After knowing the circumstances, at the time of your birth and thereafter.
e.g. she was very young and unprepared for a baby. Now you are a big woman and she is much older, won't you forgive her? or would you go to your grave saying she was never there for me?
Personally, NO. I was blessed with a terrific mom who loved me unconditionally. And made an effort to understand my many fowl-ups. She was a "giver" to her family, friends, and church. If I were to attempt to hold malice toward her, it would be THE HARDEST work I'd ever do.
My mom has made many mistakes when she was raising me and although I was angry with her for several years, as the time passed, I moved on to forgive her and understand her. She did what she did at that time because she had had no better understanding of it and she didn't mean that. I forgave her in my heart and we have a relatively good relationship now.
I know there are some mothers there that seem to never be motherly and it is hard to come to terms with them. Maybe it is OK to forgive them and simply not bother to expect anything in return. Holding grudges is stopping you and limiting your own spiritual development. Move on.
This is a hard one. I have a truly wonderful mother who I would defend from anyone who ever tried to hurt her in any way. She is the kindest most giving person I have ever known. However, I am very close to other people who do not have this type of mother. It takes a lot more to be a mother than just giving birth. Mom is the one who sits up at night when the child has a 101 fever and brings that child a cool washcloth for her forehead and drinks of water to keep her hydrated. Mom is the one that schleps the 14 year old all over town along with the 14 year old's friends and instead of getting thanked is sassed, but still continues to take her child everywhere. I do think that the title "mother" is one that is earned.
I can understand someone feeling pain and hurt and anger toward a mother who didn't protect or love the way she should have. However, malice is a really strong word. And holding on to that kind of hatred really hurts you much more than it hurts the recipient.
In my faith, we forgive because we were forgiven. Trust me that it is not easy to do so in many cases. I struggle with this one a LOT. The forgiveness is not just for that person. It is for ourselves. Otherwise, bitterness will eat you up. Also, please don't confuse forgiveness with forgetfulness. If someone has not changed, forgiving them does not mean you open your life to them and allow them to hurt you again. It simply means you let it go and try to move on.
All that said, my heart goes out to people who have been hurt by the one person in the world who was supposed to love them unconditionally. That is a really deep pain that is hard to ever get over.
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