, to quote a phrase from the cult series, "Thundercats" (don't laugh, as what I'm about to say is important), "you do the right thing because it's the right thing to do." Not because your expecting a "thank you" or any kind of favors after wards, in case you need it. No, doing the right thing and helping out people is something you do from the heart, without expecting anything in return. I know that sounds lame and in a perfect world, they should be willing to return the favor. However, society doesn't work that way, as most people only tend to think about themselves. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true...
Reality versus idealogy. You are on a fixed income, you have needs They are older they have needs. You cannot and do not need to financially support them. How do you help them? Emotional support? cook a meal? clean the house? Go grocery shopping for them? They buy the food? The pay for your errand gas? Do you tell them you love them and will watch out for them? But now you have a financial need. Are they aware of that? Did you tell them gently about your need?
Ideally they should know and offer some financial help if they have extra money. But if they don't know, or don't have extra money, would you love them less?
Reality is they are old, and older people focus on different things than younger people. They worry about not having enough, they worry about health, they worry about muggers and falling down and little things. they may know you need money, but they make be afraid they don't have enough and because of your fixed income, they don't want to be a burden on you if they run out of money. So they hoard what they do have to protect themselves and you.
There are a hundred possibilities involved, will you love them less because of their insecurities and fears? Do they tell you they love you? Your communication levels are not exactly clear in your question. Listen, talk, love, three of the most important things when dealing with older parents.
Your feelings are perfectly natural. If I were your parents and had the money to help, I would do so. I help my kids all the time. Ask them for a no-interest loan that you can repay monthly. As others have said, however, I think you'll regret turning your back on them in the long run.
I can see if you're on a fixed income and then your car needs to be repaired how it could be very frustrating.
All I can really say is to ask them if you can borrow the money but have a solution of how you'll pay it back(obviously only if you absolutely need it).
Also, try to put yourself in their shoes. 100k might sound like a lot but unfortunately it really isn't. They are trying to hold onto that money as long as they can so they are not a financial burden on anyone. Instead of looking at it like they are loaded and don't care about you, try to see it from their point of view. I'm sure they wish they had a lot of extra money to be able to give you but they have a set amount to live on for the rest of their lives. Things happen which can suck that money up in a heartbeat and that thought must be very unsettling for them.
Obviously, I do not know what your relationship is like but I think you should continue to help as much as you can. I think you'll be happy you did.
Your question is: Is is right to feel this way?
Think about that.....are feelings wrong? A very smart psychologist/author told me once: "..there's no such thing as a wrong feeling." You have a right to feel whatever way you feel. What you do with that feeling is what makes it right or wrong. You're entitled to your feelings of resentment. But if you take that feeling and make a negative out of it directed at somebody else, does that make it right?
You are having normal feelings of resentment. Anyone would. I would too....
No, actually , I know it's fine to feel this way.
I only stated it that way, so if people opposed my feelings- which I knew they would, they wouldn't jump all over me or not anwer at all.
This is way more complex than I could explain in a forum.
Fact is my parents are aware, and they even have helped ohters recently but they are just more and more stubborn in helping as they get older, almost as if they are so miserable, they can't help anyone.
My mother promised to help me, maybe she's mad about some petty thing. But they are still sane and just not in prime physical shape, they've always taken advantage of all thier kids' kindness and treated us bad. They are lucky we help them like we do, but we are well meaning people.
If they were not aware or out of thier minds, of course I wouldn't be mad. But they are in their right minds. Perhaps it's also because I favor a son they hate and wish dead. I don't really know.
What I do know is they are and always have been tight w/ money. But it's unfortuante, for my dad helped me when I was 19 or so and in my 20's but he's mad i left home and says that since I did I'm on my own. But then I come by because I get lonely and so do they , I empty his comode, I clean the house, I massage my mom's legs...etc
And I didn't ask for much. I guess I'll never be able to accept them for many things: for f***ing up our lives by being abusive and dysfunctional, being packrates/hoarders and keepig the house so filthy, --they don't even care when I clean it now...
Yes I do feel resentment, I can't stand to eat at table or even be in the house, it's so filthy- the way they like- or barely get thru the hallways..but I still come.
I will most likely spend much more time apart from them, for w/ thier mentallity after awhhiel, they start treating me mean and then after I'm gone a while beg me tjo come back. They even did htis with the cat...got sick of him and then wanted him back. And they ahve 9 other kids to mess w/. They won't miss me long if I'm gone. We're all pawns in thier little game to get attention as they play chess with each other, both fighting for our attention and yellling
I feel much as habee does here.
