Okay, here's the problem, I have hit pre-teen stage with my daughter, and everything I say she has to talk back, even when it has nothing to do with her, she has some rude or sarcastic remark. Saying Shut up is like the biggest four letter word, but it's running through my mind every time she talks back. Every time I try to get her to talk to me, she has nothing to say. Are you angry? Are you confused? What do you need? What do you want? And then I blow, tell her to go to her room, and if she doesn't have anything constructive to say, don't say anything at all. And then the guilt. The school says that she is a healthy, well adjusted child, so why do I feel like pulling my hair out???
LOL it's totally the age.
You're not alone, and she'll grow up eventually. Stay strong
One thing I've always said is......
The very thing that annoys the hell out of you about her now will one day make you proud.
I have to remind myself of that sometimes with my daughter. She turned 18 in Nov. Just look at this way, when she questions you, or stands up against you, she's stretching her wings. She's practicing on you. All of this practice will one day be used against the world. When she comes up against teachers, bosses, boyfriends, husband, etc. who try to force their authority on her. She'll know how to handle herself. One day, that stubborn stand-up-for-herself-talking-back-little-girl will make you mighty proud when she stands up for herself.
I know a lot of it is my fault, I always tell her to lead, not follow. And I am proud of her every minute of every day. Doesn't change the fact that she is driving me crazy. I love my baby girl, but I swear, if she doesn't curb her mouth, I will be bald, and she will have duct tape on her mouth.LOL
LOL.....I didn't say it was easy. Without really realizing it, you're teaching her respect. She's learning from you that there's a way to say things to get your point across without going too far. Keep showing her the way. Explain to her why her method is not effective.
I totally agree with the other two comments. It is SO normal. I understand that it is extremly frustrating for you. I am a fourth grade teacher and my girls are very much at that age where they are testing authority and on top of that, they have hormonal changes that they are also dealing with. I was one of those pre-teen/teenagers and my mom and I are best friends today. The good thing about your son is that he probably won't be as vocal with his thoughts as your daughter. In my experience boys aren't as "lippy" as girls are. Good luck, maybe try giving yourself a "timeout" to give you both some space.
Even though this is somewhat of a phase that teens go through, something you might want to try so that you are staying sane is to let your daughter feel some control of the situation as well. Rather than asking her all the questions about how she is feeling, thinking, what she needs and wants, etc. and getting frustrated, let her know that you care about her and love her and that's why you would like to know what's going on in her life. During a sane moment, you might want to involve her in setting up a good time of day or week to touch base with her on a regular basis. Promise her that during other times of the week, you will leave her alone. The truth is, once you've gotten into these regular meetings and she begins to open up, you will find that she will start to talk to you during other times as well.
Have regularly scheduled "meetings" with her and allow her to determine the agenda along with you. She can also help you determine the parameters or the structure of this dialogue session...building agendas together, determining how long you will talk, etc. Maybe once a week, over Sunday breakfast, you can sit down with her and just have a conversation. You share your thoughts and she can then share hers.
I don't know your daughter so I don't know if she'd be open to that...involving her in the decision making will allow her to feel more in control of the situation.
When you meet, don't judge...just listen.
I have found that this works for parents, especially those who feel that their children tell them nothing and they don't feel they have an open relationship with their kiddos.
Good luck and hang in there! In five to ten years, you will both look back and laugh about it!
She is a mass of hormones and normal teenage angst. She won't even know at this stage how to answer your questions. I agree with gypsumgirl is that you must keep telling her how much you love her and the idea of regular 'meetings' is great.
I have two boys. But the one who doesn't seem to know how to communicate properly is my husband. So here is what I do. When he says things that come out rude, mean, hostile, insensitive, etc...I say it over again correctly for him. I say "Ok, what you should have said was...." he is getting the point and he actually repeats after me now when I do it. If my kids yell at me I say, calmly "Excuse me, am I yelling at you, why are you yelling at me?" that usually stops them and if they say something nasty, which is usually if they are in a bad mood I tell them not to take their bad mood out on me or "Don't talk to me if you're in a mood" and I walk away. I don't usually see them until they are civil again.
In my experience, girls do tend to get testy at this age. Be patient, remind her that disrespect is never tolerated, then stay calm, knowing that with your guidance, this will pass. Be sure to spend time with her and hug her at least every night before going to bed. Even though she is trying to sprout wings and grow up, she still needs that reassurance that you are there for her.
Enjoy motherhood! It does not last long,this stage. Patience, ask God for wisdom to handle it. Sometimes, just being quiet helps.
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