I agree with others that it is important for adult children to help their elderly parents with their needs, just as the parents helped the children when they were younger.
But I also know the actual financial cost of in-home elder care (a "real person," as you described it), and it can be rather astronomical, even when the tasks are not highly demanding or specialized. If your parents are at the point where they actually do need some level of care (as opposed to just being happy to receive help), then you have been providing a very valuable service to them for free. That is very commendable!!
I wasn't sure from your post whether you really have asked them for the money or not. But, rather than stopping the service to them because of being mad at them or as a way to demonstrate your feelings right now, would it be possible to tell them that you can't provide the same level of assistance as in the past, because you need to find some income to pay for the car repair?
the repair is $600
I use the car to see them and use it to run errands and drive my Mom to church they know this and said they would help before.
Not now. My mom did give me some cash $35 for early Xmas gifts. But not specifically for the car.
I absolutely can stop helping them, but I don't have a job.
Anyways, I have the $ now, just need to get it done. But as habee says it would be a normal thing for them to help me.
Yes, a free sevice to them "That is very commendable!!
Thankyou. I agree.
maybe time to reread your hub about caring for elderly parents and having patience. I think you're just experiencing the stress/difficulty that's involved with caring for your parents. I do recall a similar thread by you a couple months ago. Feelings are simply that, feelings. they come and go.
you can ride them like waves, or decide how you want to feel.
even though it may seem justified to feel resentment, does it really benefit you or your parents? perhaps take some time to put things in perspective and do what's necessary.
Christmas is coming up… Lots of implications there… Think about it…
And maybe readdress the issue next week, if still relevant...
I don't know if what you feel is right or wrong, but you feel what you feel and I think it's perfectly natural for you to feel this way. If my kids were taking care of me, I'd feel like it was only right to pitch in and help them, especially if they were on a fixed income. Have you talked to your parents about this? Maybe they are just unaware of what a financial burden they are to you and would be willing to help you out.
As far as feeling regret for refusing to help them any further, well I hate to say this and I know somebody is going to nail me to a cross for saying this, but I've always had another way of looking at things, by refusing to help them and making them seek help outside the family with people they would have to compensate, even if only for a short time, that would certainly be teaching them a lesson about how valuable your services are and that your assistance shouldn't be taken for granted just because you are their child. Parents teach their children about consequences, I see no reason why children can't teach their parents as well. I learn things from my kids all the time.
yes, trying to do that but the other 9 siblings don't want to. No worries really. Just a temp bump in the road. I'm sure one of my siblings is planning to force them into a home, not that I agree w/ it, or can do anything about it, and have already warned them.
Oh for Pete sake, if there are nine siblings some of them should also be able to help out and it shouldn't be all on you.
You say that at least one of them is planning to force your parents into a home, how terrible. That might be exactly the reason they are holding on to their money so tightly. They are on a fixed income too. $100,000 is not very much money in today's world and if they are trying to stay out of a place like that, which to me is just a storage facility for unwanted persons who can no longer look after themselves and have no decent family members to care for them, they will need all their resources.
We appreciate help when others offer, but shouldn't expect it. Parents do so much for us when we are growing up. They get no reward, no payment, no appreciation. You are doing a good thing by helping them.
If that 100,000 is for retirement, they can't afford to give you any of it. You will be lucky if you don't have to give them money later!
I appreciate your postings and learn something which i don't know.
Helping your parents is not a "service" they should assume they have to pay for in some way. If you are doing more than your fair share, then don't? If you could use some financial help from them, have you considered asking for it? In the end you are choosing to do what you do, and they only have obligations they sponataneously feel or you mutually agree to.
They are still your parents. They gave you life. That is the only thing they have ever owed you. They took care of you when you were little. In return, they should be appreciative of your help. You are their daughter. You don't owe them service either, but you choose to. You are a good daughter. Not everyone does that for their parents. You have a good heart. It shows in your commitment toward your folks. If they have that much money, they should be helping you. Most people that age, 60-90, lived during a different time. They were always taught to save and save and save. My grandma died in 06. She had over $250,000 in savings. When I would ask her for $20, she would gripe. She saved all that money for nothing. She could have spent it on the grandkids, you know, gave them a fresh start. She couldn't take it to the grave with her. I don't mean that in a bad way school. Maybe, you should have a heart to heart with your parents. If they have that much and they are not in need of anything, they should help you. Tell them how much it would cost for a live in nurse or helper. Maybe, they will understand. I look up to you though. That is a good thing your doing. Family is so important, but most of us don't realize it until it's to late. God Bless you school.
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